I updated earlier than usual because I think you guys deserve it, but don't expect it too often--I just happened to have this one almost finished when I posted the last chapter. This is the last of the Europe Chapters.
Special thanks to yoyoente who donated her idea to have Edward swim across the Atlantic...I didn't EXACTLY use it, but I figure you deserve credit for that particular slice of comedy.
And I would also like to apologize to Miss-Blanche-Dubois, whose laptop computer I seem to be responsible for ruining. Per her request (to avoid further mechanical damage to any of my readers who find themselves having laughing fits with various liquids in their hands), I will insert her recommended warning:
"Put the tea cup down and continue reading this on a desktop computer as opposed to a laptop where all the machinery is under the keyboard where tea is likely to leak in the event of a seizure."
See. I'm always happy to oblige.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 5:04AM
Subject: You have ten minutes.
Okay. It's been twenty-four hours. I know I said I'd call you, but, well…Alice and I had a bit of a…disagreement yesterday and pretty much every phone in the hotel room (and a few major appliances that the hotel is making us pay for) got demolished, including Alice's cell phone, which I may have rolled over in the scuffle.
But the point is, I expect to have a reply from Edward in ten minutes. And not one of Emmett's burning-loin facsimiles, either, but an actual message from my actual husband.
I'm waiting.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 5:09AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Bella. It's Edward.
How are you? Where are you? I've memorized your itinerary, but I can't be sure that you're where you say you are since it's you and Alice, and you two keep arguing and changing your schedule.
I'm sorry I haven't replied to any of your e-mails or messages. I wanted to, trust me, but Emmett took away my laptop (I've been borrowing Rosalie's since you've attached yourself to mine) and my phone. They held me down and made me watch more war movies.
They seem to think the only reason I was so melancholy was because I didn't have enough distractions.
Now that I'm here, though, and have something else to concentrate on, I think I'm feeling a bit better. It's good for me, having something else to do. I still miss you (very, very much, in fact) but it's no longer the only thing I can think about.
But how are you doing? How was Greece? And Romania? I'm sure you'll have lots to tell me about that.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 5:14AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
…I don't believe it. I want the real Edward and want him now.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 5:22AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Bella…it really is me.
Emmett's only given me thirty minutes on the computer, though, so I'll have to be quick.
I feel very much as if I'm in prison.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 5:26AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Sorry, I'm jus no buying i. Emme or Jasper or whoever his is, you are NO my Edward and if he's no on his compuer in five minues I'm calling Rosalie.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 5:32AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Um...I'm sorry?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 5:58AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Sorry, my supressed rage made me put my finger through the "T" key. Luckily for you Alice has fixed it and there's no lasting damage or I'd rip the "T" section out of every phonebook in the greater Alaska area and make you eat that too.
What I said was:
Sorry, I'm just not buying it. Emmett or Jasper or whoever this is, you are NOT my Edward and if he's not on this computer in five minutes I'm calling Rosalie.
And I mean it!
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 6:04AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Bella, please! How can I make you believe me? It truly is me!
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 6:06AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
I've dialed the first three numbers!
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 6:12AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
FINE! I'll put him on.
Okay, Jasper's going to untie him. While we're waiting, can I just ask, what gave me away? I thought I did a pretty good job of imitating Edward's I'm-not-hopelessly-whipped-I'm just-concerned attitude.
And by the way, I resent having my heartfelt e-mail called a "burning-loin facsimile." I worked very hard on that! Was it the word burning? Would you have preferred I say "my loins are aflame at the thought of you"? Because I considered that, but it just didn't have the right feel to it.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 6:16AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
I would actually prefer if you didn't make any reference to your loins at all, burning or otherwise.
And what do you mean you're having Jasper untie him? What have you done?!
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 6:21AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Oh, we just knotted his arms up in some of those faded pajamas you wear to bed sometimes. We figured he wouldn't want to rip those and we were right. His disgusting sentimentality was actually useful for a change. Who'd'a thunk?
But while we're on the subject: footie pajamas? Really? Come on, Bella, how old are you, six?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 15 – 6:24AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Do you really want to push that button?
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 15 – 6:27AM
Subject: Re: You have ten minutes.
Right. Sorry. Oh, Edward's coming and—
Oh. That's not a happy face.
Look, Bella, I'm going to have to haul ass in a minute or be in a very severe amount of pain, so it was nice talking to and I'm going to go hide in the closet and cover my important bits. I'll talk to you later.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 8:32PM
Subject: I'm cured!...kind of.
Location: Sweden
Alright. After eight days of severe Edward therapy I think I can start to recuperate.
But don't you ever do that to me again.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 23 – 8:39PM
Subject: Re: I'm cured!...kind of.
It was hardly my choice.
And it's good to know you're feeling better. I, for one, won't be able to fully recover until you're home where I can see you
and smell you and…well, I'll save the indecent comments for when we're in the privacy of our own bedroom.
But believe me, I've had endless hours alone with my own thoughts to think up all the various ungentlemanly things I'd like to do with you.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 8:47PM
Subject: Re: I'm cured!...kind of.
Aw, that's so sweet. Luckily this trip is almost over so just hold those thoughts and I'll be home as soon as I possibly can. Today we're in Sweden, but we're heading off to Finland tomorrow and then, finally, Russia. Of course, I still refuse to agree with Alice that Russia is a "logical stopping point in our journey, not only for its historical value, but for the country's exquisite fundamental retail facilities."
Translation: Because the shopping's good.
I'm going anyway though, because, hell, it's Russia.
One thing I've been meaning to mention. Ever since we left Thessaly Alice has taken a very keen interest in my education on all things European. She keeps sending me off to these different museums and libraries every night and on midnight tours of historical villages. Meanwhile, she goes shopping.
At first, I thought, Great. I don't have to try on anymore brillopad sweaters or pointy heels of DOOM AND DESPAIR (I am not exaggerating, those boots she made me wear had pitchforks for heels).
But the other night, when I suggested that I go with her—I didn't want her to feel like I hated spending time with her; I just hate spending time shouting at her over dressing room walls—she seemed almost violently opposed to the idea. Now I'm starting to wonder if there's another reason why she doesn't want me around at night.
Hey, you don't think she's having an affair, do you?
Ooh, intrigue!
Love and kisses and hugs (etc.),
Bella
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 23 – 8:51PM
Subject: Re: I'm cured!...kind of.
I highly doubt that Alice is engaging in adultery, no matter how suspiciously she might be behaving. Why don't you just try asking her why she doesn't want you to go with her? I'm sure she'll explain and get it all out in the open and it will be something completely silly.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 8:56PM
Subject: Re: I'm cured!...kind of.
Mmm…nah. I think I'll just follow her, instead. Much more fun that way.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 23 – 8:59PM
Subject: Re: I'm cured!...kind of.
Giving you suggestions is quite startlingly similar to talking to my bookshelf. I'd have just as much influence then as I do now.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 9:04PM
Subject: Re: I'm cured!...kind of.
Oh, you know I love you, and your wonderful advice, it's just—Crap! She's leaving! Gotta go!
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 11:16PM
Subject: Alice's dingy little secret
I'm feeling a bit dazed. I almost can't believe it's true. It's just so…so unexpected. I just didn't see…not in my wildest imaginings…
WOW.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 23 – 11:22PM
Subject: Re: Alice's dingy little secret
What on earth is the matter? Is Alice living a double life? Does she own twenty Swedish orphans? Is she secretly a man?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 11:30PM
Subject: Re: Alice's dingy little secret
She…she…Alice…she…
ALICE.
SHOPS.
AT THRIFT STORES.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 23– 11:34PM
Subject: Re: Alice's dingy little secret
Beg pardon?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 23 – 11:43PM
Subject: Re: Alice's dingy little secret
THRIFT STORES! I caught her out! I followed her down about twenty alleys and into some shop beneath a used video game store and there she was, digging through a bargain bin.
I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my skull. I was so startled I actually sucked in one of those classic soap opera "you're not my husband, you're his evil twin Hans!" gasps of shock.
Alice looked like she'd been caught in flagrante delicto, instead of bargain shopping like a sane person.
"Um, this…this isn't what it looks like!" she said earnestly, hurrying toward me with a huge, knit, cream sweater in her hands.
"Oh, really?" I said, crossing my arms and trying my best to look scandalized, even though I was finding the whole situation positively laughable.
"I'm just…I was just…" she petered out, looking sheepish.
"Spit it out, Alice," I demanded, then added, "If that is, in fact, your real name."
Alice rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. I was buying clothes. But I wasn't buying anything to wear in public. I come to places like this to get clothes I can wear at home and only at home. You know, when I'm in my room with Jasper and I don't want to wear my good clothes. You didn't think I wore Gucci twenty-four-seven did you?"
I chose not to mention that, actually, I had.
She held up the sweater. "I wear stuff like this. It's comfortable and practical and, okay, it smells a bit like old woman, but I usually wash everything about twelve times before I actually put it on."
I blinked down at her. "You shop at these stores…often?"
She nodded.
"And those big empty suitcases you brought with you to hold your shopping. Those are half filled with…things like this?" I prodded the sweater, which did, now that I noticed it, smell very heavily of old person.
"I wouldn't say half," Alice clarified. "Maybe just…a quarter."
"And you didn't want me to find out about this because…?"
Alice sighed mournfully. "I didn't want you to lose respect for me. But now that you know, I guess there's nothing I can do to salvage my reputation, is there?"
I had to bite my lip to stop from bursting into manic laughter. She was actually serious.
"Alice," I said slowly. "I think this is great."
She glanced up at me with such a comical look of relief on her face that I was afraid I might collapse in hysterics.
"You…you don't think I'm crazy?"
"Crazy?" I asked incredulous. "Alice, I can honestly say that I'm more sure of your sanity right now than I have been in months. Months and months. Pretty much ever since I met you." I gazed around the store for a moment, taking in the racks of weird clothes made out of weird fabrics and covered in weird designs, along with the very weird-looking cashier standing behind the counter, wearing too much purple eye make-up, reading a magazine that was six years old, and chain-smoking. "Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but…let's shop."
Alice's eyes widened for about a fifth of second before she grabbed my arm in a grip like a vice and practically shoved me headfirst into the bin of sweaters she'd been scrounging through. "This is so exciting!" she squealed, after ordering me to start digging. "It only took two years and a constant supply of fashion trivia, but I've finally, finally, managed to pass something on to you!" She sighed wistfully. "Today, a dingy thrift store in Sweden, tomorrow, Saks Fifth Avenue."
I can hardly contain myself.
On the plus side, I managed to find a nice cozy sweater (that, albeit, smelled as if the previous owner had worn it since they'd popped out of the womb, but Alice assures me the smell will come out) and I made sure to get lots and lots of flannels, just for the comic effect of seeing the face Alice made when I presented them to her.
Imagine it, though. Alice shopping at a thrift store. It's amazing.
The world suddenly looks different somehow…
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 23 – 11:55PM
Subject: Re: Alice's dingy little secret
That is fascinating and I'm very glad you found a new sweater because Annie's torn both arms off your favorite blue one and Paddy's eaten part of the collar.
Best of all, Emmett taught Annie how to say, "Bow to me, mortal" in twenty-six different languages.
I think he's grooming her to take over the world and enslave the human race.
The scariest part: She could very well succeed.
FINLAND
August 25
This postcard is as bland and boring as my stay here. What do the Finnish do all day? We passed one shop the entire time we were here and it was selling some sort of knit stockings in various unflattering fluorescent shades. I need to get out of here. On a more positive note, Bella and I did end up meeting a Norwegian supermodel and hardcore feminist (an oxymoron if I ever heard one, but to each her own) who was surprisingly knowledgeable. She knows about seven languages and quite a few dialects and she taught us how to say "I will smite your man-parts!" in Swahili. That ought to come in handy.
Alice
--
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 25 – 6:26PM
Subject: Um...ouch?
Remind me to stay firmly on your good side.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 9:23PM
Subject: SHE MUST DIE!
Location: Hell if I know.
We're lost. I blame Alice.
I'm pushing her off a glacier, and you can't stop me.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 9:27PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Lost? What do you mean lost? Did you take a wrong turn or is it more like you have no idea what country you're in?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 9:36PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Oh, I know what country we're in. Russia. Not very reassuring though, seeing as Russia is over six-million miles.
But that doesn't matter. Alice dragged me onto a train and was so preoccupied with a copy of British Vogue she'd found on an empty seat that she wasn't paying attention and we missed our stop.
By about twenty miles if Alice's estimation is correct. But of course, she wouldn't admit she'd gotten it wrong and insisted that the barren, desolate stop we got off at was, in fact, exactly where we should be. So we went off toward this teeny ghost town about two miles out and asked directions from a homeless guy with about four teeth sitting outside a dingy old bar slopping something from a bottle all over his front as he made wobbly attempts to pour it into his mouth. The guy shouted some very rude things at us in broken Russian and then promptly passed out.
So Alice dragged us further through the town and out onto an empty road lined by nothing but corn and the occasional rundown barn. It was all misty and gray and quiet. I felt like I was in a horror movie and the Children of the Corn were going to pop out any minute holding scythes and pitchforks.
It was hard to remember that I was invincible when my bite-sized sister-in-law and I were all alone on an abandoned road that was growing steadily darker and steadily more empty of both cars, people, and any others signs of life.
And, sometime around eight o' clock, when we'd come across absolutely nothing but endless corn and one broken-down truck that looked like it had been there awhile, and when it was good and pitch black, Alice finally turned to me and said, "Okay. Don't panic. But I think we're lost."
"Oh, really," I asked, pretending to be aghast at this clever discovery of hers. "When did you figure that out? Was it back at that patch of corn? Or maybe before that at that other patch of corn? Or do you have corn in your ears and couldn't hear me say for the past three hours, "Hey Alice, I THINK WE'RE LOST"?"
Alice blinked at me, slowly. "Okay, I'm sensing some minor hostility coming from your general direction."
"Are you?" I practically shrieked. "I wonder why that could be?"
"Look," she said, popping her tiny fists up onto her hips. "I swear it all looked really familiar when we got off the train! I know I recognized that big tree with the funny branches that kind of jutted up and I know I've seen that town before. And, you know it's not like I don't know where we are." She gazed around at the vast fields of dead corn and mumbled quietly, "I just don't know where everything else is."
Well, who can argue with that kind of logic?
So here we are, somewhere between Egypt and Syberia, with only Alice's Louis Vuitton carrier bag and my backpack, having sent everything else ahead to our hotel in Moscow.
So I'm pushing Alice off a glacier. It's decided and nothing will stop me.
Except…there don't seem to be very many glaciers around here.
So I guess I'll just have to beat her to death with an ear of corn.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 9:45PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Hello, Bella? This is Jasper. I know you're shunning me and Emmett right now, but just listen for a moment.
Was the truck you saw a really rusty shade of red? And in this town, was the bar called "Vlatnik" something or other?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 9:47PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Have you been here before?!
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 9:49PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Yes, and so has Alice. Look, you're in Minsk.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 9:52PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
I'm in…come again?
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 9:55PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Minsk, woman! M-I-N-S-K, MINSK.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 9:56PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Where the hell is Minsk?!
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 9:59PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Nowhere near Moscow.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 10:01PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Are…are we at least still in Russia?
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 9:10:03PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Not really. Try Belarus.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 10:06PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Ah. I see. Would you excuse me for a moment?
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 10:09PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Bella? What are you doing?
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 10:13PM
Subject: Re: SHE MUST DIE!
Finding a good-sized ear of corn with which to bludgeon your wife to death. Don't worry, this won't take long.
To: ecullen
From: bellaswan
Date: August 26 – 1:24AM
Subject: Minsk? Seriously?
So, apparently, we're in Minsk.
Which just so happens to be the capital of a whole 'nuther country.
The minute Alice heard me say the word "Minsk" her entire face lit up in recognition.
"Now I remember!" she cried, as if she'd just discovered gravity. "It must have been at least twenty years ago, but Jasper and I were here on a sort of second honeymoon and we decided to be spontaneous and do Europe without a map. God, that was fun. We went everywhere and saw everything, but half the time we'd wind up going in circles. And we came to Russia too! We ended up stumbling across this tiny little town on the outskirts of Belarus's capital city and getting completely turned around in this field of corn…" She trailed off at my expression. Clearing her throat she said mildly, "Wow. Quite the coincidence, huh? Ironic, some might say."
"Oh, yes," I said, sarcastically. "And given my life-long hunt for irony, you can imagine my elation."
"Right," she said slowly. "Well. On the bright side, now that I know where we are, I think I can figure out how to get to the city and maybe catch a train." She seemed to gain confidence with each word. "We'll be in Moscow in no time, you'll see. Now grab your backpack, put down that corn—no, seriously, Bella, don't you come any closer with that thing—and we'll get out of here. I am not joking, PUT THE CORN DOWN."
Finally, after much careful negotiation and a lot of violent death threats that, sadly, never came into play, we headed off toward the main part of the city where there is, hopefully, no corn.
We've managed to find civilization and what turns out to be a very ritzy hotel smack in the center of the city. Therefore, Alice is currently still alive and well.
For now.
To: bellaswan
From: ecullen
Date: August 26 – 1:31AM
Subject: Re: Minsk? Seriously?
I'll tell Jasper. I'm sure he'll be ecstatic.
ZDRAVSTVUJTYE! HELLO!
August 28
Ah, Moscow. I forgot how absolutely beautiful this city is. All of the lights and the people and the houses and, just…ah. Even Bella's in awe. She's been going on long walks through the city every day. She says it's unbelievable and I completely agree because I can't believe the shopping! I've seen every store you could imagine and some I've never even heard of with all sorts of strange new styles that I think Bella will absolutely adore because, as fashionable as they are, most of them will go with those hideous tattered sneakers she always wears and still look incredible. That's how amazing they are. She even voluntarily put on a sweater I bought her yesterday and got hit on at least twice as much—and I won't come right out and say it was my outfit that caused it, but…well, it was my outfit that caused it. These Russian men sure are hot-blooded. You really have to witness Bella trying to decline some guy's phone number one day; it's utterly comical. This is the girl who emptied her pockets for a grimy old guy playing guitar with a kitten in his guitar case. He only knew about six cords and he tried to grab her ass as she walked by, but she still gave him all 107 dollars and the handful of nickels she had in her pocket. Can you imagine what she looks like trying to tell some poor, lovestruck youth that she can't accept his protestations of love because she's already taken? One boy threw his arms around her legs and started planting slobbering kisses all over her stomach, promising her "many, many babies" and another burst into tears. She spent a half an hour assuring him that it wasn't because he was hideous and finally agreed to get some ice cream with him to calm him down. Come to think of it…it's lucky she still goes outside at all.
Anyway, I have to go. Places to go, designer handbags to see—you know the drill.
Alice
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:01PM
Subject: Thank you, but no
I'll pass on the "watching the love of my life get propositioned by burly Russian men" thing, if it's all the same to you. But thank you very much for the offer and the first hand accounts.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am to hear that various homeless old men are feeling up my wife.
You sure know how to brighten someone's day.
Edward
P.S. I didn't know you were allowed to mail two postcards taped together like that. I, personally, would suggest NOT writing me a novel every time you feel the need to correspond, but…
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
I'm sensing some sarcasm.
Laced with copious amounts of hostility.
I'll be keeping my correspondences on that matter to myself from now on.
Alice
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:14PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
That would be greatly appreciated.
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Hey, while I have you here, do you think you could tell me why exactly you've been lying to Bella? I understand your stupid habit of thinking she's made out of spun sugar, but don't you think she can handle the truth this time?
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:14PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
No, and you can't tell her. I'm warning you, Alice, keep it to yourself. I don't like lying to her any more than you do, but it's necessary this time. Let her finish having fun in Europe before she has to come home and deal with things.
Promise me.
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Fine. I will continue to help you mislead your wife even though I know she'll be mad at you for it later and you'll end up feeling terrible for deceiving her and this entire mess could be avoided if you just told her now. I'll just keep it all in.
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:14PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Thank you. I appreciate it.
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Suggestion has no effect on you, does it? Ah, well. Do what you feel is best. I'll try to make Bella's last vacation days as fun as possible to lessen the sting of your betrayal.
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:14PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
You've been watching soap operas again, haven't you?
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
The fact that I have has absolutely nothing to do with my protesting your dishonesty. (Though may I just point out that if you subtract the supernatural vampires and add a homicidal mistress, some designer jeans, and a cop in a coma, your situation would be exactly like the one Skye is in, on Story Of Her Life? But it's just an observation.)
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:14PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Yes, the resemblance truly is uncanny. But for now let's assume that I'm not a character on a trashy daytime soap and do things my way.
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Fine. All I'll say is that, had Renaldo just been honest with Skye, neither of them would have ended up in that underground cavern, fighting for their lives.
To: athimbefulofsunshine
From: ecullen
Date: August 28 – 4:14PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Alice!
To: ecullen
From: athimbefulofsunshine
Date: August 28 – 4:07PM
Subject: Re: Thank you, but no
Alright, alright, I'm shutting off the TV.
Spoilsport…
To: bellaismagnificent
From: ecullen
Date: August 31 – 6:03PM
Subject: Worried
It feels very strange sending you an e-mail that isn't in reply to a message of your own. You usually send them too rapidly for me to feel the need to begin our conversations. Which brings me to my point:
Are you alright? You haven't written me since you got on the train back to London. I'm starting to worry and Emmett and Jasper are starting to eye me as if they're going to tackle me and tie me up again.
There seems to be some sort of hitch in their brains that makes them think that will help.
It doesn't.
If you're simply busy enjoying yourself, don't mind me. I don't want to interrupt if you and Alice are doing some sisterly bonding. In fact, if that is what you're doing, I would prefer it if you didn't send me a message. I really don't need another list of Alice's shopping finds (underwear included; oh, the horror).
I merely wish to make sure that you're safe.
Love always,
Edward
To: bellaismagnificent
From: ecullen
Date: August 31 – 7:15PM
Subject: Still worried
Has Alice confiscated your laptop again? (My laptop, actually, but I'm not complaining.) If so, Alice, at least send me a message to calm my fears. I can't concentrate on anything and Carlisle's assigned me four-hundred pages to translate. I've already confused the words "phases" and "phallus" twice because of this.
Carlisle was not amused.
Emmett, however, was.
Send me an e-mail, a carrier pigeon, a smoke signal, anything.
Edward
To: bellaismagnificent
From: ecullen
Date: August 31 – 9:33PM
Subject: EXCEEDINGLY NERVOUS
This is punishment for last week isn't it? I've explained to you that it wasn't my idea, Bella.
Wait...Alice hasn't told you...?
Look, whatever she told you, you have to know that I only had your happiness in mind. I didn't want to spoil your trip with bad news. I'm sorry if you're angry, but could you please at least shout at me or mail me a very graphically violent letter and stop the silent treatment. You're giving me gray hairs.
I'm not kidding.
To: bellaismagnificent
From: ecullen
Date: August 31 – 10:46PM
Subject: None
Oh, God, Alice hasn't killed you has she?
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: mylittlelovepotato
Date: August 31 – 11:10PM
Subject: Thought you might want to know
Hey. Edward's looking kind of…twitchy. And the amount of anxiety I'm picking up from him is making me antsy.
I have a feeling that you have something to do with Bella's silence.
Have you forced her into that pink sweater set? Because I distinctly recall telling you that she would probably resort to self-mutilation and/or suicide if you did.
Oh, jeez, she's killed herself, hasn't she?
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: theoriginalhulk
Date: August 31 – 12:14AM
Subject: The line between funny and Edward putting his foot through my Xbox
Look, Alice, honey, I believe wholeheartedly in carpe-ing the cruel comedy diem, but there's a line and I'm pretty sure Edward's crossed it.
More than crossed it.
If I were to paint you a picture of the situation it would be on a world map and Edward would be in Juneau and the line would be...well, probably somewhere in Albania. Or maybe on Mars.
So throw him a bone or something before he straps on his swimming trunks and starts paddling straight for your continent.
Emmett
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: arosebyanyothername
Date: September 1 – 7:07AM
Subject: R and R
Alright, I've been doing my best to sit back and enjoy the silence with you two gone and Emmett and your idiot husband off in Brazil or wherever the hell they've gone.
But now I'm getting frantic phone calls in the middle of the night from Emmett who keeps shouting things like "Rose, he's lost it, he's absolutely lost it" and "Edward, you can't swim to Europe!"
Now I don't know what exactly you're doing over there in New Zealand or Thailand (where are you supposed to be again?), but if Edward/Emmett/Jasper calls my phone one more time and interrupts my well-earned peace and quiet with anything other than news of the latest European car models, I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH THEM.
Love,
Rosalie
P.S. Is Bella really dead? Because that's what I'm getting from all these frenzied conversations.
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: ilovebegonias
Date: September 1– 3:26PM
Subject: ALICE?!
Alice? ALICE?! Are you alright? What's this I hear about Bella being dead? IS EVERYTHING OKAY??
Esme
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: ccullen
Date: September1 – 8:43PM
Subject: Pandemonium
Alice, dear, I hate to insinuate that you are less than a responsible adult, but your husband is having a meltdown, your sister keeps shouting at me and generally anyone who makes the mistake of calling her phone, your brother is trying to swim the Atlantic Ocean, and your mother is so nervous and distracted she tried to plant one of my reference books and potted a geranium in my favorite pair of shoes.
For the sake of my sanity (and my shoes) would you please tell someone what's become of Bella?
Sincerely,
Carlisle
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: ccullen
Date: September 1– 8:56PM
Subject: agjdryhshdddddd
I em Andndie va DESJOYER!
To: athimblefulofsunshine
From: ccullen
Date: September 1– 9:08PM
Subject: Sorry
Terribly sorry. Annie seems to have been playing with my computer while I was out emptying my shoes.
I'm not sure how she learned to type or e-mail (or who tried to teach her how to spell DESTROYER) but I'm going to venture a guess and pay Emmett a little visit.
But honestly, any contact at all would be welcome.
Sincerely,
Carlisle
To: bellaismagnificent
From:ecullen
Date: September 2 – 12:03AM
Subject: Bella?
Bella. I am trying very hard to maintain my composure and not come after you, but it's been two days since you've spoken to me and everyone seems to think you're dead and if you don't contact me soon, I really can't promise that you won't wind up on a plane back to Juneau beside a very angry, very wet ex-husband.
Love,
Edward
P.S. Paddy has also done something very unpleasant in Rosalie's Jimmy Woos (or Joos or whatever they're called; anyway, her shoes). I've tried to convince her that it was out of grief for your unexplained disappearance, but she didn't exactly buy it and she really does seem intent upon killing him this time. So if you won't do it for me, reply for the duck's sake.
Author's Note:
I know I don't ever do this, but just a quick note to xxemmygrrlxx: I have no idea where one would find a shrunken head. For all I know, you really could pick one up in Northern Africa.