I couldn't believe that our week in Aptos was almost over, the rest of the days just seemed to fly by and I had mixed emotions about it. I missed my parents and it was great to be able to see them, but it was even more clear now that Forks is where I was supposed to be. Don't get me wrong, the sun was a beautiful thing, it had felt simply amazing to let it bake my skin while I laid in Jake's arms but I was actually very content with the rain these days. Aptos was just a vacation spot, Jake was my home- I belonged with him and that meant I belonged in Forks.

I guess that's the incredible thing about visits-you really learned to appreciate things. You realize that you really have to cherish the moments you have because before you know it, it was time turn back around. Plus, it makes you excited to go back to the life you lead day to day. I couldn't wait to lay in our bed with Jake's heart pounding softly against my ear in unison with the sound of falling water on the roof.

So, all in all I was okay with the end that was coming, I thoroughly enjoyed my time here. Sure, there were some hiccups, but the past couple of days had gone off without a hitch. I learned very quickly that sex on the beach wasn't really the so appealing the day after. Jake and I had matching sand burn type irritation on our knees which was slightly painful and I was flabbergasted by the places where sand could work itself into. Mom hadn't missed the signs of our exhibition, I was thoroughly grossed out by the fact that she could make the connection to these marks, and thankfully my Dad didn't (or maybe he just chose to ignore it-either way I was appreciative).

We celebrated my twenty-first and my Mother's fortieth birthday with a beautiful dinner at a swanky restaurant followed by a crazy night out at the bars. Jake, Mom and I had a blast and loaded the jukebox with an inconceivable about of money to keep the atmosphere celebratory and exciting. I couldn't think of a more perfect trio for that special night (although my Dad would beg to differ-but then again he did spend three hours holding Mom's hair back after one too many French Martinis and her bar top performance of Don't Stop Believing). And the next day was spent lounging by the ocean with a lot of hangover remedies and ordered in food.

Dad and I had a really intense heart to heart last night when I asked if he could get my box out of his safe. He'd been floored when I'd told him I wanted it and he delivered but not before we talked about what this meant. I thought he was going to cry when I told him that I knew that I was ready to have it out in the open and that I didn't see it as a painful token of a lost future anymore but rather a pleasant reminder of times passed.

And then this morning, I'd gotten up with the sun and slipped out before anyone else was even out of bed. But not before I snuck into the guest bedroom and watched the serenity that was produced by Jake's deep sleep. I loved seeing him in such a delicate state because it didn't happen often and I let myself enjoy the way his light snore vibrated his beautiful lips and the peaceful nature of his completely relaxed expression. It's weird how something as simple as sleep can be so beautiful if it's the right person doing it; I could have watched him for hours but I knew that despite how deeply he slept, he'd eventually feel my eyes on him and wake and I didn't really want to be caught soaking up his peacefulness.

So, I kissed his forehead lightly and left a note under his cell phone, knowing it was the first thing he checked every morning. It told him that I had gone to take care of something before we left tonight, that I'd be back as soon as possible and that I loved him very much. I didn't tell him where I was going because somehow I felt he would know without me explaining. I left a similar note by the coffee pot (my Mom's first destination upon waking) and made my way further south along the coast line towards a place that I hadn't been to in a long time. The last time I'd come down here, it had not been productive in the least; I'd wound up laying on the overturned earth sobbing and beating at it with my fists-I was so scared and angry then. I know I probably should have come again before I left Aptos earlier in the year, but I hadn't known what to say then-I was just determined to make as clean of a break as possible. But today I knew what had to be said and I was okay with saying it finally. I climbed out of my car and pushed my hands into the deep pockets of my thigh length Burberry mini trench coat as I walked through the steel gates.

I wasn't feeling a wave of impending doom as I had assumed I would, I actually felt extremely at ease and in control as I took in the early autumn foliage of the area. I was astonished by how beautiful I found it, seeing as how it had been practically the same time of the year last time I came. I had seen it as bleak and unwelcoming then, it was an evil place full of depression and agony. The trees then had hung dangerously over the graves, reaching out to draw the life out of the living who came to pay their respects and the sun didn't shine there-it was dark and cold. But this morning I heard the birds chirping musically in the trees that swayed lightly in the breeze, their limbs offering shelter to those who sat beneath them, and the sun shone brilliantly through their changing leaves, throwing sparking beams of light magically off the headstones. Now I could see it as a rest place not a graveyard.

I started up the small hill of immaculately tended grass, passed the stones that had toy cars and flowers left on them-tokens of the lives they left behind. I came finally to the far corner of the yard, the steel fence with climbing vines creeping beautifully along the rods at it's back and a dogwood blooming to it's side. I smiled as I stood before the shining onyx hued marble stone that had once been a marker of my despair and ran my hand slowly along the smooth, high polished top as I spoke in a soft tone that would be deemed appropriate for a bittersweet reunion, "Hey you." I crouched before it and ran my fingers through the now tattered red and black tassel that I had hung from the ornate corner molding on my last visit, "I'm sorry it's been so long since I've come to see you, it's not that I've forgotten you-but I'm sure you know that." I ran my fingers through the etching on the front of it as I continued, "I just had to miss you from afar for awhile, it hurt too much to see you here, before. But I'm okay with it now."

I settled down into the grass, sitting cross legged before his headstone and continued as I played with a fallen blossom in my fingers, "I moved up to Washington a while back. I'm staying with my Uncle Jackson right now, you know the one who came down that one fall when we were like twelve for the Oakland game, yeah him. It's different up there-it rains more than anything else. But it makes everything this amazing emerald hue and I actually enjoy it." I laughed softly at the words before continuing, "I know, it's so uncharacteristic for me to not miss the sun but I actually don't. I guess it has a lot to do with the people I share the rain with. I have this amazing girlfriend-yes I know something else that seems out of sorts. But she's amazing. Her name is Emily and she's crazy and loud yet so ridiculously safe and calming that I can't help but love her. She's exactly the sister I always wanted growing up. And her boyfriend is Sam-he's mostly reserved and quiet, but he emits this energy that puts you so at ease that you can't resist the urge to be around him because you know that with him everything is going to be okay when he's there."

I smiled sweetly and twirled the blossom as I continued, "And Embry-he's amazingly innocent and pure. He was my very first friend up there. I got lost-no shocker there-and he rescued me and I couldn't help but trust him almost instantly. His virtue is comforting because it's rare and it reassures you that there is good left in the world. And then there's Quil, he's a character. He's very timid at first but once he opens up, whoa, it's hysterical. He's dramatic and flamboyant at time and I cant help but find it entertaining. And Paul, oh Paul, he is this brute who most everyone hates. He is aggressive, assertive, forward and conceded but he would be the first one to come to your defense. He uses his prominent qualities to push people away but if you get far enough behind those walls you get a glimpse of his compassion, but he wouldn't want you seeing it if he could help it."

I shook my head softly as I thought of Paul, the misunderstanding that swirled around him was his fuel and it drove him slightly crazy that I saw through it. My thoughts kept placid and I was soon speaking about someone else, "And Jared is ridiculous and I thoroughly enjoy it. He's witty, crude and normally my comedic relief. He is totally spontaneous too, which I absolutely love; one night he actually woke Jake and I up at two am and talked us in to cliff diving with him, right then." I laughed softly as I remembered that night, it had been so exhilarating to cliff dive in the moonlight for no other reason other than that we felt like it. "He may disregard safety sometimes, but he'd never let anything happen to me. He's real protective of me in a brotherly sort of way. You know he actually told Jake if he ever hurt me that Jake ought to be more scared of him than anyone else because years of friendship had taught him all Jake's habits and hiding spots-so, no matter where he went or what he did he'd find him," I paused momentarily and smiled again remember the conviction in his voice as I spoke to him that night when Emily and I had stumbled upon their conversation.

"Which brings me to Jake," I said in a loving manner as I drew the blossom to my nose and inhaled it's sweet aroma, "He is the most amazingly crucial part of Washington. He's loving, powerful, passionate, beautiful and brilliant. He's this breathtaking soul that makes everything worth it. He smiles at me and no matter how bad things are, the world is instantly brighter. And when he touches me, it ignites this fire inside of me that I thought was gone. And somehow, he's mine." I smiled as I said it, completely exhilarated by the words. "He wants to marry me, I'm not supposed to know this, but part of me already knew it-and I want to spend forever with him. It's crazy to think it, but I can't imagine a future that is anything other then that. I want to do all those beautiful and scary things with him," I exhaled slightly as I picture our life together. A home that we built, children that we made and happiness that we created for each other. It was a magical future, something out of a story book. "And it's not that fake you think you'll make it kind of relationship-it's that insanely intense sort of togetherness where you know no matter what happens you'll be okay as long as that person holds your eyes and tells you they love you… thank you for that Caleb. Thank you for guiding me to Jake-you always were good at knowing what was better for me than I did," I said as left the blossom on the ledge of his stone.

"I understand it all now Cay, I finally get why you did what you did that night-because you knew I was meant to live like this, to live for him. I never did thank you for what you did, I always cursed you for it, but I can finally appreciate it now. But instead of just saying two simple words that have no real significance, I'm going to thank you everyday with every breath I take, with every moment I live and with every shred of love I give him for the rest of my life," I said as I placed my hand on his stone and stood, gently stroking it's top.

"I don't know when I'll be back, I can't promise it won't be a long time, but I know that you understand that coming here would stop me from living-from moving forward. But I will think of you often, every beautiful moment of my life will be because of you, because of your sacrifice and I will remember that always-no matter how often I come here. Rest peacefully darling," I said as I kissed my hand softly and pressed it to the marble.

I turned then and strode back towards the car, my hair blowing softly in the crisp cool breeze that carried with it the scent of the dogwood. I was okay with leaving him finally, I was okay with living, it didn't hurt anymore-it hadn't in a long time.

As I climbed into the driver's seat the sun caught the solitary diamond of my meant to be engagement ring that hung from a gold chain from my rearview mirror with my other protective talismans and threw a rainbow of light across my dashboard. And I knew then completely and with absolute resolve that he was as much at peace with my life as I was and that he was watching over me with protective and loving eyes. He always would be guarding me from his place above us and I was okay with his guidance-it had lead me to such a beautiful place already so I could only imagine the places I had yet to go.

I put the car in reverse and back away from the cemetery as my mind drifted to Jake, I couldn't wait to get home to my beautiful boy, to get back to my future as my past faded in my rearview. I wouldn't change a thing about anything if I could because I couldn't imagine a single moment where Jacob didn't own every fiber of my being. I retrieved my cell phone from the cup holder and dialed quickly before pressing it to my ear.

With a few rings, a familiar voice surged into my mind, it was the voice of the only person that really mattered-it was my Jacob. "I'm coming home," I said sweetly, meaning it in more ways than one. And he responded to all those ways with seven simple words, "You can't get here fast enough beautiful."