Chapter 24 – Hate Me, Hate Me Not
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender
"Whoa!" he ducked just in time to avoid a boulder. He was surrounded. The room he was in was full of them, about fifty of them. Men in their uniform: green robe and triangle hat, with gloves and boots made out of earth. And they were everywhere! On every surface of the room; the floor, the walls, the ceilings. Everywhere. And, to make matter worse, the only exit from the room was sealed by an earth wall one of those men bended. He was completely surrounded… or so he wanted them to think.
He smirked at them, clearly they didn't know that his companions were with him. His companions always followed him everywhere, after all. One signal and they would come running to him. Although he might need to reconfigure his order: from 'never show yourselves until I give you my signal' to 'never show yourselves until I give you my signal but if I was surrounded by a battalion of Dai Li agents, then for Agni's sake show yourselves and help me'.
"Surprise, surprise", he sneered at them, snapping his fingers twice. And, right on cue, he heard three almost simultaneous loud thuds behind him. He smirked again at his opponents for his cavalry had come. Probably by jumping down from spirits know where like usual.
But, wait a second! Loud thuds? His companions were all master assassins, highly trained in the art of stealth. Loud thuds? They had never landed with loud thuds; they always landed perfectly, as silently as the dark of night, without any sound at all. And so, he slowly turned to his back and found that the three thuds weren't caused by his companions, but by three more agents landing just two meters behind him. And suddenly, a female could be heard shouting from behind the rock wall blocking the exit.
"ROCKY!!! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!"
Of course… those three dimwits must have got separated from him. No choice but to fight alone, he thought unsheathing his sword. Well, at least until those three found a way to break down the wall and join him, hopefully he would still be alive by then.
"I hate Dai Li agents", he sighed.
Lin woke up from his sleep, rubbing his head. He hadn't been sleeping well the previous night, thanks to the excitement from the festival, maybe that was why he dreamt about being surrounded by countless of strange people. He spent most of the night trying to figure out who the sleeping girl he saw in his… oh, what was it again? vision?
That girl was certainly the most beautiful he had ever seen, even though he didn't know who she was or even if she was real or just a product of his imagination. He hoped she was real; he would like to meet her. But, just who was she? Lin still couldn't shake off the feeling that he knew that girl, that girl with the most beautiful long raven hair fluttering softly on the beach's warm breeze; her angelic face so calm and docile as she slept in his arms; her small frame, light and fragile; he could even remember the scent of her hair, soothing and calming like the smell of fresh jasmine; the warmth of her body, so sacred and alive; her smooth skin caressing his hand. But, who was she?
But since he had no progress in jogging his memory, probably because he had just woken up from his disturbed sleep, he decided to do his morning ritual: yawning and pulling a scroll out of his nightstand's drawer. He unrolled the scroll and read the poem for the thousandth of times.
With these two things does a man raise his fist.
Hatred, that I no longer have.
And courage, that I have never had.
But, it didn't matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to understand what it meant. His grandfather said it was supposed to be the secret to the true essence of the Celestial Dragon Style. So, it must be some sort of a riddle.
With these two things does a man raise his fist.
What did it mean? Raise his fist… people raised their fist when they were fighting. Maybe it referred to firebending. So, logically the first line meant that in order to embrace the true essence of the Celestial Dragon Style, to bend fire like how a true master should, two things were needed. Or rather, two things were not needed, because the next two lines explained that even the Great Yi didn't have them: hatred and courage.
Hatred, that I no longer have.
His grandfather had stressed over and over again about the importance of the absence of emotion in firebending. 'Fire is the element of passion. A firebender's emotion closely affects the magnitude of his firebending'. Lin had heard these words thousands of times before. And yet, Yi in his death poem was insinuating that 'hatred' is needed in his style, that 'hatred' is a key to achieve a true mastery of his art. But, he also said that he 'no longer have' hatred, meaning he didn't use hatred. So, which is it! Is hatred needed or not?
And courage, that I have never had.
Courage. The same problem here. Yi was insinuating that 'courage' was important, but he didn't have it, 'never had' it even. But, unlike 'hatred', not having courage is absurd. Without courage, how can someone move a muscle in the presence of danger? How could Yi become the great general he had been without courage?
Lin hastily cast his scroll back into his drawer as someone opened his door rather noisily. Jiang, however, caught the sudden movement and narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"What are you hiding?" Jiang asked cautiosly, suspecting some new ink ball or something.
Lin was tempted to say 'nothing', but he knew better. There was no way his father would take 'nothing' as an answer. He had never told anyone about the scroll, not even his father. It was a direct order from his grandfather, after all. And so, sighing submissively, Lin reopened his drawer and pulled out a scroll, a completely different scroll, and handed it out to his father. Thankfully, the two scrolls were almost the same size.
Jiang hesitated for a moment. He's at that age already, he thought, feeling an inexplicable sadness and, strangely, pride. It's time for a serious father and son talk, he thought again, receiving the scroll and unrolled it. And as he did so, he saw his wife smiling back from the scroll. And Lin, for the first time in a while, saw the familiar expression of loneliness on his father's face as if Jiang had suddenly reverted back to his cold and distant self. But, as he sat down on the bed beside his son, still not taking his eyes from the portrait, his face soften.
"She had a tiny thin scar here", Jiang said lovingly, pointing at his wife's right temple which was covered by her bangs. "One of her traps went off."
"She was caught in her own trap?" Lin incredulously asked. How could his mother, the greatest prankster of all time, the matron of all practical jokes, do the most foolish mistake any disciples of the delicate art of prankster could ever make: getting caught in her own trap?
"No, not really", Jiang scoffed. "She was setting a trap. For me. And then I accidentally walked in on her and surprised her from behind. And then, 'poof'. Whatever it was, it exploded and the shrapnel cut her forehead."
"So, it was your fault", Lin accused, trying to stifle his laughter.
"Well, in a way, yes", Jiang laughed, taking his eyes of the scroll and cast a fond look at his son. "She refused to talk to me for a week until a pay a tribute."
"What tribute?"
"A box of almond cookies."
Inner fire, chi, breathe, fire…
Inner fire, chi, breathe, fire…
Inner fire, chi, breathe, fire…
In just one year, these things had become as natural as breathing or sleeping for Azula. She had mastered at least the mid-level of the Royal Family style of firebending, a feat that none had ever done before. But that wasn't enough, not for Ozai. As he watched his daughter danced, performing the kata in the training room, he realized that something still wasn't quite right about her.
Still too much of her mother in her, too much weakness. And Ozai swore that he would never stop until the very last bit of Ursa was drained away from his daughter. He was running out of time, who knew how much time General Jiang would take to conquer the western coast of the Earth Kingdom. He was still relying on the general's mutual distaste on Ursa's proposal, yes, but he also noticed that the general had changed, Jiang had become weak! Ozai used to like the man: cold, cunning, calculative, powerful, and full of pride; very much like him. But now, the man had weakened.
Ozai suspected that he could no longer rely completely on Jiang's refusal, he even suspected that Jiang had somehow reconsidered to accept Ursa's proposal. It would be a tragedy for the Fire Nation Royal Family, for him to be more specific, if Ursa's proposal was accepted by the Lin Family. There was no way he would let anyone take his precious daughter away from him, even if it wouldn't be happening until the girl turned sixteen.
The only thing he could rely on now was the mission General Jiang had been sent to do: to secure the western coast of the Earth Kingdom. Being located directly on the border between the two nations, it was no surprise that the Western Earth Base was reputed to be the strongest military base of the Earth Kingdom. Located strategically at the foot of an impassable tall mountain range, there were only two ways to capture this base: the easier but more time consuming way by attacking via land from the north (which was what Jiang did more than ten years ago) and the harder but faster way by attacking the base from the west by ships. Jiang would choose the former option, Ozai knew. But, Ozai pondered, when Jiang captured the base more than ten years ago, he only had thirty men with him and it took him less than a week. Now, he would lead a full battalion. Ozai wouldn't be surprised if this mission would be over in days time. Something must be done…
"I'm finished, Dad", Azula's voice snapped Ozai off his thought. If there was one thing that had never failed to amaze him, it was his daughter, his perfect little daughter. Look at her… she was like a sponge, absorbing whatever it was Ozai taught him with so much ease, be it firebending techniques, basics or advanced; or knowledge like politics, history, and set of values and beliefs. His little perfect apprentice. But, she still had her most fatal flaw and Ozai, for one, abhorred flaws. Something must be done about her, too. And Ozai knew just what had to be done…
"Good, Azula", Ozai smiled, cunningly, of course. He was incapable of smiling kindly, even though it was just pretending. He then patted the seat next to him, gesturing his daughter to sit down there. "Come, Azula. Sit next to me."
And Azula, as innocent as she was, beamed with happiness by the gesture. She literally flung herself to the seat, grinning, much to Ozai's delight. It was a good thing, Ozai thought again. At least his influence was growing.
"So, Azula", Ozai drawled, his cunning smile still lingered on his face, she won't see it coming, all for the better. "Did you have fun in the festival last night?"
And Azula's smile faltered a bit. She thought her father would be mad at her for being separated from her bother and friends. Little did she know that Ozai wasn't interested it the least about such trivial matter.
"Y-yeah", Azula stuttered a bit. "It was fun."
"Really?" Ozai asked again, noticing the girl's blush and awkward fidget, a flaw! "Tell me about it."
And after hesitating for a while, Azula begun telling Ozai the story of what went on in the festival, omitting a little part here and there, obviously, especially about the part where she got separated from Zuko and the others. She made it sound like they met up with Lin and his cousin and then they went to the festival together as a big group without actually denying that she was separated from Zuko and the others, praying to the spirits that her father really hadn't sent any guards to spy on them. But, Ozai didn't really care although the fact that his daughter was lying to him ticked him off a bit. Well, Ozai reasoned in his mind. She wasn't lying, she just wasn't telling the truth. A smart move…
"—then we went home together", Azula concluded her story, sweating nervously under her father's stare.
"I see", Ozai nodded, not showing any sign of emotion so it was hard for Azula to decide whether her father was suspecting if she was hiding something or not. Hopefully no, Azula prayed.
"It must have been fun", Ozai spoke again with the usual calmness in his tone.
"Yup", Azula beamed, relief because her father didn't show any sign of anger.
"Say, Azula", Ozai said again, pulling something from behind his back. "I found this in your room."
Azula's eyes widened as she noticed that the black and white furry thing his father was holding was the stuffed panda Lin won for her last night. Azula, unlike any other girl her age, was never fond of dolls and stuffed animals, especially stuffed animals, since Zuko traumatized her when she was two by shoving a giant komodo rhino plushie inside her baby crib with her in it. Azula could still faintly remember how the horrible black thing, which was almost as big as herself, looked almost alive as she rocked her cage violently, crying out for her mom. But the stuffed panda, somehow Azula liked it. She couldn't explain why, maybe because it was a gift and it was polite to like a gift.
"Did you win this?" Ozai asked again, putting the panda on the girl's lap.
"Umm", Azula hesitated for a while, hugging the panda. "Nope."
"No?" Ozai raised his brow questioningly. It was just an act, of course. He had received a full report from the guards he sent to spy on the girl. "Did Zuko win it for you?"
"What? Zuzu?" Azula laughed. She didn't realize that her father intentionally used 'Zuko' and not 'your brother'. "Oh, come on, Dad. As if Zuzu could win anything."
"True, my daughter", Ozai laughed. Azula felt relief, partly because she managed to distract her father from the topic...
"So, who won it?"
…Dad's a tough opponent, isn't he?
"W-well", Azula fidgeted, for some reason she didn't want to tell anyone that it was Lin who won the panda for her. Even when Mai and Ty Lee asked about it last night, she had to wiggle her way out by saying that she was tired and needed to sleep. It worked for Ty Lee, not so much for Mai. And since she didn't see any opening here, she decided to tell the truth. "It was Lin who won the panda for me, Dad."
"I see", Ozai said calmly, although Azula could have sworn she saw his eye twitched. "Do you like it, Azula? The panda?"
Azula stared at the panda for a moment, with a smile that… Ugh! Ozai was tempted to slap that smile off her face. Weakness! That smile was full of it! Azula still couldn't really understand what about the stuffed panda that make her like it so much. She even hugged it when she was sleeping last night, something that made Ty Lee commented about her aura suddenly turning pink. The panda was cute, no doubt, as what all stuffed animals are supposed to be, maybe with the exception of that demonic komodo rhino plushie Zuko used to scare her when she was two. And the panda was squishy, too.
"Yeah", Azula said finally, beaming. "I like it."
"Burn it!"
Ozai's order sounded like an axe swinging down on her. Her eyes widened with shock as her father's arctic cold words pierced through her ears. Her warm sweat from all the training suddenly turned cold and she could feel blood leaving her face, and she didn't need any mirror to tell her that she had turned as white as ghost.
"W-what?" Azula dared herself to ask. Maybe it was a joke, she thought… or hoped.
"Burn it", Ozai repeated again, his face suddenly hardened.
"B-but, why?" Azula tried to reason, pulling her panda closer to her chest.
"Because dolls are for weaklings", Ozai remained unfazed, struggling to keep himself from wrenching the abomination of a toy from her daughter's embrace and burn it himself. No, she must burn that thing herself for this lesson to take effect.
"B-but", Azula stuttered, trying to defend her panda although inside her mind she was beating herself for challenging her father. "I-it's not a doll. It's a stuffed animal."
And she shrunk under her father's glare. See! She cursed herself again. I shouldn't have said that.
"Does it make it any different?" Ozai hissed, hatred and cold anger fumed every word. Azula, feeling helpless, cast another look at her panda. She liked it really, the panda looked really cute and, for some reason, its funny face always made her wanted to smile. But under her father's cold gaze, the panda didn't look so funny anymore.
"I-I—", Azula stuttered, trying to reason again with her father.
"Weak", Ozai's acidic scoff punched a hole on Aula's chest. He got up from his seat and slowly walked to the door, leaving his horror-stricken, dejected-feeling daughter behind. He, however, halted his pace and suppressed his victorious smug as he heard a sound of flickering fire from behind him. He had won…
"Good, Azula", he said, still trying to suppress his joy. Azula had lit the stuffed panda on fire and let it burn on the floor at her feet. She slowly turned to her father and Ozai was pleased to see her expression, the expression of emptiness, of skillfully suppressed emotion, of obedience. It was necessary if Ozai wanted to claim his daughter completely, to make her reborn into a perfect warrior. Emotions were for the weak! And Azula, the perfect daughter she was about to become, must never be weak.
"Very good, Azula", Ozai praised her again, it was also necessary. "You have proven yourself to be strong. You are not a weakling… unlike your brother."
It was also necessary to use the term 'your brother' this time although Ozai was revolted by those words. But, it was absolutely necessary, a small sacrifice on his part to win this game, a small offering to the dragon to obtain a great fire.
"Thank you, Dad", Azula's words were as empty as her face, full of ignorance, of denial. And Ozai loved it, it was perfect.
"Good", Ozai replied dismissively, spinning on his heel. "Go wash up before dinner."
And with that, he walked out of the door leaving the girl behind. She might break down crying or something, Ozai thought. But it didn't matter now. Even a mighty phoenix hatched as a weak chick before turning into the most majestic of beast. Azula needed some time, but eventually she would grow into the perfect thing Ozai wanted her to become. Eventually…
And Azula, she waited for a minute or two inside the training hall, averting her eyes from the burnt doll. And after she was sure that her father had walked a good distance away, she ran out.
Ignorance.
Azula had become a master of the art. But, even a master had a flaw, something she couldn't ignore. One of her flaws was her father; there would be a price to pay if she ignored him. And her other flaw, she didn't know why she couldn't ignore him. Maybe because he was kind to her, she didn't know. And of course, other flaw was her mother who had become so distant from her, she couldn't ignore her too but it was natural, wasn't it? But, him, why couldn't she ignore him? What's so special about him?
Azula turned on a corner without slowing down, there was still a good distance away between her and her room, and she had to get there as quickly as possible, to make sure that it was still there. Come on, come on, she goaded herself. Nobody knew about it, nobody but herself, who received it from him a year ago; her mother who said that it was pretty; and Lu Ten who explained to her the meaning behind the black and white beads. She had never told anyone about it. She certainly would never tell Zuko who, she was sure, would make fun of her. She hadn't told either Mai or Ty Lee as well, because they probably wouldn't care.
Another corner. She was panting heavily now, although it was caused more by fear than by exhaustion. Why the hell was her room so far away from the training hall, she cursed. She had always worn it everywhere, except for when she was asleep, of course. She had also always taken it off when she was training; she didn't want to accidentally break it. But, why did she give so much concern over a piece of jewelry? She was still mulling over the answer to that question because, unlike any other girls, Azula paid little heed to vanity; a trait that she inherited from her grandmother as she was once told. She did own some girlish stuff like fancy dresses or a necklace or two but she had never liked them and would never like them. She always preferred to wear a trouser than a long skirt and she just hated it when she was forced to wear her golden headpiece whenever she was attending some formal gathering with her parents.
A little bit more. She sped up now although her knees were protesting the exercise. She didn't know why she liked it, perhaps because it was simple and looked humble, not like the engraved golden bracelet Uncle Iroh gave her for her birthday two years ago. She hated golden jewelry for some reason, just like how she hated dolls.
Azula burst open the door of her room, almost broke it down from its hinges. She wildly ran towards her nightstand on which she always put it. It wasn't there! Azula felt a chill down her entire body as she frantically opened her drawers and dug her hands into it hastily; maybe she put it in there. Maybe Dad took it, too. She quickly shook the thought off. No, no… why would he be interested in a plain looking bracelet when there was a box full of golden ones right beside it.
"There!" Azula let out a relieved sighed as she ducked on the floor and found it under her bed. Apparently, in her hurry to get to the training hall that day, she hastily threw her beaded bracelet on her nightstand. It must have been knocked down and ended up under her bed. She took it hastily and just as swiftly, the terror came back to her. She must hide it.
In her jewelry box, along with the other useless piece of metal she would never wear? No, it would be the first place anyone would search for.
Inside the drawer of her nightstand? It would be the second place anyone would search for.
Azula was getting a bit frantic as she scanned around her room for a perfect place to hide the bracelet she was clutching. Where? Where would be safe enough to— there! She ran to her wardrobe. She opened the door and inspected the shelves for a moment. There! At the top shelve. That was where she put the clothes she would never ever wear, at the topmost shelve, the area where even she couldn't reach without some support. She pulled a nearby chair and set it in front of the wardrobe. She climbed on it and shoved her beaded bracelet under the mound of dresses and skirts. It would be safe there, she doubted even her father would mess with a little girl's clothes just to look for a bracelet if he was really looking for it, but better safe than sorry, right? The only person who could ever find it by accident would be her mother, an even the chance for that was really really slim. And even if her mother found it, it would be just fine.
Because she doesn't care about me…
No! Because she already knows about the bracelet and she doesn't have any problem about it.
The mean voice was coming back again, Azula realized as she slumped down on the chair, exhausted by the day's excitement.
It was just a bracelet. Just a simple bracelet. Would she really risk losing her father's love over one simple bracelet? Why did she have to hide it in the first place? Her father didn't show any sign of dislike about her having a bracelet, well he didn't even know she had it. Maybe because her father's weird expression when Lin was mentioned in their conversation. But, why? Lin was a nice kid. What reason did her father have to hate him so much? More importantly, why was she so concern about what her father thought of Lin?
After hiding the bracelet, Azula had gone to take a bath, gone back to her room to get her homework, taken her homework to the palace library and worked on her history essay, finished her essay and gone back to her room, stopped by the palace kitchen on the way to get some snack, got back to her room and prepared her books for tomorrow's school. All of that took about four hours, and not a second of those four hours was spent without her asking herself all those whys.
Why? Why? Why?
Why did she care so much about the bracelet? Azula asked herself again, chewing her cherries absentmindedly. Why did she care about Lin? Because they were friends, obviously, she convinced herself. A sudden knock on her door almost made her choked on her cherries. She quickly opened the door and there he was, her father standing on her door.
"Come, Azula", he said, his expression was calm as usual. "It's dinner time."
Ozai cast an observing look on his daughter's face. He noticed that she was a bit pale, probably because of what he made her do after her training. There were times when Ozai had to be the girl's master. And there were times when he had to act more like a father, a good father he was not. This is one of those times, Ozai thought, extending his hand to the girl. It is necessary.
Azula, smiling sweetly, took her father's hand and walked to the dining room hand in hand with him. See, she gloated inside her mind. Dad doesn't hate me.
Author's note:
About the dream sequence, I'll leave it to your speculation. :) But don't worry, it will appear again in later chapter. Much later...
And about Azula being traumatized by a komodo rhino doll, it was inspired by my friend's experience. When he was a kid, his brother scared him with a rubber snake. Being an innocent kid, he was terrified and ran to his mom, who scared him with a rubber lizard. And so, he ran to his dad... who was hiding another rubber snake behind his back (yeah... his family's evil). And since then, he was terrified of rubber animals.
And to hpswst101, about Azula being separated from Zuko, obviously it was a revenge from Zuko's part (based on a personal experience, please don't ask. T_T). And also, Ursa and Ozai fobid Zuko and Azula to get separatred from each other was for security reason, it's safer if they stick together. But, since Azula would be going with the twenty sixth Lin and Zuko with a senior practicioner, I think they were quite safe. :)
Thanks for poiting it out though. I was planning to insert this in the conversation between Zuko and Biao but I forgot. Sorry, ran out of coffee... :)