Oh god. This chapter nearly killed me to write! i hope you all like it! longest one yet!
Chapter 25
Santana sighed and rolled her eyes irritated by the lack of progress they were making. She shifted herself to spread her body weight across the top of the case as Brittany yanked and tugged desperately at the zip. "It's no use. We've been at this for an hour… It's like everything has multiplied, I'm sure we didn't bring this much stuff." Santana huffed causing a piece of hair to flap around aimlessly in front of her face. She collapsed down onto her back and sprawled her arms and legs over the sides of the case. "It's not going to work."
"Stop being so negative." Brittany slapped the top of Santana's thigh while she carried on trying to zip up the case. It was Brittany's turn to huff when the zip didn't even budge the slightest. Santana smirked down at her with a look that said 'told you so.' The blonde just rolled her eyes and climbed up onto the case and straddled Santana's lap.
"Err, Britt? What are you doing?" Santana asked awkwardly. As much as she loved having sex with the blonde, now was not the time, Quinn and Rachel were in the room next door and the Berry men were just down stairs in the kitchen.
"We need to get this zipped up or we're going to be late." Brittany explained.
"How does you straddling me help us zip this up?" she patted the case with her hand as she looked up at Brittany with a curious look.
The blonde just grinned mischievously down at her girlfriend before tipping her head back, took in a deep breath and, "Quinn! Rachel!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. Santana flinched and covered her ears at the sound.
The sound of feet scrambling across hard wood floor could be heard outside of Santana and Brittany's room, the sound got louder as the girls got closer. "What's happened? What's wrong?" The bedroom door was barely open before Quinn had rushed out her questions. The blonde stood still for a moment as she took in the two girl's position on top of their suitcase; Brittany was smiling back at her with puppy dog eyes. Quinn stood up a little straighter and placed her hands on her hips, a slight scowl began to form on her face.
"We need help…" Santana mumbled as she turned away from the two girls in the doorway. She was never one to admit she needed help but she really didn't have an option when she had Brittany on top of her like this.
"Please, Quinn?" Brittany's bottom lip jutted to form a pout and she widened her eyes to make herself look like a sad puppy. Quinn's expression immediately softened and her arms fell limply to her sides.
"Fine," she said exasperatedly, "But you have to stop doing that look, no one can resist it."
"Don't we all know it?" Santana sighed from beneath Brittany but couldn't help the smile from curling the corners of her lips. Quinn and Rachel quickly climbed up, the three girls spread out evenly out on top of the Latina causing weird grunting noises to come from Santana. "Hurry up, I can't breathe." Brittany giggled and leaned over the Latina to reach for the zip and quickly heaved it around the case. She grinned in triumph when she reached the other side.
"We did it!" she cheered as she held her arms up in the air. Santana leaned up and high fived the girls before planting a kiss on the blonde's lips. As she pulled away she saw a slight pout begin to form.
"What's wrong, baby?" she asked with a furrowed brow.
Brittany shrugged slightly but ducked her head to avoid eye contact. "I just don't want to go back home…" she whispered barely audible. Santana's lips turned up into their own pout as she leaned up causing Quinn and Rachel to fall to the floor.
"Everything will be fine." Santana cupped both of Brittany's cheeks and brought her face down to meet her own, she gently played with the blonde wisps of hair that had escaped the messy bun on the top of Brittany's head. "I promise." Brittany just nodded sadly before standing up and walking out of the room. Rachel just stared at Quinn confused as Santana looked longingly at the now closed door; she willed it to open, for the blonde to come back in happy and cheerful. She peered down miserably at her clasped hands in her lap; she knew that wasn't going to happen. "I hate this." Santana said more to herself than anyone else but Quinn still replied.
"She's finding this whole thing just as hard as you are. She's worked out that you're getting worse, we all have." Quinn paused to stand up and walked over to Santana's side, slowly followed by Rachel who sat on the opposite side. "She hates that she can't do anything to help you. We don't like seeing you so vulnerable."
Santana felt a sudden bubbled of anger rise within her, she didn't know where it came from or why it was there but she couldn't stop it from working its way up and passed her lips. "How would you know that, Quinn? How would you know what she's thinking?" she snapped causing the two girls to jump slightly.
Quinn held a stern look on her face, she refused to back down. "She told me, Santana. Last week while you were getting you were nearly dying in bed," she knew it was a slight over exaggeration but she didn't care, the Latina was frustrating the hell out of her. "She came to me crying her eyes out. She doesn't want to get her heart broken; she's scared of how much it's going to hurt her. She doesn't want to lose you." The blonde snapped back just as harshly as Santana had.
Santana flinched at Quinn's words. She could felt the sharp pain in her gut. She knew Brittany was upset about the whole situation, she knew that she was finding it hard to deal with it but she didn't know how much it was actually hurting her. "Why didn't she tell me?" Santana's voice was almost childlike and barely above a whisper.
Quinn sighed and let her body relax as she leaned into the Latina and wrapped her arm around her waist. "She knows how you feel about breaking her heart and she didn't want to get you upset when you weren't exactly healthy enough to be thinking about that sort of stuff."
Santana could feel the sting of tears behind her eyes and willed them to stay hidden. She didn't want to show how vulnerable and depressed she was feeling. She kept her head down and her eyes locked onto her hands. "I don't want to break her heart."
"I know you don't, but that's going to be inevitable. The best thing you can do now is just try to stay healthy, for her." Quinn soothed as she stroked her hand up Santana's back.
"I'm just sick of worrying all the time or always having to watch what I eat and drink. I just want to be able to eat a really fatty burger that's dripping in grease and not have to worry about it killing me!" Quinn pulled her closer but didn't say anything. What could she say that would make Santana feel better?
Santana slouched back into her seat with her arms crossed and huffed out an irritated breath. She lifted her legs up to rest on top of the dashboard as she slipped on her Aviators and wound down the window to get some air into the car. She was still annoyed that Brittany wouldn't let her drive them all home; she had begged and begged for an hour until she started to get pissed off. She never let other people drive her car and the fact that Brittany was the only one she trusted to touch the steering wheel couldn't even drive without crashing at least once, that left Quinn and Rachel. As much as she loved Quinn, she was a very angry driver and no way did she trust her driving her baby. Granted, the last time was an emergency and she could let it slide but never again would that woman drive this car. That left Rachel… Santana turned in her seat to look at the dive sitting next to her. She had to holdback a snort when she looked at how fast they were actually driving.
"I know I was worried about these two crashing," Santana pointed her thumb back at the two blondes sitting behind them. "But come on, Berry. You're like twenty under the speed limit." Santana sighed and rolled her eyes.
Rachel risked a glance in the Latina's direction before quickly snapping her eyes back to the road. "I'm sorry, Santana. I just prefer to be on the safe side, I don't intend on crashing or killing us all, I'm just keeping us safe." Rachel explained causing a round of giggles to emanate from the back seats. Santana looked up into the rear-view mirror and shot the girls a glare. "Just because I don't share your taste in dare devilness, does not mean we can't have fun! How about a game?" Rachel questioned with a hopeful look.
"Oh dear god, No!" Santana moaned as she had her face in the palm of her hand. She reached out and turned the volume up on the radio, she ignored the look Rachel sent her way and instead turned to stare out of the window.
She watched as the landscape began to change, the sun got higher in the sky and the rain began to fall but none of it was actually being seen by the brunette, she was too busy thinking about what Quinn had told her earlier that morning. She couldn't stop her eyes from flickering over to the mirror and staring back at the blonde who had an unreadable expression on her face. She was staring out of the window just like Santana had been seconds before; the Latina swore she saw something like sadness or anger flicker through the perfect blue of Brittany's eyes causing Santana to frown slightly. She carried on watching the blonde for a moment as sucked in her bottom lip and began to fiddle with her hands. Santana was about to turn round and ask if she was okay when a pain shot through her chest causing her to gasp loudly and back into her seat slightly.
Rachel's head spun round to look at the Latina and she could feel the other girl's eyes on her as well. "What's wrong?" the diva asked curiously with an arched eyebrow.
"Err…" Santana considered telling the girls but then thought back again to what Quinn had told her this morning. "I'm just cold." Santana pretended to shiver and looked back out of the window to avoid eye contact. She couldn't upset the blonde anymore, it wasn't fair on her.
She just hoped the girls couldn't tell she was lying. She was thankful that she had chosen to wear her Aviators because she could feel the sting of tear building in the corners of her eyes from the pain in her chest. She brought her hand up to rub her chest as if it would ease the pain but this had happened so many times that she already knew it wouldn't. Suddenly, everything began to spin and she felt the sting of bile rise up her throat, she knew what was coming and she needed to get out of the car now. Her hands were shaking and she was pretty sure that if she tried to walk to her legs would most likely be like jelly.
She looked out of the front window and saw a gas station in the distance. "Pull over." She blurted out to Rachel.
"If we keep going we can make it ho-"
Santana cut the smaller girl off before she could finish. "Pull over now." She demanded. Her voice sounded desperate and panicked and to be honest, that was exactly how she felt. Her hands were shaking completely out of control and she could feel her eyes rolling around in all directions behind her eyelids.
"Baby, are you okay?" she thought maybe she could feel Brittany's hand on her shoulder but she couldn't be quite sure. Her entire body seemed to be vibrating and it felt like she was underwater. She ignored the blonde and practically threw herself out of the car when Rachel pulled into the gas station.
"Santana!" Quinn shouted from behind her. "Wait here." She ordered the other two girls before she ran after the Latina who had run behind the shop.
Brittany stared after the two girls as they ran off to god knows where before she turned back to Rachel with a worried look. "What just happened?" she asked as if Rachel would know the answer.
"I don't know, but I'm sure Santana will be fine." The dice tried to reassure the worried blonde. "How about we go get something for us all to eat?" She knew she had to get Brittany's mind off of whatever just happened and the best way to do that was with food. She reached out and took Brittany's hand in her own and led her towards the door of the shop.
Quinn came to a halt when she found the Latina leaning weakly against an old rusted dumpster as she heaved in broken shaky breaths, tears were streaming down her face and her whole body was shuddering. "Santana, oh god." Quinn ran over to the brunette and wrapped a strong arm around her waist to hold her up. "Is it your chest?" the blonde questioned. Santana could only manage a pathetic attempt of a nod as she leaned entirely against Quinn, the Latina was thankful she had been able to keep the bile down. "We need to get you to a hospital." Santana's eyes went wide. She couldn't go to a hospital; she couldn't let Brittany worry about her she didn't want her to worry about her. She shook her head furiously at Quinn with a pleading look.
"No… I can't go…" Santana breathed out as she turned to grab at Quinn's arms. "Please." She begged.
"Santana you're a mess. You need to go and see a doctor!" Quinn argued she couldn't keep the frantic tone out of her voice.
Santana carried on shaking her head though, "I can't get Brittany worried, not after what you told me this morning." Santana could feel the dizziness wearing off and thankfully she hadn't had to throw up. "I just need some rest; I promise when we get home you can take me to the hospital. We just can't let Brittany know. Okay?" Santana's eyes were beginning to droop, she didn't know if she was just really tired or her eyelids had a mind of their own. Again she was thankful that she had her shades on so that Quinn wouldn't worry any more than she already was.
Quinn hesitated a moment, her eyes were downcast as she thought it over. She knew she should get the Latina to a hospital now. They should have done that when Santana nearly crashed the car, but she was her best friend. If Santana wanted to wait then all Quinn could do was respect her wishes. "Okay." the blonde nodded once before helping the Latina back to the car, this time helping her into the back seat.
"Shot gun…" Santana mumbled lazily, she almost sounded drunk as she pointed towards the front passenger seat.
"No, you're going to sit in the back with me so I can keep an eye on you and you can maybe get some sleep." Quinn instructed as she fastened the Latina's seat belt.
"Pfft, whatever." Santana rolled her eyes and let her head fall lazily against the cool glass of the window. "Night night, Q."
Quinn gave the girl a confused look; she wondered whether or not Santana even knew what she was saying because it was only like two thirty in the afternoon and wasn't anywhere near to getting dark. That couldn't be a good thing though; the blonde felt her heart begin to race in her chest. They needed to get Santana home as soon as possible. The blonde heard footsteps behind her and Quinn fashioned a fake smile on her face as she turned round to fine Rachel and Brittany walking over with two bags of food between them. "You can sit up front with Rach, Britt. Santana fell asleep…" she pointed over to the Latina sitting in the back seat half sprawled out.
Brittany peered around Quinn and couldn't hold back the confused look that spread over her face. "Is she okay?"
Quinn quickly nodded; it was just Santana who didn't want the blonde to get upset. "She just got a bit car sick, don't worry. She's fine." Quinn smiled and quickly climbed into the car to avoid having to come up with any more excuses. She hated lying to her friends.
She didn't know if it was just the movement of the car at first but when she heard the sound of Bed Rock by Lil Wayne playing from her pocket accompanied by the vibrating she knew her phone was ringing. She reluctantly let her eyes flicker open and groaned in annoyance as an aching pain pulsed in her chest. She wondered why no one had answered the phone for her, Quinn had told her she needed her sleep. The Latina looked over to the blonde next to her and irritably rolled her eyes, Quinn was fast asleep with drool running down her chin and loud snores escaping her mouth.
Santana felt the urge to hold the blondes nose or slap her really hard just for the sake of it. Images of the blonde startling awake formed in the mind and she couldn't hold back the smirk.
"You might want to get that." Rachel's voice caused her to turn away from Quinn. "It's been ringing for a while now." Santana glanced up at the diva's eyes in the mirror before pulling out her phone to see her father's picture and number flashing up on the screen. She frowned in confusion as she pressed the green answer button and brought the phone up to her ear.
"He-hello?" Santana voice was slightly groggy from her sleep; she coughed a few times to clear her throat before carrying on. "Papá, are you okay?" there was silence on the other end of the line for a moment but it was more of a building the tension kind of silence. Santana began to get fidgety with impatience until she heard her father's breathy chuckle echo through.
"Mija! You will never guess what? I've found a new house! The old owners said I can move in whenever I'm ready! I've already had all my things sent there. I know you're on your way back but I couldn't wait to tell you." he practically screamed down the phone but it all came out in a rushed ramble.
"Holy shit! That's amazing. I'm so happy for you." Santana grinned widely, she tried to keep her voice low but the excitement was seeping through. She was so proud of her father; he had gone through so much lately, leaving his wife, having nowhere to live and his daughter dying. He was such a strong man and Santana was proud to call him her father. "Where's it at?" curiosity getting the better of her. There was silence again on the other side but this time it was slightly awkward like Marco didn't want to answer his daughter. It made Santana feel slightly uneasy, the fact that her father had fallen silent made her think it would upset her or make her mad. "Papá?" she asked quietly, she didn't know if she wanted to know the answer anymore.
"Long Beach…"
His words felt like they punched her in the face. She couldn't find the words to answer him. She was pretty sure all of the colour had drained from her face as she felt herself become lightheaded and cold. Santana had gotten so used to her father being around she didn't know how she would be able to cope with him being so far away when right now she probably needed him by her side more than ever.
"I have to go." She managed to slur out as she hung up the phone, she didn't even wait for a reply. She stared down blankly at the now black screen, she was sure she heard Rachel in the background asking her questions but the noise was drowned out by Santana's racing thoughts.
After what could have been an hour or so the sky had turned pitch black and the clouds above them had blanketed over the stars but Santana hadn't moved an inch, she was still staring down expressionlessly at her phone and Rachel had begun to worry about the Latina. She wanted to wake Quinn or Brittany up so they could talk to her or find out what was wrong because she knew Santana would just snap at her. But she couldn't bring herself to wake the two sleeping blonde's, not matter how loudly Quinn was snoring and Brittany mumbled and tossed and turned. She sighed in relief when she realised she was pulling into Santana street and quickly turned into the garage lot behind their building.
"We're back!" She cheered loudly causing the two blondes to jolt upright with wide eyes while Santana didn't even flinch. Rachel frowned at the Latina which caused the blondes to follow her line of sight. Brittany leaned over the back of the seat and placed her hand gently onto Santana's wrist as she cautiously shook it to bring the Latina out of her buzzing thoughts.
The Latina's eyes snapped up to meat ocean blue slightly irritated at first boot soon calmed as Brittany refused to break eye contact. "Are you okay?" the blonde's voice felt like velvet to Santana's ears and couldn't help her lips curl up to smile.
"My dad's moving out." Santana whispered out but strangely enough she found her smile growing bigger and bigger. Maybe she was happy for him, more than she first realised but that didn't change the fact that she was going to miss him like hell.
"That's great!" Brittany's smile mirrored the Latina's and she laced their fingers together as they all made their way round to the building entrance with their bags. "Where's the house?"
"Back in Long Beach." Santana diverted her eyes but felt Brittany's hand tighten around her own as the blonde's lips formed into a perfect 'o'. No one said anything as they made their way up the stairs to their apartment. Somewhere along the way, Santana had drifted back into her thoughts and was almost so completely out of it – almost being the key word here - that she hadn't noticed the way her left arm had begun to tingle and shooting pain was surging through her chest. She clenched her eyes shut but kept her head downcast so that the other girls wouldn't see her obvious discomfort.
Before Santana knew it they were all standing outside the door. Brittany lifted her hand up to knock and was met with the beaming smile of Marco Lopez, all of his pearly white teeth on show for them to see. "Santana!" he jumped forward and pulled the girl into a crushing hug. "I've missed you so much." He pulled away to look into her eyes but notices that they seemed clouded or glassy like she was there, but she wasn't. "Are you mad at me?" he wondered maybe it was his news from earlier that had his daughter acting so distant but she shook her head and attempted to give him the best smile she could.
"No, Papá. I'm so happy for you." She pulled him back into a hug as the three girls behind them took the bags further into the apartment.
"Oh thank god, I was so worried you would be mad at me, mija." Marco sighed in relief. Santana just rolled her eyes but smiled none the less. However, she was finding it harder and harder to keep herself from showing the excruciating pain she was feeling. It was getting so bad that she could feel the tears stinging behind her eyes.
She quickly pulled away from her father and rushed towards the bathroom where she knew there would be more of her pills. She heard Brittany call after her when she ran through the living room but she ignored the blonde's shouting as she slammed the bathroom door behind her and quickly locked it. She didn't want anyone coming in and seeing the state she was in. she had never felt this bad before and she knew she should probably get someone to take her to the hospital. I'll get Quinn to take me in a minute. She thought to herself as she place four pills into her hand and swallowed them one by one and quickly gulped down a mouthful of water out of the tap.
She flicked her head back; her hair fell loosely down her back as she heaved in deep breaths. All she could hear was the irregular pounding of her heart in her ears, she was panicking. She didn't know what to do, the room was spinning and she could feel the bile rising up her throat once more but this time she knew she wouldn't be able to keep it down. Beads of sweat were rolling down her face and she could feel her clothes sticking to her body.
Suddenly, her knees gave way. She grabbed out towards the shower curtain to keep her up but she was too heavy for it to hold her steady resulting in her tearing it down from its hooks. She clattered to the floor and she was pretty sure everyone else could hear the commotion from outside. Her whole body began to convulse and spasm as she crawled over to the toilet and heaved the contents out of her stomach. Tears were streaming down her cheeks but she couldn't feel them, they just felt cold and sticky.
This isn't good.
"QUINN!" Santana managed to scream at the top of her lungs as best as she could before buckling over the toilet once more. She could faintly hear banging on the bathroom door; her blood ran cold when she remembered she had locked it.
"Baby, unlock the door!" Brittany called through. Santana could hear her voice tremble and knew she must have been crying. The Latina tried to turn and stand but only collapsed back down onto the tiled floor.
She couldn't move.
Everything was hurting.
This was it.
"Brittany." Santana sobbed weakly as she lay face down, her body was still shaking and bucking but other than that there was no way she could get up and move. There was a sudden clatter against the door as Marco tried to break the door down. Santana could hear the muffled cries of the girls on the other side but everything was getting quieter and quieter and the pain was getting so intense that she was sure she was about to pass out. "Brittany… it hurts." She gasped out between sobs.
The slamming became more frantic and louder until the door finally gave way and hung on the bottom hinge. Marco pushed passed it and collapsed down to the ground with tears streaked cheeks. He carefully turned the Latina onto her back so he could talk to her but as Santana looked up all she could see were his lips moving. Everything sounded echoed like she was underwater but she couldn't make out what her father was saying.
There was a blur of blonde hair behind her father and before she knew it, Brittany was by her side. She looked just as terrified as her father did, she was sobbing hysterically, her nose was red and her eyes were bloodshot. The blonde placed a shaking hand on Santana's cheek, the brunettes eyes fluttered slightly but she kept eye contact with beautiful blue orbs. She felt herself looking deeper into them than she ever had before; she noted every navy blue spec that surrounded her pupil, the way the lighter blue began to turn glassy and cloudy as tears spilled over the edges. Oh god, she was going to miss those eyes.
"I know… what you're… thinking." Brittany sobbed out, a slightly angry look formed. "Stop thinking like that now." She ordered but Santana felt the corner of her lip curl up the slightest.
"Britt-" she gasped and her eyes rolled back into her head as she arched up in pain. The blonde flinched and backed away slightly but kept her hand on Santana's cheek. "I didn't… get to finish… the list." Her words were slurred and mumbled but Brittany could make them out. The blonde ducked her head and began to sob just as loud as she had been.
"You're not leaving me, Santana! Don't you dare give up." she shouted. But Santana didn't hear or see the blonde, she didn't see Quinn and Rachel dragging her away from the bathroom, she didn't hear the screams of protest from her girlfriend, she didn't here Rachel calling for an ambulance as tears poured from her eyes and she didn't see her father performing CPR when she went into cardiac arrest. Everything had gone black.
"Let go of me, Quinn!" Brittany screamed as Quinn pinned her down to the sofa. "I'm not leaving her." Quinn turned around to look at Rachel and gestured to Brittany's kicking feet. The diva raced over and helped pin the taller girl down for her own safety and everyone else's.
Quinn hated seeing Brittany like this, she hated the pure pain she could see deep in the blue eyes and hated the way her own pain throbbed deep inside of her gut. She wanted to be with Santana as well; after all she was her best friend. But right now Marco needed his space if they had any chance of saving the Latina. "Look at me, Britt." Quinn ordered as she stared deep into Brittany's eyes. "She's going to be fine, the ambulance is on its way and her father is keeping her stable right now, we just need to stay out here okay?"
Brittany ignored the blonde however and kept struggling against her hold. Quinn grunted and tightened her grip. She was worried about hurting the taller girl beneath her but she had to keep her away from the Latina in case something went wrong.
"Rachel? Could you come in here for a moment?" Marco's voice pulled the girls out of their struggle for a moment, they all froze. The only sound in the apartment at that point in time came from the ragged breaths of the girls and grunts from Marco as he tried to save his daughters life. Rachel snapped out of her shocked state and hurried off towards the bathroom. She halted in her tracks, Marco's hair was sticking up in all directions, sweat was dripping from his face and tears were still streaming down his cheeks. It was hard to tell but Rachel was sure that he was shaking. "I need you to check for a pulse." He pointed towards Santana's wrist and Rachel quickly took it into her trembling hands.
"I can't feel anything." She gasped. Marco's face was getting whiter and whiter as he began to press down over and over on Santana's chest.
"Come on baby." He grunted. Rachel eyes widened when she felt a faint throb beneath her finger.
"Pulse!" she shouted but that's all she could manage before a blur of aluminous yellow and green whirled into the room. "Paramedics." She gasped in relief. Everything became a blur after that, she remembered Marco practically screaming at the paramedics to let him come with them because he himself was a doctor but after that, nothing. She didn't know how they had all gotten into Santana's car as they raced to the hospital behind the ambulance. Brittany was in the back sobbing her heart out and her whole body was shaking. Quinn was clutching the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles had turned white and Rachel was bouncing in her seat impatiently.
"Would you stop that? You're distracting me." Quinn snapped at Rachel. The brunette immediately stopped her fidgeting and looked down sadly. Quinn felt a pang of regret hit her. "I'm sorry, baby… I didn't mean to-"
Rachel held her hand up to cut the blonde off. "It's fine. She's going to be okay. She's a strong woman." She placed her hand on her thigh. Quinn felt herself relaxing slightly with Rachel touch. They turned the corner to the hospital a couple of minutes after the ambulance.
"Mr Lopez. Please calm down." Dr Richardson pleaded with the older man.
"No I will not calm down. That is my daughter in there!" he took a step closer to the shorter man. "You need to give her an ICD." He instructed. Dr Richardson looked up at him like he was on crack.
"You should really leave this to the doctors." Dr Richardson explained and began to walk off.
"I'm a chief of medicine in Long Beach; I've been doing research on my daughter's condition. So I recommend you do as I say before I sue your ass, not this hospital, you." Marco was shocked by how cold his voice sounded but he couldn't care right now, he wanted his daughter to live and he would do everything in his power to do that.
Dr Richardson seemed startled by Marco's threat. He couldn't find his words so instead; he just nodded before pulling the Latino into the Electrophysiology Lab that his daughter had been taken to and handed him some scrubs to stand on the edge and watch.
What have I done? How could I do this to them? All the people I love… my family are all in pain because of me. None of this should have happened, I shouldn't have told Brittany I would be with her. I knew this would happen, she looked so broken and it's because of me. I promised her I would be with her forever.
Liar.
I'm all my father has left. He has no more family, my mom, she's gone, and she doesn't even know that I'm probably dead right now. Oh god, is this what heavens like or hell… am I in hell? I probably deserve that, especially after what a bitch I was to everyone. But does anyone deserve to be stuck with their own thoughts eating away at them for all eternity.
Maybe.
Quinn. She's my best friend. She's the closest thing to a sister I ever head well apart from Brittany. But who will she have to cry to about Beth? I know for sure she doesn't talk to Rachel about that stuff… how could she when Beth's adopted mother was Rachel's biological mother? She's going to have so much to let out. I'm her best friend, have I broken her heart as well?
Yes.
I'm actually going to miss Rachel, how weird is that? If someone told me two years ago that I would count Berry as family I would have laughed in their face and probably tossed a slushy at them… But I do, and I'm proud of that. She's amazing and I don't know why I couldn't see that in high school. She's been nothing but could to me, to Quinn and I know Britt loves her. They're good for each other; maybe they would be better off without me. I mean I'm a total bitch and all I do it insult them. I know Brittany is definitely better off without me. I'd just end up hurting her anyway. Just like I have now. I've broken her heart. Shattered it into a million tiny pieces.
I just wish there was a way I could tell her I love her one more time. Just so she knows she'll always be the one, the only one I could ever be myself around, the only one who ever owned my heart. It would be nice told hold her hand once more, is that too much to ask for? Maybe if I imagine what it used to be like, it would be like she was here with me, just holding my hand in hers.
"Santana? Can you hear me, baby?" Brittany had her face buried deep into the crook of Santana's neck. Her tears were still flowing freely down her cheeks even after at least five hours of being in the hospital. She hadn't once left the Latina's side since she had been brought back to her room, not even to go to the bathroom that was attached to the room. She didn't want the Latina to wake up alone and scared.
They had been in surgery for about three hours and Brittany had been getting way too impatient. The doctor said it would take her around two hours to wake up, usually it wouldn't take as long but because they had to put her under and use more pain killers than they normal would it was slightly different to the normal procedure. Marco had explained to Brittany that normally Santana would have been awake for the procedure but because she was unconscious they had no option to keep her under completely but have a special machine monitoring her heart and kept it beating for her.
Marco had been pleased with himself for persuading the doctor to give her an ICD. He knew this gave his daughter a better chance at living longer but hat confused him was why the doctors at this hospital hadn't thought of giving her one of those earlier. Maybe then, they wouldn't have gotten into this whole mess. He sat on a seat next to the window as he looked out at the slowly rising sun. He was completely exhausted and had had to drink around four cups of coffee to keep himself awake. Marco hadn't left his daughter for the same reason Brittany hadn't.
He looked over to the blonde; she looked just as bad as he felt. The man couldn't begin to comprehend how she must be feeling right now. If Santana was Maribel he wouldn't let go of her hand, he would probably tie himself to her side.
A sudden wave of sadness overcame him. The woman he first met when he was sixteen, he had loved every inch of her, the way she smiled, the way the corners of her eyes would wrinkle when she laughed. He loved it all. He still was.
He just knew he loved his daughter more.
Santana came first.
He knew he had done the right thing to leave his wife. As much as it hurt him to do so, he knew he had to be with Santana while she was like this. She needed her father and he needed her. He would always love Maribel up until the day he died. But his love for Santana would be so much stronger, it would continue on even after he died.
"She's awake!" Brittany's scream brought him back to reality.
Santana fluttered her eyes as she slowly regained consciousness. She squeezed the hand that was holding her own as she remembered what she had just been thinking of. Had she just wished hard enough to bring herself back to life? Or was she still dead? Had she ever been dead in the first place? There were too many questions flying around in her head. She didn't want to think about that right now. Santana turned her head towards Brittany and immediately, a smile formed on her lips.
"Hey, Britt-Britt." Her voice was just above a whisper but was groggy and shaky.
"Baby." Brittany began to cry once again but this time they were tears of relief and happiness. "I was so fucking worried about you!" she buried her face back into the crook of Santana's neck and kissed the skin there softly. Santana slowly lifted her left and placed it on Brittany's cheek too lift it up to meet her eyes. Her chest felt sore and tight when she moved that arm and she guessed that Brittany could see the discomfort on her face. "Relax, San. Take it easy." She cooed.
"What happened?" she coughed to get rid of the groggy tone in her voice but she wince when her chest pulled tight. She looked around the brightly lit room at Quinn, Rachel and then her father who were all looking at her. It was then she realised she was back in the hospital. She wanted to scream or something and run. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to hear about how her body was still fucked up or that there was a possibility that she could be okay. She didn't want to get her hopes up only to be let down once again. She was all too used to that by now and she didn't know how much more of it she could take. It hurt nearly as much as the constant pain in her chest…
Wait, there was no pain. Well, not the normal pain she was used to… "Am I dead?"
Her father chuckled from the seat next to the window and shook his head. "No, sweetie, you're very much alive." He walked over to her and planted a kiss on her forehead. "I'm just going to find the doctor." He whispered before leaving the girls alone.
"We were so scared, Santana." Quinn uttered from the bottom of the bed. "I thought… I thought-" she couldn't finish her sentence, a soft sob eased its way from her mouth and Rachel pulled the blonde against her chest.
"I'm so sorry." Santana whispered. She didn't know what to say as her own eyes began to fill with tears. "I… I don't know what happened."
"You collapsed in the bathroom and then went into cardiac arrest." Rachel explained. "Your father performed CPR while Quinn and I held Brittany down…"
Santana turned to look at the blushing blonde who tried to hide her face back into Santana's neck. "Why?"
"She didn't want to leave you, but we had to give your father space. He asked me to help though, that was scary… I had to find your pulse but you didn't have one. And then your father carried on with CPR and then I found it and-"
"I get it, Rachel." Santana interrupted the diva's rambling with a white giggle. "Thank you." Rachel blushed and hid her face in Quinn's hair.
Santana looked down at her almost bare chest; thankfully her hospital gown was covering her breasts but everything else above her abdomen was on show. She had wires stuck all over her that were clearly monitoring her heart rate with some sort of monitor attached to them, but what caught her eyes sight and completely scared the hell out of her was a large white bandaged patch just above her left breast. Her eyes widened as she looked at the slight redness around it. She brought her right hand and placed a delicate finger on the bandage and trailed it around the edge of it.
"Ms Lopez! How nice to see you awake." Dr Richardson's voice came from the doorway. Santana glanced up and smiled politely at the doctor. "How are you feeling? Any pain?"
Santana shook her head. "Not really, what's this?" she pointed to the patch on her chest.
Dr Richardson smiled and pulled up a chair to sit beside Santana's bed. "Straight to the point I see." Santana heard Brittany chuckle and tightened the grip on her hand. "Where should I begin? Well, when you were brought in you were in a pretty bad way so we had to keep starting your heart up every time you would go into cardiac arrest. After about the sixth time, we were ready to give up but then your father here," Marco stepped closer to the bed and held his daughters other hand. "Pulled me aside and threatened to sue me if I didn't do as he said." Santana full on laughed at that but quickly stopped when her chest again pulled tight. "He told me about his research and we decided that it was best to give you an ICD. You will be left with a scar about the size of your index finger but we stitched you up pretty well so it may be smaller."
Santana looked at her father confused but he just smiled softly in return. "What's an ICD?" Santana asked.
"An ICD also known as an implantable cardioverter defibrillator is an electronic device that constantly monitors your heart rhythm. When it detects a very fast, abnormal heart rhythm, it will deliver energy to the heart. This causes the heart to beat in a normal rhythm again." he explained, Santana just looked at him with a completely dumfounded expression. She had gotten lost in his words after 'implantable' which made all the other words blur out.
"Err… what?" she finally asked.
Dr Richardson just chuckled. "It's confusing I know, just think of it as a sort of pacemaker but instead of working constantly to keep up your heart beat it only sends off a shock when your heart starts to fail." He explained a little simpler this time.
Santana nodded in understanding. "So how long will I need it for?"
"Until we find you a new heart."
"How long could that take?" she asked slightly worried.
"Well as of now, we have managed to move you up the list, so hopefully in the next two years or so, provided that your heart doesn't completely give up."
The last words caused Brittany to flinch slightly and the action didn't go unnoticed by Santana who just tightened her grip on the blonde's hand. "How long does the ICD last for?"
"Three to six years, as long as you come for regular check-ups and you take the new medication we will give you tonight." Santana nodded her head seriously and turned to face Brittany with a smile.
"I love you, San." Brittany leaned forward and planted a kiss on Santana's lips. There was something about this kiss that felt different to Brittany though. The Latina was slightly tense like she was holding back or something. But maybe it was just down to everything that was going on, maybe she wasn't feeling well. "I'm glad you're going to be okay."
"She's not out of the woods yet, I'm going to have to keep you in overnight and then check your vitals in the morning before I can let you leave." Dr Richardson explained as he stood up and made his way to the doorway. "Have a nice day, Santana."
"Bye." She said weakly from her bed. There was something in her stomach that was signalling her to get out of here, run and never look back. But she didn't understand it; she wanted to be with Brittany more than anything. She was alive and everything was going to be okay but she couldn't shake the feeling that something would go wrong with her heart again and she will end up leaving the blonde. That thought was always going to be swimming around in her head until the day she found a new heart.
Later that day, Santana was taken down to get a chest x-ray to make sure her lungs were okay with the positioning of the device and that the wires were all correctly attached to her. She had never been so scared to have an x-ray in all her life; she was worried that something may have gone wrong and that they would have to gut her open again.
When the x-rays were finished the nurse informed her that everything was fine, she took the wires and monitor off of the Latina and let her father and Brittany wheel her back to her room. Earlier that day, Santana had forced Quinn and Rachel to go home and get some sleep, the brunette was probably exhausted from driving all the way home the day before and the only way she was going to leave is if Quinn came with her. So Santana had convinced the blonde to take her home.
Around seven at night a nurse came and collected Santana and took her down to the clinic with Dr Richardson so that they could test the ICD and change its setting so it would work properly for the Latina. Santana had to force her eyes to stay open through the whole test, she was sure she had never been so tired in her life. "You must be dying to get some sleep; I'll take you back up in a second." Dr Richardson said as he finished writing on his clipboard.
The next day, Santana woke up in Brittany's arms. Her head was lying on her chest and the blonde's arms were wrapped delicately around her waist. Brittany had against refused to go home and leave Santana even though Marco would have been staying anyway.
"Papá?" Santana asked sleepily as she looked around the room for the older man.
"Here sweetie." He walked into the room will three bottles of water and a tray of food. "I just went to get this. How are you feeling?"
She reached up and took one of the waters and downed it in four long gulps. "Thirsty," She chuckled before taking an apple of the tray. "And hungry. But I refuse to eat that." She pointed at the plate of god knows what this hospital called food.
Marco chuckled and kissed the Latina. "We can take you home today." He smiled but Santana's smile dropped. There was that feeling in her gut again, like she shouldn't be going back to that apartment, with Brittany. "What's wrong, san?" he asked cautiously.
Santana just nodded and carried on to eat her apple. Suddenly, Brittany began to shift behind her; Santana sat up slightly so that the blonde could move around and get up if she wanted to. "I smell food." She mumbled. Santana and Marco both let out breathy chuckles that were almost identical. "Morning." She breathed out with a stretch of her arms. She carefully climbed down off of the bed and climbed into the chair next to Santana so that she would accidently hurt the girl.
"God, I love your bed head." Santana chuckled as she played with the messy strands of blonde hair. Brittany just shook her head with a smile before pulling the bowl of 'food' off of the tray and began to eat.
Santana looked down at her like she was crazy for ever touching the stuff. "What? I'm hungry." Brittany muttered with a mouthful of food. Santana just leaned over and planted a kiss on the blonde's forehead.
Brittany had to do a quick run home to collect Santana some clothes for when she came home, she had been hesitant at first but when Santana explained that if her father was the one to get her clothes he would make her look like a clown. Brittany finally agreed and reluctantly left.
She finally arrived back with a pair of sweats and a hoodie for Santana to wear. For the rest of the day the two of them sat and watched TV in the hospital while her father went home to clean the mess of a bathroom and hopefully fixed the door. Santana still felt slightly reluctant about going back home though. There was something screaming at her not to and it wouldn't stop.
She didn't want to be feeling like this. She wanted to be able to go home with Brittany and just be happy without having to worry about dropping dead in front of her. She couldn't let herself hurt Brittany any more than she already had. The blonde deserved to be happy, to avoid all of the heart ache that Santana caused. She wouldn't be selfish and put Brittany through that, she couldn't drown Brittany in her messed up life. She deserved to be free…
"Here you are, baby." Brittany handed a bag to Santana and helped her into the bathroom to change. It felt so good to be in her own clothes again, she hated the hospital gown because it showed off her ass and wasn't very good considering the amount of times she had had to leave her room. Who knows how many people got a full show of her. "How are you feeling?"
Santana just shrugged. "Okay I think. I'm still scared though," Brittany looked at her confused. "I'm so scared to close my eyes; I'm scared that if I do I won't wake up. I don't want to die; I don't want to be stuck inside of my own head like I was before. It's horrible there, nothing but your own thought to keep you company. I don't want to fall asleep and not be able to say good bye to you."
Before Brittany could reassure the Latina that she was going to be fine, there was a knock at the door and Santana turned to see her father and Dr Richardson standing with bright smiles. Just as they were about to talk Brittany's phone chimed from her pocket. "Sorry…" she mumbled before leaving the room.
"Good news, Santana. You are free to go all your results seem fine and you ICD's working perfectly. However, I would like to keep you in for an hour longer just in case."
Santana beamed at the doctor. "That's great! Thank you." She said excitedly.
"I'll see you soon." He said before leaving.
Marco turned to his daughter and held his hand up for her to high five. They sat smiling and laughing for a moment until Brittany came back in. "That was Quinn, she wants me to go and pick her and Rachel up and bring them here. Quinn's car won't start." She explained as she pulled on her coat and bent down to kiss Santana. "I won't be long."
"I love you, so much, Brittany. You know that right?" Santana held Brittany close to her before she could pull away and crashed their lips together. Electricity seemed to explode within their two bodies. Brittany couldn't help but notice that this kiss seemed different yet again but she didn't question it. She didn't want to question it in case the answer would hurt her.
Santana waited for the blonde to completely disappear from the room before spinning around to face her father with a frantic look. "I need you to do me a favour and you have to promise not to tell Q or Rachel and especially not Brittany." How could this be the right thing to do when it was tearing her up inside, when it was sure to tear the blonde up as well? "You need to make some phone calls for me. Please. I am begging you papá." Marco nodded without asking any questions. He had to trust that his daughter knew what she was doing. While he pulled out his phone, Santana pulled open a draw and lifted out a piece of paper and a pen with the hospitals badge on it and began to write out a note for her loved ones.
Somewhere in the mess of feelings, reasons, questions and explanations, Santana knew this was the right thing to do. She knew she had to protect Brittany. But the only way she could do that was by making this decision. She just hoped the blonde would be in less pain than she was right now.
This way, Brittany would be free…
End of part 1
Please dont hate me!
So this is the end of part 1! what did you all think? what's Santana planning?
I'm going to have a break with writing for a little while (only like two weeks or something) i just want to catch up on my school work and stuff. I have already started the first chapter of part two so i cant wait to get that uploaded!
i shall see you all in two weeks! maybe earlier if i feel the urge to upload early.
love you all so much! please review and feel free to PM if you have any questions.
twitter: naya_fan1