J
And this applies to all chapters: I do not own Bones or any recognizable references or characters.
Everyone quietly watched Angela's holographic Christmas tree, because according to Brennan, it was a "silly" tradition to cut down millions of perfectly good, oxygen producing, squirrel housing, insect containing trees every year. There was a large stack of Secret Santa presents in the corner.
Everyone hid in various places of Angela's office, waiting to see Santa Claus. Angela and Booth hid under the couch laying head to toe, Cam under the desk, Brennan on top the bookshelf, Hodgins stood behind the model skeleton in the exact same position as it, so as not to be seen. Sweets was in a plant, Vincent was in a drawer, and Zack in the ceiling.
"Booth, your foot is on my face." Angela whispered.
"Sorry" Booth shifted his foot, which only resulted in kicking her in the face again. She kicked him back.
"Hey!" he yelled.
She kicked him repeatedly.
"Stop it! It was an accident!"
"Kick her, Booth!" yelled Vincent.
"Women's rights!" Brennan cried.
"Go back to the kitchen!" Booth yelled to Brennan.
Sweets howled.
"Oh it's on!" Brennan rolled up the sleeves of her Rudolph sweater.
Hodgins roared like a territorial lion on heroin.
"Hodgins, if you get into this, I will divorce you!" Angela told him.
"It's because I'm black, isn't it?" Hodgins asked "All a brotha want is a little 'spect around here!"
"…I respect you Hodgins…" Zack whispered, slowly extending his hand down from the ceiling.
Booth kicked Angela again.
"Hey! Women's rights!" She yelled.
"Pickle's rights!" Hodgins mocked. It grew silent.
"Pickles really should have rights…" Vincent said quietly.
"yeah"
"yeah"
"yeah" everyone had a moment of silence for the lack of equality for pickles in this world.
Cam sniffed the air "Do I smell…garlic?"
"In case Santa's a vampire." Zack explained. They still couldn't see him.
"Oh." Cam said, as if it was perfectly reasonable.
"I bet Santa's a racist" Hodgins said.
"Guys shhhh! We don't want to scare Santa away!" Booth hissed. "Do you hear that?" He asked "I think it's him!"
"He's here! He's here!" Vincent cried.
"Shut up!" Hodgins said. A big shadow loomed in the doorway.
"It's the Great Pumpkin! I knew it! I knew it!" Vincent whispered.
Hodgins threw a shoe at him.
Santa stumbled in, drinking from a vodka bottle. He carelessly threw a sack under the "tree", took the bowl of mints from Angela's desk, and left.
Everyone fell out of their hiding places and ran over to the tree. It was a very large sack. Booth pulled out the only present in the sack: a long box wrapped in cute wrapping paper with little bones and severed body parts on it.
"Stop!" Angela yelled. "Secret Santa first"
Everyone grumbled and Angela grabbed the first present in their stack. "To Cam" She handed the box to Cam.
She opened the box. "A femur! Oh, you shouldn't have!" She picked the bone out of the box.
"It's Hannah's"Sweets said.
"You're not supposed to let her know it was from you!" Angela said, slapping him. "Vincent" she called.
Vincent took the box and opened it. "Wow! 3 toes and a nose!"
"Also Hannah's" Brennan said.
"Bren!" Angela said in annoyance.
"This tradition is silly. I am going to take full credit for anything I give." Brennan said.
"Fine." Angela said.
"Y'know, I've had THREE broken noses before." Booth boasted.
"Haha, whoa, how many noses can one person have?" Sweets joked.
Silence. "
I'll show myself out." He said.
"Aanyways, this is for Hodgins." Angela said.
Hodgins eagerly tore open the paper. "A burned hand! Cool!" he said excitedly.
"It's not Hannah's…" Zack whispered, holding up a stub where his right hand should be.
"…Creepy." Hodgins said.
"This one's for me" Angela said. She opened the small box "Woww! A necklace of teeth! Thank you whoever you are!"
"They're Hannah's" Booth said. Everyone decided to just screw the whole "secret" in Secret Santa.
"This one is Zack's"
Zack opened the present "A humerus!" Zack began gnawing on it like a dog.
"It's Hannah's" Angela said with pride.
Sweets opened his present next. "Pelvic bone! Yesss!" He cheered as he wore it like a hat.
"It's Hannah's" Hodgins said modestly.
Booth couldn't wait any longer. He grabbed the large box that was labeled his, and tore it open. "A complete spine!" He held it up for a picture. "Wow, thank you so much!" Booth hugged it. "
It's Hannah's" Vincent said with his silly accent.
"Last but not least, this one's yours, Bren."
Brennan took the box, and carefully opened the top. She lifted out a skull, in perfect condition. "Wowww" She whispered "It's just what I wanted! It completes my collection!"
Everyone gave her weird looks.
"How did you know?" she said happily.
"It's Hannah's." Cam said.
"Does everyone like their Christmas presents?" Angela asked.
"I loved it!"
"yeah!"
"I'M JEWISH!" Sweets yelled.
After a short and awkward silence, everyone gathered around the present Santa had left. There was a single tag on it
"It's Hannah's" Booth read. He tore open the package. It was a large bin.
"Might one call it a loony bin? Huh? Huh?" Sweets joked. Everyone glared at him. "I'll show myself out." He said ashamed.
Booth slowly lifted the lid off the bin. Everyone peered in to see Hannah's remaining body parts floating in her blood.
"ORGAN FIIIIGHT!" Hodgins roared at the top of his lungs.
Everyone began picking parts out of the bin and taking sides.
Organs exploded like red water balloons as they hit everyone. Zack used the small intestine as a lasso, and Brennan was shouting out the name of every body part she saw as it hit people. Angela smacked Booth in the face with a foot "PAYBACK'S A BITCH!"
Through the chaos of organs flying everywhere, no one was able to find a heart or brain. Vincent had gotten a cannon from the artifacts room and loaded it with organs. "FOR PICKLES!" he shouted as he shot the organs in rapid fire.
It was the best Christmas they ever had. Except for Sweets. Because he's jewish. And tells really bad jokes. The end.
A/N every review makes my week, and suggestions are ALWAYS welcome!