Chapter 25: No forgiveness

The sentences in italics are quotes from Mockingjay.

We don't talk much on the hovercraft. Gale is coming, too – he just muttered something about having to see District 12 when we met him in the hangar. I was surprised to see him, but it's probably just another sign of how important he is to the resistance. With his dark, good looks, his charm, his past as a rebel leader and his heroic actions when District 12 was bombed, I wouldn't be surprised if he's being groomed to be some kind of Mockingjay 2.

There's a camera team coming with us. I made a huge scene when I found out they were coming, but it didn't get me anywhere. The captain told me I could choose between going with the camera team, and not going at all. So I had to give in, and allow myself to be filmed.

They dressed us up in suspiciously nice clothes before we left – the washed-out, gray District 13 attire were left in the hangar. Now we look like we're actually from District 12, although more well-dressed than the majority of the population were - before the bombing. I'm dressed all in black - in black jeans, even with room for my belly, a black turtleneck and a leather jacket. The clothes are hugging every curve of my body, they must have been tailored, and I know it's not a coincidence. They want to show off my pregnancy. A stylist I've never seen before even braided my hair and did my discreet make-up. She doesn't say anything to me, and I find myself missing my prep team.

I swallow hard. I wonder where they are. If they are even alive.

Peeta is dressed in District 12 civilian clothes, too. Gale, however, is dressed in what can only be a District 13 uniform – but it's clearly been tailored to fit his body, unlike most of the other uniforms I've seen in District 13 so far. That's surely not a coincidence, either. I look at him out of the corner of my eye, and I think to myself that if Coin wants to target any female older than 12 in Panem, she's certainly found the perfect way to do so.

The baby is awake. I've started thinking about it as the baby now, not just "it". After it started kicking – a lot – it gradually started to seem wrong to just think of it as a thing. I absentmindedly put a hand on my belly, just where the baby is kicking, as I'm looking out of the window. Under me, I see the forest, seemingly never ending. It's all that separates District 13 from what used to be Twelve. We're flying low, to try to avoid the Capitol radar, even though we're flying in stealth mode.

And then, for the first time, I feel it – I feel the movements against my hand. Without thinking, I reach out for Peeta's hand, and place it where mine used to be. He looks at me, confused, but then he looks down at his hand in wonder. "Is that…?"

I nod.

"Wow. That's…" He smiles, the biggest and most genuine smile I've seen in ages, and it's impossible not to smile back when he's this enthusiastic. I notice Gale looking at us, and I wonder what he's thinking. He looks stern, distant. Not that I can blame him, really, considering where we are going – and why.

Peeta's hand stays on my belly for the rest of the trip, even though the baby falls asleep after just a few minutes and doesn't kick anymore.

I had expected it to be hard, but I hadn't thought it would be this hard. We're getting very clear orders – if the early warning system alerts us of an imminent Capitol attack, which means they know we are here, we are to leave immediately. No questions asked, no hesitation. I'm not used to following orders, and I'm certainly not very good at it, but I promise I'll do as I'm instructed.

The hovercraft lets us down on the field where we left District 12, just a few days ago.

The Victors' Village is gone. Our houses are burned to the ground, the only things left standing are the chimneys. I had been hoping there could be something to salvage – perhaps some of the few things we had left after my dad. My mockingjay pin. Pictures, even.

As I stand there, looking at the ruins of what used to be our house, and knowing Prim and mother's house is the same, I realize everything is gone. The only images I will have of my father, for the rest of my life, will be the ones in my head.

They will have to be enough.

The stench from the smoke is making me feel nauseous again, but I fight it back. I need to see, I need to understand.

But after all, they were only houses. Only five persons lived here – and we are all safe in District 13. Still alive. What we have lost are only things, only memories.

Going to the Seam, and finally, to town, will be the main test. We go to the Seam first. His voice low, with a barely restrained anger, Gale tells us – and the camera – of what happened that night. How dark it was. About the rain. About the electricity that suddenly went out. Before, this was something that happened all the time, he wouldn't have thought twice about it. But lately, District 12 had had electricity 24 hours a day. Everyone knew it was because of the fence – the electric circuits were old, from just after the Great War that preceded the Hunger Games. They couldn't turn off the electricity of the fence without turning off electricity to the rest of District 12. The only exception was the mines, which were always provided with power, even when Panem needed to save energy and directed the power elsewhere. To more important districts than lowly, forgotten Twelve.

But lately, District 12 had become one of the most important districts, and everyone knew it was because of me. The Mockingjay.

So when the power went out, Gale knew that something was wrong. Very wrong. He managed to get his family and some of the closest neighbors, as well as some people who just happened to be passing by in the dark, to follow him. Listening to him talk, I understand how he managed to convince them to go with him. The dark, convincing passion in his voice, the intensity of his eyes.

"And then we heard the hovercrafts," he says, his voice very low now. "We ran towards the trees, I thought we needed to get away from the houses, where we would be trapped. That the Seam and the town would be the primary targets, no one would bother to destroy a forest." He pauses, it's obvious it's hard for him to continue. "And then, we saw them come in. We saw just the lights. There weren't that many, only six or seven in formation. The first wave of attacks, we hardly understood what was happening. We heard something falling through the air, just… Some kind of faint whistling. The hovercrafts disappeared. It was pitch black. And then…"

We have reached the Seam. On the road in front of us, we see the first body. Gale sinks down on his knees in front of it.

It's a woman. She must have tried to run away from the inferno, but she was caught by the flames in the end after all. Her lower body is destroyed by the flames, but her upper body hasn't been injured that badly. She's lying on her belly, with one hand stretched out in front of her. The skin of her hand, untouched by fire, is rough, calloused, the nails broken. She has the hand that every Seam woman has – marked by years of hard work and doing laundry by hand in the ice cold creek. A tear rolls down his cheek as he whispers: "Anna!" and I realize that he knew her. He knew this woman. I want to close my eyes, to shut this image out forever, but I realize that I know her, too. I've traded some squirrels for candles with her in the Hob, long ago.

"… then the fire bombs exploded," he continues, his voice more steady now as he looks into the clouded eyes of Anna, the hard-working mother of three hungry children. Peeta sits down next to him, and he surprises me by reaching out a hand and closing her eyes, very gently.

"The Seam caught fire," Gale says. "Everything was infused with coal dust. One bomb would've been enough, really, but then more people would've had the chance to escape, and they didn't want that. It was a gigantic ball of fire, taller than a tree, raging. We heard the screams, of the people who didn't escape, who had nowhere to go." He's staring at the body in front of him, and I know what he's thinking – that her screams were among the ones he heard.

"Then the hovercrafts came in for a second round of attack, just a few minutes later. At first we thought they were after us, that we were going to die. But then they passed us, and we realized that they were headed for the town." Peeta makes a strange, strangled sound when Gale says this, and it's not hard to understand the reason. This is the story of how his family was killed. "The same thing happened again, only this time we could see the planes better, because everything was lit up by the flames from the Seam. The planes dropped the bombs – and then they left. The town didn't burn as quickly as the Seam did, but I think they dropped more bombs to compensate. The attack was meticulously planned. The wall of fire grew, and I thought, what if they come back? There was nowhere to go, nowhere we could be safe. Then I remembered that the electricity of the fence was probably still off. The last thing we saw before we ventured into the woods, was the tower of the Hall of Justice. It was hovering above the flames, it was as if it was flying. Then, suddenly, it fell, into the inferno below. With a cloud of sparks, it disappeared."

We walk towards the Seam, and as we do, there are more bodies scattered on the ground. Many are unrecognizable, destroyed by the flames, but some we can identify, like Anna. I recognize Emre, a boy who was in my class. He must have started working in the mines only recently. He lies next to a baby, and I realize it is probably his. I didn't even know he was married. He tried to save his child, and he failed. Peeta sees me struggle as we pass them, and he takes my hand, his warm fingers closing around mine. Our breaths are white in the cold October air. I've long since forgotten about the cameras.

The Seam is in ruins. All the houses were built of wood, the cheapest material available in District 12, and together with the coal dust, it was a death trap. I can just barely make out where the narrow streets used to be. I find the house where we lived before we moved to the Victors' Village. There is nothing left but a smoking ruin. A charred body lies just outside the house, and I wonder who lived here after we moved.

Then we go to the town. Where the Seam was the biggest hurdle for Gale and me, I know this is what will feature in Peeta's nightmares tonight. The town isn't as badly injured as the Seam, as more houses here were made of bricks. They are completely burned out, but it's easier to make out the individual houses, where the walls used to be. I don't think any of us had made any plans of where to go first, but automatically, our feet seem to carry us to one location: The Mellark bakery.

As we stop outside what used to be the bakery, I'm not at all surprised to see that tears are streaming down Peeta's cheeks. "Please, don't let there be any visible bodies," I think. "Please, don't let him see them." I'm intensely relieved to see, through my own veil of tears, that there aren't any bodies in the immediate vicinity of the house, unlike many other houses. Then I remember that the bombing occurred at night. Peeta's family were bakers. They rose early, and went early to bed. They most likely died in their beds, their bodies hidden underneath the rubble that used to be their house. Peeta wants to go closer, but I stop him. "Don't," I murmur to him, holding him back. "Don't go in there." It's not only that I'm afraid of what he might find in there, I'm afraid the construction of the house – what is still standing – might crumble and fall, too.

We stay there for a long time, our arms wrapped around each other. I try to comfort him, but there's no real consolation that I can give him.

One of the soldiers discreetly tells us that it's time to go. We were allowed one hour on the ground, it is deemed to unsafe for us to stay longer. The longer we stay, the bigger the chance of being detected by the Capitol. They still don't know that I'm alive, but if they do find out, I'm their biggest prize, the one they want to kill or capture at nearly any cost.

As long as they don't have to go up against the nuclear weapons of District 13.

Peeta releases me, and he bends down to pick up a small rock, covered in soot. He clutches it in his hand. I look at what's left of the town, the ruins, and without thinking, I say: "There can be no forgiveness for this. No forgiveness."

Only after do I realize that it was all captured on film.

We walk back to the Meadow, Peeta with the stone now in the pocket of his pants. As we pass what used to be our house, I hear a strange sound. It's so familiar, but seems strange only because of its context – of life, and normalcy, in this district of death.

It's a miaow.

Buttercup.

His mangy tail is the first thing I see, behind a pile of rubble. Then he comes towards me, looking about as angry and ugly as usual. I don't know how he managed to survive the fire, but he seems just fine. Not as much as a whisker has been singed. "Want to come with us, Buttercup? Prim misses you."

I don't know if he understands, but he follows us to the hovercraft. He hates me, but perhaps he's understood that I mean food – or perhaps he understood the word "Prim". I have to play my Mockingjay card to be allowed to bring Buttercup onto the hovercraft. The captain is not happy, but when we silently say farewell to District 12 through the window, seeing it disappear behind us, it's with Buttercup in my lap.

We return just in time for dinner. I thought they would refuse to let Buttercup into the eating hall, but no one says anything about it at all. When I look at Peeta and Gale – both dirty and full of soot, Peeta has clearly been crying – I realize why. I also realize I don't look much better. I see the smoky fire and rage in Gale's gray eyes, and I know it's mirrored in my own.

All chatter stills as we enter, with Buttercup walking behind me. There is none of the laughter and cheering of this morning. They all know where we've been. "Buttercup!" Prim shouts, and the ugliest cat in the world runs towards her, purring and licking her nose when she lifts him up. I wonder if they'll let her keep him. I haven't seen any pets around here, they probably don't keep anything which isn't productive. Fun isn't enough, everything here needs to fulfill a purpose, to ensure survival.

No one from Twelve asks us anything, I guess one look at our faces is enough. We have all lost so much. Gale and I still have our families, but Peeta has lost everyone. So many of the survivors have. We all share the same pain. To my surprise, Madge grabs my hand as I walk by her. She clings to it, almost desperately, and I stop, looking at her, squeezing her hand. It's clear she has been crying.

I open my mouth as if to speak, but there's nothing I can say. I saw the ruins of her house, and I know her parents were buried somewhere in the ruins. I know she'd be there, too, if she hadn't snuck out to be with Gale that night.

Madge used to be my friend – as close to a female friend as I had, anyway. I never understood why she would put up with me. She was pretty and smart and her father was the mayor. Why she wanted to spend time with me – the antisocial and dirt poor Seam girl – was always beyond me. It still is. Right now, she is one of the few links to my childhood that still exist. I'm not much of a hugger usually, but I find myself giving her a hug anyway. Here, in public. I even surprise myself, even though the hug is short an awkward. "I'm so sorry," I whisper in her ear.

After I've finished dinner, which I couldn't quite identify, Plutarch Heavensbee comes up to me. "You have a meeting in Command in ten minutes." I glance at my wrist. Nothing. He notices my look. "Be there. All three of you." I scowl. I have a feeling I know what the meeting is going to be about.

I'm not surprised when President Coin is there. She's looking at footage that was filmed earlier today, in twelve. She looks at Peeta closing Anna's eyes, and she says: "That's excellent stuff, put that in." I hear Peeta make a strangled noise next to me, but he doesn't say anything. His eyes are fixed on the floor, he refuses to look up at the screen. Plutarch is there, and to my surprise, so is Haymitch. He looks terrible, but at least he doesn't appear to be hallucinating.

"Hey, sweetheart," he says to me, his skin yellowish and his eyes bloodshot.

"You look like hell," I tell him.

"Thanks. You too," he answers, snickering.

"I just came back from hell," I say slowly.

"I know," he answers. Our eyes meet, and again I'm struck by how we seem to understand each other in a way that no one else can. Not even Peeta.

"So, Katniss, have you been thinking about what we talked about yesterday?" Coin certainly doesn't waste any time.

I sit down by the table, even though no one invited me to. I lean back, nonchalantly, or at least I hope that's what it looks like.

"Why were you acting like I already have? I didn't consent to being filmed."

She immediately understands what I mean. "We needed footage now, we couldn't wait. Things are really bad in the districts, we need to start airing propos as soon as we can." Her arrogance is really rubbing me the wrong way, but I know this will be my only chance to negotiate, so I choose to ignore it. I take a deep breath.

"Yeah, so this is the deal. I'll be your Mockingjay." I wait so they can make their sounds of relief, congratulate, slap one another on the back. Coin stays as impassive as ever, watching me, unimpressed. "But I have some conditions." I pause for effect "I kill Snow," I say.

Coin lifts a perfectly manicured gray eyebrow. "When the time comes, I'll flip you for it." There's a smile playing on her lips.

I shake my head. "Not good enough. The odds have never been in my favor. I kill Snow."

Coin studies me closely, her eyes holding mine. I stare back, dark gray against silver gray, a silent stand-still. Finally, she answers: "Okay. I'm guessing that's not the end of your list?" There is a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"My family gets to keep our cat." This request, which I hadn't thought would be such a big deal, is suddenly is big problem, and I'm glad I brought it up now. If I hadn't, I'm sure Buttercup would've been dead by morning. In fact, he would quite probably have been served as breakfast. There is a heated debate, but in the end it's agreed that Prim and my mother will get new quarters, a place where there is a tiny window – just large enough for Buttercup to come and go as he pleases. He will get his own litter box, and even a food allowance, although he is expected to hunt for mice. I roll my eyes, and tell them I'll make sure to let Buttercup know he has to keep up with his daily rodent quota. But I'm not done.

"I want to hunt. With Gale. Out in the wood," I say. This gives everyone pause. "We won't go far," I continue. "We'll use our own bows. You can have the meat for the kitchen." Peeta looks surprised, but doesn't object. Neither does Gale. I'm sure he's not happy about being holed up underground 24 hours a day, either. Besides, hunting together is both safer and more effective.

But most of all, I know that I'll need an escape, to breathe freely. To see the sun, breathe in the fresh air. District 13 is threatening to suffocate me already. I'm a hunter, not prey - I wasn't made to live underground like a rabbit.

Plutarch begins to explain the drawbacks here – the dangers, the extra security, the risk of injury – but Coin cuts him off. "No. Let them. Give them two hours a day, deducted from their training time. A quarter-mile radius. With communication units and tracker anklets. What's next?"

I take a deep breath. This is something I really should've discussed with Peeta first, but I just haven't found the right time. "I won't be Katniss Mellark anymore, I'll be Katniss Everdeen."

I turn to look at Peeta, and he looks hurt. Confused. "Katniss?" he says, questioningly.

"Do you want us to annul your marriage?" Coin says dryly, and she's looking at my belly with a badly concealed smirk. "Because we can do that if you wish. We know this is something you were forced to do by Snow. I'm sure we can easily come up with a law paragraph somewhere, you wouldn't even have to get divorced, it would be as if the wedding never happened." And I think, no, it could never be as if the wedding never happened. It's not something you can undo with some signatures on a paper. "We can't do much about the consequences, though." The barely hidden sarcasm is back.

I narrow my eyes. "That's not what I meant. I don't want an annulment. I just want to get my maiden name back. I'm not Katniss Mellark, I never was. That was Snow's invention. I'm Katniss Everdeen. Every time someone calls me Mrs Mellark, I think they are talking about Peeta's mother. And if we're going to pull off this Mockingjay thing, I think it will work better with me as Katniss Everdeen. That's the name the people of Panem got to know me by in the arena, anyway."

Coin looks at Plutarch, who shrugs. "I guess you have a point. Anything else?" Her voice is practically dripping with sarcasm now.

"Yes." This is the hardest part. "I get to call the shots with this pregnancy and beyond. There will be no scheduled c-section, or scans or diagnostic procedures that I don't agree to."

"I can't agree to that," Coin objects. "Babies are very precious to us here in District 13. We have to provide them with the best medical care that we possibly can. This one in particular. " I remember someone whispering about a pox epidemic long ago yesterday. That District 13 has had problems with infertility and deformed children ever since. And that we, from District 12, are very much needed here, that they didn't just take us in out of the goodness of their hearts. We are fresh blood, fresh genetic material. Fresh oocytes and spermatozoa, uninjured by the pox virus.

"I'm not asking you to allow me to put my baby in any danger, I simply want to be in charge of my own body," I tell her.

"The answer is no."

"Then fuck it," I hiss. "Good luck finding yourself another Mockingjay." I get up from the table and start to walk towards the door.

As I had hoped, I'm interrupted by Coin before I have the chance to leave. "Okay… Okay. But that's the end of it, is that clear?" I turn around, being careful keep the triumph out of my eyes. I had guessed that my baby wouldn't mean that much to Coin in the end, despite her talking about how precious children are to District 13. "But you'd better perform." She pauses. She bends forward over the table, and her gray sheet of perfect hair actually moves ever so slightly. "You better be devoted to our cause, Mrs Everdeen. Any deviance from our mission, either in motive or in deed, will be viewed as a break in this agreement."

In other words, I step out of line and I lose what little I have left of control over my own life and my own child – and my chance to get revenge.

I remember something I read in a history book in school. Long ago, in the dark ages before Panem rose from the ashes, there was a book called The Holy Bible. It was used to oppress people and create divisions between populations and countries, and the teacher read excerpts from the book to show us how cruel it was. One of them was "an eye for an eye". I wonder if that's what this is? A life for a life. But opposite, in a twisted way – revenging the creation of one life by the taking of another.

But then again, everyone knows their history books were full of lies. Perhaps there never was a book called The Holy Bible anyway. Perhaps it was just another Capitol creation.

After the meeting, I manage to get lost in the crowd. I manage to get away from Peeta, to be alone. Deep in District 13, I find a closet where I can hide.

I completely ignore the schedules printed on my wrist the following days. The only appointments I attend, are the meal times – and going hunting with Gale. We're not allowed to go far, which seriously impedes our hunting, but at least I feel almost… free. The late October air is sharp and fresh against my pale skin, and I drink in the cold fall sun rays as if I've never seen the sun before.

I hate living underground.

I wish I could bring Peeta, but I know he's so noisy we'd scare away any pray around. Perhaps I can talk Coin into taking him one day anyway, though. I'm sure he'd enjoy being outside, too. I feel guilty for not including him in my bargaining, not providing him with this escape – but taking Gale instead.

It is great to be with Gale, though. It's not like it used to be, back when we were hunting partners. Before the mines, before the Hunger Games. Before Peeta and Madge. The woods are different, too, unknown to us. Most of the plants are the same, but not all of them. We have to get to know this new habitat. Where do the animals go? We move silently, communicating by looks and gestures, perfected through years of working together. We're still a well-oiled team.

I tire more easily, though. Where I would just run without even thinking about it three years ago, I now have to stop to catch my breath. When I want to use the slick trunk of a fallen-down tree to get to the other side of a creek, Gale stops me. I'm secretly grateful, afterwards, because I feel that my balance is off. I didn't notice in District 13, or by the end in District 12, because I haven't really done anything requiring much balance. I've been walking on floors and concrete roads. But here, it's clear what the pregnancy is doing to my body. Gale doesn't comment on it, but I can tell from the looks he's giving me now and then, when he thinks I don't see, that he notices it, too. He can't stop looking at the bump.

After about an hour, he sits down on a clearing by a small river, giving me a few wild apples he found a little while ago. I guess we are supposed to bring them home with us to give to the District 13 kitchens, but this small act of rebellion – eating more than the calculated daily calorie count – is somehow making me giddy. I don't think an apple has ever tasted better.

"So, Mrs Mockingjay, how are you?" He asks me, emphasizing the "Mrs". I blush, remembering that he probably heard us the other night, too.

I shrug. "Just… trying not to think." There's no point in answering that I'm okay. He knows I'm not. "You?"

He doesn't shrug, though. "I want to end this. I want Panem to come crashing down. I want us to be free. No more slaving in the mines, no more starving children." The intensity of his gaze surprises me, and I can't help but think that Coin just might have her alternate Mockingjay in Gale if she tires of me and my demands. "They're going to show the propo with footage from District 12 to us tonight," he continues, as if reading my mind. "Beetee is going to hack into the Capitol TV systems." They must be telling Gale more than they tell me – not that I can blame them. Gale must be a much bigger asset to them than I am, I bet Coin is cursing Snow for making me the Mockingjay. I'm stubborn, unpredictable, and I make demands. He grins at me. "The Capitol don't even know you're alive, Katniss," he says, starting to eat apple number two. "It will be amazing. I wish I could see Snow's face when he sees that propo."

I chuckle. "So do I."

It turns out there is such a thing as mandatory viewing in District 13, too. They show the propo during dinner. Coin is there as well, holding a speech. She talks about how I've agreed to be the Mockingjay, and after the applause, she goes on to make thinly veiled threats about what will happen if I don't play my part.

There is a power struggle between us, I realize. She is the president, the leader of the rebellion – yet to some degree I have power that she doesn't. I'm a symbol in a way that she isn't. She needs me. But I need her as well - with my growing belly I'm vulnerable.

And then they show the propo. It's impressively professionally done – I've had to watch a lot of Panem propaganda over the years, so I immediately see that this one is good. It starts with footage of flames – I realize it must be from some kind of surveillance camera in District 12. How they got hold of the footage is beyond me, but what I see is sickening. It's from the Seam, and we can see houses on fire, smoke, crying children and people trying to run away. Choking as they fall to the ground. Some persons can even be identified, and I hear crying from the District 12 table. I know some of them recognize their parent, child, neighbor, friend.

Damn you, Coin.

But then, the flames change, they fill the screen – and out of them, I walk. The footage must be from that hour in District 12, because I'm wearing the clothes I was wearing that day. I see now why they made me wear them. I look riveting, actually – dark and dangerous dressed all in black, the clothes hugging my curves and accentuating my belly. I'm very obviously pregnant. I'm also very obviously angry. And on top of that, I'm very much from District 12.

I look unforgiving.

"The Capitol thought they'd get rid of the Mockingjay by shamefully bombing an entire district into oblivion," a voiceover says, "but the girl on fire lives. Thousands of people were killed in District 12, but some survivors remain." Then Peeta and Gale walk out of the flames as well, one on either side of me. We're quite the riveting trio. Then they show footage of us looking at our houses in the Victors' Village. Peeta closing the eyes of Anna, lying burned and dead on the ground. They don't conceal anything – they brazenly do close-ups of dead people, even when they can be identified. Smoking ruins. An abandoned doll, lying in the ashes. The October sun, cold and pale, creates an almost unreal look, in some shots it looks almost like I have a halo. The reds and yellows of the maple trees in the background, untouched by the fire bombs, seem perfect for me - the girl on fire. The voice goes on to tell a short version of how Gale saved the people from the Seam, interspersed with a few of his own quotes. He looks dashingly handsome with his dark hair and gray eyes, and I realize that they're building him, too. Coin wants to use Gale in her well-oiled propaganda machine. He actually plays a more prominent role in the propo than Peeta does, although there is some footage of us holding hands, and even of me comforting him by his parents' house. They don't focus on him, though – they focus on the look of hatred on my face as I stare at where the bakery used to be.

Predictably, the propo ends with me saying: ""There can be no forgiveness for this. No forgiveness." I'm actually surprised when I see myself – I had no idea I looked that dark, mesmerizing and convincing. I'm not a good actress. The intensity of the moment that's clearly shining through is there simply because it's what I felt. Right there and then.

The last shot is of a burning mockingjay image, with a text saying: "Fire is catching."

There is applause as it ends, Coin is congratulated and there's cheering. She goes down to me, I guess she needs to be seen with me, everyone needs to see the connection between us. Her pale eyes don't betray any emotion when they meet mine. I expect her to say something along the lines of good job, but instead she just shakes my hand and says: "Keep it up."

I don't answer.

We try to adapt to life in District 13. People from Twelve aren't really used to being controlled, at least not as rigorously as we are now.

Some adjust better than others. My mother and Prim are working in the hospital, and I'm not surprised that they quickly get into a routine. My mother seems almost happy - she's given responsibilities that she's never had the chance to have before, and there is much more equipment and medicine available here than in District 12. She's not a certified doctor, of course, but it seems like her knowledge is actually being valued here. Prim seems to be some kind of intern. She's working very long hours, perhaps it's partly to drown the shock and pain from what we have been through, but she seems determined.

I ignore everything on my schedule but meal times and the daily two-hour hunting trip. The rest of the time, I try my best to just be invisible. I either stay in our room, or I find a place to hide. Sometimes I just roam the underground tunnels, trying to memorize all of them, but I hate being underground. It reminds me too much of how dad died. Peeta is a much better District 13 newcomer than me, showing up to most of his appointments. He tries to keep up with me, but he's conflicted by my obvious disdain of my schedule and his desire to be with me, and his conscience, telling him to do as he's told.

After I've missed two appointments with Dr Aurelius in a row, I suddenly find that he's sitting next to me at breakfast the next day. "We're going to my office after breakfast," he says, and his voice doesn't leave any room for discussion. I scowl, I'm not happy about being outed as being a psychiatric patient in front of everyone who's left of my old district, but it doesn't seem like they care. They're used to me behaving strangely, I guess.

I've done it since I was 11 years old.

Dr Aurelius' office is small and cramped. There aren't any personal effects, photos or children's drawings. It's all medical textbooks and stacks of old journals. There are tissues available, though, and even a couch. It seems like a Capitol TV show, it's almost too much of a cliché.

Dr Aurelius does most of the talking. I try to ignore most of what he's saying, but I do have to answer him sometimes. We fall into a routine – I go to his office every morning after breakfast. When I try not to go, I'm being escorted there by guards. Dr Aurelius didn't exaggerate – my being here is obviously very important to Coin. When I ask him why this is so important, he answers:

"Because District 13 can't use a Mockingjay who's a nervous wreck."

I roll my eyes. It seems a bit harsh, calling me a nervous wreck.

He asks about my childhood. About when my father died. When we almost starved to death. My relationship with my mother. The bread. The reaping, my volunteering. My relationship with Peeta. Prim. The Hunger Games. What came after – how we were forced to marry, how we grew together, how I got pregnant. The drugs, the alcohol, the nightmares. He seems particularly interested in the nightmares and my reactions to my pregnancy. I don't really want to talk about any of it, but he's exceptionally good at getting me to talk about stuff I didn't really want to say. I guess there's a reason he became a psychiatrist. I know Peeta goes to him sometimes, too, and Annie. She goes to him every day, like I do. Once, I see Finnick, too, in the waiting room. None of us ever speak of it.

Sometimes he uses words I don't understand.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.

Major depressive disorder.

Substance abuse.

Paranoid personality disorder.

Sleep disturbances.

Suicidal ideation.

Antisocial behavior.

Body dysmorphic disorder.

Generalized anxiety disorder.

He doesn't say what the words mean, and I don't ask.

UPDATE:

I'd like to clarify something regarding the part about the Bible. I would've PMed the clarification if I could, but the review was from a guest called Jesus is Lord, so I didn't know who you are. I also got another anonymous review which said basically the same thing a few hours later as well. Anyway, I think you both missed my point, or perhaps my point just wasn't clear enough. You wrote: "but the part about the Bible being used to oppress people rubbed me up the wrong way. Religious people aren't oppressed but given faith and freedom, and that is something you shouldn't knock".

I'm not knocking anything. Please remember that this fic is written in Katniss' POV, and she's grown up under a totalitarian regime, where free thinking and – I strongly suspect – religion would be considered a threat to the regime. As far as I recall, there are no mentions of religion at all in the books, and I don't think it's a coincidence. Religion – any religion – would be dangerous to Snow's Capitol, for the exact same reasons you mention in your review. Schools (at least in this fic, but I think the basic concept was also mentioned in the books? I don't have the first book here right now, so I can't double check it) were used for indoctrination and basically only existed to train workers that could produce the food and other commodities that the Capitol needed - not to promote free, independent thinking at all. I think it's very likely that the Capitol would use schools as a means of spreading a very biased view on religion, starting the anti-religious indoctrination early. This would be true for any religion, really, but the USA being a (mainly) Christian country, I think they would specifically target Christianity (plus that's my cultural background as well, I couldn't really quote anything else LOL). So I am NOT saying that the Bible is used to oppress people or that Christianity is bad in any way, I'm saying that this is what the Capitol taught Katniss and every other child in Panem, for the reasons I explained earlier. And as you can read from the chapter, she doesn't really believe in what she was taught in school, anyway. She knows far too much about the Capitol to ever do that.

I hope that made it clearer. No offense was intended at all, in fact, quite the opposite. Religion would be a very strong counter-force to the Capitol, and religion would (probably) need to be banned to control the population of the districts. What I was originally thinking of when I wrote that passage was something along what you can read in the Wikipedia article on Religion in the Soviet Union (I can't link to it because FFN doesn't allow it, but you can easily google it). I don't know if Suzanne Collins was thinking of the Soviet Union when she wrote The Hunger Games trilogy, but it's certainly not the first time I've thought of that and other similar regimes when reading the books.

So peace&love&understanding, everyone.