A/N Okay, here it is; Raphael's turn. Other than the epilogue, this is it for this story. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have, and thank everyone so much for the wonderful encouragement. I have to admit, I became something of a "reviews junkie." Anyway, on with the show.
Finally, three months after waking up, Leo was allowed to begin a more normal routine. Both Donny and Donatello kept a close eye on him to make sure he didn't cause himself to have a set-back, and Raph, Mikey, and Michelangelo stuck close, just in case. But, over all, the family had settled into a harmonious existence. Well, everyone except Raphael, that is. Unlike his younger brothers, the family's second oldest still had not made his peace with his older brother. True, he no longer made disparaging remarks to or about Leo, thanks in large part to Michelangelo's little tirade a few months before, but then, Raphael spent very little time in the Lair anymore anyway.
Leo tried to pretend it didn't bother him that he and Raphael were still at odds, but it was obvious that it did. Yet no one seemed able to get through to Raphael; not that Donatello, Michelangelo, and even Master Splinter hadn't tried. Raphael had a number of responses to these talks, depending on who was doing the talking. He either changed the topic (Donatello), became downright antagonistic (Michelangelo), or just didn't respond at all (Splinter). As for the rest of his "extended family," he just acted as if they didn't exist.
Things came to a head one Friday night. As had become tradition, now that Leo was mobile but still confined to the Lair, the whole family had settled in the living room for a movie marathon; everyone except Raphael, of course. The stubborn turtle had given his family a derisive look before disappearing out the door without a word. Mikey, who had been facing Leo when Raphael departed, was the only one to see the sad, defeated look cross his brother's face. That look alarmed Mikey a great deal; that wasn't a look you were supposed to see on Leo's face.
Moving to sit next to his big brother, Mikey whispered, "Hey, bro, you okay?"
To Mikey's surprise, Leo actually answered truthfully. "I don't think so, Mikey. I mean, what do I have to do to make Raphael forgive me?"
"It's not your fault," Mikey tried to reassure him, but Leo just sighed despondently.
"I'm not so sure about that," Leo said. "Sometimes I think Raphael would have been happier if I hadn't recovered."
The response, and the defeatist attitude fueling, angered Mikey. Grabbing his brother by the shoulders, he gave him a little shake. "Don't you dare say things like that," he hissed. "Even if Raphael is too blind to see how much he needs you, the rest of us aren't. Do you want to leave us behind again?"
"No," Leo said quietly. "It just hurts."
"I know, bro," Mikey replied. "Just…have a little more patience. Raphael is sure to come around some time." He'd better, Mikey thought to himself. Or else, everything we've done will have been for nothing. After giving his brother another hug, Mikey got to his feet. As he moved away from the television, Raph and Donny gave him a questioning look. They had noticed the seemingly intense conversation taking place between the oldest and youngest turtle, but had known better than to interfere. Giving them a shake of his head, Mikey moved silently toward the exit. He had a good idea where Raphael was, and he was determined to have a word with the older turtle. Mikey wasn't sure if Raphael would listen, or even if talking would do any good, but he had to try, for Leo's sake.
After a fifteen minute jaunt through the sewers and a five minute run across the rooftops, Mikey reached the rooftop of the old hotel that was one of Raphael's favorite thinking places. Sure enough, the other turtle was sitting at the edge of the building, staring off across the cityscape.
"Go away," Raphael growled as Mikey approached.
"No way, dude," Mikey replied. "We need to talk."
"Don't think so," Raphael replied, climbing to his feet. His body language, with his hands fingering his sais, revealed just how tense and on edge he was. Mikey, in contrast, was calm and collected, his hands well away from his own weapons. The look on his face was one of concern, his empathy for the older turtle making it impossible for him to react to the anger.
"Why are you doing this to yourself," he asked Raphael softly. "You're hurting yourself, your family, and especially Leo. Do you really hate him that much?" Mikey wasn't sure if Raphael would actually answer the question. But instead of storming off in anger, Raphael just glared at Mikey.
"Do you know how sickening I find your family," he said. "You and your brothers are such a bunch of goody-two-shoes; you're almost too good to be real. You appear uninvited out of nowhere, in our world, in my home, and proceed to pass judgment on something you know nothing about."
"Try me," Mikey challenged, though his voice remained soft.
"Fine," Raphael snarled. "How about this: no, I don't hate Leo. I've never hated Leo. I was jealous as hell, yes, but I didn't hate him. I mean, next to Leo, I shone about as brightly as a glow-in-the-dark sticker. It always seemed I was in his shadow. Nearly everything we learned, Leo learned it faster and better than the rest of us. My whole life all it seemed I ever heard was 'Leo this' and 'Leo that,' and 'Leo did some other damn thing.' Even worse, it always seemed that all anyone ever saw, at least in the light of Leo's 'magnificence,' were my faults. I was never good enough, not compared to Leo. And then, Leo had to be removed from his position as team leader, and I was finally given a chance to shine. But in a way, that made things worse. I mean, after walking just a few weeks in Leo's shoes, I began to see just how good he was at what he had taken upon himself as his role in the family, and just how truly lacking I was. So I…I turned on him. I did everything I could to cut him down, to tear him apart. Unfortunately, it was the one thing I proved all too adept at. I knew I was hurting him, but I couldn't stop myself. I finally realized I had gone too far that night Michelangelo got hurt, and I said that horrible thing about Leo, but I was too late. I walked in to find my brother, the brother I had idolized since I was a hatchling, take his final breath as the strangled to death, from the rope he had tied around his own neck. What was worse to seeing him not fighting the rope that was slowly strangling him; it was killing him slowly, and he wasn't even fighting it. Can you understand the guilt I felt after he was gone? Leo didn't kill himself that night; I did.
And then we came through the weird dimensional portal to find Leo was still alive, but he was absolutely terrified of us. Not only that, but he had found a family that took better care of him than we did, and he was only technically related to you. When we brought Leo back here to save his life, I was certain I would have chance to prove myself once more to my brother, but I failed yet again, and you guys had to come and save the day once more. After that, it was like, what's the point? Leo doesn't need me; he never did. Besides, the only thing I've ever brought him was pain. So there, Mr. 'Know-it-all,' go ahead and judge me," Raph challenged.
Mikey could only shake his head a look of what seemed like, at least to Raphael, fond exasperation on his face. "You just don't get it, dude," he said. "What you see as us being 'too-good-to-be-true' is the result of a lot of years and hard learned lessons. And if you think we don't understand the guilt, guess again; especially Raph."
"Uh-huh," Raphael scoffed. "That brother of yours is so in tight with Leo, you'd think they were conjoined twins or something."
Mikey was shaking his head again. "You're just seeing the surface again," he said. "Not the reasoning behind it. In fact, I think you really should talk to him. I think Raph could give you some insight on this whole thing."
"Yeah, right," Raphael scoffed again. "In case you haven't notice, your brother and I don't exactly get along. I don't think the two of us having a heart to heart is going to happen in the near future."
This time Mikey gave Raphael an exasperated look. "Haven't you figured out by now that Raph only wants the best for Leo," he asked, soundly slightly aggrieved.
"So?"
"So, getting you and Leo reconciled to definitely in Leo's best interest," Mikey responded.
Raphael was silent for a moment. "Getting us 'reconciled,' huh? You've been spending way too much time with the Geek twins," he teased, a first for them both. "But you've got a point. All right, if 'Dudley Do-Right' is willing, I'll talk. But if he starts with the superior attitude…"
"Cool," Mikey exclaimed. "Stay here, I'll be back with Raph as soon as I can."
TMNTTMNT
It took an hour for Mikey to get home, explain where he'd been, convince Raph to come with him, and for the pair to make the return trip. They arrived to find Raphael in much the same position he'd been in when Mikey had hunted him down earlier.
"All right, Mikey said you agreed to talk to me," Raph told his double. His tone was challenging, but not judgmental.
Raphael, although bristling, gave his younger self a rundown of what he'd told Mikey earlier. He ended by say, "The knucklehead over there said you might have some 'insight' or something that might help." He folded his arms defensively over his plastron and glared at Raph. Unconsciously, Raph mirrored the stance and the glare. The sight made Mikey crack up.
"You two ought to see each other," he cackled. "We ought to start calling you Gemini."
The two turtles looked at the giggling turtle with identical looks of annoyance. When they realized they'd done it again, they couldn't fight the smiles that threatened to overtake them. Pretty soon, they had joined Mikey in his amusement.
"All right, all right," Raph said, once they had each regained some measure of control. "Why don't we have a seat, and I'll tell you a little story about me and my big brother."
The three turtles settled themselves on the cool concrete, and Raph said, "My relationship with my older brother hasn't always been the best. In fact, when we were younger, back before our Leo disappeared, he and I got along a lot like you and your Leo. I was always challenging him: his authority, his rules, whatever I could think of. Let me tell you, we had some pretty intense arguments. Then one night we had a worse fight than usual. I told my brother I hated him and that I wished I never had to see him again. I can still remember the look of hurt and horror on his face as that filth came spewing out. Rather than retaliate, though, he just turned and left without another word. As soon as I said the words, I regretted them, but I had too much pride to chase Leo down and apologize. I decided instead to wait until he came home, and then I'd seek him out. Except, Leo never came home. Out alone like he was, he was an easy target for the Foot, and they kidnapped him. I never saw him alive again, just the badly mutilated corpse that the Shredder had left behind after he was done torturing him.
You asked if I can understand the guilt you've been feeling. Trust me, I did. Before finding my brother's body, I made the vow that if we got Leo back, I would treat him like he deserved to be treated. After all, despite the fighting and the jealousy, Leo was my best friend. And then I found his remains, and I thought the agony was going to kill me. I had lost my chance to say I was sorry, and my brother died with the last words between us being 'I hate you.' I have never hated myself more than I did at that moment. So when your Leo came to us, hurting and so badly in need of care, I promised myself that I would take care of him. I had learned my lesson, and had been given a second chance. The question now is, have you learned your lesson, or are you going to let priade get in the way so that you squander the miracle you've been given?"
Raphael looked his double square in the eyes. He saw in the depths of those orbs, twin to his own, the truth of what the other turtle had told him. At last, he dropped his gaze. "I…I need a while to think," he told them. Before they could feel their hopes drop once more, though, he added, "But please ask Leo if he would mind waiting up for me. It's time we talked."
TMNTTMNT
It was well past midnight when Raphael finally returned to the Lair. It had taken more time than he'd anticipated to build up the courage to face his older brother. When he arrived, all the lights were out, and he was afraid that Leo had tired of waiting and had retired to bed. But no, there Leo was, dozing on the couch, an afghan tucked around him. For a long moment, Raphael just studied his sleeping brother. The hardship of the last few months could be read in the lines inscribed on his brother's brow; lines of pain and unresolved tension. Raphael felt new guilt stirring within; a good number of those lines were his fault.
Raphael had almost convinced himself to leave his brother alone, since he was sleeping so peacefully, when Leo opened his eyes and met his brother's gaze.
"Hey," he whispered.
"Hey," Raph replied dumbly.
"I didn't think you were coming back tonight," Leo said as he struggled to sit up. Raphael reached out to help untangle the blanket wrapped around his brother. Leo tensed up slightly at the contact, but he let Raphael assist him.
"Yeah, well, I needed some time to gather my courage," Raphael admitted, taking a seat next to Leo on the couch.
"I didn't realize I was that difficult to talk to," Leo said, discomfort coloring his voice.
"I wasn't afraid of you," Raphael told him. "I was afraid of what I would have to tell you." This time it was Raphael's turn to jump as Leo placed a soothing hand on his shoulder.
"Surely it's not that bad," he said gently. At the tender tone, Raphael felt his eyes well up with tears.
"You have no idea of how badly I've wronged you," he whispered. "I've been a horrible brother."
"But I," Leo started, but Raphael cut him off.
"It's not you," he said hoarsely. "It was never you. I never hated you, Leo. I was jealous, yes, but mostly I hated myself. I hated that I could never match up to you and the standard you set. I hated how weak and second rate I looked next you. I was jealous of how our father seemed to value you more than the rest of us, and in my jealousy, I lost sight of how everything was affecting you."
"But you were right," Leo protested. "I was a failure. I nearly got us all killed, and I almost killed Michelangelo myself."
"Oh, Leo, I never meant it," Raphael said, the tears finally permitted to run down his face. "I can't express how sorry I am for being so stupid and saying such cruel things. Leo, it was never your fault that we got our shells kicked that night. As I recall, you tried to warn us about rushing in, but Michelangelo and I wouldn't listen. We dragged you and Donatello into that situation, and if it hadn't been for you, we probably would have gotten ourselves killed. As for hurting Michelangelo, that was my fault, too. I knew you weren't at a hundred percent that night, but rather than back off like you would have done, I dove in head first. You were doing your best to look after us, even hurt as you were. What happened was just bad luck."
"Then why did you say it," Leo asked, confused.
"Because…no, I don't have an excuse," Raphael responded. "I guess part of me wanted to bring you down to my level. You had always been too far above us, so seemingly out of reach, that all I could think about was knocking you down a peg or two. I never, ever meant to…to hurt you like I did, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself."
The two turtles sat in contemplative silence for a long moment. Then Raphael said, "I know I don't deserve it, but I'm begging your forgiveness. I told you this when you were in that coma, but I'll repeat it. What I did to you goes beyond the ability of 'sorry' to fix it. I have never been so ashamed of myself in my entire life, and I've said and done some pretty shame-worthy things. But I don't think I've ever done anything so dead wrong as my methodical, piece by piece destruction of you, big brother. I don't know if you can, or are willing to forgive me, but I'm hoping that maybe you'll give me second chance."
Raphael turned pleading eyes on his big brother. Leo considered him for a moment before responding. "I don't know if I can trust you again," he said, and Raphael felt like his heart was being shredded, and he dropped his head to his chest. "But," Leo continued, "I'm willing to give it a try."
Raphael couldn't believe what he was hearing. Lifting tear-filled eyes, he met his brother's loving look.
"I've missed you," Leo told him, tears similarly filling his eyes. "I didn't feel whole without you as part of my family."
"I've missed you too," Raphael croaked. "I promise, you'll never regret letting me back in. I love you, Leo." The last four words were hard to say, but merely from disuse. Raphael had grown accustomed to hearing the words passed around since the family's three newest members had come into their home, so saying them to his big brother wasn't nearly as difficult to speak as he thought they might have been. The warmth that filled him as Leo whole-heartedly returned the message made Raphael think that, maybe, he could get used to saying them a little more often. Besides, if his bratty double could be more open about his affection for his brothers, then so could Raphael.
With a sigh of contentment, Leo hugged his brother. Raphael returned the embrace unreservedly. Tucking his brother under his chin as he had seen Raph do on numerous past occasions, Raphael luxuriated in feeling his brother's warmth snuggled up against him once more. In no time at all, the brothers were sound asleep, and true peace finally settled over the home.