Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Warnings: None for this chapter.
Chapter 25 – … Endings Are Considered
Sirius felt the weight of the heavy gold band drop into his hand at the same time he felt a small splash strike his wrist. The blurring of his own vision gave proof to the fact that he had finally lost the battle to maintain control of his emotions. Bits and pieces of all the conversations of the evening took flight in his head, breaking him further as they played over and over again.
"You deserved what she gave you"
"You're officially on your own here. Figure it out for yourself."
"You're the person holding the grudge; you're the person who can't forgive!"
"You lied while you put this on my finger … it's so damned easy for you to hurt me, to believe the worst of me… It feels like you don't love me anymore … do you want me to release you from your promise?"
"… do you want me to release you from your promise?"
"you don't love me anymore … release you from your promise …"
"Nooooooo!," Sirius cried loudly as he jumped to his feet. He placed the ring in his pocket and mindlessly thundered to Kate's door, not bothering to knock, not bothering to call to her before his hand was on the doorknob and he pushed – hard and entered the darkened room. The door closed behind him.
Silence, save his own ragged breathing. Darkness, save the blurred image of the large window at the far end of the room. Sirius roughly drew his fingers over his eyes to clear them then dragged one hand down his face to rid it of the moisture that clung there. His eyes darted frantically around the room, but he still could not locate her. Then, he heard it; a cry – small, broken – from the direction of the hearth. Sirius moved toward the sound, willing his eyes to see and finally they did. Kate. He stopped, several feet from where she sat, on the floor in front of the unlit fireplace. Tears stained her cheeks, and Kate's shoulders shook as she stared into the darkness, her arms clasped 'round her legs and her chin resting on her knee.
"Kate," Sirius murmured, his voice broken.
At the sound, Kate looked up at him then looked away again. Sirius slowly walked to her and sat on the floor by her side. Unable to look away, Sirius faced her, keeping her profile in front of him. "I did this," he whispered, his eyes filling again.
Kate turned. "Yes," she whispered back to him, nodding. "But … I … let you." The remnants of her emotions created hitches in her breathing that interrupted her sentence. She turned back, shivering once in the chill of the room.
Sirius waved his hand at the hearth and muttered a complex spell. The center of the fireplace shimmered briefly then, with a small popping sound, a fire was blazing, casting immediate warmth toward them both. Sirius levitated the screen to its normal place on the stone hearth, then turned back to Kate.
Her eyes were closed and, in the reflection of the firelight, Sirius could see tears caught in her dark lashes. He hung his head. Remus was right. Sirius didn't understand anything he'd said to him about stubbornness, grudges, jealousy and arrogance. What he did understand was fear and loss and a driving sense of self-preservation at any cost. Sirius looked back up at Kate. At any cost, he thought to himself. Well, here's my cost. It suddenly was so clear to him. Not this price – it wasn't hers to pay. Sweet Merlin, she was paying for everything he thought was wrong with himself, with his life. Every imagined slight, every irritation blown out of proportion – he laid them at her feet. And she had kept coming back for more. Until tonight. Tonight she had released him from everything he had promised her. Tonight, he had finally made her believe the biggest lie of all – that he didn't love her. She had given him back the tangible evidence of all of his promises because of his failure to actually live up to any of them.
Kate opened her eyes to find him looking at her. "Why are you here?" she asked, her voice so small he barely heard it.
Sirius watched the play of light on her features for a moment then he took a deep, shaky breath. "I promised," he whispered, lifting his hand from the pocket of his robes and, in the firelight, Kate could see the promise ring where he had pushed it onto the top of his index finger. "I just realized that I haven't done a very good job living up to that promise," he continued, lowering his hand to rest on his knee. "I have no right asking for it, but I'd like the chance to do a better job."
Kate shook her head. "Until the next time we disagree or you think I'm being unfaithful. I can't let myself believe things will work out for us, Sirius. It's just too hard when it all falls apart." Kate brushed away a tear that had fallen onto her face. "I'm sorry. It hurts so much and I just don't want it to hurt anymore."
Sirius felt the first stirrings of desperation and he fought to keep it from his voice – and from his eyes. He took a deep breath then focused on keeping his voice quiet and controlled as he tried to put words to everything that was in his heart. Sirius closed his eyes and began to speak, "I don't want it to hurt anymore, either. I don't want you to ever hurt again because of me. I would love to sit here and promise you that I will never hurt you again, but that would be setting us both up for failure and I don't want that. I want to keep my promises and so I promise you that I will never intentionally hurt you again. We will disagree because people do, and I probably will lose my temper and yell. I can't promise you I won't walk out of the room in the middle of it all; I'll promise you instead that I will always come back. I will not stay away. I promise that I will listen to your side – really listen. I can't promise that I won't be jealous. I will. I was tonight. Bill Weasley is everything I used to be but no longer am. He's young, fit, strong – and his mind is intact, whole. He's free, as well. He's not chained to this place. He can go out with you – and even with you and Harry, as happened today. I was jealous – and terrified." Sirius paused, feeling his emotions beginning to escalate and, slowing his breathing, he collected himself. "That's not an easy thing to admit, you know. I was afraid. I can't promise I won't be jealous or afraid – or both. I do promise that I'll tell you if it happens. I promise I won't accuse you of being unfaithful. Ever. Merlin, you didn't deserve that tonight. I'm sorry. I know that I tried to run your life where Harry was concerned. You know the reasons why. Better than I do, really. I'll be overprotective where Harry is concerned, even if you're there to protect him. I can't promise I won't be. In fact, I'll probably be worse, because I'll be overprotective and neurotic about you, too. I will promise that I'll try not to do anything foolish. That I will try to keep it together. That I will try to stay away from using owls to send messages that ultimately piss you off. That I will be respectful of your abilities to take care of Harry – and yourself – even though I'll never be comfortable that you're safe unless I'm there to take care of you – both of you." Sirius opened his eyes and looked at the fire. "Lastly, I lost sight of the fact that you love me. In the face of everything I feared the most, I lost sight of the one thing that matters the most – you. I let my own twisted mind turn you into something you're not because I let my fears become my reality. I don't always understand how it happens so I can't promise that it never will again. I do promise that I won't let it fester. I won't ignore you. I'll tell you, even though you'll sometimes be angry as a result. If I know you'll be there afterward and that we can work through the anger – even if we have to shout and act like children to do it – I can and will promise that I'll come to you. If you come to me, I promise that I won't push you away. If I need time to sort something out, I promise I will tell you. I made you feel that I don't love you anymore, that I want to walk away from this," he held up his finger, turning to her for the first time since he'd begun speaking. "I promise you that I'll never make you feel like I don't love you – ever again. I promise that I will spend my whole life – to my last breath – doing everything I can to convince you just how much I do love you. I don't want release from my promises, Katie. I want to renew them. These promises. To you. For longer than a few days. If you'll let me." Sirius extended his hand the short distance between them. He folded all fingers save the one with his ring and waited.
Kate looked at his finger, then brushed her hands over her cheeks to clear them. When she was finished, she looked up into Sirius' eyes and held his gaze for a long moment. Sirius fought with everything he had not to squirm, not to speak. He simply looked back into Kate's eyes, trying to silently communicate that what he had said was the truth. After some time, Kate broke her gaze and rose to her feet. Sirius closed his eyes, a feeling of searing pain shooting through his chest. It wasn't enough, he thought. I've finally pushed Kate to the limit of her endurance and I can't pull her back. His eyes suddenly shot open when he felt the ring being tugged from his finger. Kate was kneeling before him, the ring in one hand, a golden chain in the other. The pain lessened slightly as Sirius saw her thread the chain through the band, then look up at him.
Her eyes and nose were red from the strain of her tears, but she gave him a very soft, slightly sad smile. "Perhaps we did this backward," she said quietly, her voice hoarse. "You wanted this ring to be my reminder of your promises to me. In reality, I never needed it for that reason. When you keep your promises, I can feel it here," she paused and covered her heart with her hand. "You told me tonight that you allowed the twists in your head and all of your insecurities to make you forget." She leaned forward and fastened the chain around his neck, allowing her hands to rest on his shoulders when she was finished. "Maybe you should wear this ring – to remind you of your promises, to ground you when your mind tries to alter what's real, what's true."
Sirius searched Kate's face. "But it's your promise ring," he whispered. "My gift to you. I'm not supposed to have it." Sirius could feel himself becoming agitated and he swallowed audibly then took a deep breath. He felt Kate take his hand and he grasped her fingers tightly. She smiled softly and placed his hand on the ring, squeezing gently, then sliding out of his grip.
"It's no less mine because you have it. I accepted it back from you, Sirius. I just think that we stand a better chance of success with it 'round your neck than on my finger – for now," she said.
Sirius reached for her hands and held them gently. His eyes filled. "You're giving me a chance to make this right?" he asked, afraid to believe it could actually be true.
It was Kate's turn to look at him for a long moment. "Us. I'm giving us one more chance to make this right. It takes two, I know that. But, Sirius, I meant it when I said that I cannot continue on this rollercoaster ride, never knowing what's going to happen from one minute to the next. I can wipe the slate clean and we can start fresh, but it has to be different this time."
Sirius nodded, still holding her hands. "I promise, Katie. I promise. Truly."
Kate squeezed his hands gently. "I promise, too." She leaned forward and placed a kiss over the still pink skin of his cheek. "I'd be lying to you if I said I was sorry for this," she said quietly, releasing his hands.
Sirius looked her dead in the eye. "You have nothing for which to apologize, Kate. I was more than wrong for saying what I did. I deserved that slap; I probably deserved more. No, I definitely deserved more," he added, thinking of Bill's reaction after Kate had left the room. "Katie, I am so sorry for that. Of all the hurtful shite I've pulled in the past few days, I regret tonight most of all," he said sincerely. "Please, forgive me."
Kate nodded. "I forgive you," she said, sitting back, then straightening her legs out in front of her to try to ease the stiffness. After a moment or two, she extended a hand to Sirius. "Help me up?" she asked. He rose with a groan and complied. Unlike the last time, he did not draw her into his arms, still unsure whether or not he had that right, but suspecting he did not. Not yet.
"Thanks," she said, as she stretched, working out the kinks in her back. Sirius watched her, gravely, silently. Kate turned and saw the look of sadness and insecurity in his eyes and she felt her eyes fill.
"What is it, Sirius?" she asked. He looked lost.
"We tell each other what we feel, right? That's part of the deal," he asked in confirmation. At her nod, he continued. "I want to hold you so badly right now. I want to walk over to you and take you in my arms and just … hold you. I've missed that. I know I'm responsible for pushing you away and I know that I probably don't have the right to it now, but Katie, Merlin, I ache for it," Sirius finished.
Kate thought for a moment, then closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his neck, her heart leaping at the immediate strength of his arms snaking around her waist and holding her tightly. Sirius' head dropped to her shoulder and, true to his word, he just stood there. They held each other for a very long time before Sirius lifted his head and looked into Kate's eyes. "May I kiss you?" At her nod, he gently kissed her lips. "Thank you," he said, releasing her gently. "I'll let you get some rest. It's late."
"Sirius," Kate called out as he reached the door. "Tonight's been rough. If you find that you can't sleep; if the nightmares come, you can come in here with me…to sleep," she finished.
Sirius smiled. "Thanks, Katie. I think that we need to take this second chance slower than we took the first one. You might have enormous self-control, but I can assure you that I do not. If I came to your room tonight, I don't believe I could settle for "just sleeping"."
Kate returned his smile. "Good night, Sirius. I'll see you in the morning." Kate paused. 'We tell each other what we feel, right?' It's a two-way street. "Sirius, I do love you," she said quietly.
Kate heard him swallow before he answered, his voice breaking, "I love you, Kate," and then he was out the door.
Kate took her robe from the door and went into her bathroom for a hot soak – and some time alone to think.