Chapter 25

Kid smiled from ear to ear as his eyes swept across the wide field in front of him. A rider galloped along it, flying like the wind and Kid followed the brisk figure with his intense gaze. It was a beautiful sight. "Pa, I'd love so much to ride like Ma!" Joseph exclaimed by his side.

"She's one of the best riders I've ever known and I'm sure one day she'll teach you," Kid replied without averting his eyes from her tiny figure, clad in male clothes, and riding one of his best horses. After their last conversation, Kid had felt that surely Lou's strange behavior was a cry for help, and her attitude reminded him of the time after he had been released from the war prison. He remembered feeling trapped in his own soul. For some reason he didn't understand at the time, he was totally miserable, buried in sadness, the reason for which he didn't know. He had fought against it but he had felt unable to control his own feelings, especially when the nightmares kept disturbing his rest. Then he had discovered that the times he didn't feel so rotten took place when he was riding. In those moments he didn't need to think about anything; his mind went blank and he only had to experience the thousands of sensations in his body: the fresh air in his lungs, the wind on his skin, the smells invading his nose, the pain from the physical effort. Riding had been the first step to leave the memories behind and he finally managed to escape from his personal imprisonment.

Lou had always loved riding and thinking of his own personal experience, Kid reckoned she might learn something. Her life was clearly too limited and she hardly did much other than working for him and looking after the children. She didn't even leave the property often, only when she had to do some errand for Kid, but otherwise, she simply stayed at home. It was natural that she felt suffocated and crowded.

Kid really wanted to help her because despite all the problems between them, he was very fond of her. He might not understand her most of the time, but he wanted to believe that behind her strange behavior, behind that anger, behind that coldness there was a reason, and he wished she could open up to him. What he missed about her most was her smile. Kid used to love her beautiful smile that lit up her face so lovingly. Yet, that had disappeared. Of course, she still smiled, especially when she was with her children, but Kid had noticed how her eyes looked almost teary and dead in clear contrast with her smiling mouth. It was after that last conversation that Kid had realized some things that he had been blind to. He was starting to look deeper… beyond her mask, beyond her reputation, beyond her fake smile. Things were more complex and he really wanted to find out who Louise McCloud was.

When Kid had suggested she could go riding, Lou had been reluctant, even refusing at first, but she had finally accepted. He was glad she had, because riding might not help her at all, but from his position he could see clearly she was enjoying the ride, and for that reason alone all this was worth it.

After twenty minutes Lou trotted towards them. She stopped the horse and as she dismounted, she almost fell in Kid's arms when her legs didn't respond from the lack of practice. She laughed as Kid had to help her to walk and she finally dropped on the blanket they had spread on which Alice's basket lay. "Are you all right, Ma?" Joseph asked with a worried voice.

"Just fine, honey. It's been so long since the last time I rode, honey, that your mother can hardly walk," Lou explained, as she flexed her legs and hugged them against her chest.

"How long, Lou?" Kid asked as he tethered the horse to a tree.

"Years… I'm not sure how many."

"So tell me, has my girl behaved?" Kid continued as he patted the mare's dark neck affectionately.

"Oh yes… Duna's a wonderful horse," Lou remarked with a wide smile.

"Wonderful and all yours," Kid said as he sat next to her on the blanket.

"What are you talking about?"

"From this day Duna belongs to you."

"Oh no, Kid!" Louise exclaimed. "I can't accept. You've done too much for me already!"

"Nonsense!" Kid replied. "Duna likes you and she needs a good rider and there's nobody better. Joseph, what do you say? Don't you agree Ma should keep Duna?" The boy nodded with a big smile and Kid continued, "You see, Lou? And if Alice weren't sleeping, she would agree with us too."

Louise grinned, feeling a mixture of embarrassment and pleasure. "I… thanks, Kid, but I'll pay for her, and I…"

"Will you stop it? It's a present and I'll feel offended if you don't accept it."

"I don't deserve your present," Lou muttered. "But I won't offend you."

"Then there's nothing else to talk about," Kid concluded.

"Ma, can I go play with my kite?" Joseph asked as he picked up the colorful kite he and Kid had worked on together for the last couple of days.

"Yes, you can, but stay where we can see you, all right, young man?"

The boy instantly ran away, holding the kite over his head, trying to make it fly. Kid and Lou shared a smile, and once alone with Kid, Lou started to feel awkward, especially under his intense stare, so she shifted her eyes. "You were right. Riding feels wonderful," Lou said. On the horse, she had felt as if she was eighteen again and working for the Express. The magic feelings from back then had flourished but as soon as she had dismounted, she was back to her world… back to Louise McCloud, ex-convict and murderer, and the awakening was worse than the dream that had lasted for those barely twenty minutes.

"You can now do it more often with Duna," Kid suggested.

"I don't know," Louise admitted, not sure if she wanted to fool herself for just a few minutes. The world wouldn't change and she wouldn't either, and riding held too many happy memories that hurt too much in the long run. "I have a baby to look after and I can't just leave her at home alone while I ride."

"I can always stay with her if you want, Lou," Kid offered.

Louise looked down at the sleeping baby and smiled sheepishly. "Thanks." She knew she didn't deserve his kindness, but she felt unable to talk and express her real fears. Sometimes she was totally overwhelmed by the opposing feelings coursing throughout all her body that she wanted to cry, go hiding to a dark corner and burst out in tears. Yet, this was not the place and taking a grip of herself, she tried to change the direction of their conversation. "Kid, what happened to Katy? You know, I still find it quite strange to see you riding another horse."

"Well, Katy is in Rock Creek." Lou sent him a questioning frown and he elaborated, "When the war ended, I went back there to retrieve her. I had decided to settle down here in Richmond and I wanted my special mare nearby. Did you know Buck, Teaspoon and Rachel turned the old way station into a good business?" Lou shook her head and he carried on, "They extended the bunkhouse, added a couple of stories and divided the place into rooms… it's a good guest house in Rock Creek and they also sell, buy and rent horses… you know the stables there are huge. Anyway, when I was in Rock Creek, I decided to leave Katy there. Call me a fool but I felt I would be tearing Katy from her home."

"Oh… that's great… I mean I'm glad Buck, Teaspoon and Rachel are doing so good," Lou replied awkwardly. Talking about anything from those years made her feel uncomfortable and guilty because of the way she had parted from those who she had considered her family back then.

"Lou, I've been thinking I'd like them to know I have a son," Kid said, studying her reaction. "If you let me, I can take Joseph to Rock Creek this summer. I'm sure he'll love to be there."

"Sure… yeah, I'm fine with that."

"And," he continued in a slow voice, "I'm sure they'd love to see you too and know you are fine, especially Rachel and Teaspoon. They have been worried about you for years, not knowing what happened to you."

Louise fidgeted nervously, wringing her hands together and not daring to meet his eyes. "I… I don't think that's possible," Lou muttered.

"Why not, Lou? Don't you want to see them? It's Teaspoon and Rachel!"

"Because I don't want them to find out the kind of person I've become like I didn't want you to know!" Lou exclaimed in a loud tone, her eyes looking into his this time. "I couldn't `prevent that in your case, but I can't face anybody else. I just can't."

"Lou, nobody's gonna judge you," Kid insisted. "You know we all love you and…"

"Please, Kid, let it go. Don't ask me that, please," Lou cut him off, feeling her stomach squeeze painfully as she heard him utter her forbidden word. Didn't he understand? Lou wanted to scream and shout in frustration, but instead of her own voice, it was Alice complaining, her weak protest resounding in the place. Lou was glad of her opportune interruption and picked up her daughter from the basket. "Hey, Apple Pie, awake already? Are you complaining that Mama isn't paying you any attention?" Lou said as she caressed the baby's soft face.

Alice let out a gurgling sound as if answering Lou's question, which made her smile. Kid and Lou shared a look over the baby's tiny body and he said, "She's so cute, Lou. And she looks more and more like you with each passing day."

'Thank God she does,' Louise thought but she refrained from voicing her feelings and kept cooing the baby in her arms.

"Lou…" Kid called after a few minutes and when she looked up, he added, "I… I wanted to talk to you about something we haven't had the chance to."

"Yes?"

"It's about Joseph and Alice," he started, which drew Louise's whole attention. "I know you were right the other day… I don't want to confuse Joseph, but I'm not sure what you want me to say when he calls me Alice's daddy."

Lou turned her eyes to their son, who kept playing with his kite contentedly. She sighed and shifting her gaze back to Kid, she added, "I know it's my responsibility to talk to him and I'm really sorry I took it out on you that day. I haven't told Joseph anything yet and to tell you the truth, I don't know how to do it. He's a clever boy and if I tell him you're not his sister's father, he'll want to know why and who his sister's daddy is. I'm not ready to answer those questions. And I'm scared that he discovers that what people say about his ma is true."

"Lou, I know it's hard," Kid replied, unsure of what to say to her because he was as clueless as she was. "I really can't tell you what you can do. All I know is that I love little Alice and she's been part of my life since she was born. I know I'm not her father… unfortunately. I'm not saying you should let me be her daddy when I'm not, but Lou, allow me to love her because I already do."

Louise smiled sadly. "The children are very lucky to have you," she uttered, meaning each word, and hurting as she realized that compared to Kid she had too many deficiencies as a mother and as a person.

"And I'm lucky to be part of their lives," Kid added with a smile.

It was getting late and they decided to return home. They called Joseph and the boy ran to the wagon while Kid and Lou followed at a slower pace. Louise carried Alice whereas Kid pulled the mare towards where they had left the carriage. He was smiling happily after spending a delightful afternoon with Lou and the children. Today had been the proof that he and Lou could really become friends again. They had been able to talk without getting at each other's necks as they had been doing lately. If Lou could always be like this, everything could be so easy because she was a charming woman when she wanted. They needed to behave towards each other in civil terms. Joseph couldn't have parents who were always fighting.

Kid knew he had to assume his responsibility in the situation and do his best to get on with Lou. Maybe he needed to talk to her more often and discuss everything with her. In fact, he would like to enjoy more afternoons like this one, but it wouldn't be possible. It wasn't proper for him to spend time with Louise when he was courting Helen Patrick. All he and Lou had in common was Joseph and their friendship had to be limited to their son's matters. The last thing Kid wanted to do was to endanger what he had with Helen. He was satisfied with their relationship, and when they were together, he was quite happy. Even though there was nothing wrong between him and Lou, he was sure Helen wouldn't see it that way. Helen was already putting up with so much. Most women would have refused him because of his special circumstances. The trust Helen had him showed how much she cared for him and Kid intended to prove to her that he was trustworthy. So his friendship with Lou should be kept in a discreet position, which didn't lead to innuendos or misunderstandings.

"Kid?" Lou called, stopping his train of thought and when he turned his whole attention to her, she cleared her throat uncomfortably. "I… I've meant to tell you something, but I haven't dared yet."

"I'm listening," Kid said, and they stopped, turning to each other. "You know you can tell me anything."

Lou threw a look to the wagon, and noticed that Joseph was safe on the back of the carriage, apparently playing some personal game of his with his hands. Her eyes shifted back to Kid and she started awkwardly. "It's … it's about what happened with Daniel."

On hearing his former employee's name, Kid stiffened. "What about him? Has he been bothering you?"

"Oh no! I haven't even seen him!" Louise hurried to explain. She paused and taking a deep breath, she whispered, "I want you to know that whatever you hear around… I'm not interested in men… married or unmarried… not even for a single dance. I swear to God it's true. Joseph and Alice are my whole life… my only life, Kid. I know I've given you more than enough reasons not to believe a word I say, but I assure you I'm telling the truth now. I'm done with lies."

"Lou, I do believe you," Kid said, putting emphasis in each word. "And I'm seeing the old Lou back… finally, and I'm so glad."

Louise winced at his words. She didn't want to talk about the person she was. "And I'm sorry about what I said about you and your friend Helen," Lou added. Now that she had started with the apologies, she'd better cover all of them and repair the damage she had caused with her irrational behavior. "I have no right to judge what you do, Kid. It's your life and you're a free man," she paused momentarily, feeling her cheeks color. "You and she are getting serious, aren't you?"

"Uh… I guess," Kid replied awkwardly. It was so strange to talk to Lou about another woman. "It's still too soon… we're actually getting to know each other."

"I think she's a nice woman. You're a good and decent man, Kid, and deserve the love of somebody exceptional," Lou remarked, smiling as naturally as she could.

"Thanks," he replied and before resuming walking, he decided to ask her what he had been putting off for almost a week. "And Lou,… uh… next Saturday is the spring dance in town. Would you mind terribly to look after Matt and Violet that night? I'm sure they won't be a problem, but if you don't want to do it, I understand."

"No… I can do it… no problem."

"I'll pay you extra of course," Kid added.

"You won't. I'm fine with keeping an eye on the children that Saturday," Lou replied.

"You sure?" Kid insisted. His request made him feel very uncomfortable. Lou had every right to refuse to look after two almost strange children while he and Helen were having fun. In fact, Kid had been all against it when Christine had come up with the idea. Yet, he had been forced to consider her suggestion when she had kept asking why Lou couldn't look after the kids when she was his housekeeper. He had tried to find an explanation, but when he had hesitated and faltered, getting strange looks from a quiet Helen, he hadn't been able to turn down Christine's suggestion.

"Of course I'm sure," Lou exclaimed, laughing amused.

"Pa! Ma! Come on! I'm bored!" Joseph complained from the wagon.

"We're coming!" Kid replied and giving a smile to Lou, he added, "Thank you, Lou."

Louise smiled back and when he turned his back and started to walk towards Joseph, her smile froze and a bitter expression settled in her face instead. That was her life, always hiding the ugly face of her soul…she had learned the hard way that she had to stay under the water and never come up to the surface again. She had to play her part for Joseph, only for him and maybe for herself as well. One day Mrs. Helen Patrick might become Mrs. Helen Carmichael… that woman would become part of her son's family and Lou needed to smooth the road for him. Even though Lou told herself she didn't care Kid was in love with somebody else, she knew that if she didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much. She was so selfish. Why couldn't she feel happy for Kid? Why couldn't she be true and sincere in her wishes? She really wanted to share his joy for having found love in a good woman like Helen Patrick. What was wrong with her? Kid wasn't hers and she could never be Kid's again. Why couldn't she harbor nice feelings like everybody else? Why was she so crooked and self-centered? She was a bad curse… a curse that she had started when she had abandoned him years ago. That moment had been the mistake that had sent her to a hole she was unable to escape from. The hole seemed to grow deeper and deeper, making her sink lower into the ground and one day she'd try to scream and her voice wouldn't reach anybody anymore. She'd remain in her hole and the whole world would disappear completely.