Disclaimer: Still not my characters.
A/N: This chapter surprised me a bit when I was writing the fic. Thanks, everyone, for reading and reviewing! There's only a few more chapters left now.
"Today we will be removing Subject 56399's right hand," Dr. Kern stated calmly while she struggled to get off the table. Rogue watched wide-eyed as he turned to address someone else. "Do you have any objections?"
Her father stepped out of the shadows with a sneer in her direction. "Little murderer kills everyone she touches," he said, his voice full of loathing.
"Daddy?" she cried out, desperately pleading for him to help her and forgive her.
"Do whatever you want with the brat," he added, ignoring her please.
"You should have just sided with me, Rogue," Mystique's silky, venom filled voice said from above her. "I would have protected you, but no...you chose this."
Kern stepped up next to Mystique, scalpel in hand. "Let us begin."
The blade was lowered to her wrist, and she screamed.
Rogue jolted awake, breathing heavily and clutching the bedsheet beneath her. As the nightmare faded she felt her pounding heart gradually begin to slow down. She took a shaky breath and closed her eyes for a moment.
The dream had felt so real. So real, in fact, that her hand actually hurt. Curious, she quietly turned it over and held her hand up to the small stream of light coming from the window. Even in the dim light of the moon she could see a little stain of fresh blood on the bandage that was wrapped around her hand. She must've ripped a stitch again, she realized. It wasn't hard to do really. The stitches didn't do much. And she didn't care anyway. In fact she felt numb. The pain dulled to an occasional throb, but mostly she just felt empty.
She'd spent the time since getting out of the med-lab trying to get thing back to normal. It wasn't really working, but no one other than Logan really questioned her act. And the normalcy was an act. She didn't feel right. One minute she would be listening to Scott rattle on about a new tactic he wanted to try during their next training session and the next she would be lost in thought and barely able to breathe. The Professor insisted it was normal after what she'd been through, but this didn't feel normal.
"You're not normal," Carol whispered in her ear. Though she was still securely locked away, Ms. Marvel still managed to say something once in awhile. "You're dangerous."
It was true, and she knew it. She hadn't even been born normally. Her mother had died in the attempt. She'd pushed her adopted mother over a cliff, and Ms. Marvel was brain dead. What kind of person could cause so much pain?
'I didn't mean to hurt anyone,' she thought to herself.
'But you did.'
She sat up on the edge of the bed and stared at the open closet across from her. A part of her wanted to wake Kitty up, and another part protested the mere thought. She was confused by the conflicting emotions. She wanted to be alone, but at the same time she didn't. She didn't want to keep distancing herself from her friends, but couldn't bring herself to let them in. She even wanted to absorb someone just to prove to herself and the others that she was still worth having around, that she was still of use to them, but the thought of touching anyone made her sick.
All the things she'd been pushing away suddenly swept over her. The ache was almost too much.
For the first time she actually wanted to cry, just to release some of the pain that was tearing her up inside, but the tears wouldn't come. Maybe she'd kept them at bay too long, and now they just weren't there. Maybe she was too cold hearted to cry.
Unable to sit still anymore, Rogue stood and quietly made her way to the closet. She grabbed the brown coat from the corner and gave it a hard tug, wincing when her hand and ribs burned. She simply didn't care about the pain at the moment. She just wanted to get away.
She waited until she was in the hallway before fighting with the coat to get it on. She breathed a sigh of relief as the long sleeves covered her already long sleeved pajama top. The added layer would give anyone she bumped into at least a little more protection from her, which in turn helped her relax a little.
Without any real idea of where she was going, Rogue bypassed the elevator in favor of the stairs, but instead of walking down she lifted into the air and then landed by the front door. She swallowed around a lump in her throat upon realizing she'd just used Ms. Marvel's powers. She'd avoided using them since waking up, and immediately felt a stab of guilt for using them now.
She rushed out the door and around the mansion, just going where her feet took her without much thought. The further away she got from the mansion the more forceful the emotions inside her became. By the time she reached a grove of trees it was hard to even breathe. She leaned against a tree and slid down until she was sitting there with her knees to her chest, feeling more lost and alone than ever as conflicting emotions raged inside.
Storm gracefully lowered herself to the ground, her feet touching so lightly that she made no sound at all. She could hear the tell-tale signs of Logan working in the garage just around the corner. For a moment she considered meeting him there and filling him in on the information she'd acquired from Fury. It was late, however, and he was no doubt attempting to work off some steam. She would fill him in later, along with Charles. It was nothing that needed urgent attention.
Instead she circled around the mansion, staying out of his range of sight even though she had no doubt he heard her or caught her scent in the breeze. She simply wanted to do a quick perimeter check before she headed to bed. It was likely unnecessary with the security measures in place, but after hearing what Fury had to say she felt the need to be a little more proactive in their defense.
Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Logan, who had moved to the entrance of the garage. He turned after a minute and went back inside though, confirming her theory that he wanted to be alone at the moment. He knew she would tell him if she had gathered any urgent information. She found herself rather relieved he was in one of his moods, since she wasn't particularly in the mood for company either.
She was nearing the completion of her circle, and looking forward to the prospect of sleeping a couple of hours, when a rustling noise caught her attention. She paused abruptly and let her gaze flicker into the small wooded patch of land she was walking along.
She knew Logan sometimes liked to walk through the woods when he needed to get away from everyone and was unable to actually leave. Logan, however, was clearly in the garage, and the noise had not sounded like an animal. With narrowed eyes she cautiously stepped past the first few trees and listened for any other sign that someone could be sneaking around.
It wasn't hard to find the source of the noise.
The person had not made much effort to hide. Not far inside the woods, with the mansion still visible through the trees, someone sat huddled against a tree. A long brown coat was wrapped around them, their head ducked and resting on their knees, and their arms wrapped around their legs. The only thing visible was a head of two-toned hair that made it clear who the person was.
Ororo couldn't ignore the tugging at her heart at the sight. Rogue looked so small with the coat covering her completely as she slumped over, a tremor occasionally going through her frame. This was the wounded, hurting teenager who had suffered greatly. Not the detached, unaffected persona she had presented everyone with.
Her own exhaustion was quickly forgotten at the sight. She moved over to the shivering child and knelt down. "Rogue," she said softly, attempting to get her attention without causing her too much distress.
Rogue jumped anyway and her head shot up. "Storm?" she breathed out in surprise.
She had expected to see tears, but there were none. Between the lights coming from the mansion and the large moon overhead, she could clearly see the girl's face. The carefully constructed mask Rogue had worn in front of everyone had slipped away. She now appeared warn, raw, and lost. Broken even, but there were no signs of tears.
This was a child who needed comforting, who needed to know it was alright to feel the way she felt.
Rogue squeezed her legs a little tighter, bringing them closer to her chest in an attempt to get the tremors to stop. She didn't want Storm to see her like this. She hadn't wanted anyone to see her like this.
"What are you doing here?" she asked once she finally found her voice.
"I heard a noise."
"Oh." She looked away and released her legs, only to then cross her arms. It was awkward with the cast, but she managed, and she hoped it looked intimidating enough. If Storm or one of the others saw how broken she really was, they might think her too weak to be any good. She couldn't stand the thought of that. She didn't want pity. She just wanted them to think of her as the cold, strong Rogue who could take care of herself, even though she didn't feel much like that person lately.
"I couldn't sleep," she explained, still not looking at the older woman. "So I just...thought I'd come out here."
"Rogue," Storm said gently. "Please look at me."
She closed her eyes and willed herself to look emotionless. After a second or two she finally turned her head to look at Storm. Her normally stoic features had softened in a way they normally only did for Evan. She couldn't remember anyone ever looking at her like that before.
"You do not have to be strong all the time," Storm said firmly, but still with the same gentle affection that was mirrored in her eyes.
The words hit her like a ton of bricks. She suddenly felt weighed down, as if all the emotions she'd harbored and ignored were physically pulling her lower and lower. Fear swept through her for a moment, and before she could stop herself words of her own began spilling out.
"I don't want anyone to think any differently of me," she admitted, staring at the opposite tree again. "I don't want any of you to think I'm useless now."
"No one thinks that, Rogue. No one expects you to be okay right now."
"You don't understand," she choked out. She wasn't sure why it was so hard to speak. "I can't even stand the thought of touching anyone. Whenever someone gets close I just...I'm just afraid I'll do to them what I did to Carol. And using her powers makes me feel like a murderer all over again. But if I can't use my powers than what good am I?" she added angrily, all of it directed towards herself.
"We do not keep you around simply because of your powers," Storm quickly replied. "That may be why Professor Xavier searched for you in the first place, but it is not what makes you family. You are family because we love and care about you, Rogue. We are not Mystique. We do not care about you based on your abilities, but because of who you are."
It was nice to hear, but Rogue couldn't bring herself to believe it. No one ever kept her around for her charming personality. It was always because of what they could get from her. And right now she was useless. "But..."
Storm interrupted before she could get more than a word out. "You have become accustomed to people using you, to people thinking of you only as far as your powers are concerned. I understand, Rogue. Perhaps one day we will be able to prove to you that you are more than your powers, but until then I just ask that you believe me when I tell you that you are cared for regardless of what you can or cannot give in return."
Rogue shut her eyes and tried to focus on breathing, on the rustle of leaves in the wind, on the smell of the dirt. Anything other than the far-too-nice things Storm was saying. She wanted to believe it, but a voice in her head told her to be careful. If she trusted people so easily, it would just hurt all the more when they abandoned her.
When she felt a hand on her shoulder it took all her self-control not to flinch away. She refrained from doing so, and was glad Storm was at least wearing gloves. She just wanted to be alone, where she didn't have to worry about anyone seeing her break down. Storm didn't seem in a hurry to leave though.
"If one day you feel comfortable using your powers again then so be it," Storm said. "And if not, that is alright as well. You will still have a home, Rogue. This will still be your home, and we will still be your family."
Tears prickled the corner of her eyes. They began to fall before she could stop them, and a second later a gloved thumb gently wiped them away. The touch was smooth and light against her face. It didn't hurt, and for a moment she was reminded of a vague memory of when they had appeared in her cell to break her out. A gentle touch that made her heart ache.
A choked sob escaped and she bent over to rest her head against her knees again, but instead she felt herself being pulled to the side. Her head rested against Storm's shoulder as more tears streamed down her face. Strong arms wrapped around her, holding her in a tender embrace that just made it all the more impossible to stop crying.
If anyone asked she wouldn't be able to explain what it felt like. It was relief, it was sadness, it was a longing to never be let go of. Some of the weight lifted off her shoulders as everything she'd been holding in came cascading out. Storm held her close, occasionally whispering words of assurance that only made the tears come faster.
Ororo felt a tear run down her cheek as Rogue cried against her shoulder. Sobs racked the girl's body despite her obvious attempt to keep them at bay. She had dealt with these emotions, and others, for far too long without true release. The things Rogue had experienced since a young child...It was too much for any one person to handle on their own.
Her heart broke for the girl in her arms. Rogue had been on the verge of emotional collapse for too long. Before she had been abducted even. Now it was finally coming out, but she had a feeling it was still only a portion of Rogue's troubles.
She brought a hand up to hold the back of Rogue's head and closed her eyes. "You have been strong long enough," she whispered. "Now it is time to rest."
Another choked sob came from the girl in her arms, and she held her a little tighter in response. Rogue's hand clutched the back of her clothing, as if afraid she would disappear if she let go. She sensed Charles gently probing her mind, apparently sensing their distress, but she did not release her grip on Rogue. She sent him a mental message, letting him know Rogue was with her should anyone start looking, and focused once more on the person who needed attention the most right now.
She held the girl close and continued to whisper words of encouragement in an attempt to comfort her, and even when Rogue's tears subsided she didn't let go. The tremors slowly ceased as well, and still she kept Rogue tucked safely against her.
Eventually the first rays of morning sun began to cast a soft light across the grounds. A few warm rays peeked through the tree tops, causing the woods around them to glow with early morning warmth. It was only then that she realized Rogue had dozed off. She had cried herself to sleep, and it was probably the deepest natural sleep the girl had had for a long time. Not wanting to wake her quite yet, Storm continued to hold her, and vowed to do so for as long as Rogue needed her.