What Pumps the Blood (Faster) Chapter 25: The Unstoppable, a gintama fanfic

What Pumps the Blood (Faster)

Chapter 25 – The Unstoppable

When there was a goal, one only began to count and wait.

Count on the days or months or years it took to reach that goal; wait for a turn point that could trigger the process; count on the necessary measures to inch closer to the aim; and wait to see if the efforts spent were all worth it.

Ever since her brother died, Soyo began to count and wait. She did not particularly count nor wait for the downfall of the Hitotsubashi faction, no. More than that, she counted and waited for the day her brother's dream could come true: the day where Edo were to be ruled by its own people.

Then one day, it came. With the death of Hitotsubashi Nobunobu, Edo was reformed; the monarch system was fully eliminated; the new democracy-based act was enacted, and his brother's goal was realized.

Soyo stopped counting then.

But one glance to the window that would never be opened again, and she did not know if she could stop waiting.

The first thing Soyo did after she woke up to Kamui's absence three years ago was to look for him.

Everyone had forbidden her to –for she had still been in the recovery period. But people were weak against desperate wishes. So while she could not travel to the end of the galaxy herself, she requested people who could, like Sakamoto, or Katsura, to locate Kamui's whereabouts. However, galaxy was a vast place. And to one who did not wish to be found, finding him would be nearly impossible.

And as months passed and her body recovered better, Soyo attempted the search herself. Nobody stopped her this time, but it was fate and himself that prevented her to meet him. Every search had been futile, and every time Soyo had to land back on earth, she always came with empty hands.

It took eight months after he left her and dozens of fruitless searches for her to finally give up. Soyo did not originally want to, but soon she started to see there was no point. Besides, it would be selfishfor her to leave Edo. Edo was at that time in the midst of rebuilding itself, and while Soyo was practically dethroned, she did not really have the heart to leave Edo during such a critical transition period. Then, more years passed, and the new government began to settle in, and she could technically go across the stars again, but apparently, few had been heard about him. No hints of his whereabouts, it was as if he was sucked into the black hole and intended to stay there.

But even if her years of searching bore fruit, what was there that she could say to Kamui, again? 'Hey we all forgive you and it's all cool now and you should return to earth because you can belong here?' What would she do to him if she met him again? Push him to the wall and kiss him? Slap him before allowing the firing squad to execute him? Scream at him to stop messing up with her mind (that he seemed to fluidly do even in his absence)?

What and why and how and all the questions grew. And the more the questions mounted, the more that Soyo hesitated.

She did not know what she wanted.

So Soyo stopped.

And when she stopped, she could only do as much as hoping and waiting.

But three years after, what was there to wait, she did not exactly know.

She thought she knew. Him, was her initial guess. But then days passed and months passed and years passed, and the surety started to desert her. What was it about him that she wanted –needed – to wait? When she posed herself a question of 'what are you actually expecting, Soyo?' she answered her own question with silence. She did not know what she wanted anymore. If she wanted for the right thing to happen, then this was the right thing to happen.

After all, Edo was safe. Gin-san returned. Kagura and Okita, two years after the downfall of the Hitotsubashi, tied the knot. Shinsengumi's official re-dissolvement was not something she wanted, but at least the members were now all parts of the reformed government and minus the shenanigans, were all carrying out their duties properly. Otae was cured from the White Plague and just had her first baby with Kondo last month. Sacchan and Nobume remained by her side…and the days Soyo thought she could not live became bearable.

Was it all?

When one was bound to wait for something that she could not even possibly knew, one could only push the desire to the lowest pit of her heart and lock it there.

"What a rush, Okita-san," Soyo commented after the couple confessed to him. "Second baby bump already? Soichiro is barely four months old."

"I have calculated that I need at minimum five descendants to ruin Hijikata-san's life until he turns 50. So this is actually a perfect planning, Hime-sama."

A whack on the head was received by the sandy-haired boy. His wife was screeching on the background ("You only do the easy stuff! Why can't you also feel the pain of labor and the backache and the sickness?! And where's my sea salt caramel pudding, bastard?! I've asked for it like three minutes ago!") and Soyo only chuckled at the everyday display of antics in the Okita household.

When Soyo was not needed to assume the role as the government's advisor (and lately, with the settling government, her advice was less needed), she liked to spend her days dilly-dallying at the Okita household. The Okita couple was easily two of few favorite people that Soyo liked to be with. Kagura was forever her best friend, and Okita was always like a twin brother she never had. On weekends like this when she visited, the husband and wife actually battled on who could be a better host to the former princess. It was always festive, always lively in the household. Both Kagura and Okita were precious to her, and Soyo knew that she was equally precious to them.

But…

"Goddamnit, China," Okita rasped when Soichiro's cries broke from the other room. "You must have forgotten to change your son's diaper again!"

"What?! Just when it's inconvenient to you, suddenly he's not your son?! You go take care of him as well, you bastard!" Kagura yelled back.

Soyo snickered. The couple never ran out of energy to spat venoms to each other.

"Well, prove to me that you are a capable mother!"

"You prove to me that you are a decent father first!"

"Fine!"

And with that, the couple dashed towards the next room where the crying Soichiro was. Kagura, even with baby bump of her belly, still had all the power to pit her husband down to the floor. Okita looked like he was just seconds away from kicking his own wife, had he not remembered she was pregnant. Grumbling, both of them tried to stand each other and focused on the parental task first thing first.

"Soyo-chan, wait for a while, okay?" Kagura shouted, and Okita nodded apologetically to his former retainer before he, too, disappeared behind the door of the next room.

Soyo knew she was precious to both of them, just as they were precious to her –but she knew that she would never be their most precious one now.

She smiled to herself and gazed at her surrounding. The Okita now rented a small house for them to live in. The interior design clearly clashed: an element of Chinese decorating here, and modern Japanese there. It was easy to tell that neither of them was willing to shed each of their own preferences for the others completely.

But there were compromises. Two people who always found a ground to disagree with each other had agreed to bound themselves in the holy matrimony. Kagura and Sougo were different, but at the same time, very similar to each other. Such connection was what people would call a soul mate, and Soyo knew Okita was one to Kagura, and vice versa.

And as to hers?

(Nowhere. A girl with heart as monstrous as her only deserved a demon, and even that one left her too)

Soichiro's loud cries brought Soyo back to reality. It seemed that neither Kagura nor Okita was truly capable of silencing their first born. They would need time, need each other, and Soyo knew that was her cue to leave.

So she knocked on the other door to announce her plan to leave. Both Kagura and Okita made the gesture to stand up and tried to prevent her from leaving, but Soichiro cried louder.

With a chuckle, Soyo just shook her head and assured her dear friends.

We all have our places in this world, and mine is clearly not here.

"You have Soichiro to take care off first, dearest awkward parents," she said with a beam and a bow before she took her leave.

"…So if Okita-san and Kagura-chan's next one is a baby girl, I actually want to match make her with Gin-san's baby," Soyo recited her 15-year-ahead plan in the making. "Imagine the dread. Gin-san is actually quite a proud father, and the only time Okita-san and Kagura-chan can actually work together is when they are assuring Gin-san that Soichiro is the better baby."

There was no one to answer her chatter. The tomb was built modest in the public cemetery still, but Soyo took comfort in believing her brother's spirit was sitting on top of his own tomb, listening to each of her daily story.

Ever since the downfall of the Hitotsubashi faction three years prior, her brother's name had been cleaned again. Soyo had refused to have his brother's tomb be moved into a grander place, for she believed that any land –so long that it was Edo's, would be perfect for her brother's last resting place. The other higher-ups had questioned her decision, but Soyo had stuck through it. In this public cemetery, Tokugawa Shigeshige was closer to the Edo people he loved anyway.

And while the tomb bore no excessive decoration, ever since three years prior, more people came to her brother's tomb. Ever since, there had been not a day where his tomb was free of other visitor. There was lesser privacy for Soyo, but Soyo knew she could not complaint, for this was exactly how his brother wanted it to be. Surrounded by the people, loved by his citizens –Soyo couldn't have it any other way.

But these days had been cloudy, and his brother's tomb had no visitor that day. The sky growled above her, but she rarely had the time to be alone with her brother again lately. So she decided to welcome the upcoming rain; the umbrella was already opened as she kneeled in front of his tomb. Soyo had made it a habit to visit her brother's grave daily –unless there was a really urgent matter that propelled her otherwise. She would have come with stories, chatters, gossips, wicked plans –anything. His brother needed to know that the land he cherished was now in good hands, and everyone was happy.

And are you?

Soyo smiled to herself as she placed her hand on Shigeshige's tomb. She exhaled a deep breath. It was a rare chance to be with her brother alone, but aside from the story regarding Kagura's second pregnancy, Soyo did not really have anything else to report.

"Aniue-sama," she fondly called over her brother's nickname. "It's so peaceful nowadays. I wish I can retell you stories about Hijikata-san's being embarrassed in the council meeting, but I've told you that one," she pondered. "Or how Saa-chan was captured for public indecency, but you have also heard that one."

And what about you, sister?

"I don't have anything to say about that," Soyo muttered with a shrug. "All's fine, I guess. Bought a new curtain for a change of mood, but I'm not sure that's what you want to hear."

The sky seemed to protest, but Soyo really had nothing else to offer.

"That's really…" she paused and a heave of deep sigh escaped her lips. "…That's really all to it."

People had long stopped asking if she was fine.

Not that she had to convince them otherwise, but there were times when the rain just fell harder on the land of Edo, and her heart mellowed, and she could not fight the crippling emptiness.

The scar on her stomach that he had left stung. And sometimes, just sometimes, she wished she could just gnaw her fingers deeper into the old wound –finishing what he once could not have done. No, she was not really suicidal or anything, not really. But sometimes she just wanted to open up her own self, to look, to confirm, whether there was really something else aside the emptiness in this mass of body she forced herself to carry day to day.

Sometimes she just needed to confirm whether she could still bleed, whether she was actually still alive, because there were times where she was not sure she was.

And there were times where she just did not know what she was doing anymore. Sometimes she found herself nearly moments too late from putting her finger inside her throat to choke out the excessive sleeping pills. Other times, she found out that she had scars on her wrists she did not really realize she had made herself. It frustrated her because she was not supposed to be this weak. It was even more ridiculous to acknowledge that this was caused by a man who did not even look back when she was calling his name.

Soyo never cried ever since she woke up alone in that hospital room three years ago. She refused to acknowledge the growing emptiness that was starting to swallow her by each trickling days.

"Oh, you evil guy," she spat the curse just as she forced herself to spit out the pills she swallowed too much.

She did not cry, but she often laughed. If Kamui was a monster and that monster had left now, why must it felt like her own monster growing stronger day by day?

Not all things must be granted, that she realized. The fact that the land her brother loved dearly was prospering was more than everything she, as the former princess, could expect to have. And there was no lie in that fact –she would not have traded Edo's current peace with anything else. Perhaps because she was raised to devote herself to her country, but Soyo had everything carved in her mind that her own needs always came second when compared to the country's needs.

"But you seem to forget that you're no longer a princess, Hime-sama," Hijikata said one day when Soyo came to the deputy office to visit him.

The room reeked of tobacco, but from time to time, Soyo liked to visit the government office just to check on few things. Kondo's room might have been free of tobacco, but he would probably ramble about his son than inform her on the country's domestic affairs. Thus, for the latter purpose, Hijikata was always Soyo's go-to person.

"You can start acknowledging that fact by stop calling me 'Hime-sama' then, Hijikata-san."

"That's your nickname," Hijikata persisted. "And while I always, always value your inputs to the government affairs, I don't want you to be bound by it. You've done us more than enough, Hime-sama."

Soyo smiled. She knew that she might have been nosier these days, but people seemed to forget that she just needed a distraction. A purpose in this life whose goal she could no longer see.

"I might not have been saying it correctly," Hijikata added an afterthought as he scratched his head. "You're never a burden to us. You're always more than just a monarchy symbol, more than a tradition to be uphold. You're always more than all of that. But we…at least I… I don't want you to live the rest of your life be burdened by something like these boring governmental affairs."

Sipping her tea delicately, Soyo deliberated. She loved all the other Edo and Kabuki-cho folks. But when she was in the mood for a more substantial talks, they mostly would turn everything into something comedic. It was always in Hijikata that she could trust a little bit of less humor –at least for so long that Gin-chan and the Shinsengumi were not involved.

"I know I may be intrusive, but…" she paused. The storm inside her heart started to howl and her monster was close to eating her up alive. Smiling sadly at the man, she eventually confessed, "I just need a place to be, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata drew a long inhale of nicotine, before he butted the cigarette to the ashtray and faced her again.

"And I would have given you that place, Hime-sama. I would have, really, but that place for you is not here."

She absentmindedly glanced at the big window behind Hijikata. "Where is it then?"

"You know where it is."

"I don't."

"That space pirate."

Soyo raised her face to look at Hijikata again. Okita and Kagura, and as a matter of fact, everyone else, would have never mentioned that name in front of her. There seemed to be a mutual agreement among her folks that his name remained taboo. Hijikata was probably the only person who dared to confront it directly to Soyo.

And it was nothing new. So there was no need to beat it around the bush in front of Hiijkata.

"I don't even know where he is, Hijikata-san," she reminded.

"No," Hijikata shook his head. "You just don't want to know where he is," he corrected. "You could have asked Sakamoto to look for him. You could have gone through space to look for him, nothing is binding you here anymore, but you never do that."

Soyo raised an eyebrow. "Are you, a public official, actually instigating me to look for a space pirate who has breached this country's many laws?"

Hijikata smirked at that. "I am now not speaking on behalf of my title. I'm now speaking as someone who considers you my own sister. And in that latter's capacity, I'd say, go for it."

The former princess only chuckled. She was about to drag the conversation to a lighter note, but it seemed that Hijikata was not letting her slip away again this time.

"That one person for me has left, Hime-sama," Hijikata spoke gently; only the most tender memory left to reminisce the only girl who could shine his life. "She is already in a place where I cannot reach. Yours, however, is still here. If you allow yourself to."

Soyo gave a long stare to Hijikata. Just like how Kamui was a taboo name for her, Soyo knew how Mitsuba was a taboo one for Hijikata. Exhaling a deep sigh, she regretted over it. She did not wish for Hijikata to remember something as painful as losing his loved one forever, and Soyo felt guilty that Hijikata had to do it. "Hijikata-san –"

"Don't worry about me," Hijikata added quickly. "My soul has accepted what destiny has drawn for us. But you are a different case, Hime-sama. Deep down, your soul is still searching for him, and I'll tell you, for so long that you have not let him go, your soul will never be at peace. So you…don't make me, us, worry."

Soyo wanted to rebut the point. She wanted to argue, but the look on Hijikata's eyes made her unable to do so. Hijikata-san... at least for him, Soyo would conceal everything with a reassuring smile.

"Alright."

Soyo wished though, that someone could let her know the definition of 'moving on'.

Her life, admittedly, had been on stale for the past three –going four – years now. When her dearest Aniue-sama died, there was a period of staleness too, but soon she was preoccupied with lots of other things: the run from the then-ruling Hitotsubashi faction, the strive to save Edo people from the tyrant that was Nobunobu, the fight to overthrow those who did not deserve sitting on the thrones, Kagura-chan's return after five years, and then him.

Things that kept her preoccupied moved her forward when she thought she had lost everything. But now that each of her friends had their own families to tend to, now that the government was moving forward to rebuilding itself, few things kept her occupied.

And nothing gave her a purpose anymore.

And without a new purpose, she was not sure how to move on.

Matsudaira was always concerned over her. She knew that he had been silently giving her new purposes. But for so long that her heart was carried by someone somewhere in the galaxy, it was easy to ignore these new offered purposes.

"So, you'd probably grow tired of me saying it for the eighth time already, but the son of Lord Kageshita still maintains his position that he wants to marry you," Matsudaira reported to her one day.

"I'm hardly a princess anymore. I don't even really have many assets or inheritance. Please tell that guy it brings no benefits for him to wed someone like me, Matsudaira-san," Soyo noted.

"He does not care for all of that, Hime-sama," Matsudaira replied softly. "I know this boy personally. He's a nice kid. Probably not the most dependable guy ever, but he's a good guy."

Soyo smiled and nearly wanted to throttle. "I don't deserve men that nice, Matsudaira-san."

"What do you think you deserve then, Hime-sama? Some run-down space pirates whose whereabouts are unknown? Criminals?" Matsudaira scoffed. "Youdeserve better, Hime-sama."

"I'm not good –"

"Do think of other excuses, Hime-sama," Matsudaira said as he shook his head. "And make up your mind. Either you seize the opportunity to marry this good guy, or you go search for your own space pirate bad boy. I wouldn't mind either way, Hime-sama, but now, you're doing neither. You're no longer trying. This sight of you now, my apology in advance for saying this, but…you absolutely look pitiful," Matsudaira ranted. And once he realized what kind of impoliteness he had just displayed towards his previous employer, the old man bowed again, "I'll accept any punishment for my words. But I won't take back what I said, Hime-sama."

Matsudaira was about to stand up when the soft voice called for him again.

"When?"

Frowning his eyebrows, Matsudaira replied, "Huh?"

Soyo slowly directed her gaze back towards Matsudaira.

"When can I meet this Kageshita guy?"

"You finally laughed."

Soyo stopped her giggle and stared at the man whom she had been going out for one year. The latter, the young Kageshita, had just fallen into the muddy pool when he tried to save the package he was carrying. Her cackle had died down, but the softness in her eyes did not leave the man –who had given her a new reason to live the days. "I'm pretty sure that was not the first time you saw me laugh," Soyo clarified as she extended her hand to help Kageshita.

Kageshita smiled back but he shook his head to refuse Soyo's extended hands. Soyo pulled her hand back, but the boy –two years older than her – chose to remain on his spot, completely dirtied by the mud. "You'll get dirty," he reasoned.

"That doesn't matter much," she assured and was about to extend her hand again, but he shook his head.

Eventually he got up from the mud pool himself. "Nah. Girls are not supposed to get dirty."

Soyo smiled at that. She was sure that there was no hidden meaning behind his words. For the past one year of dating Kageshita, Soyo had learned that the guy was probably one of the most sincere men out there. Always the type to wear his heart on his sleeves, and sometimes was dubbed as the 'rich simpleton' (courtesy to Sougo Okita), Kageshita always meant what he said, and said what he meant.

It was always relaxing to be with him. A boy whose vilest thought would probably only to the extent of whether accidentally touching her butt would warrant him a month of anger, and Soyo appreciated each and every of his thoughtful gesture. Such a pure boy and out of the two in the relationship, it was always easy to tell who was the S and who was the M. Sometimes Soyo pitied him, sometimes Soyo thought she did not deserve him, sometimes she –

"This is not my ideal plan for this, but…" Kageshita trailed as he unwrapped the little package that he had been carrying –the precious thing that cost him falling to the dumpster. Soyo waited as he patiently unwrapped each layer, before one diamond ring was extended to her.

"Ah," he noted himself when she said not a word. "My hands are dirty right now, I'm so sorry," he bashfully looked down. "But I just feel like I have to do it today, or I'll forever lose my guts."

She looked at him, at the pretty blush that was spreading on his cheeks. The honest, kind man who had given her everything and probably gained nothing in return.

Soyo thought she wanted to give something back in return.

The words came after nearly a minute of silence and nervousness, but when it came, it held nothing but a promise of a lifetime worth of security.

"Soyo, I intend to take care of you from this day onwards. Would you allow me to marry you?"

Soyo glanced at the ring. It was a simple one. Kageshita could have bought one more intricate and expensive, but he just knew exactly what type of ornament she liked. Kageshita would accept her for the way she was. Kageshita thought of her before himself. Kageshita was technically the only thing she should ever want and need.

"…Kageshita, I –" don't think I'm ready for this, but she swallowed the last part in.

"O-or is there something still holding you back?" he asked, slight dejection started to seep into his voice.

No. There was nothing that was holding her back.

(But there was a memory, a past, a touch, a man, a soul that was always chaining her down, and she was all but shackled and bound by the heavy sentiment that kept her tied)

But Kageshita did not need to know that.

"Thank you," Soyo accepted the ring and the beam on Kageshita's face was so bright, it blinded Soyo.

It was funny how when she thought she was ready to move on, she was pulled in the universe's mechanism so fast. First, a new man that appeared in her life. Then, the betrothal. Then, when in fact it had spanned another eight months post the proposal, it quickly forwarded her to the day before the wedding.

Everything ran so fast when she hardly put any thought to it.

"Shouldn't you be inside? Your wedding is tomorrow, right, Hime-sama?" Okita asked as he walked towards his past retainer –who was standing by the beach. Kageshita family owned this private sea resort and the place was fully reserved for the wedding the day after.

"Shouldn't you also be inside, Okita-san?" Soyo asked back. "I'm pretty sure I heard Kagura's screaming for you to help her take care of your two kids. Or else, I heard she would hang you as a piñata on my wedding day?"

Sougo chuckled. "I'm sure the last part was your own initiative. Don't give China new ideas on how to torture me, Hime-sama."

"The first part is very much true, though," Soyo argued. Kagura did wail constantly on 'this useless husband of mine' who never helped her with the domestic chores.

"Nah, just for a while," Sougo said as he pocketed his hands inside his beach shorts' pockets. Kagura had, after all, ordered him to check on her best friend. "It's pretty windy this night. You really don't want to go inside?"

"Nah, just for a while," Soyo returned the words with a grin.

Sougo sighed. He knew that Soyo would appreciate more time alone in this night before her wedding. He knew that behind the pleasant smile and the calmness, there must be thousand thoughts in her mind. He had known her for years, taken care of her for years as well. Sougo always held back the words he wanted to say to her out of fear she would break. But now, at least now (before never), he thought he just owed her some piece of his mind.

"All in all, I just want you to be happy, Hime-sama," he started. "So, are you?"

She turned her face towards him and narrowed her eyes in puzzlement, "I'm getting married tomorrow."

A faint smile crossed the sword bearer. "You're not answering my question."

"Well," Soyo pondered. "I don't deserve answering your question with anything in the negative," Soyo said. "I've had all I want now. My brother's wish, Edo's prosperity, my friends' happiness, and my fiancee's happiness."

"Yet you're still not satisfied."

Soyo chuckled. "Am I just a selfish woman if I admit to it?"

Sougo shook his head. "One cannot be forced to acknowledge happiness if she is not happy."

Soyo narrowed her eyes. Oh, how vile and shallow of her. Now she thought that marrying someone would finally ascertain her friends that she had moved on, but of course, to those really close to her, there was no use to hide it.

"I can't disappoint Kageshita. Not at this point."

"That's really your choice. I will stand by your side no matter what choice you make, Hime-sama."

She tilted her head. "Even if I make a wrong choice?"

"Did I forbid you from meeting that space pirate back then? He was one bundle of wrongchoice and more, but I let you be, remember?"

Soyo chuckled at the memory. "You pointed your sword against him back then."

"That time I was not certain of both your feelings. But once I have it all confirmed, I've never said anything against it, have I?"

A helpless chuckle escaped her lips. "Maybe you should have."

Sougo smiled to himself. The younger girl said nothing after that, and he knew it was his cue to leave. There. He had said what he wanted to say. He had promised her what he could promise. Now it was all back to her decision, and Sougo decided to let her have it her way. Before taking his leave, Sougo dropped his jacket on top of Soyo's shoulders. "Will you be alright on your own?"

With an assuring and grateful smile, Soyo nodded. "I will. I always am."

The sea waves crashed upon the rocks noisily that night. But every beat of the drumming noise the sea created bring even more peace in the storm that was hurling in her mind.

Soyo exhaled a deep breath and tightened Sougo's jacket over her shoulders. It was a summer night, but the temperature had dropped a couple of degrees and she started to sneeze. Maybe it was time for her to get back inside.

Get back inside, stop all this drama, go to sleep, because tomorrow, she would wake up different. She would wake up and soon be someone else's wife, and she would have a new life unfolded before her, and it was time, goddamnit, it had been years and she knew it was time for her to…

"He's not coming," she whispered to herself.

…to let it go.

The constant wave sounds were her only replies and she chuckled. What was there she expected to find? An answer God would give her through the universe? Through the sea, through the waves, when everything, when her answer had always been there inside her heart and she knew perfectly well that –

"He's not coming," she repeated, and the tears fell from her eyes –the first time that she shed ever since that night four years ago. "He's never coming back," she sobbed.

Sougo's jacket was soon ruined with her tears and snots. While she knew Sougo would probably earn Kagura's scolding later, Soyo mercilessly continued to sob onto his jacket.

"Stop waiting," she begged. "Stop waiting, you fool…" she pled to her heart, to her mind, because she knew she had to get away from this place, and return to the place that had been comfortably provided for her.

….here.

Soyo stopped her sobs and quickly lifted her head. Did she just hear something? From the sea? From the darkness? She focused her attention to the surrounding, to the voice she thought she could hear. But she must have been hallucinating. Because there was no one else on the beach. All that was there were the dark sea and the moonlight and the memory so fragile it would fade soon.

But her feet took more steps into the water. It was cold, it was wet, and soon it reached her knees, but she could not stop, because she thought she heard the voice she had been longing to hear for years already and…

I'm here.

The sudden blast of wave upon her chest startled and awakened her. It soaked her, but at least it brought her back to reality. She was in the middle of the sea, a couple of feet away from the safe sands and the tides were high. This was getting out of control. She laughed at herself. How dangerous. Soyo shook her head and turned around, trying to get out of the sea water when she heard it again.

I'm here, won't you be here by my side?

She was stunned, and she stopped on her track. Staring at her surrounding where there was nothing but the water, and it was really getting more hazardous. This was ridiculous. If she was found out washed away as a corpse on the night before her wedding, that would be catastrophic. This was stupid. She was not hearing anything. Don't get delusional. There might have been evil spirits who wanted her to die before her wedding day, and Soyo knew she could not let people mourned over a stupid decision of suicide or anything, because that would be –

I'm here. I'm always here. Don't you miss me?

Clear. The wound on her stomach stung again and her heart wavered. The sound was clear; the voice was clear. Maybe it was her ghost. Maybe it was his ghost. Maybe it was the monster that never chose to leave her and now she was getting dragged into –

"K-Kamui?" Soyo stammered, and before she could be rational, she turned her body around again towards the sea, and started to go further. The water was on her chest level now, and this was suicidal, this was stupid, but –

I miss you.

His voice. It might not have been his voice. She was sure that if it had been him, he would never want to put her into peril again. It was a demon's voice. And she knew she just had to get herself together and not be tricked, but it was just that… it was just that…

(I miss your voice. Is that your voice? Don't let me forget your voice. Don't leave me. Here. Here I'm always here. I'm always here so why won't you come to me and let me –)

"Kamui!" she screamed to the sea, and the only response she heard was the hurling and loud sound of the waves crushing onto her, toppling her down, and she was submerged, she was drowned, and she thought she heard a monster laughing somewhere.

Got you. He'd never come back. He's never yours. You'll never have him. He's never coming back.

(You're not coming back?)

Won't. Nope. Never. But let's just drown here, drown here and it was better than to be up there where you live your days carrying only a corpse that was your own body. Down here was better, down here where you could be reunited with the monsters, and let's die together and –

It was not Kamui. It was not even the sea spirits or Gods or nature's call. It was only her monster, her delusion, and as the water surrounded her and she started to lose her consciousness, she knew it would be the end, and at the end of the day…

"You'll never come back," she muttered the last words and laughed. And when she laughed, the sea water got inside her lungs, and she felt her body was dragged down by the currents force, and she was all but a piece of rock waiting for moments to be fully submerged before –

–a hand grasped her wrist. She could not see anything in the dark water, but maybe her monster took pity of her and allowed her to see one last delusion.

A whiff of long, braided orange hair and a gruff voice.

"What the hell are you doing, brat?!"

Soyo was imagining things, and she would die soon anyway, but at least…

…ah, he came.

Kamui did not come back.

Soyo woke up with a jolt and the first thing she felt after the headache was a sting of slap on her face.

The slap brought her back to the reality much faster than anything else. She seated herself and as she nursed her slapped cheek, she looked around. She was in an unfamiliar room. It was all white, but it hardly resembled heaven. Because there was this sterile medicine scent, and the hospital equipment, and surely, heaven (or hell) did not have furious blue eyes and orange hair that spat onto her right that very moment.

"What the hell did you think you were doing, Soyo-chan?!" Kagura screamed at the top of her lungs.

On the other side of her bed, Kageshita quickly tried to calm down the clearly enraged best friend –now already held back by her husband. Sougo tried his best to control his wife's temper, but Soyo could also see the look of pure disappointment on Sougo's reddish eyes, cast directly to his former retainer.

"N-now, Kagura-san. I know you're worried, but Soyo is still recovering. I think it's better if we give her a moment to adapt," Kageshita tried to calm Kagura down before he looked down to his fiancée. There was a look of pure relief and sadness on Kageshita's eyes, and Soyo dreaded everything that happened.

Oh no, what kind of idiocy had she just committed?

"K-Kagura-chan, Okita-san…" she mumbled before she turned her attention to her fiancée. "K-Kageshita-san. I'm sorry, t-the wedding, is it still –"

"That's the least of your worry now. You should focus more on getting yourself better," Kageshita assured as he put his hand over Soyo's forehead.

"No, you should focus on getting your fucking mind back on its track!" Kagura still howled, tears were brimming on her eyes. "What the hell were you thinking?! Do you know how worried we all were?! Had Sougo not decided to go back and check on you again, you would have, you would have…"

Soyo confusedly tried to lock her gaze with Okita –who was still holding both of his wife's arms. Okita. It was Okita who saved her when she just stupidly got carried by her own hallucination. Who was she expecting?

"Yes," Okita affirmed with iciness on his eyes. "And don't expect me to do the same thing again, Hime-sama. I don't ever want to undergo the same dread of thinking you might be dead again."

"I…" Soyo muttered, speechless. Was she really that weak? Did she really almost commit a suicide? Over a hallucination? Over a delusion that was her own weak heart's making? Was she really that frail? To make all these people worry for her? To ruin the day of her wedding?

Her jaw hardened and the wave of shame washed over her. "I-I'm sorry. I really didn't understand what was going on in my mind. I…I'm sorry…"

Kagura did not seem like she was ready to accept Soyo's apology, and the Yato girl was close to slapping her own best friend again, but Kageshita quickly tried to tone down the situation. Soyo's fiancée tried to assure that the two had better given Soyo some air now, and that he needed to speak alone with his fiancée.

Kagura still ranted, and Sougo still had those disappointed look on his eyes, but the two eventually agreed to leave Kageshita alone with Soyo.

The shock from everything had not really made anything sensible to Soyo. But once Kageshita dragged a chair and sat beside her hospital bed, Soyo opened her mouth first.

"K-Kageshita, I-I'm sorry. T-the wedding. I was so reckless. I was so careless. I didn't know what had gotten to me. I –"

"If you really want to cancel the wedding, all you need to do is ask, Soyo. You don't need to take a suicide for that," Kageshita started slowly.

"I wasn't planning to!" Soyo insisted. "I mean, I know it looked like I was trying to commit a suicide, but I… I just…I really wasn't myself that night. I was just hallucinating, and I just thought, I just thought …"

that he came. But that could never be the case.

Soyo buried her face to her hands. Why? Even now that he never came, why couldn't she just erase him completely off her mind?

"…I've told the guests. And I've cancelled the catering and everything. The wedding's off."

Soyo hiccupped. She did not know how long had it been since the supposed wedding day. "I'm sorry. I'll take responsibility. I'll contact and apologize to all the guests and invite them again. I'll pay and reorder the resort rent, the catering, and we can choose another date and –"

"No, the wedding's off, Soyo. I'm breaking our engagement."

Soyo finally pulled her face away from her hands and stared at her fiancée. Kageshita was smiling, but it was so bitter that she felt the emotion was surging up her ribcage again. "W-what?"

"I thought I could save you," Kageshita spoke slowly. "I thought this new life I offered could give you a new purpose, but it couldn't. I couldn't."

"K-Kageshita," Soyo tried to reason. Kageshita. This man was the one who had filled her past year with something else. The most patient one. She knew she had disappointed him a lot of times, but this time, of all times, she could not do it again. "Kageshita, what happened that night was entirely my own act of stupidity. I promise it won't happen again. I won't let myself take such an impromptu foolish decision like that again. I-I told you, I really wasn't myself, and I –"

"I love you, Soyo," Kageshita cut in and her heart ached over the sincerity in it. "And I know you care for me too. But I can never be the person your heart truly wishes for. And for that I'm sorry."

"Why are you the one apologizing?" Soyo dreaded. "Why must it be you, when I'm clearly one at fault, when I'm clearly the one who –"

"The person you love might be wrong, but you can't lie to yourself, Soyo," Kageshita assured as he held her clasped hands. "I'm not the one who can save you."

"Kageshita –"

The man pulled his lips into a big smile. But his warm hands soon left Soyo's, and in the absence of such warmth, his words were the only thing he left before he exited the room.

"This past one year has been fun, Soyo. Thank you for that."

Soyo did not think she ever deserved Kageshita's gratitude.

If anything, she knew she only deserved his wrath, his disappointment, his hatred. She wanted him to yell back at her, slap her if necessary even, she did not care. He had tried his best, he had given her his all, and all she could give in return was only a year-worth of wasting his time. She was never in love with him, but she genuinely cared for him. And it broke her heart how she had cruelly broken his.

But she could not lie to herself. It was not as if she had not tried. She wanted to love him back. She wanted to move on. She wanted, oh, she wanted so much to return all of Kageshita's kindness. But at the end of the day, she knew the very truth herself. Kageshita just happened to say it out loud to her.

Kageshita could never be the person her heart truly wished for.

Soyo buried her face to her palms again. She hated herself more. She knew she did not deserve acting like a victim at this point, but it was just her heart; her rebellious heart that refused to be tamed down, that was always pumped by something faster, viler, sharper, crueler…

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

And since she promised not to lie to herself again, she promised that this one was also not a lie.

"I, too…" she sobbed in the place where Kageshita was no longer be. "This past year has been fun, Kageshita. Thank you so much…"

It took Soyo three days before the hospital agreed to release her. It also took four more days before the Okita household decided to open their door for her.

Sougo was the one who opened the door for her. Kagura seemed to still be in her angry period, and she had chosen her kids as the reason for her inability to meet Soyo. Soyo thought that she deserved it, at minimum. She had thought about it herself, and had the situation been reserved, had Sougo or Kagura almost died in front of her eyes, she would have also treated them the same.

Still, the apology was always in order. No matter how redundant, it was still the only thing she could offer.

"I'm sorry."

Though Okita had opened the door for her, it did not mean he was ready to act all casual with her. "You should be, Hime-sama," the ex-Shinsengumi captain coldly responded. "And I asked you before whether you would be alright, and you said yes. Then you made that almost fatal stupid decision. To be honest, it would take years for me to trust you again," Sougo claimed.

"I really thought I would be alright," Soyo confessed. "I didn't lie. I really thought, but apparently, I thought wrong."

Sougo stared down at the younger girl. This was meddlesome. Why must his life be filled with so many meddlesome women? Shaking his head, Sougo decided that he still needed to corner her. "What were you thinking, really?"

"I didn't even know," Soyo admitted truthfully. "My heart has probably always been weak, but that night, maybe it was at its weakest. I was lulled. I was tempted by my own vile thoughts, my own illusion. I…" she shook her head. "I have no excuse. I'm sorry, and I promise that won't happen again."

"Didn't I just tell you that it would take years for me to trust you again?" Sougo reminded.

Soyo grimly accepted it. "Then that's already more than I deserve."

Sougo did not attempt to say anything else after that, but he made no gesture to leave his living room either. Soyo thought that it was her cue to bow her head down to seek for more apology again. But then the doors behind Sougo slid open, and a furious looking Kagura made her appearance.

"Kagura-chan –"

"What the hell were you thinking?" Kagura spat the same question again. "After making us, all of us, worried to death, what do you want now, Soyo-chan?"

"I'm sorry," Soyo apologized again. She could not even fathom herself, and she did not expect other people to understand her action when she barely understood herself either. "I really have worried and caused trouble to a lot of people. I have no excuse. And I'll take responsibility for whatever troubles I've caused."

Kagura sighed, but she decided to sit beside her husband and together, they gave the condescending look to her. "Did you really think that death would give you the answer you were looking for?"

"I wasn't planning to commit a suicide, Kagura-chan," Soyo assured.

"That was not the first time, was it?" Kagura mercilessly accused. "Anego said that she often saw you buying lots of sleeping pills. And I'm sure there's a reason why you always bandage your wrists all these times, isn't there?"

Soyo took a gulp down. In embarrassment, she confessed, "…Sometimes I'm not myself."

"Are we really not enough, Soyo-chan?"

Soyo lifted her face up just in time to see Kagura wiping the tears off her own eyes. Behind her, Soyo could see how Sougo was secretively caressing his wife's back.

And the question was familiar. Years, and years ago, when Kagura first found out that Soyo had a little secret relationship with her brother, Kagura had asked her the same question. Soyo suddenly had the urge to slap herself. Had she really brought this much trouble, this much worry towards Kagura and the others?

"You're all the reason I can continue to live," Soyo confessed, and there was nothing but the truth in her words.

"But not enough reasons to fill the emptiness in your heart?" Kagura continued.

"I –"

"At this point of time, I wish you'd be more honest to us, Soyo-chan. At least you owe us that," Kagura said before Soyo could come up with the same old excuses.

And Soyo chuckled bitterly to herself before she let it all out. Kagura was right. Honesty was the only thing she could offer them.

"…I thought time could heal," Soyo slowly admitted. "I thought I could forget. I thought I could bring myself to let go, to really move on but…"

Kagura and Sougo both never took their eyes off her.

Soyo buried her face on her palms again, because this was embarrassing, because this would only convince Kagura and Sougo that she was nothing but a weak girl with a weak heart. But at least…at least she owed themselves a bit of truth.

"B-but it's always him. My heart always seeks for him. My minds are always making excuses to think of him. And that night… that night I just thought I could hear him, and I was imagining things, and I thought he was there with me," she scoffed. "I was hallucinating. Okita-san was the one who was there. I was…just so stupid."

Sougo glanced at his wife –who maintained her posture straight and her arms crossed over her chest. He sighed. His wife would give him a beating and scolding for this, but…

"You were not completely imagining things, Hime-sama," Sougo said, and she paused –waiting for the hit that would come from his wife. But there was none, and as if through her silence, Kagura was prompting Sougo to continue.

Soyo raised her face slowly. "What?"

"That man was really there. When I decided to go back to the beach to check up on you, he was the one who carried you off the water. He was the one who originally saved you."

"What?" Soyo hissed. That could not be. She had accepted the fact that she was one hell of a delusional woman. She had seen her wrongs. Surely Sougo could be nice, but he shouldn't be that nice to make her believe in something that she knew she was not supposed to believe and –

"He's been here sometimes," Kagura added after much hesitation. "I mean, I couldn't let my kids grow up without knowing their only uncle, so…" she shrugged. "So I had told him to come back once in a while. And he did. He'd been on earth back a couple of times, but I… I always forbid him to see you. And he never protested. I think he knows his place."

Soyo stared dumbfounded.

Kagura sighed and averted her eyes to look at anything but Soyo. "I thought it was not his place to meet you again," she repeated. "But I was also the one who did not know that your place, that his place was actually…" she did not want to continue the words.

Soyo still did not say a word. Kagura and Okita surely had their reasons of never letting her know this, and she would not argue to that point. But the fact that Kamui… Kamui had been there…

"I thought it was for the best," Kagura eventually resumed her speech. "But if what I think is the best should be traded with you going to a place we can never reach again," she shook her head. A defeated smile crossed her face as Kagura finally decided. "Then maybe you two sickos should really find that place to be with each other."

Soyo suddenly stood from her spot and looked down at the couple. "He was here? H-he... is here?"

"On the way to go back to his hunting mission," Sougo added. "I believe he's scheduled to leave soon."

Soyo widened her eyes. This was her chance. She could finally find that bastard and drag him down and slap him and shake him off and really, hurt him real bad for all the misery he had caused her. But was that it? Was she ready to confront him? After all these times, after all these four years…

Sougo also stood up. "I can take you to the private rocket departure terminal," he offered. "But that's only if you're prepared for the consequence," he said, and Soyo could see the last attempt of warning Sougo wanted to give her. "Remember, you can only have damnation if you choose one hell of a villain."

Damnation? Soyo thought about it and chuckled. If it was damnation that she would have for giving that jerk a piece of her mind, then she knew the answer right away.

They were the runaways.

For all these years, Abuto had all the reasons to abandon his stupid captain, but the older man had accepted his fate: that he would forever be babysitting one hell of a captain and follow him to the other end of the world. For years they had hopped from one planet to the other, purged the monsters away for the innocent civilians in various planets. From pirates to space hunters. It had been such a drastic career change, but Abuto was used to all the frantic impulsiveness his captain had in mind.

Though this time, it was different.

"You're really sure you don't want to see her again this time?" Abuto asked the mandatory question he always had whenever they were on earth. His captain was already climbing up the spaceship's ladder, and was only two steps away from getting into the vessel. Two steps, one closed door, and it would be the same routine again: running away from galaxy to galaxy in order to avoid the only thing he could never truly escape from.

At least Kamui turned around and gave an almost heartfelt grin. "Have I ever been unsure about that?"

They had returned to earth a couple of times after that incident four years ago, but Abuto knew that this time was different. This time, his captain had witnessed himself how the girl he had left nearly ran out of all reasons to live. Abuto thought that if was to be a change on his captain's mind, it could only be this time.

"You don't want to check on her condition?"

"Nah," Kamui muttered idly. "She's in a safe place. Anywhere but near me will be a safe place for her. Now let's go, Abuto. We have a long journey to take. Are you driving the spaceship or not?"

"Yeah, we'll –" Abuto paused when he felt something was buzzing. Taking his phone, he saw the peculiar number of the earth policeman the little miss had married herself to. Frowning, but curious as to what the policeman had to say, Abuto allowed his captain to take the next step up towards the spaceship before he picked up the phone.

Kamui had entered the spaceship and realized that Abuto was not coming with him. Popping his head by the door, he asked his subordinate below. "What is it? You're not coming?"

Abuto stared up at his captain before he turned the call off. A whisk of grin mildly crossed his face before he shouted up. "I am. But I got something else to do first."

"Something else?" Kamui asked when Abuto eventually climbed the stairs up to the space ship. The older man got inside the spaceship and stood behind his captain. "What is it about?"

Abuto shrugged. "I've been wanting to do this for a long while, Captain."

"Huh?" Kamui asked.

But before he could demand more clarification from Abuto, the latter had grabbed him by the collar. And without much ado and with all ignorance towards the protest, Abuto excitedly threw his own captain off the space ship.

Kamui cursed as his chest hit the surface of earth. He growled and quickly stood up –ready to give Abuto the beating of his life. But Abuto only calmly pressed a button, and the stairs of the spaceship were folded up, and the door closed. It did not even take the next three seconds for Abuto to start the spaceship engine and the propeller readied itself to launch the spaceship.

"Abuto!" Kamui screamed at the departing spaceship. "Stop this! What the hell do you think you're do–" Kamui could not really finish his words –for something had pulled him down and he was left to fall back to the ground on his back.

There were two sights that he saw. First was the spaceship Abuto had launched away.

And the second, was his very own monster.

With red kimono and black hair blowed by the wind, this country's very own former sadistic princess was standing over his lying body. The sun was behind her, and Kamui could not see her expression, but he knew it was her, always her, the face that had always haunted him all these times, the chains that he could never break free, the monster that would one day bring him down to the lowest pit of hell.

"Y-you –" Kamui still could not finish his words, but this time, it was not because of surprise. It was because of the tip of the sharp sword that was pressed against his throat.

"Oh, don't get all too excited, Villain," said the evil princess with sword held firmly against his neck. "I'm not here to make amends. I'm here to make you pay for all the mess you've caused."

The sword that had made a thin red line on his neck was a proof of that. It baffled him. The little girl whose life he had nearly taken a little too often in the past now had his life on her hand.

"W-what?" Kamui mumbled; all still made no freaking sense to him.

Soyo smiled so bright, but the tip of the sword was pressed tighter. "In other words, I'm here to challenge you to a fight, Space Pirate-san!"

It took Kamui a complete three seconds to blink, to think, to wonder, and even after then, he still could not understand the whole thing.

There was a face he had longed to see and touch for all these years; the face and the woman he could never allow himself to hold or even to see again. But this woman was here now, all flesh and blood, and not an unconscious lump of body he had found in the sea a week earlier. But there was no softness or mercy on her face. Her face might have been all smile and cheer, but the words she said did not have a single hint of hesitation.

After seemingly a while, Kamui eventually brushed the tip of the sword away from his neck. This was ridiculous. All these times, he had fought it within himself to erase her existence from his mind. He had strengthened his will not to think of her (always failed, didn't you?). He had suppressed all the urges to touch and hug and kiss and be with her, all these resolves… he had successfully made it. Kamui did not know who eventually gave away the information of his presence on earth to Soyo (ah, his cheeky sister, of course), but one thing for sure, he did not have time for this.

He had stronger resolve than this.

Wordlessly, he got up and turned his body around. Abuto was certainly not on his side this time but that did not matter. This yard was not an official spaceship terminal and there were no other spaceships around. But a couple of blocks away was the actual terminal and he could jump into one of the spaceships that could take him away. Where to, it did not matter, for so long that he could get away.

But the sword was swung to the side of his neck again. It stopped before it could tear his skin, but he could very much feel the cold metal side on the left side of his neck.

He chuckled. With his back still facing her, he coldly told the stubborn kid.

"I don't have time to play with you."

There was no deter in the voice of the sword holder. "Didn't you hear me?" the voice so feminine (Goodness, just how much he had missed that voice?) resonated behind him. It was clear. It was determined. "I'm not here to play either, Kamui. I'm here to challenge you in a fight."

Whoever gave this brat the ridiculous idea to play around… it did not matter to Kamui. He was not going to be some former princess' playtime during her boredom period.

"This is ridicul –aww!" Kamui screamed when he felt a medium-sized rock was thrown to the back of his head. In reflex, he nursed the back of his head and turned around to see that the girl cladded in kimono still had her sword pointed at him, andsome more rocks on her other hand. He hissed, "That hurts!"

Soyo gave no response, and if anything, just threw another rock –this time, it hit his chest in one powerful launch. Then another. And another.

Kamui could easily dodge each of it, but he was more pissed at her actions, that when she finally ran out of rock, he snapped at her, "What are you, a child?"

"At least I'm not a coward," Soyo icily said. "I might be a brat. I might be foolish. But at least I stop being a coward and I'm here to face and settle everything off."

Gone was all the playfulness. Even Kamui thought he had enough of all this nonsense.

"Everything's been settled that day, and you should have left it that way," he returned the statement equally as cold.

"Kamui –"

He had just turned his back against her, but on the whiff of impulsiveness, he decided to confront this brat again. A cheerful smile so wide, it stretched from ear to ear, was presented on his face. He saw her halt. He saw her hesitate.

Good.

And let him add more salt to the wound.

"I'm sorry, brat," he took the initiative to speak the words again. "It has been years. It was fun playing and spending all those times with you back then," he shrugged so nonchalantly and sealed his heart so tight, because the pain that crossed her eyes did nothing to deter his will. No. Never. Could not. "It's over now. We might have shared something back then, and I'm sorry if I gave you false hope, but," he chuckled and the words that were rolled out of his tongue stung him more than it might have stung her. "But you think everything is still the same?"

He could see Soyo flinch; and it took Kamui all his own willpower to assure himself.

"You think I, what, love you?" he chuckled, and he gritted his teeth even tighter because that was the only way to suppress the sudden tightness in his chest. "Maybe I did. But now I…" he shook his head again. "Now I'm only –"

crazy about you. Longing for you. Having you and your voice haunting my dreams in night and the memory is the only thing I could have. Do you know how much I want to go back? Do you know how much I've been keeping it all in? Do you know how much of an insane man you've made me be? Do you know how much I want to hold you, and hug you, and kiss you, and be with you, but I can't? Do you know just how much you've always, always–

Even gritting his teeth did not enable him to shake off all the misery she had put him through all these years. And looking at her (ah, still the prettiest thing he had ever laid his eyes on, still the brightest sun in his darkest heart), it did him no repair. If anything, Kamui thought he would break and break more with every sight of her, and…

…he just needed to stop.

So he walked away again.

"If you no longer care about me, then why did you save me back then?!" Soyo screamed at his back. "No, why you were even there?! You could have left me die drowning, yet you couldn't. That must have meant something, right?!"

Kamui fought the urge to roll his eyes. It seemed that the earth policeman could not help himself from keeping the secret. "Just a retribution, don't read too much into it," he nonchalantly said. "I nearly killed you back then. The least I could do was to pay it off. Anyway, I don't have time to play with you. Got a spaceship to catch, so good bye. Please don't meddle with me anymore."

Soyo wasted no time to swing her sword again to him. But this time, he had caught the sword at ease and pulled it off her. The action brought her closer to him, and her familiar scent infiltrated his nose –it really took all his self-control to just stop before he went completely mad.

"Your game ends today, Brat," he hissed his warning.

"I won't let it end, Kamui," Soyo said haughtily as she grabbed the hilt and pulled the sword back from his grip. It sliced the skin of his palm, and he grimaced slightly, but she did not care. Little injury like that was nothing to the hole he had created in her all these years. "I won't let it end," she assured him.

He sighed as he shoved her body away from him (too close, a second more too close, and he might fall to her again). "What does it take to make you stop pestering onto me?" he growled.

What does it take to make me forget you? What does it take to make you disappear from my dreams and nightmares? What does it take for you to stop haunting my days and night, princess?

"I told you. A fair and square fight."

Even Kamui had to chuckle at that. "Are you freaking serious?"

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Soyo demanded without a trace of smile on her face. "You're not the only one. I also want to escape this, Kamui. It's making me crazy. You're making me crazy."

"You're already crazy to begin with. Don't put the blame on me," he spat back and thought that he needed to correct her more. Besides, who did she think she was? Who did she think was making him crazy all these time then?

"Settle this one once and for all," Soyo never backed down. "Fight me. If you win, you may go. And if I win, you have to stay here by my side."

Kamui widened his eyes. He had asked this question before, but he thought there was no harm in asking it again. After all, the brat had just waged the most ridiculously impossible bet ever. "Are you freaking serious?"

Soyo only raised an eyebrow. "Yes. What? You're scared you'll be defeated by a girl?"

Kamui chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. Soyo did not share the amusement, so he decided to laugh out loud on her behalf too. When she did not share his laugh, when she still did not lower her sword, Kamui halted his laugh immediately and told her straight to the point.

"Objectively speaking, and no matter in what perspective you see it, you can never win against me, brat."

Soyo rolled her eyes. "I thought I told you I don't like being called a 'brat'."

Kamui scoffed. "Well, you are a brat! A ridiculous one and –whoa!" he took a step back when her sword was swung forward towards his face. It made another light scratch on his cheek and he stared at her completely speechless. "Come on. You don't seriously think you can win against me?"

"Who knows? Maybe I've grown stronger over the years? Why don't you try to find out? Got your umbrella ready? Want to try shooting me like the first time we met?" she sarcastically challenged.

He shook his head when he saw her readying herself for another lunge forward. "Fine. I can finish this in a second," he muttered to himself.

It was easy for him to kill. It was easy for him to win. Soyo might have lunged forward, but it did not require Kamui a single drop of sweat to jump off before her sword could pierce him. He did a salto in the air and stealthily landed behind her, and quickly, he knocked the tender spot of her nape.

She grunted when the side of his hand made the hit on her nape to make her unconscious. He winced. He did not want to do this again to her, but some brats needed to really learn.

Soyo stumbled down, and Kamui knew it would take only a few more seconds for her to lose consciousness, but then she made her next unpredictable move.

She used her own sword to stab her own thigh.

Kamui widened his eyes as Soyo fell to her knees and rasped out of breath. Princess was never meant for battles. And he knew that she was never physically anything above the ordinary in battle, but what she had just done just further confirmed his legitimate belief.

"Are you crazy?!" he shouted for the umpteenth time.

The blood might have been a blur against her own red kimono, but Kamui had witnessed how the sword was stabbed to her own thigh. All just for the sake of –

"You think you can use the same trick twice?" she groaned. Fallen to her knees, Soyo was –but the fire in her eyes never dimmed down. "Coward," she mocked him again. "You tried to knock me unconscious again? A little bit of pain and I can keep myself conscious. I've learned, Kamui."

The shock in his eyes never left as he stared at this…this utterly unbelievable sadistic, cunning, mischievous, unpredictable young girl who had always, and always ruined his whole world and…

Soyo planted her own sword to the ground and used it to aid her stand. She stood limply with one her thigh injured, but she stood strong. She stood unwavering. "Go ahead. Try knocking me unconscious again. All I need is just to tear a bit of my own flesh. It means nothing. It means nothing if I can just win over you."

"You're …" he was baffled. "You're insane."

A sweet smile finally crossed her face. "How nostalgic. I was and I am, right?" she paused before her eyes narrowed again for her next round of determination. "You're still not taking the initiative to attack? Fine," she decided as she charged in.

Still baffled, Kamui avoided each and every single swing of Soyo's sword. It was easy. Her moves were always those of a novice, and he knew that she knew she could never win against him. And perhaps she really was as manipulative as she had always been. She knew that he would not try to make her unconscious again if it was at the stake of her stabbing her own body. And he knew he could never lay any real harm on her. This damn woman, this witch, this wrecked kid, this vixen, this –

Kamui must have been too distracted with the whole ordeal, with this opponent that was physically not even one-hundredth stronger than him, but whose fire would always manage to burn him down, that he did not really realize her next move. Soyo suddenly ducked down and swept her leg as hard as she could to topple him.

Kamui felt the gravity brought him down, and then his back hit the ground, and then he saw the sun, before her body shadowed over his.

"You were open," she muttered quickly. Breaths labored, she quickly jumped onto his laying form and straddled both his sides to lock him. Her kimono was swept open slightly and her sword was pointed straight onto his throat again.

What the hell?

Her long black hair fell onto him; it touched his cheek. He smelled the blood, sensed the monster and Kamui could not really do anything but to gaze up in complete surprise at the demon that was looking down at him.

"Do you yield?" Soyo asked as she pressed her sword closer to Kamui's throat.

Kamui narrowed his eyes, and while the whole thing was still beyond ridiculous, he refused to acknowledge her victory. Even more so when her victory meant that he had to stay by her side –because he just could not.

(I could not stay by your side. Don't you see? You're better off without me, why can't you understand that?)

"Don't get cocky, brat," Kamui grunted as he effortlessly pushed her body aside, grabbed her sword, and turned the position over. Soyo was now laying on the ground and he was the one straddling her on this open yard in the middle of the day. The memory of the last time he was this close to her nearly made him lose his resolve again. But he had to get the message across. He would never hurt her, no he could not. But he just needed to threaten her, to make her see that –

Soyo quickly flung her knee up and it met Kamui's groin in one painful jab. Kamui groaned and whined and cursed. Soyo made no waste of movement and she quickly jumped towards Kamui again. The sword was forgotten and while he was still trying to hold the pain in his nether area, he also tried to get her off him.

He might have clawed her in the process, probably brushed his knuckles against her. The rough sandy ground scrapped each of their backs in turns. On his part, they were all unintentional. On her part, the pain she inflicted on him were all intentional. He tried to control his power, but she gave it her all. By the time he realized it, she was still straddling him, but no longer was there a poised young princess above him.

What was there was a woman whose black hair was such in a complete disarray, whose kimono was slightly loose due to all the frantic movement –far from elegant and grace, whose face was marred by the dirt, and whose lips were slightly cut somewhere in the middle of the struggling.

What was there was a witch, a monster, a demon.

What was there was the only woman he could sell his soul and be damned for eternity for.

Kamui sighed. He thought he wanteed to reprimand this girl with his usual derogatory nickname of 'Brat', but he had enough.

"Soyo," he called, and the name was both the lightest and heaviest thing to roll out on the tip of his tongue. It both quenched his thirst and starved him. It was both the air he needed and the poison he could not inhale. "Soyo," he repeated and he sensed her shoulders trembled. And he could feel his own voice was cracking too. "Soyo, please. It's enough. I don't, I can't hurt you more than this. Why won't you understa –"

"No!" she screamed and he was fazed. "No, you shut up, Kamui. You're the one who should understand and fucking listen to me, you hear me, you pussy?!"

The vulgar words, the threats, everything that was inappropriate that had just been spoken by the once most respected woman on this land made him gape his mouth wide open.

Soyo did not care. She did not care she had become the most foolish, desperate kind of woman her people would probably never have approved of. Jiiya's teaching for her to be graceful and poised, Kageshita's sincere wish for her to be happy, Kagura and Okita's constant warning against him, even her dearest brother's probable wish for her to find a decent man to be with… she did not care.

Kamui was anything but decent. Kamui was a villain, and no matter how much he might have tried to redeem himself, nothing would erase the fact that he was once a blood-thirsty killer who had slaughtered many. There was no excuse for him. There was no mercy for him. Just as there was no excuse nor mery for her.

But didn't I tell you? I will bear your sins for you, for us. I will…

Big droplets of tears fell from her eyes onto his face and Soyo gritted her teeth in the utmost frustration.

"A-all these times, all these years, have you ever wondered how much I was struggling, Kamui? Yes, everything else was okay. Yes, the Edo I love is growing back. Yes, my friends are all by my side and all are safe and all want me safe and I love them. But no matter what, no matter how fulfilling, no matter how I should have been one grateful brat, I could not, never could, erase the emptiness I continuously feel in my heart," she sobbed. "Do you know how much I suffer?! Do you know how painfully devastating each day has been when you're not here? When I don't even know whether you're alive or not? When I can't have you, because I, no, because you, y-you…"

His heart tightened at the sight of this young kid bawling her eyes out.

"It's empty," she continued. "It's hollow. You've had me in your curse. I-I can't… I want to be by your side so much it hurts, it's killing me. Do you freaking know how much you've ruined me?!"

He stared up at her and the words that was stuck at the end of his throat only came out in much difficulty.

"Soyo, I…" he clicked his tongue in equal frustration, in equal desperation. "You really don't understand. I want you. I desire you. But…"

(You will, with your own two hands, destroy everything that it is you desire)

Housen's words to him were not a curse. Housen's words to him was a premonition. It had been proven, and Kamui never had the heart to destroy (again) the only thing he wanted to hold within his arms.

"But I can'twant you, you see?!" he screamed back. "I've hurt you. I've nearly killed you. I can't. I don't deserve being with –"

His speech was cut when he felt her small hands were both grabbing his collars. She drew him close, and still wide-eyed, he again witnessed how much she was so fed up with all of these.

"Bullshit, don't claim you're doing this for me, Kamui!" she yelled. She yanked him and shook him –even nearly slamming his head to the ground. She let her grip around his collars go, but Soyo slightly untightened her sash. His eyes widened when the princess –now anything but prim and proper, loosened the front part of her kimono, grabbed his hand and forced him to feel that uneven skin on her stomach.

The scar. The scar on her stomach which he made with his own two hands…

"Your doing, right?" Soyo venomously reminded. "Yes, it hurts. Yes, it stings. Yes, it almost killed me four years ago," she continued as she pressed her hand on top of his for him to feel, to remember the damage he had done to her body. "And the scar sometimes continues to burn me all these years. You're right. It is your hands that did this to me."

Kamui winced at her confession. Quickly taking his hand off her grasp, he decided to spat back. "Then you understand, don't you?!"he shouted. "You understand that I can't be with you because I can only hurt you and –"

"But here," Soyo interrupted as she pressed her finger to the spot on her left chest. "Here, it burns a hundred times more."

Kamui's next word died on his throat.

"It hurts so much more here when you're not with me," Soyo said with teeth clenched so tight. She was an ugly sight now, but she did not mind being ugly, if only he could see, if only he could understand. "Kamui," she rasped and she brought both her hands to cover her face because even now that she could see him, it would mean nothing and it would burn her whole everything if Kamui still did not get it, if Kamui still refused to be by her side even after this. "Kamui, please," she cried. "Please understand. Please understand that only you…this hole in my heart can only be filled by you."

She continued to cry then. He continued to stare up at her.

Soyo hiccupped. "And I don't care that I'm being stupid. I'm being desperate, or a brat, or a monster, or a demon, I don't care. I really don't, because I-I…"

Her cries had diminished into trembles. She still could not take her hands off her face to see him. It still hurt. It still –

She heard a laugh.

A demonic, psychotic laugh that came from beneath her. Kamui. After all of these, and the only response she got from him was his laugh.

Angry, Soyo pulled her hands off her face and was ready to spat crueler words to this spiteful demon back. But what she saw beneath her was not a demon.

What she saw was a boy, whose face was so helpless, whose eyes were also equally as exhausted. What she saw was only a boy who had suffered equally as much all these time.

Can I? Can you accept me for who I am? Am I allowed to be by your side? Do I deserve your mercy? Can I really love you, princess?

Kamui had both his hands on the side of his head, palms open and were facing her. A sad smile was spread on his face as he noted slowly, fondly, carefully, dearly.

"Brat," he began, defeated. "…I can never win against you, can I?"

("Fight me. If you win, you may go. And if I win, you have to stay here by my side.")

Soyo stared dumfounded at the orange-haired man. Only then that she had the chance to really look into him, to the face that had filled her waking days and sleeping nights. Not much had changed. Still the same childish-looking face, still the same hairstyle… He might have grown taller, and maybe four years had changed something from him, she did not know, but…

Could she know?

"Y-you mean it?" she stammered. "Y-you will stay by my side?"

A faint smile was his reply. He had closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, they were the clear, determined shade of blue she could get lost forever. "Yes," he confirmed. "I too," he tried to reach out his finger to her. If she refused him, by all means, he would accept it. But if he was allowed to, if he could, he only had one wish:

"This emptiness in my heart, it can only be filled by you."

And before Kamui could speak of anything else, before he could do it himself, Soyo grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulled him up, and pressed her lips strongly onto his.

It scorched.

Kamui widened his eyes. It was one sunny day, but not even the sun could burn him more than this girl's presence. It had been too long. Kamui did not even realize he missed this one thing until he was allowed to touch it again. And the fire, the kiss –it was sloppier than he last remembered, but it was everything he had ever wanted. Her lips were trembling and he could even taste the saltiness of the tears on her lips. But the longing, the desire, the relief were translated blatantly into the kiss and he felt his stomach churned and his knees weak, and…

…how could he even think he could live without her?

He was a monster, and she was probably nothing better. In each other they might have been cursed together, forsaken forever. The world would probably judge them; people would probably never truly accept them. He was rough around the edges and she was nothing perfect either.

But no matter how rough, no matter how wrong, no matter how imperfect, they were still each other's missing piece of puzzle. And for this imperfection that was so perfect, they would embrace it. And even if Housen already cast his curse, Kamui would do all it took to break it.

(So I promise, this time I will, with my own two hands, protect you, the one that I cherish)

Soyo pulled herself away from the kiss and Kamui's heart already yearned for more. But she kept her face close to him, so close that they could hear each other's breathing, feel each other's skin, be burned and be damned and be cursed by each other's presence.

"I," Kamui rasped as their noses touched each other and he snaked both his palms to cup each side of her cheek. So warm, so alive, flesh and blood and so much more than the reverie imagination of her that had kept him company all these years. Her chocolate eyes were still brimming with tears, but her face had been brightened by the smile he had missed so dearly. He chuckled. "You're okay if I can't let you go after this?" Kamui noted fondly as he caressed her cheek. "Because now, I don't think I can hold myself back anymore."

Soyo smirked. "Do you really need to ask?"

Her. She glowed to him. Every sight of her really caught his breath away.

And when he arched his back up to claim her lips again, she all but accepted it. It filled her. It completed him. Kamui never let go of her lips as he pushed himself up from the ground and he wrapped her arms on Soyo's back, supporting her as he kissed deeper and lower, because he just… missed these all so much. He kissed her with all the passion he had, all the desire he hid, and all the feeling he thought he could stop growing. Her lips were always the unholiest thing he had ever tasted, and for that reason, he knew he could not get enough of her. So he sucked the sweet petals of her lips.

Soyo moaned when she felt Kamui's tongue went pass her lips and her heart did all the somersault in the brink that made her feel like she could not breathe. Her moan did nothing to slow his blood down, and he did not think he could get enough. And he wanted her, so much, so damn much, because he knew that she wanted him equally as much.

But a sudden clearing of throat was heard. With much annoyance and reluctance, Kamui pulled himself away from Soyo just to see Okita glancing down at them.

"I don't normally interfere in this kind of thing, but this time I regretfully have to," in deadpan tone, Okita said the exact same words he had used to interrupt them on their first kiss years ago. "I might wish only happy thing for Hime-sama, but that doesn't mean I can allow this level of indecency to my master, Villain."

Kamui rolled his eyes and only latched himself onto Soyo even more so possessively. "Ah. Should you really be this strict to your own brother-in-law?" Kamui snickered.

Soyo chuckled but she pushed herself away from Kamui, much to the latter's dismay. "Well, Okita-san is right. It's kind of indecent for us to do it here and –"

"Oh, the hell with decent," Kamui insisted as he grabbed Soyo's waist and pressed her closer to his embrace. And before Soyo could say a word, Kamui buried his lips on her nape and unashamedly kissed her on the spot that made her immediately yelp. "The brat and I are never a model couple anyway. But you're free to watch if you can bear it, Brother-in-law," Kamui said with a smirk before he continued to nuzzle on Soyo's nape.

Okita rolled his eyes but eventually decided to turn his back on the stupid duo and walk away.

"Asshole. Wait until I let your sister knows about this."

Soyo did not particularly see things in black or white (and how could she, when the thirst in her soul could only be quenched by a man as contradictive as him?). And Kamui registered limited things in his memory (but her, he swore, would not only be registered in his memory. He would carve her in every cell of his brain and burn her existence in his soul).

But the moment she surrendered herself to him and the moment he was drowned in her, sometimes he wondered.

"Does it stop here?" Kamui asked, and he wished for the eternity, even a cursed future would do, for so long that he was sharing it with her.

Soyo smiled and her hands gently cupped his cheeks as she promised.

"It does not."

What Pumps the Blood (Faster)

-End-

A/n: There you go folks! Thank you for staying with me until the end despite all the cliffhanger and the multiple errors, OOC, delusions, and craps I have in this fic.

But mostly, thank you for giving Kamusoyo a chance. I know that this ship is problematic and it has gained a large number of haters, and while it may not be canon, I wholeheartedly believe there could be a strong foundation for these two. Though delayed over the years, it has been such a fulfilling experience to write about them and give my own rendition of what their relationship could be. I might not write another Kamusoyo fic in the future, but I do hope to read about them more, so if for some morbid delusion I have turned some of you into their shipper, I'd love to read stories about them in the future :) One thing for sure, I will always ship them because they have sealed the deal for me. Kamusoyo ftw!