Hi everyone. Thank you for the reviews. They helped a lot and let me know that you like the way my story is going. Sorry if it's morbid and sad, but it will turn into a beautiful flower in the chapters to come. I just wanted to show a different side of Letty. I really hate that she is always portrayed as a heartless bitch. Sometimes you have to fall to rise to the top. So here goes. Thanks again and please review. Enjoy!
Brian had come in the middle of the night. He was holding onto me when my little boy slipped away. I was numb and I couldn't move. I watched as the nurses began to take him off of the monitors and the doctor pronounced the time of death at 6:34 am. Not one eye was dry as he wrapped up my baby and placed him into my arms. He just slipped away peacefully; there was nothing that they could do for him. I rocked and rocked all the while he was in my arms. When I was all cried out I just sat there with him in my arms. I couldn't look at Brian; I didn't want to see his eyes, those deep blue pools that could read me like a book. If I did he would know that I wanted to die, I had nothing to live for, no one to love and nurture, no one to fill this huge gaping hole in my heart. I placed a gentle kiss on Anthony's head and placed him into the nurses' arms without a word, and then I turned and walked right out of the hospital. Away from Brian, away from the rest of my family that was sitting outside in tears and waiting for me with open arms. I just walked.
The next thing I remember I woke up in Brian's bed. He was sitting on the floor next to the door asleep but very uncomfortable. I got out of the bed as quiet as possible and tried to open the door without making any noise. Bad idea, it creaked and he was up in a second. He looked at me with those deep, blue pools and I had to fight my tears. He looked so sad and lost, just like I felt. Before I could turn and walk out the door he grabbed my wrist and turned me around. "I'm not going anywhere Let." If only I could get him to see what he was loosing by staying here with me, but I know it's useless he's determined to make me see that there is more for me than this. Is there? I nodded and let my hair fall in my face. He pushed it back behind my ear and brushed my cheek making me look at him, really look at him. He hadn't slept in a while and looked really haggard. He had on the same clothes from before and well he looked horrible. I grabbed his hand and led him back to the bed and made him get in. As soon as his eyes closed and his breathing was even, I left. I opened the door to the fort and looked around. It looked the same but it felt different, like it wasn't home anymore. I went up the stairs and straight into the bathroom and stripped. I stepped into the shower and mad the water as hot as I could stand. Then I proceeded to scrub my skin roughly until my whole body was red and worn; then I broke down. My body racked with sobs and shudders. I don't know how long I was in there but the water had gotten cold and I was still sitting there bawling. The door opened and I saw Mia looking at me with those sad eyes, his eyes. She tried to help but I wouldn't let her. I could see the pain it caused her and she left and came back with Christina who had to coax me up and they both began to dry me and my hair. They asked me if I was okay and I nodded then went to the nursery and curled up into the chair and slept. I woke up shortly after in tears and screaming. Vince got to me first and held me as I cried with my whole family standing in the door eyes full of tears because they knew what I was feeling, because in some sort of way so were they.
My dreams are always the same. I'm walking through the cemetery and its dark outside with just the moon guiding me. I trip over headstones and look down to see the names of all the people I love buried beneath me. My mother, father, brother, Dom, and my babies. Every night for the past week I've had the same dream and every night I wake up hysterical and in tears. The guys take turns holding me and rocking me back to sleep. I have no voice because I haven't spoken in so long but I just look at them and it seems they get the point. Vince says nothing and neither does Leon or Jesse and I welcome the silence. Rome on the other hand always talks at me, not to me. He cracks jokes and tries to make me laugh. I smile to humor him but I've lost my laugh, myself. I'm just numb
No one could talk to me. I never come out of the nursery. It used to be Mr. and Mrs. Toretto's room so it has a connecting bathroom. Mia started working at the hospital before everything happened with Chris after she graduated, so they began working different shifts so someone would be home with me if the boys were gone. She cooked food for me all the time, but I never ate, I couldn't. I distanced myself from mostly everyone keeping them at arms length, especially Brian. I wouldn't let him touch me and when he spoke I would turn away. I wasn't mad because he wasn't there. He showed up when I really needed him, when my son died he held my hand. That was enough for me. He was buying me a puppy when they called. The place where the breeder's farm was had no service so he never got the call, but he got the message. I had mentioned to him about buying a puppy a while back and he remembered. The guys had started calling him perro, the Spanish word for dog, and it stuck. I guess I was turning him away because it hurt too much to try to open my heart up again, it was just shattered and I didn't want him waiting on me. I know the moment I look into his eyes my resolve will break, I'll break down and I can't, not now, it just hurts.
Only Jesse, Vince, Leon and Rome make it into the nursery without rejection. I know it hurts Mia but she look so much like Dom and our children were the spitting image of him. I see them when I look at her and I hear her tears every time I turn away from her or won't look at her, but I can't. I want to hurt alone, grieve without the looks of pity. I know it's selfish and their deaths affected more than me but every time I wake up and look at those empty bassinets my heart shatters all over again. When Vince sits with me he plays his guitar and just plays no talking. When its Jesse he sits and designs stuff on his computer rambling about this and that just so it isn't quiet, it unsettles him. But when Leon is there he holds me and rubs my back as I cry
It's been a month and the nursery is still my home. Everyone arranged the funeral and got Anthony a plot right next to his sister. Suki helped me get ready; she was the only girl I would acknowledge. Well not exactly acknowledge, just look at really, by now they were able to distinguish them. She pulled my hair back into a little bun and I put on a cotton form fitting black dress. I didn't make it past the cemetery gate. I stepped inside and froze. It was the source of my nightmares and I didn't want to watch another one of my children be put into the ground. I stood off to the side by some trees and Jesse held my hand; he hated funerals period. I looked on as Tej held Suki's hand and rubbed her back in slow circles. While she was doing my hair she told me how she just let it happen, like we talked about. She opened up to him more and he settled her fears about their relationship. They had become official the day Anthony died. I envied her happiness, but glad that she had been able to trust her heart.
It's been a whole month and my first step out of the nursery was at 6 am. I woke up for the first time without a nightmare. I know I have to move on, my life shouldn't just stop here. They wouldn't want this for me, nor would I want it for them. As I walked down the stairs I could see the sun rise. I hadn't really been outside, so I made a pot of coffee and went and sat on the porch. I heard Mia come down the stairs and see the door open, when she poked her head out I smiled at her. She smiled back with tears in her eyes and sat next to me. "I'm so sorry Mia. I didn't have the right to shut you out. You lost them too, but I just kept seeing them in you and it hurt." I opened my mouth to continue, but she stopped me and shook her head. "Don't apologize Letty. I wasn't in your position, but I understand. I just wished I could have done more to help you. The way you reacted to me right after hurt but I understand. I would never ask you to apologize. I love you and you are still my best friend in this world no matter what you think." I smiled at her through my tears. I heard Perro bark and knew Jesse was up; that dog never left his side even though he's mine. Pretty soon everyone was up and looking for Mia when they didn't see any breakfast. They found us wrapped up on the porch laughing about old times with tears running down our faces thinking about the future, thinking about moving on. Vince saw my smile and smiled back at me. "Welcome back Letty, we really missed you." I missed you too Coyote.
I went to take a shower while Mia made breakfast. I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I was a shell of what I used to be, I had lost weight and my hair lost its shine. I took a long hot shower and walked out of the bathroom refreshed. I put on a tank and some shorts and proceeded to walk down the stairs. When I reached the step Rome grabbed me and twirled me into a circle. I laughed and yelled at him to put me down. "Just wanted to see that smile, to see Letty again. She's been gone too long." I kissed him on the cheek. "I'm coming back Rome."
Mia packed my plate high and sat there to make sure I ate. She had found out that I was feeding some of my food to Perro, and wasn't pleased. I ate as much as I could. It was Sunday morning and the guys wanted to go to the beach. Mia, Chris and Suki already had on bathing suits and were ready to go. I looked around for Brian and couldn't find him. Tej saw me looking and tapped my shoulder. "He's still at the house." The revelation of his words hit me. I had pushed him away to the point where he didn't even come over anymore. I hung my head in shame, but Suki didn't let it last long and began pushing me towards the door. "Talk to him girl. He's not the same. We'll be gone all day so take your time. You both need to heal."
I watched them pull off and went to put on some stretch pants; I had a lot of them from my pregnancy. Sliding my feet into some sandals I walked across the street and let myself into my childhood home. I searched downstairs high and low and found no traces of him. I walked upstairs into his room and pushed the door open. He was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands and it hurt me to know that I pushed his away to this. "I'm sorry." At the sound of my voice his head snaps up and his eyes lock with mine. I moved closer to the bed, but slowly just in case he rejected me. I waited until I was directly in front of him and sat down on the floor by his feet. "I never meant to push you away. Its' just that I hurt so much I couldn't open up and let anyone try and help me, especially you. Before they died I began to open up to you, trust you, but when she died apart of me did to. I still wanted to try I just didn't know how. But when he died, my heart didn't just break, it shattered. It, it just hurt so much and I didn't know how to deal. I'm sorry if I hurt you by pushing you away. But I want a second chance, I need it. I need you. You've been that thing that keeps me sane and stable. I just, I want to give my heart to you, but I can't handle it being broken again. I just can't. " I had tears in my eyes by then and he still said nothing, just looked at me. I took his silence as a bad sign and hung my head. I got up and walked towards the door but he stopped me wrapping his arms around my waist. "I can't pretend to know what you are feeling, but I want you to know that I'm here whenever for whatever." He turns me around still holding my waist. "I won't break your heart Leticia. I love you." I look into his eyes and for the first time since being with Dom allow myself to openly trust him, because even though I'm not ready to say it yet. I love him too.