"Kill the mage!" A woman with blonde hair beckoned, looking back at her heavily clad soldiers in disgust.
"You only said we'd arrest them!" Cullen shot back, now face-to-face with the woman, her blonde curls, whipped back towards him.
"Do you disobey me?" She asked through slithered breath, her eyes, demonic.
"Step down Meredith!" Cullen stood in between her and the people she had ordered to be killed, shielding them.
"Move aside Knight-Captain, or you will suffer the same fate!" Meredith wildly unsheathed a huge sword, its contents glowing black and red. A delirious smirk was planted on her lips as she pointed the tip of the sword at him. Her grip wavering.
"I will not allow it!" Cullen said, still shielding the group behind him. He felt the hot breath of the sword, eyeing the tip as it inched closer to him. "This is not what the Templar Order stands for, now step down!"
Meredith smiled wickedly and lowered the sword, not without singing Knight-Captain Cullen's lip. "Argh!" He groaned in pain, lowered to his knees. _
Cullen shot up, his hand instinctively raised to his lip, tracing the scar. He panted heavily, his mind was exhausted. He fell back into his pillow and rubbed through his hair. His eyes lazily looked over into the distance, this time, nothing could have calmed him. His heart palpitated profusely, as if beating out of his chest. He began to sweat profusely. His mind kept showing him still images shrouded in black and lingering for too long. All the people he saw die in front of him. All their bodies laid still, lifeless, his friends.
He closed his eyes, hoping whatever he was thinking, seeing, would go away. Instead, it would repeat over and over. A surge of energy hit Cullen, his body lay stiff as he felt the pain of a thousand daggers stab him. "ARGH!" He groaned loudly in pain, but nobody could hear. He breathed heavily, in small rhythms. And then, another pang of energy encompassed his head. He twitched violently grabbing hold of his head, his body curled in among itself, trying to shield it off with no avail.
"Lyrium….lyrium…" he whispered to himself. His thoughts flashed to his box, the contents empty. "I need it…" he slithered under his breath, squirming in pain. "No!" he argued with himself. "NO!" He yelled louder. The raven perched on the edge of his ceiling flew off, afraid of his tone. Cullen's mind focused on the flutter of its wings. The freedom the bird had...such a simple life. Cullen's breath lowered in pace. "I can't…" He whispered frustratingly to himself, taking a pillow and smothering his face with it. "I can't…" He repeated, his grip slackened in defeat.
After many hours of writhing in pain, the sun broke out, hitting him in his face. He couldn't tell if he had went back to sleep. Yet one thing he knew for sure, is that his body pained...ached for the lyrium. It whispered to him. He stood up lazily from his bed. His feet planted on the rubble and he buried his head deep into his palms, a bead of sweat dripped in between his fingers. He let out a deep sigh and looked outside once more, his friend had not returned. The deep green scar in the sky looked more vivid in his eyes. He looked away, shaking his head. He supported his body weight by pushing himself off by his knees. He clumsily put on his armor, not without feeling light-headed and supporting himself on the bricked wall.
He headed down his ladder, more slowly than usual. A messenger had walked in, laying a report on his desk, not noticing his presence.
"Hannah…" Cullen's feet planted on the ground, holding himself up by the wood of the ladder.
The messenger spun around. Her eyes widened in shock. "Commander!" She said worriedly, eyeing him.
"Do me a favor…" He said through angered whispers. "...and stay here. If the Inq-anyone comes looking for me, I will be with Lady Cassandra."
"Y-yes, of course. Ser." She lifted her hand to her temple, in salute. And stood still by his desk as he trailed off, clicking the door angrily behind him.
Cullen was thankful that not many people had yet awoken. He struggled heading down the few steps, enjoying the silence that fell before him while gasping for air. He held his sides and noticed from a distance Cassandra was already awake, practicing her sword skills with a test dummy.
"Lady Cassandra…" His voice was wrought with pain.
Cassandra slowly turned her head. Her mouth widened as she looked at his state. Her eyes faltered to the floor as she dropped her sword in realization. "Come with me." She said stone-faced, now looking around to see if anyone was watching. She led him into the blacksmith's carrying most of his weight on her shoulders and placed him nicely into an armchair, facing the fireplace.
She stood by the fire, her arms crossed, they spent many moments in silence as Cullen winced in pain. "It's getting worse." He said simply, rubbing his temple with his gloved hand.
"This is just but one moment, it will pass." She said, while looking into the fire.
"You do not know that!" He yelled angrily. "You do not-" His voice trailed, unable to finish his sentence.
"I do not know?" Her eyebrow raised, slightly insulted.
Cullen looked into the fire, ashamed. "Find a replacement." He said angrily.
"No." She said now looking into his eyes.
"You said…" Cullen muttered, frustrated.
"I know what I said, it is not necessary." Cassandra said confidently, her eyes bore into his.
"The Inqu-" Cullen's thought process stopped in his tracks, his mind wandered to her what she had told him the night before.
"The Inquisitor would want you by her side." She said simply, interrupting his thought. Cullen let out a small breath and looked up at her. "You." She repeated, her tone was small. "Not someone else…"
Cullen stood up angrily, gathering his composure."She does not deserve someone as weak as me as Commander of the Inquisition."
"You are not weak!" Cassandra yelled back.
"I can't be trusted…" His eyes lingered over the fire.
"Enough! You have done wonders for her and for the soldiers, do you just want to give up? And go back to what, exactly? We're in the middle of a war, here!" The burning embers of the fire reflected in her eyes.
Cullen shook his head in disagreement. "I don't want to be carried to victory on everyone's shoulders except my own!"
"Than do so! And continue to fight, for us and for her!" She said annoyedly. "You asked me for my opinion and I have given it...why would you expect it to change?" She said now crossing her arms.
"I expect you to keep your word." He sputtered through his teeth, shaking his head angrily. "It's relentless...I can't…" His voice showed a hint of sadness, unable to finish his thought.
Cassandra's face softened. "You give yourself too little credit."
Cullen looked at her wickedly. "If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this." He breathed and looked to the floor. "Would you rather save face then admit-"
Cullen's gaze lingered to the door that just opened. The Inquisitor carefully made her way inside. A look of worry etched on her face as her eyes lingered to Cullen, ignoring Cassandra's presence. Cassandra and Cullen stood frozen staring at her as she walked towards them. Cullen shook his head, unable to speak. He met her halfway to the door and looked ahead. "Forgive me." He whispered only within her earshot.
"And people say, I'm stubborn...this is ridiculous." Cassandra shot back at him, loud enough to make sure he heard.
Cullen shut the door quickly behind him and headed back to his office. When he got back, he noticed Hannah was still on guard, standing still. "Are you alright, Commander?" Hannah asked worriedly, her eyes investigating his.
"Yes." He lied. "Thank you, you may proceed with your duties."
"A letter was left...in your absence." She said while pointing at his desk.
"From who?" Cullen eyed the parchment.
"I-I don't remember, Ser." She said, sounding confused.
"I-uh...very well." He said now picking up the ripped piece of parchment as the messenger had left through a side door.
Uldred marked you but didn't make you. You stayed you.
Cullen sighed and realized the letter hadn't been signed. "Cole…" he muttered under his breath.
He slipped the parchment into his desk, reflecting on it slightly. He noticed as he opened the drawer his lyrium box was nestled in between some reports. He hesitated, picking it up slowly. He threw it onto the desk, looking at it with disgust. Something deep inside called for it, for him to take it. His mind wandered to the dark depths. He opened it slowly, his mouth watered, craving it. He stared at it for a brief moment and anger washed over him. "ARGH!" He yelled in frustration, throwing it against the wall. The door swung wide open in the way of the lyrium box, almost hitting the person walking in.
The Inquisitor's reflex kicked in as she dodged it. Her mouth was wide open, staring at the broken contents on the floor to Cullen's face which was now in shock.
"Maker's Breath!" Cullen said in deep gasps. "I didn't hear you enter! I...I- Forgive me…" he pleaded, shaking his head while looking away from her. He couldn't bear to take it.
The Inquisitor showed him a weak smile. " So long as you weren't aiming at me. I think the box had it coming."
Cullen backed off slightly, dazed. "I swear I didn't know you were-" A huge jolt of current shot through his body. He groaned in pain, his fist balled and hit the edge of his desk. He slumped over it, holding his sides. The Inquisitor rushed to his side, helping him up. Her look changed to worry as he tried to push her away. "I swear I never meant for this to interfere." He said slowly, now placing both his fists gripping onto the desk, avoiding her gaze.
She crouched , trying to connect their eyes but he simply looked away from her. Focused on his desk with a blank stare. "Are you going to be alright?"
"Yes," he said too quickly. He took a small breath."...I don't know." He said now, much more honestly. He carried himself, straightening his back and deepening his gaze. "You asked what happened in Fereldan Circle, it was taken over in abominations." He winced in pain, harder to breathe after every gasp. "The templars...my friends, were slaughtered." His face showed pain, he felt himself deep in sweat once more, closed in and claustrophobic. He exhaled and slowly turned to his window, breathing in the air, gripping the window pane with his trembling hand. "I was tortured, they tried to break my mind and…" he laughed demonically under his breath, unable to cope. "How can you be the same person after that?" He sputtered, his own words hit him hard, his voice cracked. "Still...I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall…" He now look back ashamed at the Inquisitor. His breath and heart, still heavy. "I trusted my Knight-Commander...and for what? Hm?" He shook his head angrily, "Her fear of mages ended in madness...Kirkwall's Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets." He grabbed onto his forehead, trying to brush off the repeating dark images in his mind. He looked at her seriously, his brow furrowed, his lips never curled. "Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?" He stared at her angrily, waiting for her to answer.
The Inquisitor's eyes began to water, she had probably never seen him in this much pain, with this much anger. She stood still for a brief moment in shock, her mouth slightly parted. She then walked over, wanting to comfort him. "O-Of course I can...I-"
"Don't! You should be questioning what I've done." His voice trailed, his thoughts overbearing, wiping his mouth in frustration. "I thought this would be better..." He said now walking closer to her, her stance unwavered. "...That I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won't leave me!" He rubbed his hands through his hair angrily pulling at him, now pacing back and forth in his office. "How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to the Inquisition...to this cause…"His actions became increasingly angered, spit was strewn through his teeth as he spoke. "I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it." He punched his desk angrily, frightening the Inquisitor slightly, causing her to step back from him. An array of books crumbled to the floor. "I should be taking it…" he repeated in a smaller voice, his frustration still noticeable.
He faced away from her, resting his head on his now broken bookshelf. "This doesn't have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what you want?" She said smoothly, hoping to calm him.
Cullen spun around, a line still etched in between his brow. He leaned back into his bookcase and deeply exhaled. "No." He said simply. He stared at her a brief moment and had clarity. Her calm demeanor soothed him. His arms slumped to his side as he took a few more breaths, his gaze lingered to the floor, ashamed. She came closer to him, knowing it was alright to approach him now. She cupped his face lovingly with her delicate fingers, lifting up his jaw. The fire met the water, amber met the sea and his anger extinguished. "But...these memories have always haunted me- if they become worse, if I cannot endure this…"
The Inquisitor caressed his cheek then placed her hand over his heart. "You can." She said seriously.
A shot of warmth hit Cullen unexpectedly, his heart grew aflame. His face softened the more he looked into her eyes. He took another deep breath. "All right." he said, a little more confidently.
Her hand grabbed hold of his, she undid his gloves slowly, her eyes never averting his. Cullen looked at her in shock. She kissed the top of his hand sweetly with a weak smile. "You can." She repeated once more.
He craved her touch, wanting to kiss her, to hold her. He couldn't find the strength to do it. "I need a moment. Could we speak another time?" He said reluctantly, he pulled his hand back to smooth the back of his head.
The Inquisitor backed off, slightly hurt but nodded in agreeance with her widened eyes. She took off without another word, without another smile, leaving him to organize his thoughts.