Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.
This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.
Yes, it is the run-up to the big battle scene, with exclusive interviews. Whoa, took me a while to write this.
Broadcast 25
On board the Black Pearl. Teague is perched on a barrel with Jenny's head hanging from his belt. He calmly strums his guitar amidst the bustle of war preparations about him. His pooch is sitting on his lap dozing.
Honest Tom: Capt'n? They be in position now…
Teague: Thank ye, Tom. Ahoy all ye mangy sea dogs. We havin' an exclusive broadcast here, with interviews. Hope we can cover everything before the cannonballs start flyin'. First we hand ye over to me son-in-law, Jacques, who has managed to sneak aboard the Endeavour. The sneaky little froggy…
On the Endeavour. Beckett is enjoying a cuppa tea attended to by Lieutenant Groves.
Jacques: (dressed as a royal envoy) Your Lordship, (bows) The name's Lord Commodore Perry. I am a representative of the king and we are here as observers for the recommendation for your future knighthood and nomination to the House of Peers. Please kindly enlighten us as to your plans for your fleet.
Lord Beckett: Ah, yes. God bless His Majesty and long live he. I will accept the honour of knighthood. Basically, we have surrounded the scurvy dogs in their den and will wipe them off the face of the earth.
Jacques: Please, Your Lordship. What role will that seaweed-caked hulk yonder play in your plans? (thumbs his thumb at the Flying Dutchman)
Lt Groves: Lord Beckett sir…
Lord Beckett: Oh hush! I'm busy being interviewed…. Ah, yes… Davy Jones has an understanding with me. He does my bidding and his heart stays intact…
Jacques: Say, Mister Jones. What do you have to say to our listeners of His Lordship's battle plan?
Davy Jones: I say we approach them and sink them with our superior firepower and I'm getting the short end of the stick.
Jacques: Rumour has it that the Black Pearl, a pirate ship can outrun your ships any day. Is there any truth in that?
Davy Jones: Pah! She cannae run with her hull blasted out, and I have vacancies on me crew for her crewmen… Keep her former captain in de brig company …
Jacques: Any last words, Lord Beckett? Oh, I mean parting words to our listeners?
Lord Beckett: The era of the pirate is over. And this is the last day any pirate will sail on the sea.
Jacques: Lovely plan, ain't it? We will submit a recommendation for knighthood, not for Beckett, but for Davy Squidface Jones. Since he's doing all the work. Of course, don't get your hopes up too high. Recommendation for an English knighthood don't count much coming from an American chappie. Ta-ta. (dives over the side and swims to waiting rowboat manned by his wife and stepchildren. The family swiftly paddles out of cannon range)
Davy Jones and Lord Beckett exchange bewildered looks.
Davy Jones: Was he with you?
Lord Beckett: I thought he was with you.
Lt Groves: Sir, I've been trying to tell you… He's dressed as a Spanish royal envoy…
Lord Beckett: Shut yer trap, man. You're speaking out of turn!
Teague: Thank ye, Jacques. Now I'll be covering the freeing of Calypso live from the deck of the Black Pearl…
Honest Tom: Capt'n, ye don't fancy the idea, do ye?
Teague: Why do ye say so?
Honest Tom: Ye be wearing a life-jacket, squatting behind a keg of rum and tied Jenny round yer neck by the hair and ye have the codex tied on yer back in an oilskin.
Teague: So? Not sure how pissed off Her Goddess-ship will be after all this while… Better safe than sorry.
Honest Tom: Shall I go check them lifeboats?
Hector: (striding over) Hey, Captain T. We say them words and burn them pieces of eight, but it ain't working!
Teague: Say them proper!
Hector: How? In French, Spanish or double Dutch? Is that a lifejacket? Have ye gone soft?
Teague: No… (tears off the lifejacket and chucks it over the side)
Hector: Come on, Captain T. I was first mate to ye once… I know when you're expectin' trouble. And your dog is sitting in a lifeboat with old Tom.
Teague: Aye, always the first mate, never the captain… At least ye get to captain the Pearl now that ye threw my Jackie to Devil Davy…
Hector: No hard feelings, mate. Pirate King's command. Now, how do we free Calypso again?
Teague: Say them words as a lover would…
Hector: Sorry, short, dark and witchy ain't my type. Ye say it…
Ragetti: Time's a-wasting. I'll say it. I dun wanna lose me wood eye fer nuttink…
Ragetti goes and frees Calypso. Calypso curses the pirates before turning into a million crabs and escaping.
Teague: (yanking crabs out of his hair) Nice going, One-Eye. Now we not only have the navy and Davy Jones waiting. We also have a mighty pissed pagan sea goddess out to flay the hides off our backs.
Elizabeth Swann: Battle stations! We fight!
Teague: Tom? I'm leaving.
Honest Tom: (from a rowboat) Ooh-uh, the sea's looking a tad choppy… Hurry it up, Captain!
Teague: Who's gonna cover the battle? Where's Jacques? He's the expendable one… Willy should've rowed him over by now!
Honest Tom: Their rowboat's too far out. (peers through spyglass) Er, and Miz Willy is snogging her hubby dearest in the boat.
Teague: In front of the kiddies? (peers through his spyglass and sees no sign of the children, only his daughter and son-in-law going at it like a pair of bunnies)
Children suddenly start climbing onto the Pearl beside Teague.
Jean Baptiste and Patience: (clambering on board the Black Pearl) Leave it to us, grandpapa! The Brethren needs a Code Keeper and Uncle Jack will make a lousy one…
Teague: Be careful, pups. Do yer worst.
Jean and Patience: With pleasure, sir!
They are joined by a mob of their siblings, all armed and dangerous, as their grandfather is rowed away to the pirate armada. A parrot flies overhead.
Cotton's parrot: Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Squawk!
Teague: Ye know, Tom, I feel a tad sorry fer them.
Honest Tom: Shall we retrieve them pups, sir? They are kiddies after all.
Teague: I was referrin' to the marines and Cutthroat Beckett, ye dolt. They be at a disadvantage… Now over to the pups.
Patience has secured a perch up the mast.
Patience: Merci, Grandpapa. Weather report! A stiff breeze coming… Nope, upgrade that to a Category 3, wait Category 5… Yikes! (hanging on for dear life) Folks, it is a bleeding monster typhoon we're looking at! Sane captains head for port! If ye be a pirate, juz ignore my warning! White water here - a whirlpool! We have a maelstrom… Eh? Is that Old Nemo's Nautilus bobbing about in there? Jean, do you have a visual?
Jean Baptiste: (from the gun-deck): No time fer a visual, sis! The Dutchman is on our starboard or is that portside? We're ramming her! Hang on! Argh! (gets run over by a loose cannon thanks to Pintel and Ragetti arguing and not paying attention to it)
Patience: Jean? Uncle Hector! Have ye seen my brother?
Hector: (calling out from under a pile of kiddies and their baseball bats) Hey! Call 'em off! We're on the same side!
Patience: Faith! Prudence! Let Uncle Hector go! (climbs down and starts pulling children off a beleaguered Hector)
Faith: But he crash ship with stinky ship. That's bad, no? (tries to run off with Hector's hat)
Hector: Hey! Gimme back me hat! (snatches hat back from wayward Faith and crams it on his head)
He shakes the last of the children off and grabs hold of the helm. The Dutchman and Black Pearl are tangled together in the middle of the maelstrom, close quarter combat going on.
Ragetti: Me wooden eye… Anyone saw me eye? (crawling on all fours)
Hector: Blast from the past, Rags. We burned it fifteen minutes ago. Now git fighting! (kicks Ragetti in the rear and sends him crashing into Pintel)
Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner: Captain! We want to be wed! Would you care to do the honour?
Hector: Now?
Patience: Would you like the Caribbean Romance package or the traditional Gundeck at Sunset? (goes into Wedding Planner mode)
Hector: Lass, just give em the Three Minute Shotgun lest we find ourselves sharing their honeymoon on the Flying Dutchman.
Davy Jones: Beckett! We need back-up here! (sees the Endeavour bobbing way, way, way back) Ye wuss! If ye want something done right, do it yerself!
Meanwhile, Captain Barbossa marries Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann.
Temperance: Tea-time! (wheels in a tea trolley)
Willy Raven's children, with exception of Jean Baptiste, gather for tea and biscuits on the quarter-deck, in the midst of the maelstrom and fighting. Jack Sparrow sneaks past.
Patience: Tea and biscuit, Uncle Jack? (sipping from teacup)
Jack Sparrow: Ye stopping fer tea now?
Patience: Problemo? (puts down her dainty teacup to shoot an attacker from the Dutchman between the eyes with her pistol)
Jack Sparrow: Anyone seen that bleeding Dead Man's Chest?
All the children point in the direction of the chest and heart.
Jack Sparrow: Gracias…
Will Turner gets mortally wounded by Davy Jones. Elizabeth Swann goes into near-hysterics over a dying Will. One of Willy Raven's girls hastens over.
Mercy: (in undertaker's garb) Ma'am, condolences… May we recommend the Sail and Shot package… Whoa! (gets grabbed and tossed out of the way and back onto the Pearl by her Uncle Jack)
Jack Sparrow: Outta me way, pup! Anyone seen that damned chest?
Back in the pirate armanda, Teague is on Mistress Ching's ship.
Teague: The little blighters knock off fer tea? Well I never! Wilhelmina! What have ye been teaching them? Nothing good can come out of this tea-drinking business… (takes a sip of the mug he is holding) Mmm, tasty. What's this stuff?
Mistress Ching: Sour plum tea. (gets brew spewed into her face as Captain Teague spits it out) The wine is in the other jug, ye uncouth scoundrel!
Teague: Thank you, ma'am. Tom! Do ye remember where in the damned armanda we moored the Misty Lady? (waves cutlass at his first mate)
Honest Tom: I thought it was here by Mistress Ching's junk… Really did… (dodges cutlass swing)
Mistress Ching: If you are seeking your ship, Code Keeper… Methinks it was moored with Captaine Chevalle's.
Teague: Thank you for yer hospitality. Say, where's me dog? I could've swore he was here a moment ago.
Mistress Ching's cook: Most respected lady, the dog stew is ready… (kowtows before Mistress Ching)
Teague: Wait, dog stew? Ye killed me doggy! (whips out pistol and shoots the hapless cook)
Somewhere in the pirate fleet, a very happy dog is enjoying himself in the company of Captaine Chevalle's pet poodle Marie Celeste.
Patience: Sorry for the delay, Gramps! We needed to haul Jean Baptiste from under a cannon.
Jean Baptiste: My leg! Momma, don't let them take me leg off!
Willy Raven: (takes one look at her son's mangled leg) Mister Sawbones! Take off his leg! Patience, Prudence, get back to the broadcast!
A screaming Jean Baptiste is carried off to the surgeon's table.
Prudence: Uncle Jack's stabbed- no, he's helped the Turner chap stab Davy Jones' heart. In yer face, Jonesy! Cut loose! The damned Dutchman's going under! Everyone still alive back on board the Black Pearl! Davy Jones is fish-food for sure…
Patience: Aye, sis. The whirlpool's calm now… Guess Madame Calypso's pleased now with Davy Jones falling into the drink. A most astounding turn of events. Wait, does that mean that the Dutchman captain job goes to Uncle Jack or that Turner chap?
Prudence: We'll soon find out. Thar she blows!
Water and foam wash over the girls as the rejuvenated Flying Dutchman emerges from the depths. A crazed-looking Captain Ahab bursts out from below decks.
Captain Ahab: Where? Where's the White Whale? (falls over the side thanks to Prudence whacking him in the head with his own harpoon)
Prudence: Apologies for the interruption. My, my… The new captain of the Flying Dutchman is William Turner! Now, that evens things a bit. And here comes His Lordship's vessel.
Patience: With the Black Pearl's superior speed and the Flying Dutchman's firepower… We have a killer tag-team! Let em rip, Captain Hector!
Jack Sparrow: Hey, I'm still the captain of this ship! Sis! Say summat in me favour.
Willy Raven: Sorry, brother. Busy sawing off someone's head.
Jack Sparrow: Hey, that's one of me crew… Whatever fer?
Willy Raven: The imbecile took the wrong leg off my boy.
Jack Sparrow: If old Sawbones' here, who's fixing up me nephew's leg?
Willy Raven: My little girl Mercy Nightingale. I named her for a nurse I once met in Crimea, so she'd know what to do.
A bleeding and screaming Jean Baptiste scrambles onto deck using his elbows and hands. He is closely pursued by his sister, Mercy, who is holding a nasty-looking axe.
Mercy: Hold still, brother dear. Or I might just miss! (swings axe about)
Jack Sparrow: Any advice column on today's broadcast for this, da? Never mind…
The Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman get on either side of the Endeavour and let loose a barrage. The Pirates of Penzance start a rendition of 'Taps' by cannon and musket fire from the Pearl.
In the pirate armada, Captain Teague and Honest Tom are back on the Misty Lady when the phone rings.
Lt Groves: Naval hotline please. We're getting all blown outta the water and His Lordship ain't giving no orders! What protocol should we follow?
Teague: The protocol of saving yer bloody asses. Order a retreat, man.
Lt Groves: Retreat! Retreat! (looks around at condition of the ship he is on) Oh heck – abandon ship!
On the Black Pearl.
Jack Sparrow: They're running fer it! We won! Hurray!
Cheers all round from the pirates as naval armada flees. Elizabeth Swann approaches Patience and her mom.
Elizabeth Swann: Excuse me, but could you help us rig a one-night honeymoon ashore?
Willy Raven: Definitely. I know a few really cosy sea caves nearby for privacy… I suppose Jacques and I can spare you one…
Author's Notes:
That covers the maelstrom battle. Nothing could keep Willy Raven's brood from their afternoon tea and biscuits, not even a full-blown sea battle. Cameo appearance by Captain Ahab of Moby Dick.
More misunderstandings between the Code-keeper and the Pirate Lords. And Teague's dog does get around a fair bit. Poor Jean Baptiste is going to be maimed or killed by his little sister.