A/N: Sorry for this extremely long wait, I've been so distracted recently and have had no inspiration for ItaSasu and I'm sorry that this chapter probably isn't up to the best of standards. I'm just finding Itachi's POV hard.
Chapter 25
Itachi's POV
Hearing the front door open from downstairs, I slipped the note into my pocket; after all it was for me though in truth I can't decide what now to do with it. Part of me wanted to put it into a box somewhere hidden like a memory, something not worth looking at but important enough not to be forgotten. Then I wanted to put it up somewhere that I could look at it, to constantly remind myself what I had done, so I wouldn't do it again and to remind myself of how much Sasuke means to me and me to him. However another side of me wanted me to just burn it and get it over with so I would never have to relive anything from that part of my past ever again although I don't think I would have the heart to destroy something as precious as Sasuke's words.
I sighed deeply to myself, shaking the thought to the back of my mind realising that there was a good chance that Sasuke had just come back, giving me time to go and see him. I made my way back down the stairs towards the lounge hearing the doors lock click back into the latch.
"Sasuke you're back, I've been waiting. Itachi's here," I heard my father speak, I recognized the slight annoyance in his voice, I wasn't sure though what to make of it typically because by the looks of things it is late at night and Sasuke clearly didn't have permission to be out, so was our father in the right? Though I always knew he had a habit of punishing Sasuke far harsher than he ever me, come on even I know that I was most certainly the favourite not that I ever chose to be. I guess I was just the first born 'perfect' son that my father had already had gotten what he wanted meaning that he never even gave Sasuke a second glance. I always remember Sasuke when he was a lot younger, where he still had that innocence towards our father, that he thought that if he did well he could try and impress our father into liking him better, and bless his soul he tried. My brother had always been the stubborn type, never giving up…the amount of times he tried…
I walked into the hallway straight away catching a glimpse of Sasuke looking well…it was surprisingly hard to tell, he was frowning however his eyes told me a totally different story, I couldn't tell if he was scared or just extremely disappointed. Something told me he most definitely wasn't expecting me here…or even our father to be here. Playing truancy are we Sasuke?
"Good evening Sasuke or should I say very late evening, I've been waiting a while you know. I refused to leave until I saw you. It's past twelve where the hell have you been?" I asked softly trying to at least relieve some tension in the room, I knew I probably sounded like one of those typical caring older brother right now…not that I wasn't one because of course I do care. Though the look I got off Sasuke instantly told me that right now, he really didn't appreciate the concern. I had to admit I felt a little insecure for Sasuke as now he had both his family members giving him a stern glare, especially because everyone knows that the Uchiha's have the best glares.
"Out," he replied bluntly which somewhat surprised me, his tone was most certainly the harshest I had heard within the last few days, he slipped his hands into his hoodie pockets and quickly reverted his gaze away from both of us. Is he trying to ignore me?
"Sasuke, watch your manners. You're talking to your brother," father added strictly, his voice laced with anger yet it wasn't upfront, I noticed Sasuke flinch slightly at his words, he didn't look like he noticed himself. Something felt wrong. I can trust my instincts, I have done for so many years, I know that they have gotten me through many bad situations before.
"Sorry," he apologized mordantly, clearly not meaning it…what was up with him? This is not Sasuke, this scene was clearly not right.
It was like he was putting up some kind of wall, that he was somewhat blocking our presence, putting up some kind of protective emotional shield. I knew that this was not normal, I knew Sasuke never really could hide his emotions like this, and the emotional states that he has been in over the last few days truly proved that even after all these years he still isn't capable of pulling off a stunt like that. Has father got something to do with? I know he doesn't act like this around me, and I know that I haven't been imagining things.
"I best be going then, it was pleasant to see you again father, Otouto. I'll see you in school on Monday," I spoke with an etiquette nod just to get an eye roll of Sasuke. I tried to keep in character, Fugaku still thought highly of me and I didn't want to change that, at least this was I know I won't get any hassle from him. At least being in my father's good books meant that I could carry on my life as it states without having him interrupting me and that also means that if I need anything it is still possible to use him as a…convenient utility to get what I want.
"It was a pleasure, feel free to visit whenever you want," my father…smiled. Taking his eyes fully away from Sasuke for a split second, what an unpredictable experience it is to see my father smile.
"Can I please have a second to say goodbye to Sasuke properly," I asked, it would give me chance to ask if anything is wrong and also to see if it is my father that has someone agitated him in some way, after all I hadn't seen him so tense like this…not since…when our father was angry at him. Father nodded, approving my proposal before making his way back into the lounge I looked his way, keeping Sasuke within the corner of my eye. Sasuke's shoulders dropped slightly as followed by a nearly unnoticeable sigh of…relief?
After I was certain he was out of ears reach I fully turned my attention back to Sasuke, whose eyes were still focused entirely on the floor, now he looked nervous. I knew I was correct, whatever's going on here it most certainly involves our father. Maybe it's his strictness, I can't be certain…or maybe it could be worse than that…I couldn't help but think back to those injuries my brother had received, they were not self-harm and I knew that. No. Father would never do that, he just wouldn't…right? I know he never really approved fully of Sasuke but he was never really that violent towards him…well not that I know of. If I can just get him to tell me what's going on.
"Sasuke are you sure everything is okay? You look rather might I say, troubled," I enquired watching his eyes travel further to the floor terribly attempting to avoid the question. His reaction really proved that something was most certainly going on as his refusal to answer was more than a verifying point.
"I'm fine Itachi, stop asking me questions and just go home," he stated glancing up but only as far as to see my chest and no higher. I sighed, what was I to do? At this rate I'm going to have to force the answer out of him even if that did indeed mean being as cruel as I can to get it.
"Why do you insist on being so stubborn?" I enquired, "You worry me Sasuke." I wasn't telling a lie, he always worried me, even if it was over something so insignificant or minor he still worried me. Hell I thought about him every day I was gone, I thought about how he was getting on, was he doing okay, was he missing me? I just wish that he would see through my façade, I knew he could it just depended if he wanted to or not.
He stayed quiet, that didn't surprise me. I couldn't help but look at him troublingly, noticing the pain embedded deep with his features. Damn if my father wasn't in the other room I would have hugged him by now, however feminine that sounded and how much he would probably squirm and then punch me afterwards.
"Seriously Sasuke if there is something going on please tell me, I will believe you no matter how absurd it may sound. I just want to know," I spoke again, repetitively trying to get an answer though highly doubting the possibilities that he would indeed answer me. For a moment I thought he was going to completely ignore me once again, though I would have at least preferred that response compared to what I got.
"I have nothing to say," he repeated, looking defeated. He looked so unbelievably low like he had just lost a fight. Dammit Sasuke, why are you being so stupid? I know something is wrong so why won't you tell me? I mentally sighed, feeling just as hopeless as he did at this point. Sometimes our Uchiha pride prevents us from doing some of the most important things.
"I'm sorry that you don't trust me enough Otouto," I shook my head at him, disapproving of his dense view. My idiot of an Otouto was really getting to me…I've only ever really cared about him and having him feel so pushed away from me just made me feel so…alone. I felt myself sadden slightly at my negative feelings. It's like me coming back into his life has made it twice as hard for him to live it, not to mention how I feel the same too. He holds such a big place in my heart that every moment I spend with him makes it want to stop. It's overpowering and I just want it to stop; I want to be here for him, for real this time and I want him to open up to me, to feel like he can finally and once again accept me as a brother.
"I'll be taking me leave now little brother, feel free to come and see me anytime you want. I'm sure you remember where I live," I sighed again feeling deflated; I think I held my hopes up too high this time. He nodded, keeping his eyes fixed as far away from me as possible. I had the urge to try one more time or at least say a proper goodbye…but I just didn't have it in me. Besides I still had this feeling…I just…I can't explain it. I mentally sighed as I reached for the door and stepped outside into the night sky, once again feeling like I had just turned my back on my little brother. I closed the door behind me and just stood for a moment, letting the night breeze blow a few strands of hair into my face. That's when I heard the shouting. I narrowed my eyes hearing something I didn't quite expect from my father…swearing. Leaning closer again the door I began to hear more of the 'lecture.'
My father's footsteps were clearly heard though the wood of the door, loud and completely uncalled for, I heard another sound, a boisterous thud the sound of something heavy hitting a wall. I nearly flinched at the sound, as I heard fathers voice get even more thunderous.e nHe
"ANSWER ME!" I tried to hear some kind of response from Sasuke, even if it was just a grunt or a snooty comment…just something to tell me he was okay, but I heard nothing.
"WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION YOU WORTHLESS CHILD!" I felt myself tense up violently as he insulted my brother, I felt my fingers tighten themselves towards my palm forming a fist, he was pushing his luck. I know Sasuke has broken the rules but there is no need to use that kind of language on him. I quickly remembered leaving my jacket giving me a perfect reason to step into this, at least so I can see what's going on, I can't just believe that my father isn't the one hurting him just because he's my father.
I quickly pulled on a calm façade before reopening the door to my childhood home, for the split second I saw my father standing inches away from Sasuke who was pinned tightly against the wall, a firm hand constricting around his neck, pressing him further into the wall. The look on Fugaku's face, the only word to describe it being: complete aggression. Something in me flipped and for a split second I just wanted to attack my own father, to just punch him.
"Father I forgot my...what are you doing?" I interrupted, the man's eyes widened momentarily before he instantly let go of Sasuke's neck, I quickly regained myself, holding back all my anger and pushing it to the back of my mind. Sasuke slumped forward, his hands clasping hold of his abused neck, the colour from his face completely vanished. I heard him gasp for breath as my father's stature quickly changed into something opposite.
"Itachi something is wrong with Sasuke, as soon as you stepped out the door he just started complaining that he couldn't breathe," he desperately spoke, now giving me a frantic look…what was he doing? For a moment I had to rethink about what I saw, that I wasn't just imagining it all because it was plaguing my mind. No…he certainly had his hands around his neck, don't kid yourself Itachi, you've never been mistaken before.
"What?" I copied Fugaku's current reaction, trying my best to stay in character. I need to at least play along for now, besides this still didn't prove everything. Yes this now makes him an even bigger suspect but there is no proof that he had done all those other things to Sasuke. I couldn't deny the fact that I honestly didn't want it to be my father who was the one hurting him. I know I'm being ignorant but he still is my father and I still respect him.
I rashly hurried towards my brother, giving him all my current attention. He looked up at me with his dark eyes; I could see disappointment fill his irises as he continued to struggle for breath.
"That's it Sasuke, deep breaths," I encouraged, I wasn't sure what to do as the moment was so intense so I just rubbed his back to at least sooth the muscles and calm him down. It took him a few moments or so to catch his breath back though it still sounded raspy. I had to get my father out of the room
"Father, can you go and get Sasuke some water?" I asked looking up at Fugaku…his face…was just so blank, I felt my jaw tighten. He wasn't even bothered that he nearly goddamn killed his own son! What kind of father is he? The bastard…at least now I have seen him in his true colours and he is obviously the most likely ass that is abusing my little brother.
"Sure," he spoke before striding out the hallway. Sasuke once again relaxed slightly, I'm sure father was still hoping that his little act was being believed by me With Fugaku out of the way I concentrated solely on Sasuke.
"Sasuke what happened?" I leant forward speaking directly into his ear, one to make sure that he most certainly heard me and two because it seemed a little rude to talk down to him as he was still doubled over. I laid my hand on his back again, as a comforting gesture spreading my long fingers out gently across his tense spine. Sasuke blanked me again, straying away from the question that he didn't want to answer from fear or embarrassment I couldn't tell. I couldn't help but feel a little pushed away; he used to always open up to me even if he was scared or self-conscious because it never mattered, I would never judge him for something like that. I looked towards his neck as his hands momentarily moved away seeing small nail shaped indents in his skin beginning to form small bruises.
"Are they nail marks?" I asked, pulling his hood down slightly to get a better look at them to check if he had broken the skin, he pulled away instantaneously nearly stumbling over. Thankfully the wall broke his fall as he leaned heavily against it for a moment desperately trying to regain his balance and straying as far away from me as possible.
"No." He stated, worst lie ever. Especially as the proof was bruised into his neck unless he's telling me that he did it himself. He covered them back up again with his hand uncomfortably.
"Sasuke please tell me what's going on with you, you're scaring me," I lowered my eyes, realizing what I had just said out loud, especially as I had hardly if never admitted it before as how could I bring myself to do it in front of my Otouto? Telling him that I was scared would only result in him getting scared too, I'm his role model…need to be strong, I just have to.
Though being away from Sasuke for so long has taught me a lot about myself…that I can't just ignore my emotions and pretend they don't exist, they always come back to haunt you. True enough I can't live my life acting extra careful around my brother just to make sure that I don't hurt him in some way. He needs to know the true me, the one that does indeed has feelings and is willing to accept them. I need to show him that it's okay to feel things, the way I was before was only influencing him not to. I have to correct my mistakes, but I still have to stay tough for him I just need to learn the balance correctly.
"I have some water," father exclaimed as he stepped back into the hallway, Sasuke scowled slightly as I completely wiped my expression away to reveal nothing. Fugaku hesitantly handed Sasuke the glass as Sasuke was just as reluctant to take it, they really didn't have a good relationship with each other. I kept my eyes on my brother making sure that he wasn't about to do something recklessly stupid with the glass which came with his territory. After I believed that he took a sip, my raven haired brother handed the glass back still just as full.
"I'm going to take you to bed," I spoke again, getting a satisfactory nod from father who was of course willing to let me do whatever I say and want just like always.
"I can walk up the stairs myself," he interrupted before I had any chance to move, he sounded cocky and serious which calmed me down knowing that he was beginning to act his usual self again. I ignored his comment just like older brothers tend to do before grabbing his shoulder to get him to move.
"And risk you having another scene like that, no thank you," I retorted back pulling him back into the front room noticing him grimace within the corner of my eye. I wanted to smirk back at him but I was still in range of my father.
I politely hauled him up the stairs as he seemed to want to make it as hard as possible as with each step we took he would try and drag us back down with his constant fidgeting. I took him straight to his room giving me chance to see it again though not behind his back. I felt a little curious still just to see how much it had changed or even stayed the same. I opened the door to his room and stepped inside and then pulling him in with me. His room really hadn't changed that much except for the black painted walls which made me feel a little claustrophobic, I didn't personally like black walls very much, it makes the room look even smaller and well dirty. He still had much of his old furniture and kept it vaguely tidy with the exception of a few missed pieces of junk on the floor. Letting go of him I moved my hands towards my pockets while his traced over the area that I had hold of him…come on, I wasn't holding him that tightly! I took a few more looks round before inspecting a little more noticing the many blood stains on his carpet which was rather worrying though it was dry, meaning that it must have been from a few months/years ago.
"You have a lot of blood on your carpet," I pointed out bluntly pulling no facial expression mainly because I actually didn't know what expression to pull during this situation.
"Well it is my room, what do you expect?" He replied sarcastically, I hoped he wasn't trying to make it a joke because it wasn't funny. Self-harm is extremely serious and I should know just as well as some other people.
"Please don't try and make it sound comical because this is serious," I stated seriously looking at what looked like the most recent, it wasn't just a few drops but a large stain meaning whatever happened he bled out quite a bit. I thought about his most recent injury…his arm, that mess was more than capable of creating this much blood which brings me to the fact if he was bleeding that heavily then the injury must have been caused inside the house because he would have otherwise bled to death getting here. Which again automatically points towards father unless someone else was in the house too. Though without visual proof or having Sasuke tell me face to face I can't just start accusing my own father.
"Don't you think I know that brother?" Sasuke frowned sitting down on his bed folding his arms like a childhood tantrum, I turned towards him fully raising my eyebrows and giving him a questioning look. If he understood then why would he joke?
"Then why Sasuke?" I asked curiously making my way over to his bed and sitting myself down beside him, I could nearly feel the ranging emotions that were coming from him.
"You won't understand," he answered, I knew that it wasn't one of the easiest subjects to talk about, though I do know how much better it feels once you have told someone about it. I know dark feelings, I know that close feeling with death, that makes you feel so alive, self-harming is living proof to one's self that they are still alive even though often don't want to be however it can also be a form of punishment, a way of physically punishing yourself instead of mentally which tended to feel so much worse.
"Enlighten me," I carried on, I was eager knowing what was his reason for this dreaded action. There is always a reason, it's not just a whim of a feeling.
"I...I don't know how to explain, I just want to do it – no I feel like I need to do it. It's just when I get so upset that I just can't bear it because it hurts so much inside that it feels like hurting myself is the only way I can cope with it as feeling that kind of pain drowns out everything else," he started explaining, so he does it for the emotional turmoil that's inside of him, clearly his feelings are overpowering so much that he can't physically handle them without the struggle of pain. Watching blood flow can sometimes feel like your emotions are leaving you within a small pain-filled river, it's very metaphorical but the idea in itself can make you feel better. Though a downside can be the scars, it constantly reminds you of your problems and how irrationally you dealt with them, this tends to affect you more once you've realized what you were doing was utterly foolish.
"I understand..." I muttered, smiling lightly as he glanced at me with a surprised look.
"You do?" He asked, his voice filled with a quiet shock.
"Of course, I know what it's like to feel that low," I stated, delicately pulling up one of my sleeves and holding my bare skin up to the light. I had problems too; it looks like me and Sasuke deal with our emotional distress the same way. Perhaps we are closer than we both thought. I showed him my own scars, my own painful memories. He gave me a fleeting look maybe unable to process this; I'll admit that even I couldn't handle the pain that I felt leaving. Luckily for me Deidara told me off before I had chance to go that extra far and end up taking my own life which I would easily regret. That was mainly how I and he got together; I needed someone to keep me going so that one day I would be where I am now.
"You..." he mumbled unable to finish off the sentence, clearly he wasn't expecting this from me, well I always did seem like the most sane person that would never do anything so reckless pity that cover-up was always all a lie. That's how I knew it was bad, I'm over that stage completely and now I'm just going to have to get Sasuke out of it too before it does indeed claim his life.
"Yes Sasuke, I'm just like you I know better than anyone else what you're going through," I sighed closing my eyes, images of blood flashing momentarily in my mind, I rolled my sleeves down as well as the memories.
"Why?" My brother asked simply, something sounded in his voice making him sound upset and I had to hope for a moment that I hadn't just scarred him anymore.
"This was because I couldn't stand being away from you; I had to punish myself for hurting you. I have done some really bad things Sasuke which I regret so badly, some of which you couldn't imagine in your darkest nightmares and by telling you, would only become more of a burden for your own troubles, I'm not that monster anymore, I came back for you because I want to be the older brother that you should have had in the first place," I clarified feeling all that caged emotion filling up inside me like a tidal wave. I could never tell Deidara why I did it, I had always lied that it was because I couldn't handle the job not because my little brother continued to haunt my mind as guilt.
"I never realized that you...that you felt so strongly about something. It makes me sound foolish that I thought that you would even attempt anything like that I always thought that you had a perfect life, no worries, no problems..." he murmured quietly just loud enough so I could hear him, instant proof that I was giving him the wrong impression all those years ago. Yes, I wasn't as open as I am now but I still had thoughts and feelings I just didn't feel comfortable to share them with the world.
"Far from it Otouto, you have no idea what it's like having so much pressure being put onto your shoulders at such an early age, I found it nearly impossible to deal with so I ended up shutting off all my emotions and dreams because I didn't have time for either and just did what I was told. That was no way to live but nonetheless I had no choice and just had to accept who I was. But now I see that I can lead a different life, I don't have to be told what to do anymore. I want to have emotions bad and good, I want to have a dream, something that I want to do or become, I'm fed up of taking orders, no one but me is going to control my life from now on." I proclaimed trying to change my brother's mind, to open up to him right now. At least if he knows something personal about me he may decide that he'll start trusting me again.I hate not being able to get close to him like before, it's like having a barrier in-between us where it stops me being able to reach out and help him while the floor beneath his feet begins to crumble. Sasuke looked like he was taking the information in which followed by a yawn, breaking the tension in the room into small pieces, I inwardly chuckled.
"Tired little brother? It's about time you got some sleep," I smirked ruffling his soft midnight blue hair, I was expecting him to slap my hand away or at least to insult me in some way but nothing came…he was just silent.
"Thank you...Aniki," he spoke softly, taking me back to when he was little with that small innocent voice. I smiled, Aniki I wasn't expecting him to ever call me that again, I felt my heart flutter slightly before I did what I had been wanting to do all day and pulled him into a soft embrace.
"Thank you too Otouto, you are the first person I have ever shared that with before," I whispered into his ear feeling the closest to him that I had felt in so long. I would have been happy to hold him like this forever but sadly he needed to sleep and I had paperwork which I had indeed neglected, I have gotten a little lazy since being in the Akatsuki.
"Okay I think it's time that I let you get some sleep, I have a lot of paperwork to do," I stood up in one movement feeling a little disappointed.
"You have paperwork to do at one o'clock in the morning?" Sasuke asked dazed and somewhat innocently. I nodded, "Well I have been here most of my evening and well I never got round to doing it at home, now I need to catch up. Goodnight Otouto or should I say good morning?" I smiled again knowing that I would be seeing him again on Monday anyway giving me something to look forward to even if it did sound insignificant. I backed out towards the doorway, closing the door behind me.
"I love you Otouto…" I spoke, making my way down the stairs, picking up my jacket and leaving without bumping into my father.
A/N IMPORTANT PLEASE TAKE NOTICE BELOW
I am in desperate need of a BETA just for this story; I'm just hoping that one of you awesome readers might rise up to the challenge. Otherwise my updates will continue to be just as slow… :(
If you become my BETA you will have a first insight to the rest of the story so you will be able to find out what happens before everyone else, not to mention you'll have some input too. I really need someone to keep me on track…and to check punctuation (because I suck)
SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE will someone please accept my offer. If you're interested please PM ASAP! Even if you just do it for the good of other readers, because I cannot keep on track! I need inspiration!
To readers, REVIEW…10 please :) Next chapter is interesting, honestly. And if I get a BETA it will be up quicker!