November flew by. After I agreed to join the Order, Dumbledore and I had regular meetings. He taught me how to protect my thoughts and how to get information to him. I had gone into this thinking that I wouldn't be able to provide anything of use to the Order; that I would just be putting myself in more danger needlessly. But after each meeting with Dumbledore, I felt stronger and more prepared. He also helped with my depression. He knew I was going to have to do some things I wasn't proud of but he assured me that it was all for the greater good. I was beginning to think that maybe I had a chance of surviving this war.
"You've been happier lately." Remus noted. We were sitting on the couch just relaxing together.
"I've just been thinking lately. What if we both make it through this war?" I smiled at Remus. "I could maybe be Mrs. Lupin." Remus coughed and scratched his head.
"What?" He nervously chuckled. I rolled my eyes.
"Calm down Remus. I don't expect a ring tomorrow." I shrugged. "Maybe we won't get married. Maybe we'll just live together. Or not. But if we both survive? We'll at least be able to make those choices." That's all I had ever wanted anyway. The ability to choose.
"I guess I wouldn't hate living with you." Remus laughed and pulled me into a kiss. "You'd be nice to look at at least." I giggled and shoved his shoulder.
"You are so charming." A knock on the window pulled me away from him. I opened the window and received the note that was attached to one of the school owls. I quickly scanned the note and sighed. Dumbledore wanted to see me right away. "I've got to go. Meeting with someone." I placed a light kiss on his lips and walked as quickly as I could to the Headmaster's office. I said the password and ascended the spiral staircase.
"Come in." Dumbledore's voice sounded before I could even knock. I walked in and sat in the chair in front of his desk. He looked pensive so I didn't speak. Finally he looked at me over his fingertips. "I have been putting something off Evelynn. Something that I knew you needed to hear, but that I didn't want to tell you. But I believe now I can wait no longer."
"What it is sir?" I was confused.
"You are becoming quite skilled at protecting your thoughts. But my dear the Dark Lord will be more than you can handle. Not only that, but it will be suspicious if you protect your thoughts from him." He paused and looked out the window. "I once told you that love was the strongest force in the world." I nodded remembering the conversation. "Evelynn love can also be the most dangerous power. I fear some of your relationship will be putting you and others in danger if the Dark Lord were to find out. It is for that reason I must implore you to end them now." My breath caught. He knew about Remus. I saw it in his eyes. He wanted me to end it. "I believe sooner rather than later would be easier." He whispered after I stayed silent.
"What do you know?" I snapped. "The Dark Lord may not care at all what I'm doing! I'm not his right hand person or anything! I've already lost my brother to this war. Now you want me to give this up to? I won't!" I jumped from the chair and paced. "I can't." I mumbled.
"I do not ask you to do this lightly Evelynn. Please know that I'm only asking for what I know you can do and what MUST be done." Tears spilled from my eyes as I looked at him again.
"Won't he still be in danger if the Dark Lord sees my memories?" I whisper as I fall ungracefully back onto the chair.
"Indeed he will be." Dumbledore stood and walked to a cabinet. He opened the doors and pulled a small stone basin from inside. There were runes carved into the sides. He placed the basin into my hands. "So you must forget him. Forget it all Evelynn and save him." His hand closed over mine in what I assume was supposed to be a comforting measure. But instead my blood ran cold. He wanted me to forget?
"Do not worry. I do not want you to forget the moments you have had forever." I looked up at him. "This is a pensieve. It will hold your memories. You will be able to revisit them. But it will be safer to have them out of your head." I nodded sadly. I had hoped the memories would be able to comfort me in the coming war. But it seemed that I would not even have that small joy.
"Thank you Professor. I will do as you ask." I stood and took the pensieve with me. I slowly walked back to my dorm, dreading seeing Remus again. The words of Dumbledore hung heavy on my heart as I came back to the common room. I clutched the pensieve to my chest. However, Remus wasn't where I had left him on the couch. I sunk into my room and hid the pensieve in my trunk. Then I returned to reading on the couch. I must have fallen asleep because I woke to Remus shaking me.
"Wake up love." He whispered, his lips brushing my forehead.
"Whyyyy?" I mumbled and turned over. He laughed and scooped me up into his arms.
"Because darling." He said nuzzling my neck. "It's time for dinner." I giggled and squirmed in his arms at his actions.
"I'd rather just sneak down to the kitchens later with you." I said snuggling into his chest. He laughed.
"Ok princess. Then that's what we'll do."
The days passed quickly. The pensieve lay in my trunk, mostly forgotten. I say mostly because I knew it was there, I just chose to ignore it and the weight it represented. I knew Professor Dumbledore wanted me to end it sooner than later but I couldn't. Ever kiss I cherished and I didn't have it in me to end the only thing that made me happy.
"I'll miss you." I said as I kissed Remus goodbye one last time. We were alone in the prefects compartment riding home for Christmas break.
"Two weeks. Then I'll be back." He kissed my nose and smiled. "Two weeks is nothing babe. You'll hardly even notice it." We kissed once more before departing. I met Regulus and his parents on the platform. My parents were "otherwise engaged", meaning they were on a mission for the Dark Lord, so I was to stay with the Black's until they returned. No one knew how long they would be gone. I didn't really care.
Most of my stay was uneventful. The Dark Lord was staying somewhere else for the holidays (how considerate of him), so the house was less dark and depressing than it had been last time I was here. Regulus and I spent a fair amount of time playing wizarding chess and reading. Our friendship that had once been so close was strained now.
"I've missed this." I said one day when we were playing a game of wizarding chess.
"What? Missed getting your arse whipped in chess?" He said quietly as his knight took my rook.
"No you cheeky git. I've missed just us." I shrugged. "We never really hang out anymore." I looked at him sadly and pushed some hair from his face. "I miss my best friend."
"I miss you too." He sighed. "Things are just different now." I nodded.
"I know." And we sat in silence, knowing that nothing would be the same as it had once been ever again.
I shifted uncomfortably in my dress. It was a light silver that hugged my curves. Tonight was the New Year's Ever party. I had a sinking feeling all day getting ready for it. I had been lucky in avoiding the Dark Lord for most of break; I wasn't so naïve as to believe I wouldn't see him tonight. A knock sounded on my door. My parents had returned a few days before and I had been home ever since. I answered to see my mother standing there. She nodded her head in approval and we walked to the sitting room to floo to the party. I looked at both of my parents. Whatever they had been doing had not been easy. They both looked worse for the wear. My mother who had always been slender now seemed to be unhealthy. My father looked haggard with bags under his eyes and his hair slightly unkept. But they said nothing of it as we flooed to the Malfoy manor. I brushed myself off and quickly found Regulus.
We spent most of the evening dancing and talking to others from school. I thought maybe my bad feeling had been an overreaction. Maybe I would be so lucky as to not see the Dark Lord all of break. But of course I thought that too soon.
"Friends! What a wonderful evening." The Dark Lord spoke. Where he had come from I had no idea. "Gather round! I have brought our new recruits a present!" We all gathered around leaving a large space in the middle. The new recruits all pushed to the front. And I almost got sick all over the Malfoy's white marble floor.
"My treat to you! This piece of filth is a muggle. She has been trying to seduce a young pureblood wizard. And that just won't do." A twisted smile graced his face. Bellatrix cackled. On the floor at our feet was a trembling, dirty, scared girl. Tears flowed from her eyes and dirt was caked on her body. She looked to be around my age. She was pleading to be let go but it was obviously falling on deaf ears.
"My Lord you are to kind." Bellatrix purred. She really is insane. She held up her wand and pointed it at the girl. "Crucio." I closed my eyes as her screams pierced the room. After what felt like forever Bellatrix let up the curse. Others joined in sending various curses her way.
"Stop!" I finally screeched. The room instantly stopped. The only sound was that of the girl sobbing on the floor.
"Excuse me?" Bellatrix asked. "Stop? This FILTH is getting what she deserves!" I gulped. I could see the Dark Lord from the corner of my eye twirling his wand. I knew I was toeing a line here and had already put myself in danger.
"You think giving this piece of filth even a second thought is what she deserves?" I chose my words carefully. I scoffed. "I wouldn't want to waste my magic on it." I sneered down at her. I moved my dress out of her reach when she reached towards me.
"What would you do then?" The Dark Lord asked. I looked him in the eyes for the first time ever.
"Kill it my Lord. One less thing to worry about." I held my breath.
"Do it then." I froze for a second. Then, mechanically, I turned to the girl. I looked at her. Her blonde hair was sticking to her face. Her eyes were red from crying.
"H-h-help me." She whispered, her voice cracking from the screaming she had been doing. I looked her in her eyes. I hope she knew I was helping her the only way I could.
"Avada Kedavra." Green shot from my wand and the now glassy eyes of the girl stared at me.
"Well done…" The Dark Lord said looking at me waiting for my name.
"Evelynn Strauss my Lord." I whispered bowing slightly. I felt like I had died with the girl. The following compliments and congratulations were lost to me. I was in a haze. Somehow I made it home with my parents who were beaming with pride. I blindly made my way to my room where I finally got sick. Hanging my head over the toilet I let the tears fall as I emptied my stomach. I pulled my hair and screamed. I lay on the floor for who knows how long. Finally, still feeling numb, I pulled myself into my room. I stumbled to my trunk and pulled the pensieve from inside. I spent the rest of the night pulling all memories of Remus from my mind.