Chapter 25

The ambulance ride was long. Dean's head was spinning as he sat on the stretcher, his hands still cuffed behind his back. He could hear the paramedics talking to each other, but it just sounded like background noise.

I told you, you would hurt him. I told you, you would turn out just like John. I told you all of this would happen. I TOLD YOU.

He closed his eyes and lowered his head, tears running down his cheeks as the reality of what had just happened set in. What had he done?

"Medicine time, hun. And then you have to go to your group. It's almost two."

Dean was lying on his side on the bed, staring at the wall. The nurse held a cup containing four different medications over his shoulder. He reached up with his other hand and took it, bending his neck to knock them back. She then gave him some water, which he guzzled down. The medicine gave him such horrible dry mouth.

"Sweetheart, you can have visitors tomorrow. Do you want to call someone?"

"I don't think anyone wants to come," he said quietly, lying his head back down to continue staring at the wall. He wouldn't blame Cas if he never wanted to see him again after what he'd done.

"Stop it hun. I think you're great," she said, scribbling something on his chart.

He had been admitted on Friday, and it was now Sunday. Arriving was horrible. He was poked and prodded and interrogated. They tried to stress him out to see what happened when they triggered him, tried to make him snap, and it worked. They got what they needed. Then, they took everything. His clothes, phone, shoelaces, and knife all sat in a locker in the office. He was shoved into a room, containing nothing but a bed and a small dresser. Across from him, there was another bed. Thankfully it was empty.

"Besides," she continued. "Someone's been calling for you."

He rolled over and sat up in bed. "What?"

"Yes. A boy." She paused. "Can't remember his name though..." She tapped her pen on the clipboard.

"Cas?" Dean asked hopefully.

"It was longer. Is that a nickname?"

Dean nodded. "It's Castiel."

"Yes, that was it!" she said, snapping her fingers. "Damn this old age."

Dean smiled. He liked her. She was funny. "So... what did he say?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"He wants to know when he can come visit you, of course." She smiled at the happiness this brought Dean. "Is he your boyfriend?" she asked.

Dean's face fell and he turned bright red. "Umm..." He tried to read her face, and it seemed to be genuine and caring. "Yes."

She smiled, not missing a beat. "That's nice. I bet you've missed him."

Dean let out a small sigh of relief. "Yes. I have."

She continued smiling. "So, next time he calls, should I tell him he can come tomorrow?"

Dean nodded. "Can... can you ask him to bring my brother?"

"Good. And yes." She set his chart down. "Now come on, it's time for group."

Dean groaned, but dragged himself out of bed to follow her.

Cas had spent the last three days pacing back and forth in his room, foregoing his schoolwork, anxiously awaiting day three. The receptionist at the hospital wouldn't tell him when he could see Dean, but he was banking on the EMT's word. Finally, when he called back on Sunday, they told him he could come in the following day during visiting hours, and that Dean had requested he bring his brother. He thanked them and immediately called Sam.

The next day, he drove the Impala to pick Sam up. As they drove to the hospital, Cas explained more about what had been going on and what had happened the day he had to have Dean admitted. Sam was thankful Cas had made the decision, even though he knew it must have been hard for him. He had offered to come over that night to hang out with Cas, but Cas had declined. Instead he drank just to get drunk, something he never did, alone in his room.

Once they arrived, they were searched for contraband and shown to a large room with a few tables. They sat down next to each other at the only table that didn't already have friends and family sitting at them, anxiously waiting for them to bring the patients in. Finally, one by one, they started shuffling in. Dean was the last one in, and his eyes lit up when he saw his boyfriend and his brother. He rushed over to the table. Cas stood up, and Dean threw his arms around him. "Fuck, I missed you," he whispered into his neck. They pulled apart and he turned to Sam, bending down to hug him too. "Hiya, Sammy." He then sat down across from them. "Thank you for coming," he said quietly.

"How are you feeling?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. "Alright."

"I'm glad you're here, Dean. I want to see you better," Sam said.

"I know..." Dean replied. "Me too."

"So... now that you've been under observation, have they changed anything around?" Cas asked. "Medications? ...Diagnoses?

Dean hesitated. "Yeah... they took me off the other two meds I was on, and I'm on four new ones." He frowned. "One is an anti-anxiety, the other is an anti-depressant, the other is an anti-psychotic..." He trailed off, closing his eyes. "I can't remember the other one."

"Are they helping?" Sam asked hopefully.

Dean shrugged again, opening his eyes. "A little. I'm having less physical and visual hallucinations." I told you, I'm not going anywhere. He tried to ignore him.

"What about your diagnoses?" Cas pressed. "I'm not trying to upset you-" he started, but Dean interrupted him.

"I know, you want to go home and do research." He smirked.

Cas smiled. They knew each other so well. "Yes."

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he reopened them, he spoke. "They said... they said I have borderline personality disorder. And, um..." He trailed off, fidgeting with his fingers on the tabletop.

Cas reached across the table and put his hand on Dean's. Dean looked up to meet his gaze, and Cas was smiling. "It's okay."

"You're not going to want anything to do with me," he murmured, looking away, feeling his eyes starting to sting.

"Dean, you know that's not true."

Dean swallowed and looked back at Cas. "They said it's called schizoaffective disorder." He paused. "Basically..."

"Schizophrenia," Sam said slowly.

Dean nodded. "Yeah," he said softly, looking down.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said, squeezing his hand. "But I promised I wasn't going anywhere, okay?"

Dean didn't respond.

"Look at me." Dean looked up to meet his gaze. It had only been four days, but he had missed those blue eyes. "Okay?" Cas repeated.

Dean nodded. "Okay," he choked out.

"Okay," Cas said again, pulling his hand away.

"So, what's it like in here?" Sam asked. He wanted to change the subject, but he was also becoming anxious. Schizophrenia is genetic, and if their father had passed it on to Dean, it was possible he could develop it as he got older, too.

Dean appreciated the subject change. He wiped his eyes with his palms. "Boring. Everything's related to feelings." He leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes. "I get to do art though, so that's cool. But otherwise I have to go to groups and talk." He made a gagging noise. He looked around quickly before leaning forward and saying in a hushed tone, "At least I'm not the most fucked up one here, though."

Cas tried to hide a smile. He felt bad for the other patients that had it worse, but he was glad Dean was trying to be positive, in his own way. They talked for a little while longer before a nurse came in and announced visiting hours were over.

Dean frowned. "I have to go. It was great to see you two." He turned to Cas. "Will you come back?"

"Of course," Cas said, surprised at the question. "Want me to come back tomorrow?"

Dean nodded and stood up. "I'll see you guys later." He turned and left, trailing behind the other patients.

As Dean left the room, Sam turned to Cas. "Wow. Schizophrenia, huh?"

Cas frowned. "I had a feeling. Hallucinating isn't really a symptom of depression, or PTSD. Flashbacks and hallucinations are very different."

Sam sighed as they stood up. "He's got a lot of work to do."

"Yeah," Cas agreed sadly.

The next day, Cas left school early as visiting hours started at two. He was searched again before being allowed to enter.

When Dean came in, Cas stood up and they embraced, tighter and longer this time. "I miss you," Dean murmured into his ear.

"I miss you too," Cas said. They broke apart and sat down. "Do they have any idea when they will release you?"

"They're saying three days. I came in on Friday, so... I'll have been here a week."

"That's good. So they think you're doing better?" Cas asked hopefully.

He shrugged. "Yeah. But they want me to do some pretty intense outpatient stuff. Groups like twice a week. Therapist once a week. Psychiatrist once a week, too, at first."

Cas shrugged. "I think it will be good. Are you feeling any better today?"

"Kind of."

Cas smiled. "Good. It's a start, right?"

Dean smiled back weakly. "Right."

The last few days seemed to stretch on forever. Cas did as much research as he could, in-between catching up on schoolwork and studying for finals. On Thursday night, miles apart, they both laid awake in bed. Cas missed having Dean here with him. Sure, he had slept alone plenty of times before he and Dean had gotten together, but now that he knew the comfort and security of lying with Dean every night, he could barely sleep without him. He rolled over onto Dean's pillow, inhaling the scent. Tomorrow...

In the hospital bed, Dean tossed and turned. His new roommate was snoring loudly, and it made him ten times more thankful to be leaving tomorrow. Although, as much as this experience sucked, he felt like he'd learned a lot. But he was also scared, way more scared than he would admit. Ever since they had said that word, and described the symptoms, he realized it was what his father had. And that caused him to be even more terrified that he would end up like him. He had brought this up in therapy, but his therapist had told him no two people with the illness were alike, and that by being there, Dean was showing he wanted treatment, and he wanted to manage it. Dean didn't like that word- manage. It reminded him too much of the fact that there was no cure. He had also asked why, after being abused his entire life, he didn't start having panic attacks and flashbacks until recently. His psychiatrist had said she wasn't sure, but it might have had something to do with his brain stuffing it all down so that Dean could survive- until it had been over. Once he was safe, that's when it all came back to be "processed".

He didn't really understand it, but he figured that's why he wasn't a psychiatrist.

Cas flew up to the hospital in the Impala, arriving thirty minutes early. He anxiously smoked cigarettes in the parking lot until his watch said five of. He snuffed the cigarette out under his boot and hurried inside. Sitting down in the waiting room, he jiggled his leg in anticipation. Finally, the nurse looked over at the door and buzzed it open. Dean stepped out and grinned when he saw Cas. He was wearing what he had been wearing last Friday, with the exception of still wearing the hospital pants. He rushed over and Cas opened his arms for a hug, but Dean grabbed his face and planted a kiss right on his lips. Cas' eyes widened, but he kissed him back, settling his hands on his sides.

The receptionist cleared her throat and Dean pulled back, staring into Cas' eyes. "Hold on." He walked over to the desk and filled out some release papers she had for him to sign. Once he was finished with that, she handed him a manila folder with information about his stay, phone numbers, upcoming appointments, etc. He thanked her and turned to Cas with a grin. "Let's go!"

Cas didn't need to be told twice, following closely behind him. As they walked up to the car, Dean walked around front and slid his hand across her hood. "Did you miss me, baby?"

Cas rolled his eyes, laughing.

Dean looked up at him and smiled. "Can I drive?"

"It's your car." He tossed him the keys and climbed into the passenger seat.

Dean sat in the drivers seat, running his fingers along the wheel. It had probably been two weeks since he actually drove baby himself, and boy did he miss it. He turned the key in the ignition and turned to Cas. "First things first." He slid over, pinning Cas to the door, grinning mischievously. Cas grinned back, and they both leaned in, lips crashing together. Cas opened his mouth and Dean roughly jammed his tongue in. Their tongues tangled for a minute before Dean pulled back. "Jesus christ, I missed you," he breathed.

Cas swallowed. "I missed you too," he said, a little out of breath as well.

"Now, second thing. Do you have a cigarette?"

Cas pulled a pack out of his trench coat. "I got it for you, figured you'd want some fresh ones. I smoked your other pack because it was going to go stale."

Dean ripped the cellophane open and pulled out a cigarette, pulling the car lighter out and lighting it. He took a long drag, before tilting his head back and exhaling slowly. "Ahhhhh. Sweet, sweet nicotine." He reached down and turned on the radio. AC/DC was playing, and he began backing out of the parking spot.

Had to cool me down to take another round
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing
Cause the walls were shaking the earth was quaking

"You ready to go home?" Cas asked excitedly.

My mind was aching
And we were making it
And you shook me all night long

"Fuck yeah," Dean said, as he threw the car in drive and peeled off.

Songs Used: AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long (1980)