Chapter 25
AFTER a week spent in professions of love and schemes of felicity, Colin was called from his amiable Charlotte by the arrival of Saturday. The pain of separation, however, might be alleviated on his side, by preparations for the reception of his bride, as he had reason to hope that shortly after his next return into Hertfordshire, the day would be fixed that was to make him the happiest of men. He took leave of his relations at Longbourn Tower with as much solemnity as before; wished his fair cousins health and happiness again, and promised their father another letter of thanks.
On the following Monday, Mrs. Bennet had the pleasure of receiving her brother and his wife, who came as usual to spend the Christmas at Longbourn Tower. Mr. Gardiner was a sensible, gentlemanlike man, greatly superior to his sister, as well by nature as education. The Netherfield Tower ladies would have had difficulty in believing that a man who lived by selling second hand cars, and within view of his own garage, could have been so well bred and agreeable. Mrs. Gardiner, who was several years younger than Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Philips, was an amiable, intelligent, elegant woman, and a great favourite with all her Longbourn Tower nieces. Between the two eldest and herself especially, there subsisted a very particular regard. They had frequently been staying with her in Gracechurch Street.
The first part of Mrs. Gardiner's business on her arrival, was to distribute her presents and describe the newest fashions. When this was done, she had a less active part to play. It became her turn to listen. Mrs. Bennet had many grievances to relate, and much to complain of. They had all been very ill-used since she last saw her sister. Two of her girls had been on the point of getting pregnant, and after all there was nothing in it.
``Jane ain't to blame,'' she continued, ``for Jane would have trapped Bingley, if she could. But, Lizzy! Oh, sister! She is just a perverse little bitch. She should be married to Colin by now but oh no, she told him to fuck off so now we're all fucked. Homeless as soon as that useless piece of shit that I have to call husband dies. And now old Lady upstairs is lording it over me just because she's managed to get that butch eldest daughter of hers off her hands and I'm sure she comes down here to have a cup of tea just so that she can plan what she's gonna do with this flat after Bennet is dead. Them Lucases are all out for what they can get. I'm on the verge of another fucking nervous breakdown, I don't mind telling you. Not that anybody gives a shit. But anyway it's good to have you to stay and it's a relief to hear that Kate Middleton has lowered her hem lines 'cos her knees put me off me dinner. You don't happen to have any valium on you, do you? ''
Mrs. Gardiner, to whom the chief of this news had been given before, in the course of Jane and Elizabeth's correspondence with her, made her sister a slight answer, and, in compassion to her nieces, turned the conversation.
When alone with Elizabeth afterwards, she spoke more on the subject. ``Innit a shame about Jane and that Bingley bloke. Sounds like she would have been quids in if she could have got pregnant by him.'' said she. ``Pain in the arse that it didn't work out. But these things happen so often! A young bloke like Bingley, can fall in love so easily after being blown behind the wheelie bins a few times but when he has to be a bunk from the rossers he soon forgets and is soon getting blown behind some other wheelie bin in some other town by some other girl. I think Jane should come and visit me and I'll try and get her a job at the lap dancing club where I used to work before I met your mum's brovver. There's lots of loaded men go there and even if she don't meet no one steady she can still make a packet by doing extras after hours.''
``An excellent consolation in its way,'' said Elizabeth, ``but I'm still pissed off that he done a bunk 'cos he was well into Jane. It's 'cos his sisters and mate hated us because they reckoned we was pikies. ''
``But that expression of "he was well into Jane" is so hackneyed, so doubtful, so you mean it? Was he really gagging for it?''
``I never saw a more promising bulge in anybody's jeans. He didn't take no notice of no one when he was talking to her. He was totally engrossed by her cleavage. Every time they met, it was more obvious. At his own cheese and wine party he offended two or three girls by not asking them to show him their tits, and I spoke to him twice myself without receiving an answer 'cos he couldn't take his eyes of Jane's tits. Basically, he was being a rude bastard so obviously it was love, yeah.
``Just sounds like he wanted a tit wank. Poor Jane, all that time spent flaunting her tits and she didn't even get a shag. She's not the type to get over it quick, like. Should have been you Lizzy. You would have waited so long and then just taken matters into your own hands even if it meant spiking his drink with a cocktail of rohypnol and viagra. I reckon the best thing is for Jane to come back with us. Change of scene and all that and she can earn some pocket money and meet some new blokes if I manage to get her a job at Spearmint Rhino.
Elizabeth was exceedingly pleased with this proposal, and felt persuaded of her sister's ready acquiescence.
``I hope,'' added Mrs. Gardiner, ``that she ain't gonna bank on meeting that Bingley fella while she's with us 'cos we ain't gonna bump into him in Cheapside. But having said that we have got some nice shops now but still nowhere really decent to fucking eat. Unless he makes the effort to come and visit. Our Marks is nice and never too crowded and a TKMaxx has opened up opposite and we've got a small house of Fraser. If he wants to eat then there's the McDonalds on Cannon Street."
``Nah, he ain't gonna visit. His mate Darcy will see to that. I'm sure they don't venture outside of the WC1 postcode without a tetanus jab and a taser. Darcy won't come so nor will Bingley. They're right fucking bum chums. That Bingley needs to grow a pair."
``Good, so they ain't gonna meet but don't Jane text his sister? What if she wants to come round and have a girly afternoon of painting leopard spots on her nails and shit?''
``Nah, she won't.''
But in spite of the certainty in which Elizabeth affected to place this point, as well as the still more interesting one of Bingley's being withheld from seeing Jane, she felt a solicitude on the subject which convinced her, on examination, that she did not consider it entirely hopeless. It was possible, and sometimes she thought it probable, that his affection might be re-animated, and the influence of his friends successfully combated by the more natural influence of Jane's attractions.
Miss Bennet accepted her aunt's invitation with pleasure; and the Bingleys were no otherwise in her thoughts at the time, than as she hoped that, by Caroline's not living in the same house with her brother, she might occasionally spend a morning with her, without any danger of seeing him.
The Gardiners stayed a week at Longbourn Tower; and what with the Philipses, the Lucases, and the officers, there was not a day without its engagement. Mrs. Bennet had so carefully provided for the entertainment of her brother and sister, that they did not once sit down to a home cooked dinner. When the engagement was for home, some of the officers always made part of it, of which officers Walid was sure to be one; and on these occasions, Mrs. Gardiner, rendered suspicious by Elizabeth's warm commendation of him, narrowly observed them both. Without supposing them, from what she saw, to be very seriously in love, their preference of each other was plain enough to make her a little uneasy; and she resolved to speak to Elizabeth on the subject before she left Hertfordshire, and represent to her the imprudence of encouraging such an attachment.
To Mrs. Gardiner, Walid had one means of affording pleasure, unconnected with his general powers. About ten or a dozen years ago, before her marriage, she had spent a considerable time in that very part of Derbyshire to which he belonged. They had, therefore, many acquaintance in common; and, though Walid had been little there since the death of Darcy's father, five years before, it was yet in his power to give her fresher intelligence of her former friends, than she had been in the way of procuring.
Mrs. Gardiner had grown up on the Pemberley council estate, and known the late Mr. Darcy by character perfectly well. Indeed, on many occasions he had stood at his bedroom window and flashed her in the mornings as she hurried for her bus, but that only happened if she wore her school uniform and her hair in pigtails. Here, consequently, was an inexhaustible subject of discourse. In comparing her recollection of Pemberley council estate with the minute description which Walid could give, and in bestowing her tribute of praise on the character of its late possessor, she was delighting both him and herself. On being made acquainted with the present Mr. Darcy's treatment of him, she tried to remember something of that gentleman's reputed disposition, when quite a lad, which might agree with it, and was confident at last that she recollected having heard Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy formerly spoken of as a right fucking tosser.