INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 25

THURSDAY

We have returned home. Thank God too. I don't think that I can handle another vacation anytime soon. And there is the fact that Danny needed to get back to pick up his new car. New Car. I know what you must be thinking, but no, he didn't have another accident. He just thought that he deserved a treat, so as any man needing to prove his manhood to the world would, he went out and bought himself a new car. Nothing but a dick waving fest in my opinion. Buying a new expensive car is the Olympics of the dick waving fest world.

"Hey Dougie! Come here for a minute! You can jerk off later!" How does he know that I am jerking off? "Be right there!" I call back to him. I need to get out of this house; there is nothing to do but jerk off. And if this keeps up, I am going to end up with Carpal Tunnel. "I'm gonna go and pick up my new car. Wanna come?" "Do I ever!" I pull my pants up and rush out the door behind him.

Danny got a Lamborginni. I don't think that he deserves a car this nice, especially when it comes to driving, he sucks. "I love your new car!" "I know. I have good taste in cars, don't I?" This sure beats the hell out of Tom's lifeless pussy car. "Fuck yeah, you do. I'm in the passenger seat and I am still likely to get some ass." Danny and I slap high fives. He swerves; that was a bad move on my part to tell him to give me a high five. He is a shitty driver as it is, I should make sure that he keeps his concentration on the bloody road. "Let's go out and party." Did he just say party? "Fuckin' right we are gonna party!"

....

I have such a hangover, and Tom showed up to make it worse. Harry is still sleeping on top of the piano. Danny is passed out next to me with vomit all over his clothes. That was one hell of a party, let me tell you. I'm surprised that they didn't call the Queen's Guard over to put an end to it, it was that out of control. I hear a car pull into the driveway and I know that the Hitler youth has pulled up in his pussy car. I glance out the window to see Tom get out of his car. He looks angrier and angrier as he looks around the yard. His eyes linger on the broken fence and the TP all over the yard. The look on his face when he sees Danny's boxers in the flower bed is priceless. It looks as if he swallowed a lemon. Tom raps on the door. "You assholes! The bloody door is locked! Open up!" I stumble to the front door dressed in toilet paper and my boxers. Tom's eyes are the size of dinner plates as he takes in the scene before him. "What the fuck went on here last night?" Harry comes down stairs wearing no pants and a bad attitude. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Tom looks appalled at Harry's question. "I live here you stupid douche." "Oh, yeah." Harry leaves Tom and me alone, as he shuffles off to the kitchen.

"Where's Danny?" Tom asks me. Danny! I don't want to hear his fuckin' name after what he did to me last night. "He's always driving his little jeep around naked. And he's got the girl that I fancy in the passenger seat." Tom looks bewildered. "What?" Oh shit! I said that last thought out loud. Danny pulls up in his little Jeep. What the fuck?! I thought that he was still passed out. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Danny asks Tom. I can't wait to see Tom's face; this is the second time that he has been asked that in under 5 minutes. "I live here! And I was also going to remind you that you have an interview today." "Oh shit! I've gotta get ready!" Danny jumps out of his Jeep and runs into the house. "He's naked." Tom points out. "Don't fuckin' ask me. The last time that I saw him he was wearing vomit covered clothes." Tom is green in colour but he still manages to look pissed off. "Are you in a shit mood because Danny gets to ride around naked in a Jeep while you go and bust your ass?" "No. I'm in a shit mood because I had to sleep outside because a certain group of assholes locked me out last night." I thought that he just pulled in a few moments ago. "Tom, didn't you just get here a little while ago?" "Yeah. I went out for breakfast and then came back." That makes sense; that is something that he would do.

"It was so cold in the fuckin' car! I would have been better off sleeping in the fuckin' dog house." Tom grumps. That would have been just the thing to see. I would pay to see Tom crammed inside a dog house. Before I can respond to Tom, the door slams open and Danny comes out looking almost the same; the only difference is that he is wearing a tie and he has a beer in hand. "I'm ready." My eyes nearly fall out and I know that Tom is wearing the same expression on his face. "You'd better get your pansy ass back in there and put some fuckin' clothes on." What has gotten into Tom today? He is using foul language (more often than he usually does). This is starting to scare me. What if Tom got abducted by aliens?! HOLY SHIT!!

....

I'm in a real shitty mood, so I am gonna complain a little here. I was walking down the street on my way back from coffee with Harry, when I heard a name that makes me want to rip my ears off. Parker. For some reason, this name aggravates me to no extent. It's a stupid fuckin' name, in my opinion. It's not even a name, to my way of thinking. Parker...Blah. "PARK HER OUT BACK!!" See? Not a name. It's something that you yell at a stupid fuck when they are trying to park at your house.

Another thing that is pissing me off is adults who dress up in costumes and go to work. That happened to me today! When I went to the cafe with Harry, I saw this guy dressed like fuckin' Pee Wee Herman. I don't know if he worked there or not, but what I really want to know is, why the fuck he was dressed like that. Or that could be his usual attire. Either way, a guy who dresses like that or wears costumes during working hours needs to have their head fuckin' examined. Yeah, I wear costumes, but it's usually at night and I am so drunk that I can't find my own clothes to wear.

People who wear a hat and mittens in the car. Tom is one of the worst offenders in this case. Turn the fuckin' heat on! You sit with your hat, mittens, scarf, etc. complaining that it's cold. I have no patients for people like that. To my way of thinking, these people are stupid and they are a threat to us as well as themselves. People like that need to be dipped in bread crumbs and dipped in boiling oil. French Fried fuck holes!

......

Tom is unhappy with Danny and me at the moment. We wanted to play Operation, but we couldn't find the board game. I had a Tom doll lying around, you know, one of those things that you stick the pins in and wish ill fortune with? We put the Tom doll on the top of a shoe box, stuck things in different parts of his body and made some fake money. We were about halfway through the game and I was handling a very difficult surgical procedure (pulling the stick out of his ass) when Tom slammed open the door and saw us.

"What are you two doing to that poor doll?!" He rips the doll away from us and flips it over. "This is one good looking doll. He looks kinda familiar." "I should fuckin' hope so." Danny says and we giggle. Tom looks at the doll a little closer and realises that he was staring at himself. "What the fuck is this?!" He thunders. Danny and I huddle together while Tom rants and raves over it. "We were playing Operation. We couldn't find the board game, so we made our own version." Tom gives us a murderous look. "So you play the game using a doll that looks like me?" "Well, yeah. We didn't have anything else to use. We could have played it and took shit apart." Tom throws the doll at us. "You guys make me want to kill you. You know what? Fuck you people." He snatches the doll back off Danny's lap and slams out. Danny turns to me. "What was his problem?" "I don't know. Maybe it's his time of the month." Danny and I laugh together like two teenagers at a sleep over.

When we told Harry about what Tom did, he just laughed. "He won't be so tight anymore." He says us after he manages to stop laughing. "Why? What happened?" He puts on a straight face. "I put some of those stool softeners in his tea. The whole box." I vomit into a plant after hearing this, while the other two laughed on the floor. Tom runs by us and slams the bathroom door. We hear him moan and we laugh even harder. "Somebody bring me something to read! I think that I am gonna be in here for a while." Danny is practically unconscious from laughing so hard. Harry runs over with a beer to help revive him. I bring Tom a thick book and tell him that I want a complete book report when he comes out of there. I laughed in his face and shut the door before he could say anything to me.

Goddamn, today has been smashing! I think that the rest of the gang and I have to soak up this epic moment. The smallest things in life seem to give you the greatest pleasure. Have you ever noticed that? Doesn't that strike you as funny? I must go now, Harry has just wheeled a keg into the living room.

-THE KING OF BEERS DOUGIE POYNTER