Chapter 25
"Tell me about the fairy realm," I asked sweetly, settling back into my seat at the picnic table. "I find myself very interested in what may be my new home."
Rex and Bruno looked at each other. "It's hard to describe," Rex said. "To you, I suppose it would seem surreal, like a dream. Everything there is – fluid - there are no sharp corners, no beginning or end. Fairies do not exist in this form there, but in the light of their being." He sighed at my confused expression.
"What would have to happen for me to be sent there?" I asked, my eyes big and wide.
"Well, things would have to get pretty bad."
"Does it look like they might?"
"It's possible."
I decided to go for sincerity here. "I really hope the Andromedas don't get what they're after. I don't want to leave my family and friends."
"There are two schools of thought as far as the Fae are concerned, Sookie. One is, if the Andromedas take over, the fairies have lost their biggest predator and the source of the dwindling forests. We could possibly prosper, thrive, and grow back to our former numbers or even greater. The other school, the one to which I'm leaning," here Bruno paused and looked at Rex before continuing, "is that the Andromedas are far more evil than humans, even if they don't drain us and destroy nature."
I tried to get some more information out of them, but they clammed up after that. Soon I went to bed, even though it was hard to relax knowing they were outside, awake. I didn't know when or if they slept, but I decided to ask them that another day.
The next few days went by much the same. I managed to get a few valuable nuggets from Bruno; Rex was much less forthcoming. I spent the days working, mostly conferencing with Alcide and Lance. I had to admit Eric was right, staying busy did help.
Friday morning I was awakened to the sound of arguing outside the cabin door. I pulled on my robe and slippers and stumbled out the front door to find Wizno standing on the edge of the moss circle, carrying a large box.
"Fed Ex delivered this for you Miss Sookie," he crowed. "And your goons here won't let me give it directly to you as I was instructed by the Viking."
Bruno walked carefully over to the edge. He inspected the box all over, shook it, smelled it, and kicked it. I rolled my eyes.
"There's a note," he said.
"Read it."
"It says 'Use these to call me, dove. Signed, Your man'," Bruno turned and smiled. Rex guffawed.
My cheeks brightened with color. "Well, bring it here," I said. "I don't think my man sent me a bomb."
The box had about ten prepaid –cell phones in it, and a box of Pauline's hand-dipped chocolate covered cherries. These aren't ordinary confectionary cherries. About the size of fifty-cent pieces, just one filled up the palm of my hand. The nougat was laced with rum, the chocolate creamy and decadent. I had only had one, years ago, as a special treat from Gran; they were terribly expensive. I stared at the huge box, deeply touched by Eric's unexpected romantic gesture.
My cell phone rang. Amelia's voice rang out on the other end, slightly hysterical. "Sookie, tonight's the Pure Cupid party! Wizno said those fairy guards won't let you leave the property and tonight's the party! You have to be here, you're my co-hostess!'
I groaned. I had forgotten all about that stupid party. One of Amelia's so-called buddies from New Orleans had talked her into hosting one of those horrible sales parties, you know, like Tupperware, or Pampered Chef, and the hostess gets gifts in return for having the party at her house. This one is called "Pure Cupid," and features romance type items, from what I understood.
"I'll call Niall and see if he'll let me come down for a couple of hours," I said. I'd really like to skip this thing, but, if I could get out of the cabin for a little while, it might be worth it. It took some finagling to get Niall to agree, but reluctantly he said it would be okay, if he sent extra guards, and I only stayed a little while.
Amelia called me several times, but she was in her element, the way she loved to organize and entertain. Around five I showered and changed into a simple periwinkle skirt and camisole top, with a pair of high heeled sandals. I pulled my hair loosely on top of my head and put on a strand of fresh-water pearls and drop earrings to complete the hostess look.
I found myself looking forward to a break from the current political tension. I could tell from my guards' stare that I looked nice. Rex and Bruno walked me down the hill, I felt like Gwen Stefani on tour, a little silly. The two other guards were already posted by the doors. Wizno walked around the yard talking very fast on a Bluetooth. He had taken a bath for the occasion and put on a white suit. He looked good, but kind of like a crazed Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
I walked in the front door and stopped in my tracks. I don't know what I was expecting – a romance party – sounds like some risqué lingerie, something between Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's of Hollywood, some chocolates, massage oils, a few scented candles, maybe some things like that - but I can tell you what I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting to walk through my front door and see my dining room table – the solid mahogany antique that belonged to my great-great-grandmother on the Stackhouse side, the table where we have Christmas dinner, where I decorated Easter eggs as a child – that table, loaded down with every imaginable sex toy known to man.
Dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, some curved apparatus called a g-spot locator (?), whips, paddles, blindfolds, 'plugs', feathered and leathered - things – and everything, everything, in bright, neon colors, was tied up with ribbons and bows and all covered in glitter. A whole side table held nothing but lotions, creams, lubricants, powders, sprays, and oils. My sideboard held a display of what I can only refer to as brightly-colored multi-media. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. Octavia stood in front of those tables staring at the spread like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I mean, she couldn't take her eyes off of it, she didn't even say 'hey' to me.
Just then this woman I had never seen before, the saleswoman, I presumed, came around the corner. She looked like an aging Pamela Anderson, all bleached blond hair and drawn-on eyebrows and huge fake boobs bursting out of her shirt. "You must be Sookie," she smoldered in this low smoker's voice. "Are you in for a treat."
"Excuse me," I said and went into the kitchen where I found Amelia standing at the sink with a half-empty bottle of Kendall Jackson cabernet in one hand and a wine glass in the other.
"What the hell," I started. She shook her head. "Get that woman and all that garbage out of here."
"I can't Sookie, the party starts in an hour, I've got guests and food prepared. Besides, Dolly in there drove all the way over from New Orleans."
"It's not just a few naughty accoutrements, Amelia. There's how-to manuals, instructional dvd's. I think I saw a copy of Fetishes for Dummies." She stared at me blankly. "It looks like a Hallmark truck crashed into a Triple X adult store out there. The woman hosed down my house with pink and purple porn!" My voice rose a little at this last bit.
She sank down into the kitchen chair and moaned. "I know I know, it's like I ordered a couple of Barbie dolls from Toys R Us and instead UPS delivered all of FAO Shwartz."
I leaned against the counter and folded my arms. I couldn't decide whether to be angry or panicked. "Who's coming, Amelia?"
"Well, there's Arlene, from your work, and a couple of the other waitresses, " she started guardedly, "Tara, your friend Madelyn from Shreveport, Jane Bodehouse, Maxine Fortenberry, that nice lady, what's her name, Barbara, from the library, Maxine's sister and her hairdresser, Kenya the police officer and her mom, your cousin Claudine, the cute girl from CVS who always talks to us and a couple of her friends, and of course Pam." Here she looked at me from under her lashes. I put my face in my hands and groaned. "Who else?"
"Your great-aunt Minnie, and a few ladies she knows from the Bon Temps Nursing Home who don't get out much," she added hastily. I lifted my head and glared at her. Great-aunt Minnie? She was Gran's oldest sister, her only living sibling now that Uncle Bartlett was dead, and no one in the family could stand her, not even Gran. She worked for the phone company back when there were party lines and listened in on the whole town's phone calls. A hateful old gossip, we had been pretty much estranged for years.
"Just cancel the party. I say tell her you didn't understand and cancel it."
"Sookie, it would be rude, I can't. We're just going to have to make it through the evening somehow."
"I'll tell you what's rude," I said. "My grandmother's favorite soup tureen is on that table, filled to the brim with penis-shaped strawberry-flavored lollipops. That's rude."
"Oh, I forgot," she said. "Did you see the dick tacs?"
"Do what?"
"Dick tacs. They're tic tacs shaped like little tiny penises. I think Dolly put them in that Phaltzgraff gravy boat with the turkeys on it, the one you use at Thanksgiving."
My head started to pound.
Right then Dolly walked to the door. "Oh, Sookie, honey, are you nervous about the party?" she asked with a laugh. 'Don't worry, loosen up. Some folks freak out at first but they always come around. Americans need to have a more European attitude towards sex. It's like I tell all my customers; Everybody screws.' "
"Ma'am," I said with as much dignity as I could muster, "We're Baptists."
"Okay Miss 'We're Baptists'," Amelia said, trying to open another bottle of wine. "Why don't you have a couple of shots of Jagermeister and settle down."
"I'm leaving," I said, "and I'm not coming back until all this is over."
"Oh Sookie, there's nothing to worry about," Dolly patted me on the shoulder in a condescending manner. "We at Pure Cupid are very careful to never cross the line between healthy sex and perversion."
About that time I looked through the doorway and watched as Octavia broke out of her trance and reached for something on the table. She held up a pair of velvet covered handcuffs attached by a leather cord to what appeared to be a rhinestone-studded ring.
Time to take charge. "I can see how careful you are," I said. "I've had enough. You need to make a run to the liquor store," I told Amelia, "there's no way you're gonna have enough booze for this."
"And you," I said to Dolly, "You better get those penis pops and dick tacs out of my family's holiday china before Aunt Minnie gets here. That woman will skin you alive."
She stared at me in a haughty manner.
"I'm not kidding, lady." She huffed out.
I resigned myself to play the part and put on an apron. I got busy putting the hors d'oeuvres on plates while Amelia sent Wizno to buy more wine. She began making the punch for the tee-totalers and I continued to get food trays together. After a while I could hear guests starting to arrive. Amelia went out to greet while I took the last of the crab puffs out of the oven and got them on a tray. The kitchen door swung open and I caught a glimpse of the guests in the living room, spotting a couple of walkers and an oxygen tank right before Amelia and Octavia entered the room.
"It looks like a geriatric ward out there," I hissed, pinching Amelia on the arm. "Whoever put the guest list together needs to be bitch-slapped into the next dimension."
"Hey, read the sign," she grumbled and pointed to the fridge. Someone had taped my 'No pinching on Stackhouse Property' note on the door. "It's a small town, I didn't have a lot of choices."
Octavia made an exasperated sound. "Your guests are here, you two need to get out there."
I reluctantly entered my living room behind Amelia. There were women everywhere; covering the furniture and about fifteen or twenty fold up chairs, situated clear into the foyer. I saw Madelyn and Claudine seated next to each other and waved. I wondered how Pam was going to get in past the fairy guards.
When everyone settled Dolly stood in front of the tables in the dinning area and addressed the guests.
"Welcome to Pure Cupid, where we believe every woman has a God-given right to experience all three types of orgasm –." The CVS girls started giggling and I couldn't hear the rest. Amelia punched me in the arm. "What's the third one?" she whispered. "I don't know, I didn't hear her either," I whispered back. "Well, I need to know," she said. "Shut up and listen, we'll have to ask later." We got a couple dirty looks for talking. I sat back in my seat.
That old bat Minnie sat stoically in her purple flowered dress to my right, her hair freshly pin-curled and her purse in her lap. Her nursing home friends flanked her on either side. I leaned over for a perfunctory hug. "Good to see you, Aunt Minnie," I lied, bussing her cheek. "You too Sookie,"she returned insincerely. "Nice party." Amelia chortled.
Dolly went about demonstrating and describing products. Everyone started to loosen up after a bit of awkward questions and nervous laughter. I guess Dolly is right; everybody screws, or, at least, has screwed at some point in the last century. A strange sort of misfit camaraderie set in. Some of the women started broadcasting their wildest sexual experiences and fantasies and my head began to hurt a little more.
Dolly began passing the items around as she explained. With a devilish expression, she handed a jar of nipple-hardening cream to Gracie Oliver, who is at least eighty-five. Gracie, then, of course, turned to me. "What's this for?" she asked. "It's for hardening nipples," Arlene offered helpfully, "or for anything else you might care to …harden." The room tittered. "Put some on me and see if it works," Gracie said, tugging at the hem of her shirt. "Excuse me," I stood up and walked into the kitchen.
That tit monster Dolly followed me as I reached in the fridge and grabbed a beer.
"Oh, Sookie, we try to refrain from serving alcohol until after the demonstrations," she said. "Otherwise, things might get a little hairy." She raised her eyebrows and smiled.
"Look here missy," I retorted, "A, this is my house. And B, you're telling me I have to go back in there and listen to Maxine Fortenberry ask for *** sex tips, but I can't have a Heineken?" I screeched just a little at this point. Amelia then hurried into the room. "Sookie, what's wrong?"
I sat wearily at the table. "Sorry Amelia, it's just that those old ladies are broadcasting all their freaky memories, and it isn't pretty," I confessed. "Some of those women got wild back in the day. Still waters run deep, my friend." She laughed. "You've got to be kidding me," she said. "Those little old women with the gray hair and the bifocals?"
I nodded somberly. "You see that one there with the orthopedic shoes and the elastic support stockings rolled around her ankles?" She nodded. "She's the leader by far. She could teach us all a thing or two, even you, Dr. Ruth," I snarked at Dolly, who rolled her eyes and went back out to the living room.
A small knock at the kitchen door distracted me. Pam stood on the stoop, a black hooded cloak across her shoulders and around her face. "How'd you get past the guards without draining one?" I asked. "I cloaked," she said, indicating her cape. "It's a special garment designed to drown out fairy scent. Eric found them at The Sharper Supe Image dot com."
"Ill go tell Claudine," Amelia said. "She's going to hang outside with the guards while you're here."
"Eric's coming," Pam said without preamble. "What? How?" I stumbled.
"He knew they let you out for tonight and that this house wouldn't be warded so heavily because of the party, "she said. "He'll be here about 10:30. He said for you to meet him upstairs by your old bedroom window. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some shopping to do," She gave me a fangy smile and floated out to the living room.
I became flustered at the idea of seeing Eric, especially on this night. I busied myself serving food and drinks. The party continued to escalate and the women got louder and more raucous as time went on. People started scribbling all over their little order pads.
"Hey, when are those strippers coming in?" Jane Bodehouse asked, openly drinking from her purse flask. "What are you talking about, Jane?" I figured she was already wasted.
"There's a pile of half-naked men outside your house, when are they coming in to strip?" She waved a wad of cash in my face. "I'm ready." The crowd began to hoot and holler.
"Those aren't strippers," I quickly tried to calm everyone down. "They're…" What should I say they are?
"Those are some of Adele's old buddies, aren't they, Sookie?" Minnie asked with an evil expression on her face. "She always liked that ….type." My mouth dropped a bit as I stared at Minnie. She matched my gaze, her eyes intense. What does that old bag know? I filed it away for later. There was simply too much going on in the room to linger on Minnie's actions.
"This would still work on a short man, wouldn't it?" Octavia held up the cock ring contraption she'd been looking at earlier. "I mean, as long as his private parts are normal to large sized," she clarified. I raised my eyebrow at her. She studiously ignored me while waiting for Dolly's response. Upon confirmation, she grinned happily and wrote on her order form.
I sat in Claudine's seat next to Madelyn and grabbed her hand, "Hey, you," I said. She squeezed my palm. "How you doing sweetie?" She returned. "I'm already missing our lunches." We chatted a bit. "You didn't need to drive all the way from Shreveport just to come to this old thing," I said. She laughed. "Oh, honey, I just swung by here on my way home. I've been in New Orleans at the trade shows all week, and boy, did I come up with some finds for you." I smiled. She always made me feel calm and happy.
I checked the clock and saw it was nearly time for Eric. For some reason I became terribly nervous. It had only been a couple of days, but the thought that I couldn't see him had tormented me. I went up the stairs to my old room and opened the window. I stared out it, waited for my vampire. It was a few minutes later when he arrived.
I stood back quickly soon as he came into vision; he slid smoothly in through the frame and shrugged off his cloak in one motion. He gathered me up and laid one on me in true Eric style, leaving me breathless and of course wanting more. "Thank you for the cherries," I said, my voice muffled by his chest. I leaned back and peered at him. He looked terrific in a fitted slate gray tee and darker gray jeans, his eyes taking on the stormy tone of his clothes, his hair wind tossed and loose. He had flown and smelled like the night and outdoors. I wanted to bury myself in him.
"How'd you get past the guards?"
"I didn't. I bribed one," he said. "Fintan is furious that Niall allowed you to have this little shindig. He wants you back at the cabin ASAP."
"Have you learned anything?"
"You know about the leper colony?" he nodded.
"And the Fae splitting against themselves?"
" Yes" he said.
"Fintan and Niall are apparently on different sides, but I think Bruno is on ours." He looked grim. "He thinks Niall had been meeting with the Andromedas for the last few days at Carville."
"It's going to start soon, Sookie, be safe, keep up what you're doing, but be safe. I'm working with the Weres now, trying to get their help, and a few other things. Compton's in Europe still; I'm trying to get in touch with him, see if he can pull some help from over there." I tried to take all this in. He kissed me again, and I sank against him.
Amelia's voice broke through our reverie. "Sookie, we're killing down there, there's already two thousand dollars in orders," she practically skipped into the room.
"Your aunt Minnie's spent half her pension check." I did not want to even try to think about that.
"Oh, hey Eric," she said. "Sorry to disturb you, but your credit's two hundred dollars, Sook. Dolly needs you to put in your order."
My cheeks turned so red I thought they might explode. "Oh, okay, I'll be down in a minute."
Eric regarded me with great amusement. "Why so red my lover," he said. "Tell Amelia what you want."
"Don't tease me, mister," I warned. "I'll sic those women downstairs on you, and they're all so worked up by now they'll probably tear you limb from limb." He continued to smirk.
I took Amelia's arm and walked out the door and around the corner. "Okay, listen, there's a how-to manual for fellatio that's as thick as a bible on the media table," I whispered. "That Kenya's been eyeing it all night long. It's wrapped in plastic, so I couldn't thumb through it. Get me that before she grabs it, and just some oils and stuff, you pick it out." Her face lit up. "Just don't get me any of those weird vibrators, okay? Use your best judgment." She nodded and skittered down the steps. When I rounded back to my room Eric's expression told me he heard everything.
"Thank you for thinking of me, lover. What's so weird about the vibrators?" Eric asked, clearly enjoying himself. "You know, you might need one, if we're going to be separated for much longer…"
"Okay, Eric, you want to know what's weird, you really want to know, well, I'll tell you," I said, exasperated at his continual teasing and more than a little willing to spread my current misery around. "Some of the stuff's real cheap, it comes from China, and there's these two huge vibrators. One's bright blue, and is completely covered in pictures of Papa Smurf, and the other one is neon yellow, and it's covered in Pac Man symbols," here I ran out of gas and slumped down beside him on the windowsill. "I know you all think I'm innocent and prudish sometimes, and some things get lost in translation, but I don't understand. I just don't understand."
Eric looked at me, opened his mouth, and then shut it. I honestly think for once in his life, he did not know what to say. His lips twitched. "That is perhaps the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long, long time," he said.
"I know," I said, gently elbowing him in the ribs. "I can't quit thinking about it. I mean, is Papa Smurf a sex symbol in China? Or do the Chinese think he's a sex symbol here?'" I continued, unrelenting. "And Pac Man," I lifted my hand and made the signature chomping motion in the air with my thumb and forefinger, "Is that supposed to be doing something for me?" I pressed home my point by opening my eyes wide. "Is it?"
Eric's lips twitched harder and then he let go and laughed, a real belly laugh, from deep within, right before he began to roar. I felt the hilarity of the evening bubbling up with in me, and I joined in. We both rocked back and forth, held our stomachs and laughed together, long and hard; we both needed it, and it felt so good. Tears ran down my face and he became quite pink around the eyes too. It took us a few minutes to settle down, still chuckling a little. I leaned against him, my head against his chest as we quieted, the errant giggle escaping here and there.
"Why can't you stay?" I said into his pectorals. "What's stopping us from flying away from here, from all this?"
"We could do that," he returned quietly. "But it would all be waiting when we got back." We sat together for a few minutes before he reluctantly stood up. "I have to go. I just wanted to see you for a moment if I could." I reached for his jeans and unbuttoned them.
"No time," he rasped.
I ignored him, going down on my knees as I pulled his jeans and boxers down with me. I took him all the way in my mouth. He hardened instantly, hitting the back of my throat, his hands buried in my hair and loosening the pins. I pulled forcefully, harder, deeper, faster.
"Sookie," he groaned, "Oh, Sookie, shit, God you're so good. " I continued to suck and move, fondling his balls, swirling my tongue. I grabbed him by the ass with both hands and pulled him in even farther, relaxing my throat more than I had ever known possible. He came with a strangled cry. "You're wasting your credit on that manual," he yelled as he clutched at me.
I stood slowly, and he was ready for me by the time I got up. "It's okay," I murmured, "no time, remember?"
He ignored me then. He stood me in the window frame as he sank to his knees. "I won't leave you like this," he whispered, pulling up my skirt and pushing my panties down. After four hours of sex toy talk and broadcasting, not to mention his kiss and what just happened, I was way past ready. He grunted as his tongue found me, lapping up my overflow of juices and sucking on my already swollen clit. He sucked, swirled and pulled much the way I had done him; I came twice within the space of about three minutes, hard, sobbing climaxes that left me drained.
He stood up regretfully. "I really do hate to go, my dove," he pulled me into his arms and buried his face in my hair. "I so do not want to."
"Why do you call me that now?"
"It suits you," he said simply. His eyes met mine, dark with longing. "Just do it," I said. He ripped from me like a band aid, then, and I gasped with the shock of it. Out the window he went, his cloak fluttering behind him.
I put myself back together and slowly went down the stairs. Octavia was at the bottom, folding up the chairs in the foyer. She gave me a knowing, sarcastic glance.
"Don't look at me like that, brownie humper," I said airily as I sailed past. "Everybody screws." She met my eyes and smiled. A genuine, happy smile. I stopped in my tracks, instantly befuddled. "I'll be damned," I muttered, then grinned big back. She slapped at my behind as I walked by. I went in the kitchen and started washing dishes in an inexplicably cheerful manner. Madelyn, one of the last guests to leave, came up behind me and gave me a hug. "Call me," she said, and I nodded, hugging her back.
The eleven o'clock news drifted in from the living room. "A new flu strain has been identified in the Big Easy," the ubiquitous blond anchor's peppy voice informed. "Doctors are a little surprised by such a late arrival in the season, and seem baffled by the new strain, which they describe as very unusual. There is no shot available yet, though they say they are trying to identify the source of this new development…."
And, just as she walked out the front door, Madelyn gave a small, but significant cough.
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A/N Hee hee, forgive me, I recently attended one of those parties and I had to share my pain. There was no alcohol, but I spent most of the evening sitting in a big old recliner, holding a paper plate full of seven-layer dip and sausage balls and laughing my ass off. And yes, the room was full of geriatric patients; they were the most fun of all.
Anyhow, Charlaine's next book is out next week and I'm needing some encouragement here. Kinda scared the real story will have developments that make my current one lame. So, if you like it, and want me to go on, please review! I hate to sound needy, but I expected to have been finished by now, so, I guess I'm a little concerned. Need a new attitude. You guys are great, I'm still on target with the diet, everybody keep the faith, happy Friday and have a great weekend :) Misscyn
PS If you want to read the family history behind 'dove' and 'Everybody screws' check out my profile, it's the 4/25 post...