Shorter than the average chapter that you've been getting lately but...I have had an off the charts horrible day and just was in the mood to do it this way...Was going to go a whole 'nother route but...This is what happened =D Enjoy.
-NWJ
OoOoO
OoOoO
The Heart. The most important organ in the body. Without it's beat...Without it's function...Without it's presence...Your existence becomes no longer. Just like any other soldier on the front line, the heart is always the first to be attacked...From all angles. People love to hurt people, a dagger to the heart to be exact. The way to kill a vampire and the way to hurt a soul. A broken heart, from that of a person who wasn't cautious with it...They treated it like steel...indestructible... when it should have been handled like glass..fragile...tangible...A black heart...surrounded by the pressure of the world to conform to the ways that now shape society. The cold robotic society that now has electricity to do anything...They take the heart out of things...and then that exiled heart blackens from desperation of use. Then there is the burdened heart...black...broken and hurt...Yet no one can tell...One of the only conditions of the heart that can't be easily detected because those who usually bare it take the load in stride as it heavies and they begin to wheeze, their back breaking, their knees crippling, their pace slowing, their stance falling...and no one notices...No one...Not until the heart stops beating.
OoOoO
OoOoO
Marc beat himself endlessly...5 years...5 damn years and he couldn't tell when she had too much on her plate...I know when...her Gucci is fading..and Gucci never fades...when she needs a root touch up...When she's in love...When's she's angry...When she's about to have the ultimate tantrum...I know her...I am the Wilhelmina Slater guru...I know her dammit...No one, Not even Daniel knows her like I do...I know how she likes her coffee...What she will eat and why she will and why she doesn't like breakfast...She raised me...When she moved I moved...I lick her expensive boots because I like them...okay! I know her...I know her better than anyone else here! She's like my mother...my diva...my goddess..I practically worship the ground she walks on and it's a lot if you count the tracks she makes between terrified assistants and anxiety-filled Editors...She didn't make me an Editor...And I...turned on her...I slacked off...I got angry...I didn't pay attention to her because...She didn't do what I wanted...Well it was the only thing I've ever asked her for...but it wasn't her fault..Yes it was...No it wasn't...She let her relationship with Daniel over power her choice...She didn't fight him...She didn't fight for my position...she just let...Betty take it...she didn't fight for me...I deserved that position...So i said...fuck her...I acted like I didn't care...And of course she couldn't tell because she doesn't care... She doesn't care about any-...I sound terrible...I sound like a whiny child who's upset with their mommy...She's done so much for me...She gave me my start...I owe her...I owe her everything..and..I...l let her fall...I...felt wronged so I turned my back on her...I forgot about her feelings...God...it's my fault...It's...It's all my fault...
Fault is often felt by those who feel like their duty has not been completed...Like they've dropped the baton in the race...Like they caused the domino affect of people falling because they were the last in line...And people often let them do this to them self because it's easier to find it in yourself. You have to dig deep and pull out all your emotions and analyze one to say...Okay...which one is negative...Which one spawned from a hurt that I can't let go of...And which one wants to blame my neighbor because I know that I was right in the pool with them...The fault pool.
OoOoO
OoOoO
Betty had never been close to the woman...She often ignored her comments just to keep afloat at Mode...Sure she opposed Daniel and Willie's relationship but it was not meant to be...or was it...I mean did I contribute?...It was bad enough that she was dealing with the Izak drama and all of the other craziness in her life...I mean her father is running for re-election in the Senate...Daniel is fighting his own demons about commitment...He can't help it because he's never seen a relationship last...he doesn't know what it looks like...And they were dealing with that in their relationship...Does it help when I give them grief about their relationship...No...Wilhelmina doesn't give care about what I think...Or...does she...Did my doubt...give her doubt...Did I hurt their relationship by putting it in Daniel's head that they weren't meant for each other...Was that...bad...did that make it harder for them to have a growing relationship...Did they really need my input or did they really just need my support...Was I...wrong?
NOT being wrong is genetically grafted into the identification of every human being. We are built to accept when something doesn't come out our way or our judgments are false or preconceived notions are wrong...We are suppose to accept it...Yet depending on how your personality develops and the family you grow up in...That changes...If you're used to being right it's going to be hard to let yourself be wrong but sometimes it is so vital that you be wrong...so you can see what you do to people...Being wrong is more affective then being right because when it comes to people, being wrong is the one thing that is automatically recognizable...You can tell when your premature judgment took a toll on someone's thoughts. you can tell when your inexperienced advice, wore on someone's soul...It's easier to see then when you're right and that person is happy or...joyous...because happy is dependent on the Now moment of today while joy is dependent on the happenings of today that affect tomorrow but...grief...sorrow...pain...hurt...dismissal...It lingers longer than the 2 seconds of smiling that you can gain from being...Right...Right?
OoOoO
OoOoO
Claire knew the face...She knew and recognized the expressed paleness that washed her face as well as the way her face contorted in pain...Like a flashback... She knew...Bradford had two...One when Meade was getting on it's feet and another during the recession...All the while she was in a drinking spell...She couldn't help but think...I almost had a year under my belt...7 months that is...I let him down...I let my family down...I...I just got so weak...I...don't know how...to control myself. When that smell hits my nostrils...when that...taste embraces my lips and touches my tongue...a chill runs through me...It's exhilarating...It makes me feel young again...Why did I never have a heart attack...i kept getting on the waagon...But...I also kept falling off again...And I put so much pressure on them to clean up my mess...because while off the wagon...I told their secrets...I dug up their dirty laundry and threw them out the window...I stressed them both...Now I never like Wilhelmina but I never meant to kill her...I just...I spent so many years hating her that I...was so used to hurting her...I didn't realize when it was becoming to much...I didn't know how much my drinking was...hurting...other people...I... mean...I actually don't hate Wilhelmina as much as I thought I did...She's evil, yes but...recently...we've grown closer...and She's shown that behind that botoxed mask of hers...she...She cares...She really does despite what she tells people...I mean even that day when we were at the restaurant and she made the waiter take up my wine and replace it with Perrier water...She didn't have to...And the old Wilhelmina would have let me drink myself into a stupor...But...lately...she...she just...I don't even know...I guess I'm thinking this way because of this feeling that I'm having...because I spent so many years arguing with her when I should have been trying to...let things go...so that she would have too...I guess what I'm feeling is...Guilt...
Guilt. The Antagonist of Responsibility...Like the evil Cinderella...They're connected but while responsibility is something that you acquire over time...You can't control guilt...It just jumps upon you like it owns you and constrains your stomach and thoughts in order to try and make your conscience feel responsible for whatever happens. Presidents feel it...Leaders feel it...Villains feel it...Heroes, all to well...Guilt does not pick and chose... though some of us really wish it did.
OoOoO
She wondered why Daniel kept blowing up her phone...I mean her name was Ariel but that didn't mean she had a conch shell at the bottom of the ocean that she kept on her for emergencies. She felt that until...Until the words spilled out...My mother is in perfect health..This can't be happening...it's impossible..she barely even eats so how could she have a heart attack...it's ridiculous...it's ludicrous...I don't believe it..It's probably just some ploy to make me come back...after all we kind of slapped her when we stormed out...But still...Don't lie to me so that I can come back...Just ask for me to come back...I probably wouldn't though...She wronged me...She hurt me...She...ruined my childhood and she didn't even care...All she cared about was how Nico felt...She never gave a damn about me...She sent me to live with the Senator and his Physco Wilhelmina clone wife...God...I hate this family...So much craziness...And Nico of course got the majority of it..She's so screwed up...Her mother killed someone and now she has killed someone...Her mother..She deserved to know...She needed to know...I couldn't share my mother with her anymore...I couldn't just let her infiltrate in the family anymore...I love her of course but...that's my mother...I love her like a sister but I don't want to share my mother with her...I wonder if Daddy Warbucks Prank called her too...Heart attack please...and no I am not in Denial...I'm in shock that they would stoop so low...As I said before...My mother would never have a heart attack...She's too pretty to die...She...She can't die right now...I'm only 20...I need...I need my mother...Who's going to tell me...how to deal with heartbreak...Or how to match McQueen and Chanel...You only get one mother...Who's going to...going to do that for me...Maybe...Maybe I'll stop by just to check...they're probably lying...my mother can't die right now...No this is not denial...it's not...denial...
Denial...a safe place for everyone...Like the meadows they put in movies that all the characters go to for solace...It's so comforting to deny reality...You get to ignore the brazen truth of the world...be bold yet childlike...Shield yourself from the hurt and pain...of what you know is true...Denial is so comforting...but so detrimental at the same time.
OoOoO
Nico had boarded a plane...Headed straight to Washington to hear the truth from her real mother...that Pyromaniac...Fire-loving bitch...The woman who gave her up...She hated the world and wanted to know why the hell Pasty face was calling her...doesn't he know a dramatic exit when he sees one...Her guard went up as she picked up her phone...Yet everything fell when she heard him speak. How dare she have a heart attack...how dare she...trick her body into going in cardiac arrest just to make me feel bad...Only Wilhelmina Slater can cause her body to do things...Of course she would do this to me when I'm angry at her and when I don't want to see her but now I can't get her out of my head...I don't want to care...She lied to me...So what if she dies...She killed me the day she allowed my mother to give up on me...She let that happen...She should've done everything she could to convince my mother to keep me...She just took me and...clothed me and...put me in boarding school and...gave me fashion shoots...designer clothes...fed me...she loved...me...She did do everything she could...She didn't want me...to grow up without the best...She...yelled at me when I did something wrong...She...sent me what I needed...She wiped my tears with her Hermes scarf when I fell off my bike...and when she sent me away...She sent me away so that I could...be where she wouldn't secretly resent me for being her husband's love child...she needed time...She did everything...so that I...could be...happy...I... was her priority all along...It could have been Ariel...It could have been Mode or even herself but I...I was her priority...She...didn't want me to suffer because of what Renee did...Even though I still had problems...She did the best she could and she still feels like she messed up...And I...I crushed her...I...took everything she had ever done and stepped on it...Practically spat on it...She is my real mother...The only thing that Renee had ever given me was a murderous impulse...I...kind of feel bad and now...She...She had a heart attack...Oh my...Oh my God...I can't...I can't let her die thinking that...I hate her...I...I'm sorry Mom...I don't hate you...I regret everything I do...I regret it...I regret...
Regret...So many people say that they have no regrets in life and that anything that they have ever done has shaped them into who they are. yet they never admit that some of us should do without some of those notches on our belt...That notch earned by not talking to your children for 20 years...Even though you found them...It would have been better to at least have had some sort of communication...See? Do you know how important that is...if you don't acknowledge your regret and you continue to lie to yourself by saying you have ABSOLUTELY NONE...It becomes a regret in itself...
OoOoO
Amanda
Hazel
Bridget
Jennifer
Crystal
Linda
Stephanie
Lexi
Sofia
Molly.
And the list goes on...Person after Person...Woman after Woman...Life after Life...He entered and exited...waltzed in and ran out...Slid in and slid out,...But not Willie...She wouldn't have let him...From the day he told her that he loved her, her perfectly manicured claws wrapped around his heart and pulled him to her until they were inseperable...Until death do them part. 6 minutes...She went without oxygen...She didn't breathe...She didn't move...She...was like a doll...I never..I've never felt so helpless...It was like the more breath I blew in her the colder she got...Her touch dimmer...Her skin paler...This woman...I can't even tell you...I've never been more afraid in my life...I thrive on her love...Her...I just...I can't...I love her too much to let her go right now...And I pushed her towards it...I kept badgering her to give me her burden when all I was doing was adding on to it...I kept pressuring her...I was killing her...I wanted the secret life...I snuck my swimmers in her test tube...I thought I was helping her to become a better person but all I was doing was killing her...And now...I have to sit and watch her slip away...Don't take her...Not when I'm to blame.
Blame...As simple as that...Something felt when you can't feel anything else...The fewer words and the more feeling...the more hurt...When you can't describe it...When it hurts to much...When you blame yourself to much to even allow yourself the honor of lifting the blame because when you lift the blame from yourself, you're forced to examine your feelings and deal with the possibility that the worse may be yet to come.
OoOoO
OoOoO
It was worse then labor pain...Worse then being slapped by Claire Meade...It brought her to her knees...Damn near crippled her...Damn it Wilhelmina! Wake Up! Wake the hell up! Heart attack, really Darling?...The only attack that you are capable of is Fashion and Violent...Shut up...It's bad enough being a bitch without having a bitchier conscience...I felt myself slipping away...I knew it wasn't normal and it was beginning to be a problem...everyone thought that I was pregnant...please don't kid yourself...Daniel has to put on at least 3 condoms before he touches me and even then my BC is in a lock box just in case anyone gets slick...Stupid hospital gown...probably ugly as hell but of course I can't tell because my fucking eyes won't open...Okay first Surgery fine...but now...I won't wake up? Come one now, can you get any more Days of our lives...SHUTUP WILHELMINA...As your conscience I have the right to tell you when you are hiding something and right now you are...take the armor off...you're scared...admit it...you need to wake up and you're scared that you won't...You're worried about Izak...the girls...Daniel...Mode...FINE...Is this the repayment that I get...I finally get scared! Huh, conscience you finally happy? Huh...what about you God? Finally stuck it to the ice queen...trying to knock me off my pedestal...prove to me that you're God? Tell me that I should fear you more? Well it worked...I'm scared as hell...I'm no longer in charge...I don't know what could happen...I can't control it...You're in control...But I'll tell this right now...If you're going to kill me...Kill me...Don't prolong it just to prove something to me...I get your point but don't hurt the others...they don't deserve what they could go through...I'm the one who stressed my self out to death's door...I'm the one knocking...Not them...Don't hurt them like this...Not like this...You'll kill them if they have to watch me die...Sure I'll miss my kids...And Daniel...and Mode...and Marc...and my life...but I'd rather them get over my death than see it happen...You should know by now...I don't like games...I like to get straight to the point...I was a bad person...I stole...I lied...I was hurtful...I didn't care about other's..I mistreated anyone who stepped in my way...I didn't pray...I didn't care...So you gave me a heart attack...A massive heart attack...Nice choice seeing that I'm in perfect health! But I digress...If you want to end my life just to show what happens to an ice queen when she doesn't care...If you're going to kill me...Do it already...Don't hurt the few people I actually love in this world by dragging it on any further...Do it! Just do it! Don't make them suffer! Kill me! Don't hurt them anymore! Just kill me...if that's what it takes...Just kill me!
Daniel's red eyes flickered between the monotonous machine as he sat at her ICU bedside...the tone...The fast racing tone that sounded...Just to sound...Like the toll of death...A dim church bell...Doctor's and nurses rushed in and pushed him from the room...He finally realized what that sound was ...She was slipping away...He felt it...That attachment they made when they joined together was cracking...his heart was breaking...blackening...burdening...The spring of his feet landed him back in the room as he watched them try to resuscitate her...and all he could feel externally was the feel of hands tugging at his waist to hold him back as his arms outstretched towards her, wanting to pull her back to him...They couldn't end like this...not like this...After everything they had been through...After all they fought to be together...It was like a slap in the face to take her so quickly.
The blinds were drawn...And the door was opened to reveal the seasoned physician...now surrounded by Modies..."Mr. Meade..."
"That's me..."
"I...
OoOoO
The Heart. The most important organ in the body. Without it's beat...Without it's function...Without it's presence...Your existence becomes no longer. The first one to give out...The first thing to go...The thing you count on to keep you afloat yet sometimes it feels as if all it brings is Fault...Guilt…..Regret...Blame...Denial...And the one thing Wilhelmina didn't know about hearts...Some were chained together...If one hurts...They all hurt even if it's minimally...Her heart was chained to theirs...She couldn't end it so easily...
So troublesome, the heart...Oh so Troublesome.
OoOoO