A/N Chapter beta'd by Octoberland.

Chapter 25 Frozen Sun

Bella's POV

Like all the Cullens, Alice drives way too fast. I should let go of her hand so she can keep them both on the wheel, but I can't. Her ice cold tiny fingers are the only thing keeping me from falling apart again. She squeezes them gently, smiling with that fake reassurance I hate. I see a lot of that from her lately. Her normal confidence and general know it all charm has done a disappearing act as of late. The fact that she has no idea how to handle her new uncertainties makes her a lousy actress.

I turn away from her expression and focus on the scenery that flashes by the window. Not that I really see anything more than a blur of greens mixing with the intermittent sunshine. It's one of those weird days where everything the Cullens do must be timed with the sporadic patchwork of clouds covering the sky. They are experts at it, making it seem effortless. I guess that is what happens after such a long time learning how to time everything to their advantage.

"Charlie is going to hate me," I whisper, feeling the weight of tears in my eyes blurring the scenery even more. Charlie is the least of my worries right now, but it's the only one I have the courage to voice.

Alice's fingers clench tighter, almost but not quite painful. "Bella, don't be ridiculous. Your father will never hate you."

"You didn't see him, Alice." When she doesn't respond I know I'm right in more ways than one. Not that I needed the proof. Alice's gift has been hit or miss lately thanks to me. She says I'm blocking Charlie from her, but I have no idea how or why. Nothing feels any different and I want her to be able to see Charlie. Her gift could keep him safe and the fact that I'm preventing that, whether it is something I can control or not, just adds to the guilt. "He was so hurt and afraid when I freaked out."

"Carlisle will talk to him, Bella. He'll explain it so Charlie won't need to feel hurt, okay?"

I nod without turning to see her face. More fake reassurance is the last thing I need and I'm grateful when she falls silent. If she can't see Charlie than she has no way of knowing whether Carlisle will be able to convince him of anything. I choose not to shove that obvious little fact back in her face. Besides, she doesn't know Charlie very well if she thinks he'll be that easy to soothe.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat at that thought, I square my shoulders to ask something I've wanted to ask all day. Something for which I would gladly accept even fake reassurance. "Alice?" My voice is a sad whisper. "Can you see me and Edward today, our future I mean?"

Her fingers twitch slightly. "Yes." She steers the car effortlessly into the driveway and I stare at the house that has become both my sanctuary and my prison with rising panic. It takes exactly ten breaths and ten swallows before I can ask what I need to ask.

"He's going to leave me isn't he?" I don't know if there is any volume to my question but I'm not the least bit surprised when she answers hastily.

"Nothing has changed, Bella. I still see you and Edward together. Always!" The adamant tone in her voice is firm, unwavering. The cold that seems to have settled permanently into the marrow of my bones doesn't ease in the slightest though. I reach for the door handle only to realize that Alice has not relinquished her tight grasp on my hand.

"Bella. Edward is not going to leave you again."

I nod, though I don't bother to look at her. Keeping my hand on the door, aching to get out, I wait for her to release me.

She huffs loudly. "Why won't you believe me?"

The trembling starts again and with it the nasty somersaults that twist my stomach into knots. Being safe with Alice doesn't stop the knee jerk reaction of panic at feeling trapped in the car. The feeling loosens the locks on my emotions and my mouth, and fears I don't want to admit to tumble out in a mush of words. If she were human she wouldn't have understood them and maybe I could have held on to my dignity. She isn't human and my dignity went down the drain weeks ago.

"He doesn't touch me, Alice. Not like he used to...before." A sob cuts off my words and Alice instantly sets in with nonsense about Edward wanting to give me time, space and blah blah blah. I try again in vain to pull away, but she won't let go. The panic scrabbles harder at my throat making me blurt out more words I don't want to say. They sound as needy and whiny and pathetic as they feel. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a grip on my emotions. I feel like two separate people, one who's falling apart and the other who's standing there watching in disgust, completely unable to stop it.

"He never talks about the wedding!" The silence that follows my outburst is heavy and strangely confining. Staring hard at my hand on the door handle I see chill bumps break out over the skin on my arm, tiny hairs rising to attention. I'm so cold it feels like the car AC is blasting over me when in fact Alice has already removed the keys from the ignition.

"We're supposed to get married in a few weeks Alice, or did you forget?" I know she hasn't. Vampires don't forget, ever, and even if they did she wouldn't. Not Alice, planner extraordinaire. "He hasn't said a word about it, not one. And when I say he doesn't touch me, I mean... Before, we were making...progress. We were planning...working on...intimacy and now. He doesn't want me, Alice and I don't blame him. I don't even know if I...even...if after what happened if I can..." There is no way to finish the thought. It doesn't matter anyway. I can practically feel her pity and I know she understands perfectly what I'm saying, even if I am a stuttering mess.

Forcing myself to turn, the tremors quaking over my body causing my freshly healed ribs to burn, I scrutinize her expression. Her face turns from pity to a marble mask, telling me more with the lack of emotion than any words could. In her eyes I can read her sadness and the frantic scramble of her mind to come up with some reassurance for the pathetic, weak human falling apart beside her. Before she has to lie I turn back to the window.

"Alice, please. Let me go."

"Bella, I've seen..."

I can't stand to hear it again. Not when I know that nothing she sees is concrete. Not when I know that nothing can be trusted, least of all her honesty. Even perched on the fine edge of a massive panic attack I can still read the people I love.

"Let me out, Alice. I...I need to...I feel sick, I need to go to the bathroom." My mind scrambles for excuses, anything just please, God let me out of this car." Her icy grip releases and the locks open simultaneously. I spring from the car as though it's on fire. I can't outrun her, I don't even try instead forcing my feet to walk slowly into the house. The panic flicks in and out as inconsistent as my heartbeat. I gain control of it for a minute only to lose it in the next. The frustrating see-saw motion of my changing emotions aggravates my tender stomach.

Thankfully, Alice leaves me alone as I make my way to Edward's bedroom and settle into the chair in the corner by the window. I win the war with the panic attack bit by bit until all that is left is a cold hollow ache in the center of my chest. Watching the clouds in the sky get heavier soothes the last of my frazzled nerves and I don't miss the irony. Once upon a time I used to crave the sun and its glorious heat and light. I used to think living without it would be the very definition of hell. Now all I need is a blanket of gray and the cold solid touch of someone who may not want me anymore. If I'm thrown back out in the sunlight now, I'll burn to ash. Define hell.

Edward's POV

Closing my phone I run my hand through my hair and curse long and loud. I should have known better than to leave Bella alone. No matter what I was dealing with I needed to be there for her and I wasn't.

"What is it?" Emmett leaves his fresh kill to be at my side.

"Bella. She had a panic attack at Charlie's. Alice is taking her back to the house."

"Is she okay?"

"Alice just texted me. She says Bella is alright, but..." The breeze changes direction, carrying the scent of something long dead and decaying to my nose. Probably the leftovers of our leftovers.

"But you don't believe her." His voice is resigned, and he shakes his head with a small smile.

"Lately, Alice has a tendency to try and keep me out of her thoughts," I offer in explanation.

"Yeah," he answers with a small laugh. "She really hates not being the mighty all knowing all seeing one, doesn't she? Bella's little talent is really messing with her head."

"It's more than that. She's trying to be a friend to Bella and a sister to me. Sometimes the two don't mix."

He grunts in understanding. "Meaning she's keeping things about Bella from you."

It isn't phrased as a question so I don't bother answering. Instead I gesture to the bear carcasses. "Can you clean up here? I should get back."

"Absolutely." Clapping his hand on my shoulder he squeezes tightly. "You're not going to blame yourself for not being there for her today are you? Because I have to tell you, Edward that blame shit is getting old. You have to take care of yourself if you want to keep taking care of her."

I can't help but grin. Who knew behind the wise ass there is actually something...wise. "I'll try to remember that, Dr. Emmett."

Rolling his eyes he turns and slings one of the bears over his shoulder. Its feet drag against the ground, the lethal claws blunted from repeated blows against Emmett's unaffected skin. Just as quickly his expression turns serious and sad. "Just my opinion, Edward, but it doesn't surprise me that being at Charlie's house would set Bella off. I was there with Carlisle the other day and it doesn't matter that it's been cleaned. It still reeks like dog and the vibe is all wrong. It's like a psychic imprint on the damn walls. No wonder she had a panic attack. You should keep her away from there."

I don't bother to tell him that if it had been up to me she wouldn't have been there. The fact that I'd been here with him glutting my thirst and contemplating sex instead of with Bella, is my fault not his. Sharing the fact would not absolve any of my guilt and might only succeed in throwing it upon him.

"Being there is hard for her, yes," I say instead. "But it sounds as though she was handling it. Then she started to struggle and Julie tried to comfort her by rubbing her back." At the very least if I'd been there I could have read Julie's intentions and prevented the action that had catapulted Bella from struggling into a full blown attack. As I remember yet again the reasons why I hadn't been there to do either of those things, shame washes over me. Since the emotion is useless I brush it off, not surprised when a slight residual clings stubbornly.

Emmett's curse word reply is particularly vulgar. I'd wince if I wasn't so use to his ever evolving list of profanities. "No wonder then. Even I know not to do that and I'm an insensitive lout."

I can't help but grin internally at that comment. I wonder if he even realizes how far he's gone today in proving that to be the farthest thing from the truth.

He narrows his eyes at me as though he can read my mind, or at the very least the expression on my face. Wisely I don't share my errant thought. He won't appreciate having his carefully constructed "insensitive lout" routine revealed for the sham it is.

"Why is that woman even still there?" he grunts. "It's bad enough that Charlie knows what he knows. If she gets wind of something as well we're going to have a whole new set of problems we don't need. Or do I have to remind you we are already on the Volturi radar way too much for comfort?"

He doesn't need to remind me, Carlisle and I have had more discussions on the topic than I care to recall. Despite being more tenacious than a Terrier the only reason Charlie's sister hasn't been sent packing is that I've been monitoring her thoughts closely from the moment she arrived. Unlike Charlie and Bella, her mind is an open book. Just like Charlie however, she sees what she wants to see. Julie Swan lives in a world of black and white, exactly as she prefers. She might know there is more going on than she's being told, but she isn't about to look for answers she doesn't want.

Interpreting my silent response, Emmett sighs. "Fine, I'll stay out of it, but I still think Bella's better off not going there."

"It's her Father, Emmett. I'm not going to keep her away from Charlie or her home."

He shakes his head, exasperated as though I'm missing the point. "That place isn't her home, Edward. Not anymore. Her home is with us, where she's safe, where she doesn't have to be slammed with memories of what happened. And Charlie? Hell, he should be with us too. He knows too damn much and I don't trust the Pack, at all."

"Or him?" I ask ruefully.

Shrugging his shoulders easily despite the massive thousand pound plus bear lying across them, he contemplates my question for less than a second. "I trust you, Edward. I'm guessing you know what's in his head, whether or not his knowing is a bad thing or not?"

My turn to shrug. "Charlie's mind is a lot like Bella's in some ways. It isn't easy to read him." I let my eyes drift over the clearing, marking small inconsequential details with the part of my mind that will hold this moment like a perfect vivid snapshot. I wonder vaguely how much I should share with Emmett when it comes to Bella's father. "He's keeping something from me." I look back at him trying to gauge his reaction. He gives me nothing to read, his face blank, waiting. "I think he knows where Jacob is."

The blank look dissipates, and he growls angrily. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that? We should go right now. Get him to tell us."

"No," I reply with a low voice tinged with warning. "Charlie's health is precarious. Carlisle is worried about his heart. The gunshot and the surgery have seriously weakened his arterial wall and he's no longer a young man. Stress is dangerous for him and I won't have his safety compromised, not even for the sake of finding Jacob Black." I spit the dog's name out angrily and Emmett growls again, forcing me to take a menacing step towards him. "No," I repeat more forcefully. "If anything happens to Charlie now, Bella will never recover. You know this, Emmett. Besides, I have Jasper and Carlisle watching his every move. If he does what I think he will, Charlie's going to hand Jacob over to us on a silver platter."

For a long moment he doesn't say anything, but his expression grows darker and darker. By the time he's done digesting what I've told him his eyes have turned pitch black again, as though he'd hadn't fed mere minutes ago.

"Tell me you're going to leave a piece for me, Edward. All I need is just one."

He's close enough to me that I can smell the sudden rush of venom that floods his mouth and sweetens his breath. It mingles with the blood from the bear and the musky fermented smell of death, triggering an equal blood lust instinct in me. The anger that I hold inside churns icily and bubbles up into my throat, spreading cold fingers outward over my body. I can see my reflection in the flat black mirrors of his gaze. I'm not the least bit surprised to see that my eyes are even blacker than his.

"When I'm done with Jacob Black, pieces are all I intend to leave. Feel free to take your pick."

Bella's POV

I can't seem to get warm. Even curled in the chair by Edward's bedroom window with the sun streaming through the glass I feel like I'm in the Arctic. There is a blanket on the end of the bed but I don't reach for it. Instead I sit shivering, curled in on myself trying not to inhale the scent of cheese and fried bread coming from the tray beside me. For the most part Alice has tried to respect my need to be alone, but that hasn't stopped her from finding excuses to check on me. The latest excuse being that I needed to eat. I scowl at the cold, grilled cheese sandwich artfully arranged in perfect equilateral triangles, and barely resist the urge to gag.

Unable to tolerate one more second of the smell, I finally find the will to unclench my arms from around my knees. I leave the room pausing just long enough to grab the blanket off the bed. In the yard just beyond Esme's extensive garden I find the biggest patch of sunlight I can and shed my sweater. The skin on my arms is sickly pale making me scowl in disgust. When was the last time I just laid in the sun? An image of the day of the attack floods my head and I have to force it back so it won't consume me. The memory makes me want to go back in the house. Just the act of spreading the blankets hits me with a sense of déjà vu strong enough to make me dizzy. Refusing to give in to it I pull the barrettes from my hair, yanking my fingers through the snarls, smoothing it out around my shoulders.

Ignoring every rule about sun screen and sun damage I stretch out on my back and stare at the sky. Some of the clouds have turned wispy and even when they slide over the sun they don't completely block the rays. I can feel the heat on the surface of my skin. Though it does absolutely nothing to warm me I stay where I am, determined and resolute. I know the only thing that will make me warm is something infinitely colder than the weak Fork's sunlight. Problem is I'm beginning to think I'm going to have to walk away from that warmth. It's going to be like walking away from my own life. Not that it will matter. I don't have a life without him, without his love.

A heavier, darker cloud obscures the sun completely pushing the wispier ones away. I shut my eyes as tight as I can and focus my thoughts completely on willing it to hurry up and move.

Edward's POV

Alice is waiting for me at the edge of the woods. Beyond her I can see Bella, lying on a blanket in the sunlight, her eyes closed and her hair spilling all around her shoulders. She looks unbelievably lovely. My body tightens in an unmistakable ache and I scowl at Alice in reaction to a hunger I have no right contemplating.

Bella is far enough away that she cannot hear us or be aware of our presence. I lower my voice regardless. "How is she?" I'm asking for more than just her current emotional state and Alice understands. She searches my face and I close my eyes with a small plea. "Alice, I'm begging you, please. Don't keep things from me." When I open them again she looks infinitely sad.

Her mind shows me the conversations she'd had with Bella in the car. Then she shows me more than I want to see. She shows me a future without Bella. A future where Bella, feeling alone and believing I don't love her the way I used to walks away from me forever. An unfathomable, dark, sickening future. By the time she's done my eyes are closed again.

Every time I think my stone cold silent heart couldn't possibly break any more, it does.

"You have to get through to her, Edward or you're going to lose everything. You're going to lose her, we all are." Alice's usually musical voice becomes a sibilant hiss. "You are not the only one who loves her, Edward. I can't lose her again, none of us can. Find a way to stop this."

When I open them again, I kiss Alice lightly on the forehead and whisper thank you. It takes less than a second to cross the distance between Bella and me. Even that is too long for me.

Despite the warmth of the day and the sun that envelopes her body, her skin is covered in goose bumps as though she's chilled. There is such an intense look of concentration on her face it startles me. I say her name softly and watch as her eyes open slowly. They are so full of sadness. A bottomless well of it that threatens to drown us both if I don't do something to ease it.

"Give her something to hold onto, Edward. Give her you, all of you, in every way you can."

Rose's words echo in the back of my mind, taunting me. How can I know what the right actions are? There is no denying how much I want her. Call it lust, call it love, call it what Emmett did, a primal instinct to take back what's mine. The name or the why of it no longer matters. All that matters now is that I am standing on the very edge of a precipice poised to lose the only thing in my wretched existence that means anything.

"You're back," she whispers. Two words, a simple statement of fact and yet so much more than just that. In those simple words she conveys everything she feels, all her doubts and fears, her pain and insecurity, and suddenly I understand. She doubts me because I doubt myself. She's afraid because I haven't been strong enough to not be afraid myself. And her pain and insecurity are caused by the simple fact that I've given her no solid reason to feel secure. All I've given her are words and it isn't enough.

Not in the face of what that dog did to her. Not when he'd given her so many words in the past, words that turned out to mean nothing in the end. Words he'd twisted and broken right along with her body. In my arrogance I believed my words should be enough, as though they should mean more to her than his. But he isn't the only one who's hurt her. Once upon a time it was the hurt I'd caused that sealed his presence into her life in the first place. Why should she believe in my words now? In the face of all of that, how could she? What real reason have I ever given her to do so?

I'd told her I loved her, that she was my reason to exist, and then I'd left her. I'd told her I couldn't live without her, that she was all I wanted, and then I refused to give her the one thing that would guarantee we could be together forever. Immortality. I bargained and coerced and bribed her using every tool at my disposal to get what I wanted, and to withhold from her what she wanted. I even used physical love and her need for it to my own advantage.

In that instant the indecisive nature of my thoughts vanishes completely. In its place comes a certainty stunning in its clarity. I will give her something more than weak words. If she will allow it, I will give her everything she's ever wanted.

Behind me Alice sighs, and a different future spills from her mind to mine, created it would seem by my decision. Not the perfect fairytale future I would have chosen, but perhaps one more beautiful and treasured for all its flaws. I'm not inclined to judge it. That it is a future with both Bella and I together is more than enough for me, and I am focused entirely on the present anyway.

Bella's POV

Edward's eyes are black. It's the first thing I notice and I wonder why he didn't hunt while he was away. Then I remember that his eyes had been normal when he'd left this morning and I begin to notice other things. The small smudge of dirt on his otherwise immaculate shirt and the way his hair looks as though he's been tugging at it with his hands. His eyes seem to get darker when I whisper "you're back", and his expression does as well. Like he's reading more into those simple words then I'd ever want him to. I try to look away, not wanting my face to give away even more, but like always it's impossible. More than like always, because right now he's gone beyond mere breathtakingly gorgeous and straight into the dark angel territory that makes my traitorous body spark into guilty life.

His nostrils flare slightly and a small lethally sexy smile plays across his mouth. If it wasn't for the sadness in his eyes I might have thought he'd caught some weird pheromone scent coming off my skin, giving my instinctual reaction away.

The cloud is still blanketing the sun and the air has grown cooler, but the shiver that works its way over my body has nothing to do with how cold I am.

"It looks as though the sun may have made its last appearance of the day," he remarks without taking his eyes off mine. "Would you like to come inside with me?"

It's in my mind to say no, to stay where I am until I turn into the block of ice on the outside that I feel like on the inside. There is something almost pleasurable about the thought of just staying here and never moving again. Yet already my back is aching from the hard ground and I know it's only going to get worse. I'm miserable enough without that so I nod; try to force my stiff muscles to move. Before I can even accomplish more than lifting my head I'm off the blanket and cradled in Edward's arms, his long legs carrying me towards the house. My small quick gasp of surprise is ridiculously delayed making him chuckle. I'm on the verge of telling him to put me down, though in truth it is the last thing I want, when he leans his head close to mine and whispers in my ear.

"I've missed you, Bella."