Chapter 25
Dean does not realize how or when he gets back to the fortress. The way back is a blur, as if his eyes and mind refuse to function. The demon makes sounds like an injured beast, a lethally wounded beast which is in agony, waiting for death to come to stop the unbearable pain. Dean feels devastated and dead inside. It's like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and stomped on. And by who? By Castiel, the human he fell in love with.
When he sees the gates of the fortress, Dean takes a deep breath and composes himself. The guards let him in and the demon exchanges a few jokes with them, putting on a nonchalant, cheerful mask. He takes Impala to the stable, giving her sufficient food and water for the night. The horse senses her master's distress and looks at him with sad eyes, as if she knows what has happened between Dean and Castiel.
"Don't look at me like that. And don't judge me. He deser…" Dean stops abruptly, crying out from sudden pain and doubles over, grabbing the reins with one hand. "What is this?" he hisses and puts a hand against his thudding heart. Dean groans and straightens up, trying his best not to pay attention to the unpleasant sensations.
The second wave of pain catches him when he enters the castle. The demon falls down on his knees, gasping for air. This is much worse than the first one. Dean looks around with crazy, searching eyes, not sure what he expects to see there. Then he hears muffled sounds, like someone is sobbing quietly.
"Who's here?" Dean asks hoarsely and gets up on shaking legs. "Answer me!"
The sounds get louder until it turns into a bloodcurdling howl. There is so much pain and desperation in it that the demon's hair stands on end.
"Where are you? Come out," Dean whispers and makes a few steps forward, but freezes to the spot when he hears the words, full of dismay:
"Why, Dean, why?"
The green-eyed creature gives a startled yelp when he realizes that it's Castiel's voice he hears in his head. It must be the bond working. Dean had said that he would've been able to hear the human's thoughts and feel his emotions. So, this is how Castiel feels? Well, not a delightful sensation.
"Shut up, shut up!" Dean grabs his head and runs through the corridor, intent on getting to his chamber as soon as possible, so he can lie down on the bed, fall asleep, and never wake up.
He almost makes it to his chamber when he runs into someone. With an "oompf" sound, Dean steps back, ready to smash the bastard's face.
"Watch where you're going, Winchester!" Azazel says with enviable calmness.
Frustrated and irritated with Castiel's sobs in his head, Dean grits his teeth and snarls, "Fuck off, Azazel!"
If only it were possible to turn time back and prevent the words from escaping his mouth. But alas! They stare at each other, unblinking and unmoving. Dean swallows and opens his mouth for a pertinent apology when Azazel grabs his shirt and slams the younger demon against a wall.
"Say that one more time and I will shove those words down your throat, you useless…" Azazel falls silent and squints his eyes. Under the dim light, he can see a silver pendant on a chain around the younger demon's neck. He lets go of Dean's shirt and his throat clicks as he swallows.
"Out of my way, Winchester," Azazel growls and pushes the younger demon away. Dean, too surprised and dazed by all that has happened, simply runs toward his chamber, not stopping until he gets there.
Meanwhile, in the corridor, Azazel runs trembling fingers through his hair as a sly smile stretches on his lips.
"Hmm, the Shadow Serpent? Why are you wearing this charm pendant, Dean? Why have you been sneaking out of the fortress and, more importantly, where have you been wandering to?"
Dean storms into his chamber, slamming the door behind him. He leans against it and closes his eyes. "Fuck, oh fuck," he swears, knowing well that now he must be very careful, as Azazel will keep an eye on him. What did the bastard see, anyway? He had confusion and shock written all over his face. But Dean does not understand more than this.
Castiel's sobs and whimpers resume and they drive the demon crazy. He needs to find a way to break this damn bond; he cannot withstand all these sounds the human makes.
"Shut the fuck up!" Dean yells, enraged, grabs an amphora and throws it into the wall. Uncontrollable rage awakens within him and he starts to shatter and break every single object that he can grab. Deafening noises sound from his chamber, hanging in the air like a heavy curtain of desperation. In the temporary moment of oblivion, he doesn't hear the door open as someone walks in.
"Dean, what on earth are you doing?"
The demon grabs some wooden piece that used to be an armchair and turns around, ready to strike, when he sees his younger brother gaping at him with an incredulous look on his face. Sam takes a look at the place that used to be his brother's room. It looks chaotic: broken pieces of furniture, shattered glass, clothes thrown around the room.
"What do you want, Sam?" Dean's breathing is ragged.
"What happened to you?" Sam mumbles and reaches his hand out to take the piece of furniture out of his brother's hand, but Dean flinches and moves away.
"I'm not in a chatting mood, Sam," he says, frowning and lowering his hand.
"I thought you were with Castiel. Has something happened?" Sam steps back when his brother's eyes blaze with evil fire and Dean snarls. "Don't you ever mention that name again! You hear me? Never!"
The voice sends chills down Sam's spine, chaining him to the spot. Something bad has happened, he can tell that much, and he wants to know what. His brother will not tell him, it's obvious from his expression, so there is only one way to find out. Sam has to be quick, otherwise the older demon will beat the living daylights out of him for even trying.
With lightning speed, Sam grabs his brother and slams him into the wall, instantly pressing two fingers behind Dean's earlobes. Definitely the surest way to immobilize a demon.
"Sam… don't… don't you fucking dare…" Dean wheezes, grits his teeth and attempts to break free from the invisible chains, but all his efforts are futile.
"Dean, shut up and stop struggling," Sam says firmly and looks into his brother's eyes and mind. The scenes of the recent events run before his eyes like a frightened deer escaping from a hunter. Sam's eyes widen with each second while his brother pants and sweats under his intense gaze, trying to fight this stupid, binding magic.
Sam jumps back as if he's been attacked by a venomous snake. The images he's seen are scary, dark, and painful. How could his brother do this to the person he loves? No one has a right to cause such pain and distress to another person.
"Have you lost your damn mind?" Sam's voice has gone hoarse, but he doesn't care. There are much more important things. "Why the fuck did you do it, Dean?"
"You don't know anything," Dean yells suddenly, shaking from anger. Today is one of the worst days of his life, indeed. "You want to know why I did it? Fine! I did it because he deserved it! And he should be grateful that I didn't kill him, though I really wanted to. He's the one who stabbed me with that damn dagger all those years ago! He is the one who I've been trying to get to and destroy!" Dean's voice shakes as he looks at Sam for support. He needs to hear it from his younger brother that he did a right thing.
An unexpected, almost bone-crushing punch in the jaw catches him off guard and in the next instant, Dean finds himself sitting on his ass on the floor. Well, that hurt! Sam must've put a lot of power into the blow. The older demon rubs his jaw and looks up at his brother, whose lips form a thin line on his bloodless, pale face.
"He was a child, only five summers old. For the love of the Netherworld, Dean! You tried to kill his mother and him and the boy tried to defend her from you. What would you have done if you had been in his place? You've fucked up big time, Dean! Just pray that Castiel forgives you. Though, I wouldn't if I were him. You brainless son of a bitch." Sam shakes his head and turns around to leave his brother's chamber with hurried steps.
Dean just keeps sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed. He is too stubborn to confess his failure, still thinking that he's done the right thing, and tries to erase all thoughts related to Castiel from his mind.
"Life will go on as usual, with its ups and downs, good and bad days, drinking, fights, gambling, like it's always been. My life didn't start with you, Castiel, and will not end with you. I will forget you. It may take a while, but in the end, time will do its work. You will turn into dust of forgotten memories," the green-eyed demon says quietly, trying to sound confident and self-assuring.
And Dean would believe his own words if there was not a faint, tugging sensation at his heart, telling him that no matter what he says or does he will never be able to forget the human who he hates and loves so desperately.