-Understand Me-

"She needs wide open spaces

Room to make her big mistakes

She needs new faces

She knows the high stakes"

-Wide Open Spaces-Dixie Chicks-

25th of May 2012

"Wait, wait. I've forgotten my book."

"Oh for god's sake Alex."

Giving me an apologetic look, he opened the car door, jumping out into the light rain. I shook my head at his disappearing figure, then leant back against the headrest and sighed. This was the second thing he had forgotten to pack. You would think he would have a bit of a system by now, considering, but no. Then there had been trying to get him up in time. It was just ridiculous. I was tired, coldy, nervous and had, had just about had enough of his tardiness. The rain fell in soft rivulets down the windscreen and I watched it's silent journey. We were on our way to Wales, to my home. I was overly excited and extremely nervous, although I was careful not to show it, nevertheless I was sure he had picked it up. As Alex had got back from America on the 16th and that weekend, we went straight to see Penny and David, his parents, plus his Grandma and many friends back in Sheffield. It had been a nerve racking experience, but I had enjoyed it immensely. I had been welcomed with open arms and smiles into their small terrace house in High Green. It probably helped that I had talked to them a few times over Skype when Alex had been talking to them. I found it sweet that he kept in touch with them so much. Penny had been joyous and happy, reminding me of my own mother at times in her way of saying exactly what she means, when she wants. There was no time for bullshit with her. David was a whole other kettle of fish. He was mostly quiet, portraying a silent warmth that made you like him straight away, something I think Al had picked up from him. Although he didn't speak much, when he did everybody listened, just like Alex. I also saw where Al got his quiet confidence from. Although they didn't show it much, I saw that they were both immensely proud of their son's success and showed him in small affectionate comments and moments of support.

I was pulled away from these memories, when the car door opened and Alex slumped back into the seat next to me. I glanced at him, drops of silver in his hair, then away, back to my window.

"Rhea?"

"Mmm…?"

"Look at me love."

I slowly turned my head, my eyes hooded in annoyance, "What?"

"I'm sorry." His eyes were earnest, but I also detected a flash of humour in them.

"I know." I gave him a small smile, taking his cold hand in mine, "Now drive."

He raised an eyebrow, "First things first I think." I couldn't help smiling as he kissed me then let me go, turning back to the wheel and switching on the engine. I sneezed and he squeezed my thigh briefly. We were currently in a rental car, something sleek and shiny he had insisted upon getting. I did say to him that it was going to have a hard time on the track to my family's house, but he had shrugged. I gave in, saying that the only condition was that I would get to drive it. Que his surprise at my ability to drive. I had been driving since I was thirteen.

Getting out of London took a while and I watched the streets with a new interest, saying goodbye. It had been decided that I was going to temporarily move with him to LA. We were leaving on the first of June as us circus folk had our summer holiday early as the teachers knew we had to make money somehow. I neglected to tell them I was going to be whiling away the months on beaches in the sunny country, instead of working at festivals in the mud. I would be back by September of course, and back before then in July for the Olympics. It was still undecided as to what would happen when I came back. I had made it clear to him that I did not want to permanently move to LA because England and Wales were the places I loved and lived. Pus to be able to get a visa that said I could live there, I would have to be earning a certain amount of money ,which I sure as hell wasn't going to be doing anytime soon. So we still needed to talk about it, but I was pretty sure we could manage it one way or another.

Quite unceremoniously we burst out of the city and were suddenly on the M4 heading South. My stomach was full of something that was making my hands ball into fists then back out again. Alex flicked a glance at them and briefly took one in his hand, rubbing the agitation out. Now we were out of London, I relaxed and settled into the drive, letting myself daydream to the strains of The Velvet Underground and The Stone Roses as we sped across the country. It was a funny thing driving with Alex. Like most times, I was aware that he was never a hundred percent there, always slightly away with the fairy's, most probably thinking up some new tune or lyrics. If I didn't trust him with my life, I would have been a little bit worried driving with him, such was the amount of times he got lost in his own head. Like now. I had my head to the side, watching his face. He didn't seemed to have noticed, as if he had, he would have looked at me by now. His skin was still glowing from the American sun, making me remember the couple of weeks I had stayed with him over the tour. It had been a blissful respite and an adventure. There was one more date in June and the weeks of having him to myself stretched out ahead of me. Knowing in my heart of hearts that he loved me was making it a whole lot easier to brush over things that before would have made me question his devotion to me. My fingers tapped against my thigh as my eyes took him in. So lucky was I to have him.

"Do you want me to drive soon?" I asked a while later from where I had halfway slid down my seat, feet on the dashboard.

He glanced at me, sunglasses covering his eyes against the sun that pierced through the windows, "Yeah, soon, but not now. 'ow about when we stop for lunch at the next services, then we'll swop?"

I nodded, looking down at my book again, "Sounds good to me, I'm starving."

He laughed, "I'm not surprised."

I shot a small smile his way, before returning to my book, Girl With The Pearl Earring. About an hour passed before he pulled off the motorway and drove round the corner into a services. I looked up from where I had been lost in the book, blinking slightly. Taking my feet off the dashboard, I wiggled my toes, trying to get the blood flow back into them. Alex relaxed against his seat, twisting to look at me as I stretched. I smiled at him happily. We had just crossed the border into Wales and I already felt like I was home again. I hadn't been back to Wales since the weekend before I toured with them for a bit, so just over a month or so. It was going to be hard as this would be the last time I saw this country and my family before we moved to America. I pushed the door open, placing my bare feet on the concrete below me. It had been warmed by the sun, sending a pleasant feeling through my skin.

"Shoes Rhea?" I looked back at him, where he was holding up my leather ankle boots. I considered them for a minute, before taking them out of his hands, "Thanks.

He smiled then let himself out, locking the car behind us. I reached for his hand, which he slipped into mine as we walked across the crowded parking lot towards the sprawling building. He bought our lunch while I went to the loo, then we sat outside on a grimy bench and enjoyed the watery sun. I bit into a particularly crunchy piece of lettuce, chewed and swallowed, "You looking forward to going?"

"Goin' where?"

I looked at him out the corner of my eye. He was smoking again, "America."

"I'm lookin' forward to leavin' like leavin' home for the first time."

I looked at him, then looked away again, "Makes sense."

"Are you?"

I pondered this question for while, coming to the conclusion that I wasn't sure I knew the answer yet. I told him as such, which ended the conversation. He threw away the fag, popped in a piece of gum and stood. I followed his lead, throwing my salad packet in the bin and walked by his side back to the car. It started to rain again as I slid into the drivers seat. He watched with a small smile on his lips as I slipped off my shoes and put my bare feet on the pedals, "You don't like shoes very much do you?"

"I see them more as a hindrance than an asset. There's a lot more you can do with bare feet, a lot more you can sense." I started the engine, looking behind me, and reversed out of the parking space, "Most of the time when I was a kid I didn't wear shoes. It was only when I realised that people thought it was dirty and just plain unhealthy did I start to obey to society's rules." I glanced at him, "Then again, I never have been much for their rules."

Time passed and it wasn't long before I started to see familiar sites. We passed through miner town after miner town, through factory towns near the sea where black smoke and flames burst out of chimneys and terraced houses lined the grey streets. Still we drove further, leaving behind the thick smog and welcoming the rolling hills of my county. Every now and again I would point a place out to him, but was mostly silent, taking in my surroundings. Eventually we came to a T junction which I turned up, past a couple of houses on the corner and up a steep a hill, a bluebell wood running along on our left, fields on our right. I was aware of Alex taking it all in. I slowed down as we neared the crest of the hill, and turned down a track that had a simple sign in Welsh that loosely translated into Swamp Meadows. We bumped down the old track, past a field lined with baby trees, a small caravan sat at the end of the grassy bank. A man stood, leaning up against the side of the caravan, his waist long white hair plaited down his back. I waved to him briefly and he held up a hand in welcome, "That's Chris, he's lived there since I was about eleven and I've known him pretty much since I was born. He's an absolutely brilliant flute player." I told Al, my voice quiet. He nodded as we passed through a gateway, and I turned down another track, the red stone rushed past under our wheels, "If you look over there," I pointed to my left, "You should be able to see some polytunnels, that's Dad's farm." We carried on along the track, down a hill, until we came to a small river, only about seven foot across and passed over it on a small bridge. It regularly flooded, hence the huge holes that had been made by the continuous amount of water flooding over the concrete. I had always been scared it would snap when we drove over it. Finally, passing through a gate, we drove through one last field where cows stared at us and came into view of the house. It was a white farm house, a grape plant climbed up one half it it, while a cottage was attached to the other. The cottage was actually the original house, but when times changed, the people who lived there decided to build a more modern house next to it. The house and it's two rather large gardens were surrounded by a hedge that was in the process of being laid. Next to the house, two large horse boxes sat, smoke curling from the small chimneys. I pulled up into a small two car parking space just beside the gate into the house. Turning off the engine, I sat in silence, crossing my hands over my belly. I snapped my head over to him, to see he was already looking at me, "Ready?"

He took a breath, then let it out, "As ready as I'll ever be."

"First things first though right?" I whispered as I leant into kiss him. I had undone my seatbelt so he was able to pull me across his lap, his hands spread on my lower back. I let myself linger in his touch, then pulled away, "I love you." His face cracked into a grin and he brushed his mouth up against mine again, "An' I love you." He let me go and I slid back into my seat, reaching down so I could pull on my boots.

The evening was warm for April and I breathed in a lung full of country air. The only noise around us was from the far off main road, but even that was so distant you could block it out without even trying. The car door slammed behind me, announcing his exit of the vehicle. Following my lead, we walked down the small slope, through the old iron cow gate and towards the door. It's green pain shone in the evening light and when I touched it, it was still slightly warm from the day's sun. I turned the key in the lock, it was only ever removed when we went away, and pushed the door open. The familiar smell surrounded me and I couldn't help smiling. Memories right? Just as we shut the door behind us and got our bearings in the dim hall, the kitchen door was flung open and Art flew through the doorway, his thirteen year old body knocking the air out of me. "Woah there babe, lets try not to kill me on the first day shall we." He merely grinned and squeezed his thin arms around my waist, before letting me go and turning to Al. Brushing his dusty blond hair away from his eyes, he stuck out his hand, "Art, you must be Alex?" Alex smiled and took his small hand in his equally slender one and shook it, "Yeah, that's me. Nice to you meet you mate."

"Wow, you really do have an accent." Art burst out. I couldn't help laughing and Alex joined in, "Well it's not as strong as it used to be, but I guess it's still there."

The kitchen door swung open again and Mam stood in the doorway, a big smile on her face, "Well hello there."

I grinned at her, and walked forwards to give her a hug. She smelled of the kitchen and my mouth watered at the thought of what she might be cooking, "You alright."

She nodded and let go of me, looking past my body at Al, who was standing slightly awkwardly, "Well Rhea, you certainly weren't lying, you got quite a stunner." She walked forwards to him and embraced Alex in a warm hug, which he returned, "Nice to finally meet you love, it's about fucking time." Alex laughed and nodded, "You could say that." Mam gestured towards the kitchen, "Anyway, come in and meet the rest of them. Don't worry, we won't judge if you can't remember all our names." She chuckled and walked ahead of us into the brightly lit room, followed by Art. I smiled at Alex, my eyes searching slightly. He blinked in reassurance, but took the hand I offered anyway. I watched with a careful eye as he greeted the rest of my family with quick remarks and a steady confidence which they picked up on quickly. Dana nodded at me from across the room in an approving way. I rolled my eyes at her. We had arrived right on time for dinner, and after we popped out to get our luggage, we settled down to one of Mam's specialties. A good old venison roast. Alex soon lost his air of shyness and threw himself quite admirably into the hustle and bustle of my family, although I was acutely aware of his hand searching for mine under the table more times than he would care to admit. As I looked around my childhood home, I felt this really was the last time. It certainly wasn't the last time I would come here, but more that it was the last time I would see it as my home. Before, when I lived with Sally, I saw it that I was only staying in London for a bit and would return home every weekend, now it was so different. Now my home was in the form of the man at my side. His embrace was the wall's that would shelter me from the weather of life, his kiss the love that would feed me and words the land that fed my soul. I had once been told not to put all that I was on one island that was a relationship, and to always keep a bit apart, on my island, so if it didn't work out, I wouldn't go back to nothing. I took this piece of advice to heart, and although it was hard to not give him absolutely everything that I could, I still kept a part of me for myself. A bit of me that would always keep him guessing, a piece that would he would always chase, but never quite catch, because that piece was mine. Nobody had any right to it except me.

The sky darkened, the mood mellowed and we moved into the bottom half of the cottage that had been turned into the lounge. A log fire was the centre of the space, the whole room arranged around the glowing furnace that was the only heating in the whole house. The wood beams above us, were hung with many things. Above the fire, woven god's eyes slowly moved in a dusty dance, their bright colours lighting up the white wall. On an old meathook which we had never removed hung a small blue velvet bag. In it was a charm. I had never seen exactly what was in it, but I knew it was important, for the two times that it had been lost, Mam had not been able to rest until it was found. We weren't exactly a family that believed in all that magic and stuff, but we sure had a healthy respect for the small charms that made life easier. I watched the pouch, it's dark material glowing slightly in the fire light. I was curled up against Al's side on the large sofa, Fey's head in my lap, running my fingers through her dark, dark brown hair. Alex's hand was curled around the back of my neck, fingers twisted in my hair. He was listening intently to the music that flowed from across the room. Tamsin and Robin, with their nine year old son Tan, had come over from their trucks just after dinner and settled down with us. Robin had brought over his guitar, Tamsin her penny whistle and they had set up camp with their music across the room. John hadn't been able to resist it and had got his drum down, Mam got her penny whistle and they proceeded to jam. The acoustic music filled the crowded room, my foot slowly moved to the beat. I smiled at Al's fascination at their movements. I knew he was itching to have a go and join in, but was nervous. He had said to me before that although him and the other guys played so well on the stage, they were never the sort of band that jammed. I looked at Mam as she walked past, a couple of empty glasses in her hands. She caught my eye and ever so slightly jerked her head to the side, towards the kitchen. Gently lifting Fey's head off my lap, I extracted myself from Al's embrace. When I was on my feet, I leant over him and briefly kissed the corner of his mouth, "I'll be back in a minute." I nodded my head towards John, "Go grab John's spare guitar and join in, I know you want to." With that I stood up straight and followed Mam into the kitchen.

A pot of stock from the left over venison and veg bubbled on the cooker, making the room smell deliciously edible. Mam was rinsing the glasses under the tap. I walked over to her and leant up against the side, waiting for her to speak. When she had placed the glasses to dry, she turned to me and gave me her full attention. She spoke in Welsh and said, "So how's it going."

I nodded slowly, my mouth moulding itself around my native language, "Good." I stopped and started again, "Really, really well. It's hard sometimes, we have our differences and sometimes I just want to..." I made a strangling motion with my hands, "And yet, on the whole it's so much easier now he's here."

"Yes, he's seems like a seriously decent guy Rhea." She smiled at me, "It's very lovely watching you to together. One of you moves and the other one does exactly the same. You seem very aware of each other the whole time you're together."

I shrugged, my lips twitching, "It's weird sometimes, it's like I can feel where he is without even having to look, or know how he's feeling or what he wants without asking. Of course at times it can be completely different and I just don't understand what's going on in that head of his..."

She raised her eyebrows at me, "It's quite something that you've found this sort of relationship so young, " She cocked her head to the side, "But then again, you've never been the one for doing things you're supposed to when you're young. Sometimes I wonder if you're the oldest one out of our family."

"Oh, I have my moments, just like everybody else."

She thought for a minute then, "So, I know you've said that you're looking forward to going to LA and all that, but I need to ask you in person. Is this what you want?"

I answered without hesitation this time. After Alex had asked me at the services if I was looking forward to going, I had mulled over the question, "Yeah. I feel it's something that needs to happen. At the end of the day Al is a very private person and that's one of the things I love about him, so I think he needs to escape for a while and hide. As for me, I need change, I need to go and explore again. I've been stuck in London for too long now. I certainly don't want to stay in LA, and I have told Al as much, but this is an adventure I am looking forward to taking." I picked at a mark in the side, " I think that not only do I need a change in scenery, but also I need a change in myself and I think moving away for a while and getting to spend a decent amount of time with Alex is exactly what I need to rebuild a few things."

I saw the sadness cloud Mam's eyes, but she smiled anyway, "I think you're right. When you told me, I had the feeling that this was going to change quite a few things. When you come back you're not going to be the same person anymore, I know that. I've noticed it already, you're growing again, growing and filling yourself up again and it's wonderful and heartbreaking to watch."

I nodded, "Yeah, it's true. We'll all adapt, I'm sure." The sound of the music echoed around me and I smiled in happiness as his voice sailed towards me. Seems he had got over his nervousness after all, "It's like in his quietness I can rebuild myself with his steady support. Sometimes all he has to do is look at me and I feel better, like I know what I need to do." I laughed slightly, "When he came back from the tour, he came back early without telling me and I went back to his flat, as I had been sleeping there the last few nights, making it more homely for his return. Anyway, I came back and was fucking exhausted so I went straight to his bedroom and there he was, just lying in the bed, out for count. Seeing him there, I couldn't move. I hadn't seen him for weeks and suddenly he was there, I thought I was seeing things. It was one of the best moments of my life, the weird thing is, is that I don't even know why. It was just that at that moment I was home, again, after being away, he was back, so I was home. That's when I knew for certain that I would follow him away to LA and probably anywhere." I was slightly embarrassed as this all came out of my mouth. It was all very well thinking it, but to tell it to someone who wasn't Al was slightly weird. I wasn't sure anyone could really understand. It probably just sounded like a load of sappy bullshit to anyone else. Oh well.

Mam was looking at me in a peculiar way, "I understand, in my own way, I know what you're saying." She frowned slightly, "I know with that certain person, sometimes it can burn so bright that it's hard to see past it. The trick is to not lose yourself in it. Don't lose sight of yourself and what you need." Her words struck something in me and I knew I would remember them. The conversation turned to less deep things and I told her about seeing his parents, what my plans were, how the packing was going. After a while of discussing the problems of getting my aerial hoop to America, it had been a nightmare, Mam changed the subject to tomorrow. As this was the last time in a while I was going to be here, a few people were coming over tomorrow night to say goodbye. I had laughed at the idea when she had suggested it, as to be realistic, it wasn't that long I was going to away for, but still she had insisted, "Damon was over yesterday."

My ears perked up at the mention of my ex, "Oh really? How's he doing?"

"He's good actually. Finally stopped smoking so much pot and got a good job now, working in the woods with Mark."

I sighed in relief. I had always worried about how much he smoked, "That's really great. Is he coming tomorrow?" I asked this because not only had we had a brief, disastrous relationship, but our families had known each other for years, so it would make sense for him to come over.

She shook her head, her light grey eyes shining with light, "No. You know as well as I do that it would be hard for him, especially as Alex is here. He still carries a very bright light for you."

I was saddened at the news, although I had suspected it myself. He was still my friend and some part of me missed him, "That's a shame. I'll miss him."

"I sometimes wonder what would have happened between you if you hadn't moved away and weren't still so confused about Jamie." Her voice was soft as she said this and I knew she was being careful not to say anything that would upset me.

I smiled at her, "Me too. Well, I used. Somehow, I don't think it would have worked out though. It only happened really because we got to that point in our friendship where we just couldn't go any further without becoming more than just friends. At the end of the day, we both wanted comfort from someone, but we didn't suit, even if he still thinks we would."

She brushed her wild grey hair behind her ears, "Yes, I suppose you're right." We spoke a few more words, but soon we turned together and walked back into the lounge. The atmosphere had changed. It was quieter, only Robin humming to himself and drumming a slow beat. Tamsin, Dana and Fey were giggling to each other in the corner. I went directly to Al who was slouched on the sofa, eyes closed. I lowered myself next to him, careful not to jolt his body in case he was sleeping. As soon as I sat at his side though, his arm curled around my shoulders, pulling me close, "You alright love?"

"Yeah, just been tal-" I stopped abruptly, realising I was still talking in Welsh. He laughed and I smiled back up at him, "Can't believe I just did that."

He smile had a tinge of sadness to it as he met my eyes, "I love that 'bout you."

"What? That I get languages mixed up?"

"Well, yes it's quite funny. But what I mean is that you sure as hell haven't let go of where you come from, watchin' you here, makes me realise you'll never let go of it easily."

I shook my head, "Never will I ever forget what the people and land here have done for me. I will never be able to repay the debt, so all I can do is keep coming back."

Later that night as we lay in bed together, my childhood bedroom shrouded in the darkness, he turned to look at me. His breathing was soft and whispered against my cheek. My fingers were wound through his, head on his arm. He took a breath and spoke, "I think I'm begginin' to understand you."

"You are?" I answered, my voice hitting his ear quietly.

"Hmm, comin' here, seein' what began you as the person you are now, you're startin' to make a bit more sense."

"Only a bit?"

He lips smiled, "Rhea, you've never made any sense to me until now an' I doubt you ever truly will."

"I'm not sure whether to take that has a compliment or an insult."

His lips searched for mine, dragging across my cheek, "Oh, it's a compliment darlin'," He whispered just before he kissed me. I closed my eyes.

"Ever since you walked right in the circle's been complete

I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street

In the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun

I love you more than ever and I haven't yet begun"

-Wedding Song-Bob Dylan-

Hope you enjoy xx