This bitter load of butter had to brave snakes to reach an internet café to post this so please review.
Debby, will I fall in love again?
You wake up rather languidly, painfully aware of the onslaught of guilty thoughts this morning would bring. You had half expected to wake up alone and naked with no sight of Gail, but she's right there - sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows propped on her knees and staring at nothing. She's completely dressed and lost in thought and you desperately want to touch her shoulder and make her lie down next to you. Last night comes back to you - filling you with this mixture of regret and arousal, you have no idea what's going through Gail's mind right now but you could take a guess - probably the fact that she had slept with you barely a week after she proposed to Robin. You on the other hand feel frail, as if your soul was naked for all the world to see, this consuming guilt that you had just come in between two people and this rage that this was partially your fault.
You take in a deep breath and Gail at once knows you're awake - glancing at you sideways for a minute before resuming to stare at the wall. You want to say a lot, and have no energy nor dignity to bring yourself to say them.
"I wanted to go home - but the thought of seeing Robin, I - can't." Gail begins, rambling in a daze and you can't do much but listen. Your mind is its own whirlwind, but you can still make out Gail in her own mental turmoil.
"I can't leave her Hol - I can't. I can't." Gail mutters, her words more to reassure herself than to tell you. The fact that Gail couldn't just magically drop Robin wasn't news to you, but in a morning daze you can't help feeling a little enraged and annoyed.
"Does she know you don't love her Gail?" you question, damn sure that Robin had no idea. Gail however straightens her back and turns to look at you with a sad smile, one that breaks your heart.
"She does. She knows it all." Gail confesses hesitantly, looking at you but still unable to meet your eyes.
She what?
"I told her everything Hol - about you and - everything. And she understands - you know? She gets that I can't love her now and she says its fine. That one day I will and it will be alright." Gail pours out, and it clicks in your mind, that Robin saw Gail as a sort of damaged, disfigured person who needed some special sort of love. And that clenches your heart.
"Gail - "
"I mean she loves me spite the fact that she knows I don't love her - she is that sweet a person and I've - I've just ruined the one good thing that's ever happened to me." Gail sighs, head sinking back to her hands. You duly note that you weren't "the one good thing that ever happened to her."
"You aren't some charity case she has to do that for Gail." you counter feebly, for the first time considering how badly your departure must have left Gail. She still garnered some hatred for you - there was still this part of Gail that would never forgive you for leaving her. You couldn't forgive yourself for that either. Gail smiles this half-smile hearing your words.
"You don't know how you left me Hol. You don't know how she found me."
If that suffocating feeling in your gut wasn't enough, those words make you stop breathing for a minute - feeling the hurt in those words is unbearable. You're still lying on the bed, except staring at the ceiling for a while, because you couldn't look at her. It physically hurt to see her broken - broken because of you and beating herself up over last night. Your mind hurriedly goes through last night's kisses and touches, you can hear Gail's words echoing in your head and that makes you jolt a bit and sit upright, back to the headboard. Gail's still so confused over her own actions, barely giving you any attention.
"When are you going to stop hating me?" you blurt out - you just had to know. All this was painful enough with Gail engaged to someone else - but you couldn't live knowing that after all these years - she still resented you for what you did.
"Hating you?" Gail clarifies, somewhat puzzled at your wording of that sentence. If anything - she just spent last night making sweet love to you instead of going back home.
"For leaving." you reply, not bracing yourself at all if the answer to that question was something you didn't want to hear.
Gail, till then looked utterly helpless and confused but at that - her face fell and you've assumed the very worst. Oh God. You close your eyes and lean your head back on the wall, slowly taking in the fact that Gail very possibly hated you to the core. Before you can inhale deeply you feel her lips against yours, kissing you hard. You can't believe it - for a minute it feels more like a dream than real but it's true - she's kissing you, her hands cradling your face and she is kissing you. It's not a very long kiss, but it was enough to reassure you. Gail breaks the kiss, but hasn't moved away, her face is right in front of yours, breathing a little hard, and it's all you can do but kiss her again.
"You were the love of my life Hol. I could never hate you." she softly whispers, and you're trembling, filled with the meagre joy and the angst that made this moment. You desperately wish you could tell Gail to just leave Robin and come away with you - but what right do you have to do that. Gail's looking right back at you - fully aware of the thoughts running through your mind but also aware that things weren't that easy at all. A muted buzzing sounds from somewhere nearby - Gail's phone presumably and you both come back to the reality that there was another person in this equation - through your fault mostly.
"I should go." Gail mumbles, her hands dropping from your face and getting off the bed. You too scramble up and grab a nearby robe, accompanying Gail to the front door downstairs. Right as she reaches the door, Gail turns around to ask you something.
"Should I tell her?"
You're genuinely stumped at that question. If it were up to you - you would tell Gail to leave her on the spot and come back to you. What a blessing that would be. But you're trying to not be selfish (given that it was your selfishness that made you leave her once)- considering the fact that Gail did care for Robin even if you didn't.
"I don't know Gail, should you?"
"I don't know either." she sighs, opening the door and stepping out and walking off, not so much a glance back at you. You can make out Lisa walking up the driveway towards the door and you internally groan. So much for wanting to keep this low. You forgot you had called her over to accompany you to some doctor's appointment.
Lisa catches a glimpse of Gail hurrying past her, and it doesn't take much for her to put two and two together.
"Hey nice song the other day - " she calls out to Gail, who was speeding away at a furious pace.
"Thanks Boob-Job." Gail grunts, walking on, as Lisa made her way to Holly standing at the door, bed-hair and all.
"You dog." Lisa grins cheekily, and you roll your eyes at that. You hadn't heard the last of this yet.
It's a lazy day at the precinct, and seeing that there was nothing to be done - you decide to ditch work and head back home. Perhaps a nice evening jog, or a walk would help. You've forgotten Gail and everything that happened few nights ago. Repression seemed easy an escape as long as Gail was out of sight, but you weren't sure how long the two of you could hide from each other. The very thought of facing Gail again felt embarrassing and guilt-ridden. You hadn't spoken a word to her, nor had she. You had no clue if she had confessed to Robin - whether they were in the process of breaking up or anything. And at this point - you've learnt to not hope.
Strolling out of the lab, who should you see there loitering outside the building but Robin. You've turned white at the sight of her - half expecting a hard slap on your face or at least some harsh expletives, but Robin was just aimlessly waiting outside the lab, looking at the random notices put up on the noticeboard outside. You hope to slink past without her notice but you fail. Miserably. She immediately catches sight of you and steps right in front of you.
Well here goes -
"Hey! You're Dr. Stewart aren't you?" she grins at you - and it pieces together. Gail definitely hadn't confessed anything to Robin. It takes you a second to regain some confidence and get a smile on your face. All you want to do is beg for this woman to let you have Gail, but not now. You nod in reply with a fake smile plastered on your face.
Robin grins and introduces herself, which wasn't quite necessary. You knew all that you needed to know about Robin seeing that shiny ring on her left hand as she gestured to speak to Holly. Robin was a news-reporter/ TV journalist slowly working her way up the ranks in the Media industry, and a very well-known face on Chanel 3 news. You assumed that she met Gail while investigating and reporting a case - so much for fairy-tale meet-cutes.
Robin was indeed a very beautiful woman, a gorgeous brunette with long wavy hair and piercing blue eyes, as tall as you and fit too - a persona definitely made for the screens. You can see quite clearly what would have attracted Gail to Robin in the first place - the woman had this luring charisma, and you know in some parallel universe out there somewhere - you would have gone for this woman yourself. Robin had this cheery voice and this twinkle in her eye when she spoke - damn couldn't Gail have picked someone a little subpar to marry?
"Toronto's definitely missed you when you were gone, it's great to see you back here!" Robin grins on and it's all you can do to just nod along. You're terrified of blurting out something, that ring still not out of your sight and it's all you can do to mumble a few words of thanks. You're about to excuse yourself and rush headfirst to your car when Gail steps out of the lab herself. You hadn't even known she was in the building, let alone meeting her fiancé right outside it.
"Hey Holly." she manages with a slightly stoic face. She definitely would not have expected to see both you and Robin at the same time outside and you're quick to gain control of your emotions. If anything - you were left with your dignity. You nod with a full smile and forcefully excuse yourself saying that you had to leave.
"Nice meeting you Doctor!" Robin smiles as you manage a final word of thanks and walk off.
Well - that did not hurt like hell at all.