Okies, my dear readers and reviewers, this is the 25th chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers!
Me, Sumi, Karla (a friend) and Lana (another friend) are guest starring in my own story! You can probably tell where me, Sumi, Karla, or Lana-nii wrote pieces in, right?
RIGHT?!
WOOT!
Me - Amaya
Sumi - Shinju
Karla - Keashi
Lana - Bikiru (my embodied sarcastic conscience)
"Happy 25th chapter, Amaya-chan!" Tobi screamed and gave the white-haired girl a hug, messing up her hair playfully.
The two people she came with eyed the decorated base suspiciously, quietly, until one named Shinju shouted out, "I BROUGHT KARAOKE!"
Itachi screamed his delight and ran to give her a hug. Amaya gave Kisame a suspicious look, but the shark-nin just mouthed back, "he's drunk."
As this statement was no great amount of surprise to the party, Amaya proceeded to bring in her...
Voice of reason.
Sarcastic Reason!
Embodied. Embodied Sarcastic Voice of Reason.
A voice came from above, "Did you have to capitalize that? I HAVE a name, you know!"
Sorry... Had a whole bunch of root beer.
Anyway, after a suspenseful (!!) moment...
A black-haired girl, by the name of Bi... Ki... Ruuu..., fell out of the sky (or cave... roof?), stood up, dusted herself off, completely ignored the fact that she was in an enclosed space with a bunch of mass murderers and/or insane half-humans/males/plants/inanimate objects, and concluded this run-on sentence by saying, "Happy birthday. I mean, chapter. Whatever I'm here for. Hey, since I'm a conscience and don't technically have to care for my body, I get to drink, right? Always wanted to find out what a hangover felt like."
Amaya ignored Deidara offering her a huge present with spikes on the bow and walked over to hug her conscience, Bikiru. "Bikiru-nii, you made it! And, uh... We're not in a cave."
As if delayed by some unnatural event, Itachi just now yelled out, "OH MY GOD, KARAOKE!"
He then ran up to the stage (since when was there a stage in the Akatsuki common room?) and started singing as Kisame plugged the various pieces of equipment in.
"-without love! Pain, I can't get enough! Pain, I like it rough! 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all!"
At which point Pein jumped onto the stage and started to dance with Itachi, ignoring the warning curses flying from Kisame's mouth.
Bikiru groaned. "One, then where the hell are we? Two, TELL me this chapter won't turn into a songifc. Three, oh my ABSTRACT NOUN, that is gross and wrong!"
"No, my friend, no songfic, as you see-"
And instantly, Pein was pulled off the stage by an angry Kisame and Itachi was carried over to a couch, thrown down and kissed viciously.
Now that Kisame had renewed his claim, he decided to go for punch, then stopped short. Tobi had made the punch. Who knew was the masked fiend could have put into it?
Shinju walked over to Amaya and poked her, whispering, "Who's that guy in the mask? He looks really... sad..."
Hidan heard and laughed, "I spent some cash on the party and he hates me now!"
"SHUT UP, HIDAN!" The other masked being screamed.
"It talks!" The girl exclaimed.
Talking masked beings aside, Bikiru was getting annoyed. She has just sent her friend, Mary S- I mean, Keashi Aoimizu (Or whatEVER her last name is these days) two emails, but she is insecure about her writing skills. While these insecurities are actually quite justified, if she doesn't say something SOON, Bikiru plans to call her and order her to slap herself on the head with her own cell phone.
"Ha!" Bikiru called out to seemingly (probably) no one. "You gotta talk now bitch! You can't just let me insult your intelligence like that!"
"Bikiru-nii, don't give Mary Sue-baka a hard time!" Amaya glances at the blue(?)-haired girl hugging her knees and rocking gently in the corner of the room, whimpering, "Deidara-chan just told her that he'd be with Sasori-kun forever, and she's taking it a little bit too hard."
Meanwhile, Shinju had been spending her time poking Tobi (who was content with merely poking her back) and asking him random questions such as, "What's under your mask? Are you ugly? What's that green thing on your shoe? Is it edible?"
Tobi didn't spare a look toward his shoe and replied, "Why, yes it is, Shinju-chan. How about you try it?"
"NOOOOOO!!" The closet yelled.
Or, rather, someone in the closet yelled. No one had enough heart (certainly not Amaya) and decided to just let the poor soul stay there... Well, until it yelled, "PLEEEEEASE LET ME IN! I HAVE CAKE!! I HAVE CAAAAAAAAKE!!
Itachi, who happened to have the ability to sober up in mere seconds, was now sober and ran to the door, prepared to give the person in the closet a sound beating. He opened the door and, to everyone's surprise, it was not a closet, but a front door. They had all forgotten what room they were in.
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Shino."
"NIISAN!" Shinju screamed and tackled the teen.
"Shino... Shinju... Shiiiino... Shiiiinju...There's a connection here! I just know it!" But try as the conscience might, she couldn't figure it out. Poor, poor her. "Oh whatever. I want cake! Caaake!!"
For the name, there was actually no connection at all. Shinju just happened to start with the same three letter as Shino, though it meant pearl and Shino meant something about bugs.
Then again, they were brother and sister, so...
"Shinju-chan? How the hell did you get here?" The boy asked, disbelievingly, and everyone in the room (the three other girls that were here for the party) gasped.
Shino had never said so much in his life.
"OMGWTFIHH?!" Amaya screamed (oh my God, what the fuck is happening here?). "IT TALKS!!"
"The HORROR!" Bikiru shrieked (Not to be confused with "the WHORE!", which is what most people usually seem to think she says. Not that she ever corrects them.) "Shino being OOC! Impossibly implausible (Say that five times fast!)!!11"
After which she started falling down to her knees and praying (just in case Armageddon was taking place. I mean, all the signs were there! I mean Shino talking! That's like... Kisame not getting a hard whenever Itachi uses his Sharingan!)
Kisame looked up from once again claiming Itachi's face with his tongue and glared at Bikiru, "How the hell did you know I get a hard on whenever Itachi uses his Sharingan?"
"You do?" someone asked.
"You never notice the little tent in my pants? I mean big tent. Very big tent."
Amaya, thoroughly disgusted by the situation, pondered why most fanfic writers referred to a hard on in reasonably tight pants as a 'tent'. Well, she pondered it until she looked at the huge tent-like object between Kisame's legs. Then she understood perfectly.
So, because she didn't want to give herself a bad name (she thought Amaya did quite well), she preformed a simple jutsu that swapped her and Keashi's body, "OMG!! ITACHI, YOU'RE SOOOO UUUUUUUBER HAWTT!!" Inside, though, Amaya knew that Itachi would remain forever Kisame's (which he will until he dies, and he never will die, NEVER!!) and that it was complete and utter FOOLISHNESS to spell 'hot' that way.
Mariko, Shinju's huge, man-eating BEAST of a cat (to this she scowled HORRENDOUSLY), preformed a mind-reading jutsu and screamed, "DENIAL!!"
The white-haired girl commonly known as Amaya scowled at both the cat and the thought of her capitalizing every word that should have been italicized (or however the hell it's spelled).
She was beginning to wonder if she was bipolar, then remembered how bipolar Zetsu and Tobi were.
Her face was graced with a warm smile as she thought the very cutest thought that could float through a teenage, power-hungry, revenge-seeking MONSTER of a girl -
They evened each other out.
Everyone watched amazedly (even if that is a word, I declare it isn't, because I'm awesome like that) as all of those emotions flittered (seriously?) through her face and shone in her eyes (because eyes can tell you EVERYTHING about ANYTHING). Then she glared, and everyone went back to doing what they were doing (such as Kisame claiming Itachi's face with his tongue).
Switching back to her rightful body, because she felt that Keashi hadn't bathed in years, she began idle chitchat about where Konan had disappeared to.
"Maybe the Witless Protection Program?" Shinju asked casually.
"Don't you mean 'Witness'?" Since when had Konan actually witnessed a crime?
Amaya smacked herself in the forehead for actually THINKING that.
"Well, the witnesses can't have all the fun."
Bikiru thought back to her favorite cop shows. "Aren't witnesses the ones that are most likely to die... (well, next to the victims themselves...) you know, since they witnessed the crime?"
Oh yes. Very Fun. (At this point, something in my head wants to smack me and scream "You're too literal!")
Amaya growled, something she just figured out she could do, "SHOVE IT!"
Shinju smiled sweetly, far TOO sweetly, "But Amaya-kun (MUAHAHAHA!) if she shoved it, wouldn't it hurt tomorrow morning?"
Mariko smiled, a vicious, digusting, fang-filled, cat-like GRIN (so ebil!) and an aweful smell permeated the room, "Depends on where she'd shove it."
Kakuzu, having been conversing with the cat until now, "Are you drunk?"
The now topsy-turvy cat (now topsy-turvy becaus L just MADE her drunk!) laughed, "Depends what joo consider dwunk." Amaya wondeed what the hell L was doing here and why the cat had chosen to say 'joo' instead of 'you.'
It reminded her far too greatly of a certain Mary Sue.
Amaya spoke dramatically, "Please get Ms. Mary Sue to talk with us, Bikiru-nii. It might do her good. Or bad. Depends on whatever mood 'Tachi-horny's in."
Bikiru threw up her hands in exaggerated frustration. "I've tried everything! Yelling at her, begging annoyingly, insulting her -- the only thing I haven't done is ask nicely. And the day I do that is the day her name is not synonymous with Mary Sue! Can't we just settle for talking ABOUT her..? Reverse psychology and Using-smart-words-that-no-one-understands-to-make-someone-succumb-to-oneself psychology are the only psychology tricks I know! She's developed an immunity! IMMUNITY, I tell you!"
Then she popped a couch using her Satanic - I mean - Author powers, and fell dramatically into it, her hand against her forehead.
"I know a view types of psychology... Namely blackmail. HEEE!!" With this, Amaya went off to blackmail Keashi-baka by threatening to tell everyone in both classes about who she liked.
Bikiru gasped, falling (gracefully) out of the couch flat on her butt. "Keashi likes someone not on the internet! This is a new one!"
Okay seriously, though, Keashi! If you don't get out here right this second, your Sims game is going down the toilet! (Well, no, not the toilet, don't wanna clog it. The fire!- No... parents won't let me light it after last year's incident... I'll bite it! Yeah!) The narration stamps its foot for emphasis.
...
Are you even paying attention, you bitch?
Sigh, of course not. No one ever pays attention to the narration. They just read what's being said...
CHECK YOUR EMAIL, YOU MARY SUE!
Bikiru raised an eyebrow. "Oh damn. Is bipolar-ness contagious or something?"
"GAH!! NARRATION-SAMA!! Pwease make things make sense from now on! I'm sure all of my readers are going, 'what the fuck?'" Amaya whined, kicking Mariko in the stomach for emphasis. Only, she forgot that the stomach was where the tits were.
She was promptly mauled by an angry lioness.
"Anyway, Bikiru-nii, it's only contagious if you spend too much time with me. KISAME, STOP DOING THAT TO ITACHI'S FACE!"
"But it's fun!"
"HE NEEDS AIR!"
"Fine."
Tobi, who had recently left the room with a horny Zetsu, popped his head in for a few seconds, "What was he doing to 'Tachi-san?"
Shinju laughed, "Oh? Still moving, Tobi? I though Zetsu was horny."
Tobi grinned, "Tobi's not only into masochism."
At this, Hidan grinned and the rest of the people in the room shuddered.
Bikiru sighed. "I only have little of my innocence left. I'm clinging so desperately... goddamnit, are we out of alcohol already?"
She slumped on the floor and glared at Amaya. "And your readers have been going 'what the FUCK' ever since they read the first word of this story!"
"ONLY FOR THE MOST PART!" Amaya replied loudly. "Show her where the 'beer' is kept, Sasori-sama."
"The 'whisky' or the 'lager'?"
"The 'whisky'." Sasori flashed a wicked smile towards Bikiru and offered a hand.
The door slammed open, creating a very loud bang that echoed throughout the... the.. the whatever the Akatsuki base is. "Sorry I'm late!" A blue haired girl exclaimed, carrying a large bag over her shoulder, about to pass out. It was Aomizu Keashi, naturally being late like her former sensei always was.
"What the hell took you so long?" Amaya asked with a rolling of the eyes. "And so is that a mannequin in the corner?"
"Eh, took me forever to find these things, ran into Team Hebi, damn them to hell and beyond... The usual..." She rolled her eyes and dropped the sack on the floor, making another loud crash.
"WTF?" faces came for a few people... "WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THERE, BRICKS!?" Shinju screamed. She unravled the knots and plushies came pouring out. Oh, they weren't any normal plushies... they were plushies of everyone that they knew, including the Akatsuki, who, now, were poking the strange dolls with kunais and what not. (Narration omfg, Keashi, shut up, you suck!)
"Bikiru, Amaya!" Keashi threw a Garra and Itachi plushie to the both of them, while she grabbed her Deidara plushie and the blinding strings nearly snapped due to her hugging power...
Bikiru shrieked. "The Plushie Elf is NOT a myth! She SPEAKS!"
Itachi let out an unintelligible moan from under Kisame.
Bikiru shuddered as she decided to translate. "Itachi says, 'I find it disturbing that there is a wad of cotton and fabric molded into an unflattering mimic of me and widely distributed worldw -- Oh god Kisame, hurry up! Harder, dammit!'" After done translating, Bikiru sobbed, drunkenly, into the massive Gaara-Plushie-Chan's head. (Narration ...I want Itachi to be MY bitch! Or maybe Kisame as my seme?)
Curiousity peaked, Amaya looked over and screamed while trying to control herself by scolding Mary Bitch, "Keashi-baka, that barely made any sense, and it was all bunched up. Anyway, at least you're contributing."
Shinju wondered what Amaya had screamed at and decided she didn't want to know. Rather, she peeked in on Zetsu and Tobi, "Hey Tobi, doesn't that hurt?"
"LIKE A BITCH!"
Bikiru grinned wildly. "Well, no pain no gain, right, Zetsu-kun?"
"Words of wisdom," Zetsu agreed. "Suck it up, Tobi, suck up."
Amaya's eye twitched but she paid no attention to the perverted comments.
"Shinju, bring me Sasuke." She commanded, deciding the party was getting a bit too boring, what with Tobi drained, Zetsu nice and placid, Kisame and Itachi fucking on the couch, Pein drunk (she couldn't wait too see what happened to him next), Konan wallowing in self-pity, Sasori and Deidara Kami-knows-where, probably fucking, and Kakuzu and Hidan...
"DON'T FUCK ON STAGE, GODDAMNIT!!"
Shinju sighed, "What if I dun wanna go get Sasuke?"
"What if I dun wanna spare your life?"
With that, Shinju fled, and Kakuzu and Hidan stopped fucking on stage, opting for the room next to the one Zetsu and Tobi had occupied.
Bikiru shivered. The way the authoress summoned Sasuke through Shinju had her imagining five bulky guys thrusting open a 20-foot high door with a half-naked Sasuke in chains in their grasp, and throwing him at Amaya's feet. Only the half-naked and chains part really appealed to the OC.
And probably the part where Sasuke looks up with a determined glare, his forehead soaked with blood, which was also trickling out of his mouth and onto his firm, pale chest, which was heaving up and down as he breathed hard and sharp from the pain...
Okay. None of that. You like Gaara remember? He has a chest too. And a lotta blood. And sand. AND a tattoo. Made of blood AND sand. So stop.
Five minutes later, that was actually what was happening, only with a regular door and 4 bulky guys at Shinju's side.
They gave the chains to Shinju who handed them to Amaya who, smiling wickedly, said, "Sasuke-chan, meet Kisame."
As of that moment, it appeared that Itachi and Kisame were done fucking (Sasuke was gaping) and Kisame sat with his legs crossed on the spoiled couch, "Hehehe..."
Amaya threw Sasuke at him with amazingly cool strength and laughed like a DEMON!!, "Kisame, he's yours for the evening."
"Don't I get any say in who you're whoring my brother out to?" Itachi asked, pouting cutely (we can all assume he's drunk again.)
Shinju laughed, "Yeh just want him for yerself." We can all also assume that Shinju is now drunk.
Bikiru looked between the younger Uchiha and Kisame. Kisame was looking... sharky and Sasuke was looking horrified. She felt sorry for the poor, half-naked man.
Or maybe it was just the half-naked part.
"Don't you think Kisame's kinda tired?" Then as an afterthought, "And Sasuke's gotta be pretty tired too... I mean, he just came from Orochimaru's!"
Sasuke, while looking horrified, suddenly also looked insulted at the same time. "ME? Tired out! Absolutely not! If Naruto in demon form couldn't tire me out, then THIS certainly can't!" he waved a chained fist at Bikiru, then turned to Itachi with a burning glare. "Bastard, how the hell's your ass?"
Itachi smirked. "I won't be able to walk for two weeks."
Then Sasuke turned back with a confident glare. "Then I'll be incapacitated for THREE!"
Bikiru stared at the guy in shock. "I know you want to beat your brother and all... but by whoring yourself out? That's just... just..." Then she sighed. "Not surprising actually."
"Awwwwwww, little Koneko-kun is blushing!" Amaya cooed as the half-naked (she grinned at which half was the naked half) boy blushed, realizing what he had just said. "SHINJU"
Shinju, standing in front of the four tired and mutinous-looking men, replied, "Yes, master?"
"BRING ME NARUTO"
"Hey, I didn't mean that literally, it was just a joke!!"
"I don't give a fuck, get me Naruto?"
"Why?"
"You're going to base a fanfic off of the events."
Bikiru watched curiously as she waited for a half-naked Naruto to appear. After watching four episodes of Death Note, she was suddenly hungry. She summoned an apple (much like the one on the cover of the Twilight book) and occupied herself with it...
Then she glared down at it.
"Needs more alcohol."
While Amaya was getting more beer for Bikiru, Shinju appeared with Naruto. "WHY THE HELL AM I HERE, I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL FOR KAMI'S-"
"JASHIN'S!" Yelled Hidan from inside the room with Kakuzu. This was followed by a horrific scream and a moan.
"JASHIN'S SAKE, AND-... Oh, hey, Sasuke."
Sasuke, already getting felt up by Kisame, simply waved back and mouthed, 'HELP ME!'
Inside Naruto's head.
"Rape him. Rape him. Rape-"
"I'M NOT GONNA RAPE SASUKE!!"
"Fine, let him rape you."
"I'M NOT GONNA-actually, that sounds quite nice."
"Can I rape you too?"
"You are me!"
"Is there a law against raping yourself?"
"Yeah, it's called suicide."
"Dear Kit, and I have no idea why the hell I call you that, I think you got your facts wrong."
"Bite me."
--CHOMP--
"OWCHIES!"
Normal world.
Everyone just stared as Naruto screamed, "OWCHIES!"
Amaya stepped into the room with lots and lots of beer. The label on each the bottles read, "Happy juice! Suck it up!"
Naruto grabbed one, popped the top, and gulped it down, running over to sit on Sasori's lap, who just now magically appeared. Deidara was not to be seen though. "What do you want?"
"I figured Shinju-chan might make yeh fuck me."
"Erm, okay then, but I'm actually interested in Gaara."
"Isn't he your cousing?" (Narration Cousing is a weird way of saying cousin. Naruto is a weird way of saying ass-slut)
"GODDAMNIT, WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT?!"
"'Cause it's true? Where's Deidara anyway?"
Elsewhere.
"ACK!!"
"Suck it up, bug-boy."
"IT TASTES LIKE SPIDER GUTS!!"
"How would you know?"
"..."
"Nevermind."
Regularwhere.
"I have no idea. Why don't you ask Itachi? I bet he'd know."
Everyone looked at Itachi, who just happened to be asleep. Sasuke shuddered and jumped off of Kisame's lap to rescue Naru-chan, only to be dragged back by the chain that kept him prisoner. Y'know, kinda like a dog that forgets it has a leash?
Bikiru decided to have a random comment again.
"You know, I once saw a cop show or something where a little girl died by a rabid dog who went crazy because he got chained up too much."
Then she looked between Sasuke (who was trying to make his chains rusty and breakable with his tears) and Naruto, and she remembered Naruto's habit of transforming into little girls...
"Now I wonder what would happen if that girl decided to... bite...?" Bikiru immediately whipped out her (imaginary) IPhone and dialed Jiraiya's cell phone number (ignoring the fact that this era's most advanced form of communication is through birds).
"Hello? Oh, hey madam prostitute. Is Jiraiya there? Oh... he's info collecting? From you? Okay... give him a message for me, will you? Tell him a random girl whom he's never met has an idea for his... product. It involves chains. Oh? Okay, thank you. Yes, I'm sure it's fun over there. No, sorry, can't join you. No, my friends can't either. What? Of course I've never met the Akatsuki! Why, did he tell you to ask that? He DID? Well, tell him that I have never heard of any group called the Akatsuki, and am completely offended that he would accuse me of such blasphemy!" And with a huff, she hung up.
And turned back to the horny Akatsuki. "Continue."
Shinju, noticing the lack of narration about her brother, suddenly realized that he was gone, "I'LL SAVE YOU NIISAN!!" And promptly ran into a wall. Then, as if no wall had ever existed, she ran through it to where her 'kikai senses' were tingling.
Amaya pulled Naruto off of the stoic Sasori's lap and threw the chains over to Kisame, who grinned wholeheartedly, "There you go sharky-san, yeh get two slaves for the evening."
"C'mon, kids, let's get Itachi to our room and then I can show ya a little something."
"NARUTO!"
"Yes Amaya-sama?"
"Here's some beer."
Naruto grabbed the bottle. Now in canon, he'd probably be a little freaked out that someone trusted him with alcohol.
Instead, he sniffed it a little, looked at Sasuke, and noticed the lack of anything containing lubricant.
"I think I can use this."
"Ask your master if you can use the beer as lube." Amaya said sternly, backhanding the blond idiot for no apparent reason.
"Kisame-sama?"
"Fine, but it'll burn if yeh start bleeding." Kisame said, shrugging and picking up Itachi bridal-style.
"ACK, SOMEONE GET A CAMERA!!" The white-haired girl squealed while throwing Naruto against a wall for good measure.
Bikiru conjured a camera that was really cool and shiny that she could never afford (but a girl can dream, can't she?). "We can post it on youtube!! And this'll prove my brother wrong! NaruHina and SasuSaku my ass!"
"GAH, ARIGATOU BIKIRU-NII, I CAN'T FIND MINE!!"
Ding dong (no, not that way you pervs.
Amaya went to answer the door and called over her shoulder, "Was anyone here expecting any more guests?"
Everyone shook their head with a confused expression and Amaya called again, "Well, I was just wonderin' 'cause the Rookie 9's here, the Sand Siblings, and Team Gai."
She was promptly attacked/hugged by her teammate Lee and her sensei, Gai, "LEGGO OR I'M GIVIN' YEH WRINKLES!!" At once they both jumped off of her, muttering something about youth and she said, "Bikiru-nii, can you get the alcohol away from Lee-kun? Oh, and away from Mary Bitch, 'cause it migth set her off"
After shouting a few more random commands and ushering the 18 (let's pretend no one's dead!) people in, Sakura realized-
"SASUKE-KUN!! DON'T WORRY, I'LL KILL THAT SHARK BASTARD AND DESTROY ITACHI!!"
Her head was promptly ripped off by an angry shark.
Okay, now that Pinky McBitch was gone, everything seemed happy and joyous, save the screams coming from the other rooms.
"Kies, Neji, get Hidan and Kakuzu, and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE IN THERE! Ino, heal Horny-nii and don't save Sasuke or Naruto. Erm... Shikamaru-kun, go get Zetsu and Tobi, and please don't faint if you see what's behind the mask. Kiba, go get Shino and Deidara, someone rescue Captain Emo and the flower princess, and SASORI WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF MY LAP!!"
"Oh, sorry, I didn't re-GAARA-CHAAAAAAAAN!!" And promptly ran over to give the panda-suit-wearing boy a huggle.
Bikiru rolled her eyes. "Damn Sakura-bashers," she muttered under her breath, but only could be bothered to dwell on that for a second as Sasori had just jumped into Gaara's arms.
Now, Bikiru was a rabid fangirl for Gaara, rest assured, but the one thing a girl liked more than the guy she loved was when the guy she loved had a guy she was indifferent about on his lap.
But maybe that was just optimism. Or insanity. I mean, the guy you love turning out to be a fag? How is that GOOD? It could sure get a lotta hits on youtube, though...
Anyway, she quickly digressed, and proceeded to distract Lee with a fake squirrel. "Yes... the squirrel loves you... get awaaay from the alcohol... the squirrel promises to give you its nuts... let gooo of the alcohol," she said in a hypnotic voice. "Nuts..." Then she trapped him in a cardboard box and then moved onto the next subject, Princess Mary Sue (PMS).
This time she grabbed Sakura's head (don't worry Sakura-lovers, it'll regenerate... Hopefully. This is a fanfic after all!) and made herself invisible (because Bikiru pwns like that), making the pink head seem to be floating.
Keashi whimpered in fear, but only held the alcohol closer to herself.
Bikiru turned on her Hypnotic-voice-thingy-tone. "Sakura's gonna get you, Keashi-baka... her head's mad at you... for calling her a 'flat-chested bitch'..." Finally she got close enough, un-invisible-ized herself, and swiped the alcohol from her grasp.
"Nanananana!" Bikiru sang. "That's what you get for judging people by the size of their breasts, you pervert!" And Bikiru (intelligently) drank the whole bottle in about half a minute.
Somehow she didn't get knocked out. "Why do birds... suddenly appear..." she sang woozily.
"Because birds make Jashin happy, and that's why there be lots of birdies." Amaya finished reading the story to Chouji, who had fallen asleep halfway through with a thumb in his mouth (AND THE OTHER IN HIS ASS, HAAAA)
The ninja she had sent out returned (she couldn't remember their names) and she thanked them with beer.
Yummy, light, fluffy cake-
I mean beer.
Yeah, beer.
Bikiru, who suddenly turned sober again, decided to randomly change the subject again (ah don't worry, I'm sure we'll get back to the beer subject again somehow.)
"I'm hungry. Who's up for pizza? Or rather, who's up for torturing the pizza delivery guy?"
Giggling evilly, Amaya nodded and called for pizza (with a magical bird that travels 900 times the speed of light).
(Well, that's about as realistic as... well pretty much everything in this story...) And it just so happened that the pizza boy had the exact same time of bird, so a millionth of a millisecond later, the doorbell rang.
Bikiru grinned maniacally and pulled out a tape recording labeled "Dora the Explorer!" and ran towards the door, but then stopped suddenly.
"Piiizzaaa's hee - What the hell? Orochimaru? Since when are you the pizza delivery guy?"
"Since the bad guy dollar started losing its value," Amaya stated calmly, taking out her magical turtle that took pictures and printed live-sized copies from its ass. Orochimichael Jackson being her favorite character in the show, she started taking pictures with her ass-printing turtle. Conveniently, the copies smelled like rabbits.
Shinju asked, "Shouldn't it be ryo?"
"NAH-AH!!"
And then proceeded to hug Orochimichael Jackson and take the pizza, which she discovered was not cheese (BECAUSE THAT IS THE HOLY FLAVOR) and chucked it down Zetsu's throat. She invited Orochimichael Jackson in and offered him beer.
Being, perhaps, the worst decision of her mortal life, she asked him to go check up on Kisame and SasuNaru while she sent her prettie birdie after another pizza guy.
Bird time later, the door rang and Neji opened it, screaming, "WHO THE HELL'S HE?! HE DUD'N HAVE UBER HAWTT NINJA SKIZLLZ LIKE WE'S DO!!"
Amaya promptly replied, "I think he's Light from Death Note."
"Ah, Raito-kun, nice of you to make it."
Everyone's head turned at breakneck speed (and a few actually did) to see Ryuga Hideki (SHHHH, it's RYUUZAKI!) standing in the back of the room with Tobi (who had escaped Zetsu's brutality) and Inuyasha, waving around Tetsusaiga.
"Pizza for-I THOUGHT I FUCKING KILLED YOU!!"
"That was Rem, Raito-kun, and yes, I am dead. So is Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu and Ita-"
"HELL NO ITACHI DIDN'T!!" Amaya screeched because it was true.
Itachi was-IS immortal.
Forever.
Bikiru let out a squeal, and decided to completely forget about Gaara (He was occupied with Kankurou's puppets anyway.)
"Omg (pronounced Oh-magee), Raaaiittoo!!"
"Oh fuck, It's Mi-" Light said turning around. "Oh, oops. Who're you?"
SPOILER ALERT!! (Narration Teehee!)
Bikiru ran up to the younger genius and hugged him. "Woohoo!"
Then she slapped him. "What the HELL is with the way you died? You start screaming your head off, and you let yourself get shot! I'm fucking ashamed! And all this time I was DEFENDING you!"
Light smirked to L- I mean Ryuz- I mean... WHATEVER! "I told you there's a Kira supporter in the real world out there somewhere."
BIkiru shook her head. "Oh no, I just like you. I hate Kira. Sounds like the name Kyra. And I like L- I mean Ryuz... I mean.. whatever-his-name-is, too. Oh, and by the way-"
SLAP! again.
"You killed him, you bastard! After he gave you a FOOT MASSAGE too!"
SPOILER END!! (Narration Aww...)
L - I mean... whatever smirked. "I win."
Bikiru smiled cruelly. "Actually, neither of you win. I don't know what in God's name gave you the courage to come here, but... look around, boys..."
Suddenly, the nerds - I mean, two geniuses (geni?) paled.
Light whimpered. "Please... no..."
Bikiru jumped gleefully. "I know I'm supposed to be the anti-insane one but, I've been infected. Sorry, Light and L. Now go to the Handcuff room."
Smiling evily, Amaya nodded and led them to the handcuff room (the one with the millions of hidden video cameras) and locked the door.
Back to Orochimichael Jackson.
"HEY ROCHI-CHAN!!"
"HEY MAYA-CHAN!!"
Idle chitchat ensued, and everyone in the room was left to the cake, soda and karaoke.
They were interrupted, however, by a fairly disturbing song, sung by Shikamaru.
"F is for friends who do 'stuff' together!
U is you fuck meee!
N is for anywhere at anytime at all down here in the deep white sea!"
Everyone clapped, saying it was the best fucking song they'd ever heard.
Shikamaru bowed and blew kisses. "I'd like to thank the little people..."
"Aww... I shoulda used that song for the Speech Meet," Bikiru whined.
"We sucked so bad..." Amaya whined back.
There was a resounding crash from one of the rooms and Hidan and Kakuzu came out, looking decent save for Hidan's limp.
Bikiru raised an eyebrow innocently. "You look tired, guys... have a seat."
Kakuzu sat down with a smug look on his face, while Hidan gave a flustered smile. "No thanks..."
Sighing heavily, Amaya slumped in her chair, "I think we have to end this soon. Gmail is lagging soooooooooooooooooo bad and I haven't copy/pasted the crap onto a document yet. I wonder how Mary-Bitch'll feel about how many times we've used the phrase 'Mary-Bitch."
Suddenly, Itachi woke up (because everyone wanted him AWAKE, GODDAMMET!) and Kisame walked out of the room, two barely dressed teens following him meekly. A closer look would reveal chains, but no one really wanted to look that close.
After a few moments of silence (and various other 'noises'), Shinju screamed, "Kisame! You can't put that, there!"
"JEEBUS CHLIST, Kisame, stop doing that to Itachi!" Amaya screamed. (Jeebus Chlist (Azn) - Jesus Christ (Engrish)
Zetsu gaped and beside him, Tobi whispered to him, "Hana-koi, how'd he learn how to do that? I thought only you could!"
OMFG, NOW WE'RE ON THE PART WHERE IT'S ONLY AMAYA WRITING!!
"Huh, I left this document (I actually did copy/paste the damn thing! Took me fifty million years, though) alone so long I kinda forgot what was happening... time to reread it!"
Half an hour later...
"I FINISHED!!"
There was much applause and moaning. Uhm...
Yeah, let's just pretend there's no moaning.
"Okay guys, who's up for our favorite game, FUCK RANDOM PEOPLE!!"
A round of cheers and a few, "Fuck yeah!!"s were heard.
And then the story ended, cuz im tired and horny and, omfg, Editor-chan!! Heeeyyy, when did you get here? Aww, you're so cute when you're half-WHAT THE HELL, WHERE ARE YOUR LEGS? Tobi? TOBI! Eh, I'll kill him later, so Editor-chan, should I make my first-evar m-rated fic soon? I should? Okay, I will. Oooohh... there's a bunny up Itachi-nii's butt... Hey, where's Bikiru-nii go? WHY IS EVERYONE SUDDENLY MY OLDER SIBLING?!
Oh, OH!!
I forgot to tell everyone a very awesome secret!!
I wanted to see how dumb Karla really was (she's not that dumb, but I wanted to play a trick on her) and created a split personality - Sumi!
So Sumi's not real! Sumi's me!!
Her new username is Angel's First Reincarnation and mine is Elfin Moon.
SO TECHNICALLY I ALREADY HAFF WRITTEN AN M-RATED FIC!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!