Unscathed
Chapter 25:
He knows she's pretending to be asleep.
It's nearly ten in the morning and he's just woken up. There's absolutely no way that Kate is still sleeping. Yes, the angry make-up sex was very good, but not good enough for her to still be asleep.
Also, she has a very distinctive breathing pattern when sleeping, and that isn't it. But, whatever her reason, he'll let her pretend. Personally, he's starving. They never did make it to the food, other than to shove it in the fridge.
When he shuffles out into the kitchen he finds Alexis sitting at the counter reading a book.
"Morning, pumpkin," he says, bending to give her a quick squeeze before moving to the fridge.
Alexis smiles at him. "Morning, dad. Good night?"
He pauses, noting her devious little smirk. "Do you want to know?" She scrunches up her face and he laughs. "Thought so."
Alexis rolls her eyes and closes her book. "You and Kate okay?"
Castle smiles and pops a carton of eggs onto the counter. "We're fine, sweetheart. Promise."
Alexis nods. "Good. I like you guys."
He smiles, oddly touched, though it's not news. "I like us too. How are you?"
"I'm good," she says, tapping the cover of the book. "Woke up early."
"Bad dream?"
She pauses for a second. "Yeah, a bit."
"Really bad?" he wonders, remembering Kate's words from the previous night. "Did you need one of us?"
"Oh, no," Alexis says easily. "No, just woke me up, and since it was light out, I stayed up."
"You can always come get us, you know," Castle says softly. "We're always here. I'm always here if you need to talk. You know that, right?" he asks tentatively.
Alexis smiles. "I know," she promises. "It—it wasn't terrible. It was just the basement, no Tyson. Kate and I kind of ran out of things to talk about, and we were sitting in silence and it just…I don't know. It was weird. A weird dream, rather than bad, maybe?"
"Those can be worse," Castle tells her. "I used to have one where you and I were at a park playing, and suddenly it was just the two of us. We kept having a good time, but there was just something about it being just us…I can't explain it, but it always woke me up and I could never get back to sleep."
"Did you watch me sleep after?" she wonders.
He smiles and cracks the eggs into a bowl. "I did."
"The year you and Gina broke up," Alexis surmises.
He pauses, then nods. "Yeah." They sit quietly as he whisks the eggs, enough for two. He'll make Kate one if she ever comes out of hiding.
"Did you miss Gina, when she left?" Castle wonders.
Perhaps it's not what they should be talking about, but it feels vital suddenly that he knows the answer.
Alexis raises surprised eyes to meet his. "Um, not really," she says slowly. "She—I like Gina, she's nice, and she was sweet to me, but it wasn't…" she pauses and glances toward the office, as if Kate might appear. "We didn't have a bond or anything."
He nods and offers her a smile as she looks back at him. "I'm sorry."
Alexis shakes her head and smiles. "Didn't matter. I had you."
He matches her grin at that, his chest filling with it. "Yeah. Never gonna lose me, pumpkin."
"I know," she says simply.
"Good. Cheddar or swiss in your omelet?"
"What are you having?"
He winks at her. "Chocolate."
"Oh, gross. Gross, no. No. Cheddar, please."
He laughs as she squirms in disgust and goes about making their breakfast, the two of them bantering quietly about the book she's reading—one of Jim's earliest—and who was the best dressed of the matron set at her graduation.
He swings around to sit next to her at the counter when he's finished, knocking his foot against hers so she laughs.
"So, Hamptons," Alexis says as they tuck in.
"Yeah. You still game?"
"We've got two months, right? Before you guys go back to work?"
Castle nods. "But you know, if you want me to stay home, any day, you and me, I'm there."
Alexis smiles and bumps his arm with her shoulder. "I know."
"Two whole months. Think she'll go crazy?" Castle whispers to Alexis.
His daughter laughs, nice and loud. "Maybe. Who knows, maybe someone will get murdered in the Hamptons. Oh, wow," she stops and looks at him, wide-eyed. "Did I just say that?"'
He laughs and swings his arm over her shoulders, noting that she stiffens for a second before relaxing against him. "You're in good company."
Alexis laughs and leans into him. "Good."
"Good," he agrees.
(…)
"What's dad doing?" Alexis wonders as Kate pulls her into her bedroom to pack for the trip.
"Taking down my murder board," Kate says easily, staring around and trying to remember where she put her bathing suit last.
"Oh," Alexis mumbles.
Kate looks over at her and finds Alexis standing still, a bit lost. "I thought it might help," she explains, thinking maybe the honesty would be good. "And I don't want to look at it."
"Makes sense," Alexis offers quietly.
"Can you help me look for my suit? Just not the top drawer," she instructs.
Alexis looks over at her. "Why, is that your lingerie?"
"Yes," Kate replies, deadpan.
The girl wrinkles her nose, then glances back at Kate. "How do you even shop for that? Like, I know you can try on bras, but garters and stuff, do you try that on? Do you go to the store and try on teddies?"
Kate considers the teen, who's now staring at her top drawer. "Why don't I send you with Lanie sometime?"
Alexis laughs, startled. "Too weird for you?"
"No, but then I remember that you're my boyfriend's kid, and it gets a little weird."
Alexis giggles. "Fair. Oh, ugh, yeah."
"See," Kate says, smiling as Alexis seems to relax.
The Castles are already packed, everything all set in the sleek sedan downstairs. It's just Kate, who didn't have any summer dresses or shorts or anything suitable packed away at Casa Castle. So now here they are, packing while Castle takes down her mother's murder board.
He offered, and she didn't want to say no, figures it might give him more security, more faith. He seems happier this morning, but a little more assurance never goes awry.
"So bathing suit," Alexis states.
"Haven't seen it in at least two years," Kate admits, opening her closet and beginning to go through her shelves. "It might be with my socks, or with my shorts?"
"Are we talking bikini, tankini, one piece?" Alexis asks as she starts rummaging.
"Bikini," Kate says. "I think. There's a tan one piece from last year, but I don't know if I brought that back."
"Bond girl kind of number?" Alexis wonders.
"Yeah?"
The teen holds it up, triumphant.
Kate smiles and walks over to take it, considering the opened front. She'd rather at least cover the scars on her stomach if she can. The ones on her back are a lost cause.
"You know it's just us for now. We can order something more concealing," Alexis tells her.
Kate smiles. "I know. I don't want you looking at them either."
Alexis waves her off and strides over to the closet, going through dresses and pulling out anything she likes. "Doesn't bother me."
"It bothers me," Kate mumbles, shaking her head as Alexis rolls her eyes.
"You're not being a very body positive role model right now," Alexis says with a smirk.
"Yeah well, I'm a realistic role model. Full of flaws. You want good advice, let's look at my lingerie after all. I have very good taste in that."
"I agree," Castle says, loafing into the room with a grin as Alexis groans and tosses a dress at Kate. "What?" Castle says innocently.
Kate laughs and Alexis sticks out her tongue at them both.
Normalcy, she thinks, is good. Castle smirks at her, looking a little more at peace now. A strange normal, to be sure, but they've got it. They'll find it, the three of them, together.
(…)
"Kate."
She nods slowly, hearing Alexis laugh behind them.
"Say something," Castle implores, his arm around her shoulders as she stares up at the gargantuan house.
"Are you rich or something?" she manages, taken aback.
It's not that she's never had nice things, seen wealth, enjoyed the occasional splurge. But this house just goes on and on. It has its own private beach, and a pool she glimpsed on the drive up, with a pool house. There must be at least seven bedrooms. She knew the facts, but the reality staring her in the face…
"Loaded," Castle replies, squeezing her and bumping her with his hip. "Come on. Let's go be spoiled for a while. Get you a great tan. I'll even put lotion on you."
She smiles at that, breathing in as he remains the same man as ever. Alexis steps up on her other side.
"It grows on you."
"Like a fungus," Castle agrees.
Kate laughs and gestures for them to lead the way into their summer home. Castle takes her hand and guides her inside. The foyer is beautiful, soft light wood, with a large staircase leading up to the second floor.
They leave their suitcases by the door and he begins the tour, Alexis adding helpful and storied history along the way. Here's the kitchen, where they once made the microwave explode by putting silly putty in it. Here's the living room, they read in there. Here's the entertainment center, where they do movie marathons when it rains. Here's the staircase where Castle busted his knee sliding down the banister.
Here's Martha's room—the woman herself is out a function but will be joining them for dinner. Here's the guest room, won't need that.
Alexis' room looks out on the ocean, the walls a light lilac, covered in photos of sandcastles and New York City. The twin bed is strewn with stuffed animals and a bright pink comforter.
"I picked it when I was six," Alexis mumbles as Kate looks around with a smile.
"It's lovely," Kate says, hiding a smile as Castle laughs over his daughter's head.
"It's really soft," Alexis defends, elbowing Castle without evening looking at him.
"Mine was bright green," Kate tells her.
Alexis smiles shyly. "Not into pink?"
"My mom wanted to get me a pink one, and I just wanted to choose. I hated it, wished I'd gone with her choice for years, but stayed with the green out of pride."
"Isn't it supposed to be envy?" Castle wonders.
"I'll get Martha to tell me what posters you had on your walls," Kate threatens.
"Electra," Alexis whispers.
Castle groans and Kate grins, letting him yank her out of the room. Alexis giggles along behind them.
"You know I love her too," Kate says, nudging Castle when it looks like his pout might stick around.
"Yeah, but…that's…she's not real. I had an actual poster of the comic book character."
Kate does laugh at that. "We haven't talked about your feelings on anime, Castle."
"Not in front of the kid," he retorts.
"Ugh, gross, Dad."
"What?" Kate says, glancing back at Alexis, who has her face all scrunched up. "Oh, gross, Castle. I meant actual anime, not porn."
"Kate!" Castle squeaks.
"Her head was already there," Kate protests. "This is your fault."
"Okay, you two can look at your room on your own. I'm going to go see if Gram has anything other than crackers and wine in the house."
They watch as Alexis scurries back down the hall and disappears down the stairs.
"How much do you think I should put in the therapy fund?" Castle asks.
"Specifically for trauma caused by our sex life?"
"Yeah," he says, cracking a smile. "We've been kind of awful."
"Eh. Babies come from somewhere, right?" Kate offers, opening the door to what she assumes must be the master bedroom.
She hears him spluttering behind her but can't focus on his reaction in the face of his enormous bedroom. There's a roaring fireplace with what looks like an anchor inside of it. Directly across from the fire sits the California King bed, a driftwood headboard behind it. The full-wall windows open onto a balcony that looks directly out on the ocean. She can see an alcove off to the side that must go to the ensuite. Given the size of the bedroom, she could probably live in the closet.
"Kate?"
She realizes she's just standing there with her mouth open and shakes her head. "Wow," she manages.
He chuckles and wraps his arms around her, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Good wow?"
"Wow wow," she says, staring around. "It's…beautiful. Big. Big and beautiful."
He smiles against her cheek. "We'll enjoy it."
She has a brief pang, remembering the last woman (well, who she thinks was the last woman) to enjoy it with him. But he kisses her ear and sniffs her hair and she lets it go. Gina may have been here once, or many times, but Kate is here now. And they've been through a hell of a lot more and come out the other side intact.
They're going to heal here.
In his enormous, over-the-top, gargantuan, ridiculous, decadent bedroom.
"Bathtub?" she wonders.
"Jacuzzi."
"Shower?"
"Dual walk in."
"Bed?"
"Memory foam. TV out of the baseboard."
"So we can watch Japanese animated porn together?"
He grunts and nips at her neck. "No."
"No?"
"Maybe once," he reneges. "I've never seen any."
"Really?"
"Why, have you?"
She laughs. "Lanie and I watched a few once."
He sucks in a breath. "I have so many many images in my head right now."
"Is one of them Lanie vomiting on my feet while we were drunk on three-dollar zinfandel?"
He laughs. "Curiosity?"
"Um," Kate hesitates. She can't tell Castle that Javi had a folder of some on his computer, can she?
"I don't want to know," he says quickly. "Oh, God, I really don't want to know."
"It wasn't tentacle porn," she placates.
"Tentacle—okay, no more bedroom for you," he decides, shuffling her out into the hallway. "I—why, Kate?"
She laughs and turns in his arms as they clear the doorway. "Because if I have to know that about Esposito, so do you."
He scowls then breaks into laughter. "Seriously?"
"We found out later that Kev had planted it. Javi nearly killed him."
"That's genius," he says, his eyes suddenly narrowing. "Do you think—"
"You do not want to incur that kind of wrath," she warns. "God only knows what Javi put on his, and I know Jenny found it."
"Yikes."
"Yeah. Make sure you hide your porn."
"Who downloads porn these days?"
Kate laughs and arches up to kiss him. "So you only stream?"
He pulls back and considers her. "You watch porn?"
She smirks and detangles herself from him. "Can you handle that?"
His eyes darken. "Oh, Beckett, the things I could teach you."
"You wanna bet?"
They stand a few feet apart, both with arms crossed. "Are you saying you can beat me in a sexual exhibition?"
"Probably. What are you suggesting?"
"I'm hungry!"
They both turn at the sound, Alexis' call reverberating through the house.
"I'm suggesting we feed the teenager before she gets grumpy," Castle offers after a deep breath. He walks over and leans down, staring deep into her eyes. "And then I say we have the most explosive night of sex ever. No holds bar. No off limits."
"You're on."
He swoops in for a kiss then leaves her breathless, whistling his way down the hallway.
Oh, he's so in for it.
(…)
"Well look at you three, how domestic," Martha announces as she sashays into the room. She lifts her enormous sunglasses and grins as Alexis darts out from behind the counter and rushes her in a bear hug.
Kate hears Castle laughing behind her and wipes her hands on the dishtowel. She feels his hands bracket her waist and leans back into him. They've gotten cuddly this afternoon, lots of soft touches, as if they're trying to mutually dissipate the sexual tension of their little plan.
"It's been four days," Castle mutters to the top of Kate's head.
"A big four days," Kate whispers back.
Castle squeezes her waist and she feels him let out a slow breath. "Yeah."
Kate bumps his chin with her forehead. He turns and kisses the crown of her head, then steps away to sweep his mother up in a hug.
She suddenly feels a little other, the three of them talking rapidly at each other while she stands on the other side of the island. She smiles through the discomfort, feeling some ease at how normal and relaxed Alexis seems here, with them, in this place.
Martha comes around for her after a minute, wrapping her up in a hug. She's at once fragile and strong, her hug a vice made of muscle, bone, and sinew. It's comforting, and when they pull apart, suddenly Kate doesn't feel so isolated.
"What are we having for dinner?" Martha asks, clapping her hands together and looking down at their work. "Oh, lasagna, lovely."
"It's tradition," Alexis adds for Kate's benefit. "Lasagna on the first night. Cook out on the second. Take out the next. Lasagna on the fourth."
Kate smiles. "Practical."
"Well, fourth day lasagna is the best," Castle adds, layering in another line of ricotta. "And the house usually gets hot after that, so we don't want to use the oven."
"The central air doesn't work?" Kate wonders.
He laughs. "Of course. But still."
"We leave it off when we go to the beach," Alexis adds. "For environmental purposes."
"Of course," Martha adds, winking over the girl's head.
Kate feels like maybe she's being left out of a private joke, but nods all the same, helping Alexis squish more tomatoes to add to the simmering sauce on the stove.
"Though, sometimes someone," Alexis nods pointedly at Castle, "forgets to put on sunscreen and we have to keep the place glacial for a week so he doesn't die of heat stroke."
"Bad burns, Castle?"
"He looked like a lobster a few summers ago," Martha says before Castle can defend himself. "Took him to the ER for dehydration, actually."
"Oh, jeez," Kate mumbles. "Not this summer."
He nods. "We've had more than enough of the ER this year, I would say."
Alexis stiffens slightly before lifting her spoon from the sauce. "Hear hear."
"Then it's settled," Martha says, smiling as she steals a pinch of mozzarella from Castle's grated bowl. "No more emergency medical attention."
Kate sees Castle wince and smiles, walking over to wrap her arm around him as Alexis and Martha fall into easy conversation.
"Stop being so superstitious, mister."
He gives her a wry smile, caught. "Right."
She rubs over his low back. "We'll be fine."
"But seriously," he says, meeting her eyes. "No more medical attention, okay? Lots of sunscreen, lots of water, lots of rest."
She laughs. "I'm fine."
"I know," he agrees. "I just—next year, no summer ER visits, no kidnappings, no anything. We're done, okay?"
She nods and arches up to kiss him, stroking over his cheek. "Okay, Castle. Peaceful summer."
"Summers. From here on out."
She laughs. "Okay."
(…)
"Are you really set on that 'no emergency room' thing?"
He slides an eye open and blinks at her, hair mussed, lips plump, and body utterly, utterly sated. "Why?" he croaks.
"Because I think one more orgasm and I might die," she offers, giggling a little before she can get the whole thing out.
He grins at her and rolls onto his side with a groan, reaching out to glide his hand along her stomach.
They're sprawled out in his ridiculous bed, sated, sore, and stark naked. She's sweaty and tired and just so freakin' relaxed.
"You'll die?" he asks, summoning playfulness from the well of exhaustion they're lying in.
"I'll die," she agrees, nodding as best she can.
"Too much for you?"
"I don't see you rising for another round."
He grunts and scuttles forward to nip at her chin. "Four times, woman."
She laughs and turns her cheek to press a chaste kiss to his mouth, unwilling to even open the option to more. "Yeah," she breathes out.
He smiles. "Seven for you."
"Yeah," she repeats, shifting her aching hips. "One too many."
"You weren't complaining."
"No," she agrees, smiling when he tugs her in to rest against his chest as he shifts to lie on his back. "No, just…buyer's remorse."
"Oh please," he huffs. "You loved it."
She smiles. "Okay, yeah. But ow."
His hand slinks down to kneed against her sacrum and she practically purrs.
"Any favorites?" he mumbles.
She kisses his sticky chest and snuggles into him, body cool enough now to want the heat of his skin on hers. "Four, maybe."
She feels him thinking. "Um, which was that?"
She laughs and trails her fingers through his chest hair, smirking at he lets out a little contented sigh. "The one when you decided to see if I could, um," she blushes then, stalling and burying her face in his chest.
She's not embarrassed, no, but talking about it clinically like this makes her feel a little dirty. Well, that and his decision to see if she could…squirt was born primarily from her nearly having a panic attack when they accidentally rolled themselves into missionary.
"And you can," he crows. "Pretty freakin' impressive."
She blushes more, now actually a little embarrassed, and glad he had extra sheets. "Fine you win. You taught me something."
"Something awesome," he adds.
"Why is that such a turn on?" Kate wonders.
"Beckett, if you could have seen your face, you'd understand."
"I—" she mumbles.
He sighs and shifts, gently dislodging her so he can scoot down and catch her eyes. "To know that I can do that to you? Make you let go like that? That you're that comfortable with me? Hell, Kate, that's enough. That you look so freaking beautiful and sexy when you do it? Perks."
She blinks at him and swallows around a sudden tenderness creeping up her chest for him. "Okay."
"Did you not like it?" he wonders, his words suddenly cautious.
"I just told you it was my favorite one," she says, her cheeks still flaming. "I—it's just—I don't know. Gimme a few times and I'll get over it."
He laughs and leans in, catching her in another kiss, this one calm and comforting. "Anytime you want."
"So you liked it too."
He considers her for a second. "I've never made anyone do that before."
"What?" she squeaks, surprised. It's not only that he was kind of…astounding at it, but that he could be like that and not have gotten anyone else there? And with his considerable experience?
"Like I said, that you're that comfortable with me? I've never—look, it's not something you do with a random woman, or someone you're just dating for a minute, at least not in my experience."
"Oh," she manages.
"Any time anyone ever got close, they got really, um, self-conscious about it."
She nods slowly. "I can understand that."
"But you—you let me try, and you let yourself, and yeah. Yeah, I liked it. Loved it, actually."
"So that was a first," she says, feeling herself grinning.
"Yeah," he agrees, smiling with her. "A mutual first."
She laughs. "So no one won."
"I'd say we're both winners, actually, wouldn't you?"
She nods shyly, reaching up to brush some of her hair off her face and coming back with a sweaty palm. "I'd say we should shower, huh?"
He chuckles and slides out of bed, pulling her with him. "It's gonna be a good summer, isn't it?"
She smiles as they unabashedly walk into his bathroom together, naked and relaxed. "Yeah, Castle. I think it will be."
(…)
She stares out at the choppy sea, legs curled up on the cushion beside her, her long-cold cup of coffee still held between her palms. She woke early, aching and weary, in all the wonderful ways, but wasn't able to get back to sleep.
The house is loud. It creaks and bumps. Castle's room is large and filled with shadows. The fire crackles all night, and while it was lovely to fall asleep to, wrapped in her lover's arms, the constant sizzle and pop of the embers jarred against her nerves upon waking.
This isn't her home.
The loft isn't her home either, but she knows it. She knows the rhythms of the heating system, knows the blast of the air conditioning. She knows how Alexis sounds, puttering in the kitchen, knows Martha's soft tread across the floors upstairs. But here—here, even the familiar sounds different.
This isn't her home, but she wants it to be. She knows she does. She's in—in so deep she could never, ever climb back out. She's in for the ugly, the painful, the wretched parts of it. She's here to stay.
But this isn't her home.
Wind whips up the beach and she snuggles deeper into Castle's robe. Loft or Hamptons she's still stealing his clothes. She's surprised actually that he hasn't gone and bought her one of her own.
This isn't her home, but this is her life.
Her life is family dinners and beach houses, and Ferraris. Her life is opulence and wealth. Her life is sharing her time with her boyfriend and his daughter, and they are filthy stinkin' rich.
Her life wasn't this two months ago. Her life was justice. And now…
She shivers and leans over to place the coffee on the porch floor. She suddenly doesn't want it so much anymore, not without Castle there.
The house makes sense when she has Castle with her, when Alexis is laughing at the counter, when Martha is being dramatic. But without them, it's foreign, and she can't seem to reclaim the ease she feels alone at the loft.
Without them, she has a little time, a little space, and everything from the last four days just comes crashing back.
She pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them, chin resting on her knee.
She's proud of the choices she's made. She knows her mother would be too—would be grateful that she's finally found some priorities and stuck to them. She knows that, deep down. But somehow, when the enormous house is quiet and Alexis and Castle are asleep, her choices feel less cathartic.
Not wrong, no. But they hurt. She feels it deep in her chest. It aches against her scars.
She tells herself it's not real. The pain isn't real. It's just her mind playing tricks. She knows it is.
She rubs at the bullet wound anyway. The fabric of her camisole beneath her robe catches against the raised edges of the scar and she hisses, drops her hand.
"Darling?"
Kate stiffens and blows out a breath before turning the brightest look she can muster Martha's way. "Morning," she says, and her voice is raw.
Martha considers her then pads across the cool porch to sit beside her. Kate uncurls, biting back a hiss of pain from the protestation of every muscle she seems to have.
Sexual exploration is great. But maybe they need to take it a little slower. God, Castle's going to groan like a baby if he's in half the shape she is this morning.
"Stormy today," Martha offers as they sit looking out at the ocean together. Kate doesn't quite know what to say—isn't even sure she'll have more voice left if she tries.
"It's always rather beautiful when it rains out here, majestic and powerful," Martha continues. "Alexis used to be so scared of the thunder."
"Really?" Kate manages.
Martha smiles softly. "The year after Meredith left, Richard brought us out here for the summer. First time for me, actually. They came out with Meredith the year before, but I just…couldn't." She gives Kate a telling look. "Anyway, it must have been three in the morning and I heard Alexis crying. I got up but Richard was already there, telling her all about thunder and counting for miles. They sat in the chair by her window all night."
Kate smiles at the thought, the story tugging harshly against her chest. Scared little Alexis and her young father, both recently abandoned, holding together against the storm.
"He's a good father," Martha says softly.
"Yeah, he is," Kate agrees, her voice still rough, but strong with the statement. She's always in awe of him as a father, in love with him for it too.
"How are you, kiddo?"
Kate swallows and glances at Martha. "I'm," she hesitates. "I'm fine."
"Richard said you've been suspended for two months." Kate nods slowly. Martha stares at her for a long moment, and Kate can't think of a way to fill the silence. "What aren't you telling me?"
Kate swallows a strange laugh. So many things. So many, many things no one should know, not Ryan, not Esposito, not Alexis, not even Castle, if she had her way. There are so many people, so much immediate family wrapped up in what should be hers to bear alone.
"Nothing," Kate says, her voice shaking. "Nothing. Everything's fine, Martha. I promise."
Martha tuts. "I can handle things, you know," she says, shifting a bit in her seat. "I know you don't want to put me in danger, but I—I am here, and I can help."
Kate turns, surprised by her words. "Martha, I—"
"Alexis has spoken with me some about what happened in that basement." Oh. "And Richard—I saw, you know. I don't know that we've talked about it since really, come to think of it. But, you, dear, if you ever need to talk, I—I want you to know that I'm available."
Kate stares at her, floundering. "I—thank you," she eeks out.
Martha smiles. "Not that you need to, but I just—well, you're out here all alone, and so…small."
Kate chuckles at that. She doesn't know what to say, how to share. "It's a big house," she decides.
Martha laughs at that. "It is."
"I just…couldn't sleep. They make you forget."
"Richard and Alexis?"
Kate nods. "And sometimes I forget that he's a millionaire and that it hasn't been like this for years, you know? He makes it so easy to forget."
Martha smiles and reaches out to pat her knee. "So I've seen, dear."
Kate smiles. "I really am all right, Martha, I promise."
Martha sighs. "You're not, darling, but I understand."
Kate swallows, the hard tug of grief swelling back up in her chest at his mother's soft, candid words. She's not all right, not at all. But she's trying so hard to be.
"What have you been up to the last few days?" Kate asks, forcing her way through it. She doesn't want to cry in front of Martha. Doesn't want to worry her with any of it.
"Oh, sunning, reading." Kate waits. "A little party, you know. Nothing spectacular."
Kate smiles. "Do you have a lot of friends out here?"
Martha turns and gives her a Cheshire grin. "A fair few."
Kate laughs. "Maybe we'll have to throw a big bash for the Fourth."
Martha nods contemplatively. "If you girls feel up to it."
Up to it? Is she up to seeing people, lots of people? Is she up to hosting a party on Castle's arm—admitting to more than their friends that they're a something?
"Even if we don't, I think it would be good," Kate decides. Forcing them into some discomfort, in a few weeks, she thinks, will help. A little frivolity.
"Oh, Richard will enjoy it. Fireworks." Kate grimaces and Martha laughs heartily. "Don't worry, dear. We don't let him light them."
"Good," Kate agrees.
"Well, not since the time he got those burns."
"What?"
"Mother, what are you telling Kate?"
They both turn and find Castle blinking owlishly in the doorway, hair still mussed, pajamas wrinkled. The sun is just coming up over the water. It's still so very early.
"Nothing nothing," Martha says, holding up her hands. Castle glares at her and she scoffs, reaching over to squeeze Kate's arm before standing.
Castle allows her a kiss on the cheek and then slumps as she saunters into the house.
"Burns, huh?" Kate wonders, uncurling as he shuffles over to plop down next to her.
"Second degree. It's why this bit's hairless," he says, offering his forearm. She peers down at a small patch of hairless skin she's never noticed before.
"I'm sure you were very manly about it."
He grunts and knocks her with his shoulder. "I was. Super manly."
Kate smiles, stroking over the little patch. "Hurt a lot?"
He gives her a sidelong look. "I don't trust your concept of pain."
She lets out a surprised laugh at that. "Thanks, I think."
"Just means childbirth is going to be fun," he says, grinning as she shudders.
"Think I can't take it?" Never mind that they're having this conversation at all…
"No no. I think you'll be one of those women who just does it, all calm and determined. Scares the crap out of the doctors, and breaks my hand."
She glides her hand down to curl her fingers between his. "I'll try not to. Need you to change the diapers and all. And give me backrubs with your magic hands," she adds, noting the way he squeezes her fingers at that. "Lots of things we need your fingers for."
"Yeah," he agrees, slightly dreamy.
She smirks, knowing he's thinking of the previous night. "How you feelin'?"
"Good," he says, the word drawn out and lazy. She laughs. "You?"
"Good," she agrees. "Achy though."
"Want a magic massage?"
She shakes her head. "I am so not up for porch sex, Castle."
He gasps, offended, a hand over his heart. "Purely altruistic intentions here, Beckett."
"Uh-huh."
He huffs. "Fine, then how about a dip in the hot tub? Let that do the pounding for me."
She can't help but giggle and he smiles, releasing her hand to wrap his arm over her shoulders, dragging her into his side. He kisses the side of her head and takes a deep breath, relaxing against her.
"It's gorgeous," she offers after a few quiet minutes.
"The ocean?"
"The ocean, the house."
"I'm glad you like it," he says softly, and she feels his hand curling tighter over her shoulder.
"Were you worried?"
He shrugs. "I want you to like my stuff."
She smiles and presses her cheek to the meat of his shoulder. "I like all your stuff, Castle."
He laughs, low and rumbling.
Like this, it's easy. With him, it's all so easy.
Even when it's hard, it's easier than she remembers anything being, because she knows that even when they're mad, they're still united. They've proven that.
"You okay?" he asks, and she realizes she's curled up against him, pulled her legs up to bump against his thigh.
"Yeah," she says automatically. He waits and she blows out a breath. "I don't know, Castle. I'm—adjusting."
"To the house?"
Smart man. "The house, the case being semi-closed. Suspension. I just—I don't know. I'm off kilter." He sighs and she turns to glance up at him. "Not in a bad way, just…there's been a lot of change, you know?"
"With the case?" he wonders.
"With everything. And that's not—I—I want this. You know I want this," she adds, twisting so she can rise on her knees, one hand on his shoulder, the other wrapping into the collar of his tee shirt. "I love you."
He smiles and pulls her into his lap for a kiss, shifting her until her knees bracket his hips, her body settled against his. "I love you too."
"So I'm fine, I'm good," she assures him. "I'm just…"
He nods and kisses her nose, his face soft, eyes tender. She sinks into him, lets him band his arms around her back, rests her cheek against the crook of his neck. "I'm tired, Castle," she admits into his skin.
He nods, smoothing a hand through her hair. "We'll rest, Kate."