At Mordhaus, Mr. Offdenson and I weren't happy.

"This is why you need me around," I said to Dethklok after I tossed the newspaper. Apparently, during a Duncan Hills Coffee opening, Murderface decided to bring along his sawed off shotgun and he accidentally dropped it, making it go off. The Klokateers, thinking there was an assassin, opened fired on the fans. How many times had this happened now? I lost track after the third.

"What happened back there, huh?" demanded Mr. Offdenson. "What was that?"

"We don't know," said Pickles.

"We no means it," Toki whimpered. It was accidents. We're not at fault."

"Maybe it wouldn't have happened," I said. "If a certain bass player didn't bring his sawed off shot guns to gigs!"

"Hey!" Murderface growled. "I don't tell you what to do with your tranquilizer gun, so don't tell me what to do with my guns!"

Mr. Offdenson said, "It doesn't matter. Blood bath doesn't read well in print, all right? You know what I'm saying?"

"We can't do anything right!" Nathan yelled.

Mr. Offdenson ignored him. "Look, I've noticed you guys have been down and pouty lately. And I don't want to put you in harm's way anymore, so I've taken the liberty of hiring doubles to take over for your celebrity appearances." A door opened and five men stepped out. "Dethklok, meet Dethklok." The five men looked almost exactly like Dethklok, with a few key differences, but they weren't entirely noticeable.

Murderface was flabbergasted. "Let me see if I understand you correctly. You expect us to cut off our faces and then sew them on these regular jack offs and then resew them back on our own faces for the tour? You're a sick man."

Mr. Offdenson corrected him, "No, no, there will be no face cutting. Look at them. They already look like you."

"And they have been trained to know everything you know," I said. "Along with your talents. Again, there are some key differences, but we hope they are not noticeable."

Nathan raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I thought that was, like, a coincidence. That is coincidence."

"Listen," said Mr. Offdenson. "Great men throughout history have used doubles. Men who needed to stay alive for the greater good of the people, like yourselves. Men like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin..."

"Awesome!" exclaimed Nathan. "I'm Stalin. I call it."

"I'm Nixon." called out Pickles.

Skwisgaar raised a hand. "I wants to be Bill Cosby."

"No you don't," I said. "We don't need you to be wearing black face makeup. It's offensive."

"No, it doesn't work that way," said Mr. Offdenson. "We get doubles of you is what I'm saying."

Murderface got up to his own double. "Hold on. This guy does not look like me. He's hideous. He's grotesque. Look at him."

"Actually, Murderface, he..."

"Look at that head, that disgusting forehead, that stupid-shaped hair, beady eyes, like, stupid flat nose, wide hammer-ass, chicken-plucked legs idiot. You got to get your eyes checked, you piece of shit. The guy doesn't look like me!"

"Uh, William?" I asked. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?"

"No." I held up a conveniently placed mirror to his face. Murderface looked at his reflection, then at his double. Then he cried a little, "Oh, God. He looks just like me."

(!)

The Tribunal started their report. As usual, Senator Stampingston began. "Gentlemen, this latest Duncan Hills Coffee store opening has ended in a massacre. General Crozier?"

"Many innocents died. No report of any attempt on Dethklok's lives whatsoever."

"It means that Dethklok has greatly improved their security," said Vater Orlaag.

"It also means," the Left Eye said. "That they're growing in paranoia."

General Crozier continued, "Which is why they've employed doubles who work for us. These are some of our finest soldiers."

"More interesting," said Stampingston. "Is the union between Leonard Purcell and Dethklok." Purcell was the CEO of Duncan Hills Coffee. "They've taken their business relationship to the next level and stand to monopolize all coffee shops on the planet."

"Purcell has purchased the island of Sumatra," Vater Orlaag said. "And Dethklok will meet him there and perform on top of a dormant volcano."

Crozier reported, "Our doubles will get close to Purcell and retrieve his secret business contracts which will no doubt help us to control his growing strength."

"And I'll be there," the Left Eye said. "Just in case anything goes wrong."

Mr. Selacia narrowed his eyes at Crozier. "Be careful, General. We are here to observe. Be careful."

(!)

Days later, the Left Eye bowed on one knee before Mr. Selacia in private. "What have you to report?"

"I do not believe the general's plan with the doubles will go well. Dethklok is getting too friendly with them. They're almost clingy."

"I am not surprised. They have no real friends outside their work force."

The Left Hand chuckled. "Actually, I don't think they have no friends at all."

Mr. Selacia tapped a finger on his chair. "You remember that your job is merely to observe, right? I don't want you to go through with Crozier's plans."

"Of course, Master. But what of the doubles?"

"They will play their part."

"Very well."

"You are dismissed."

"Yes, Master."

(!)

I found Dethklok chatting away with their doubles in the lounge room. "I see you're getting along well with your new friends," I nodded. "To be honest, I think this is the first time I've seen you happy."

"I know," Pickles said. "Isn't it great? Who would have thought our best friends would be us!"

"That's kind of egotistical, but still..."

Mr. Offdenson came into the room. "Uh, listen, I don't think it's a great idea for you guys to get too close to your doubles."

"Why can't we have friends all of the suddens," demanded Skwisgaar."

"Well, you just can't have them as your friends."

"Oh, he admits it, sees? He is a tyrants. He admits it."

"Do you understand the purpose of having a double?"

"Yeah, I'll take this one, guys," Nathan said, putting an arm around his double. "A double is like having the best friend you've ever had in your whole life. A double listens to you when no one in this crazy world will. A double is like having a child and watching him grow up and feeling that feeling of pride and unyielding trust that no one else can..."

"This is sad. And I really don't want to say it," I said, hesitantly before Mr. Offdenson nudged my shoulder. "But a double is someone who takes the bullet for you if there's an assassin."

Dethklok blinked, then said a collective, "What?"

Mr. Offdenson said bluntly, "It's true. They exist so that if someone tries to kill you they will be killed instead."

"Whoa, what?" asked a shocked Nathan. "I mean, just thinking of those us as dead, I mean...I'm gonna cry. I might seriously cry about that."

"That's why you don't get emotionally attached, Nathan."

"Hey, where'd my me go?" Nathan's double had disappeared.

(!)

When Nathan's double was sure he was alone, he met the Left Eye in private. "What do you have so far?"

The double said, "The band Dethklok will not give us a moment to ourselves. All they want to do is pal around."

"I told the general this already. He says keep playing the part and only drop your cover when the Duncan Hills CEO makes the exchange."

"Very well." Suddenly, they heard footsteps. "Shh! Someone's coming!" But the Left Eye was already gone. "Man, that guy is good."

Nathan opened the door. "Hey, me, we don't got a lot of time before you got to go! We've got to go pal around!"

(!)

"Do we really have to resign the doubles?" I asked, looking at the postcards Dethklok made. They included photos of them and their doubles at a malt shop, at a mini-golf course, at the beach, and at the Deth Limo when it was time for the doubles to go home.

"I'm sorry," Mr. Offdenson said. "But it's clear that they refuse to understand the concept of having a double. They're too close, not to mention they're not even rehearsing for concerts."

"But think about it," I said. "This is the first time Dethklok has had real friends. If you take that away from them, they'll go through another case of the blues, one that is probably worse than the last one."

"It's a risk we may have to take."

(!)

Dethklok were watching their doubles on the TV. Their smiles were wide. The reporter said, "Well, it's a great Duncan Hills Metal Day parade here today in Pasadena, California. Dethklok looks great. They're looking healthy. They're feeling good. It's a great day. Back to you." They switched off the TV.

Murderface dialed down on his dethphone, "Hey, we just saw you on TV at the parade! Hey, when you get back we're gonna have a surprise party for you."

Nathan reached out, "Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Give me the phone!"

"Hold on! Here's Nathan."

Murderface handed Nathan the phone. "Hi. We just saw you the parade! It was great!"

"I said that already!"

"Oh, yeah, we're having a party for you when you come back. It's be gonna be awesome!"

"I said that already too!"

Pickles said. "Ask them if they want chocolate cake."

"I will. Hold on. Hold on."

Toki said, "Oh, we'll gets the bounce house."

Swisgaar said, "Tell them about the balloons!"

Nathan said excitedly, "We're gonna have balloons!" Then he saw me and Mr. Offdenson. "We got to go. Goodbye." He hung up.

"How are your friends?" I asked.

"Never mind that," Mr. Offdenson said. "What are you, uh, doing, on the phone? You're supposed to be doing your jobs."

"Jobs? I play bass not to have a job," Murderface said.

"You're supposed to be preparing for the concert. Nathan, you're in charge here. How's rehearsal coming?"

"Oh, it's, um...uh... Uh...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Good."

"Um, guys," I said cautiously. "Mr. Offdenson told me to tell you that if you keep being friends with your doubles..." I turned to Mr. Offdenson. "Please, don't make me say it! I don't want to break their hearts!"

"Tell us what?" asked Pickles.

Mr. Offdenson nudged me. "Uh...tell you that...uh...if you don't keep up with the rehearsals, Mr. Offdenson will resign the doubles. You won't see them again."

Dethklok went silent. Then Murderface shouted, "No! You can't do that to us!"

"I'm sorry," Mr. Offdenson said. "But Wood is right. You have become too clingy with your doubles and it's interfering with band practice. I'm sorry. But you will have to say goodbye to your doubles if you don't make progress."

Dethklok ran outside to talk to themselves.

(!)

The band just stared out at the evening horizon before Nathan said, "You ever think of just, you know, giving it all up? You know?"

"You mean, like, killings yourself?" asked Skwisgaar.

"No. What? No, I mean, like, stopping being big, famous becoming a regular old jack off."

Murderface asked, "And then kill yourself?"

"No, no, it's stopping being famous... Yeah...I don't know, you can kill yourself if you want to."

"You know," said Pickles. "It would be great, you know, to walk down the street, not be bothered for once."

Toki asked, "Walks where?"

"I don't know. Walk down the street."

"To where?"

"To where... I don't know, walk to the store."

"Just buys it on the internet. Haves it delivered."

"I know I can buy it on the internet, but what if I want to walk to the park and look at some swans, you know?"

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you got famous."

"Toki's right."

Secretly, I watched from afar. I lowered my head in sadness. I had no idea they ever felt this way before. I always saw them as a bunch of talented, but stupid imbeciles who often turned up smelling of whiskey, but now I saw them in a different way. I saw a group of five men who had no idea what to do with themselves if they ever lost all that fame.

(!)

At Sumatra, a reporter did his job in front of a camera. A Dethklok banner was behind him. "We're here in Sumatra, a nation built on coffee. The Sumatrans, known as a nervous, edgy and dehydrated people seem to have a calm excitement tonight as they anticipate Dethklok's performance on Condor Mountain the world-famous dormant volcano where 10,000 baristas will be brewing the largest cup of coffee."

*Cue Volcano*

In the Dethcopter, while the real Dethklok performed their song on the coffee-brewing volcano, the Left Eye knocked out the Klokateers and met the doubles. "General Crozier sent me to help you get the briefcase containing Purcell's contracts." The doubles nodded.

The Skwisgaar double fired a grappling hook at the blimp where Purcell was and he, the Nathan double, the Pickles double and the Left Eye rode the cable across the gap and entered the blimp. Meanwhile, the Toki and Murderface doubles waited on the volcano for the briefcase to be dropped while at the same time, distracted the ignorant fans.

Back on the blimp, the Left Eye knocked out Purcell and handed the briefcase to the Skwisgaar double. Then they rappelled down the blimp and onto the ground. The Left Eye contacted General Crozier. "We've got the case."

"Good," he said. "Now meet the soldiers at the rendezvous point."

"Yes, sir." The Left Eye turned to the doubles. "We're out of here. But before we go, do you feel bad leaving Dethklok?"

"Of course not," the Murderface double said. "I mean, who would want to be friends with a bunch of stupid imbeciles who often turn up smelling of whiskey?"

"I feel you, buddy."

Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling sound and the group looked to the volcano in horror. Lava mixed with coffee was pouring down the sides of the volcano, melting anything that wasn't fast enough to get out of its path. The Left Eye took no chances and snatched the brief case from the Skwisgaar double and ran down to the rendezvous point just as the lava and coffee reached the doubles.

(!)

A news report aired moments after the eruption. "What was thought to be a dormant volcano erupted after 50,000 gallons of Duncan Hills coffee was brewed inside of it. Thousands of fans were incinerated. Rumors of Dethklok being burned alive were greatly exaggerated as the band escaped unharmed."

(!)

At an ER, Mr. Offdenson met with Dehtklok and what was left of the doubles in intensive care. "Well, I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye to your doubles."

Toki whined, "Why? They still alive."

"I know they are."

"Then why do we got to say goodbye to them?"

"Because, Pickles, they no longer look like you. That was the point. Their skin is burned, they don't even have features."

Skwisgaar said desperately, "What if we burned ourselves to looks like thems? Then maybes we coulds keep them."

Murderface in the same desperate tone said, "That would work! You know it would! Come on, let's burn ourselves!"

Mr. Offdenson was firm, however, "That is out of the question, Murderface.

"You're out of the question!

"I'm afraid it's time for you to say goodbye to your doubles now."

"Let us do it," Nathan said sadly. "It's better if they hear it from us, because we're them, after all."

I patted Nathan's back. "I'm sorry. I would do anything to keep my friends too." I turned to leave with Mr. Offdenson but I stopped and asked the band, "Do you consider me a friend? And if not, would you?"

"Eh..."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I do."

(!)

At the tribunal's lair, the Left Eye presented the briefcase to them. "Mission accomplished."

"Excellent," General Crozier said. "Now that we have the contracts, we can take control of Dethklok's hold of the coffee industry." But when he opened the briefcase, he was shocked to find nothing but a pile of ashes. "What the hell?!"

The Left Eye was stunned. "They must have burned in the heat!"

Mr. Selacia made a hidden smile.

(!)

Dethklok met with their doubles at the malt shop. "Thanks for coming, us."

"You know, there's," Toki said. "There's never an easy ways to do this.

Skwisgaar nodded, "But, you know, sometimes you...we're out of options sometimes."

Pickles said, "You know business is not personal and in this case, it is, because it's us. You're us, and..."

Nathan's hands trembled. "I hate having to say this, but..."

Murderface said, "Oh... Let me explain. I got a little smoother way of explaining it, here." He took out his sawed off shotgun and stroked it a little to calm himself. "Guys...it's...You see, the thing is that..." And he accidentally squeezed the trigger, putting the doubles out of their misery.