Disclaimer: Again? Okay, I- here, have a haiku.

Hello there reader!
I don't own ViCTORiOUS,
but I wish I did.

Have you ever… felt guilty for existing? It's probably the reason why I go around saying I hate everything, because in a sense I guess I really do. Everything seems so fucking bittersweet and unfair. Sure, I'm whining, but can you blame me? It takes a lot to not constantly wonder about all the wasted time; I mean, really. That one person you could just sit there and feel comfortable being quiet with. I'm impatient and she's a chatterbox, but... it was okay- ugh, fuck.

Tears. Copious amounts of tears that would've flooded the entire hospital if we were cartoons. I think for an hour, maybe more? Greenacre left earlier, he said he had some rounds to do and he'd give us some privacy. We didn't talk, what was there to say? Okay, maybe there was a lot to say. But it would all be bittersweet, and we knew better than to start. What was the point? It was better to just leave things quiet for now. Halfway in Cat cried herself to sleep, so here I am; holding her to reassure myself that she's still there. I hate crying, and my tears've stopped running by now. Yet I feel like I still want to, like my head's saying cry and my body's saying out of tears, sorry try again later.

But Cat makes for a good distraction; I'm constantly tracing light patterns on her skin or gently petting her hair. Every so often I kiss her cheek or forehead; sometimes I just pull her a little closer. There's a vicious cycle going on in my head, one that I don't want or really know how to deal with. I can always pretend it's not there, but we all know that's just a quick fix.

I was so busy wallowing in whatever the fuck you want to call it that I didn't notice Greenacre had come back. He poked the arm I had around Cat before nudging it gently. "Cat, hey Cat." She stirred. "Yeah you. You asked me to make sure you were awake today, remember?"

"Mmm?" Cat murmured before suddenly sitting upright and cringed in pain. "Owww." I didn't bother hiding the horrified look on my face. "Oh, no! It's okay Jade, I'm just stiff from sleeping funny. Not that sleeping on you's funny, I like sleeping on you, you're comfortable. Just I haven't for such a long time and I-"

Greenacre flailed his arms around to interrupt her and all three of us smiled. I didn't know why they were smiling, but I grinned because it was good to hear Cat ramble; the last several hours were so… different of her that I was scared I'd shit a brick next.

"It's almost eleven! The pediatric kids are already setting up on stage." Oh, so that's why they were both smiling like idiots. "You still up for performing today?"

Cat turned to look at me with this gleam in her eye, one that I've missed. For a second, it was like we're back to normal and there's nothing wrong. "Oh Jade! You have to come see! One day I was walking around with Travis," I smirked and looked at the doctor who was now coughing sheepishly in a corner. Travis, eh. "And there were all these sad kids so I asked why they were sad and it turns out a lot of them have all these sad stories right? So I said that talent shows usually make me happy because I love to sing and Travis thought it was a good idea and the kids were all like 'yay'!." She paused to beam happily at me. "I taught some of them how to sing and now we're putting on a show!"

"A show, huh?" I raised a playful eyebrow. I wasn't about to kill Cat's mood. "Are the twerps any good?"

The question seemed to be for Green- Excuse me, Travis, but I knew Cat would jump up before he could respond anyway. "Jade! Don't be mean." I chuckled at how she scolded me. "It's the effort that counts."

"You mean it's the thought that counts?" Reflexively I smirked. "I'll bet you give them all an 'A' for effort!"

She swatted at me playfully and I laughed, bringing an arm up to mockingly block. "You know what I mean! You're going to come watch us, right?" Cat threw in a pout for safe measure.

"If I have to." My tone was pretty annoyed, but she knew better.

"Good."

There was a comfortable few seconds of silence where I realized Cat was probably using all of her strength to keep up the peppy image that was once herself. She was trying so hard and I… well, I had started to lean in for a kiss when I heard a fake cough from Travis.

"Sooooo." He started. Is it possible for a person to look smug, embarrassed and awkward at the same time? The answer is yes. "Sorry to interrupt, but Jade needs to run some tests, and you," Travis paused to joke glare at Cat. "Need to help those kids before they think finger painting the entire room is a good idea. You left your toothbrush and stuff in the bathroom there anyway."

Cat sighed dramatically before trying to go back to her happy. But her smile was softer, the tiredness was visibly returning. "It's in the conference room. We're going to have lunch at noon and it'll start at one, is that okay?"

I waved goodbye as she was already pretty much at the door by the time I responded. "Conference room, lunch noon, show one. Got it."

"Uh, Jade might be a little late, Cat." She frowned and I quirked an eyebrow again. "But she'll definitely make it, no worries." This seemed to satisfy Cat, as she waved back and slowly skipped down the hallway.

"And I'm going to be late because…?"

Travis smiled in a way that was different, like he had a hidden side to him. "Thought you'd need an excuse to talk to Beck. I figured you'd have a hard time explaining it to Cat."

"Uh…" Wasn't he supposed to convince me out of talking to Beck? And I wouldn't lie to Cat about it if she asked, but I suppose he had a point. "Thanks."

"No problem, best of luck." His personality noticeably changed back to peppy–klutz. "I'd like to see Cat real happy again too, y'know!" Kind of suspicious about what just happened I started to wonder what that was about. Er, wait. Right, pressed for time. I nodded my head at him and went off to the bathroom for a morning routine.

After I finished brushing my teeth I walked back into the room and found a note on one of the pillows.

Room 24
I would take you but I have some business to look after. You know how it is.
It's the same floor; turn left and follow the orange line until you see the room.
I'll come back around noon so we can go to Pediatrics together – but take your time, I can wait!
P.S. Two words: GUILT TRIP.
- Travis Greenacre

I folded the note and put it in my pocket before walking out of the room. Nurses and doctors that were on duty sent a wave of polite smiles, curt nods and friendly waves to say Hello. Orange paint caught my eye as I was nodding back at them, so I quickly rounded the corner and followed the hallways.

There were two medium sized policemen guarding Beck's door, a large gray sign posted behind them to verify that it was indeed room 24. They looked like pretty friendly people, considering the fact that they were supposed to be watching a teenager who shot his friends during a drug-induced psychotic break.

"Hey, I'm-"

The taller one interrupted me. "Jade West!"

"Uh, yeah, and-"

"You're here to speak with Beck!" The second one piped in.

I paused for a second to make sure they were done. "Are you going to…?"

"To what?" They asked in unison.

"Finish my sentences, I guess not." I smirked, feeling less annoyed. They scrambled to open the door for me and followed me inside. I guess the room was soundproof just in case whoever was inside yelled; I couldn't hear the loud music blasting from outside.

Beck was carefully being watched by a third police officer, a strong looking fellow. That aside, the room was pretty bare. Nobody was around to play the drum intro for his song, but I recognized it from the guitar. Beck was seated on the far end of the bed, I think probably his one hour or something of free time?

In the day by day collision
called the art of growing up,
there's an innocence we look for in the stars.

He stared at me and paused to wait for me to sing the response. I sighed softly; I was the one who showed him this song. It was one of mine, after all.

To be taken back to younger days,
when there was no giving up
on the people we held closest to our hearts.

I watched as his eyes became apologetic when they asked to sing the next verse. My guess would be that he was trying to get some point across with the lyrics, but… I really hoped I was wrong.

Yeah, it is you that I remember in the glowing;
it is you that took my first away from me.
It is you I set my standards to, to every walk of life,
I haven't met another you since you were with me.

Originally it should've been angry, the verse was supposed to be filled with rage. But the song didn't suit either of our voices, and somehow Beck made it sound sad instead. He stopped playing then, and I guess it was supposed to be his interpretation of the song. The room was quiet as most sound had been cut off, but I whisper-hissed the chorus anyway.

Sing with me!
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me;
I freaked out thinking people didn't love me.
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me;
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done.

A moment or two went by, my thoughts filling the room with deaf sound. The officers shuffled amongst themselves and sent an uncomfortable glance or two to the other. Readying themselves for if anything happened? Maybe, maybe.

"But I'm not proud of what I've done." Beck spoke, finally breaking our silence. I still didn't know what to say to that, so I let the silence spread again. "I'm sorry about what happened, Jade. But you have to understand, you aren't supposed to be with Cat."

"Excuse me?" I sat down on the edge of the bed and faced him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I didn't censor myself in time and we both looked a little bit shocked at my… accidental quoting, let's call it. I felt and looked a little sheepish before noticing the hurt expression on Beck's face. "Like that, you're not like that. I know you, Jade. We're supposed to be together."

"Then why would you-" I shook my head. "No, you know what? It… doesn't matter. Cat and I are different, we have something different, something you and I both know we lacked."

"No!" The policemen stiffened as Beck raised his voice and practically dropped the guitar into its stand. Luckily he seemed to control his emotions again, or at least enough to lower his voice. "It was my fault, you weren't getting jealous anymore and I was losing you. I thought Tori could make you jealous for me again, that would fix it. We can still fix it."

It felt bad to be doing this; I'd never wanted to hurt Beck in this way. "No." I looked straight into his pleading eyes; it was time he finally got the picture. "I am with Cat now, and-"

"I could've tried harder, I'll try harder." Determination and denial now strong in his voice.

"It works, Beck. Like we never did, it feels good." I ran a hand through my hair. "We were together just because. We figured why not, and there wasn't a reason not to until now. You liked the attention, I liked the image. It made sense then. Not anymore; it's done, gone, over, and I think you already know why I'm here, do I really have to say it?"

The room was quiet for a while. Maybe for a half hour or so? There was a lot for both of us to think about, a lot of things to absorb. It was quite a while later before Beck broke the silence. "You want me to be Cat's donor. Save your girlfriend's life." He spat the word like it was venom.

Unintentionally, my voice broke. "Please."

"You never say please." He whispered, voice faltering. "And you don't cry… You said it's humiliating."

"Well, I am." I hissed back. "For her, I am. So I'll ask again. Please, Beck? If you're really sorry, you'll do this for me."

After about fifteen minutes or so I took the silence as my answer. The two officers followed me as I decided to take my leave, but I paused when a faint voice muttered something while I reached for the door handle. "Say that again?" A hint of hope, maybe?

"You were saying something. You are with Cat now and what, Jade?" It wasn't a real question, or if it was he didn't sound like he wanted to hear the answer.

I blinked numbly and left the room. Tell me you don't, Jade! You don't, you can't! There was shouting and loud thuds to be heard down the hall until I shut the door properly. Mr. Oliver, you need to calm down! The two officers had run back inside to assist their colleague. Snap, snap, snappity snap of cuffs to metal bed posts. Things I would hear for a long time without Cat.

Outside I noticed a clock on the wall said noon; I guess my judgment of time was a little off. I thanked Travis mentally for covering for me, I'd need a minute or two before I could face Cat. Leaning against the door, I sighed at my thoughts. "But I do," for a second I paused to feel the impact of my words. More than I ever thought I could with you, "I love her."

A/N:
You probably don't want to hear me ramble right now, but it looks like I have a lot of apologizing to do.
I'm sorry that:

1.
I haven't updated in ages. Have you played the game of Life? It sucks.
Really, as a reader I hate it when author's hiatus and I'm severely disappointed with myself. I thought I'd be done this story by now.

b)
It's been a while so I'll probably have to do some editing because no beta + hiatus = bad/forgetful. Plus I never know when there's too little or much angst-whine writing.
On a good note, fluff next chapter? 8D

Did I just mix up letters, numbers and symbols? Yes, yes I did.

Thank you everyone who kept reading/reviewing and encouraged me, keep on shoving me! 8D
And ZoeNightshade2214 for keeping me inbox-company (sorry I didn't get your last message until now.)

*About the Songbird story that I deleted. I was just using the book as a guideline; apparently it's been done already in... practically the exact same scenario. So I apologize to the author of that fanfiction for the potential misunderstanding, and thanks to the reviewer who corrected me.

**The song was Razorblade by Blue October.
I'm sorry if it seems kind of weird.