Bloody Red Doll
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are the property of Yana Toboso and Square Enix, Co. Ltd. I don't own them; I just examine all their possibilities.
Part 25
To Mr. Isaac W.A. Sutcliff:
I feel it is incumbent upon me to express my sincerest apologies for my conduct on Christmas night. There was no reasonable explanation for my actions, as they were most reprehensible. I am ashamed and regretful for my conduct and give you my most humble apologies. I ask that you find it in your heart to forgive me, though I will understand if you consider such acts were unforgivable. I pray for your swift recovery and wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Grell N. Sutcliff
Matthew did order me to write an apology to my dearest nephew. It was not the tallest order on his list and I doubted he would have wanted me to stick around long enough to compose it, but it was a reasonable request. I was still a gentleman and I could show responsibility for my actions.
Little Isaac would probably toss it into a fire, possibly chanting curses over it. Or perhaps he would frame it and put it on his wall as a reminder of his hatred for me. Ten or twenty years from now when the title was in his hot little hands, he would probably shove it in my face before having me killed or dumped on the street without a penny. Or perhaps he would actually respect its intentions and grant me forgiveness like a good Christian.
He could do whatever he felt, I could care less about any of it. As Lady Macbeth said, "Things without all remedy should be without regard. What's done is done."
I placed it in an envelope, writing "To The Honble. Isaac W.A. Sutcliff." I was just about to seal it when I heard the knock on the door. I bade whoever was there to enter as I sealed the envelope. David walked in as expected followed by Simon who was here to collect my bag. I snuffed the candle and packed my seal and wax, rising from my desk to greet David.
"The carriage is ready, sir," he said.
"Thank you, David," I said.
Simon entered and took my bag as David lead me from my room. For some reason I took a lingering look back at my old room. This has been my nursery then the room of an older boy then the room of a young man. I doubted I would ever see this room again, as I doubted I would ever set foot in this manor. I walked from the room and closed the door with no other looks back. David led me through the hallway in which I had traversed through my life. This sentimentality was not necessarily melancholy, if I never returned to this bloody place and this bloody family it would be the best for all of us.
"David, would you be so kind and deliver this to Isaac once I leave?" I said, raising the envelope.
"Certainly, sir," he said, taking the letter and placing it in his coat pocket.
"Much appreciated."
I was curious if anyone would be joining me for my march down the hallway, whether to see me off with smiles and handshakes or spit upon me and curse me out. Alas it was quiet the whole walk. The hallways were empty, not just of members of the household but servants as well. The easier explanation was that everyone was elsewhere, the more interesting explanation was that everyone was steering clear of me. Word of last night had to have spread amongst the staff by now, it wouldn't be hard to learn when I was leaving and make a point of not being there.
I was curious if any members of my family would see me off. Elijah and brood maybe, but I couldn't see Matthew or his boys leaving their chambers until I was well gone. Though maybe someone had a last minute surprise for me, maybe I was going to receive the same kind of going-away party that I received my last night at King's Crest. These were children and an overweight middle-aged man; I did not doubt my own abilities. If I had to finish the job with one of them I would gladly do so. I didn't give a damn what happened to me from here on.
Our walk finally lead to the main lobby. I could hear Jacob speaking with Elijah, but no other voices. Apparently Elijah wanted to see me off, but perhaps the firing squad was waiting quietly around the corner. We turned the corner and it was indeed merely Jacob and Elijah standing there chatting. They turned their attentions to me with their usual cheery (and likely forced) smiles.
"Are you ready to be off?" Jacob said.
"Quite, I can't wait to be back in London," I said.
Elijah smiled a little wider and took a few steps closer to me.
"I told the little ones about your pressing business in London that required your departure," he said with a little wink.
I smiled back. I was right.
"I appreciate it," I said.
"They regret not being able to see you off, but they stayed up past midnight eating pudding and singing carols," Elijah said. "I'm the only one in my household awake at present because I wanted to properly see you off."
"Sounds like you had a good Christmas."
"Well I certainly hope you have a good Boxing Day and a happy New Year."
Elijah put out his hand and I took it. He pulled me into a loose embrace and patted my back.
"Take care of yourself, brother," he said.
"I will, you have my word," I said.
Elijah pulled back and gave my hand one last shake before letting go.
"Let us not be strangers, let's write to each other," he said.
I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of receiving regular correspondence from Elijah, but he was proving himself a somewhat decent ally. I couldn't hurt to humor him a little, at least for a while.
"Certainly, I would like that very much," I said.
Elijah walked us out to the carriage to see us off properly. Our bags were loaded, it was time to leave this ruddy place and the moment couldn't come soon enough. I boarded and Jacob took his seat across from me before the door closed at last.
"God be with you and all that you do, brothers," Elijah said as the carriage took off.
I simply waved at him and watched him go back into the manor. I watched the manor get smaller and smaller against the snow until it was gone at last. How I never wanted to be back there again.
It was dead quiet between Jacob and myself, almost suspiciously so. Usually he was chatting about something, even if he was to deliver me some bad news. Last night wasn't exactly a normal evening for either of us, but he was all smiles last I saw him. Perhaps the idea of being in a carriage for the next several hours with a raving lunatic was a little more unnerving then being in a large, comfortable manse with one surrounded by other people.
"That was good of Elijah to see us off like that," Jacob said.
I nodded.
"He is a good man," I said.
"That he is," Jacob said. "Very forgiving, very reasonable, always wanting to see the absolute good in people."
His tone was kindly, though there was this tiny edge in his voice. I couldn't tell if Jacob were speaking well of Elijah or mocking him, though my cynicism was on high at the moment.
"Not to mention he cares much for you," Jacob said. "It is good to have people like that in your life."
I nodded, knowing what direction he was going in. Another tense pause settled between us. He was going to stay something I just knew it.
"Matthew told me he practically made it an order for the rest of his clan to stay away from you this morning," Jacob said.
"Because they'd probably string me up if given the opportunity," I said. "Can't say as though I blame them."
"That was the long and short of it in so many words."
His gaze fell directly on me. Here was where the serious talk was to begin.
"To say he is still cross with you would be a significant understatement," Jacob said. "He told me something to the effect of 'I am finished with him.'"
That didn't sound very promising, though none of his words carried any weight unless they were delivered to me in person.
"What exactly does that mean for me now?" I said.
"Nothing more than was discussed last night, though I must be honest with you; he doesn't entirely approve of the arrangement made," Jacob said. "He was raving pretty loudly this morning; sputtering about how he should have gotten the law involved, or at least cut you off from the family. I talked a little more reason in him and he calmed down a bit. This is still a very serious situation, Grell; don't think for a moment this is all swept under the rug."
I grimaced a little and propped my elbow against the window, leaning my chin into my hand. I knew this couldn't be that simple. Something else was lurking under the surface; it might have let me go once but it was still there lying in wait. The question that unnerved me was why didn't Matthew do anything? He was the baron after all, he was the head of the family and I nearly killed his eldest son. He could have had me executed on site with absolute impunity, instead he let me go with a slap on the wrist whilst still sputtering about how much of a villain I was.
There was an answer to this: "I talked some reason into him." I was liking this situation less and less. Elijah likely plead for my reprieve like the good preacher he was. What of Jacob? He wasn't doing this for altruism, that was for damn sure. He was probably doing this out of personal interest; what would happen if he lost an important worker? In that case why couldn't he just hire another drone with a more stable temper for a lesser salary? They wanted to keep Sutcliff Agriculture with as many Sutcliff's as they could, though I was more a liability to the family name and he knew that. Something wasn't matching up somewhere. Or perhaps his own interest was for my well-being; perhaps Jacob actually did give a damn about me and was looking out for his brother. It was a charming thought, but did it have some truths?
"I appreciate every word in my defense, Jacob; especially given Matthew's feelings on the whole matter," I said.
"You can show your full appreciation for what Elijah and I have done by keeping your wits about you," Jacob said. "I know you're not a raging beast, Grell, and I know what provoked you. In fact I told Matthew if Isaac were but a few years older and shot his mouth off like that, the recipient of his tirade would have the right to challenge him. However…"
"I do have a bit of a temper," I said with a nod.
Jacob nodded back with a grimace.
"I'm not proud of it and I have been trying to control it," I said.
"And you have done quite well, though you need to take a firmer grasp of it in light of recent events. Matthew isn't going to tolerate another slip-up, even the smallest one; you had best take greater care with yourself."
I nodded. The request was simple enough. Jacob wasn't lecturing me like a schoolboy, he was talking to me like a concerned friend and that did mean much.
"The last thing I want is to make a repeat performance and I understand the graveness of such an action," I said.
Another stiff pause settled in. There was more to this.
"Matthew said rather bluntly that he wants nothing to do with you," Jacob said. "He said if I truly thought you were that worthy, then you would be my full responsibility. He doesn't want to hear a word about you or from you. If any word came back to him of any ill conduct, then he would take you off my hands and do with you what he truly wishes. That is how grave this is, brother."
That sounded a bit ominous. That was far from the systematic punishments Matthew was threatening last night, or rather it would be every single threat rolled into one fell swoop. If Matthew felt that strongly about me, great care would be needed. But the question was who would be the one reporting my behavior?
"I assume it would be your responsibility then to report any lapses in judgment to dearest brother," I said, unable to contain the strain in my voice.
Jacob sighed hard and leaned forward in his seat.
"I know what you're getting at," Jacob said. "But the answer is actually no. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us. Secrets have done enough damage, I'd rather be truthful with you under the circumstances."
I highly doubted Jacob would keep everything in the open, but I would welcome selective truths.
"Matthew doesn't want any reports from me," Jacob said. "He said he assumes that if there are no reports all is well and he can, and these are his words, continue pretending you don't exist. If he gets any reports from a third party — a constable, a teacher, a local you offend — that is when he will take action."
"So you will be giving him no reports at all," I said.
"Not necessarily. I will still give him the occasional update but I will not be reporting your behavior. You have no reason to be wary of me in this respect, in fact his gives the both of us a little more breathing room in general; a little more autonomy. He asked me to keep a closer eye on you, monitor your actions a bit more. It is clear this means he wants me to take more responsibility for you in his self-imposed absence, though it's not as if you have out of my responsibility regardless."
"If I understand correctly, he seems to think the lack of his involvement will mean I am watched less," I said.
"Essentially, though as we both know he has not been the one keeping regular contact with you," Jacob said. "No offense to our dear brother, but this is a rather typical perspective on his part and an order that means little more than what has been in place. I didn't tell you this in the manor for obvious reasons, but I assure you little will change in out arrangement. If I see something going on with you, I will address it but I am not bound to report it to Matthew. Matthew has made his decision and he needs to live with that. This doesn't mean, though, that Matthew will not learn of any major indiscretions on your part, as I have said. Autonomy does not mean impunity."
Matthew was apparently stepping off. I couldn't say I was disappointed with such a turn of events, in fact I was relieved by the semantics according to Jacob. I couldn't imagine Jacob was disappointed with this either, quite the opposite. I could only think back to that conversation I overheard between Matthew and Jacob on Christmas Eve; Matthew clearly did not have any nice opinions about my conduct in London, despite all Jacob's reassurances. He likely did not have any nice opinions about me at all if there was any ring of truth to Isaac's ranting, but that was past tense.
Matthew did not like my conduct in London and Jacob was naturally defending it. Jacob was a scheming libertine who did little to hide his sins. Matthew was a boor maintaining airs of self-righteous sophistication, though he was clearly a mouse behind a roar. Matthew wanted me to be more like him for the sole purpose of keeping up appearances, though my interests were more similar to Jacob's. Matthew didn't give a damn what happened to me, but the idea of Jacob giving me free rein must have terrified him; it went against his order, or perhaps gave his next younger brother an advantage over him. Now I offended Matthew so grievously he was washing his hands of me.
Jacob could now have his talented little drone and companion in vice all to himself without any outside meddling. I played right into his hands, though this was my own doing. As tempting as it would be to think that he coached Isaac to let loose his words on me, that thought was more than a bit silly. I doubted Jacob wanted to put me in that much of a dangerous situation if I were that valuable. Jacob merely did damage control. Not only did he preserve a toy, but he managed to keep it without ever having to share it. Maybe this was why Jacob was suddenly so interested in openness between us; he wanted to find better ways to utilize his plaything better now that I was all his. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but I infinitely preferred Jacob's brand of fun to Matthew's. Jacob had proven himself reasonable, even if he was untrustworthy.
This autonomy did come with a price, though only if the one granting it with a huff intended to enforce his mandates. It carried the threat of dire consequences for me, but then what Matthew didn't know couldn't hurt him. However, this did mean Jacob had a bit more leverage over me. If he found out I was doing something even he didn't like, he could just slip a little information to the right people to ruin me. Even if he had tolerated something for a long time, if I crossed him or disobeyed him in any way now the trap could spring.
"I shall take heed of that without question," I said. "I love Matthew dearly and I am truly saddened by his words. However, I cannot mourn my losses only learn from them. If more autonomy comes from this, then I shall reap something good from an ill situation. Hopefully this will provide me with an opportunity to do well by him. I would rather take advantage of this autonomy and do something good with it rather than put it in jeopardy."
Jacob looked at me and smiled. He could see right bloody through me. I could only smile back.
"Spoken like a true gentleman," he said, sarcasm practically dripping from his voice.
"It's only proper," I said.
"There is no need to mince words with me, Grell. You're bloody glad to have him off your tail. I'm sure as Christ not going to report anything back to him, you may as well say it."
I smiled a bit wider.
"In truth, I bloody well am," I said.
"That's more like it," Jacob said, reclining in his seat. "I love our dear brother as well, however he bears a different perspective than you or I. I am content with us going about our respective businesses without interference, though I must say I wish it were under different circumstances as I am sure you do as well."
"Completely," I said with a sigh. "Though I am happy you and I share a perspective on this."
"There is a lot we have in common, Grell. This is why I wish for us to be more open with each other. We can be friends, you don't need to suppress yourself around me."
I smirked a little in response.
"And I would welcome that," I said.
Jacob smiled and nodded.
"Let's leave that dreadful business alone shall we," he said.
He started a conversation about some light topic, breaking any more ice between us to just get us comfortably talking. Eventually I did loosen up a little. Perhaps I didn't need to be so stiff with him. I wasn't taking any eyes off him, but caution didn't have to mean tension.
Conversation drifted off a bit into napping and a bit of reading. At last we were on familiar roads. I made a point to stay awake so I could behold such sights for sore eyes. The spires and rooftops of London appeared in the distance, welcoming me home after a tumultuous journey. How my eyes embraced them, how I wanted to practically kiss the ground the moment we entered the city. It had been just two days but two days too many. I wanted to settle back into normality, perhaps savor what I almost lost due to my own stupidity.
London was the bustle it always is, so much nicer compared to the dead quiet of Essex. We entered Westminster and I knew my own home was close, I also knew I would finally be free of Jacob's presence. As much as I did want to grow warmer to his company, at the moment I wanted to be free of anyone who shared my blood. I had more family time than I ever wanted and now I needed to purge the bile.
I was mentally cheering when we finally stopped in front of Jacob's apartment. I knew there would be some even pithier farewells, though I was willing to endure them in order to finally get him out of my presence for a few days.
"I'm sure you can't wait to be rid of me," Jacob said. "Though in all honesty I couldn't blame you. No offense but I can't wait for some alone time myself."
The chuckle that came out of me was actually organic. This was an unexpected speech, but we were being more open with each other.
"You speak truths, though in the friendliest way possible," I said.
"Of course," he said with a laugh.
Simon opened the door and Jacob rose from his seat.
"We'll be going to work at the usual time on Monday," Jacob said. "I will give you all the details for the party on Tuesday. In the meantime, get as much rest as you can."
He left the carriage, then put out his hand. I took it and he shook it firmly.
"Better things will come, brother, trust in that," he said.
"I will," I said. "Thank you for everything."
He gave one last smile and let go of my hand.
"Take care of yourself, Grell," he said, turning away from the carriage.
Simon appeared with Jacob's bags in hand.
"I will be back out soon, sir," Simon said.
"Thank you," I said.
Simon closed the door and I watched as he and Jacob entered the building. I breathed a heaving sigh of relief. At last I was free from all of the buggers. Simon emerged a few minutes later and took me back to my own familiar territory. I practically wanted to leap from the carriage the moment the building came into view. I was so desperate to be home.
At last we stopped. Simon opened the door and I followed him into the building as he carried my bags up. How wonderful it was to see my apartment again. It felt as if I had been away for eons. Matthew's words lingered in my head: this was a privilege and it could be taken away rather easily. Matthew's name was on the lease and the family money was paying the rent.
Everything was in the hands of a man who immensely disliked me, who could snatch away my freedoms on a whim; it was a terrifying thought. This was supposed to be encouragement for me to walk the straight and narrow. I read the message loud and clear, though I was made more aware of how unbalanced my situation was. My job, my finances, my home, all of these were in the hands of untrustworthy individuals who were either looking for the first reason to cart me off or using me for their own purposes.
Simon dropped off my bags, I gave him a crown as a tip for his troubles. I was in a bit of a generous mood. He left with pleasantries and I was finally alone in my apartment. The clock read close to 2:30. Now was a good time for some napping, but I would probably want to go out later. Tomorrow I would probably find Colin, let him know it was unlikely I would make rehearsal for Wednesday due to a work commitment, most of all I just wanted to see some familiar faces.
I had a separate life in London away from my family and all their expectations and obligations, though even that one would be obliterated if I stepped a toe out of line. This whole situation was plain ridiculous. I poured myself a glass of brandy and practically threw myself into my couch. I inhaled the aroma of the spirit then took a large gulp, savoring the burn down my throat and the sweetness across my tongue. I sipped repeatedly, savoring every single drop. I did not want to get completely wasted, I did want to be sober enough to get some fresh air later and more appropriately pissed later tonight. This was good time to relax and reflect on some rather important things.
The last thing I wanted to do was get myself in even more trouble than I already had. I had become a master of avoiding the eyes of authority, though one loss of cool could undo all of that. I didn't necessarily consider myself powder keg easily sparked, though perhaps I needed to take that into account. Or rather perhaps I needed to get myself in a safer situation. What would happen should I blow off again? Would I allow myself to be carted off to military school or worse? Would I have to live with this threat over me, would I become as docile as a kitten in response? What If I did and Matthew decided to ruin me regardless? I had made some enemies in my family, some rather powerful enemies who could subject my life to their whims.
I couldn't allow this; it was as plain as day to me now.
I would continue my work, my social life, work toward university as was expected of me. I had no reason not to continue with measures to better my life. I did need to start seriously thinking of the alternative. The thought had gone through my mind many times since coming to London, though this time I needed to take some serious steps. I needed to find my own autonomy; I needed to come up with an escape plan. I needed to be ready to save my own life.