Consequences Chapter 25

The euphoria was short-lived. Everything was there, in her mind, and Kathryn was powerless to resist the memories or the emotions. She remembered everything, absolutely everything, with a clear and sharp clarity that was cutting her to ribbons. She remembered destroying the array and knowing in that moment, no matter how hopeful she later tried to be, that she had lost Mark. The awful, familiar guilt settled over her once more, replacing her short-lived joy. She had torn not only herself, but everyone else away from their loved ones and the lives they had been leading. What right had she had to make that decision? The Ocampa. Sweet Kes. That was why she had done it. The gentle Ocampa Kathryn had met didn't deserve to be left to the tender mercies of the Kazon. But still, helping them didn't absolve Kathryn of her sins. She had lost too many people over the course of the journey. Too many. She told herself they all understood the risks of space travel and Starfleet, but she was only fooling herself. She was their captain and she had let them down.

The Doctor and Troi were watching her as she laid curled up in her bed. She hated the Doctor in that moment, hated the way he was studying her, hated the things he had said about her while she was on Voyager. He had written in his reports that he was concerned about her mental and physical well-being, that she was burned out, that she was a little too eager to put her life at risk for the ship and crew. And Tuvok had flat out told her she was reckless and self-destructive. But Chakotay, what he had said hurt the most. He had told her she wanted to be miserable, that she wanted to die, that she was losing herself. That it was hell to love her. That he couldn't love her anymore.

She pounded her fist into the pillow and then into the wall. What the hell had he wanted from her? She had to do the things she did in order to get them home. They were already in hell there in the Delta Quadrant, because of her choice. She didn't have the luxury of—what? Of prancing around the ship hand in hand with Chakotay? Is that what he had wanted? Too bad, she had had other priorities. Well, he'd found a way to console himself. He'd married Seven. She knew it all now, she knew what the admiral had told her of the future she would endure if she didn't use the transwarp hub to get Voyager home. She hadn't recorded any of it in her logs, not because of the Temporal Prime Directive, but because of how terribly painful it all was. Chakotay had married Seven—Seven! He had turned his back on Kathryn and left her alone to watch Tuvok lose his mind. Even after they made it back home early, after Braxton attacked her, despite all his claims of always loving Kathryn, he had still tried to be with Seven. Seven had told her about it the day Braxton attacked her.

Braxton. Kathryn sat up, trying to think. He had told her the Borg were gone and his timeline was also apparently gone. She should tell someone about that, but she was cringing, shielding her face. He wasn't here to kick her, but she curled protectively around her abdomen anyway. She could feel Harry's trembling hands snapping the restraints on her wrists, see Chakotay's white face as Braxton screamed he was going to take it all away. She had been relieved after he shot her. The weapon must have malfunctioned because she was uninjured, but Braxton was smiling at her triumphantly and she continued to kneel and look up at him, feeling so suddenly strange. Tuvok and Chakotay took advantage of Braxton's distraction, charging him and subduing him, while Kathryn could feel something slipping away from her, something terrible happening within her. There was too much to say and not enough time.

"Chakotay. Chakotay! Get them home. You do it, you get them home," she had said and Chakotay had come running to her, shouting her name, but everything had gone black and the next thing she had known was waking up in sickbay to a new and altered life.

Now she was once more whole, but she didn't know what to do next. She longed to run to Chakotay and take shelter in his arms, but at the same time, she wanted to hurt him just as much as he had hurt her. One part of her knew it wasn't fair to hold him accountable for what he had done in another timeline, but another part of her felt deeply betrayed, as if he had actually cheated on her with Seven. Seven! The fact that it was Seven he had married only deepened the hurt and sense of betrayal. How many times had she argued with him over Seven's presence on the ship and whether it would be possible to rehabilitate her? How had he gone from barely tolerating her to marrying her? And just what had Seven been thinking to go after Chakotay in the first place? She couldn't make sense of any of it and finally, she stopped trying. Instead, she got up and out of bed and demanded a padd. The Doctor brought her one without comment although he and Troi exchanged looks. She ignored them and sat down on the bed, her back against the wall, and proceeded to write her report on her final encounter with Braxton. Work had never failed her and it would save her now. She transmitted the report, complete with her recommendations to Admirals Paris, Hayes, and Nechayev, then got out of bed again.

"I'm ready to be released now."

"All right. I'll need to examine you once again."

It was late by the time Kathryn arrived back at her quarters. It had taken her hours in that room to come to terms with her restored memories and then more hours to be examined. She had briefly thought about going home to her mother, but had finally decided she needed the solitude of her own quarters. She would talk to Gretchen tomorrow.

The piano was still there. Kathryn regarded it for a minute, almost surprised at its continued presence in her living room. He loved her. Chakotay loved her. But she had always known that. It had never been a question of whether he did or didn't love her. Her mission had been more important and for a long time, there had been Mark. Kathryn shook her head and headed for the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothing behind her.

The long bath didn't stop her mind from racing and she toweled off and pulled on a robe, letting her tangled and wet hair drip down her back. She'd take the hypospray the Doctor had given her and lose herself in sleep. As she entered the darkened living room to grab the hypospray, her front door slid open and a tall figure stepped through. Kathryn almost hit the ceiling. She knew it wasn't possible, but for a minute she was convinced it was Braxton, back to put her in her place once more. Hell, he was a time traveler, anything was possible with him. Maybe it was him. Her blood pressure rose at that thought.

"Kathryn? Are you all right?" She had crouched into a defensive position. "It's me, Chakotay. Maybe I should have knocked first. Did I startle you?"

He came directly to her, paused for a moment, and then took her in his arms, his nose nuzzling into her hair.

"Did you just get out of the tub? Mmm, you used the honeysuckle bath oil. You smell so good."

She pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself.

"What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you. The Doctor and Troi notified us that you were released and needed time to yourself, but your mom and I were going crazy. She had to go back to Indiana and I told her I'd come and check on you."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow."

Chakotay was staring at her and Kathryn felt herself growing warm with embarrassment. She wished she was wearing something more substantial than the thin satin robe that was clinging to her damp skin.

"Kathryn, well? Tell me what it's like! It was incredible watching you remember, watching you realize what it meant to be home! That was one of the parts of it all that made it such a tragedy, how you couldn't appreciate being home. You have no idea how happy I am that you remember. And the crew, too. Naomi's going to tell Neelix when she talks to him tomorrow, so I'm sure he'll be demanding that you go talk to him right away."

Chakotay waited expectantly for an answer. What was it like? Well, one moment she had been innocent, unaware, the next filled with blinding joy, and the moment after that, once more aware of her deep guilt. It was like being doused in ice water when she had been expecting a warm embrace.

"I was about to go to bed. The Doctor gave me a hypospray."

She picked up the hypospray and Chakotay frowned.

"Your hair's still wet and tangled. Let me help you comb it out and dry it."

"No, I just want to go to bed. I don't care if my hair is wet."

"But you'll get the pillows wet. Let's go to bed and you can just lie down. I'll dry it for you, you don't have to do anything."

Kathryn stared at him, too shocked to say anything for a moment. He was here with the intention of staying the night. How could he be so presumptuous?

"Chakotay, I need to be alone. The Doctor and Troi already told you. I'm going to take this hypospray and go to bed now. I'll see you later."

She resented the way the corners of his mouth turned down. She was barely hanging on by a thread as it was, couldn't he see that and just let her be without putting demands on her?

"Oh." His face almost seemed to crumple and then he hugged her once more. "Oh, Kathryn, you have no idea what it was like to see you like that, to know that I was in the mess hall while he was beating you, taking your memories again. Oh Kathryn. But you're all right. You're all right."

She stood stiffly, waiting for him to free her from his desperate embrace. He leaned back only enough to press his forehead against hers.

"You should have told me about Mark. You shouldn't have let me think we were still—you should have told me. I felt like such a fool when I remembered."

"What?" He released Kathryn only to place his hands on her shoulders.

"You should have told me about Mark."

"No, you didn't need to go through that pain again, not when the Doctor was so close to restoring your memories and not when you were so fragile. There's no reason to be embarrassed. I told Mark to just go along with it and he agreed immediately. He cares about you and he wanted to spare you as much pain as possible."

"You should have let me see the footage of my attack. I didn't recognize Braxton right away. If I had, I could have gotten away. Maybe he would still be alive and we would have him in custody now."

His hands fell away from her and he peered at her with concern.

"Kathryn, are you all right? I can't imagine what it must be like to suddenly have all of your memories returned like that. Why don't we sit down and talk?"

"No! I need to be alone, I told you! The Doctor told you!"

"Okay, okay."

He took a step back and she hated the pained and apprehensive look he wore. It made her heart ache and she impulsively threw her arms around him. He was solid and reassuring, warm and big. He was the man who had been her lifeline for the past six months, the man she had agreed to live with, the man she loved and whose child she wanted to have. But he was also Chakotay, her first officer, her friend, but never ever more because her priority was getting Voyager home. She let go of him abruptly, pushing him away.

"You should go. I'm—I need to rest."

"Kathryn, are you sure you should be alone?"

"Yes!"

"All right. Look, get in bed and I'll give you your hypospray. I'll get you a towel for your hair and then you can have a good night's sleep."

She longed for him to stay with her so that she could wrap herself around him and sleep all night long, secure and safe, but that was impossible now. This was Chakotay.

"Just go."

He wanted to protest, but he slowly nodded and left.

-TBC

Thanks for the reviews!