The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon , but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers). Super special Friday update today! Getting some more circulation (or, at least, trying...).

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First I wanted to go back to Omega. Fuck that asshole, he still thought he was in charge. I fucking blew up his asshole transmitter so Lawson had to handle communications. She said he was talking about some team he sent to a derelict Reaper they found, how the scientists there went quiet, how it might have a friend/foe signal for us to be able to use the Omega Four relay. Like I said, no idea what the fuck they were talking about, I was just along for the ride. I let the AI figure how out to get us through the relay, how to come out safely. If the Collectors were on the other side, I want to go fuck them up…can't get there safely without this IFF nonsense, so might as well go get it.

No hurry, though. There hadn't been a big colony raid in a few weeks and that Reaper was dead in space. Scientists, who gives a shit about them…Cerberus employees so they deserved whatever came to them. Should've known that if you listen to the Illusive Fuck, you're probably going to end up dead. Maybe some experiment, whatever you want; you'd still be dead.

I wanted a stop at Omega, first. Figured that, before we delved into hell, I'd fucking have a good time. I was badass there, again. Went back to Hell, had a fucking blast. Jackie and I, fuckin' like bunnies on the dance floor...

And yes, despite popular opinion, I do know how to dance.

Fucking killed a few guys who thought they'd test their toughness against me. Took them to a back alley, ripped out their insides… Squish goes the lungs. Snap goes the head fringes. Left a few turians alive, but took of their manly parts…neutered them.

Shepard smirks.

So yeah, typical time, having a goddamn blast.

A question.

Oh yeah! Wow, completely forgot about that... The mission Samara needed done, she says her target is on the goddamn station when we get there! Her prey was her fucking daughter, by the way… More fucking family issues! Goddamn, everyone in the fucking galaxy had something wrong with their family. Didn't know shit compared to me.

Samara's spawn, though, I had to kill it because it was an Ardi… I don't know what the Asari word is. Lets call it a "soul sucker." Fucking genetic mutation asari that causes brain bleeding when it sexes you up.

Why the hell not help out? Figured we go after it...I don't want a fucking brain sucker goddamn alien running around. I liked killing regular asari let alone fucking mutants. Didn't realize that it was as powerful as its mother, though…

Samara, her idea, she says I lure the thing, its name was Morinth, out into the open. Her plan was for me to be noticeable at a bar and make a big ruckus… Ha ha, that's me fucking anywhere. I made a big deal out of little shit in the club, met the weird blue animal, it takes me back to its place. Now this is the part where I'd fuck the shit out of a human girl. They'd invite me back to her place? Fucking invite to her pussy. Wild goddamn sex, in and out for hours… She'd never fucking recover… One woman guy, though, with Jackie around. I never thought Johnny would be loyal to someone.

Shepard hesitates, but recovers.

Now, this Morinth thing, Samara wanted to kill it, because she felt responsible for it being around. Problem is, this bitch-thing is getting all close to me trying to suck my soul out or whatever the fuck it did. Jackie did plenty of sucking for me, heh. Blue alien? No thanks. I had a bit of a problem with that… So I attacked it. Figured it'd be a quick biotic shove, kick, and a head stomp. Nope, goddamn biotic shoving match happened.

It got surprised that I didn't fall for its "advances." The mutant, it didn't realize that I don't swing towards blue things with squid hair so the two of us were in for a nasty fight. Not a physical one, though, pretty much two biotic walls pushing at each other. And it was quite a goddamn push… Soul suckers are pretty goddamn powerful… It was a stalemate for a while. The room was just two walls of energy bubbling up against each other. I was shoving as hard as I could, with my biotics, probably overloading my amp. Fucking blood pouring out of my nose, she was shaking from the effort to keep me back.

Pully, you ever been really angry?

Reply.

Didn't think so…I was getting pissed off at the lack of action in our little shoving match. The Justicar, she was supposed to be showing up soon, but I didn't want any help…this turned into my fight as soon as Morinth showed how powerful it was. So I reached way down deep…thought about First Contact, turians, batarians, goddamn Saren, Williams, the Reapers fucking being dicks, Collectors killing me… And I fucking willed a wall of energy at the bitch…

It didn't know what hit it…a biotic explosion type thing and Morinth goes flying against the wall, I jump towards it immediately. Tired as all hell, but time for the killing blow. Pinned it's neck to the ground; I was fucking wide eyed and goddamn scary...I saw it in its eyes. Morinth started to beg for it's life. Told me how it could help me, blah blah. A good old fashioned duel that I fucking won…One on one, no one can take me down…I beat Widow, Saren, the Matriarch, every fucking body. Stood over top of it, the soul sucker was stunned. Boot up, boot down, crunch, a good fucking fight was done.

Ha ha ha, Samara walks in right as I'm wiping off my boot. All wide eyed, "Shepard are you alright?" Of course I was!

Comment and a question, again.

She cared about me? Um, no way. She fucking objected to everything I did, actually told me she'd have to kill me after her weird little oath was broken. Hell, she was pissed off because I fucking killed her daughter for her. It took me one goddamn try and the good old Justicar had been trying for years. Damn, asari…can be so goddamn powerful but can be so goddamn fucking prissy, too. Samara, she was pissed off at me for taking down her little mutant without her...hey, the job got done, don't fucking complain.

So yeah, that was my big adventure on Omega that time. Fun little side fight, got a great fight. Doc Chak was particularly upset about the strain I put on my amp…eh, nothing fucking happened anyway. No overload, no problem, right?

Interviewer murmurs.

Hey, it didn't happen, why should I worry about it? Out of sight out of goddamn mind…

A request for Shepard to continue.

Okay, well that was my little stint with the soul sucker. Fucking mutant…

So, Omega, last time I saw it for a while. We hung out there for a week or so, but the Collectors had made an attack on a colony so I guess it was time to find the Reaper code signal thing so the Normandy could get through the Omega Four relay. The bugs' home base was on the other side and that's where we needed to go. The derelict Reaper was our best lead apparently. Once again, I don't do detective work; Johnny doesn't connect the dots, I shoot them.

Said that before, didn't I? Running out of catch phrases, I guess…

But it was time to pack up... Collectors were moving, revenge is sweet and I needed it soon. I was getting bored with this whole chasing nonsense so time to get our tech shit! Dead fucking Reaper here we fucking come. Goddamn, it couldn't be easy, either. We find this dead Reaper, Cerberus scientists were silent, and I didn't have a good feeling about it. I figured it was some Indoctrination, they turned into husks, some shit...

That's exactly what happened, too. A ton of husks limping around the walk-ways the Cerberus fuckers built. Easy fight, though, because I had most of the team with me...we're walking into a a dead Reaper, an ancient fucking machine. Backup, backup, backup, Pulitzer. I'm no pussy, but I'm also not a fucking dumbass. Ever since the goddamn Beacon I don't fuck with old fucking tech. So, really, other than being a creepy goddamn place, nothing really happened there. Killed the husks and there was this weird pressure on our minds. Indoctrination?

Eh. You can't Indoctrinate Johnny Shepard!

A short question.

Legion? The geth? Oh yeah, we found him there. I'm still not quite sure why he was there. Seriously, why would a single geth be hanging out on a Reaper? It's not like he was following me because it was there first. For some reason the guy had my armor from the first Normandy on, too. A weird little guy, that Legion. The robot talked, fit in well with the crew once we activated it. Cerberus offered to buy the geth off me, but I'm not giving the Illusive dickhead a fucking fancy geth. He'd probably keep it in his base and have it fight me later...that fucking asshole.

You know what? I'm glad that all those scientists were dead; bitch ass Cerberus dicks, for one. Second, they would've found Legion and sent him to that fucker. I used the geth to fight and he was a damn powerful ally. Helped me with the quarians...but that's later. He was good...

A comment and question.

Huh, I guess I did call the geth a "he." That is kind of weird, you're right, Pully. Ha, you won't hear me say that often. But, yeah, I guess Legion was a he. A good fighter, a good ally, solid mind.

A murmur from the interviewer.

Oh shut the fuck up, Pully! Microchip, processor, whatever... You know what I fucking me, no need to correct me. Goddamn...

Legion fucking proved that the geth weren't just fucking mindless robots, okay? A more deserving race than most in the fucking galaxy. So, yeah, he. Legion deserved his name. The geth deserve some goddamn recognition. Efficient, damn smart, good fucking fighters... Hey, like I said before, give the quarians credit. They make solid machines...

The interviewer is surprised.

Come on, Pully, just because I like sterilizing krogan and neutering turians doesn't mean that I'm a xenophobe!

A rebuttal.

Ha ha ha, okay, okay. So maybe I'm a bit human-centric or whatever you want to call it. But it's not like the aliens don't deserve it. Fucking killing people in First Contact, going nuts on the galaxy because they're fucking talking dinosaurs, sickly purple people stuck in enviro-suits... Fuck them... If I had my way, the Reapers would've killed all the turians and batarians. Shit, though, if I had my way sh... No, we're not talking about that. Caught myself again, Pulitzer.

Shepard hesitates and breathes deep.

Ahhh, I don't want to riled up so close to the fun part, right?

...Well not the good part quite yet. I mean, this was pretty damn entertaining and all that shit. I had the wonderful privilege of working with the new and improved Dr. T'soni, the one that would flay someone alive with her mind. That's shit that even Johnny wouldn't do...I scalped Fist and that's the closest I was ever getting to peeling skin off... Well, outside of my own because it's fucking neat. Peeling other people's skin off? Yeah, no thanks. I'll fuck you up in so many goddamn ways, but I'm not dealing with that shit again. I'll gladly blow your brains through the back of your skull, beat you to death with your own leg, shit like that. You might not distinguish the them, Pully, but there is a fucking difference to us badasses.

Anyway, back to T'soni, the "information broker." She was like a mini-Shadow Broker...and she wanted to go after the big guy himself. A challenge, an effort to take out one of the biggest mysteries in the goddamn galaxy. I was fucking in from the start.

The interviewer is unintelligible.

Why would I help her? Eh, I wasn't really helping her, Pully, it was like the Tuchanka thing. It was fun, it was a challenge, and it would help me a lot. Going through the Omega Four Relay, it'd be nice to have some information... or something. Lawson probably could have used it, I don't fucking know. She was all worked up still over Taylor's "death," so something to calm her down was good. Hey, she was a good biotic, not like that shitty Imabiotic fucker...

And apparently the Shadow Broker was working with the Collectors, too. Fucking helping the bugs? That's signing your own fucking death warrant. So three reasons to help out the good Doctor: fun, information, and the Broker was a fucking dick. So I went to Illium to meet up with T'soni.

Well, long story short, the Doctor became the Shadow Broker. Fucking stupid ass mission, waste of my goddamn time. Do you know what the best fucking part was? I got fucking hammered. Holy shit, I was gone. I raided T'soni's station while we were on Illium in her apartment...

Tali and Garrus came along; they snooped and dug around while I just laid on the couch, drinking T'soni's liquor.

Shepard grins.

She had good fucking shit, too. Quality scotch from Earth, actually. I guess asari developed a taste for the stuff. Kasumi seemed to find it a lot, but never good brands. Maybe she kept them in her bar... That bitch! Fucking Goto, keeping that shit from me? Damnit...

Fuck, I was living off of bottom shelf shit for that whole time? Damn, I should've just stayed on Illium and mooched off of Liara's fucking stash. Shit, I wish I could fucking choke out Kasumi right now. But she would probably go all invisible to hide from me...

Anyway, I could fucking talk about good liquor all day. Not a big tequila guy, that's how you get people to throw the hell up. Everywhere. Screaming party girls always seem to love the shit, though. Preyed on that on shore leave all the time. Get a loose girl, "Oh you're Alliance?" Blamo, score for Johnny. Vodka, eh, there's better drinks, rum is g...

The interviewer is disgusted.

What? Sure, I got fucking drunk. Drove around Illium in a cab, chased another fucking traitor ass Spectre, seeing fucking triple. Maybe there were three bad guy Spectres? Ha ha ha, fucking ridiculous. I was still drunk when I found the Broker in some random system!

But the Broker...the ultimate fucking suit. He sad behind a desk while everyone else did his dirty work. Pussy...go out and do it yourself. Like Widow did...

Anyway, we killed the Broker, the Doctor decided to take over for some fucking reason. I guess it worked out because she had about a trillion fucking resources during the Reaper War.

Pully, do you know what the worst part about the fucking Broker mission, though?

An answer.

Yeah, how did you know about that? Joker fucked up. Again. When we were going after the fucking suit, I left the fucking ship in his hands. For ten minutes while we raided the Broker's station. The fucking Collectors attacked my ship. They found it using that goddamn IFF that the fucking AI and Joker installed. Holy shit... The only reason that fucking asshole was still breathing after that particular fuck up was because he was the only person who could fly that fucking beast of a ship. The Normandy wasn't like your average freighter.

Those fucking bugs, though. Attacked my ship, again. Took the crew while they were at it, but that wasn't important. They fucked with me. The bugs just didn't learn their lesson: Don't fuck with Johnny Shepard. I was goddamn furious. No more waiting...

Time to go smash some ant hills in, right?

A/N: Thanks for reading everyone. We're almost to the end of ME2! This chapter is more of a mashup; a drunk Shepard wouldn't exactly pay attention to the Shadow Broker and why would he want to go to the geth base so close to the end?

Lots of reviews for extra chapters? I'm having trouble finishing some of them (or even starting for that matter). I did modify the opening of the story a bit. Just a short blurb, really.

I DO want to address LotSB. I always felt that the mission should be done before Shepard goes through the Relay. Why not complete every mission, including taking down the biggest information source in the galaxy, when you're on a "Suicide Mission." If I were in that position, there is no way I would leave that stone unturned if there was a possibility of not making it back through. In all my playthroughs of ME2, I do LotSB before the end. That's just me though.

Until next time...