Beca (Group Chat Bellarmy) - Gonna be moving my stuff into my new apartment at the weekend before classes start, any of you guys gonna be up?
Chloe saw the message and felt light headed, giddy, read it again, maybe more than once and disliked how happy she had felt in the first place. The prospect of even a chance to see Beca made her so happy, so happy it made her sick. She should be angry, angry beyond belief but darn if she isn't. Beca isn't going out with him, okay, the Facebook thing just didn't happen. Okay. It was some glitch in the universe because Beca wouldn't be so dumb to go out with Jesse. Jesse's not a bad guy, Chloe's not saying that. But the fact is Beca loves her. Beca had said she was falling for her. That's the same thing. Almost. No not almost, Beca wasn't going to be a someone she almost had. She will have her. Be hers. Close enough. So it can't have been real. And she'll just get it all straightened out when she sees Beca. Because she will see Beca. Eventually. It will all be just fine and dandy. Chloe's sure it's not the medication she's been taking again, that calms her, sends her to a happy medium, the happy high she was feeling right now was all Beca. The happy made her sad. Beca making her happy. Not the lit jay beside her in her ashtray, not the pills buried and hidden in her draw. Only Aubrey would know where to look. Aubrey's not exactly giving a shit about her right now. Right? Aubrey's busy with her own life, said she would never be blind to Chloe's pain again after Lana. Aubrey had her own shit she was going through then, but Aubrey was happy now. Right? Aubrey had no drama, so why wasn't she there for her? Did Aubrey hate Beca that much that she wouldn't have anything to do with any of what Chloe was going through? Why did Aubrey even hate Beca so much?
Stacie (Group Chat Bellarmy) - We're here, missed you Beca, can't wait to hang out. How was your Christmas?
Ashley (Group Chat Bellarmy) - Let us know if you need me, I'll be right over to help you move in, I'm sure Jessica will too. :D xx
Jessica (Group Chat Bellarmy) - Love to, hope you had a great Christmas! xx
Beca (Group Chat Bellarmy) - Wow thanks you weird awesome nerds! Yeah sweet ass Christmas, hope yous all did too.
Stacie (Group Chat Bellarmy) - Welcome bro! Provide the drinks and I'll make it a party.
Beca (Group Chat Bellarmy) - Come at me, be great to see you all.
Fat Amy (DM to Beca) - I thought after you left Chloe wet and unsatisfied and Facebook officialled with radio shack boy that you wouldn't be wanting to be a part of the Bella's anymore. What gives Mitchell?
Air.
Air?
Beca and air are no longer friends. No longer passing acquaintances. Blocked. Unfollowed.
It took her a few big gulps to regain the oxygen to make her brain work again. Who the fuck had Chloe been telling? What had Chloe been telling whoever the fuck she'd been talking to? Aubrey. Had to be right? Right. Fuck. Fuck. It's all gonna start again. Just like high school. Fuck. And then her dad will find out and this, her sweet ride, her is all over.
Maybe she wants it to be all over?
Why else hadn't she just quit the Bellas?
Beca wanted Chloe. Would stay with Jesse.
Beca could fuck about with Chloe, right? Have both?
Chloe and her, falling in love or not, were never going to be a couple. So yeah. Totally. They could fuck about behind his back. That would be better than nothing.
Beca had to go on like nothing was the matter. Nothing was different. Nothing had changed.
Normal.
Whatever normal fucking was.
Sure as shit wasn't her and Chloe.
Normal was her and Jesse.
She likes him. She does. He's sweet, kind, he's got a cute smile and strong arms that block out the world when she's laying in them. And she is happy when she's with him. Or she tells herself she is enough times that she forgets that she isn't and she just exists.
What reaction was Beca expecting off any of them? Off Chloe? She did want a reaction. Any reaction. No. Yes? No she didn't. A huge big blow up could fuck her entire life up but a part of her didn't care. A part of Beca wanted the big argument, wanted to self destruct.
Wanted Chloe to be there to rescue her from the ashes.
But then where would they be?
Where would she be?
Not at Barden.
They wouldn't be together if that happened. Wouldn't be together no matter what.
They would never work.
Ever.
Her and Chloe.
She's totally not even thinking about her and Chloe being a couple. Beca can't let herself even think about a remotely domesticated version of her and Chloe. There's just no way that's ever going to happen nor work.
She has Jesse. Jesse is what she needs. Chloe is what she wants.
Fuck. No.
She was with Jesse now.
Normal.
She had actually been passing her classes and so her dad had rewarded her like he said he would, with her own place. He said he would cover her. Bills, rent, the whack. Jesse really must have made a good impression over the Christmas break with her old man. They must have made a convincing couple, and damn it, why wouldn't they? They were the couple, she never even was an actual thing with Chloe, that was just a dumb u-turn on the road down her life. Barden wasn't going to be forever. Jesse wouldn't be forever. Jesse was convenient. For now.
And soon Barden would be her past. Jesse would be in her past.
Chloe would be a memory.
But she wanted to make more with her now. More to try and forget all about. Later.
Ones that she would eventually stop thinking about.
And Chloe is still a lot of what she thinks about.
First thing when she woke up.
Last thing before sleep took her in it's cold grasp.
Past.
Memory.
Then why did just thinking about Chloe. The potential of seeing her. Make her heart beat faster.
Past.
Memory.
They could never work. Never. They would be a disaster. Utter.
Make her life a misery. Jesse didn't have that power to destroy her. Chloe did, so she couldn't, wouldn't let her. Beca would rather destroy Chloe. Be a painful sad memory to Chloe. Better than nothing. At least then she would have meant something to someone.
Shoot first.
Think never.
Look out for number one right, Mitchell?
She never woke up with a master plan to hurt those around her. Honest. Or not. She just didn't want to be the one hurt. So yeah maybe she did think about it, a bit, pretend she didn't, cause admitting that would mean she's fucked in the head, a little, right? And she wasn't going to admit that. Fuck. She's hurt by her own actions enough never mind starting to really think how her actions effect those around her. If she started down that path she would crumble under the utter shitty mess that is her life. Plough on forward. No other way. Forward. Don't look back. Don't look down, just straight ahead, how it effects her. That's all she can do. Look out for number one, Mitchell.
Beca (DM to Fat Amy) - typing as Beca typed and retyped over and over a reply to Fat Amy but didn't know what to write, how to deflect, to deny or confirm or? She needed to do it fast before he came back with drinks and could potentially see her phone. He wouldn't do that, but he could accidentally see and that was a no go. What could she say? What? She didn't know what? Chloe was doing the same in the group message.
Chloe stared at her thumbs, at the screen, through the screen.
She tried to picture where Beca was, who she was with. Tried to stop picturing Beca lying beside her. Looking up at her. Destructive eyes. Dark eyes. Begging for her. For Chloe to give her release. Pushed that away. And knew where Beca was. Just gosh darn knew. Dammit. Him.
Jesse.
Had to be.
Right?
It's late.
She re-reads the conversation between the Bellas in the chat. Beca probably isn't at Barden. Not yet. Was she at her fathers? Was she staying with Jesse? Was she crashing at the dorms still until she moved into her own place?
Chloe could throw on an old sweater, jeans, some chucks and be there in no time. Drive by and see if a light was on. If it was then what? Go up and knock. And?
And what?
If Beca was there? What?
What would Chloe even do if she seen her? What if she saw them together? No. That was a glitch in the universe and just wasn't real. Wouldn't be real until she saw it with her own eyes. Beca and Jesse. Together. Wouldn't be real until Beca told her it was herself. With her own mouth. That mouth that she wants to kiss. Can still feel Beca's lips on her own. Beca's lips on her ear, fuck she really liked that. Beca's lips on-
Chloe squeezed her phone in her hand so hard it hurt. She liked that? Yeah she kinda did. She hated that she felt. Anything.
Chloe reached across, opened her draw, fumbled, until her hand curled around it, what she was searching for, a pop, lid open, they fell into her hand, slow, she felt them in her palm, palm at the mouth, they stuck to her tongue, she dry swallowed, hard, gone, and soon she would be.
Needed to be numb.
If she could be with Beca right now she would what?
Chloe would what?
Chloe couldn't think about that. Wouldn't let herself.
Numb.
Tapped a few more pills into her palm.
Mouth.
Swallow.
Dry.
Chloe shook the bottle, darn it not many left, may as well. Palm. Mouth. Swallow.
Numb.
Gone.
Not be here. This plain of existence where she was so fucked up that she was happy to see a message off of Beca. That was wrong. She knows. She was happy, heart beating, thrumming, a hum in her chest it was that fast.
Numb.
Wanted to not feel Beca. Wanted to not remember what Beca felt like. Wants to feel Beca, now. Wants to forget. Herself. Beca.
Chloe wanted Aubrey curled up in bed with her, head on Aubrey's chest. Bree's steady breaths calming her. Like they always would. Always did. Her arms holding her. Shutting the world out. Safe. Always safe in her best friends arms. But they had barely spoken. Aubrey was busy with the Bellas. Aubrey had Stacie. Now. Not her. Girlfriend was trumping best friend. Now.
All Chloe had is gone.
All Chloe has is now.
Aubrey is gone.
Chloe wanted to hate Jesse, she just didn't. She felt the hate she wanted to feel for him focusing instead on Beca. She didn't want to hate her either. She just needed to see her. Now. Dang it. Now and it frustrated her that she couldn't. She didn't even know where her new apartment was. Suspended in mid air, with no where to fall and no one to catch her. Chloe was lost.
Was she with him when she sent that message? Would he move in with her? Why was it so easy to be public with Jesse and not her? Why him and not her? No, Chloe knew. Beca blamed her family. She was deep in the closet, or not. Was Beca even gay, even bisexual. Anything. Was Beca just into her? She didn't give a shit about labels. Not really. Who cares? When Beca is with her, she's with her. That's all that matters. But Chloe would like to share how much she's fallen for Beca with their friends. She wants to share her love for Beca with the world. Shout it from the rooftops. Not literally. No. She would do it literally. For Beca. But Beca, for as cocky and flirty she can be when they text, however rare that is, and how Beca can be when it's just the two of them, all swagger, winks, and smirks, when it get's real. When Chloe gets serious, Beca is nervous, and yeah darn it, making Beca all nervous and shaky is fucking hot too, there's a part, a big part of Beca that Chloe feels retreating. Like Beca is a lot of talk and not much follow through. Big mouth, small on the action. Chloe's breathing came out in short bursts, as she realised she was crying. Fuck Beca for bringing her to tears. Fuck Beca for still holding that power over her. She just wanted to not love her. She wanted to not hate her. She wanted to be indifferent to Beca. For Beca to not bring out any strong emotions out of her. One way or the other. For her to not give a shoot either way about Beca. But she did. You can't choose who you love. If she could she wouldn't pick fucking Beca fucking Mitchell.
Chloe (Group Chat Bellarmy) - typing
"Leave." Aubrey spoke through clenched teeth, back to the group. Hand on her hip. Eyes shooting bullets into Beca's eyes.
"What?"
"How..." Aubrey held in an expletive "How dare." Aubrey voice was hushed. But venom dripped from her words. Everything she really wanted to say to Beca was in each polite word she fired at her. "You turn up here," Aubrey had seen Beca enter the auditorium and went straight over, wanting to cut her off before Chloe could even see her. "really? I don't want to make a scene, for her sake. Okay." Stated, not asked. "And I don't want to see you here, or anywhere near Chloe again. Leave. Now."
"Oh hey... guys," Amy stood, waved. "It's Beca."
Beca waved back, small, wide eyes. Then a smirk. Slowly formed across her face as she side glanced past Aubrey then walked around her. Beca wouldn't be intimidated. Dammit. Not by her. Not by Aubrey. Aubrey hated her regardless. Fuck knows why. So no. Aubrey wouldn't be stopping her seeing Chloe.
Aubrey could pretty much fuck right off. This wasn't easy for her. None of this. To be in the same room as Chloe. She could have, probably should have just quit the Bellas. But she didn't. She was a glutton for punishment? Beca felt wrong. Knew this was wrong. She just had to see Chloe. Okay. Then why couldn't she? She just, fuck, she didn't know what, she was mainly on auto-matic. She was meant to go there, she may have been a little, a lot, scared that everyone would figure her out, that Jesse would figure it all out and then she wouldn't even have him to lean back on. So she followed her routine. Classes. Bellas. Her job. Jesse. Classes. Bellas. Her job. Jesse. Classes. Bellas. Her job. Jesse.
A list of rules she was set to blindly follow. On automatic. Do the same thing every day to get to her fucked up dreams. Dream big or go home, right? Mitchell.
And she could. Do it.
Make her dreams a reality.
Beca saw crystal clear her future. Saw it. Heard it. Sound and vision.
She wasn't chasing fame. She was climbing uphill to get to the top of her game. And she didn't want to play the game. She would be the game.
But until then.
Normal.
Jesse.
Until she could reach her dreams. And she could. She was talented. Determined. Driven.
Chloe wasn't worth jeopardising that.
Right?
Right.
Chloe didn't mean anything to her.
Mantra to tell herself over and over.
Chloe wasn't anything.
"You got our new set on there?" Ashley asked.
"Actually." Beca said, putting her laptop down on the table, a small nod, and a modest smile. Keeping it together as every nerve in her body was pumping adrenaline. Ready to fight. She could feel her knees shaking, and she forcibly unclenched her fists. Where did that surge come from? Fucking Aubrey. "I do."
"Ooh give us a listen, please please please." Jessica was up out her chair, clapping.
Aubrey followed Beca, stood back at the front of the group next to the white board. She tried to shoot Chloe an apologetic look but found Chloe's eyes on Beca. How could Chloe be so... so? Fucking much of a pushover. Chloe should be the one throwing Beca out. Chloe could have walked out and Aubrey would have followed, but Chloe just watched Beca. With intent. With. What? Aubrey couldn't read Chloe right now. And that just, fucking perplexed and annoyed the shit out of her.
Had her and Chloe really grown so far apart in such little time?
And if so, it was all her fault. Shit. Aubrey pushed the guilt to the back of her mind.
Beca smiled, coy, brushed her hair behind her ears, and sat.
Beca breathed steady. Forcibly so. She could keep her shit together. She could.
Chloe.
That damn red head.
Why did she even like her? What the shit was it about her that made her feel physically sick. In the worst way. Like she couldn't breathe and could, like no really actually faint? She was just a person. Chloe is just, no Chloe is never fucking ever just anything. But she is. Chloe is nothing. Chloe is nothing to her.
Chloe was wrong. He was right.
Then why couldn't Beca breathe a normal fucking steady breath without thinking about it since walking in. Into the same room as her. Chloe.
That damn red head.
Beca would not let Chloe hurt her. Walls up. Fuck she should just go. She's still surprised she is there. That she had the courage to go and actually walk into the same room as Chloe. But Chloe was right, Beca was happy when she was with her. Near her. Same. Beca is surprised that Aubrey hasn't just laid her the fuck out, or dragged her out. Maybe she was hoping that would happen. Drama. That Aubrey would force her to never come back so it didn't have to be her decision to quit. Fuck, Beca knows she's good at letting others control her life, she knows she's weak and all kinds of pathetic. Come on Aubrey just fucking do it. Beca sneaks a glance at Aubrey, daring, but Aubrey's eyes are on Chloe. Or where she thinks Chloe is.
Beca hadn't even been able to just fucking look across at Chloe. Yet. Yet? Could she? Even?
She's just a person.
"Okay, okay..." Beca pressed play.
"Words that I made up, you say my name like words that I made up, you say your name like words that I-"
"See I thought CR-" Beca started, talking over the track.
"Oh yeah, I got that." Cynthia sat back, arms folded, smug. And rightly so. The Adele part kept going under the next bit, layered on top, as The Arcade Fire started.
"People say that your dreams are the only things that save ya. Come on baby in our dreams we can live our misbehaviour."
"And that's like, totally up to you," Beca glanced at Aubrey, wanted to relinquish some semblance of control of the situation back to Aubrey. She's not sucking up. Honest. She's just sorta really a lot thankful that Aubrey's not throwing her out, and letting her play her track. Beca does want to be there. With them. Shut up. She does, but she found Aubrey's eyes still on Chloe. Her Chloe. Chloe that she still couldn't look at. Chloe was wrong. He was right. "...who sings that." Beca said quickly, allowing them to listen to the mix as it continued.
"Every time you close your eyes lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes lies, lies! Every time you close your eyes lies, lies!" then layered on top of that, on top of both was a recording of Beca rapping.
Aubrey cocked her head, she liked the mix. Dammit. She didn't like the way Chloe was smiling. A lot. It wasn't real. Aubrey knew Chloe too well to know a fake smile. And that was it. Fake. What had Aubrey missed. She wanted to ask Chloe, had wanted to ask Chloe, be there for Chloe since Stacie had told her about Beca's downward spiral, and she could see that Chloe was in a total mess of her own. Wished she could go back and help and be there for Chloe over the holidays. For all of this. For everything with Beca. Aubrey couldn't. But she could be there for her now. Stacie, well she would just have to understand. Stacie wasn't going to cost her Chloe. Chloe wouldn't cost her Stacie. They were separate. Could be. Aubrey could have it all.
Chloe was zoned out. Complete. Trying to focus on Beca being there. And not jumping up and doing something, anything about it. About Beca. She was crumbling inside. Refused to show it. Hoped Aubrey wasn't looking, taking notice of her. Aubrey would always know. Could tell. When Chloe was genuinely happy. Today. Now. Was not one of those times. Chloe thought she was ready. No. That was a lie she had told herself to get out the house. Get herself to the rehearsal. She couldn't even believe that lie any more. She lied to herself about Beca all the time.
"I just wanna get you home and uh, uh, uh, uh, oh. Yes, I'm drinking whiskey, baby I am gone tonight, NBC is not the only thing I'm cumming on tonight. Gross, why the fuck I say these things? It isn't over, haven't heard the chubby lady sing. Everybody hate me, call a wigga Chris Rock. These weak niggas always in your face like Raybans. Yes, I bring the heat, girl, fire, fireman. Baby, I'm your hero, Beca for Spider-Man."
"It makes me sick, Bec, I know it can't be, it just can't be real between you two."
Chloe had hung back at the end of the rehearsal. Everyone had headed out, Cynthia off to a class, Jessica off to music theory, Ashley helping her carry all her books, Donald had stopped by to pick up Lily for lunch, Flo had picked Stacie up to drive them over to the lab, Fat Amy had asked Beca to lunch for a good old catch up, Beca had said sure, but she had some shit to finish off here and that she would meet her over at the cafe by the station in a half hour, so Amy had left, and she told Aubrey she would join her at the gym. Later. Aubrey had tried to hang back, darn it, Chloe needed to speak to Beca. Alone. Aubrey was still probably out there in the parking lot. Waiting for her.
Chloe hoped she was. A bit. It would be fantastic to spend some alone time with Bree. Just them two. It would be the first time since before. Chloe couldn't go there. Remember that night. Nobody. Stacie nor Aubrey had spoken about it. To her at least. She didn't know what they had said to one another. What Aubrey had or hadn't told Stacie about her. Their past. Their friendship. Darn it their lives together. Her and Aubrey just were. Long. Complicated. But always were. Her and Aubrey. Together. No matter what or who. Together.
"It...it is." Beca lied. To Chloe? To herself? All she felt passed her lips now we're lies, she hadn't said anything remotely true since she told Chloe she was hers. And fuck that's even a lie. Because she's like technically with Jesse now. Beca couldn't but she did look at Chloe. Looked up at Chloe's legs, her waist, travelled up her body, from her position in her seat. She wanted Chloe to sit down with her. Talk. Maybe. Fuck. She just needed to be alone with Chloe. There was no real plan or thinking behind staying back, okay. It just happened.
Shoot first.
Think never.
It fucking hurt that she was lying. Hurt her to see the pain increase in Chloe's features. Fuck everything hurt. She was fed up of feeling nothing but shit. But she brought every shit storm on herself. She's not dumb. Beca knows this. But she still hits the big red self destruct button each and every time. What the actual shit is wrong with her?
"What? Because you're one of those a cappella girls and he's one of those a capella boys? So what Bec? It's inevitable?"
"If things, if... if a lot of things were different then yeah... I could see us together. You and me. But it's-"
"-Don't! Don't say that. That makes it worse. Tell me there's no chance in hell we would ever be together. Tell yourself that. Believe that then come back and tell me we aren't meant to be together."
"There is no fate."
"...but what we make for ourselves." Chloe finished Beca's whisper. Then laughed. Loud. Incredulous. A cock of her head, hands on her hips. "Congratulations you've seen The Terminator."
"Not..." Beca looked away, down. At her hands in her lap. "...all of it..."
"Why? Did you two," Chloe hesitated as the image swam in her head of what she was about to say "... did you and him...fuck." Chloe tried to search out, connect with Beca's eyes. Beca's stared at the floor. "...whilst that played on the tv in the background, thanks for that visual Beca." Beca remained silent. Chloe waited for a denial she knew wasn't coming. Hoped to God it was. Anything for Beca and Jesse to not be together, for it to be all some big joke. "You're not even... you're not even denying it!"
"Chlo-"
"-Don't. Have you fucked him?" Chloe's question was met with silence. "Of course! Of course you have... do-do you love him?" Chloe turned away from Beca, hands on her forehead, palms pressed in hard, trying to stave off the headache shooting through her synapses. "Of course, you're his," Chloe swallowed. Hard. Mouth dry. She spat the word out. Wishing Beca was hers. "...girlfriend-"
"-No." Beca stood then, turned Chloe to face her. "No." Beca repeated. Firm. "Chlo..." Hands on Chloe's shoulders. Chloe was shaking.
And all Beca wanted to do is kiss Chloe.
And all Chloe wanted to do is hit Beca.
"Why didn't you ask any of us to come out tonight?"
Beca ran her hand through her hair. A shrug. She didn't have an answer for Stacie.
"I-I dunno..."
"They didn't reject you when you came into rehearsals yesterday, right?"
"I-I guess..."
"And you wanna know why?" You think everyone in there knows your business?" Beca shrugged in response. "Fuck them," Stacie smiled as Beca gave a small laugh. "They don't know shit. We all could've done with a Bella night out, y'know. I could've at least."
"That's-Stacie, thanks, but that's-it's just... different. I couldn't have everybody, fuck, any body there who would know, y'know? But I've-I just have to," Stacie nodded, hummed her understanding. "I'd go crazy if I-You know the songs I sing up at the bar are..." Hand running down over her face.
"Yeah, Chloe. What's happening there? Aren't you and Jesse...?"
"Yeah, yeah we're-" A shrug. "...we're," A sigh. "Jesse," A small nod. "...yeah."
"Sorry I asked, you don't need to explain anything to me."
"No-no I've-you're the only one I can talk to... which is so fucked up!" Beca saw the small confused look Stacie sent her way. "Aubrey. Aubrey and Chloe."
"So... what was that about back at the bar?" Stacie chose to ignore that, she didn't want to think of Aubrey and Chloe in the same sentence. "Don't think I didn't catch a song or two."
"You hid in the back? Fuck. Stacie." Both hands covered Beca's face now. She slinked back down hard into the passenger seat. She turned a little, and took her hands away, looked out the window, and only found darkness. Her reflection stared back at her.
"Well you did ring me. So yeah. I did."
"To pick me up, not..."
"How much you drank bro?" Beca shrugged, pressed her head further down, against the window, watching her breath spread out against the window. "What I saw, Beca, fuck, you broke my heart."
"Fuck you." Beca muttered. Not in a harsh way, in a, shit you've totally got me figured out way. Deflecting.
"No, really... Wicked Game, I mean if Chloe heard that, if Jesse heard that, fuck, you'd be in trouble. He'd be dumb to not figure out that it's not about him, that you're so totally still-"
"-Don't say it-" Beca struggled but sat back up. Hair fell over her face, she made no attempt to move it out of her face. Liking the way it hid her eyes, not that Stacie was looking at her what with driving, but it still made her feel more invisible. A barrier.
"-That you're in love with her?"
"Am. Not. Never was."
"Sure sure, so you want me to drop you off at yours or… or at his... or…" The or, the final or was the Bella house, was Chloe.
"Umm..." Beca knew the answer. Stacie knew the answer.
"...Or it is."