Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

(A three-way swordfight ensues between Jack, Will, and Norrington on the beach)

Elizabeth: Stop it! You're making me look bad!

(the men shout at each other as they fight)

Elizabeth: Jack!

Jack: If you want, I'll stab you later, okay? I'm kind of busy here, woman.

Will (to Elizabeth): Guard the chest.

Elizabeth: No!

(men continue fighting)

Elizabeth (following them as they duel): This is barbaric! This is no way for grown men to settle—! Oh! Fine! Let's just—pull out our swords and start banging away at each other! This will solve everything! I've had it! I've had enough! Wobbly-legged, rum-soaked…pirates! WHY AM I YELLING SO MUCH THAT MY VOICE IS STRAINING?! (tries throwing rocks at them)

Pintel (to Ragetti): How'd this go all screwy?

Elizabeth (in background, shouting to duelists): I know I'm cute, but am I really worth killing over?! (to herself) Oh, wait, yes I am. (to them) Keep at it boys! You're making me look good!

Ragetti: Well, each one wants the chest for himself, you see? Mr. Norrington, I think he knows he's small in the pants, and he knows that everybody knows that, so he wants the chest so he can regain his honor. Old Jack is looking to trade it and save his own skin. And Turner there, I figure he's trying to settle some unresolved business twixt him and his twice-cursed pirate father.

Pintel: Sad. (looks at chest) You know, that chest must be worth more than a shiny penny,

Ragetti: Does it really matter how shiny it is? It's only a cent, Brain. Either way, though, that chest is terrible temptation.

Pintel: Exactly. (turns to Ragetti) Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Ragetti: I think so, Brain, but the Canadians don't really need another territory, do they?

Pintel: No, Pinky. Temptation. If we were any kind of decent, we'd remove it from their path.

Ragetti: The chest?

Pintel: Yes, Pinky. The oceans cover seventy percent of this planet, and he who controls the heart inside that chest controls the oceans. Therefore, he who controls the chest…controls seventy percent OF THE WORLD.

Ragetti: Zort.

(they run off to steal the chest)

Elizabeth (watching the others fight): Wow. There is a lot of testosterone at work right now. To misquote Sally Field, "They like me! They really, really like me!" (sees another rock, with writing on it) Hello, what's this? (picks up rock, reads it) "If you're reading this rock, please use it to bop yourself on the head. Why? Because everyone will laugh when you fall unconscious. Hahahahahaha." (shrugs) Well, I don't see why not. (bops herself on the head with it)

(Pintel and Ragetti, being mice, cannot carry the chest, so they are driving a vehicle something like a miniaturized moon car across the sands of the beach, with the chest on a platform)

Ragetti: Faster, Brain, faster! Weeee! This is fun! (sees Elizabeth lying on beach as they zoom past her) Oh no! Brain! Dot's unconscious!

Pintel: That's okay; more consciousness for us, then.

Ragetti: We should help her!

Pintel: Would you please stop being so selfless? It sickens me.

Ragetti (threatening): If we don't help her, I'll play my Shakira records really, really loud!

Pintel (stopping car): …You own Shakira records?

Ragetti: And I'm not afraid to use 'em!

(after pause) Pintel: We're coming Dot! (they drive over to her) Okay, Pinky, do what you must to wake her up.

Ragetti: Okay. (starts poking her on the head with his finger) Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke!...

Pintel: Gosh darn it! Stop doing that, Pinky!

Ragetti: Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke!... (Elizabeth is suddenly startled awake by the poking)

Pintel & Ragetti: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! ZOMBIE!!! (Pintel floors it and they drive off as quickly as they can)

(Elizabeth sees the chest in their car)

Elizabeth: Hey! I was enjoying my unconsciousness! YOU DIE NOW!!! (grabs a giant wooden mallet from behind her back, screams wildly, and runs after them)

Pintel & Ragetti: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Meanwhile, Jack, Will, and Norrington continue to duel on the sands; Jack runs off, and Norrington chases after him, but Will pulls him down; Norrington gets back up and kicks sand in Will's face)

Norrington: By your leave, Mr. Turner. (runs off to chase Jack)

Will: There's someone by my leave?! Damn it, that's my leave, and it's off-limits to everybody else! (draws sword, looks threateningly for those that are "by his leave") Where are they, I'm gonna—! (Jack whistles to Will over by the church)

Jack: Willy!

Norrington (snickering to himself): Willy!

Jack: We're fighting by the church now!

Will (shouting over to them): But that place is holy!

Jack: Yeah, so are cows, apparently. But does that stop the Christians from eating beef? I don't think so. (Will runs off after them)

(Meanwhile, the crew of the Flying Dutchman is rising out of the shallows, one of them holding a chain shot as a weapon; two of them are suddenly whacked HARD by Anamaria's brick-filled purse, who rises out of the shallows alongside them)

Anamaria: OUTTA MY WAY, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I'VE GOT ASS TO KICK!

Maccus: So do we!

Anamaria: Eh, you're a villain. Nobody cares about you.

Clanker: I could kill you right now, you know.

Anamaria: Really? I admire that kind of confidence in a man.

Clanker: Are you single?

Anamaria: Yeah, but not for you, sir. No way. You smell like bad sushi.

(Clanker roars and threatens her with his weapon)

Anamaria: I'm sorry, did I offend you in any way? My apologies. Here, have a present. (hands Clanker a gift-wrapped box)

Hadras: Open it! Open it!

Clanker: I will! I will!

Anamaria: You better.

(Clanker hurriedly opens the gift, only to find a several sticks of lit dynamite tied together)

Anamaria: I'm sorry. Not. (the dynamite explodes in Clanker's face, charring him and some of the other crewman)

Clanker (growling): I'm mad now! (he and the others turn to Anamaria angrily)

Anamaria (totally unafraid): You're gonna kill me now, aren't ya?

Maccus: That's the plan!

Anamaria: Your plan sucks. (runs off into forest cartoonishly)(to audience) Oh. Hi. Didn't see you there. What, is this not believable enough for you? You want me look more scared or something ? All right, if you insist… AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

(At the church, Norrington chases Jack up the steps inside the building, but Jack kicks Norrington back down with his foot)

Norrington: Ow! I'm telling my Mom we're not friends anymore! (they swordfight on the steps, then Jack grabs hold of the bell rope, which carries him downward, and carries Will upward, who just arrived)

Will: By your leave, Mr. Norrington.

Norrington: (Censored) it's by my leave! This (censored) is by your leave!

(the Flying Dutchman crew is chasing Anamaria, who is only pretending to feel threatened and afraid for YOUR sakes, when they come across the chest and stop to look at it)

Crewmen: Ooooh, chest…

Anamaria (not realizing they've stopped; turns around to see what they're doing): I don't even have one! What's to ogle? I—oh. That chest.

(Suddenly, the church bell starts ringing)

Hadras (pointing to church): They're in there!

Anamaria: I thought this was about me. I thought the plan was to kill me.

Clanker: Not really. We came here to kick Sparrow, Turner, and Norrington tail.

Anamaria: What a coincidence. I came here to kick Sparrow and Swann tail.

Maccus: We could work together! Want to join the bad side? You could prove a valuable ally!

Anamaria: The bad side? (laughs) No thanks, I was already married once.

Clanker: Fine. (they run off towards the church, leaving Anamaria behind)

Anamaria: Oh, sure. Run away. Just like my husband!

Director: Honestly, Slappy, what kind of husband wouldn't run away from you?

Anamaria: The dumb kind.

Director: Oh, so we're on the same page. Good to know. (gives her thumbs-up) Resume action!

(While Norrington and Will are battling on top of the church, Jack grabs the dangling key from Norrington's hand, only causing Norrington to turn around and duel Jack, eventually knocking Jack's sword out of his hands and onto the ground below)

Norrington (to Will): Do excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life.

Jack: You mean the cartoon who ruined your life.

Will: But he's my brother! Why would you kill my brother?!

Jack & Norrington (to Will): It's a movie!

Will: Right. Sorry. Carry on.

Jack: But before you kill me, former Commodore, ol' Jamesy-boy, let's examine your claim of "cartoon who ruined your life." Who was it, who at the very moment you had a notorious pirate safely behind bars, saw fit to free said pirate, and take your dearly beloved all to hisself, eh?

Will: Harry Shearer? (Jack and Norrington give stupefied looks at Will) Sorry. Carry on. Again.

Jack (ignoring Will): So, whose fault is it, really, that you've ended up a rum-pot deckhand what takes orders from pirates?

Norrington: Well, not Harry Shearer, for one thing…

Will: Thank goodness, too. He's funny, that Harry.

Jack: Toodle-oo! (somersaults off roof onto ground below)

Will (watching Jack): That was impressive. He should join the Olympics.

Norrington (turning to Will): You do know we were talking about you, right?

Will: You were? …Uh-oh.

Norrington: DIE!!! (they resume their duel)

Jack (grabbing his sword, putting it back in its sheath): Still rooting for you, mate!

Norrington: Me?

Jack: Yes.

Norrington: Ah, sweet! (he and Will continue battling on top of the roof)

(Jack picks up the key and puts it around his neck, then walks into a nearby graveyard, only to fall into an open grave; meanwhile, Norrington backs Will onto the top of the mill's waterwheel; the axle of the wheel then breaks off with them dueling on top, causing it to crash through a fence and roll towards Jack, who is facing the other direction and unaware it is headed straight for him; the wheel rolls over him and pulls him up into the inside of the moving wheel)

Jack (initially frightened): Oh my God! What's happening? (suddenly realizes how fun it is, and smiles) WEEEEEEEEE!!! It's like Disneyland, but without the lines! YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Suddenly, the key falls off his neck and into the wheel, where it gets caught on a piece and dangles from it; Jack struggles to grab it as he runs along inside and along with the wheel) Must…use…THE FORCE! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only ho—ah, there we go. (having grabbed key) Thanks, Obi-Wan! (metal bar of wheel suddenly hits him on the head, and he falls off the wheel)(as he faints) (CENSORED) you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

(Meanwhile, Pintel and Ragetti are speeding along in their miniature moon car with the chest, while Elizabeth is chasing after them with a giant wooden mallet)

Elizabeth (angry): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Pintel & Ragetti (scared): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Elizabeth goes around and puts her foot in the path of their vehicle, causing them to stop abruptly; she raises her mallet, roars like a lion, and prepares to hit them)

Elizabeth (angry): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Pintel & Ragetti (scared): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(She smashes the car to pieces as Pintel and Ragetti jump out; the force causes the little chest to go flying upwards)

Ragetti: Brain…the car!

Pintel: Pinky…the chest! (watching it fall down) I can catch it! I can catch it! (Due to his tiny size, however, he can't, and it crushes him) OW. I can't catch it.

Ragetti: Brain, get out! Hurry! Dot's on a rampage!

(Elizabeth roars again and brings her mallet up as she walks toward Pintel and Ragetti; Pintel gets out from under the chest and gasps at the sight of her)

Pintel: Wait a minute! We're pirates! We have swords, Pinky!

Ragetti: Narf! By Jove, he's right! (he and Pintel pull out their diminutive swords and yell defiantly at frighteningly angry Elizabeth)

Pintel & Ragetti: TO VICTORY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (they charge towards Elizabeth, swords ready and out in the forward direction)