Stolen

Chapter Twenty Three: Waiting

*****

"JOHN," she screamed as she watched his body collapsed on the ground, the area around him glowing with the blazing fire of the building. Kneeling beside him, Rogue pulled his bloody body to her, letting his head rest in her lap as she placed her hand on his face, watching him take deep excruciating breaths, refusing to believe that her strong John Allerdyce could ever fall.

"John," Rogue cried at the sight of him, feeling her clothes soak with the blood from his battered body. "You're going to be ok, I'm here."

"Marie?" His eyes turned to her tear stained face as he lifted his dirt caked hand up to graze her cheek, almost trying to prove to himself that she was really there.

"It's me, I'm here. You're going to be ok, Logan's here, so is Mystique. We'll get you home. Dr. McCoy can help you, he did before." She rambled on; trying desperately to believe that he can be saved despite his shrapnel embedded skin and the rapid decline in his body temperature due to the excessive blood loss.

"Marie, you know I-I- that is," he tried to say through the pain and her heart broke at hearing his trembling voice. Even after everything he had gone through, after all the torment and destruction he put his body through he was still trying to utter to her the very words that he felt in his being.

"I know, John, I know," she whispered, watching his hand slowly fidget with the pocket of his jeans, and saw him pull out his lighter, the same lighter that he had carried with him throughout all the years that she had known him, the one that he gave to her for protection. It was the very symbol of who he is, a fiery person whose burning passion can only be surpassed by his love for her.

"Don't say anything, you don't have to say anything."

Wrapping her hand around his that clutched at the small device, she brought it to her face and felt him in every way she can feel a person. In her mind she could hear all the quiet whispers that John had for her, all the little tells that his heart song sang for her. They were linked, there was no doubt about that, and that was a bond that transcended mere spoken words and into subconscious thoughts.

"Marie, I love you more than anything, loving you has made everything worth it. Being with you was the only peace I had ever known."

"John," she sobbed vocally, her psyche still hearing his words of devotion, "don't leave me, please, don't leave me."

"I'm never going to leave you, I'm not going anywhere, just remember me…remember me," his words echoed in her mind as she felt the weight in his head shift as the last amount of energy that supported it escaped his body. She saw his eyes turn and the life behind it disappeared. She felt his body go limp in her arms as his hand that held the lighter collapsed onto her side.

"JOHN," she screamed as she pulled his cold and broken body to her and held him close to her, burying her face at the crook of his neck, her hair and face and body soaking with his blood.

"You promised me. You had me. Don't do this to me, please don't." She buried herself in him, not caring or noticing the ongoing torrent of flames around her, her body numb to the fire as it grazed her skin.

"Rogue," Logan's voice echoed above her as he grabbed her arm, trying to pull her away from the body of her dying lover. "Rogue, we have to go, the Sentinels are here."

"No..." she screamed above his bold voice, "I'm not going anywhere. We can't leave him here, I can't leave him."

"Rogue, he's gone, we need to get out of here it's not safe."

"HE'S – NOT – GONE!" Her grip around his limp neck tightened itself as she said this, refusing to believe that she had lost everything, refusing to believe that she had lost him.

Logan's constant tugging at her arms finally made progress and she felt the strength of his hands rip John away from her as excessive amounts of flames and laser beams torched the earth around them.

The fire burned and hurt but holding his cold body and looking at his lifeless eyes hurt even more than the threshold of pain her body was going through, the only thing she could feel was the sting of being completely and absolutely alone.

"We can't leave him, Logan; we have to go back he's waiting for me we have to go back…"

*****

So this is what it feels like, this numbness that felt so anesthetized that it was almost painful. The wind picked up a little and she wrapped her jacket a little tighter around herself without really wondering why because the painful memory had become so deadening that the cold had lost its effect on her.

Her hands were itching from the dryness. They had been so use to the protection of her long gloves that they had forgotten what exposure to climate changes can do to them. Digging into her oversized bag she pulled out the all too familiar pair of dark gloves and slowly glided it over her arms.

She remembered the first time she was here, the feeling of abandonment when she first ran away from the Institution after Bobby reprimanded her for using her powers on Logan. Of course she did not know that it was Mystique disguised as Bobby who said those harsh words to her as a means to coax her into leaving the protection of the X-Men.

She remembers sitting at this very train station and Logan coming in to try to convince her that there was a home for her and that she was safe. She remembered every instance after that when she would run away to this quiet sanctuary to think and he just like the worried father would come and they would share the long proverbial walk back home but this time would be different. This time she knew that out of respect for her he would come and she would not go back because she did not know what she was going back to.

Feeling like she had lost her way with no compass, she was looking for a place to once again belong, to know that she will never have to bend and break herself for anyone. Human, hardly, even the so called cured mutants face rejection because the awful mask of once being a mutant will always stay with them thanks to the passing of the mutant registration act. Mutant, once being a mutant without a gift is like being a boat with no paddles or sail, she finally understood what he meant, and it was like having to constantly drift in the winds just trying to find a way home.

Home, she thought to herself, she had found it awhile back, the feeling of comfort and a familiarity that was so real it almost feels like a dream, a dream that she wished she could relieve over and over again.

…I just miss the feeling of home. You know, the one place where you can go and feel safe, feel like no matter what happens there's someone that loves you there…

…Rogue, you're home right now…

Now coming full circle here she is again weighting her options and choices that were going to take her absolutely nowhere.

Nowhere

Nothingness

Nonexistence

Do any of these places even exist for her?

Lately for Marie the feeling of disappointment and anguish was a constant in her life that made it almost unbearable to breathe. The more she thought about it the more she realized that what she was really looking for was a place where all the memories of turmoil would wash away from her; somewhere she can stop feeling and just exist.

She hated it, the constant reminder of everything and everyone she had lost. Being at the institution, with the X-Men, she realized is just being faced with the ever elusive beast called death and so she ran with no real direction. The only constant in her life, it seems, is that she is always going to be running.

…No matter where you go I'm always going to find you…

It is a strange feeling really, knowing that you are truly alone and alone acted as such a constant reminder of how far acceptance is from the truth and the ugly truth was that things will never be the same; they will never just work out and the casualties are the broken promises along the way.

…Things will work out…

…I love you, John…

…I'll be back, I promise…

She dug into her pocket and her fingers felt the familiar cold metal of the lighter that she always carried with her, feeling the tears wanting to escape her eyes as she stifled back the quiet sobs. Letting her mind drift off she thought about all the disillusionment and agony in her life that has lead her to this state of complete despair. The things she has lost and streamed away from played itself in her mind that left her so exposed that she felt like a hallowed out piece of fruit that was left to rot and devour itself.

Her first kiss

He just touched me, I didn't mean to I'm sorry. Don't touch me!

Her disownment from home

You are not my daughter; I did not father a mutant

And deaths, so many deaths of people she knew, people who were so willing to love and accept her for who she was, people that she let plant themselves in her very soul.

Professor Xavier

Scott Summers

Jean Grey

Carmen Pryde

Katherine Pryde

And John Allerdyce

Reminding herself of the things John had told her, the many lessons that she had learned through loving him she felt her heart tremble at the memory that played itself in her mind, the first moment when she knew that she can finally stop running because she had found where she needed to be, where she wanted to be.

…I'm here now and I need you to tell me that I have a chance, even if it's one in a million because I'll keep waiting if I do but if not then just one word Marie, just one word is all it takes for me to stop…

…What would you like me to say…

…I just want to know what I have…

"John," she whispered to the air in the isolated train station, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he can hear her the same way that she will always hear him echo in her psyche.

"I'm sorry. It's too hard without you but I know…" No longer able to be strong and hide what her heart told her, she felt her face grow wet with tears as she glanced down at the lighter that found its way subconsciously out of her jacket pocket and into her gloved hands.

"…somehow, we can still be together because you had me," she spoke through her unbearable sobs and trembling voice. "You will always have me, John."

Tracing the outline of lighter, she saw every little small moment and every quiet glances, unspoken words, and careless caresses that she and John ever shared reflect off the metal of the lighter, like a silent black and white film, reminding her of everything she can never have, everything that was stolen from her, all the familiarity that her heart and body will miss.

…Marie, I love you more than anything, loving you has made everything worth it…

Sweet John, who always constantly held his unwavering belief and responsibilities with such passion that it consumed him. Passion, she thought about the word; that was the fire in his heart, which was the driving force behind all his decisions; it was the reason why she loved him so. Is that what everyone in this forsaken world is really looking for, passion, a reason to live? Is that what she is looking for?

…Fight for what you believe in Marie. Remember makes life worth living…

Inhaling deeply she quietly acknowledged exactly what she was trying to find, what made her come to this train station and wait….

Nothingness

Emptiness

Unconsciousness

She was looking for oblivion

Seeing the train pull up she held her bag closer to her and tucked the lighter away in her pocket and with careful consideration she let oblivion make her final decision, the silent whispers in her mind that was reminiscent of John's voice played its song on her skin as she felt the door close behind her.

…I'm not going anywhere, just remember me…remember me…

*****

Oddly enough, this was actually the first chapter I wrote before anything else and I just added to it as the story progressed. It was the hardest chapter I had to write and without a doubt the one I edited the most. There's still one more chapter after this, remember the happiness I told you about, it's coming up.

Preview for Chapter 24: Rogue and John reunite for the first time