A/N: Guess who's hella sick adn thus hella ahead of schedule!

Also hella can't really talk.

3 May 1615

Me and my forgetful mind! I've been walking on air since April, but it's not quite as bad as it was. I think my elation might be slightly disproportionate to the excitement, but I'm just so happy! I remember when I was younger and my mother told me no one wanted an educated woman, and if I wanted to meet a man, learning to read and write wasn't going to get me anywhere. There is still some satisfaction about proving her wrong.

6 May 1615

Today Sigmun and I went to the market together alone and we had to split up. I never go to the market alone anymore if I can help it because of the men there. I've long since gotten used to it, or at least I don't feel so terrified anymore, but today a particularly persistent man tried and he must've been drunk because this is what happened.

"Hey there, sweetheart."

"Go away."

"Oh, come on. Don't you want some?" He put one arm around my shoulders and I couldn't wriggle away.

"No. Leave me alone." I tried escaping again, but he squeezed tighter and moved one hand to my chest.

"Sweetheart, we both know you just need a man like me to make you feel all better."

I wasn't sure if he would go away or not, so I wrenched one hand away from him and pulled my butcher's knife out of my shopping basket where I keep it, just enough so he could see it but no one else could.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Get away from me."

"Sweetheart, you really sure you know how to use that?"

"Oh, believe me, I do."

Just then, Sigmun turned the corner and I caught his disturbed face at me and this man much taller than I was.

"I'll say it one more time. Go away."

He growled at me and slunk off.

"What happened?" Sigmun asked, walking over to join me as I tucked the knife under my package of flour.

"Oh, he just tried to flirt with me. He put his arm around me and touched my chest and all that. The usual."

"The usual?!"

"Mm-hmm. It happens every time I go to the market alone."

"But…when you got attacked…wasn't that the only time?"

"The only time I was attacked. This sort of thing happens all the time, whenever I'm alone."

"Then why do you still go to the market alone?"

"I don't! I go with you or Simonn or Dolora."

"You shouldn't have to do that! You should be able to go to the market and run some errands without worrying that a drunk is going to molest you!"

"Love, don't worry about it. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing, Dianna! It's everything that you don't feel like you can go to the market alone without getting jumped on by someone who's going to violate you like that! It's not right!"

"Sigmun, it's been happening since I was sixteen. I'm used to it."

"No one should ever be used to something like this, I mean it! Something has to be done about it!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know. But there has to be something we can do."

"If I come up with something, you'll be the first to know," I said dryly. I hate the way things are, but what can one girl with passing skills in hunting and writing do? I don't know why Sigmun's so set on changing things. He's been like that since we were little and much as I'd love to believe that things can change, I do think there's a good deal of work to be done if anything is to change.

7 May 1615

Someone came by today to my house from the local bank. I didn't know banks could take houses. I don't know what a bank would want with a house. But since Father still owns the house, technically, they're going to take it and sell it to someone in a year, apparently when they can spare someone to "appraise" it. Why a year, I do not know. But that's going to ruin all the planning we did back in April about where we'd live. Sigmun and I can't afford a new house; we were planning to live in this house. What are we going to do?

10 May 1615

I don't want to tell Sigmun about the house. Everything was going to work out so nicely! Simonn has his childhood home and Dolora has her home and Sigmun and I were going to live here and it was all going to work out fine! Why didn't Father go to the trouble to just put the house in the family name like every other sane person? Maybe he knew I'd lose the house and then I'd have no choice but to get married. (I bet anything he was on Mother's side of that particular debate.) Which would be excellent if I wasn't planning to move here with my husband! There must be some way out of this.

Oh, and I got a letter today from Neolla. She's moving back to town soon from Yangsley's. I can't wait to see her again.

14 May 1615

I told him about the house today. I don't know why I was so worried; I mean, he's always been kind and reasonable. I suppose I'm just so worried about losing the house that I projected it onto worry about losing him.

"Sigmun."

"Yes?"

"You remember how we were going to live in my mother's old house?"

"Yes…" He looked a little worried, giving me that sideways glance he does when he tilts his head just enough to be noticeable and his eyes narrow just a touch.

"Well…a man from the bank came by the other day. Unless I can pull together the money, they're going to take the house."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll help."

"Help what?"

"Help you pull together the money. I have a job now, remember."

"I know. But it's my house, not yours. You shouldn't have to worry about this."

"We'll be living there together when we get married! I think I'm just as part of this as you are. And I'll always help you with whatever you need, you know that."

"I do. But this is still my house, are you sure you want to help?"

"Positive. I'll tell you my wages and you can calculate how much we'll need to add to that."

"Are you really sure?"'

"Of course I am. I love you."

"I love you too."

That's such a weight off my shoulders now. I think we might be able to manage with two people's pay for a year. I hope so, at any rate. Much as I despise the memories I store here, I don't want to lose this house. For all my mother destroyed me from the inside out, this is my childhood home in some ways.

I wonder if my children will love this house properly.

16 May 1615

I did the calculations yesterday. We'll have enough, but just barely. That's alright, though. I'm going to be married! To Sigmun! It doesn't matter how much money we have as long as we're together. And I know that sounds silly, but it's true. We could have no home at all and I'd be glad if we were together.

21 May 1615

Today I was planning on running some errands, so I asked Sigmun if he'd come with me.

"Sure. But I won't be much protection."

"I can protect myself."

"You said they don't harass you if you're not alone."

"Alright, it is nice."

"But…look. The other day, I was food shopping and they threatened to kill me again."

"Again?!"

"It happens all the time. I get a lot of threats."

"Why?"

"I could list a lot of reasons, but being illegitimate tops it. Then being poor, short, the fact that I live in the woods in the mysterious house with my mother, the strange apothecary whose cures work better than most doctors'. And that I don't really like spending time in the pub, mostly because that's where I run into people who would carry out their threats, and that I have you…" He sighed and shook his head as if to clear it.

"I'm sorry, love."

"It's not your fault, don't worry about it."

"You said part of it is that you have me."

"It's just because I bother with love. They say I'm a sissy, a stupid girl, stuff like that. I…never mind. Believe me, I'd rather have you and put up with it. Anyways, I don't mind being called a girl. It doesn't even make sense."

"Darling, you don't have to be with me. If it'd be better for you, I could just stop—"

"Are you serious?"

"Completely."

"That's ridiculous. It's the same for me as you; I just don't go places alone."

"Then I guess if we go run errands together, we'll be alright." I tried for a smile, but it was weak.

"Well, I know you can protect me, certainly. You proved that three years ago."

"You remember that?"

"Of course I do. You scared away eight men with a knife, then helped carry me home, then you kept me awake while Mama patched me up, then I told you that you were beautiful and you told me I was delusional."

"You were."

"I was, but not about that. Anyways, I bet I'll be alright if I'm with you."

"And I'll be alright if I'm with you." He kissed me and smiled.

"Come on, let's go. Errands to run, people to see, things to do."

I wish he wouldn't try to be so invulnerable like that; it worries me. I could tell he's afraid, and who wouldn't be? Getting death threats must be terrifying. I can't decide which is worse: being threatened first, or being surprised.

I wish I didn't have to.

2 June 1615

Neolla's going to be coming home in a few days. She sent word ahead that school ends on the first of June, graduation is the fourth, and she'll be home by the sixth. I can't wait to see her again! Mariek even seemed happy, under her layers of invulnerability. I wonder what she'll do once she's home again. I wonder if back here is still her home.

I forgot to factor in buying fabric when I figured how much I'd need for the house. I'll have to go back and do all that over again, never mind how stressed the whole debacle makes me. I don't like being an adult at times like these. I don't even feel like an adult. I still feel like the child who wrote overdone love letters to Sigmun, who giggled when she had her first kiss, who never had a thought about money or work or property or (and I still can't believe how close I might be) children. How am I nineteen years old? How am I an adult?

3 June 1615

I figured in fabric and we'll barely squeak by with that counted in. It's a relief, but still I worry something might happen at the last moment to change it. I just hope we don't end up with nothing, after all this stress and all this worry.

6 June 1615

Neolla came home today! She was still dressed up as a man and she told us that she couldn't risk being seen as herself in public anymore if she was going to be setting up a practice. She's just going to go for it, basically, because we do need a lawyer around here. Our most "respectable" resident is probably the minister, by traditional standards of respectability.

She and Mariek were over this afternoon, and so were Simonn and Andrew, and they didn't stay for supper, but Dolora made us all tea and there was something very comforting about being home with all my friends and my family. I'll miss this home when I live at my house with Sigmun. But I do think we can make my house feel like home. Not being alone all the time will be a good start.

15 June 1615

I feel bad I've been so inconsistent with my writing, but it's not as if I'm hurting anyone but myself by not parsing apart my feelings on paper.

It absolutely terrifies me that someday, when I'm long gone, someone could find this journal and read it. It makes me feel rather sick, in fact. I mean, I'm not sure I'd even let Sigmun or Simonn or Dolora read this, and I'd trust them with my life. On the other hand, I'd just die of humiliation if Sigmun ever read half of the things I've written about him here. And Dolora might as well be my mother! And I'm sure Simonn would never stop teasing me.

I'm writing today only because work was very stressful and writing always makes me feel better. Johanna's just so irritating and Pamela was bothering me because I misaligned one button and Jane simply wouldn't shut up and I'm actually a little worried about Susan because she just sits there, quiet as a mouse, and she's been talking even less recently. And David! He used to flirt with Johanna and sometimes Jane and they mostly brush him off, but today he sat next to me where Susan usually sits and he sat far too close and asked me if I'd go for a drink with him.

"No thanks."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to go for a drink with you."

"Come on, don't you think I'm handsome?"

"I don't drink."

"You're such a prude."

"I don't want to go for a drink with you! I don't drink, and I'm engaged!"

"Fine, jeez," he muttered darkly, slinking off to sit on his usual bench. Susan sat next to me then, which was kind of her.

18 June 1615

Today was Simonn's birthday. He was working, of course, but he came by when it was late and almost dark out (I stayed the night last night). He looked so tired from work and everything (he only gets Sundays off in the summer), but Dolora insisted he stay for tea before going home. She also made him baked apples (I was doing accounting for the house, figuring in that some of the fabric are more expensive now and I plan on helping pay for Christmas this year) and I gave him a case for his eyeglasses. Simonn got him this thing he found in the market called a Newton's cradle. It's something to do with conservation of energy, but it made Simonn happy. And Simonn just stayed for apples and tea and then he left with this big, goofy smile on his face. It's so nice seeing Simonn happy, especially when he's so worried.

25 June 1615

Sigmun got me flowers today and I wasn't really expecting it, so I asked him why.

"Because it's a nice thing to do?"

"Well, I suppose, but…"

"I just wanted to get you flowers. And I thought these were pretty. Almost as pretty as you are."

"Now you're just flattering me."

He grinned. "It's true."

"Thank you very much, love."

"You're welcome, darling."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The flowers really are beautiful in my drab house. Since I sold all the heirlooms and there aren't any books to liven up the place, especially with my mother's room the way it is now, the house has been feeling rather dull. The flowers are a really lovely touch.

3 July 1615

There was a new girl at work today. She was a bit tall, and she had this lovely dark hair all the way down to her waist. Her name's Henrietta Topham, but she said she preferred Etta. The name suits her, I think. She's doing dresses. Apparently two other workers left about a year ago and they've been looking for someone to do the buttonholes and the dresses since. (All the others have their own specialties. Johanna does linens, so she only really does hems.)

She sat next to me while we worked and she seemed very kind, and certainly very clever. She's clearly read about literature, and I think history and natural science too. I ought to invite her over sometime, though I suppose to Sigmun and Dolora's instead of my oddly cold and depressingly empty house. She's new to our village and newcomers don't always feel like they fit in here, from what I've heard, so I'd like to at least try to be her friend.

11 July 1615

Wedding plans. The simple fact that I have to make wedding plans makes me a little giddy. I found a dress pattern today that I like and I think I might add some embroidery and a few embellishments (it's my wedding dress!). I think the blue fabric they sell in town, the light cotton with the matching thread, would be the best. It would most certainly be the prettiest! But I think I'll talk to Dolora. I trust she'll know a bit more about different fabrics than I do.

It seems to me that it might take a while to get the minister to marry us. Of course, we could just do a handfasting and that's the legal issue taken care of, but everyone gets married at church and I think I'd rather do that. I may not be all the religious, but I want to be married in the church. I also don't entirely believe that people would trust we were married and they might treat our children poorly, the way they sometimes treat Sigmun. I wish I didn't have to worry about that, but I know I do.

14 July 1615

Today was Sigmun's birthday. It's so strange that we're all turning twenty. (Except Dolora's turning thirty-five.) It's just so strange.

Simonn couldn't come, but Hannah popped by for a few minutes. Dolora made a nice supper and I gave him a book of poetry he's actually never read (not yet anyways). Dolora even made cookies, and they were delicious.

It's strange how much older he looks. I remember being fifteen and how we all still had round cheeks and big eyes and proportions like someone measured once and cut twice (the second time to fix mistakes). Now we all look like adults. Sigmun's taller, to be certain, and though he's not shaped at all like I am (out of the context of our respective sexes, I suppose), he's certainly not skinny like Simonn. And there's something in his face that looks much older, besides having somewhat of a beard. It's the same with Simonn. He was skinny enough, but now his cheekbones are sharper than ever and his face makes him look like an adult. I even noticed myself in the mirror, and my face isn't as round as it was, and my arms and fingers are longer than they ever were when I was a child. It's strange.

Dolora looks mostly the same, except with I think a few more wrinkles. But then, something about Dolora strikes me as timeless, ageless almost. I think if she were born when Rome was young or if she was born two thousand years in the future, she'd be just the same as she is today.

18 July 1615

Sigmun asked such a strange question today while we were sitting by the river.

"How come it's Leijon?"

"How come what is Leijon?"

"Well, you're Leijon, not Sailor. Why isn't it Sailor?"

"I changed it when I was eight."

"Why? I don't mean to intrude, but I'm curious."

I sighed and looked up at the sky. I don't like thinking about my name.

"I changed it the first night she got drunk."

He didn't say anything.

"She got drunk and she hit me and said I was the worst daughter anyone ever had the misfortune to raise and then she hit me again and I was just seven, you can imagine how scared I was. And I don't know, I just didn't want to be Dianna Sailor anymore and I already knew that I wasn't related to her by blood, I knew that my whole life…So I just decided I wasn't going to be Dianna Sailor, like my father who left us behind, I was going to be Dianna Leijon, like the lady in the castle…I felt powerful, carrying a royal name against my mother. Even back then, I knew it was me against her…It doesn't even make sense now. But I said it different, even way back then, before I knew about everything that goes on it that castle. You know, I like Vantas better."

"You'd be the first."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's Vantas, like my birth mother. Not Maryam, like Mama."

"You could change it."

"Not really. I know it doesn't make any sense, there's just something about Vantas that sounds right, even though I don't like it. I wouldn't feel like myself with a different name."

"Alright."

"I always wondered why Mama never changed her name after everything with her family."

"Probably the same reason you didn't change yours and I did change mine."

"Probably."

How strange names are.

23 July 1615

Etta came by Dolora and Sigmun's with me after work today. Dolora made tea, of course, and Sigmun was quite chatty like he can be, and Etta was impressed by the books. She likes to read, apparently, and her mother taught her, but she said she doesn't get much of a chance anymore because of work and supporting herself. Dolora said she could borrow some, as long as she was careful with them.

It was a nice visit and I stayed with Sigmun and Dolora for dinner. Sigmun and I talked about when we'd get married and I said I'd like to be sure I can keep my house first. So we decided on early June. It's a long time, but I think security is important. Anyways, most men don't marry until they're at least twenty-one. Waiting a few more months won't do any harm.

31 July 1615

I was thinking today about children. It's unavoidable to have children once you're married, of course, but it worries me still. How can I raise a child? I trust that I know how not to raise a child, but I'm not like Dolora. I don't know how to raise a child! Will I send them to school? Would Sigmun or I stay home after the baby's been weaned? Or would Dolora? What about when they get older and want to get jobs, or get married, or have children of their own? What if the baby gets sick? I know how likely it is that they would die and that's absolutely terrifying. I don't want my baby to die. I'm so scared sometimes of having children, because I know it's dangerous. But at the same time, I want children so much. Does that make any sense?

Either way, I know I'll love my children. I won't let them grow up feeling so unloved like I was.

A/N: I don't want to ask for reviews, but I really want to know how I'm doing! Any feedback is appreciated, constructive criticism especially.