Author's Notes:
CONVERSATION KEY
*When characters are speaking out loud, quotes will be used.
*When characters are signing with their hands, italics will be used. (Italics will be used in other places as well, i.e. to emphasize certain words/phrases. Please keep that in mind.)
*When characters are communicating via iPad or e-mail, bold will be used.
*Bella's conversations with others, signing and writing, will ALWAYS be encased in *stars*.
*Edward's conversations with Bella, signing and writing, will remain unmarked.
*Any other characters that sign in a chapter will have their conversations encased in {brackets}.
Many thanks to azure0610 for acting as my beta. Also, thanks to aerobee82 and JenEsme for pre-reading for me.
The awesome Nayarit and FluffyLiz created my beautiful banners for me.
All the usual disclaimers apply. This story is rated M for a reason.
Chapter 25 – In the Eye of the Hurricane
One Day
It was just after nine in the morning when Bella gently shook me awake. I was physically and mentally destroyed, having only fallen asleep just three hours before.
My exhaustion was nothing compared to Bella's. Her eyes were rimmed with deep, dark circles, her irises vacant and tired.
*You have to be at the hospital in an hour,* she signed.
I looked at her, confused.
I'm not going in. I've already called and left a message.
*I'm fine,* Bella signed, though her shaking hands told me she was anything but. *You don't need to stay with me.*
I sat up in bed, digging the heels of my palms into the hollows of my eyes, trying but failing to wake myself up. I wondered if I pressed hard enough if it would erase the images of the night before. The wet city streets, the flashing lights, Bella hunched over on the curb…
I want to stay with you. Besides, I'm in no shape to work today and we told Officer Thompson we'd come by the station to go over your statement.
*I haven't remembered anything else,* Bella signed before rolling over onto her side, her back facing away from me. Her behavior was confusing me, and I reached out, gently skimming my hand along the skin of her bare shoulder, trailing it down along the length of her arm. She shivered under my touch, and I cautiously pulled her to me, settling her body against my chest. It didn't take long before her tears started to fall.
"Shh," I whispered in her ear, soothing her while smoothing her hair back from her face. "Shh."
Gradually Bella's sobs subsided, reduced to intermittent gasps and sighs. When her body finally quieted against mine, the shaking gone for now, I turned her in my arms to face me. Reaching out, I tilted her chin upwards.
Are you okay?
Bella nodded, and with my right hand, I traced the circumference of her bruise. It was situated to the left of her face, just below her hairline. Thank God she didn't have a concussion. Even so, it was angry and swollen, an unwelcome reminder of last night's horrific events.
Does it hurt? I bent to kiss around the edges, taking great care not to cause her any discomfort. Bella smiled weakly at me in appreciation, her hand creeping up from between us to smooth along the stubbled skin of my cheek.
*A little, but it's tolerable. It's my hands that bother me the most.*
I winced as my eyes scanned the bandages encircling both her wrists. The rope that the perpetrator had used to bind her cut into Bella's skin, leaving behind shallow trenches. I hadn't noticed how badly she was hurt when we were sitting on the curb last night. It wasn't until we arrived at the hospital that I saw the full extent of her injuries.
Come. Let's dress those wounds. Then I'll fix us some breakfast.
*You don't have to,* Bella signed with a shake of her head. *I can do it myself.*
I don't want you to do it yourself, I insisted, capturing her hand and tenderly kissing her wrist. Please, don't push me away. Let me help you.
Bella reluctantly agreed, and I led her to the bathroom where she sat on the toilet while I changed out her bandages. Afterwards she wandered into the living room where she sat down in the middle of the couch, channel surfing while I scrambled some eggs. It was hard for me to focus on what I was doing, and I accidentally dumped the wrong seasoning into the eggs causing me to have to start over. Despite the fact that Bella was safe inside the apartment with me, I was still anxious, constantly looking over my shoulder to check up on her even though I knew she was right there. Frustrated with myself, I flicked the hallway light, catching Bella's attention. It pained me to see how red and swollen her eyes were when she looked up. She'd spent the last twelve hours in tears, and it showed.
You want to watch me?
My odd question drew a tentative, curious smile out of Bella, and I thought for a moment that my heart might beat out of my chest. It was good to see her smile, even if seconds later it slipped away.
*Do you need my help?*
No, I shook my head. I just need you near me.
It was the truth. Even though Bella was just in the other room, she wasn't close enough. After everything that had transpired, I needed her closer. Bella nodded while rising from the couch, walking towards the kitchen, and I wondered if she felt the same - if it was as difficult for her to be away from me as it was for me to be away from her. At that moment, I just needed to be able to reach out and touch her. I needed to be able to pull her into my arms and hold her close and reassure myself that she was okay. I couldn't seem to get over the fact that I could have lost her last night. There was also the nagging concern that whoever attacked her was still out there. That thought alone made my blood run cold.
Bella approached me from behind, slipping her arms around my waist and hugging me tight as I tended to the eggs. I could feel the tension slip away as she molded her body against mine, and even though her binding arms restricted my movement, if she hadn't come to me, I honestly wasn't sure I could have continued to function. My body craved togetherness right now, her presence a comfort to me, tangible proof of her vitality. If she ever let go, it would be too soon.
Order up, I signed while turning in her arms to face her. That trace of a smile ghosted across Bella's lips once more, and I smiled down at her in return. Seeing her happy, even if only for a brief moment in time, gave me hope that despite everything that had happened, she was going to be okay.
Hopefully I would be okay too.
One Week
I switched the bedroom light off and on, alerting Bella to my presence. She was getting dressed for class, her long, lean legs slipping into a pair of very flattering jeans. I suppressed a groan at the sight. Bella and I hadn't been intimate since the attack. She didn't seem to want that right now. Instead, when we went to bed together at night, she clung to me, her legs winding tightly around mine, pinning me to her. I didn't mind. All day, every day, my head was full of horrible thoughts of Bella being abducted. I couldn't help it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't excise the demons from my mind. They picked at me, taunting me, suggesting that the woman I loved might not always be mine. She could be taken from me. She was almost taken from me before, and it could happen again.
It didn't help that we still had no idea who had taken Bella and why. The police had come up with absolutely nothing so far. Whoever had done this to her seemed to have disappeared into thin air. If they did apprehend a suspect, there was talk of a charge of Kidnapping with the intent to terrorize. In Florida, Kidnapping is a serious felony, and this would likely mean there would be a long and tedious trial. Bella would have to relive the horror of the night over and over again in the hope that justice would be served. I shuddered to think what that would be like, but if it meant whoever had abducted her was ultimately sent to jail, it would be worth it in the end.
Bella turned and faced me, offering me a small smile when she saw me standing there. One week later, her smiles were still few and far between, but with each passing day, she slipped further back into her routine, her terror and anxiety over what happened lessening, if only a little bit. I wished I could say the same for me.
I hate to rush you, but we need to get going. I have a meeting scheduled with my piano professor in half an hour.
*I'm okay to drive myself this morning,* came Bella's unexpected response. *I'll park close to the building and walk directly to class, I promise.*
I'd really rather drive you myself, I insisted. I didn't like the idea of Bella driving to and from school alone. It was too soon. It would only be one week tomorrow that she had been blindfolded, gagged and bound before being dragged through the streets of Ybor City. I shuddered involuntarily at the thought, preferring not to think about that right now. It was all I dreamt about at night, and I was barely able to focus on anything else during the day.
*Okay, I'll just be one minute,* Bella acquiesced with a small sigh, thankfully deciding not to argue with me. Not that I thought she would. Bella didn't want to be left alone any more than I wanted to leave her alone, so I turned and walked away, allowing her some privacy so that she could finish dressing.
This had been our routine over the course of the past week. I rearranged my schedule so that I could escort Bella to and from school. Once on campus, I made every effort to walk her to class myself. Emmett and Jake helped out, with Rose filling in when the rest of us weren't available. Between all of us, we managed to watch over Bella virtually round the clock. I never wanted her to be alone or out of sight. I was panicked that whoever had gone after her in Ybor City was still out there somewhere, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the opportunity to finish what they had started. This fear I had was all but debilitating; whoever had taken Bella had fucked with more than just her life. He'd fucked with mine and that of all her friends too.
Bella emerged from the bedroom, her backpack slung across her shoulder and her hair pulled back in a loose braid.
You look nice. I reached for her hand, linking our pinky fingers together and tugging her gently forward. Our lips met and I kissed her softly.
You have the schedule for today, right?
Bella nodded, reaching behind her to pat her backpack.
*It's inside. I don't need it, anyway. You're taking me to school this morning, Jake's meeting me for lunch and Emmett will be there to pick me up this afternoon.*
At 3:50 sharp. I'm sorry I can't be there, but I can't miss class.
*It's okay,* she reassured me, her hand coming up to settle over my heart. *I'll be all right.*
I took a deep breath, doing my best to calm my nerves. It had been like this every day this week. It was hard for me to leave Bella's side in the morning, my instinct being to keep her near. I wanted to be with her at all times, to watch over her and protect her. It was the only way I felt settled these days... when she was directly in my line of sight. Being away from her was very difficult for me, but thankfully we kept in constant contact via texting.
I'll be home no later than six. If you'd like, I could pick up some take-out.
*I thought I might go to the store, instead. My refrigerator's completely bare. We don't even have milk to eat a bowl of cereal.*
By yourself? I asked, trying not to appear as nervous as I felt at her suggestion.
Bella nodded her head.
*It's just up the road, Edward. I'll be fine.*
Why don't you wait for me? I signed. I'll be home by six. That's plenty of time to go to the store together. We can pick up some take-out after, or if you prefer, we can cook something. I know this week's been kind of crazy. I could use a home cooked meal myself.
Bella sighed, and I thought for a moment that she might stick to her guns and insist on going to the store herself, but she didn't. Instead she just nodded her head in reluctant acceptance.
*We'd better get going,* she signed, walking past me to the front door. *You're going to be late.*
Later that night, Bella and I lay naked under the sheets. She had let me make love to her, and I was slow and tender, giving her multiple orgasms before allowing myself to let go. I ran my fingers along her hairline now, marveling at how fast the knot on her head was healing. Her hands were healing too, no longer requiring bandages. But though her physical wounds were well on their way to becoming no more than a distant memory, the emotional wounds ran deep. This was true for both Bella and me.
How are you feeling? I asked, gingerly stroking the side of her face. It's been a long week. You must be exhausted.
*I am. But going back to school was the right thing to do. I think I would have gone crazy sitting around the apartment all day. I wouldn't have been able to think about anything other than what happened.*
I thought about it all week, anyway, I confessed.
Bella looked upon me with weary brown eyes laden with sorrow and regret.
*I'm sorry this has been so hard on you.*
I was so scared that night, I admitted. I don't ever want to lose you. The thought terrifies me. I scooted closer to her, wanting to feel every part of her skin on mine.
*I'm right here,* Bella reminded me, reaching out to place her hand over my heart as she centered me with me with her gaze. *I'm not going anywhere.*
I closed my eyes, letting her words ground me. They were exactly what I needed to hear only I had a hard time believing them.
Make love to me again. I need to feel you. I need...
Bella silenced me with her touch, her fingers slipping below my waist and guiding me inside her. I exhaled a shaky sigh when we were finally connected. If only things could remain this way forever. If only we could remain locked inside our little room, safe from the world around us.
If only.
Two Weeks
Tuesdays were one of Bella's long days at school. She was either in class or teaching all day long. I was thankful for that. It meant she had little reason, if any, to leave the College of Behavioral Sciences building which suited me just fine. I worried about her less when she remained in one location throughout most of the day. It was also easier for me. I didn't have to coordinate picking her up and dropping her off several times a day.
Two weeks after the incident in Ybor City, I still felt the need to keep a watchful eye over Bella, but all the schedule coordination and running around that entailed was beginning to take its toll on me. I was fucking exhausted, in every sense of the word. Today, I had dropped Bella off at class at eight in the morning, met her for lunch at one o'clock, escorted her to the library at 2:30 and was now returning to campus at 5:50 to pick her up after teaching her last class. I had skipped my own last class of the day, opting instead to go home to try and catch a few hours of sleep. I knew it was irresponsible of me, but neither Bella nor I was sleeping all that well at night, and I knew I would be worthless later on if I didn't get some rest in the afternoon.
I parked in the lot behind the College of Behavioral Sciences, entering the building through a set of rear doors. As I strolled down the hall towards the front lobby where Bella usually waited for me, I glanced in the classroom where she taught her last class of the day, just in case she had to stay behind to speak with one of her students. I saw that the door was left open, but the light was switched off, so I continued forward on my path. Rounding the corner at the end of the hall, I fully expected to see her waiting for me, only today she wasn't there.
I took a deep breath, reminding myself to remain calm. Just because Bella wasn't waiting for me at the front of the building didn't mean there was an immediate cause for concern. It was only 5:55, five minutes after her class had been dismissed. Perhaps she had gone upstairs to her office to drop off some paperwork before leaving for the day, or maybe she needed to have a few words with her advisor. I darted up the stairs, jogging to the end of the hall where a small collection of graduate student offices were located, but her light was off and the door was closed. After a thorough check of the rest of the building, which included sending several strangers into all the women's restrooms, I concluded that Bella wasn't inside.
My heart skipped a beat in my chest, the familiar feeling of panic seeping into my veins and slowly taking hold of me. Whipping my phone out of my pocket, I sent Bella a quick text.
Where are you?
I hit send, waiting a minute for her to reply, but I didn't hear anything back so I texted her again.
I'm waiting for you inside the College of Behavioral Sciences. Please tell me where to find you.
Again, I waited, this time for two painfully long minutes, during which time I tried to come up with a logical explanation for why Bella wasn't there. I focused on anything... anything other than where my mind was determined to wander on its own. If I allowed myself to go down that road, I might have a nervous breakdown.
Fucking, please! Where are you, Bella? You're scaring me!
I texted her again as I bolted out the front door of the building. Damn it! She knew how important it was for her to wait for me inside, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she had left, not to mention why she wasn't responding to my texts. In a matter of moments I was breathing heavily as I sprinted across the lawn. I wasn't sure where I was headed; I just knew I needed to find Bella.
I was about to turn in the direction of the cafeteria, thinking that maybe she had decided to grab a bite to eat, when I saw it - a small hand waving at me from under the umbrella of a large tree standing fifty yards away. Relief immediately washed over me, nearly bringing me to my knees, but adrenaline still coursed through my body and my muscles were still wound tight. I marched over to Bella with an angry scowl on my face.
What the hell are you doing? I signed in aggravation when I stood before her. The smile present on her face only moments before quickly fell.
*Edward, what's wrong?*
What's wrong? What's fucking wrong? I was sure I looked like a complete lunatic, waving my hands frantically about, but I didn't care. You scared the shit out of me, Bella! I didn't know where you were! Why the hell didn't you answer my texts?
Bella narrowed her eyes at me, her indignation plain to see.
*Calm down,* she ordered, pinning me with a furious stare. *My phone is in my bag. I didn't realized you'd texted me.*
Why didn't you wait for me inside? We have a plan, Bella, and we need to stick to it!
*A plan?* she angrily shot back.
Yes, a plan. For the last two weeks you've met me inside the building. Why are you suddenly sitting outside? It's not safe!
*Edward, this is getting to be ridiculous! You're not my keeper!* Bella sharply signed, her face set hard in anger. *You can't keep me locked up just because you think it's safe! I'm fine! I just wanted a little bit of fresh air, that's all. It's such a beautiful evening out...*
Bella's hands fell to her side as she took in my bedraggled appearance. My face was flushed, my breathing was labored and my eyes were wide with worry. Angry and defensive one moment, she was sympathetic the next, reaching out with her hand to calm me with her touch.
*Come sit with me,* she beckoned with a resigned sigh, and I grasped her hand tightly in mine, holding onto her for dear life. Touching her, it was like someone had plugged me back in. I felt connected... whole again. I sat down by Bella's side, immediately pulling her into a firm hug. She returned the embrace, securing her arms around the center of my back and guiding my head into the crook of her neck. She held me there for several long minutes, her fingers pulling gently through my hair in short and soothing strokes.
She was comforting me. Bella was comforting me.
I'm sorry, I signed when I had finally calmed down enough to speak. I... when I couldn't find you, I panicked. You weren't in the building and I didn't know where you were and...
*Stop.*
Bella's hands slipped overtop of mine, suspending them in midair. *It's okay. I understand.*
My eyes fell closed as I struggled to remain in control of my emotions. I felt like I was losing it... losing total control of my entire life. Two short weeks ago, everything was as it should be. My life was as close to picture perfect as I thought possible. But ever since Bella had been taken, I was increasingly preoccupied with thoughts of what if, and these thoughts were slowly starting to eat me alive.
*Are you okay?* Bella tentatively signed once I opened my eyes again. Her own were shadowed over by deep concern - concern for me.
I shrugged my shoulders, unable to articulate an honest answer. I didn't want to admit how fucked up I really was - that even in his absence, the presence of the man who had violated her was still so strong.
*Edward, we can't do this,* she continued with a sad shake of her head. *We can't let some anonymous individual completely control our lives!*
I was really fucking scared that night, I signed in response, the feelings still so strong inside of me that it felt like just yesterday that Bella had been taken. Why does this seem easy for you? I wondered, my forehead falling against hers. You're so pulled together, and I'm a complete wreck.
*It's not easy,* Bella signed, her eyes meeting mine in a pointed gaze. *Believe me, it's not. But I won't let some person I don't even know invade my life and change every part of who I am. I don't like feeling out of control, Edward. I don't like looking over my shoulder every second of every day. I don't like feeling scared all the time. I... I can't live my life like that.*
Bella stared deep into my eyes, a helpless expression etched deep into the lines of her face. Although she didn't say it, I knew I contributed to her anxiety. I tried not to hover too much, but the truth of the matter was I hadn't let her out of my sight more than a handful of times since she had been taken two weeks prior. When she wasn't with me, I made sure she was with someone else. I constantly hounded Bella, reminding her to be watchful and to tell me if she saw anything out of the ordinary. God only knows I gave her cause for being on edge, and I hated that, but I didn't know what to do to change that.
*I need some space,* Bella signed, and I immediately froze at her words. *Not that type of space,* she rushed to explain after seeing the panicked expression on my face. *I just don't want to feel like I'm a prisoner anymore. The sooner we get back to living our lives, the sooner we can put this episode behind us.*
I think it's too soon to let our guard down, I signed, feeling strongly that we still needed to remain vigilant.
*Edward... whoever did this to me, they're not coming back. It was a crime of opportunity, and the more I think about it, I'm willing to bet Officer Thompson might be right. For whatever reason, the perpetrator was looking to put the fear of God in me. He accomplished his objective and he left.*
But why? I signed in frustration. I still can't figure out why!
*I don't know!* Bella responded in frustration, just as fed up with the situation as me. *All I know is that I refuse to give my life over to this monster. Two weeks... two weeks, Edward, we've been running from our own shadows! It's not right. I want us to be us again,* she pleaded, her hand coming to rest on top of my thigh. *Can you please just try? Can you just try to relax a little? It's what we both need.*
I knew Bella was right. I really did need to try and let go. We both did, but I didn't know how. I was still blinded by fear... the fear of losing Bella. As much as I hated to admit it, for the first time since knowing her, I viewed her as handicapped. She lacked a vital human sense - the sense of hearing. It had been taken from her before she ever took her first breath. Now, she wouldn't hear if someone approached her from behind. She wouldn't be able to react quickly enough to the presence of an intruder. This meant that if someone came after her again, they might be successful in accomplishing whatever sick objectives they set forth, and that thought terrified me.
Still, I knew I needed to try, if not for my sake then for Bella's.
I'll try, I said, doing my best to appear as if I actually meant what I said, but Bella is a keen observer, and she noted my lack of conviction.
*Promise me,* she pressed, her eyes boring into mine.
I will, I'll try.
One Month
I tried, I really did. I think even Bella would agree that after our talk under the tree that evening, I tried to let go. I didn't hover so closely, and I didn't text her as much. I still drove her to and from school, and I continued to do my best to ensure there was someone available to escort her around campus once she was there, but as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into a month, Bella seemed less and less willing to comply with my wishes.
It all came to a head one Monday morning. I had another early morning meeting on campus, and there was no one available to drive Bella to school later in the day. I wasn't crazy about her spending the morning alone in the apartment. We had installed a security system, but I preferred for her to be on campus, where I felt she was safe. Bella protested when I told her she needed to ride with me, and this time she put her foot down, telling me she was going to stay home and drive herself to campus when she was ready.
I really wish you'd reconsider, I signed, trying not to appear too impatient, but I didn't have time for this.
*I won't reconsider. I'm tired of depending on everybody else to watch out for me. It was a comfort in the beginning, but now it's just a nuisance!*
A nuisance?
*Yes, Edward, a nuisance! I can't go anywhere or do anything without reporting to you beforehand, and even then, you insist upon a chaperone. Four weeks ago, I needed that. It helped me to feel safe. But I don't need it anymore. Can't you see? I want to get back to normal, is that so much to ask?*
It's not safe, Bella. We still don't know...
*We'll probably never know!* Bella signed in frustration, waving her hands angrily in front of me. *We'll never know who abducted me because it was a random act! I've come to terms with that, Edward, and the police have too. It's past time you did the same!*
So what are you suggesting? That we just go back to the way things were before?
*That's exactly what I'm saying, and it's not a suggestion. I'm telling you what we both need, Edward, and that is to let the fuck go! These past few weeks, we've turned into shadows of our former selves. We never go out anymore – we travel from the apartment to campus and back again. Going to the grocery is a luxury! I understand what happened affected us both, but for whatever reason, it doesn't seem like you're able to let it go!*
You're right. I can't.
*Why not? Why are you making such a big deal out of this?*
Why am I making a big deal out of this? Are you even serious? Bella, you were kidnapped! Why are you pretending like what happened isn't important? I countered in angry disbelief. Oh, right, because that's what you do. You gloss everything over and pretend things don't matter, even when it comes to your own safety! You have no sense of self-preservation, Bella, and it's really starting to frustrate me!
*You're suffocating me Edward!*
I reeled in shock, Bella's exclamation taking me completely by surprise and hitting me with a force I wouldn't have expected. I stepped back from her, affronted by her words.
I love you! I signed, still trying to process what she'd just said. I want you to be safe! How can you say I'm suffocating you when all I want is for you to be safe?
*But at what expense? Bella signed in response, her face twisted tight in frustration. You're killing me, Edward... you're killing us! You tell me what to do on a daily basis and I just... I can't live my life like that anymore. I won't be controlled by you, Edward, I won't. I'm deaf, but that doesn't mean I'm defenseless or that I need someone to direct my life for me. I've fought too hard and for too long not to let that happen.*
That's not what I'm trying to do.
*But if feels that way to me.*
I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.
*Ease up on me, Edward. Give me some room to breathe,* Bella pleaded.
If that means compromising your safety, then I'm not sure I can...
*Then I'm not sure we have a future together. I can't... I just can't...*
Bella please... I moved toward her, wanting desperately to fix this clusterfuck of a situation we found ourselves in, but she backed away from me.
*I think we both need some time,* she signed while shaking her head sadly. *We both need some time to figure things out.*
Are you breaking up with me? I asked, my hands barely able to form the words. I was shaking now, my hands trembling uncontrollably between us.
*No, I'm not breaking up with you,* Bella signed in response. *But I need some space.*
Two weeks ago, Bella had said the very same thing, only then she'd quickly reassured me she didn't need space from me. She didn't do that now. Instead, she just stood quietly in the hallway, watching me out of sad, resigned eyes.
*You're going to be late,* she said, and while I couldn't care less about my meeting, it was clear she wanted me to leave. I could try to fight her, convince her that she was being unreasonable, but I knew it would do no good. Bella had made up her mind, and if I pushed her, I might lose her for good.
When will I see you again? I asked, swallowing back the thick lump that was quickly forming in the back of my throat.
I wouldn't fucking cry.
*We'll know when the time is right,* came Bella's vague response.
I didn't want to, but I knew I had no other choice but to respect her wishes. Stepping forward, I bent to kiss her temple, letting my lips linger for a long moment before pulling back and stepping away.
I love you, I signed. Please be safe.
*I love you too,* she signed back, but for the first time since we'd exchanged those sacred words, the sentiment didn't bring me any comfort.
Endnotes:
I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow and will be unable to reply to reviews during the two weeks that I'll be gone. The only internet connection available where I'm going is courtesy of a little coffee shop in the heart of the one stop light town. I will do my best to try and post the next chapter sometime next week. Thank you for your understanding!
Thank you for reading.
Follow me on Twitter - misgatoslocos! I'll follow you back!