Next chapter's got a big chunk done, so shouldn't be too long before it comes out. In the meantime, enjoy everyone being themselves.

Published August 4, 2012

Painful Interlude

-In the Sacred Realm-

Din gathered her fellow goddesses around the chess board she had set up upon a pedestal of light, rubbing her hands together fiendishly. "All the pieces are set," she said, running her fingers across the chess pieces depicting Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, Midna, Zant, and everyone else of importance. "Only time can tell which of our champions will prevail."

"HEY! TIME!" The rarely seen Goddess of Time turned her head at Nayru's call. "WHO'S GONNA WIN?"

"Obviously-"

"Don't you dare ruin my fun!" Din screamed, fire flaring around her feet. "Fuck that noise, we are going to have nothing to do for the next three hundred years! I want this one to last, dammit!" She slammed her fist on the board for emphasis, accidentally snapping the Ganondorf figurine in half. "Shit."

Farore rolled her eyes as the Goddess of Power tried to tape it back together. "I once thought: 'Why do we have just one goddess dedicated to wisdom? Surely all of us are intelligent beings?' I've learned the answer over the years."

-Hyrule Castle-

"Why does my spine hurt?"

-Telma's Bar-

"Sorry hun, if you're underage I can't serve you."

Link placed his sack of rupees on the counter. "I have a lot of money. Please, I just need to get hammered for one night. I want to forget my problems for a bit."

Near his foot, the eye of Morpheel tilted. "Wait, alcohol is a depressaAH!" A whip came out of Link's pack and smacked the ball across the room.

"Besides, the structure of law is a mess right now," Link continued. "With the giant glowing octahedron floating around the castle, I'm certain the guards are worrying about some bigger problems."

In the corner, several guards were discussing their future plans. "So... do we even have a job anymore?"

"I'm not sure... The Captain was in that big... thing as far as I know. We haven't gotten orders in over a month, can't really put people in the dungeons..."

"Maybe we need to take this into our own hands. Start up our own system of law, elect a leader to fill in."

"Someone rich, so we can get a paycheck."

"Oh yes."

"Definitely."

"I haven't bought food in weeks."

"Then it's agreed. Now, who's rich?"

"The Princess is rich!"

"Yes, but she's in the castle."

"How do you know?"

"What?"

"Maybe she got out."

"If she got out, we'd know."

"But what if she's in hiding?"

"How could the Princess be in hiding? She's a Princess, she's easy to notice!"

"Could be disguised."

"As what?"

"A ninja."

"A-A ninja?! You could have said a beggar, a civvie, but a ninja? Why would you say a ninja?"

"Hey, you never know!"

The door to the bar opened, Diababa's head poking through. Many inhabitants became terrified. "Hi. I was just running around, checking things out, browsing the shops, kissed a baby, not allowed back there, looked at the castle, everything's on fire. Was someone smoking? That's bad for the environment, what bastards! Fyrus, Stallord, let's go take down whoever's in that castle."

"Fyrus fight final boss!" The giant smashed the halves of his bridge together, further shattering them both, and stampeded out of the city.

"He'll be back. Stallord?"

"Storm the castle with no preparation you say?"

"Yup!"

"...Sure, why not, I've got time to kill people!"

Link grumpily took a seat at the table, looking down at his mug full of milk. "I'm sure this will make me forget my troubles," he grumbled, swirling it around.

"Do not doubt the potency of what appears to be simple milk!" Morpheel shouted, bouncing up onto the other side of the table and knocking a chair across the room in the process. "I have seen greater men than you fall under its power. Besides, milk is delicious! If you will not appreciate it, give it to me!"

"Fine, fine, I'll drink the damn milk."

"No, I've changed my mind, give it to me anyway!" The eye charged the mug, missing thanks to Link's faster reactions. "GIVE ME THAT MILK!"

"Calm down! Just get your own glass if you want it so much."

"As a greater being than you petty mortals, I have learned many things over the years. One of these is that despite my omnipotent status, mortals refuse to bow to me when I lack the funds to acquire their services. Now give me that MILK!"

Majora cackled wickedly.

Link shook his pack with his free hand. "Shut up back there. How about I pay for your glass, all right?"

"You may pay for your own glass and relinquish that one!" Morpheel made a bounce for the white gold, missing. His fall hit a nearby table at just the angle to flip it upside-down.

"Why are you making this so difficult?!"

-Outside-

"What's the plan for getting through?" Stallord asked from next to the glowing barrier, a tingling sensation telling him that getting close would be a bad idea.

"HELLO! WE WANT IN!"

"I think you're the smartest being I know."

"Thank you! HELLO? I CAN SEE YOU, I THINK..."

From atop the turrets inside the barrier, Kaepora Gaebora fluttered down to land on the ground across from them. "My, I didn't expect to see two such as you in a place like this so early."

"Hi birdie!" Diababa waved.

"Er, hello. I am Kaepora Gaebora, constant watcher of this ill-fated land. A truly dark power has spread from the farthest peaks to the closest streets of this country. Indeed, its days are numbered unless your quest..." He paused, tilting his head at them. "You're... not going to interrupt me?"

"No, that would be so rude." Diababa quickly shook her head.

"I'll save my questions for the end," Stallord said.

"Wow. I... don't know what to say... Ahem!" The owl's back straightened, chin held high. "The journey you are embarked upon will be a perilous one. No easy task lies ahead, your skills will be constantly put to the test. First, do you believe you are prepared for your quest?"

"Yup!"

"My teeth are as sharp as ever!"

Kae Gae nodded. "Then..." He trailed off, beak slowly coming to a stop. "I... didn't prepare this far ahead, I never expected to reach it. Hm. Come back to me after you've obtained a mirror shard or two, I'll be ready by then. Well, good luck!" The giant owl flew back to his post.

Stallord blinked, slowly turning to Diababa. "So... now what?"

"I shall ask the plants!" Diababa dove to the ground, pressing her eye just a millimetre from a nearby blade of grass. "What's our next goal, little one?"

"You must find the Mirror of Twilight..."

Stallord jerked his head that way so fast that he'd have broken his neck if he had one. "Did that grass just talk?!"

"Shhh! Thank you little guy!" Diababa gave the blade of grass a kiss, melting it completely. "Let's go find the Mirror of Twilight, Stally!" She began bouncing away, humming jovially as the streets below cracked and shattered with every impact.

Her cohort's eyes were still staring at where the grass had been. Upon realizing that the hyperactive plant monster was gaining a lot of distance he shot after her. "Hold up, talking grass, someone explain please, that is not normal!"

"It is the nature of things..."

"No, no it isn't! Killing is natural, not talking plants!"

"I'm gonna do a somersault! Weee!" She did.

"T-that's nice, now... plant... talk... help... hurt... head..."

Far behind them, a small Twili emerged from the shadows of the grass. "Finally, that's should get them going." Midna's next target would be Link.

She floated through the darkness, staying hidden from the masses until reaching the insides of Telma's bar. The invisibility was dropped by the shock of seeing the location trashed, splintered tables laying scattered across the floor, chair legs impaled into wall, ceiling and person alike, and in the middle of the carnage were Link and Morpheel. The not-hero was face down, arms and legs spread with a small blotch of red near his head. A few feet away, Morpheel was enjoying a nice puddle of milk. "So good..."

"What the hell happened?!"

"I wanted milk."

"Mhmmhmhmhmhhm..." Link's arm twitched.

Midna glanced to the side of the room. The bar where Telma normally stood was empty. "We're going, now. Before Telma gets back and sees this."

"Kay..." Link didn't move.

Their guide hovered near Morpheel, crossing her arms and looking down at him. "Give him some milk, he needs the health replenishment."

"NO! I worked hard for this!"

"Do it or I'm finding the Boritae and giving you to him."

Morpheel's pupil shrunk. The ultimatum ran through his mind several times, other choices flashing up every so often. Eventually, he concluded to take the path of least resistance.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME!" And he was out the door.

"Great job splitting the party, that always goes well," Majora commented while she fed Link some floor-milk, cackling. The boy rose, coughing up a chunk of something red as he did. "You're falling short of my expectations, Midna."

"Eat me." She slapped Link on the back. "Get up and get out of here."

"I probably could with how small you are. My more powerful form does have a mouth after all." If Majora had shoulders it would shrug.

"That's very nice to know. Let's go."

Link let out a powerful burst of coughs, staggering toward the door. That eyeball had a powerful... bounce. "Better... kind of..." He fell flat the second he was outside.

-Meanwhile-

Fyrus' journey came to a halt when he encountered a civilian. "Hello puny grass person!"

"Hello!" the small girl said, not looking back as she picked through the bushes. "You're out in the field at this time of day. That tells me that you must love bugs too!" It was currently one in the afternoon. If Fyrus hadn't run through most of their caravans, many people would have been out and about.

"Fyrus loves puny green things! So soft and stompy and sharp."

"Wonderful- Look!" She pointed over the bushes. "It's a Mias Calpia, the rarest of all bugs in this area!" Ahead, a tiny black dot, likely an insect of sort, buzzed in circles. "Such a glorious creature..."

"Fyrus see dot!"

"Ah, you see the beauty of it. I know you would be like me. Allow me to introduce myself: I am princess of the bug kingdom, Agitha. I currently search to deliver my invitation to twenty-four golden bugs of the world, to invite them to the ball, but I am unsure as to where their mailing addresses are." True to her word, she had a pile of letters sitting just behind her.

"Fyrus can deliver letters. Fyrus knows where to find puny shiny dots." He picked up the papers extremely carefully. Stopping to stare at them for a few seconds, he did what Link always does and simply tucked them away behind his back despite having nothing there to hold them in. It... worked.

Eyes still locked on the spinning bug, she nodded happily. "Oh thank you! I shall make sure there is a place for you there as well, Mr..."

"Fyrus!"

"Mr. Fyrus, I thank you in advance."

-Castle Town-

As Link hobbled toward the town's exit, intent on finding his missing comrades, he was intercepted. A man with baggy, bright robes, a tall hat and a huge, bushy beard approached him. "Hello, excuse me sir. For the sake of peace in Hyrule, would you please make a donation?"

Link stopped, cradling his left arm while balancing on his right leg. "What exactly would I be donating to?"

"Er... the Peace Corps."

He blinked. Sounded reasonable enough, no one would have lied to him back home about this kind of thing... "Sure, why not." He dropped a red rupee in the man's hand.

The strangely dressed Hylian looked down at the money, surprise across his face. "Seriously, that- Er... May the spirit of love descend upon you. Your donation shall be put to use." He speedily walked away, breaking into a run just as he rounded a corner.

"Are you serious?" Midna's voice whispered.

"...Yeah?"

"...Let's go. Go get the mirror."

Link nodded, limping toward the gate once again. "Right. The mirror. Where do we find that?"

"Mountains, grove, heavens," Majora piped in. "There's a large mountain range just past the Zora's place if you'd like to start there."

"That's surprisingly helpful of you." Midna glared at the sack on Link's back. "What's the catch?"

"The fun here has been had, that's all, hehehehehe..." It was a transparent lie.

-Elsewhere-

"Where are we going?" Stallord asked. He and Diababa travelled through a canyon to the east of Castle Town, high cliffs on both sides. "I wasn't listening when those guys told us where to go, I was imagining important things like who we'd get to fight."

"The Mirror of Twilight, silly."

"I know, but where is that?"

Diababa stopped, eye slowly rising as she reflected. Tapping the ground with one of her bulbous 'hands', a landslide started up in an adjacent canyon to block off the only road into a nearby village. All inhabitants would be starved by the end of the day. "...Mountains. I remember mountains!"

"All right, which mountains? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of mountain ranges in the world."

"The ones... north! North is cold, and mountains are cold, so mountains are north!"

"Well, it's cold north because it's a barren wasteland that gets very little sunlight, isn't it? And mountains tend to be located near fault lines-"

"To the north, the place of no plants! There, I will spread the joy of nature by exposing that sad land to beautiful flora! I'm so excited, let's go!"

Before he could argue further, Stallord was grabbed by the horn and painful tugged toward the northern lands.