Disclaimer: Uhm... Whoops? ^.^;
A/N: -w- Let's see... Majora's Mask Medley... Exhaustion creeping in... Yup.
It's time for an update.
Lois blocked the sun from her eyes, raising the blankets over her head. "Fucking hangover..."
"That would imply post-waking sex," the man beside her commented. "But seeing as how our last sexual encounter was before the end of the run of alcohol-induced intoxication, it'd be much more logical to say "Fucking drunk", which makes no sense in context."
"Name and age?"
Tovia peered at her. "You don't remember? Wow." He let out a small laugh.
"Look, I fucking have a hangover and I can barely fucking remember last night, so fucking tell me your fucking name and your fucking age before I fucking kill you."
"My fucking age? Would you prefer me to give my age as it corresponds to my skill in fucking? Or perhaps the age at which I started fucking? Or the years it's been since I started fucking?"
"How about this..." Lois grabbed her bow next to her bed. "Get the fuck off of my mattress before I have to worry about blood stains."
He looked around. "How do I sum this up for you..." He grinned at her and continued to lay in her bed. "You just fucked your best friend?"
"Hey Vaati." She dropped the bow, laying her head back on the pillow and glancing at him.
His smile dropped. "That was anticlimactic," he said. "Where's the shock and regret? You just slept with Tovia."
Lois pulled the blanket down and looked at him. "Regret? Shock? I sleep with guys. I don't regret it. Now get the fuck dressed before he takes over and finds out what fucking happened."
"Well, really, though he's not yet, all he'd have to do is wake up to figure it out - I mean, 'taking over' has so much effort involved, he could just eavesdrop and get the general idea. But yes," he added quickly, "Your idea is valid..."
She rolled out of bed and found her clothes. "My ideas are always fucking valid."
He nodded. "By the way, isn't Tovia hot? Well, not hot. But more sexy than you'd think. The tunic doesn't really do him justice."
"He is sexy. The tunic's pretty fucking stupid, though..." She pulled her boots on. "I like it off."
Tovia laughed as he put his tunic on. "Link's missing us," he remarked.
Lois tugged at his tunic. "He can wait."
He smiled. "You want that fucking hangover?"
"How long do you give Tovia?"
Tovia shrugged, thinking. "I don't know," he mused. "He's pretty passed out. A half hour, maybe?"
"Ten minute sex?"
He took off his tunic again. "Let's make time."
Lois hurriedly got her clothes on. "Come on, dumbass! Get the fuck out of bed."
"Alright," Tovia sighed. "What's the rush?"
"Just get dressed. I don't want him to fucking know, okay?"
Her friend shrugged and moved into his tunic.
"You have to fucking promise me that you aren't going to fucking let him know about this." She glared.
"Of course not. It would only serve to augment his spiral from sanity, which, though strange, is fun to watch."
Lois pointed at him. "Not one fucking word. I don't care how fucking fun it is to watch. Nothing! ZIP!"
He looked across at her. "I just said your friend is spiraling down from sanity," he said plainly. "You don't have anything to say to that?"
"Sanity's overrated."
"Sanity keeps you from, let's say," he shrugged. "Killing a man in cold blood?"
"Tovia? Like he'd kill a guy."
Tovia nodded. "No, never. Of course not. He's never killed anyone... not even, say, to break out of an asylum."
"What fucking asylum?"
"You know, the one in the southwest part of Castle Town?" He shook his head. "Of course, Tovia and I never got into a fight; I never hypnotized him into thinking some girl was you, and as a matter of fact, Tovia never kissed her or got thrown in an insane asylum. And after I refused to help him escape, he most certainly didn't overthrow an entire hallway of guards to ease his passing, and during so, he didn't comment at all about how easy it all was." During this short monologue, he was contemplatively dressing himself.
"Why didn't you tell me this fucking sooner?" she shouted.
Tovia looked up at her. "I think he was a bit shell-shocked throughout the whole deal, really. I mean, he'd woken up on the tail-end of sex, then he beat himself up - quite literally. Except that I was him, of course."
Lois grabbed a handful of his hair. "I repeat, why didn't you fucking tell me sooner?"
Surprised, Tovia looked up at her. "Lois? W-What are you doing!"
She pulled him close to her face. "Fucking tell me what happened!"
"Let go of me! What are you doing?"
"When did you go to an asylum?"
"A few days ago! I don't know! I didn't want you to worry about me. Now can you please let go?"
Lois tossed him pants. "Don't question why you're not wearing them. Just pretend you were."
Tovia caught them. "W-What... What happened?" he asked quietly.
"None of your business."
"Lois, tell me."
"Vaati and I got fucking drunk last night. We had sex."
"Well, don't sugarcoat it," a voice murmured by her ear.
"You... you... you had... se... that... with VAATI?"
"You weren't in control of your body, therefore I had sex with Vaati. Not you, Tovia."
"It was my body!"
"It was my choice," Vaati said audibly, his image appearing to Tovia's side.
"What the fuck is with you? It was just sex! It doesn't fucking mean I love him or anything!"
Tovia swung his fist at the hallucination. "Stay the hell out of this!"
Vaati reacted as though Tovia's fist had indeed nailed him in the jaw, complete with the illusion of impact. The hallucination stumbled away. "That wasn't very nice," he commented, his hand on his jaw.
"I don't fucking care! Get the hell out of my life!" Tovia kicked at him.
The blow landed on his shin. "Damn it!" he said. "Look, I know that neither of us are exactly happy, but-"
"Neither of us are happy? That's the understatement of the year! I'm furious!"
"I know we both wish I would go and die, but obviously, that's not going to happen anytime soon. The best thing we can do is keep calm and look for options."
"Keep calm and look for options?" Tovia laughed. "Haven't I been telling you that for weeks?"
Lois slapped Tovia. "Snap the fuck out of it!"
He pushed her towards Vaati. "Leave me alone!"
"Shit!" the sorcerer announced, but as such a reflex that not only did he not say it with his air-voice, but Tovia muttered it under his breath. Lois was headed toward a set of stairs; Vaati stirred up enough air behind her to keep her from falling down them, blowing her hair into tangles.
She straightened up so she wasn't relying on the air. "Thank you..."
"You didn't catch her! Why is she thanking you?"
"I'm not physically here, you dumbass!" he shouted audibly. "God, you're getting more insane every day!"
"Then how did I hit you?"
"I made you feel like you'd hit something because that would make you relieve some of your stress! Christ, you're welcome for doing you a favor."
"Leave me alone. Both of you."
"You're in my house. Get the fuck out." Lois' eyes narrowed.
"You know, it's kind of hard for me to not be here."
"Just get out of my life! I can't take this anymore! The whole world is just against me!" Tovia yelled. "My best friend is having sex with the bastard that tried to kill her!"
"You just tried to kill me!" Lois shouted. "You're not in the place to be calling him a bastard!"
"Goddamn, these people are out of control," Vaati said to no one (despite the fact that he said it out loud).
Lois turned to the voice. "Keep your comments to yourself."
"Don't follow me. The both of you. Just stay out of my hair."
"It's just sex!" she called after him.
Vaati stayed, like Tovia requested, out of his hair - but of course, unable to fall asleep, he could only watch as the boy strode, fuming, toward the door.
"This isn't fucking good... Thanks, though... for saving me... you're the last fucking person I expected to do that. You probably would have fucking gotten Tovs' body if you let me die." There wasn't a response. She looked up and surveyed the empty room. "Vaati?"
Tovia clutched his sword. "I hate them..." He slashed at a Moblin. "Why isn't there anything stronger in Hyrule Field?" Tovia wandered south into the woods in hopes of finding a bear or a wolf to kill, something to help him calm down.
He hadn't been touring through the trees long before he stopped in front of a burgundy-haired girl with a pointed face and narrowed, deep brown eyes. "Who the hell are you?" he asked her.
She looked him up and down, spite in her gaze. "I could ask you the same question."
"I asked first."
She was wearing a floor-length black-and-white dress which seemed oddly untouched by the wildlife. "I guard the forest," she said simply. "From poachers like you."
Tovia moved past her. "I'm only killing one."
"What are you going to do with it?" she asked, standing immediately in his path.
"How did you...?"
"Are you going to cut off its head, throw its carcass in the street, and mount it in your living room?" her voice was like a knife.
"No! I'll leave it for the animals."
"Oh," she said sarcastically, then continued with the same spite. "You're doing this for sport."
"I'm doing it for stress!" Tovia snapped. He dug his fingers into his palm.
She motioned with her hand. "So you're going to make my animals pay for some petty qualm of yours?"
"One animal! It's better than an actual person!"
"You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?" The girl disappeared from her spot in front of him.
"What are you?" Tovia turned around, expecting to find her.
"I'm a guardian," she repeated, reappearing in the same spot as before, which was now behind him.
"But... how are you doing that...?" He was lost.
"You'll find that, after you die, nothing is hard to do," she said. "And I've had centuries of practice."
"Y-You're a ghost!"
"Can you hear me?" Lois' voice called out.
"Lois... why did you follow me?"
The ghost rolled her eyes. "Hylians in my forest..."
Lois came into view. "I only fucking followed you, you fucking jackass, because I can't fucking talk to Vaati if he doesn't fucking hear me."
"Vaati?" the girl asked suddenly, looking up to Lois. "How do you know Vaati? Who is he to you?"
She glanced at the ghost. "My friend. Who the fuck are you?"
"You know Vaati?" Tovia stared at the ghost, shocked.
"A friend?" the ghost spat. "I should have known. Friends of Vaati are not welcome here."
"I'm not his friend!"
"Okay, who the fuck is this fucking bitch?" Lois asked.
"My name," the ghost said, glaring, "is irrelevant! I don't like anyone consorting with that fiend near my forest. I'll protect it the way I did before he ripped me away from it."
Tovia stepped towards her. "Please, who are you?"
"I'm Cassandra! What does it matter?"
"You're... You're Cassandra?"
"You know my name?" the ghost asked. "Fiend! You only come to taunt me. Go back to your world before I set the beasts on you."
"No! I know you! You were Vaati's... Vaati's... what were you to him? Goddesses, I can't remember... girlfriend? You were his girlfriend? H-He..." Tovia paused, thinking it over and shifting through the memories that weren't his. "He... He killed you! But... how? How did he k-kill you?"
"He stabbed me with a dagger, if you must know." Wolves barked in the distance as she narrowed her eyes.
Tovia saw flashes of the dagger and staggered back. "I remember that."
Something stirred in him. Vaati had fallen asleep. Hmm? he asked.
The dagger you used to kill Cassandra. I know what it looks like.
Holy shit! That's Cassandra! Tovia's eyes widened.
Don't do that! His eyes stayed widened by force.
"You remember?" Cassandra asked, her brown eyes widening eerily as she stepped toward them, her deep maroon-curtained head inclined forward.
Tovia nodded. "I-I remember... see... it's because... well, you wouldn't believe me. I'm lucky that Lois and Link believe me."
"Believe you what?" Her voice took on a more menacing tone. The snarling howls in the distance grew more numerous.
"T-Tovs, let's get the fuck out of here." Lois shook his shoulder.
"I... I'm... H-He says... I'm Vaati's... reincarnation."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Tovia. Don't say anything. I don't think this can turn out well.
Too late. "It means that I'm... technically... him." Tovia was disgusted with himself.
She bristled with hatred, her pupils wide like a cat's. "Explain yourself, or you will suffer his desserts!"
"M-My name's Tovia... I don't know how to really explain it. We've been sharing this body for a while... but he says he's always been there."
"Are you saying he's here now?"
What are you doing?
"Yes."
"You fucking moron!" Lois snapped.
Cassandra strode toward him, flickering out of existence and skipping forward a few inches sporadically. She reached out a hand for him. "Hand him over," she demanded.
Cassandra? Vaati said, mystified.
Tovia cringed. "I don't know how."
She put her hand on his arm. Even through his tunic, he could feel how cold she was, and shivered on contact. Not seeming to notice, Cassandra looked up into his eyes. Then, she gripped his arm tightly - and with a sudden wrench, she pulled Vaati by the arm into the clearing.
He stumbled, confused. It was Vaati; if it wasn't for the translucence, he would appear exactly like the purple-caped Hylian that he projected so often. But he was there, and not in Tovia, who he looked on with as much discomfort as though he was looking on himself. "Wha..." he breathed, his voice echoing slightly.
"What the fuck?" Lois stared at the ghostly figure. "Is that fucking Vaati?"
"Y-Yeah."
Cassandra seemed not to hear them. She began with a growl toward Vaati.
"Please, let me explain," he started -
"Explain what?" she asked. "Explain why you killed me? Explain why you ripped my life away from me?"
Tovia stood in front of Vaati. "L-Let him explain! Everyone deserves an explanation. He's a fucking bastard and I wish he'd die, but... He hasn't seen you in years. Let him explain himself."
"Okay," she said, but didn't look away from Vaati despite the fact that Tovia was in her line of sight. "I want to know. Why did you kill me?'
The Wind Mage opened and closed his ghostly mouth, but didn't have anything prepared. "I..."
"What? You what?"
"I... wasn't... myself. I wasn't thinking straight."
Tovia stepped aside quietly. As dumb as he was, he knew this wouldn't end well.
She walked up to him - she only amounted to Vaati's shoulder, she was shorter than any of them, which they had failed to notice before, but still she instilled enough fear (and... was that regret?) for it not to matter - and gripped him by the arms. Then she flung him against a tree, which, surprisingly, held firm against him, and she leaned her arm into his neck as though to choke him.
Tovia gasped. He tried to breathe. Why couldn't he breathe? His eyes rolled up towards Vaati and Cassandra. Could he ever catch a break? He grabbed his hands around his constricted neck and fell to his knees.
"Huh?" Lois looked towards where the choking sounds were coming from. "Tovia!"
"What the-?" Vaati asked.
"Stop it!" Lois shouted. "You're killing him!"
"I'll kill you like you killed me," the brunette growled.
"But - but we're both dead!" Vaati gasped.
"You fucking wimp, don't die on me! I'll fucking kill you!"
"I can make you wish so!" Cassandra urged. "I will have you suffer as I have!"
"What - ?" the purple Hylian asked, pushing against her arm despite his lack of necessity to breathe. "How - ?"
Lois turned towards them. "Just fucking let Vaati the fuck go! Do whatever the fuck you need to do, just don't kill him!"
Her arm's pressure against Vaati's throat lessened a little, and Tovia gasped for air. "I've been trapped in these woods," she said, "without death nor life. The Goddesses' punishment for you was too forgiving."
She wrapped an arm around Tovia, holding onto him. "Are you okay?"
He put a hand on his chest and tried to catch his breath.
"How do you know about -?"
She cut Vaati's question short, putting her small hand over his mouth. "I will give you a lesson. If you can prove to me that you have changed, that you were, indeed," she seemed to grimace slightly, "'not yourself', I may find it in my heart to love you again." Her voice seemed to portray that no such thing could happen, but Vaati hung onto her words. "But if you fail to learn this lesson," she continued, her hand still clamping his mouth shut, "I will lock you in Hyrule Castle forever."
"You fucking expect him to fucking stay as a fucking ghost the entire fucking time?"
She turned to glare at Lois for a moment. Then she turned back to Vaati and said, "You should go before I decide to kill your host and his girlfriend." Without a further word, she moved him from the tree and shoved him toward Tovia, who was still regaining his composure.
Upon contact, Vaati was sucked - literally, sucked - back into Tovia, and some color returned to his cheeks. Cassandra was nowhere to be found.
Tovia fell back onto the took a deep breath, his throat hoarse and dry. I really should have listened to you.
You don't fucking say, Vaati thought shakily.
Lois punched him in the stomach immediately. "You fucking moron! The next time, think about what you're fucking doing! Do you have any idea how bad that could have ended? What if she killed you? Vaati, talk some sense into this dumbass!"
I told you so.
Tovia tried to catch his breath for the third time that day. "I'm sorry!" he croaked.
She pulled him by the hair back towards Kakariko Village. "I swear to goddesses, I am going to kill you one day."
"Ow!"
"Shut up! Vaati, take over this damn dumbass so I don't have to drag him all the way."
He stumbled forward, as though adamant to have Lois's order remain unfulfilled, but then stumbled back, swaying a bit on his feet, looking kind of bewildered and generally uncomfortable.
Lois let go of his hair. "Now let's just fucking go. I need to relax."
Tovia ran a hand through his hair and coughed. "That was weird," he said, his throat still dry.
"What? Your dead bitch of an ex-girlfriend?" Lois grumbled. "Hate that bitch. Trying to kill Tovia. Fucking... I'm the only one who gets to kill Tovia."
"I thought I got to kill Tovia," he debated, looking forward at the horizon.
"You can help."
He looked ahead at her, but his expression didn't exactly move into a smile like it seemed he'd intended it to. Then he looked back out at the horizon, a distant look in his eyes.
She slowed her walking down and waited for him to catch up. When she realized he wasn't moving, Lois stopped completely and looked over her shoulder at him, annoyed. "What the fuck are you doing? Planning to ride off into the fucking sunset?"
He blinked at her. "Hmm?" Then he shook his head. "Oh. Nothing." He started walking again and caught up to her, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Really?" Lois continued walking. "Nothing? Liar."
He let out a sharp breath as a hint of a laugh, but didn't reply otherwise.
Lois sighed. "Has the whole world just gone to hell? Tovia pulled the dumbest move ever, you're off in dreamworld... What am I, the only sane one?"
This time he really did smile a little. "You? Sane?" he asked. "The world really is going to hell."
"Asshole."
He stuck his tongue out at her.
She rolled her eyes. "And now you're an immature prick? Yep, world's gone to hell."
Tovia crossed his arms as they walked; they had slowed to a strolling pace. "So," he ventured, "you do agree that I'm hot?"
"Purple's a very nice shade on you."
"When I'm not getting choked by an ex-girlfriend, anyway."
Lois laughed. "Does that happen a lot?"
"I make it a habit to not run into ex-girlfriends, let's put it that way," he replied, watching the field stretch away ahead of them.
"So that's why you're always in the tavern..."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Don't play dumb."
He opened his mouth, then closed it. Then he explained, "I go to the tavern to meet girls despite the risk of re-meeting them."
"...Okay, you didn't need to tell me your fucking life story."
Tovia looked at her a little irritatedly, his blue eyes briefly meeting hers. Then he let out an odd sigh and looked back to the distance.
"Stop being so fucking moody and just talk. Goddesses, you're worse than Tovia."
"I just feel really weird right now," he admitted.
"Would you like to talk to your fucking therapist about it?" Lois asked gently.
He let out a snort of laughter. "I don't know," he continued in spite of his amusement. "She left me feeling weird."
Lois snorted. "Did she fuck you while I wasn't looking?"
"Not unless two thousand years ago before you had eyes to look with counts."
"That can count." She grabbed his hand. "So what's wrong?"
He was surprised by the gesture and looked at her accordingly. "I don't know," he said. "What? I..."
"Oh for fuck sake's, Vaati!" Lois snapped, patience gone. "Just tell me!"
"I'm desperately in love with her!" he shouted. Then he looked frightened and turned away.
Lois watched his back. "What?"
"I'm in love with her," he repeated, his cheeks radiating with a blush. Nervously, and terrified, he hugged his arms around himself in a vaguely Tovia-like fashion. "Cassandra. I still love her."
"Well she obviously doesn't love you back."
Tovia turned so she couldn't see his face. "I know," he said. "I know that, don't you know I know that?"
Lois quickened her pace. "She's definitely fucking over you..."
He watched after her, a hand resting on his face. "What the fuck," he muttered to himself. "What the fuck...?"
"Are you coming or not?"
"Yeah," he said, hastily wiping a hand across his eyes before jogging to catch up with her.
She didn't look at him. "When we get back to Kakariko, you can go to Castle Town. Tovia and you deserve a fucking break."
"I... I don't know," he said, somewhat quietly. "I think Tovia really wants to help Link. Get his mind off things, I suppose."
"Just be your fucking self. Quit acting all nice. It's pissing me off."
He let out another snort of laughter and a corner of his mouth rose. "Imagine. Being nice to a girl pisses her off."
She smirked. "I'm not really that fucking normal so it shouldn't fucking surprise you."
"Normal," he said. "I don't think I know anybody personally who can vouch for that definition."
"You're in his body."
"Tovia's not normal," he said easily. "How many people have a two-thousand-year-old sex addict under their cap? Link's not normal, and you just have to look at Midna to tell she's not even from the same realm."
Lois shrugged. "He was normal until he knew about you."
"Normal..." He searched his memories. "The kid that painted his toenails without your persuasion?"
"Oh yeah... I fucking forgot about that... You know what? You're fucking right. Tovia's always been gay." Lois scrunched her nose. "He didn't really complain when I dressed him up, either."
The memory made Tovia chuckle.
"You know it's true." Lois grinned. "Okay, so Tovia's not normal either."
"Far from that."
"So, are you going to fucking stop being all nice? I'm going to fucking punch you if you keep it up."
He laughed. "Consider me mean," he said, bowing slightly.
She smirked. "That's what I fucking like about you. Can't have the good without the bad."
Tovia tilted his head as though unsure about how to take that. Then he shrugged. "In a few hours, the sun will rise," he observed.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know but it's true!"
Lois pushed him into Kakariko. "Freak."
He stumbled forward and rubbed his neck again, looking up at the sky.
What are you doing?
What do you mean, what the fuck am I doing? he thought, following Lois into the inn.
You're acting weird... he pointed out.
You're one to talk.
S-Shut up! I had every right to! What's wrong with you?
Why do you guys keep asking me that?
Tovia was going to reply when he stopped his thoughts.
He couldn't remember the time he painted his nails.
A/N: Welp, that's over. Now back to fangirling over Doctor Who and David Tennant - especially being in Harry Potter(I will never watch those scenes the same way again) - with my father. Nerdgasam~.
Until next time...
ALLONS-Y!