Disclaimer:
Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, such as references to, for example, Mahou Sensei Negima! is a creation of Ken Akamatsu, xxxHOLiC is a creation of CLAMP, The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi is a creation of Tanigawa Nagaru, and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, guys; please for God's sake, don't sue me! I'm just a college student with too much free time on his hands! On the other hand, any specific author created characters I created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are mine. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk.
The Idiot's Guide to Nindo
Uzumaki Naruto no Tonsoukyoku / The Fugue of Uzumaki Naruto
Chapter 25:
Drama, yo --- Drama!
A Naruto AU fanfic by James "Ray" Edwards
Well ignoring the fun-filled spectacled of Shion disciplining the hell out of Taniguchi, I was darn certain at this point that Asakura Ryoko was quite a different species of cute girl than Suzumiya Haruhi. She was very pretty; perhaps, I dare say a genuine 'Yamato Nadeshiko Joshi Kousei'(Ideal Japanese High School Girl) in the flesh. Her long blue hair came all the way down to the hemline of her seifuku's skirt, and she had matching blue eyes to boot. The somewhat pale shade the coloration shared under direct sunlight inclined me to think they were closer to cornflower blue or denim blue than ordinary blue, though.
From what I could gather, she had an ever-present solicitous demeanor about her that gave off a smile-like caring impression. Her personality did seem to match Taniguchi's hopes too for these days no one dared to talk to Suzumiya Haruhi anymore, except for Asakura Ryoko. No matter how harsh her disdain was, Asakura still tried to talk to the bizarre girl from time to time. She was so passionate that she acted just like how a class representative should...
To top it off, she always answered the teachers' questions in class correctly, so you could tell she was a smart cookie. Therefore, she was probably a model student in their eyes. With all these attractive qualities, it was only natural she was extremely popular with boys and girls alike. The term had only been going on for a week and then some, and she was already well on her way to being the center of the universe amongst the first year students. It was as though she had fallen from the starry heavens, an angel, and had been born with extreme attraction in mind!
Compared to Suzumiya Haruhi, the almost always scowling, science fiction-mania otaku-girl: the choice was obvious. Then again, I imagined these two girls were way out of Taniguchi's league. No way was he going to be able to climb the stairway to Heaven (or Hell?) for either of them. In fact, I think most guys around here would not be able to make the cut either for there could be only one man for the job! Hehehehehehhe...
Of course, it was about then that a certain diabolical scheme began to rise from the orange depths of my handsomely wicked intellect. Oh yeah, hehehe, I was going to be the Number One Most Popular Guy in school when all was said and done, or I was going to be the Number One Most Surprising Public Enemy in school. Either way, I was going to be Number One and everybody would know the name of...
...KYON-sama!
Little did I know, I was about to embark on my second biggest mistake to date, and my first clue to the grand drama of the world I thought I knew well enough, so ordinary --- and yet --- it was way beyond my expectations in reality.
"Ara, you have clean up duty today, Naru?" Shion asked me out of the blue, when we met up in the bustling hallway filled with our peers leaving for the day.
Between the two of us, I would say that I was the one more surprised if anything by her reaction. It was about the end of April then, and I still had not made much real progress about my own "forgotten" life. Understandably, I was not actively pursuing the venture as I thrown my energies elsewhere, namely "Operation Number One!". I had spent the better part of the month observing the magnanimous Asakura Ryoko: her quirks, her habits, her likes and dislikes, and anything else I could use to my advantage. Needless to say, I was kind of disturbed to find that I really did not have to study her at all.
If I had gone straight to any high school drama shoujo or shounen manga, I could have learned all I needed to know about her in a few hours than the month it took me to "get-to-know" her so to speak. Asakura Ryoko was the genuine "Goddess-like Iincho (Class Representative)" stereotype adored by all; the perfection to which she played out her role should have earned her an Oscar for supporting actress easily. She was well on her way to earning a position on the Student Council too, I bet, once the elections start. However, the fact she was a flawless stereotype, the stuff of fantasy (which would explain her ridiculous popularity at this point as literally everybody in the first year knew her at this point, and her name had begun to spread higher too), lead me to discover a rather nasty possibility.
What if --- Buddha forbid --- Asakura Ryoko, the extreme archetype of perfection, was in truth somebody royally screwed up? It would make "perfect" sense, like a kind of karmic balance. If such was the case, did I still really want to get to know her? I did not have a clue what her personal life was like, and would it not be better just to let sleeping dogs lie?
With dark thoughts plaguing my mind, I nevertheless planned out my "confession" to the letter, taking into account as many variables as humanly possible while scripting out my scenario. According to the class roster, you see, we had an odd number of students and Asakura Ryoko was right at the head of the long line, and with the start of the term, had been the first along with another girl to take up the dreaded duty of "afterschool clean up." I intended to exploit this system because it turns out I was right at the end of the long line myself; therefore, Student Number Thirty-One would have to be paired with Student Number One.
How convenient, eh? God must truly favor such a handsome guy like myself! Though I find it odd I could not even read my own name; it literally was a strange blur right in front of my eyes, and yet I knew it had to be me... Weird, huh?
I wonder if the distortion I saw was a hallucination of some sort.
Now, I had not joined any clubs yet, so I ended up walking home every day with Shion after school. Little did I know at the time she had become the idol of "The Society for the Study of Modern Costumed Fashion" club ever since our outing to the amusement park. It would explain the near constant presence of paparazzi I seemed to notice whenever I am around her, later. Thank Buddha, they at least had the common sense to stay away from us when we got home.
Of course, I am talking from hindsight here, so it would be a while yet until I noticed "the problem", which I would attempt to remedy post-haste.
Anyways, back to the present...
Surprise.
I did not what to think at that moment when Shion blurted out that single sentence to me. Her expression was the look of someone who realized they had done something unforgivable, yet I could see the flicker of satisfaction in her neon green eyes, as she smiled sadly, "Ah, I'm sorry-de arimasu. It seems that --- I've broken a rule, Kyon-kun."
I stared stupefied at her.
"Shi-Shion-chan...?"
"I wanted you to be able to enjoy this all just a little longer: the sense of normality. What it would have been like to be born in an ordinary world as an ordinary boy, going to school, making friends, experience life, falling in love, falling out of love..."
Okay, this is some seriously crazy talk coming from Shion. It's like her personality suddenly did a complete 180-degree roundabout, and in her place was somebody far older than your average sixteen year old teenager! Who are you and what have you done to my Shion-chan, dammit? How can addressing me as "Naru" be such a big world changing event?
"But, from here on out, everything will change. This World will begin to unravel, and no matter how badly you inevitably fight to remain here: you and I are but torches."
What the hell? We are torches? The world is going to come apart? What is going on here? And how come nobody is noticing this conversation at all? Everybody is just walking by like everything is perfectly normal, even though we are standing right in the sea of traffic where anybody can hear us.
"Ephemeral."
Short-lived?
With that last word ringing in my mind, I blinked, rubbing my throbbing temple in confusion, and when I made to make eye contact with Shion again, she was gone. In the distant flowing crowd, I think I glimpsed a touch of neon green and silver that must have been her leaving the premises. I wanted to follow her, to ask her many questions; maybe this would mark the beginning of discovering myself.
However, before I could even move: someone else just so happened to stop me.
"Ah, Kyon-kun, I was just looking for you," Asakura Ryoko chirped pleasantly beside me.
"A-Asakura-san?"
Damn. Any other time and I would be plain happy to have her attention, but now was just a plain bad time.
"It seems I caught you in just the nick of time. I was a touch worried you might skip out on your after school duties and leave everything to little me to clean up."
"Wha-what? Me? Skip out, Asakura-san?"
"Why, yes; you do have quite the reputation for being a delinquent, Kyon-kun."
What the hell? ME? A delinquent? Whose the wise guy who has been spreading rumors like that about me, dammit?
Asakura must have seen my jaw drop in shock for her own serene expression deflated with a touch of doubt, "Don't tell me you weren't aware?"
"Umm..."
"Oh, never mind; I'm certain this will be a good experience to clean up your act."
It was in this confounded state of mind that I reluctantly did as I was told and followed the blue-haired broad as she bid me back into our empty classroom to wait out the crowds. If I was sane at the time and the spirit of "The Springtime of Youth" were with me, I might have realized this would have been the perfect opportunity to execute my grand master scheme of wooing Asakura Ryoko. Instead, I found myself engaged in an one-sided staring contest with the object of my would-be affections, who was blissfully humming aloud as she gazed out the window.
Looking back, everything would have been just fine if things had gone on like this, but sure enough, Asakura turned around with the ever-present smile of hers and noticed something about me:
"Ara? My, that's unusual for a delinquent."
"What the-? Hey, I'm not a delinquent!" I fired back, as my hand rose instinctively to my face to prop up my...
"Fufu, glasses?"
...glasses.
"Is this your way improving your image by providing a contradiction, Kyon-kun?"
I froze, literally, as if all my synapses had stopped firing at once, bringing my body to a crashing fifty-car-plus-an-exploding-oil-tanker-pile-up halt.
"Hmm, I suppose they do suit you after a fashion. After all, the eyes are said to symbolize omniscience; the faculty of intuitive vision; spiritual perception; illumination; and of course, intellectual intuition. It is with the aid of our eyes that human beings exercise judgment, but to wear glasses --- would that not mean your own senses betray you? How can you see the flies in your eyes when you have flies in your eyes, Kyon-kun?"
Asakura's word set something off; a fire inside sparking alive. Hatred beyond black, an intoxicating miasma of red flooding my veins: a sensation unlike anything I had ever felt before in my short life over came me. Oh, but it was not hate for the smiling girl; it was hate for --- myself.
Crack.
The next thing I knew, I saw Asakura gasping in shock, rearing back as if she had just crossed paths with a wild beast. Pain pricked my writhing senses, and I glanced down to my hand...
My glasses.
Crushed.
A mangled caricature of glass and plastic buried into my tender flesh.
But, more importantly...
...there was no blood.
"K-Kyon-kun? Why..." a distant voice asked me, but I paid it no heed.
With terrified fascination, I tossed the refuse aside, not caring where it went, my attentions solely on the remaining shards of glass still embedded in my hand. The pain had not gone away, and I could still feel it, like a nest of angry maggots writhing out of my wounds. Something horrible was happening here; I was sure of it, but to run away from the truth right in front of me...
...was not something...
"Kyaaaa-! K-Ky-Kyon-kun, stop it! We should go to-"
Pluck.
Clink.
Pluck.
Clink.
Pluck.
Clink.
I probably should have stopped after I pulled out the third shard of glass, but I just could not stop. There was no blood, no tissue, no muscles, no bone at all; just a black void, empty, and hollow. It was as if my skin was nothing more but a container.
When I looked up to meet the stunned face of Asakura Ryoko, it was all the proof I needed that my world had drastically changed in a heartbeat. Hovering before her forehead, almost transparent, was a glowing icon, shaped like a disc with a pair of axles protruding from the sides. Inscribed into its center were the words...
"WIZARD
Ryoko
Asakura
Ver.1.1.7"
...now, I was no genius, but did that sound an awful lot like a computer program? Now, I was not seeing "0s and 1s" flying all about the air just yet, so my present reality could not be some sort of computer simulation. So if that particular crushing reality had not dawned on me, what was Asakura Ryoko supposed to be? Sure enough, a sudden epiphany struck me then, as if someone were feeding the concepts straight to me, and the words that I scarcely understood began to flow out of my mouth:
"Ne-ne, Asakura-san, have you ever been surprised?"
The blue-haired beauty gaped at me, edging ever so subtly towards the doorway, "E-Excuse me?"
"And I really mean --- surprised --- the kind that's supposed to only happen in a movie: dramatic, unexpected, and earth shattering. Ever had one of those?"
"W-Wh-why, of course not, K-Kyon-kun!"
"Well, here's something for to be afraid of, and it's not me either."
"What?" Asakura choked when I moved to cover her escape.
"What if I told you that you're not human, Ryoko-chan? That really, you're just the One-Hundred-Seventeenth copy of the original Asakura Ryoko, refined and reprocessed until you reached your present version --- One-point-One-Seven. Ryoko-117, an artificial human --- a 'humanoid interface' created by your masters, an extraterrestrial entity beyond comprehension, to provide a means of interacting with humans."
"K-Kyon-kun...!"
"How is the Intergrated Data Entity feeling this afternoon? Pleasant, I hope?"
With those words said, a wave nausea struck me down to my knees: a world bending distortion of sickly red and black accompanied by sparkling splotches of miasma. I looked up in time just to see Asakura towering over me with that "serene" smile on her pretty face and a combat knife I had never seen before in her hand. Cold fear wrenched my spine clean out of my back in an instant, as I found myself staring at beautiful death in the face.
I was so screwed. If I somehow managed to survive this, I was so gonna beat the crap out of the moron who puts those condemning words in my mouth in the first place! Hell, I should blame myself for ever getting the crazy idea to hook up with Asakura Ryoko in the first place, as the said psychotic ET-artificial girl was about to stab me in the face.
Gah, how could today get any worse?
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
Well, there you have it. Chapter 25 in all of its glory. Thoughts, feelings, questions: hey, fire away, fellas.
Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. Your comments can really make a difference, I assure you, and if you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
Tsudzuku!