A/N: Amy's POV, this chapter is dedicated to guest reviewer Lulu, who is apparently a faithful reader of mine! Thank you for your kind words, Lulu! I hope you like this chapter, and I actually think that'd make a great oneshot! I'll make a note of it and will work on it when I get a moment to do it justice.

-C

Christmas at home was usually a happy time of year. All of us would be home from Hogwarts in the best of years and Ashley Elizabeth always got the day off work to spend with us.

Except Ashley Elizabeth was not coming this year, I was already depressed because of the mess with Sirius and my fight with Sarah, and my sisters seemed to be so happy that it made me sick to my stomach. How could they be happy? Didn't they know what was happening in the world? Didn't they understand that the world was ending?

Apparently not.

"Amy," my mother told me at dinner, "pass the salt, please."

It was difficult, hearing my mother's voice like that, all defeated and empty. Her eyes were the same, defeated and empty. I had long guessed that Ashley Elizabeth was her favorite child, but if I'd ever really doubted, this was all the proof I needed. Would she have looked so upset if it had been me, or Mackenzie, or Natalie, or one of the twins? I didn't think so, somehow.

And my sisters, they noticed nothing, or if they noticed they said nothing. I was almost certain Natalie noticed. She noticed everything.

I had tried to talk with Natalie when I'd first gotten back home, but she didn't want to talk about anything, not Ashley Elizabeth or our family or even about Sirius. Perhaps it was too much to assume that because she was my sister she would want to listen to me, but I had been so sure, and when she had her own things she wanted to do, her own friends she was writing to and activities that didn't include me, I felt lonelier than ever.

Then I had tried bonding with MacKenzie. We were only a year apart, and yet we hadn't spoken properly in years, not since she was Sorted into Ravenclaw.

It didn't seem right to burden Kayla and Julia with my problems. They were young. They had problems enough of their own. And more importantly, they had each other.

It suddenly occurred to me that with my separation from Vanessa, my fight with Sarah, my issues with Sirius...

I had no one.

Well, I had Lily, but Lily had Marlene. And perhaps I had Remus, but he had the Marauders. I needed someone, and no one really needed me. And that, truly, was the main cause of my Christmastime melancholy.

After a while, though, there was a knock at my door and Natalie was there, looking just as morose as I felt.

"Can we talk?" she asked, and I let her in, letting her sit at the foot of my bed as I sat on my pillow, watching her collect herself. Finally she said, "Mum's not going to talk about it, is she? I mean, I keep waiting for her to say...say something, but then she just doesn't talk about it."

I looked at her, expecting her to cry, but she did not. Finally, I said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's not even so much talking about it," she sighed, shaking her head and leaning her back against my bedroom wall, careful not to mess up the pictures I'd pinned on it. I would have to change those out. Some of them still had Vanessa in them. "It's that I can't stand the lack of acknowledgement. It happened, you know? I can't pretend it didn't happen. I'm not sure Mum can either, but she's trying and it's creepy."

I nodded, pulling my pillow from underneath me and hugging it to my chest.

"We'll figure it out eventually," I said, feeling that emptiness in my chest that I felt when I started to think about Ashley Elizabeth being gone forever. "I have lots of friends at school who've suffered losses. They get better. We'll get better too, even Mum."

Natalie nodded, rubbing her hands together absently, her foot jostling around off the edge of the bed.

"How are things with the Marauders?" she finally asked. "I know Sirius and Remus both look like they're ready to give up on life these days."

Had they? I knew Remus was a mess, but I'd been trying not to look at Sirius.

"I don't really know," I said with a shrug. "I mean, Remus is having issues with his love life, but I guess they're all more interconnected than I realized if Sirius is just as depressed."

"Maybe," Natalie said, frowning. "He's not had a girlfriend since he broke up with Vanessa, has he? I mean, let's just be real. He's obviously not himself right now. Or at least, not his usual self. Have you talked with him much lately?"

"No," I admitted, shifting, thinking of the feel of his lips on mine. "No, I haven't really."

She just looked at the opposite wall, at my band posters and my Gryffindor pennants and she shook her head.

"He's miserable, all right," Natalie sighed. "Something's very, very off with those boys." Then she smiled and said, "This war's really done a number on everyone."

I nodded. She was right about that.

It wasn't the talk I expected to have with Natalie, but it was the talk I needed to have with her. I just sat up that night, staring at the ceiling, thinking over what I needed to do, and the things I had to sort out.

Before I could do anything about the boys, I needed to make things right with Sarah. I might not approve of her dealings with Remus, but she was my best friend and it would be more productive to work through it with her than push her away entirely. If I didn't stretch out a hand to someone, all four of us were likely to waste away in our separate and interconnected miseries. Besides, I needed a shoulder to lean on as I figured out what to do with Sirius. I could use Lily, but somehow it seemed better to use Sarah if I could.

I still had the present I'd gotten Sarah, sitting under my bed where I'd kept the other presents I'd already sent. It was unwrapped, no card or letter made up to go with it. I'd been so furious with her when I was doing my wrapping that I'd set it off to the side and just forgotten about it.

The morning after I talked to Natalie, I crept down the hall to get things for wrapping, and then I went back to my room, pulled the little box from under my bed, and opened it.

Inside was a small bracelet I'd been putting together for six years, charms for each of the major milestones in our friendship. I'd almost thought of throwing it away when we got in our fight, but looking at it and turning it over in my hand I was glad I didn't. It was the sort of thing that would remind her of my goodwill and good intentions, even if she was furious at me.

I wrapped it up in a little bit of tissue paper, folding it carefully and taping the paper down with Spellotape to keep it from unraveling on the journey. Sarah had taught me that trick, years ago.

The other gift was a set of dress robes she'd been eyeing when we went into Gladrags, but she would never have gotten them for herself because they were way out of her price range. As it was I'd had to ask my sister to loan me some money so I didn't have to get an allowance increase for the Christmas season, knowing my mother would hate my spending so much on one person.

I wiped a tear from my face as I folded the robes carefully, the yellow beading making soft clinking sounds.

Ashley Elizabeth wouldn't be expecting to be paid back.

I bit my lip and carefully placed it in a box more suitable for gift giving. I placed the tissue-wrapped bracelet on top of it and covered the box. I then wrapped the whole parcel in paper and pulled out some parchment and ink, for a letter.

It was difficult to know where to begin, but I closed my eyes, thinking of all the things I needed to say and prioritizing them. There were thing that could be said in a letter and things that would have to wait until we were together in person again. I decided what needed to be said and dipped the quill into my ink, carefully scrawling out a letter that said everything I felt, apologized for what I hadn't told her, and said that no matter how she decided on her issues with Remus, I wanted to be her friend again because I'd never felt so alone as I didn't when we weren't speaking. There were other people I could speak to, but I didn't want to be without my best friend.

It was honest, and I knew it would also speak to her in a way she would understand and instantly respond to.

I attached the things together and sent them off, curling up in bed again and hoping against hope that she would react well to the extended offering of peace.

"Amy!" Natalie called to me. "We're going shopping for dress robes!"

I groaned.

I'd forgotten all about the Potter's Christmas party.

I was required to go to it any year I wasn't at Hogwarts, as was James. He'd been so excited, talking about it with Sirius, especially when he got his mother to agree that they didn't have to invite the Browns this year.

But I would have to see Sirius, and I wasn't sure I felt up to it yet.

"Coming," I groaned down the hall, pulling my hair up and putting on a cloak. We would be taking the Floo to Diagon Alley, of course, and straight to Madam Malkin's, no doubt. It was too dangerous to go wandering about, even in such crowded places. And our mother was a bit paranoid since Ashley Elizabeth's death.

When I was ready to go I went to the sitting room, where my sisters were all lined up in a row, waiting for me.

Typically they would have been so excited for something like shopping for new dress robes, especially when it meant going to a fancy party in them. But everyone was sullen as I entered the room, except for my falsely cheery mother.

When we all arrived at Madam Malkin's, she began taking our measurements merrily, chatting with our mother, who was all smiles and Christmas cheer. I felt like I was going to be sick and I exchanged a look with Natalie, who seemed equally disgusted.

"The green," I said lazily when my mother opened her mouth to ask me which robes I liked best.

"Excellent choice as always, dear," Madam Malkin simpered, drawing up the bill of all our dress robes. It was a forest green, so no one could accuse me of wearing Slytherin colors, and still it was festive without me having to wear red. Red, even Gryffindor scarlet, did not go well with my complexion.

Nor did gold, for that matter. MacKenzie loved to tease me about it. I would have looked so much better in Slytherin or Ravenclaw colors.

"Very well," my mother said, paying the bill as Natalie, MacKenzie, and I gathered up all the parcels. "Pleasure as always, Madam Malkin."

"Of course, Mrs. McAuley," Madam Malkin said jovially. "I hope you have a happy Christmas, in spite of the grief!"

My mother paused, not looking at Madam Malkin and Natalie and I exchanged nervous looks. For all we knew, no one had spoken to our mother about her loss since Ashley Elizabeth's death, including our father. He'd been working himself into oblivion with his own grief, but he said nothing to any of us about it, including Mother.

Without another word, we took the Floo back home.

I dressed for the party very carefully.

The dress robes were forest green, floor-length, beaded all over for color and movement without tacky Muggle sequins. There was a velvet black belt around the waist, highlighting the low cut v-neck, which then distracted from the cutouts on the shoulders. The actual fabric of the sleeves draped on the top of the shoulders as a strap, and then down to about halfway down the upper-arm, the fabric hanging between the two points of contact with the arms down to the torso. It was actually rather flattering. I put my hair up, letting the back cascade over my right shoulder in spiral curls Natalie had set it in.

"How do I look?" Natalie asked, twirling in my room, her own robes dancing across the floor.

She looked so grown up in her purple velvet dress robes. They were floor length in front, and had a bit of a train in back, but the part that made me frown was that the slit when halfway up her left thigh. That coupled with the jewel-encrusted sweetheart neckline that dipped a little lower than necessary and I began to worry about what might be on the minds of boys all night.

"You look beautiful," I said, "but you definitely don't look your age."

She seemed to think that this was some sort of compliment, and we went down to Floo to the Potters, where I knew we were sure to see Sirius Black, and all I wanted was to cover up my little sister and find a corner to hide in.

"Amy!" Mrs. Potter cried happily upon seeing me. "It's good to see you. When Sirius told me what happened I was terrified. But you're fully recovered?"

Of course, she was referring to my brain damage and I smiled at her, kissing her proffered cheek.

"Yes, so much so that I hardly think of it anymore," I told her, glancing around the hall. "Your elves have outdone themselves, Mrs. Potter."

She just smiled and tried to graciously brush off the compliment.

When I was free of the hostess, I cautiously stepped into the vast party, seeing purebloods everywhere I looked, and even quite a few prominent half-bloods. The Potters always had the largest party because they didn't believe in notions of blood-purity. If they befriended some sociable Muggle-born, that person would also no doubt receive an invitation.

"Amy?"

I heard Sirius's voice, and thankfully instead of freezing I picked up the pace, trying to lose myself in the crowd of party guests, trying to find somewhere to hide.

I'd ducked behind a lion statue that was an anniversary gift from Mrs. Potter to Mr. Potter sometime well before I was born. I could see Sirius searching for me, his eyes scanning the crowd, his dark hair still coolly disheveled, his gorgeous dress robes hanging off his body.

Because I knew myself, and I knew that if I let him talk me into kissing him, into being one of those girls, when he was dressed like that I would never, ever find my resolve again.

Sirius was frowning to himself, and he stopped a woman who was grabbing some elf-made wine from a table and asked her something. The woman gestured in my general direction and I groaned, hoping to be invisible. I was not, unfortunately, capable of being invisible, and so when Sirius began looking around the statue he saw me right away.

Pretending I hadn't see him and couldn't hear him calling after me I dashed for the stairs, rushing up to the bathroom, closing the door and locking it, wiping my brow.

"You know, you really ought to check someone's not in the bathroom before you come in, McAuley," James's amused voice said from behind me. I turned in horror to find him smirking at me. "I might have been using the toilet."

He wiped off his glasses lazily and I hissed, "Please, James, I'm not here. I was never in this room. You've got other bathrooms, right?"

"Three of them," James said, still smirking. "But you and Sirius really need to work things out, you know. You can't run from him forever. Why should I-"

"Because I'm trying to help you win Lily," I hissed again, and he froze as someone knocked at the door.

"Amy?" Sirius said through the door. "Are you in there?"

I backed away from the door quietly with pleading eyes directed toward James. He still smirked at me, but then Sirius jiggled the handle of the door.

"Amy?"

I could imagine Sirius pulling out his wand to unlock the door, sure I was in there.

"Relax, Padfoot," James said, gesturing for me to hide in the shower, which I did. "It's just me. Now back up so I can come out, yeah?"

I held my breath as James exited the room, closing the door behind him again. I crept out and locked the door, hoping Sirius didn't hear the click and I pressed my ear to the door.

"It's getting out of hand, Prongs. She was hiding behind a statue. I'm sure she was hiding."

"The lion statue? Maybe she was just admiring it. Guests like to do that."

"She's seen it a hundred times."

"So have the other guests who do it," James said, and I could imagine him shrugging.

"I think she's hidden in a room up here, and I was sure it would be the bathroom. It's her style."

"We've got a few others, Pads, but she's not in this one. Just calm down, okay? Maybe she just wants to talk to you on her own terms."

"I just don't know what I did wrong, Prongs," Sirius said, slamming his hand on the door rather hard. I backed away for a moment, then pressed my ear in again when I knew he'd ended his violent outburst. "I mean, that was the most incredible kiss of my life and then she just…just…"

"Go enjoy the party, Sirius. Amy will be there after the break is over. You can't wallow all the time."

I wrapped my arms around my knees, careful not to hug too tightly. The beading would cause discomfort.

Maybe Sirius was just posturing himself in love the way he always seemed to do some of when he liked a girl, but the despair in his voice…

I closed my eyes and sighed.

Why couldn't things just go back to being simple?