Session 25: In Which There Are Bloopers
(and possibly the odd missing scene)
Session 1: In Which Death Sucks.
Carletta: Hello, welcome to the Island's first…only…own… *laughs* What's the damn word I'm looking for?
Sawyer: I dunno but this is why we need autocue.
X-X-X
Sawyer: It's a classic case of her own frustration at her sad past being forced out on others. *sits down where there isn't a chair and falls flat on his bum.*
*Everyone laughs*
Sawyer: *whilst laughing* Ha, ha doc, very funny!
Jack: What makes you think it was me?
Sawyer: 'Cause you're sporting an 'I Did It' badge. Moron.
Jack: I do numerous things throughout the day, Sawyer. How can you possibly associate this badge with one particular thing?
*Short pause.*
Sawyer: Because I know you did it. Bitch.
X-X-X
Carletta: *pre-session* So, I'm dealing with the Lost cast? Well, I have spotted the odd issues with them, but it's nothing I can't handle. It'll take five sessions, maybe ten at a push.
Random producer: Oh, you just wait…They're gonna give you hell.
Carletta: Like I said, it's nothing I can't handle…
*One very manic session later…*
Carletta: IT'S SOMETHING I CAN'T HANDLE!
X-X-X
Charlie: *makes a random face*
Claire: What are you doing?
Charlie: *puts finger on her lips* Sssssshhhhhhhhhh…don't speak. I'm not gonna say anyway…
*Claire bites his finger.*
Charlie: OWWWWW! Fine! I was pulling a face for the bloopers.
Claire: The whoopers?
Charlie: The bloopers.
Claire: The what-ers? Otters? OTHERS?
Charlie: Are you deaf or something?
Claire: What?
Charlie: What?
Claire: Come again?
Charlie: Ugh….Why bother?
*Long pause*
Claire: What? *giggles*
X-X-X
Jack: O.M.G.G. Water is…Oh damn. Did it again! *laughs*
Kate: O.M.G.G?
Jack: It makes sense!
Kate: Right… Oh my God God?
*They lean in together and laugh. The rest of the group look pretty unimpressed.*
TAKE 2
Jack: O.M.G! WATER IS LEAKING FROM HIS EYES! CALL A FAN-AMBULANCE!
Sawyer: WHAT? *roars with laughter*
Jack: It's a fanambulance. *giggles*
Session 2: In Which Ships Are Bashed
Jack: It's obvious, Kate. You're dating Saw-me because Juliet is dating Sawyer…oh.
Kate: Saw-me? Really?
*Sawyer whips out a chain saw*
Sawyer: You got it, Jackie and Freckles.
Carletta: Wanna restart that sentence, Jack?
Jack: Please. Otherwise from the look of things, me and Kate will lose our heads…literally. *whimpers*
X-X-X
Carletta: Now let's dress Sawyer first. *stops, then laughs*
Sawyer: Damn it! Am I naked again?
Carletta: *giggles* I said 'dress' instead of 'address'… I feel like such a moron!
Sawyer: No comment. *grins*
X-X-X
Charlie: Much as I appreciate the elves…DAMN IT!
Claire: Elves? Charlie…have you been watching Elf with Aaron again?
Charlie: NO! NO! NO! Well, maybe.
Sawyer: *points at him* I KNEW IT!
Charlie: I'm going to take that saying and beat you to death with it.
X-X-X
Ben: Oh for Jacoby's sake! I hate the…
Jacob: JACOBY? WHAT?
Ben: IT'S HARD TO SAY JACOB WHEN YOU'RE RANTING, OK? Too many damn consonants.
Man In Black: Then you do not want to attempt saying my name.
X-X-X
Juliet: Oh for *beeps* sake! *walks out of room then slips*
*From out of the room…*
Juliet: DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT! Stupid mother fu –
Sawyer: WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT, POTTY MOUTH!
Ben: Sawyer…I…you…Do you not understand the irony of that?
Sawyer: No, but I do understand the gold-y of that. Dunno what iron has to do with anything.
Ben: And people say you aren't stupid. *shakes head*
X-X-X
Charlie: You utter, utter creep! I so was not! Just because you get your orders from a bush collection, leaves…I'm gonna start that again. It sounded so much better in my head.
Sawyer: Yeah, think of this as proof that you should never, ever speak!
Charlie: …. *lips wobble*
X-X-X
Aaron: Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle…CRAP! Sorry, messed up. My bad.
*Everyone looks stunned.*
Claire: How has my baby made a blooper?
Jack: LOL! Baby blooper! I love it.
Carletta: Seriously? I'm the one who's going to have to point out that your baby just spoke. Ugh…You all are seriously messed up.
Ben: Not to be the voice of reason, but isn't that why you're here?
Carletta: No one likes a smart arse, Ben.
X-X-X
Desmond: Charlie, brotha, you're gonna die.
*Charlie stares at him, and both are dying to laugh.*
Charlie: Really? Is that so?
Desmond: Yep. You'll be sleeping with the fishes. Doing workouts with the sharks…Generally, you know, you'll be dead…Good luck with that.
*They stare each other down until they end up laughing.*
Session 3: In Which Jack Fixes Everything but Himself
*Jack is having a crazy moment, like always.*
Jack: Come on, Mowgli! Get with the beat!
Richard: I find that very offensive. Get out. Get out of my cabin.
Carletta: Oh boy…
X-X-X
Kate: He thinks that by blowing on a damn bomb…Oops, my bad.
Ben: Now that's a new one…blowing on a bomb.
Sawyer: How does that work then, Freckles? *leans forward* Do ya make a wish on it or something? Do tell.
Kate: Shut the hell up. It's one-nil on the major screw ups so far. You'll make a mistake and then I'll laugh my pants off.
Sawyer: Can't wait. *leers* OW! Juliet!
Juliet: That'll teach you not to be a massive pervert. *grins*
X-X-X
Sawyer: Super, Loser and Majalalala…I can't speak. Got a frog in my throat.
Kate: Yeah right! FAIL! *laughs*
Hurley: Don't squash this frog, dude. Please…
*Sawyer just scowls.*
X-X-X
Christian: Don't you see, Jack… *in a high pitched voice* WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Jack: That is the booze talking, Dad. Can't you even come into therapy sober?
Christian: *smiling, clearly drunk* Don't you recognize an Ice Age quote when you see one? GOD! I hate this place!
*Jack looks clearly disturbed and backs away.*
X-X-X
Jack: You died of a FREART ATTACK. *Stops* What is a freart? I dunno…maybe I'm drunk. *laughs* There was a 'friggin' meant to be in there somewhere…
X-X-X
*Jin rocks back and forth on his chair as he sings 'Tomorrow' from Annie, and falls backwards leading to everyone laughing hysterically.*
Jin: *referring to the ceiling.* What a pretty view I have of the dirty ceiling of this dirty cabin. And can I just say…OWWWWWWW! *laughs*
X-X-X
Charlie: ARGH! IT'S HIM! *runs out of room and trips over*
Sawyer: That. Is. Too. Funny! *laughs hysterically.*
Ethan: What? My face? Are you making fun of my face? Or are you just amused by falling hobbits?
*Sawyer finds this too much and buries his head on Juliet's shoulder and cries with laughter.*
Carletta: Can somebody please tell me why falling hobbits is funny?
*The whole room laughs*
X-X-X
Kate: …he thinks by blowing on a damn bomb he will… DAMN IT! Said it again.
Sawyer: Nice going, Velma. Starting to think there'll be a birthday bomb in season five.
Kate: SHUT. UP. YOU!
Sawyer: *extremely sarcastically* Ooh…burn.
X-X-X
Jack: Well, it all started when my mom – dad …
Richard: What is this…momdad? *scrutinizes Jack* I see you have much to teach us. *bows*
Jack: I made a mistake, you…you…PILLOW!
Sawyer: Yeah, 'cause we all know Jack's a secret momdad himself. He likes playing Mr Mommy.
Jack: Look, I FOUND those dolls, so you can't…
Sawyer: *interrupting with a look of delight* Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I was just taking the piss but you…you're actually admitting you play with dolls? HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Jack: Look –
Sawyer: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Jack: You're not…
Sawyer: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Jack: *scowling* You're so mean. I hate you.
Sawyer: In all seriousness…that was pretty damn hilarious, so don't expect peace for the next however many sessions.
Session 4: In Which Family Trees Grow
Charlie: To answer your question, Kate and Sawyer are 'canoodling', Jack's talking to Sayid about a very cunning plan and Locke's either hunting, talking to the sand...no, trees...no, island...I dunno. *shrugs*
Jin: *to Sun* How did Kate and Sawyer end up with a canoe?
Sun: Huh?
Jin: The hobbit one said something about canoodling?
Sun: Oh, he means they're screwing.
Jin: What? They're building things?
Sun: No…they're banging.
Jin: What, with hammers?
Sun: *frustrated* THEY'RE HAVING SEX!
*Everyone turns to stare at them, Charlie hiding a smirk.*
Jin: Oh…Ew.
X-X-X
Ben: I can answer all these questions just as shoon as I… *stops*
Carletta: *with a smirk* Shoon? This counselling session doesn't tolerate failure, Mr Linus.
Boone: OOH! OOH! OOH! SHOONE! THAT'S US, SHAN! *falls down with excitement*
Ben: ?
Ben: Why am I here? I'm not insane enough to be amongst the insane. WHY AM I THE FIRST TO BE DRIVEN MAD BY THIS INSANE LOT?
*Goes, predictably, insane.*
Sawyer: Now there's something you don't see every day – an evil genius going mad. *rolls eyes.*
X-X-X
Juliet: Where in God's name did you go? I sear your sweet… *coughs* I swear your sear was empty a minute ago. Damn. *giggles* 'I sear your sweet?' What am I on?
Ben: Only the love of a good man… *bats eyes*
Juliet: ARGH! *falls over* MY EYES! MY EYES!
Sawyer: …..Ha!
Session 5: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names
*Everyone is bouncing on a giant bed which has randomly appeared.*
Charlie: BOUNCING ON THE BED! WHOOPEEEEE!
Desmond: I CAN FLY!
*He does a spectacular leap and crashes through the wall of the cabin and gets lodged there.*
Desmond: Alas. My night vision of me flying was a lie. *begins to cry* WHYYYYYY?
Jack: A 'night vision'? I know I'm not exactly Professor Intelligence…
Sawyer: I'll vouch for that! *grins*
Jack: …but I'm pretty sure that's called a dream.
Desmond: So I won't be chased by glittery pink ponies underneath a night rainbow and be reunited with Penny as we lovingly pet gold and silver puppies? Damn…
X-X-X
Charlie: Munchkinrunt… Oops. *laughs*
Sawyer: Going for the ol' 'saying them all at once' tactic? Or did you just, as usual, screw up what you meant to say?
Charlie: The first one. Sawyer called me MunchkinruntJiminynapper. That is my name, apparently. *laughs*
MunchkinruntJiminynapper: Damn it! I told you, someone would already be named that. But no…you said it would be so out there, so unique that no one else would think of it!
Munchkinlimeylittlecricket: My bad…
Carletta: These sessions just get more and more screwed up each week.
X-X-X
Dr Evil: I'm ev-ile. *gasps* Wow.
Ben: What? What is it now Dr Lameass?
Dr Evil: Did I just get my very own blooper?
*Everyone wearily nods.*
Dr Evil: Cool! Do you mean I actually get my own frickin' line with my very own frickin' blooper attached to its frickin' end?
Sawyer: It's not that exciting, Saruman. How about calming down there a little?
Dr Evil: *wheels over to Sawyer* How 'bout no? You crazy Southern bastard.
X-X-X
Hurley: Don't forget I whipped your white ass…What's that noise?
*The earth finally crumbles around Hurley and he falls through the floor. Sawyer chokes with laughter and, as Juliet hastily rushes to pat his back, he knocks into Jack, who knocks into Kate, and it's the domino effect. The only one unaffected is insane guest Dr Evil who is dealing with a possessed chair.*
Carletta: Oi vey. [Translation – What am I doing with this stupid, hopeless, insane bunch of people?]
Session 6: In Which There Are Others
*Pre-session.*
Ben: What happened? How did you get up there?
*We pan up and see Richard is hovering up by the ceiling.*
Richard: I'm not sure…I think it all started when SOMEBODY asked what it would be like to drink helium. Now I'm stuck.
Mikhail: Ha, ha! *giggles like a girl* I'm just hilarious.
Ben: You idiot! Go fetch me the problem stick – this could be tricky.
Richard: Ooh this sensation is funny. It tickles in all the wrong ways.
Ben: *sigh* This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so fat, Alpert.
Richard: Oi!
X-X-X
Carletta: QUIIIIIEEEEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*Sawyer walks up to camera and stares into it.*
Sawyer: Yeah, that's right. You've just witnessed an extended scene of the most pointless moment ever. You just wasted thirty seconds of your life reading that. You'll never get those seconds back. If I were you…I'd sue. Sue them good…whoever 'they' are.
*Juliet chucks a shoe at him and he falls to the ground.*
Juliet: James! Stop being an ass!
X-X-X
Jack: What do you mean "trying?"
*Kate stares at him.*
Jack: What?
*Kate continues staring.*
Jack: Have I got something on my face?
Kate: No… *laughs and then kisses Jack's nose.*
Jack: Ok… *giggles like a girl* Ooh, that tickled.
Sawyer: *in background* SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!
Juliet: *also in background* JAMES! PUT A CORK IN IT!
*We hear the sounds of Sawyer having a cork being shoved into his mouth. Ha.*
X-X-X
Tom: Enough of the glay jokes ok? Glay…Glay…Gay. *coughs*
Jack: I'm sorry; did you want some ice cream?
Tom: Is that a joke about my sexuality? Are you inferring that because I'm gay I have a secret affliction with ice cream? Is that it? Huh? Nah, just kidding, you're alright…
Jack: I don't understand any of the words you just said.
X-X-X
Ethan: I have an issue I'd like to raise and it's to do with that guy there…Wait. Where'd he go?
*He notices a box in the middle of the room. The sounds of quiet snickering can be heard from it.*
Ethan: Oh, gee. I wonder where Charlie went. He must've left. *rolls eyes* And look…there's a box in the middle of the room. If only he was here to help me open it.
Charlie: *popping out the box.* BOO! *giggles*
Ethan: *EXTREMELY sarcastic* Gee, you *almost* gave me a heart attack.
Charlie: It was really hard not to laugh in there…
Session 7: In Which Charlie Just Says No
Jack: NOW HOLD ON A LOCKE KILLING MINUETTE! You're lumping me in…
Sawyer: Made a mistake…
Jack: You're lumping me in with…
Sawyer: You fail on epic proportions…
Jack: SHUT UP! YOU'RE SPOILING MY EPIC LINE!
Sawyer: Ha – fail.
Session 8: In Which Juliet Swings Both Ways
Locke: Time to become an island hero…
*He stands on a table and we suddenly hear a massive ripping sound coming from his trousers.*
*Locke sits quietly back down.*
Locke: Maybe in a little bit…
X-X-X
Claire: No, it's called Pregnant Women Never Give Birth On The Island When They Need To. Or something like that… *giggles* Oh dear…
Ana: Honestly, have you no self control?
Claire: *glares at her* You're about three years late on the lecture. Is that right? *Leans over and whispers in Kate's ear.* YEAH, THREE YEEEARRRS!
Ana: Lol.
X-X-X
Ana: Tum-te-tum-tum.
Charlie: WTF?
Ana: Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language.
Charlie: That WOULD make sense…if I was blind and could only communicate in 'tums'.
Ana: There was a 'te' in there too…
Charlie: What are you doing?
Ana: Dude, stop snorting and chill. Thought we were having a moment.
Charlie: *turns to camera* If you think this is the most WTF moment ever, go to www dot Carletta's counselling session dot com and vote for it now. Otherwise, just vote for any of Jack's moments.
Carletta: Not a real site, I have to add.
Author: WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME THOUGH?
Everyone else: WTF?
Ben: Mommy?
X-X-X
Sawyer: Holy Chow Mein! It's Chicken Cricket! *pauses* Or is it the other way round?
Kate: YE-ES! Not screwed up yet!
Sawyer: You screwed me whilst in love with the doc – that's a major screw up full stop.
*Everyone gasps, stunned by the remark.*
Sawyer: *sarcastically* Oh, what? Too soon?
X-X-X
Kate: You could be…erm…Middlies? Not even on the plane-ies? Blondie who tries to steal Kate's man-ies? Ben's obsession-ies? Blondie we love to hate than like than hate than love-ies? Person who fell down a hole –ies? Woman who can't decide what man she wants-ies?
Juliet: No, I think you own that last category all by yourself.
Sawyer, Jack: BURN!
Session 10: In Which We Unlock Locke
Ben: I'll kill you like a dog on the street.
Locke: WOOF! WOOF! BANG! *proceeds to howl like a dying dog*
*Ben stares confusedly at Locke, before caving in and bursting out with laughter.*
Ben: This is so screwed up!
Carletta: *flatly* Welcome to my world.
X-X-X
Carletta: Well, I was going to dedicate the next session to the freimer…blah, blah, blah. *shakes head* Brr… Ok start again.
TAKE TWO.
Carletta: Well, I was going to ded-d-dicate… *laughs* I can't speak!
TAKE ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE.
Carletta: Well, I was going to dedicate the next shession… DAMN IT! Why can't I say that?
Ben: Because you fail?
*Carletta chucks her shoe at Ben – it misses and knocks out Hurley instead, who seems to fall in slow motion.*
Carletta: Oops…
X-X-X
*Post-session.*
Hurley: I want to write a letter of complaint about being hit by a shoe. How do I word it though?
Ben: Read what you've put so far…
Hurley: 'Dear InjuryLawyers4U…'
Ben: No! That sounds far too creepy. Try 'Darling fascist bullyboy.' *watches Hurley write it down* Now, what do you want me to say?
Hurley: Well, basically, I want to apply for compensation after suffering a grievous injury at work but I know there's gotta be a better way of wording it than that.
Ben: You disgust me with your sycophantic-ness. Let me edit it…
*Ben proceeds to edit the letter with fury.*
Hurley: What does it say now?
Ben: 'Darling Fascist Bullyboys. Give me some money you bastards. If you don't, I will crush you. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman.
Hurley: That sounds a bit strong…
Ben: Yeah, but Hurley, people like that respect strength.
*Hurley looks blank…as usual.*
Session 12: In Which Smokey Smokes On In
Charlie: ARGH! THE SMOKE MONSTEEEERR!
Ethan: Well, that makes a change from hearing argh! It's Charlie all the time.
*Everyone sniggers*
Ethan: WHAT? *snarls at Libby*
Charlie: *whistling innocently* Nothing…Just didn't know I had a habit of being frightened of myself. *roars with laughter*
Ethan: *sourly* Oh you are just the worst type of person…
X-X-X
Kate: ...their whispers are their voices. *clears throat* Wrong way round.
Sawyer: WOOOOO! YOU SCREWED UP!
Kate: Sexist pig.
Sawyer: Bitch.
Kate: Jerk.
Sawyer: Selfish witch.
Kate: Stupid moron.
Sawyer: I love you.
Kate: Love you too!
*They proceed to make out. Juliet just growls and sulks in her seat. Jack just opens and shuts his mouth like a goldfish.*
X-X-X
Hurley: RANDOOOOOM DANCCCCIIINNGG!
*He proceeds to dance with Charlie and the two of them bop bums – a little too hard.*
Charlie, Hurley: OW! OW! OW! OW!
X-X-X
Smokey: WOOOOOO!
Carletta: What was that?
Smokey: I was being a ghost. Was that not clear?
Session 16: In Which It's the Freighter Folk
Carletta: Oh yeah…happy belated Christmas everyone!
*Charlie bursts into tears and then runs out of room. He slips and skids, sliding all the way into the middle of another session.*
Ross: …and then I said we were on a break, which we were…
*Everyone stares at Charlie.*
Carlotta: Who are you?
Charlie: I'm Charlie? From Lost? Which session is this?
Chandler: Could you be any dumber? This is the FRIENDS counselling session.
Charlie: Coooooool. Anyway….gonna leave ya to it.
*He flees the room.*
Phoebe: Did anyone else find him really cute? I'm gonna write a song about him.
X-X-X
*Daniel and Miles start dancing as Blink 182's All The Small Things comes floating through the air.*
Carletta: *agog* What are you doing?
Miles: BONDING! WOOOOO!
Carletta: This wasn't part of the session! HOW DARE YOU ACT OUT OF CHARACTER!
Sawyer: *to Jack* Er, has she not seen our behaviour the last 15 sessions?
Jack: Evidently not.
*They glance at each other, briefly grin, before remembering they're supposed to hate each other and start bitch slapping each other….because they're just that manly.*
X-X-X
Daniel: I should've warned you though that once time is reset, there will be some, er, slide effects. *laughs* I meant side effects.
*Kate and Sawyer are halfway up a slide when he corrects himself.*
Kate: What? So all this time and effort it took us to climb three steps of this slide was for nothing?
Daniel: Er…yes?
Kate, Sawyer: Awwww.
*They climb back down, disappointed*
Carletta: *censored comment.*
X-X-X
Ana: This isn't a marriage! This is the world's worst hangover.
*Gets tackled by a random brunette.*
Rachel: THAT'S MY LINE, BITCH!
Sawyer: So hot…
Joey: Dude, I agree! Let's throw some Gello on them!
*Sawyer goes to agree but then turns round slowly to see a strange man sitting where Jack should've been.*
Sawyer: Who are you?
Joey: A better looking version of you.
Sawyer: WHAT?
Joey: Naw, just kidding. I'm Joey. *stares at Juliet* How you doin'?
Sawyer: Why you -?
*He proceeds to tackle Joey to the ground.*
Carletta: Yep, you've actually just witnessed a crossover, with so many copyrighted characters and quotes I wouldn't blame you if you sued. But don't. *pulls cute face*
Session 17: In Which Kate Runs and Runs and Runs…
Jack: WE'RE BLACK, BABY! *blushes* Oops…I meant to say 'back'.
Michael: RACIST ASS! *scowls* Don't diss the 'hood.
Sayid: You said it bro! *bumps fists with Michael.*
Walt: DAAAAAAAAAAD! You embarrass me.
X-X-X
Desmond: I'll drink to that box man. *drinks and leans back until he falls off.* Oopsy…. *giggles like a girl*
X-X-X
Jack: I thought it was a gruel…a cruella… LEAF PLANE!
Sawyer: *singing and swaying.* I'm in love with a jackass who can't speak…
Juliet: Er…what?
Sawyer: What?
Charlie: I KNEWWWW IT!
X-X-X
Boone: Could've done. I've had a lot of free time as you know and I've thought about this carefully and I have an interesting theory. Has anyone actually considered that you guys are on a continuous loop? Think about it. We crash on the island and live there for a bit and then sooner or later we leave, come back then try to reset time. Once you've reset time, we'll re-crash and the cycle begins again. HA! I got a whole minute of talking in without being interrupted…. *pants* Man! That was such a big speech and….and… *faints from exhaustion.*
Charlie: Lol.
X-X-X
Jack: It just circles back to the whole Kate – Sawyer – Jack – Juliet – Desmond – Carletta – Ana – Hurley – Libby- Michael – Charlie – Claire – Nikki – Paulo – Boone – Shannon – Sayid – Mr Eko – Ben – Goodwin – Ethan nonsense.
Carletta: Ok, a) how did I end up in there? And b) why have you named the entire cast in that little speech of yours?
Jack: Meh, I dunno. It just seems like we've all had relations with each other at some point. Lost, it's all about the fling things.
Carletta: Now that's an advert to watch it if ever I heard one.
Session 22: In Which Plot Holes Devour Lost
Ben: Damn… *starts to choke*
Mikhail: Master! Don't choke! *rushes over to Ben and attempts to administer the kiss of life.*
Ben: DU-UDE! I just had a momentary cough! *pushes him away* I don't think we should see each other any more. And since when did you start acting like Gollum?
Mikhail: PRECIOUS! PRECIOUS!
Ben: Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
X-X-X
Juliet: *all in one breath* Walt was Michael's kid who didn't like him first… *starts again* Walt was Michael's kid who didn't like him at first and hung around Gollum… DAMN YOU BEN!
Ben: What did I do now? God, women! Such a pain in the ass.
Juliet: You always spoil everything. Sawyer – kill him!
Sawyer: What am I, your evil minion?
X-X-X
Carletta: We can discuss the wave of Facebook crime later…
Jack: Quick! She said Facebook! Everybody log on in – let's mess with the system!
Carletta: *confused* What?
*Everyone logs onto Facebook at the exact time, causing it all to collapse thus destroying it forever. If you want to change that, I suggest you find yourself a hydrogen bomb.*
Session 23: In Which Hurley Loses Weight (Ha, ha, just kidding!)
Sawyer: My fort? I don't have a fort. That would be cool if I did. I WANT A FART!
*Everyone nervously giggles.*
Sawyer: Oh…real mature, everyone! I hate you all! *sulks*
X-X-X
Jack: I've decided to become a badass! *cue thunder and lightning* Cool!
*The lightning randomly strikes him.*
Mysterious voice: That's for being something you're not! Oh, and for your various crying episodes. Man up.
Kate: NO! TAKE ME INSTEAD!
Mysterious voice: Hm, ok! *strikes Kate*
Kate: Ooh! That tickles. Ha, ha! Stop it! Ha, ha! *giggles*
*Mysterious voice implodes.*
X-X-X
Ana: Bigger than us too.
*Ana and Sawyer attempt to high five, miss, and fall off their seats. Immediately, they rise to their feet and dust themselves off.*
Sawyer: Nothing happened.
Ana: Absolutely not.
Sawyer: If you think you saw us fall, you're mistaken!
Ana: Very much so.
Sawyer: We didn't fall…we just thought the floor needed a hug.
Charlie: Some-body's in den-ial.
X-X-X
Ben: You ask us to be Shane…no sane.
Carletta: Wow. You're all screwing up. There must be something in the water.
Locke: CALIFORNIA GIRLS WE'RE UNFORGETTABLE, DAISY DUKES, BIKINIS ON TOP!
*Everyone shuffles backwards on their chairs in alarm.*
X-X-X
*Jack pulls a face*
Charlie: Well…that accomplished a lot.
Jack: Yes, it diddddd.
*Charlie taps Jack's head.*
Charlie: SLEEP!
*Jack obeys.*
Charlie: When you wake up, you will have better diction. AWAKE!
X-X-X
Hurley: Well, if you had the common decency, to go out and get yourself a proper Dobby… *laughs* I said Dobby.
Boone: LOL! Harry Potter reference FTW!
Dobby: Master called, sir?
Carletta: Oh boy… All I want for Christmas is for us to go a session without saying something which will make us end up in court. *sobs into hands*
X-X-X
Sun: *yawns*
Jin: *pops finger into her mouth* YAWN RAPE!
Sun: Jin? What hell?
Charlie: Ooh that looks fun! I'll try it! *spies Claire* Honey?
Claire: Yes…honey?
*Charlie shoves finger into her mouth, causing her to choke.*
Charlie: YAWN RAPE!
Session 24: In Which There Are Others 2
Charlie: Yay, male bonding time!
Jack: Yes…that's why I brought you out here…not to do anything else. *shifty eyes*
Charlie: You're not here to ravage me are you? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE? WHY AM I THE FIRST TO GO?
Jack: Relax… *sighs* I saw this video on the Tube of You and needed to emulate it. I'M TAKING A HOBBIT TO ISENGARD! I'M TAKING A HOBBIT TO ISENGARD!
*Long pause.*
Charlie: Oh, you just plainly suck.
X-X-X
Sun: KUNG FU SUN! *knocks herself out as she hits her head against a chair.* Ugh…Mummy, will you hold me?
Jin: Wimp.
X-X-X
Carletta: PEOPLE NEED THE CHAIRS! *pants*
Sawyer: Jeez, don't make a song and dance about it…
Carletta: *to tune of California Girls* California chairs, we need them in one piece, stop hogging them, Jack, you greedy goldfish.
Sawyer: …Ok, you did. That's just disturbing.
X-X-X
Carletta: GUYS! Why are you carrying Charlie off?
Sawyer, Jack, Sayid: We're taking the hobbit to Isengard! We're taking the hobbit to Isengard!
Carletta: *sighs* I had to ask didn't I?
A/n: Sorry guys for not uploading sooner! Big news – I passed my A-Level results and got into Uni! That's why I've not updated in like…*checks watch* forever! This was a bitch to write. Seriously. I didn't end up doing all the sessions. Why did I think this was a good idea to write? But hope you like it! If you don't get the hobbit to Isengard joke, go check out on the tube of you (YouTube) lol. Then you'll understand all…
If you want to check out another funny story as I update this, check out LostInLost18's story "LostBook" where the Losties have Facebook, it's well worth a read. Thank you for the reviews, you guys are seriously awesome. Seriously!