The Shinsengumi watched as the food at the breakfast mess hall table disappeared, all down one throat. Okita sat opposite Kagura and watched as she performed the infamous "yato black hole" on what used to be the officer's breakfast.

The only plate she didn't touch was Hijikata's.

He squelched more mayonnaise on his plate. It overflowed, and crawled across the table. Okita watched it calmly. So it has finally evolved- the Hijikata mayonnaise supreme! So thick it's alive!

Hijikata speared the blob with his chopstick and stuffed it in his mouth. A small bit of runny mayonnaise squirted out the side of his mouth and a little bit sprayed on Kagura's cheek. She stopped eating and turned green.

The door to the breakfast room opened. A mailman stepped through and said, "is Okita Sougo here?" Okita raised his hand. The mailman tossed him a big packet of red cards and pink boxes. Okita smirked. Females who he had unintentionally saved while doing his job. They are so needy. He opened the first box. A box of chocolates, and it wasn't even a holiday. He took one and popped it in his mouth, turning to Kagura. Surely the greedy b*tch would be jealous of his chocolates...

Kagura was disgustedly rubbing mayonnaise off her face, her attention elsewhere. "Ew, you mayo-fanatic! Keep your damned mayonnaise to yourself, goddammit!" Hijikata looked at her, watching her ineffectually smearing mayonnaise all over the faint outlines of what Okita had written on her face. "That's a waste of mayonnaise." He (who was sitting next to her) leaned over and licked off the last smear of mayonnaise.

The box of chocolates crumpled in Okita's hand.

As soon as the mayonnaise was done and cleaned off of her, she and Hijikata continued to stuff their faces with their chosen foods, mayonnaise-covered rice or anything in sight besides anything that could kill, for example mayonnaise-covered rice. Then both she and Hijikata felt a cold shadow. They both looked up from their plates at the same time and both looked right into the same cold barrel of Okita's bazooka.

"Bye-bye, vice-captain, China," he said. Sayonara!

Hijikata grabbed an empty plate and held it up but he was too late. Hijikata and Kagura was blasted out through the wall and on the lawn. Hijikata, being the man, took most of the impact. Kagura, being the yato, stood up, completely fine right after a full-on face blast by a bazooka. "Oi, mayo-fanatic, are you okay?"

Hijikata took out a mayonnaise bottle from his pocket and drained it. "I'll be fine. Damn, I'm almost used to being shot at every morning. What made him do that? Usually he does it after everyone is done eating, but today he did it 10 minutes and 38 seconds early. Something is off."

Kagura stared dully at him. "You have a scheduled time in which, Okita without fail continually tries to buy you a ticket to hell every morning."

Hijikata stared back up at her. "10:00 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, 9:00 on Thursdays, because on Thursdays he has the early patrol. Other days he does it around lunch, because he wakes up late."

Kagura pulled him upright and slung him over her shoulder. "You're a bit bruised up. The bazooka's just all smoke and force, not really fire and explosive." Hijikata coughed. "That's what you say. The b*stard really does want to kill me this time, I can feel it. I wonder why?"

"Maybe he was annoyed at your mayonnaise habits."

"You are nearly as annoying as your boss, little girl. Quite the accomplishment."

"You're nearly as stupid as your boss. You both are undefeatable, no matter what is thrown at you."

"Is that a compliment?"

"I was trying to say that no matter how much others want you to die, you just persist to live."

"..."

"Kind of like cockroaches, yes?"

Gintoki flipped the channel on his TV. The weather channel had ended, so there really wasn't anything else he wanted to see. He flipped through another commercial, and got on the news channels. A man standing in front of the Shinsengumi station was speaking.

"This week has been pretty busy, eh? Lots of fights going around, and the yato popping up and such. What do you think of it, Kondou?"

The Shinsengumi captain took the microphone and said, "well, I don't really know. All I know was my vice-captain gave me a very... Interesting report and now we have a yato female in our residence. I am very sorry but her identity has to remain closed from the public, but... She asks for three tons of rice a week."

He closed it. The news channels were unreliable anyways. Anything they said was an exaggeration. No one believes them. No one. He opened a newspaper that Tama had dumped on his table with a stack of mail- presumably bills.

KABUKI DISTRICT: BREAKING NEWS!

-SHIMURA DOJO BLASTED TO PIECES! YOUNGER BROTHER SEEN CARRYING BAZOOKA? OTAKU GONE CRAZY?-

-SHINSENGUMI OFFICER AND NAKED MAN ATTACK YOUNG GIRL!-

-SHINSENGUMI DESTROYS YET ANOTHER CROSSROAD!-

-NAKED MAN IS SAKATA GINTOKI?-

-MAN MOLESTS ELITE NINJA SARUTOBI IN PUBLIC!-

-YATO UPRISING?!-

-KONDOU (SHINSENGUMI CAPTAIN) SENT TO HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF FOOD POISONING?-

-SHINSENGUMI PURCHASES TWO CRATES OF MAYONNAISE AND TWO TRUCKLOADS OF RICE!-

-OKITA SOUGO BREAKS YET ANOTHER YOUNG HEART!-

-FOUR TRAFFIC POLES DESTROYED!-

-TRAFFIC JAM IN KABUKI DISTRICT!-

-STRAWBERRY MILK MADE WITHOUT STRAWBERRIES?-

Gintoki was crumpling up the newspaper when his doorbell rang. Sweat dripped down his face. He got up, grabbed his sword, and opened the door, ready to bash the head of any reporter.

Especially this one.

"Sakata Gintoki, how did you feel when your secret self is revealed in public," Katsura asked behind a mustache and a slick suit, holding up a microphone. Elizabeth stood behind him, holding up a camera.

Gintoki threw them off the balcony. The other reporters below snapped pictures. "Molester responds in anger! Reporter thrown off balcony!" Gintoki leaned over and shouted down at them. "Oi, oi, it was an accident! I didn't want to moles-touch her!"

Someone appeared from behind him. "Yes, yes, it wasn't his fault! Besides, I liked-"

Gintoki grabbed Sachan and threw her off the balcony. She landed on Katsura. "Victim claims to like being molested! Molester Sakata Gintoki throws her off balcony! Victim is now on top of a reporter! Do you affect your victims like this usually? Do you make them want to molest people themselves?"

By now Gintoki was the color of his hair. With the reporters blasting questions at him, he was overwhelmed. His temper was rising up. And he was done with being the nice guy. He turned around, walked back into the Yorozuya, and closed the door. Then he woke up Sadaharu, and let him outside.

There was a lot of screaming, but then all was quiet by for some quiet crunching and sometimes an occasional squelch. Gintoki walked over to the table and opened a carton of cold strawberry milk, draining half of it. "God, all my assistants are ditching today. Where are they when I need them to bash people up?"

Kagura watched as the Shinsengumi officers performed their daily morning practices. They ran laps, shot drills, and then ran some more. Most of the officers could run at the grueling pace for what seemed like hours to an end, and hit the target every time they got a hold on a gun. Others, the newcomers, ran slower in the back, panting. Those people also couldn't hit the target if it was more than ten feet away.

Okita ran in the front during the laps and got a bulls-eye on every target he aimed at.

Hijikata walked over to Kagura and handed her a can of Shinsengumi tea. "Why aren't you running and shooting?" Kagura asked, "you'll get fat and out of practice. Why aren't you with them, practicing?"

Hijikata looked sideways at her. "I used to. Now, I practice in the mornings. By myself."

Kagura looked up at him, his shadows completely covered her from the sun. She folded up the cheap orange umbrella Yamazaki got her. "Why? Can't you sleep in the time? Aren't you tired?"

"Not with Sougo cursing me in his nightmares and prayers, no."

"I think you can't sleep because you lost someone important. When my m- when someone died, the person close to them loses sleep."

"Yeah, that might be it."

"Say, don't you think Okita's target cut-outs look a lot like you and me?"

"..."

Kagura drained the can of tea. "Anyways, I gotta go in. The sunlight's making me feel faint. Join your officers, mayo-guy, and set an example for them. Gintoki always says that a good leader gives an example to all that he rules of how they should be like. Run up to them and curse at the slackers like you usually did. I think they're missing you."

She got up and threw the can towards the lawn, where Okita was just about to shoot. The can smacked on the back side of his head. He turned around, his eyes blazing. He looked over to where Kagura and Hijikata were sitting next to each other. He fired, and blasted them to kingdom come.

"Oops, I slipped a little. Ah, I missed. Sorry, but the can you threw at me made me confused and you looked so much like my cutout, China!" The men behind him looked at the giant hole on the porch. This had to be the first time he had ever 'missed'. And the cutout didn't just look like her, it practically had her features painted on it.

Hijikata got up from the ash-filled hole in the meeting room of the Shinsengumi, and ran out the hole made in the wall, pulling his katana out of its sheath. "Okita, you bastard! Get back in line! You- the slackers! Run faster, you slow-ass donkeys! Commit seppuku for not listening to your vice-captain, goddammit! What are you laughing at, b*stards?"

Kagura stood up from the smoking hole, and patted herself off. She watched as the vice-captain ran around and screamed at any slackers. She watched as he energized anyone who so much as stood three feet away from him and shot them up to their best level. That was a special gift.

The officers were still laughing. "The demon vice-captain is back! Oi, but what's with his hair?"

Kagura took out her sukonbu packet and sucked on the last one.

Hijikata actually looked quite nice with an Afro.

I have finally made it up to chapter 25! Thank you for all your support! Thank you for reviewing!

Thank you for reading my horrible emulation! This one is actually a little bit HijikataXKagura?

Please review! I hope you enjoyed! (^o^)/

NOTE; what Sougo Okita wrote on Kagura's face...

-brat (spoiled, weak, annoying)

-little girl [少女] (virgin)

-flat (in the boob area)

-violent (temperamental, easily angered)

-stupid (...)

-weak (...)

-property of Okita Sougo [沖田 総悟の財産] (written the biggest, from her left cheek all the way down her neck)