Thank you guys for the suggestions on the Vexen PWNage.
Disclaimers: All ideas came from my head, Disney, Square Enix and whatever company owns the Home Alone movies get all the credit.
Enjoy the randomness!
OH! And to Johnny River who wrote the song that Xion sings later on.
I am about to drive Vexen insane… through song.
And what these kids will do to get what they want… no matter how stupid it is.
X x x x x x xx x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x X
Castle That Never Was
"Vexen… You need to stop working so hard." Xemnas says soothingly as he helps Vexen outside.
"But… But… they're out to get me! I know it!" Vexen protests softly. Xemnas puts him in a chair in a shady tent in the Backyard That Never Was and gives him a cool drink.
"Relax. Nobody's out to get you, Four." Xemnas says paternally and then Xion runs up to him.
"XEEEMNAS!! Wanna see what me and Demy did?" Xion says, and then smiles sweetly at Vexen. He glares viciously at her.
"Sure, sweetie, what is it?" Xemnas picks her up and hugs her. She hugs him back.
"We made a song to sing for poor sicky Vexen! Wanna hear it?" Xion asks.
"Of course we would… Right Vexen?" Xemnas says.
"… I suppose…" Vexen mutters back.
"Goodie! It's called Secret Agent Man!" Xion says loudly, clearing her throat. Demyx runs up and starts strumming his miniature Arpeggio.
"That's the cue guys!" Axel says to his awaiting team.
There's a man who leads a life of danger,
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger!" Xion sings in a slightly deeper voice.
"I love this song!" Xemnas says, relaxing into a lawn chair. Vexen's eyes widen as he sees Sora and Roxas carefully make their way across a windowsill into the room inside.
"…Superior…." Vexen grabs Xemnas's sleeve to try to make him see the two.
"What?"
"I'm not done!" Xion complains, and continues to sing.
"With every move he makes another chance he takes,
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow!" Xion and Demyx sing in unison. Behind them, Axel and Larxene slip into the room as Roxas and Sora climb back out with giant pails of sand.
"XEMNAS!" Vexen protests.
"Secret agent man, secret agent man!" Demyx says, bopping slightly to the beat.
"They've given you a number and taken away your name….
Beware of pretty faces that you find;
A pretty face can hide an evil mind!
Ah, be careful what you say,
Or you'll give yourself away!" Xion says, continuing the song. Axel scrambles out of the room clutching a small box. Larxene comes out with what looks like the insides of a television.
"SUPERIOR!! THEY'RE AT THE WINDOW!" Vexen screams, pointing. The moment Xenmas looks, Axel and Larxene had already thrown the items to Luxord and Marluxia and scrambled back into the room. Sora and Roxas were all perched where Xemnas couldn't see them.
"AHEM!" Xion taps her foot as she waits for them to finish.
"Sorry… Uncle Vexy's not feeling well, Xi Xi." Xemnas apologizes.
"Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
Secret agent man, secret agent man!" Demyx and Xion harmonize, as Axel slips back into the room, and carries out a number of medical supplies. Vexen realizes now that it's his own LABORATORY, those fiends!
"They've given you a number and taken away your name…." Xion pauses as Demyx solos wildly as Roxas receives the rack of potion vials from Axel and crawls his way to the others.
"Secret agent man, secret agent man!
They've given you a number and taken away your name!" Xion continues. Larxene grabs a small box that Vexen knew was a Bunsen burner.
"What in hell could they want those for?" Vexen mutters nervously as he grips the armrests tightly.
"Swingin' on the Riviera one day
And then layin' in the Bombay alley next day…." Demyx says dramatically, waving his hands.
"Oh no, you let the wrong word slip!
While kissing persuasive lips -"
"Xion!" Xemnas says disapprovingly.
"But that's how the song goes!"
"Fine then…." Xemnas shakes his head and sighs.
"The odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
Secret agent man, secret agent man!
They've given you a number and taken away your name!
Secret agent man………." they finish just as Axel finishes loading up his cart of stolen good through yet ANOTHER window, the one that lead to his room.
"…. Superior, the kids broke into my lab and have stolen numerous amounts of equipment and notes! The song was a diversion so you wouldn't see them!" Vexen says immediately after Xion and Demyx were done.
"…. Vexen. Do you have a fever?" Xemnas asks concerned.
"NO I DO NOT HAVE A FEVER! THEY WERE ASKED TO PLAY THE DUMMIES SO THE OTHER NEOPHYTES COULD BREAK INTO MY LAB AND TAKE MY POSSESSIONS!" Vexen screams, his face turning red.
"… Whatza he talkin' about?" Demyx asks Xion.
"I dunno! Vexy's just nutso." Xion giggles and they run off.
"Vexen, I'm going to go get someone to watch you… don't move." Xemnas gets up and goes in search for someone trustworthy… maybe Ivy?
Play Room That Never Was
"Ivy, will you put this here?" Larxene asks sweetly as she starts constructing something with Roxas's and Axel's Legos.
"Of course, Larxene. This one?" Ivy starts building the odd object with her, referring constantly to the drawing Larxene had beside her. When they were done, Larxene smiles proudly.
"What is it?" Ivy asks kindly.
"It's a guillomatine!" Larxene scampers off, clutching her new toy tightly to her chest.
"Did ya make it?" Axel asks, leaning against the wall calmly.
"Of course, stupid. C'mon, we gotta make the other stuff and set up the rest of the traps." They both walk off, identical evil grins on their faces.
Backyard That Never Was
"Superior… Please don't leave…" Vexen begs softly, looking like he was about to burst into hysteric tears.
"So… Did ya like the song?" Demyx asks coldly.
"Yes.. It was beautiful, Demyx." Vexen whispers, shaking slightly.
"Wanna know something, Uncle Vexy?" Demyx asks, sitting on the man's knee.
"Wh-What?" Vexen stammers back.
"I don't like it when people say my sitar's stupid. It's not stupid, YOU'RE stupid." Demyx says harshly as he pulls out a small black pistol.
"Oh my god, where did you get a gun?" Vexen whispers hysterically.
"Xiggy's room. He has all sorts of neat stuff in there." Demyx giggles, grinning at poor Vexen. Vexen quickly began to see his life flash through his eyes, even his childhood in the village where he had grown up.
"BANG!" Demyx shouts.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Vexen leaps from the chair and runs.
"… Pfft. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Demyx starts laughing hysterically as he pulls the trigger, a small cloud of bubbles appear over his head.
"Here he comes!" Axel hisses, pulling the rope swiftly. Vexen tumbles over it, crashes into a small wheel toys submerged in thick glue. His feet stick to it as he wheels around crazily before falling down the stairs, screaming as he slams his head into each and every stair.
"… Oh my god…. SOMEONE HEEELP MEEE!!" Vexen sobs, bursting into tears.
"Oooh, Vexy!" Sora calls out to him.
"Huh?" Vexen looks up. Sora cuts the thin twine holding up the barbell and allows it to fall, pinning Vexen to the ground.
"SAY SORRY!" Axel demands angrily, sitting on top of the barbell.
"I'm SORRY! I'M SORRY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET AND HOLY, I'M SORRRRYYY!!!" Vexen screams, tears streaming down his face.
"Are you EVER gonna do that again?" Saix asks softly. For some bizarre reason, Vexen was actually more scared of Saix at this point than Axel. It was the absolute coolness of Saix's expression as he observed the scene.
"NOOO! I SWEAR! I SWEAR! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!!" Vexen begs, shaking terribly.
"Okay, we won't hurt you." Larxene says.
"P-Promise?" Vexen whispers.
"Nope!" All three of them slam a brick into Vexen's head, each hitting with just enough forced so that combined, that he got knocked out.
"Take him out." Saix commands, as Sora and Roxas grip Vexen's hands together and start carrying him off.
Vexen's Bedroom
"….uhhh?" Vexen moans, his head was killing him.
"Are you alright?" Namine asks him.
"No…" Vexen says sarcastically.
"You fell down the stairs, we just found you." Lexaeus tells him.
"Oh… then was it a dream?" Vexen whispers hopefully.
"We helped!" Roxas tells him eagerly.
"GAAAAAH!!! GET THAT LITTLE MONSTER AWAY FROM ME!!" Vexen screams.
"…. Vexen! The kids saved your life! You could have died!" Namine scolds.
"Yeah! You OWE us." Axel says, grinning mischievously.
"…" Vexen runs for it.
"What the flip did we do?" Larxene asks innocently.