Chapter 25 – Memories
By the time Boyd got back from the Dollhouse it was already midnight and Claire, after only a few hours of reading her eyes had been sore and a few hours after that she'd given up on waiting for him and had made dinner. It was nothing special, just some pasta with a sauce her mother had taught her how to make. Claire had never really liked cooking, when she was still living at home with her parents she'd always preferred to read or even study rather than help cook; but in this case cooking had kept Claire's mind off the weird headache-vision she'd experienced earlier, so she was grateful that she'd at least learnt how to cook pasta. She'd decided not to tell Boyd about her vision or what ever it was. He'd only worry and there wasn't anything he could do about it anyway, unless he had a MRI hidden someone in his humongous apartment. Next door to the library maybe?
As she sat down at the dinner table with Boyd, Claire tried act as though everything was normal, or as normal as it could possibly be considering the unbelievable lives they both led.
"So what happened when you went back in?" Claire asked, when they'd both sat down, too impatient even though she knew she should at least let Boyd settle in first.
"Well, DeWitt was absolutely unflustered by the whole situation, as usual and Topher was in a hysterical panic, also as usual," Boyd replied, jokingly. Then he looked up from his pasta and saw that, rather than laughing, Claire's face had fallen. She quickly tried to muster up a smile but she couldn't, images of a hysterical Topher clouding her thoughts. "Sorry," Boyd continued. "I managed to replace the sections of security tapes that showed us leaving together before they had a chance to check them, so they won't be able to track you down. DeWitt didn't seem overly worried about you, it was almost like she had been expecting you to leave. I swear that woman sees and knows everything that goes on in that house," Boyd mused. "But Topher was a mess. He was taking it really hard for some reason." Claire looked away, unwilling to meet Boyd's eyes; he'd always been able to read her and she was afraid that if she met his gaze he would see the truth there and she wasn't ready for the truth to be out yet. There was something about the night she and Topher had spent together that was so private the she just had to keep it a secret. Not because she'd enjoyed it. Of course not. It had been… A moment of weakness and that was all.
"Maybe he was just upset that one of his precious creations actually managed escape that hell hole," Claire finally replied bitterly. Boyd seemed to sense that it was a sensitive topic for her so he let it drop, resulting in an awkward silence as each of them tried to think of something to say.
Suddenly Claire felt a strange pressure building in her head and she reached out to hold onto the table to steady herself as her vision flared white. She tried to suppress it, trying to force her eyes to stay open; but despite her efforts she still caught glimpses of a scene.
Alpha was holding onto Claire's shoulders as she ran the knife over the man's neck, goose bumps erupting on his skin as the knife trailed downwards. Then there was a deafening crash and a fireball erupted, as the door to the room they were in was blown open. Claire backed away from the man as Alpha ran towards the door and the people coming in. He growled violently as he charged, only to be caught in the tight grasp of two men carrying guns. They pushed up against the wall and immobilized him as more people came rushing in. Claire stepped forward out of the shadows, holding the knife before he and a middle aged woman with short black hair stepped out from among the ranks of gun wielding men to walk towards Claire.
"Whiskey, would you like a treatment?" she asked, holding out her hand to stop Claire from getting any closer with her knife.
Claire felt her hand lower, the hand holding the knife dropping to her side as she considered the woman before her.
"Yes please," she heard herself reply. Across the room Alpha was still trying to escape the men restraining him. Then a man Claire didn't know rushed over and grabbed onto him.
"Alpha," he shouted, "treatment." Alpha sank down against the wall.
"Yeah, let's do that instead," he replied. The woman in front of Claire spoke again, trying to turn her away from Alpha.
"Let's go to the van, okay?" she instructed.
"Thanks for the ride," Claire heard herself drawl as she was led from the room, leaving the sobbing, bloody man behind her.
The woman led Claire out of the dark room and into the light outside. Claire blinked a few times, trying to adjust her eyes to the light; but it only grew brighter until it was blinding her. She tried to close her eyes but she couldn't and before she could scream out for help everything faded to black.
Claire opened her eyes and held on to the table as she gasped and tried to quell the overwhelming dizziness.
"Claire? Claire, are you okay?" she heard Boyd's anxious voice asking, sounding muffled at first but getting steadily louder as the strange buzzing in her ears faded away.
"It's nothing. I'm alright," she murmured, blinking to clear her vision of dark spots that gathered in the corner of her vision, gradually beginning to feel better.
"What was that? Tell me what happened," Boyd demanded, rushing over to her as if he was worried she might collapse at any moment.
"I'm not sure really, but the same thing happened earlier. There was this really bright light and then I saw… I saw myself. I saw myself doing horrible things. It was like I was me but I was someone else. Sorry, I'm not explaining this very well, it's hard to understand," Claire replied. Boyd's look of confusion faded be he still continued to gaze at her worriedly.
"I've know what it was," he said solemnly. "Sometimes when something conflicts with an imprint, like a new memory that goes against the programmed ones or someone makes an active question their past, their mind can't sustain the imprint and they have flashbacks to past memories." Claire looked at him warily and he took her silence as encouragement to continue. "It's happened before to some of the actives; and, to be truthful, I'm surprised it hasn't happened to you already. Finding out that you were a doll does more than just go against your imprint, I'm surprised it's held up this long. Not to mention the fact that long term and permanent imprints are more susceptible to glitches to begin with."
Claire didn't find it hard to believe what Boyd was telling her. She'd seen things go wrong with imprints, like the many times when Echo had behaved erratically while on engagements. If the slightest suggestion of something that conflicted the imprint could cause an active to have flashbacks then it had only been a matter of time before her new knowledge about her life undermined her programming.
"How do we fix it?" she asked.
"Well, the only way I've seen it fixed is when the active gets wiped," Boyd replied. Claire gave him a look of utter horror.
"I am not going in that chair. There is nothing that could ever make me. I don't care if I have to live with flashbacks my whole life I am never trusting that chair or Topher Brink again," she insisted.
"I don't know how we can fix it then," Boyd responded. "How about if I took you in. I know how to work the chair, it was one of the first things I had to learn when I became head of security. I could do the wipe and then re-imprint you as Claire."
"Maybe," Claire conceded. "But then I would forget."
"Forget what?" Boyd asked.
"I'd forget everything that's happened," Claire whispered. "I wouldn't know I was a doll and I wouldn't remember everything that's happened in the past few days. I can't do that. I can't go back to not knowing."
"You wouldn't have to," Boyd reassured. "After Alpha attacked you again Topher made Adelle let him scan you and update your imprint. He wanted you to be able to remember." Claire stared at Boyd in disbelief. First she felt utter outrage at the fact that Topher had scanned her brain without her knowledge. Then, when she thought about it further, she found herself unable to understand why Topher would have done scanned her anyway. Surely it would have been easier for him if she had just forgotten everything that had happened and gone back to being Claire the house doctor, oblivious of her past.
As much as Claire distrusted the chair and all of the technology at the Dollhouse she knew that she couldn't live with the blinding pain of the flashbacks for the rest of her life. Anyway, she'd left the Dollhouse to start a new life and forget all about the Dollhouse and she could hardly do that when she was having flashbacks to past imprints every few hours.
"I'll go, so long as you loop the video tapes so they don't see us," Claire finally conceded. Boyd gave her a smile and stood up, grasping her hand to help her up.
"We should go in now, before the actives start coming in from their engagements in the morning, otherwise there's no way we'll be able to use the chair without anyone noticing," Boyd instructed as he grabbed his coat from where it had been hanging over the side of the couch. Claire hesitated for a moment. While she'd decided to go back in she wasn't ready to go right that minute. She wanted a few hours or maybe a few days to psych herself into going back to the Dollhouse; but when Boyd called back to her from outside she steeled herself and decided that it was now or never. Then she followed Boyd out the door, the sound of the door clicking shut echoing ominously through the empty corridor as Claire wondered if she was doing the right thing.
They drove to the Dollhouse silence as Claire internally debated her decision to go back in the chair. What if it went wrong and she was stuck as a blank slate forever? Did she really want to risk it? She wasn't worried about whether Boyd was capable of performing the wipe, it was the technology she was afraid of. If Boyd said he'd learnt how to use the chair then she didn't doubt him, and he was probably the only person she trusted inside the Dollhouse. Everyone else had too many ulterior motives and conflictions to be trusted with what was effectively her life.
The street lights shone bright in the dark though the grey-blue tinge peeking over the horizon told Claire that it would soon be dawn. She gazed out the window at the houses and parked cars blurring past and wondered if this would be the last time she ever saw them. During her time living at the Dollhouse she'd hardly ever gone outside, due to her fear of open spaces and crowds, but sitting in the car looking out on the world made Claire feel quite comfortable, if a little wistful. She would give anything to be fast asleep in one of those houses, maybe with a husband and kids; safe in the knowledge that the next day she would get up, kiss her husband goodbye, drop the kids at school and go to work and everything would be normal. Claire life, though exciting and interesting at times, was definitely not normal.
When they reached the Dollhouse Boyd led Claire in through a back door she'd never used before which brought them into onto the landing leading to Topher's office. Boyd whispered to Claire to stay put while he checked to see if anyone was in the imprinting room and Claire stood in the hidden nook and looked out over the artificially darkened Dollhouse while she waited for Boyd to return. She could just see her office, empty with all its lights turned off. So they hadn't replaced her yet. She felt a strange wave of satisfaction, although she knew that she would be replaced eventually; it was only a matter of time. There were no actives on the main floor which was hardly surprising considering it was still in the very early hours of the morning. All the actives in the house were safe in their pods and those on engagements would likely not return until a more convenient hour of the morning. Claire just had to hope that no one would see her, because she wasn't planning on staying.
A hand touched Claire's shoulder and she jumped in shock, muscles tensing as her instinctual flight or fight response kicked in; but when she turned around it was only Boyd who gestured to her to move into Topher's office. This was the dangerous part. With Topher sleeping so close by, only a few meters away in the server room, any noise could wake him up; and Claire didn't know if she'd be able to leave him a second time. She would only be able to do this if it was a quick in and out job. No heartfelt discussions. No tears and definitely no kisses.
Despite the fact that the lights were off and Topher wasn't in his office there was still a mélange of flashing lights and soft beeping noises as the machines whirred quietly to themselves. As Boyd eased open the door to the imprint room Claire's eyes alighted on Topher's computer. For a moment, just a moment, she considered looking up her original personality. But what would she do then? Re-imprint herself? Smash her original wedge? She reached out, her fingertips brushing the mouse, moving it just enough to cause the screen to light up. The computer had only been asleep and, to Claire's equal relief and dismay, it reverted to the log in screen which required a password. Claire wondered whether, if she'd known the password, she would have kept going and looked herself up; but there was no time for pondering what might have been as Boyd grasped her hand and pulled her into the imprint room.
"We don't have much time," he hissed. "We have to do it now." Suddenly Claire didn't know if she could do it. The chair looked so harmless, just chunks of metal bolted together with a few blue lights built in; but somehow it caused paralyzing fear to well up inside her.
"I can't," she whispered, backing away until she was pressed against the wall, as far away from the chair as she could get.
"You have to," Boyd insisted, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back towards the chair. Claire knew the only reason he was being forceful was because he was worried that if they took too long, they would be caught; but his strong hand wrapped around her wrist scared her slightly. Then Boyd took a deep calming breath and gave her a slight smile.
"Everything's going to be alright. Just sit in the chair and this will all be over before you know it," he reassured. Claire grasped the chair's arm rests, her fingers turning white with the strength of her grip as the lowered herself into the chair. She sat still for a moment, preparing herself before she leant her head back against the headrest.
"Ready?" Boyd asked, turning towards the controls. Claire's voice caught in her throat as she tried to reply so she settled for a nod instead. Boyd pushed a myriad of buttons with a sense of confidence and purpose that reassured Claire that he knew what he was doing. Then the chair began to hum beneath her as it slowly lowered her into a horizontal position. Claire had a brief moment of panic where, for a second, she was fully prepared to leap out of the chair and flee, but she quelled her fear and grasped the armrests even tighter.
The blue lighted turned on and Claire gasped as she felt the strange sensation of being pulled away from herself. She imagined that this was what an out of body experience would feel like as she drifted out of her body and faded away into nothingness. She couldn't see or feel and the constant hum of the chair was replaced by nothingness as Boyd began to work.