A love lost and loves sacrifice.
Chapter 25
Can we start again?
Kathryn Janeway sat alone in one of the secluded sections of Sandrine's bar in France. It was only 1pm French time and Kathryn hadn't felt the need to give in to the call for alcohol and so she was staring at the coffee mug in front of her. She was deep in thought with a slightly conflicted look in her eyes; she had felt this way for the last six months. For Kathryn Janeway nothing had felt right over those six months and she was getting even more agitated as time when on. She was so agitated and lost in thought that she hadn't seen the tall dark man who had come and sat at a table nearby and had been watching her silently for the last five minutes. With his own conflicted look on his face he slowly stood and walked in front of her silently but just enough to block the light from the window over where she sat. She barely tilted her head upwards before she closed her eyes slowly and simply she said, "You're blocking my light."
He smile at her with his dimples showing, she always had a way of making him happy even when she was annoyed with him, "is this seat taken?" he asked her calmly gesturing to the seat across the table from her.
"Not the last time I checked." She replied warmly but without looking at him.
"It's been a while," he told her as he sat down and looked deep into her eyes.
"A few months." She stated calmly as she raised her mug to take a sip and allowed her blue eyes to flash up to meet his jet black ones. She saw then the pain that had been etched across his face in the last six months since she had seen him. His hair looked greyer, it was no longer black with a sprinkle of distinguished grey it was grey clinging on to the last bits of black. His tattoo above his left eye looked darker and stood out far more than Kathryn had ever remembered it being. As she watched him over her coffee mug she allowed her eyes to lock with his and her heart fluttered, she loved this man, she had since the first moment he appeared on her view screen all those years ago in his full angry Maquis glory.
"I missed you." He whispered as he watched her slowly lower her coffee mug to the table and look away from him.
"You walked away from me." she reminded him coolly. "When you stopped answering my comm call's I gave up after a while." She wasn't annoyed, she was more sad than annoyed.
With a heavy and pained sigh he nodded and agreed, "I know, I didn't know what to say."
"So you ignored me?" she hissed.
"I was confused." He told her in such a heavy sad voice that Kathryn looked up at him and couldn't stay angry, she loved this man and he loved her no matter what had gone on between them she knew there was heavy blame on both sides.
"Coffee?" Kathryn asked as she stood to move towards the bar to buy him one.
"Tea?" he asked in reply that made Kathryn snort as she went to the bar to get him a tea.
As she returned with the tea she placed it in front of him and laughed saying "some things never change then?"
"Apparently not." he smiled nodding at her mug of black coffee.
As she sat down she smiled widely at him and said "never"
After a while of the two sitting silently in the company of the other Chakotay watched her as he said "your looking good."
"So are you." She smiled back at him; she was looking into every part of his face. She really had missed him; for too long she had needed him she knew she couldn't live with out him.
Taking a deep breath he began what they both knew needed talking about "Kathryn, what I said to you last time we met-"
"Is what you felt at the time." She cut him off.
"Yes but I was wrong." He admitted looking lovingly into her eyes. All he wanted to do was reach out and grab her so he could kiss her.
"Oh?" she asked tilting her head and watching him closely. At that moment as their eyes locked across the table they felt like they were the only people in the world and the two knew they loved each other and were ready to leave the pain behind to make it work between them.
"I was shocked and taken aback, I should never had said to you what I did, I am sorry." He told her as he watched her closely.
She nodded telling him "Seven came to me looking for advise in mating behaviour, I couldn't turn her away."
"And you knew it was me she was talking about?" he asked her feeling sorry for her.
"No not at first." She admitted.
Sighing heavily he hung his head and told her "what I did was wrong."
She watched the man she loved closely for a second and then slowly and tentatively reached out and took his hand in hers across the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Why didn't you come to me and talk to me? We could have worked it out."
Lifting his head he looked lovingly into her eyes and whispered, "I was afraid of breaking you."
"I am made of tougher stuff." She told him calmly.
"I know." he agreed with pride for her.
"You weren't the only one." She said pulling her hand away from his and turning her body from him as she hung her head.
"Kathryn?" she asked concerned by the sudden change in her behaviour "I wasn't the only one what?"
"To cheat." She whispered as tears trickled their way down her face.
"Kathryn I know about Michael, I understand." He tried to reassure her.
"No not Michael." She cried shaking her head at him with her watery wide eyes searching him "Not Jaffen or even Kashyk." She contorted her face and looked into his waiting eyes and she gave him the truth "a member of the crew."
"The crew?" he gasped as he looked at her with a conflicting look of horror in his own eyes.
"I am sorry." She whispered trying to find a look of love in his eyes.
"But you said the only reason we couldn't be together was that I was your subordinate." He said stiffly.
"Forgive me Chakotay?" she begged as she broke down in tears.
"I wont even ask who or why or even when" he sighed as he stood to move towards her to embrace her crying body in his arms. When her sobs subsided and she was able to look up at him he smiled down at her sowing her his beautiful dimples and he said lovingly "we really did go wrong didn't we."
"Five years is a long time to live a marriage the way we tried to." She told him heavily as she reached up to cup his face in her hands.
Taking her hand from his face he said, "come here." And guided her to stand before him "I love you Kathryn." He told her gently as he looked deep into her eyes.
He wiped away the tears from her face with his thumb as she told him "I love you too Chakotay."
"Is there a chance we could start again?" he asked kissing her forehead.
"What about your wife?" she whispered as he drew from her and she raised her eyes to lovingly gaze in his, the two were so deeply in love as they always had been neither wanted to pull away.
"It's over between us." She told her gently as he took her hands in his and stroked her knuckles with his thumb.
"I think she loved you." Kathryn told him gently as she moved in to plant a tiny kiss on his lips.
"I cared for her, I wanted to love her." He admitted softly.
Kathryn watched him for a second and then asked, "How is she?"
"Oh Kathryn, your always thinking of everyone else." He said with pride as he reached up the brush the stray hairs from her face.
"I care a great deal about her too, she was like a daughter to me." she insisted as she placed her hand on his broad chest.
"She understood" he nodded softly "She knew couldn't live with a compromise. I think she knew deep down that was all she was, when you came out-"
"She knew it was only a matter of time?" Kathryn finished sadly for him as she rested her face on his chest and wrapped her arms around him.
"She wished me all the best in my future with you." He told her as he returned her embrace and held her tight to him "She like me has always known you will always be the one for me."
"I wish it was that easy Chakotay." Kathryn sighed though she made no effort to brake from the embrace they now held each other in.
"Will you at least give it a chance? Dates like we were young again, getting to know each other for the first time." He asked her as he stoked her hair.
"Dates?" she laughed into his chest as she clung onto his shit.
"Like a proper couple." He told her as he kissed the top of her grey head lovingly "like we never had."
"Oh Chakotay you never stop surprising me." she laughed. Pulling from him and looking into his eyes she shrugged with a big smile "dates? Sounds fun."
"Somehow together we can work through this, we love each other." He told her as he closed the gap between them and took her lips for his own as she parted them allowing his tongue to invade her mouth.