This chapter's a little angsty... Okay, and a little fluffy. Sorry, couldn't help it. Just deal, you'll get through it :)
As always, feedback is very welcome. Hint, hint...
Can We Keep a Secret?
Haley's arms were folded tightly against her chest as she quickly walked past Lucas into his mother's office. He closed the door behind them and leaned against it for a moment, his eyes on his girlfriend's back as she stared out of the window. They were at TRIC, probably the only place they could speak privately without being overheard or walked in on and they were completely alone...but Haley hadn't said a word to him since they'd gotten into his truck and he'd waited, giving her the time that she so desperately seemed to need. But now he wanted to hear her voice. He wanted her to talk to him, to say anything as long as it was to him. He walked over to her and tried to put his arms around her but she pulled away and walked to the opposite side of the room, as far from him as she could get. She sat on the couch and ran her hands through her hair.
"Haley." Lucas said softly standing far away from her, giving her the space she needed despite his intense desire to hold her. "What are you thinking?" he asked. "I want to know what you're thinking. Tell me, baby, I want to make it better."
Haley didn't answer him. She stared at the floor, her eyes full, biting her bottom lip so hard, it was a vivid pink against her pale face. He walked over to her and knelt in front of her, not touching her but staring into her eyes even when she tried to look away. "Haley--"
"You don't want to know, Lucas." she said slowly shaking her head. "You really don't want to know what I'm thinking. Hell, I don't even want to know what I'm thinking!"
Lucas reached for her cheek stopping himself as she flinched away. "I do want to know Haley. " he said quietly. "I want to know what's on your mind. I hate that you're hurting, that I hurt you!" He reached for her hand and this time, she didn't pull away. "Let me in, Hales. Let me make it better."
She stared at him for a moment, before taking a deep breath. "You want to make it better?" she asked bitterly. "You want to know what I'm thinking? I'm wondering if you slept with her Lucas!" She stared at him." Did you sleep with her?" she asked abruptly, her heart in her throat. "Did you and Brooke have sex?"
"No!" Lucas said quickly shaking his head. "We didn't Haley. I didn't! I would never do that to you. I would never do that to us!"
Haley looked into his eyes,searching them. As they unflinchingly met hers, sincerity shining from them, she broke suddenly and tears fell down her face. He reached for her but she pulled away from him and covered her face with her hands. He watched her, feeling helpless and angry at himself as sobs rocked her body. He had caused her this pain and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing she would let him do. He tried to take her hand but she pulled it from him and stared at him through her tears.
"What did you do Lucas? Did you...did you kiss her?" she asked hesitantly. "Did you kiss Brooke?" She stared into his eyes and he saw the hope there, the expectation. And for an instant, everything inside of him screamed at him to lie. To tell her no and then hold her and kiss her and tell her how much he loved her and show her... For an instant, he thought about ending the pain that his girlfriend was feeling, with one lie. But instead he told her the truth.
"Yes." he whispered. "I kissed her. I kissed Brooke, Haley. But it was nothing. It was nothing."
Haley slowly closed her eyes as hurt and disappointment overwhelmed her. She covered her face as the tears continued to fall, but images of Lucas and Brooke holding each other and kissing rose to her mind, clouding her thoughts until she felt sick.
"Why did you do it Lucas?" she cried."Was it to get back at me? For Nathan kissing me the other night? Did you want me to feel as much pain as you did? Because you went way beyond what you set out to do, believe me! I'm hurting Luke! Congratulations,I feel like shit! And as an added bonus, I feel sick to my stomach--I have to get out of here..." Haley stood abruptly. She had to leave. She had to get away from him. She stood and walked towards the door but Lucas grabbed her hand, stopping her.
"Let go!" she yelled. "Let me go, Lucas--"
"Haley, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, okay? That kiss had nothing to do with you kissing Nathan, I swear---"
"Nathan kissed me! He kissed me, okay! And what he did was innocent. What I saw in that bedroom was many things but innocent was not even close to what that was!"
Lucas closed his eyes. "Haley, it was not what it looked like. I don't know what that...what you saw was but I didn't want any of it to happen. I'm not even sure what happened---"
"You don't know what that was!" she cried."Liar! You are such a liar! Did your shirt just remove itself! Stop lying to me Lucas. Just tell me the truth... " she sobbed. She tried to pull away but he grabbed her other hand pulling them to his chest as she hit at him angrily.
Lucas eyes were full as he tried to look into her eyes. "That is the truth Haley! There's no excuse for what I did but that's the truth! I don't know why I did it or what I was thinking. I only want to be with you! All I can say is that it was a mistake! I love you okay! Please don't go, Hales please..."
Haley wrestled against him but he was so much stronger and he held both her wrists immobile in his hands. She looked into his eyes as the hurt suddenly won out against her anger. "I'm not enough for you, Lucas." she whispered brokenly. "I'm not enough to make you want me and only me."
Lucas was shaking his head. "That's not true Haley. That's not true--"
"Then why did you kiss her?" she whispered. She had stopped fighting him and his grasp on her wrists loosened but she stood looking into his eyes, wondering, the ache in her chest spreading to her heart. "Why were you both half-dressed and why did you let her touch you? If I'm enough, why were you holding her, Luke?"
"I don't know, Haley!" he said desperately. "One moment we were talking and then she was kissing me and pulling off my shirt--it...it happened and there is no excuse for it but I pulled away Haley! I stopped it! I ended it because I don't love her. I love you!"
Haley was shaking her head. "Maybe you do..." she said softly. "Maybe you do love me. But I'm not enough. I can't be if we could have a night like last night and you could turn around the next day and---" She closed her eyes as the image of Brooke and Lucas together, filled her thoughts. " I guess I just don't make you feel like she does. I can't."
"Haley, no one makes me feel like you do!" Lucas said intently, his hands on her cheeks. "You make me feel so much more! I have never felt this way about anyone! Only you, Haley! Please forgive me, baby. Please..."
She closed her eyes and shook her head again but she didn't pull away and Lucas caressed her cheeks gently.
"What I had with Brooke was a moment Haley." he said softly. "What I have with you, is forever."
His eyes were wide with sincerity and love and she opened her eyes slowly and looked into his own. "I'm sorry for what I did and I will never, never do that again. I love you. And I need you in my life. I want you in my life Haley. I want you."
Haley closed her eyes but she didn't pull away from him. And as his arms slid around her, she let him hold her as the tears came, streaming down her face, wetting his shirt. His heart beat against hers as she stood stiffly at first but then his hair brushed her cheek, and her emotions took over causing her to slowly lay her head on his shoulder. Lucas closed his eyes as her hands slid around him and they held each other tightly for a long time.
"I love you." she finally whispered, her voice breaking as she said the words. "And I...I forgive you for kissing Brooke. But maybe...maybe this is just what's inevitable. Maybe you aren't ready to just be with me...Maybe--"
Lucas pulled away from her and stared into her eyes. "Haley, what are you saying?" he asked incredulously.
Haley took a deep breath. "I'm saying that maybe I'm not enough for you, Lucas. Sexually. Maybe you need to be with someone else. Someone...someone more experienced and--inventive...and sexy.Someone like--"
She was cut off as Lucas suddenly kissed her. His lips covered hers, enveloping them as they moved against hers passionately and she slowly slid her arms up his chest as he pulled her closer to him. Holding her against his heart...
"Lucas..." she said breathlessly against his mouth as he lifted her up and walked to the couch, laying her down gently. He lowered himself beside her and kissed her jawline as she slowly opened her eyes and looked at him.
"Lucas." she whispered again, her eyes searching his own. "What are you doing--"
He held her cheek in his hand. "Do you know how beautiful you are Haley? " he asked softly. "How completely amazing? Even when we were kids, when I was too stupid or blind to realize what was growing up beside me, even then I knew you were something special. Something unique and rare. Something...beautiful."
Haley stared at Lucas, enraptured as he slowly began to unbutton her blouse. "It stayed with me Haley." he whispered."Even when I found out that you had married Nathan, I remembered thinking how lucky he was that you loved him. How lucky he was that you chose him."
Haley's eyes widened slightly and he nodded, slowly pushing her shirt from her shoulders. He pulled it off of her and dropped it on the floor. Haley's breath quickened as he slid a finger down her stomach and stopped at her belt before he slowly undid the buckle.
"I never thought that I'd ever find anyone as special as you Haley." he said softly kissing her neck. "But I did. I found one of the most special people I've ever met." he looked into her eyes. "We found each other."
She stared up at him wordless as he pulled off her belt and slowly unzipped her jeans.She trembled slightly as he slowly leaned towards her, his eyes locked with hers before kissing her cheeks, and her chin and her forehead.
"You are it for me, Haley James. " he said against her collarbone. "That's how I know that everything with Brooke was a mistake, a fluke. Because everything with you...is real." He kissed her shoulder. "And I don't want anyone else, and I don't want a break or anything else like it. I want you. I always want you."
He kissed her slowly, passionately etching his words on her lips and Haley felt her eyes fill with tears as he held her closer to him. Despite what had happened, she felt his sincerity and she felt his passion for her. But most of all, she felt his love. He wasn't lying to her. Lucas loved her. And that's all that mattered.
Haley felt a warmth inside her build as his kisses intensified and she turned in his arms. He was kissing her everywhere as if he couldn't get enough of her and she suddenly knew that he only felt that way about her. Brooke could walk in naked at that very moment and he'd only see her and that thought filled her with a desperate relief that made her lose her breath for a moment but it quickly returned as Lucas' shirt followed her own to the floor. He pushed her jeans down and she quickly pulled at his as their kisses grew heated, their bodies hot against each other. She wanted to be as close to him as possible and she could feel his desperation to be near her too. In moments, they were naked and she looked up into his eyes as he paused and stared down at her, taking her in all at once, looking at every part of her. She felt no embarassment or shyness with him, only passion and love and she smiled up at him as he ran his hand through her hair.
"Beautiful..." he whispered. She smiled and he slowly lowered his head and kissed her softly, her legs sliding over his, entangling them together. They wove their fingers together as he slowly pressed into her and she arched against him and held him tightly to her as he kissed her temple.
"No one can make me feel like this Haley. " he whispered to her. "No one but you."
They moved together gently at first, tender as they kissed and whispered to one another but as passion overtook them, they clung to one another moving faster and faster their bodies sliding together, silent and soft. Even when their impassioned movements caused them to fall to the floor, they continued to make love, moving from the floor, to the love seat and then the wall where they held each other up as their heat engulfed them in its intensity. He kissed every part of her, pausing at her breasts to lick each rose-colored tip, causing her to moan his name over and over again.She reached for him and he held her against him as she touched him intimately, caressing him faster and faster until he gasped her name, his voice loud in the empty room.
He pulled her on top of him and she straddled him as he sat up and pressed her closer to him, their bodies moving together in heated unison. He pressed into her again and again, whispering her name as she moved even closer to him, sliding against him, enveloping him over and over again...until they could barely move. Finally they fell to the couch, their breathing quick and hot against each other as they tried to catch their breath. He held her while her breathing slowed and she listened to his heart beat slowly beneath her ear as she drew closer to him. He pulled the wool couch cover over them and she lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest as he smiled softly at her. She kissed his chest and stretched against him, a movement she knew enticed him when she felt his body react right away.
"Down boy." she giggled." I can barely move."
Lucas smiled teasingly and caressed her back before gently turning her in his arms so that they were lying face to face, their eyes locked in wordless bliss. "That's alright. You don't have to move. What I want to do to you requires very little movement on your part." he said softly.
Haley grinned lazily. "Really..." she said leaning closer to him until their lips touched."And what may I ask is that?"
He smiled mysteriously and she lay back as he slowly began to kiss her in a way that he never had before. His kissed her softly but with a passion that left her breathless with its intensity. His tongue pressed against hers softly and she felt her heartbeat increase with every move of lips and every touch of his hands on her face. He made love to her with that kiss in a way that left her breathless and made her eyes shine. When he slowly pulled away, she stared at him speechless for a moment as a couple of tears slid down her cheeks.
"That was...amazing." she whispered as he slowly wiped them away.
"You're amazing, Haley." He whispered. " I never want you to doubt how I feel for you ever. Seeing you so hurt... hurt me and I never want to see that look in your eyes again. I promise that I will never hurt you like that again, Haley. I will never break your heart." He held her cheeks in his hands. "I love you. I love you more than anything and that will never change. Never."
Haley smiled through the tears streaming down her face. She kissed him softly letting her mouth speak in a way that she couldn't say with words and he smiled against her lips.
"I love you too, Lucas." she whispered. She snuggled closer to him and he held her tightly, his face in her hair. They lay like that for a long time watching the sky darken in the window across from them. As it grew darker, Haley sighed against his chest.
"I love this. I wish we could stay like this forever." she whispered suddenly. "Just you and me, hidden away from everyone. From the whole world."
Lucas smiled softly. "Me too." he said. "Unfortunately, the real world is probably up and waiting for us to get home." She looked at him and he brushed her bangs from her forehead,his eyes suddenly serious and dark as he gazed at her. "I'm going to tell Brooke, Haley. I'm going to tell her tonight."
Haley looked away from him and he turned her chin so that he could look into her eyes. "It's time, Hales." he whispered. "It's past time. I'm tired of lying about our real feelings, about how much we mean to each other. I'm tired of lying about what we really are. And I can't stand lying to Brooke anymore. She has to know and I have to tell her--"
"I know..." Haley said slowly. "You're right. Brooke needs to know. It's just that..." she stopped and Lucas looked at her.
"It's just what? What is it, Haley?"
She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "It's Nathan."
Lucas frowned. "What does Nathan have to do with any of this?" he asked.
Haley slowly sat up, pulling the cover to her and Lucas sat up with her, his brow furrowed.
Haley took another deep breath. "Nathan and I are finally friends Lucas." she said breathlessly. "He's finally forgiven me and he's let go of so much of the bitterness that I made him feel. But finding out about us... Now? It would break his heart. I would break his heart again."
Lucas looked away. "I'm sure it would break his heart." he said quietly. But it was the way he said it that caught Haley's attention.
"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked sharply.
Lucas looked at her. "Haley, Nathan's heart would be broken but not because we've kept this a secret. He'll be hurt because he hasn't gotten over you. He's still in love with you and he wants you back."
Haley's mouth fell open. "Lucas you can't be serious! Just weeks ago, Nathan could barely look at me! He is so not in love with me---"
Lucas took a deep breath. "Haley, it's true. Brooke told me--"
Haley balked. "Brooke! What the hell does she know about this---"
Lucas closed his eyes. Of all the times to say Brooke's name..."Brooke doesn't have anything to do with this. But her and Nathan are friends, Haley. And she told me yesterday that Nathan told her he wants you back. He thinks that he made a mistake and he wants to work things out with you--"
"Yes! He wants to be friends again Luke, that's it. Just friends. Brooke was way off base with the little theory she just happened to share with you. She needs to keep her lies to herself!"
Lucas frowned. "Haley, Brooke wasn't lying. Nathan told her this! He told her that he wants you back!"
Haley was shaking her head adamantly. "I don't care what Brooke said Luke! Nathan told me that he wants to be my friend again and it's finally happening. Today he really opened up to me Luke, he really did! Like he never has before. We even talked about you--"
Lucas shook his head. "Haley, Nathan has no intention of ever making things right with me. He's probably only telling you what you want to hear so that you won't see the truth about how he really feels!"
Haley's mouth fell open. She dropped the cover and started to get dressed, her movements fast and angry. "Lucas I am not some naive little girl with stars in her eyes okay! I'm fully aware of what is reality and what is fantasy and Nathan's feelings for me are as real as they get. He doesn't have any! He wants to my friend and I really want that too.The question is why don't you want this?"
"Haley..." Lucas said softly as she quickly pulled on her shirt. She didn't stop and he gently reached for her arms, stopping her angry movements with his touch. He looked deeply into her eyes. "I don't want to fight with you Hales." he said calmly. "I know you care about Nathan and I understand why you want to be his friend. But I also know that what Brooke told me was not that far from the truth."
Haley tilted her head with frustration. "How can you know that Lucas? Is Brooke's word worth so much more than Nathan's?"
Lucas shook his head. "No, but my eyesight is. I saw the way that Nathan looked at you today Haley." She started to shake her head but he looked into her eyes steadily. "Nathan still has strong feelings for you. Feelings that go beyond friendship, and I know that it'll hurt him to find out about us, but we can't keep making our decisions based on other people's feelings Haley. We can't keep on hiding what we really feel. Look what it almost did to us today!"
Haley stared at him wordlessly. Part of her knew that he was right. They couldn't keep on hiding their feelings from everyone. It was hurting them too much and in the end, it would only hurt the people that they cared about more the longer they kept it a secret. But another part of her was remembering Nathan's eyes that afternoon when he'd finally opened up to her again. The guarded look has finally disappeared and he had smile at her in a way that he hadn't in a long time. It had fixed the final piece of her heart that had been broken when she'd left him what seemed so long ago, the part that he'd had. She didn't want to lose that part of herself again. She didn't want to lose Nathan. And she was sure that his feelings for her were the same as hers were for him. He wasn't in love with her, he couldn't be after what she'd done to him. Brooke and Lucas were mistaking his new trust for her as love, she was sure of it. She didn't want his trust to disappear again and she was sure it wouldn't. But only if they could give Nathan some time to get used to the idea of having both her and Lucas in his life again as his friends...before they told him they were more than friends.So much more...
Lucas was watching her, his blue eyes searching her face and she slid her hand into his, her eyes locked with his own.
"Lucas," she said slowly. "I can't wait to tell everyone about us. I can't wait to be able to walk down the street and hold your hand and kiss you and have everyone see us and not care because we belong to each other and no one else." She smiled softly and linked her fingers with his and he grinned and kissed her hand. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." she whispered. "Even Nathan. And he was my husband but I never loved him like I should have. I never felt even a little of what I feel right now, for him. That was at least part of the reason I left him, part of why it wasn't impossible to go. And that's why we can't tell anyone about us yet Lucas.That's why we have to hold on to this secret for a little while longer."
Lucas smile faded into an expressionless mask and Haley felt an ache begin in her chest but she continued. "I owe Nathan so much Luke!" she said emotionally. "I never gave him back even half of the love he gave me and I hurt him so deeply." Lucas looked away and she moved her head so that their eyes were locked together. "That's why I have to make sure that he knows that I care about him before we tell him. Not just for him, but for us. For you and me, I have to make sure that we are all friends again before he finds out the truth. I have to make sure that he'll be okay...before I can be completely happy." He wouldn't look at her and she knelt at his side so she could look into his eyes." Do you understand, Lucas?" she asked.
He was silent for a moment before he finally looked at her. "No." he said quietly." I don't understand Haley. I don't understand why how Nathan feels is so much more important than us being happy, or why Brooke's feelings matter more than ours. I don't understand and I don't think I ever will." He stood and started to pull on his clothes and Haley watched him silently before standing to her feet.
"Lucas, it's not more important." she said in frustration, her words breaking against the lump in her throat. "You are more important to me than anything. That's why I think you need a relationship with your brother. Don't you see that you won't have one if we go home and tell Brooke now!"
"I don't care, Haley!" Lucas cried turning to face her. He lowered his voice and held her cheeks in his hands. "I don't care anymore. Right now, all I want is to be able to hug you in the morning without feeling like I'm doing something wrong,or hold you on the couch while we watch a movie or at night while you sleep! I want to be your boyfriend." he said simply, his arms splayed at his sides. " But sometimes it seems like that will never happen. And it won't if we keep on keeping this damn secret from everyone Haley. How long do you want this to go on?"
He pulled on his t-shirt abruptly and Haley watched him silently, aware of his anger, understanding it and hating it at the same time.
"Baby..." she whispered to him,touching his rigid back as he stared out the window."I know it's hard. It's hell for me too! But can we just try a little longer? For one more week, Lucas. Just one more..." She lay her head on his back and held him to her, hating that she was causing him to be upset, knowing she had to. "After this week, we can tell everyone. We can even yell it from the rooftops. Or maybe just post it online,that would be less life-threatening..." she said laughing a little, hoping to make him smile. Lucas didn't say a word and she exhaled quietly." I think that Brooke will finally be able to deal with it now but Nathan...I just need to make sure that Nathan is okay first. With both of us." She slid her arms around his waist and waited. "Can you do that? For us? Can you give me more time to make things right?"
Lucas's body relaxed in her arms but he didn't turn around and she slid under his arm, her arms still around him as she faced him. He was frowning slightly, his eyes on the growing dusk outside the window, his beautiful face as still as a statue and she turned her head and lay on his chest, her ear over his heartbeat. They stood like that for a while, neither of them moving or speaking. But then Lucas's arms slid around her waist and she looked up at him.He looked down at her a tiny frown furrowing the space between his eyes and her arms tightened around him.
"I want you to know that if you really want to tell Brooke tonight, I will." she said softly. "How you feel is so much more important than anything else.Please don't doubt that." She closed her eyes briefly. "But I really want Nathan in our lives Lucas. And I don't think that will happen if he finds out before we're all friends again. It won't."
Lucas took a deep breath. "I hate this." he said finally, exhaling loudly. "I really do. But I'll make myself do this. For you. For one more week."
Haley closed her eyes and leaned her head against his chest."Thank you.Thank you Lucas." she whispered. He let her go and turned away but she grabbed him and kissed him softly, only pulling away to look into his eyes. "I love you." she said meaningfully. Lucas nodded slowly a faint smile on his lips and Haley felt the ache in her chest grow even wider. She tilted her head. "Baby, I don't want to do this if it bothers you so much. I don't want you to be upset." she said brokenly.
"And I don't want to break your heart." he said quietly. "I want your heart completely intact and loving me when all this is over, and I know that a part of it will always be with Nathan if we tell Brooke tonight." He paused and touched her cheek briefly before dropping his hand. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "So I'll wait for a week. One week and then we'll tell them both. Together."
Haley smiled slowly and reached for him and he put his arms around her waist and lowered his head until their foreheads touched.
"See how much I love you?" he said, chuckling halfheartedly.
Haley nodded smiling softly. "Yes...but I still love you more." she whispered. As their lips touched, every other thought disappeared and it was only them in the world.
The way they wanted it to be.