I have to say I almost did not come back here to continue this after a private message I received about the last chapter. I have NO issues with negative reviews or folks who don't like the direction I took the story in, that is totally cool with me… but sending a nasty PM is a bit much. It was totally hateful… which was so surprising since we (me and anyone reading) have no personal connection, I never promised to make no mention of Gale to anyone here, telling me you hate me because I wrote a chapter you didn't like makes me very sad ;(
So… I apologize if you didn't like the last chapter, this may or may not be going the way you think it is…but if you don't like it, well not everything is for everyone. I'm sorry if you hate the story now…
When I wake up I am still next to Peeta and intense wave of relief comes over me. That dream really shook me up… I haven't given Gale a second thought after the last time I had seen him, in the cafeteria right before he left. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? The feeling I had in the dream, when I was with him, it didn't feel like happiness, even while we were doing those things I felt the guilt.
Peeta's chest is rising and falling in a slow rhythmic pattern and his eyes are closed softly, sleeping like this he looks so peaceful and content. I have to wonder what he is dreaming about, how I would feel if what he was thinking about was being with another woman. I didn't feel jealousy, but I knew that I should. I sit up slightly as I don't want to go back to the dream, I never want to have that dream again. I use my fingers to trace Peeta's strong jaw, and the lines of his face. He begins to rouse and I pull my hand back watch him wake.
"Mmmm Katniss…what time is it?"
I glance at the clock on my nightstand "Eight in the morning already! When will we be there?"
"No wonder I am so hungry, we're usually eating by now" he laughs because we usually rise early, habit from our years of baking and hunting. "I think we'll be there after lunch."
He hops out of bed and grabs some fresh clothing and goes straight to the bathroom, "I'll be right back"
It seems like a good idea so I gather some clothing and go to the bathroom across the hall for a shower and a change.
I take to my old habit while in the shower, I leave the water running and I sink to the ground of the tub, letting it wash over me. It's an easy place to think, no one is going to come bother me in here as long as the water is running. I settle in, hugging my knees into my body and propping my head on my arms.
My thoughts immediately turn to my dream and Gale, what could it possibly mean? I don't feel like that about Gale, it's hard to think of him without thinking about Prim and the bombs. I have so much anger myself do I belong with someone like him? Or do I need Peeta to calm me? The answer is obvious to me, Peeta has been here for me, through the games, through the war, my recovery, and now he is here with me touring the country. When I think about Peeta my stomach feels funny and fluttery, when I think about Gale there is still so much anger.
The dream wasn't like the dreams when I am with Peeta, in those dreams I feel nervous but excited, last night it felt….well not the same. I never wanted to get involved with romance for this very reason, it complicates everything, my life was so simple before…but I guess all along Peeta and Gale has a thing for me. I remember those days of being oblivious to it all, I wish that was the way things are now. At this point I am all too aware of these things.
If I had never been reaped and Gale and I had continued the way we were its likely he would have eventually confessed his attraction to me and I would probably develop the same feelings for him. But I had never thought of him that was before the games, we were hunting partners, best friends maybe, our families were very close. But I never wanted to be married, to get involved with things like romances and kissing boys. I am still amazed at how much things have changed for me. Gale and I might have been together in my past life, but not in this life where we made the bomb that killed my sister.
As I think about Gale I am surprised to feel not so much angry, but instead sadness. Sadness for the loss of what we had together in 12, a close friendship and trust, and for Prim. I decide this is a good sign and stand up in the shower, certain I have already taken up enough time. I finish washing up and get out of the shower, dry off and change. Once I have brushed the tangles out of my hair I braid it back and away from my face.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Once I get back to the room Peeta is waiting for me and I notice that I have been gone for almost an hour. He doesn't seem too concerned, his arms full of binders of information on the city.
"Ready for breakfast?" I remember he had said he was hungry, I feel selfish for taking so long when I knew he would be sitting here waiting for me, hungry, but not willing to leave me behind. He was so good to me, and in return I barely thought about his needs at all.
"Yes! I'm sorry I took so long" I grab his hand to his surprise and pull him to me. "Let's go!"
We walk down the hallway together in silence until we enter the dining car. Effie is seated at the table, holding some sort of communicator device.
"Well good morning you two, about time you made it out for breakfast. What on earth where you doing in bed so late anyhow? Wait…don't tell me I don't want to know."
My cheeks burned red at her insinuation but she kept right on going.
"OK we'll get to the District around 2pm, someone will take your things to the house you'll be staying in but you will go right to the…" she drifted off her communication device making a noise. She grabbed the device and read the screen; smiling to herself she punched in something and set it back down. "I'm sorry… I forgot where we were. But… well.. here" she thrusts a piece of paper at Peeta with our schedule and she picks up her communicator again and starts typing once more, a goofy grin on her face.
I raise a brow at Peeta, this is very unusual for Effie, being polite is a big thing with her, it didn't seem too polite to be talking with someone else while we were having a conversation. I decide to rib her a little. "So Effie who are you talking to there?" I ask her innocently.
"Oh it's no one, and it isn't any of your business anyhow." Her face is red, but its hard to tell whether it is embarrassment or anger.
Peeta joins in, winking at me "Is it a boyfriend maybe? I didn't know you were seeing someone…care to tell us who the lucky guy is?"
'Yes it is, I mean… no… no I won't tell you, there isn't anything to tell, let's just move on to something else OK?" Peeta open his mouth to say something but she stopped him, "I said drop it OK?" She was annoyed and flustered. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to raise my voice. An old friend came back into my life, I am not sure where this is going and I don't really want to discuss it with people, OK?"
Peeta and I nodded, and I feel a little bad for Effie, its clear she wants this to become something, but she's not sure what. I understand not wanting to tell people. Peeta and I had to do everything in public, it was so uncomfortable, it felt so force. The effects of our early relationship being so public are still around now. I often wonder whether what I feel for Peeta is real or only because I spent so much time pretending. Best to keep things private until everyone is sure.
Effie gets up, taking her device with her. "Well, enjoy your breakfast then." She slips off towards her room and Peeta and I are left alone with our food.
"So who do you think it could be that she doesn't want to make it public?" Peeta whispers to me, not wanting Effie to somehow overhear.
"It's hard to say, but I think it's a good idea to keep it to herself until she is more sure…a public relationship is…well you know how it is, it's hard." I answer quietly.
"It's not too hard if you are sure. I know it was tough for you during the Victory Tour, I had hoped and wished that you loved me back then, but I know that it was just false hope. For me, it was easy…I would get up on rooftops and shout about how much I love you; I would tell anyone who listened. Having you on my arm was amazing." His eyes sparkled when he talked "But you…I know it was difficult, you don't enjoy being in public, it must have been stressful to always have to be on and pretending."
I try to interrupt him, "Peeta…it wasn't like that!"
He chuckles and looks at me sideways, "Oh it's OK Katniss, I know you were pretending, well I know now, you had to do it, it's the only reason the Capital let us survive. Of course I would have rather you meant all the words you said and all the kisses but… well it's OK anyhow…you are here with me now, and I hope you mean it."
"I do! Of course I do!" I am surprised that he can even question my feelings for him anymore.
"Katniss, when do you think you stopped pretending?" he asks me seriously, taking a big bite of a bread roll and patiently giving me time to think.
I have to think hard about this one. During the first Games I know I didn't love him, I felt something for him, but it was more a sense of camaraderie, District pride, a wanting to get back to my family. We were in it together and I assumed he was pretending as well. The time we spent in the cave was tender and at times turned romantic, but I was so scared for my life I don't think I really had the capacity to love him. At the end when it was announced that we could not both win, and one of us had to die I was so angry at the Capital. I had been through so much with Peeta, we had come so far and we were about to win and be sent home to our families, I couldn't bare the thought of losing him at that point, of coming home alone.
On the Victory tour he comforted me, and I could plainly see that he felt something for me, that he loved me. But I was scared for my family and I put on a smile, grabbed his hand, and hammed it up for the cameras. But again, my anger and sadness after the games, was just so overwhelming, I began to resent him. I felt guilt for what all of the pretending was doing to Gale, and I felt badly for Peeta because he wasn't pretending but knew that I was and that hurt him deeply. Mostly I was bitter that I forced to perform, to live a lie because the people of the Capital loved the story line and the drama.
"I think it was when we went to the Quell. You were amazing, after everything you think you'd hate me, want nothing to do with me…but there you were like a rock, loving me no matter what I did. I was confident that I was going to die, I went into it with a plan to save you at any costs." I chuckled "of course I didn't know that you and Haymitch had some other plans. But there you were, holding me at night, forever optimistic, even in the face of what we were going to do. I didn't realize it was sneaking up on me but it was."
I take a deep breath, sharing this was difficult, but for me sharing anything was hard. "During the games you ran into a force field and your heart stopped. You almost died and if it hadn't been for Finnick reviving you…. Well let's say it would not have turned out well. Anyhow, while you were on the ground and he was working on you I was hysterical… I was so upset I was beside myself, I couldn't think straight. Loosing you pushes me over the edge. When you came back to me, I was so relieved, so thankful. I sobbed, and it took some time to calm me before we could continue."
"I knew that…that I care very deeply for you at that point. It wasn't just that I was trying to keep you alive…it's that you were gone and I was alone and without you, it was unbearable." Tears stung my eyes as I remembered the moment, sheer terror and an overwhelming sadness, "You were gone and I couldn't handle it…I…I couldn't go on." I look down at my plate, willing myself to stop the tears, there was no way I could have looked at Peeta.
I hadn't notice him get up but the next thing I know he was kneeling behind me and wrapping his arms around my shoulder. This was enough for me; the tears escaped from my eyes and flowed freely down my cheeks. Even thinking about the moment, though it was unlikely to ever happen again was enough to make me fall apart. "I thought…. I thought I had lost you. I wanted you to be there at the end…" I say softly.
'Katniss, I will always be here you…always. Thank you so much for saying what you did…I always wondered how you felt in the 2nd games, I thought we had a moment on the beach, I take it now that we did? I hardly remember the force field, but I do remember coming too with Finnick on top of me, you were sobbing a few feet away, it was horrible knowing I caused all of those tears."
He kissed my forehead as my tears faded and I wiped them off of my cheek. "I never want to cause you those kinds of tears again. I am here for you…if I have any choice in the matter I will never leave you."
With that I pulled back a little and smiled "I'm sorry I brought it up again…I just…that is when I think I knew there was something…different about you. On the beach….it felt different then all of the other kisses we had shared. Warmer and more real." Peeta grinned.
I took the opportunity to put my lips on his and we remained there for several moments. Rudely however we were interrupted by Effie rushing back into the room.
"You too! Honestly…it's breakfast! Its already 11am… finish eating and find something more presentable to wear, we'll be there soon!" Effie flees from the room after making the announcement. Peeta and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.