One of Us – Chapter 25 – Absolution
Previously – Kate is baring her soul to Rick. Trying to explain how they hurt each other and seeking his forgiveness for her past actions.
Disclaimer – even in my wildest dreams I don't own Castle or any of the characters. If I did, you'd see way more than primetime TV allows!
All the other legal stuff applies too.
Bellevue Intensive Care Unit, Sunday 1.40 pm
Kate releases Rick's hand to take another drink of water. And uses the opportunity to break eye contact if only briefly.
This is much more intense that she ever imagined. This is compounded by Rick's comparative silence and lack of feedback. He seems supportive, understanding. No signs of anger. But he hasn't said much at all. She can't but help wonder if this was the best time to do this. But time to screw her courage to the sticking post and finish her confession.
She once again swaps the front sheet to the back and taking his hand resumes.
"The time after the shooting was such a struggle. I don't think I'll ever share – even with you – all the hell I went through. I was responsible for a lot of that because I refused to seek help from those who would have freely offered it. So stubborn, I only let my dad assist at the beginning and even then I banished him as soon as I was capable of being self-sufficient. I didn't leave the cabin except for medical appointments. My dad bought supplies and checked up on me. He gave me hell several times for not contacting my friends, especially you.
I know I should have at the very least called but every time I tried to pick up the phone I was so afraid of what I might hear or not. And every time I didn't call made it worse the next time I wanted to. In the end I returned to city after three months not because I was ready for everything but because I passed the physical and mental reviews and the NYPD wound back my insurance and benefits. To be honest, I wasn't ready, but it forced me to start to confront some of my demons. I don't know how long I would have hidden out if I hadn't had to go back.
"Although it was a reluctant return, when I came back at least I knew what I wanted to try for. You. I tried to tell you as much that day on the swings. I guess I failed to make myself clear enough. God we were so useless at being honest with each other, ourselves.
"The therapy was hard and a lot longer than I expected. I surprised myself by going beyond the mandatory sessions. The PTSD contributed to that. But it helped a lot and the eventually I began to get better. Better so I could be with you.
"All while we investigated costumed vigilantes, headless victims, ghosts, banks and bombs, tigers, the CIA and traitorous muses, more bombs, and zombies. It was like every single one of your crazy theories coming true."
She takes a chance and rolls her eyes and is rewarded by a twinkle in his eyes and a smile that stretches upwards and animates his face, and reaches the laughter lines around those eyes.
"At least we didn't have other relationships to complicate matters. Probably a good thing because we made it complicated enough. For smart people, we sure sucked at communicating. We still danced around each other. We certainly we not helped by other parties, who often seemed to block or interrupt us just we one or both of us might have finally had the courage to express our feelings.
Rick can't but help smirk gently as the phrase 'cock-block' springs to mind as he remembers several less than timely interruptions by Esposito or Ryan. He also remembers a certain British cop with a terrible accent, the hot insurance investigator, and the lie. He's surprised by that. He thought he had moved past that. Forgiven her. He had, hadn't he?
"I was so close to kissing you in the bank before Martha interrupted. I love your mother Rick but her timing was so terrible that day. But this summed up our year. Slowly inching towards something before my lies and our terrible inability to be honest came unravelled from the bombing.
"Then just when we were making progress towards together my mom's case returned. And I went straight down the rabbit hole. This one time we were finally honest with each other, well certainly you were. Much more than me. You told me you loved me, and I still didn't respond appropriately.
"Once again we separated and I was clearly at fault. I was so angry at your choice to walk away. I thought you were betraying me. At the time I didn't understand it my own self-betrayal that was denying me a shot at happiness with you.
"I didn't respect myself, didn't protect my partners, or honor the job and the law. It took another near death experience to knock the stupid out of me and wake me up to losing the best thing in my life."
She's crying now. Hot wet tears of guilt, happiness, and adoration open on her cheeks.
"I will never be able to express how much it meant for you to let me in that night and to love me. I didn't deserve that, I sometimes feel I don't.
"The last six months have been my happiest since I was nineteen. Since my mom.
"Somehow we've found our feet and kept going. How we managed to keep us from going public for so long I have no idea. Thank you for doing that for me. But I am not afraid and certainly not ashamed of our relationship. Do you remember me telling you yesterday that we're fully public now? Press releases, photos the works.
"Lanie knew the moment she saw me. Her interrogation was merciless. I'm afraid you have no secrets left as far as Lanie is concerned." Kate is almost shrugging her shoulders as if to say, 'well what choice did I have?'
"Martha was of course adamant she was responsible somehow and Alexis came around eventually. It was fun teasing the boys, especially using Lanie to help as well. And they're meant to be detectives. Then when my Dad guessed and punk'd you about living in sin, God that was good. I hadn't see him so happy for years. Then when you got him back with the fake pregnancy."
She's smiling now. The big toothy grin, just like the ones he's seen in the scrap books. Totally unguarded, honest.
"I'm glad we didn't try and fake date anyone else to hide us – God that was a really bad idea to even contemplate doing that. You turned down that reporter, and you refused to let Meredith stay at the loft the when she was visiting Alexis. Oh God, her face when she realised we were serious. I'm surprise she never leaked our story in revenge."
"Alexis stopped her. Caught Meredith on the phone to her publicist. Threatened to excommunicate her own mom if she told. Of course, I don't actually know any of this." Rick's voice surprises her.
"Martha?" Kate asks by way of confirmation. He nods.
"Rick, I have never gone further in a relationship than I have with you. Not even close. Will was the only relationship where I even had a conversation about living together, and we never moved in, just swapped keys and kept a few clothes at each other's place. With Josh, whilst we exchanged keys that was more a practicality due to our hours than a sign of commitment. There was never a conversation about living together except towards the end and it was all single-sided on his behalf.
"I never went further with anyone. No one else has ever given me the reasons to. The desire to. The need to." She pauses, seemingly frustrated with herself.
"I need to make this next point absolutely clear."
She pauses and letting the papers fall to her lap she places her right hand on his cheek, and reverently strokes at the contrasting skin and stubble.
"No one else has ever been in a position to contemplate forever with me. No man has ever got close enough to be entitled to offer me an engagement ring. To plan a lifetime together. To contemplate bringing new life from our union. I have never had the conversation with any man. Except you."
Her voice stills and for a long moment Rick visualises a younger Kate Beckett opposite him. Still full of dreams and hope and a vision of forever with her One.
"Despite of similarities and working well in many facets of our lives, I think I understood instinctively that Will wouldn't be the one. He was the only person since Royce, and before you, who knew more than a snippet of my past. But unlike you and Royce, I believe Will still saw me in part as a victim, and this more than anything else meant I would never fully trust him or give myself to him. Being independent and not dependent on others was one of my props I first developed to protect myself. But it became more than that. It became an intrinsic part of who I am. You and Royce, are the only two men who didn't treat me as a victim. Sure you supported me when I let you and sometimes when I didn't, but you left me my independence and didn't judge me or try to reshape me.
"Josh, well he never really knew me. Early on he hit my walls, bounced and never seriously tried again. Settled for what he thought was enough. It never was. Not for me. Towards the end of the relationship before the shooting, when we both knew that we were drifting towards an ending – but we never talked or acknowledged it – he tried single-handedly to raise the prospect of a future together. Talk of moving in, and hinting at rings. But I did what I did so well, ran and hid, and I guess I thought he was getting the message before the shooting.
"Then that day in the hospital. After I sent you away. Josh came to see me. He blamed you despite my explanation and insistence that it wasn't your fault. He demanded you gone. He had always had issues with our friendship, especially outside of work despite my word that we doing nothing more.
"After all that and ignoring anything I tried to say, he tried to raise the issue of moving in and longer term, possibly even marriage. God he was dense. Josh was the only one to even try, and I shut it down before he even got a fraction of the word out of his mouth. It was the final confirmation of the end of our doomed relationship. He really knew so little about me, and yet he wanted to raise the topic of marriage. Of a life time commitment. He didn't know me. He didn't know I was a 'one and done' person and he was definitely not it.
"Fortunately my dad arrived for a visit and pretty much threw him out.
"We only spoke twice more after that. The first was the same evening when he tried to come back. To apologize I think, but he certainly didn't sound like he meant. Regardless of whether he did or nor, I refused it and told him we were over. The second was just before I left hospital when he returned my key. Lanie had collected his stuff and his key from my place, and returned them to him on my behalf but Josh decided to turn up and deliver mine personally. He told me that you were bad for me, dangerous, that you didn't love me, were only some rich playboy.
"I told him I knew you. The real you. I didn't – don't - care about your money. Although we will be having words about that sometime soon.
"I just want you."
"I told you this once before, on that night not so long ago. Just You. Always You. You."
She's in his space, leaning in and peppering his face with kisses.
"I used to dream of us a lot. Together. On a date, at the Hamptons, in bed, not in bed. I don't so much anymore. Well maybe the odd daydream. I have plenty of physical evidence to fuel my dreams."
She pauses after that correction and she smirks, her eyebrows raising in conjunction with dirty smile. It is quite salacious and the recipient can feel himself respond.
Well that's a relief. Something down there is working. Another thing to help him rest easier, although he'll want a thorough workout before he's completely satisfied.
Kate looks at him quizzically, and smirks again, almost as if she knows what he is thinking. She starts speaking again, and Rick forces himself to concentrate.
"What I dream of now is different. But better. Much better! It does vary but I see us together and I see one or more children. There is always one constant aside from us. The same one child. Always a young girl with blue green eyes and flowing chestnut locks. We're at the Hamptons or Central Park or ice skating, or at home. She calls me Mama and you Dad. More of Us. Ours.
Rick lets the surprise show on his face. Although they had covered the topic of children just a week or so ago, he hadn't ever dreamed or dared to think that Kate had put so much consideration, thought and desire into children. Their children. Children with him.
"Ours?" Whoops that slipped out.
"Rick, most of my fears, the foundations of my wall were built around my fears of abandonment. After almost five years, I know you. I trust you implicitly. Like no one else since my mother. You are the one that always comes back, who stays. Always.
"Rick, I am ready for the next step. I want to make it. Take it with you. Only you."
His eyes light at this, and the sheer joy that her words evoke is written everywhere on his face.
"But you are not ready."
His eyes go wide, well wider given the amount of information he had already received today. She can sense the disappointment instantly pooling within him. The uncertainty and meaning of her words, and the fear she now knows that being anything less than unequivocal can provoke from within his own insecurities and fears. Perhaps she had never truly understood until today how much he hid beyond the exterior that the public and even good acquaintances' saw.
She doesn't give him time. Kate is up from the seat and moving even closer to him. It breaks their eye contact but for the moment Kate doesn't care. Her own eyes are still luminous and yet there is a distinct darkening of the pupils, she almost purrs as her mouth approaches his ear. It is her best bedroom voice.
''No Rick, I need you to be back in top physical shape. Because when you ask me THE question, and I give you THE answer, we are going to have the best, mind-blowing engagement sex. Ever! Because we will only do this once and never need to again."
She doesn't say 'One and Done' but she doesn't need to, as she observes her writer's head firmly nod in acknowledgement. She steps back slightly so she can once more see his face and more crucially his eyes.
She is in time. Time to see the writer's own eyes dilate and still darkening amidst the swift return of the joy she had just evoked and so nearly, so frightening easily, shattered. He licks his lips, and the words that come from those lips are pure Castle. His voice is deep, the resonance and timbre of a storyteller. She may have confessed many things today but she'll never confess just how much that voice undoes her or how complete the seduction is. She suspects he knows but a girl needs secrets and this is one she can pretend to keep and not risk anything in their relationship. There is so much encompassed by his words. So much more meaning layered in even a simple sentence from him. His desire, carnal lust, humour, commitment, challenge, certainty, comfort, and love.
"So when can I start rehab?"
She starts at the words, and at the same time as a huge smiles breaks on her face, she can barely hold in the guffaw. She knows what to expect from him, but even so the simplest of sentences with the most innocent of meaning for most so exemplifies her writer man.
Somehow fighting back the laughter, she swiftly closes the distance to the man, and seizing his face with both hands, pushes his oxygen mask aside with her nose, and kisses him so soundly that it triggers one of the monitors.
They break apart both laughing.
"We keep this to ourselves?" Rick asks. Like the events of May, they will try and keep another significant step in their lives secret at least for a while. Unsaid it is the inevitability of the public disclosure, paparazzi, Page 6 and the fans.
Kate nods. "I suspect our door guardian out there may have more than a clue about what is going on, but she'll keep a secret. I think Martha suspects too, and whilst I don't think Alexis does yet, I know she expects us to at some point. But outside of them, I think it will be safe until it is time to share."
Author's Note –Thank you for all the reviews, feedback and messages.
This chapter is the third part of three that cover Kate's confessional to Rick. We're not quite done yet as the strangely quiet author will have his own say in the next chapter.
Just to clarify this is an AU story. It is set six months into their relationship and so Season 5 beyond The Final Frontier (E06) hasn't happened. Also there was no return of Tyson (E05 – Probable Cause).
They didn't try and fake date anyone (E02) although it was suggested and discarded as a bad idea. Also Rick (my version is quite a bit more self-aware and sensible) refused to let Meredith stay at the loft when she tried to visit Alexis after she and Martha returned from Europe but before she left for college.
Thank you for your ongoing interest and support.