When we last left our heroes, a guided tour into Alcamoth turned into a frat party when the mild-mannered Shulk was attacked by the indecency of, "I'm really feeling it!" Kallian basically admitted that the entire High Entia species is actually high, and Lorithia sent Hogard to send Galvin to send his parol officers to send for Sorean to send Melia down into the High Entia Tomb of their dead forefathers for a "rite of passage into the imperial throne." Which is probably a hazing tactic. Melia is used to those. With the party really feeling it! they press on into the FILLER quest of Alcamoth. It's not like they have anything better to do; the Bionis' head was really all they were aiming for, anyway.
The group halts in front of a towering tomb entrance. Melia screws up her mouth before strutting inside—she wasn't quite sure what the High Entia used this for; it's not like they actually put deceased bodies in here, not where they must return them to the Bionis, so there shouldn't be any rotting corpses down here, right?
Right.
Then again, Alvis did mention something about her ancestors being somewhere down there…before noting in his typical deadpan that she too will join them one day.
The girl shudders.
"All right, now, I'd seriously love it if all of you could come with me down the easy route, but only Shulk can, so…" Melia says so confidently that it must be true.
"What?" Reyn exclaims. "Why can't all of us?"
Alvis, who chose to attend this sad spectacle of a haze, only smirks and crosses his arms. "We will be fine taking the hard route," he says.
"Well, how do you know we'll have to take the hard route?" Dunban asks with a frown.
"The Passage of Fate beckons," is all Alvis utters mysteriously before disappearing in a puff of sulfurous smoke. Reyn grimaces.
Sharla pauses as she stares at the entrance. She folds her arms, then grits her teeth and cracks her back so sharply it makes a spaced-out Xord jump and grab Shulk, who shouts and shoves him away. "Where's the separate entrances?" she asks.
The Arachno Queen joins her in her staring. "I only see the one."
"Follow me, it is all quite clear," Melia replies as she twirls her staff like an Ivy Reef University baton artist and skips forward. "Our ancestors were very clever~. It's a doorway fit for a Reyn!"
"Oh yeah!" the boy belts enthusiastically.
"Not for Dundun?" Dunban whines.
Xord snorts. "Not for Xordy either, I guess."
As they enter, Reyn's excitement jumps up another ten notches.
"It's a button! I love buttons!" Reyn whoops.
"I get to hit the button first!" Zanza screams through Shulk as he skids over to the front of the pedestal. "This harkens me back to my boyhood-not-really-boyhood-definitely-adulthood button collection!"
Melia yips something out and wraps her hands around his waist as she piledrives him to the ground, away from the center of the room. "No, no, Shulk, you are coming with me!" As she lays there on the cold ground, with the warm Shulk underbody, she nuzzles her head into his chest. She just couldn't help it. It was an automatic response, she can only suppose, after all, he didn't seem to mind it back in Makna— "Ow!" She pulls away and rubs at a cut on her cheek, where it just happened to slice against a sharp edge of his armor.
Nope. She always forgets.
Definitely not Alvis this time.
But that's two for the price of one.
"Are you alright, Melia?" Shulk gasps as he sits up.
Sharla drags the two up and smirks. "You alright, Melia?"
"Fine, just fine," she says with a totally suspicious giggle. Melia eyes the gaggle of Nether Region Dwellers all bundled together in the center of the room. Then she nods, as if approving over something or another. "Reyn, hit the button, hit it, I dare you." With a sullen glare, Melia throws her arm out to stop an over-eager Zanza from jumping in for Reyn.
"You're no fun," the man grunts as he blows up his bangs like a teenager on PMS.
Riki only moans as he gives up trying to jump up to reach the button himself and steps aside for the Monado wielder…ish. "All right!" Reyn says.
"Are you sure you should be doing this…?" Dunban asks hesitantly. He eyes his flask, then only sighs. "Xord, you haffa drink?"
"Nope. Not after Giorgio spiked his curry one day on April Fools."
Dunban snorts out a laugh. "Yeah, that was great."
Shrugging, Reyn punches the button—only to plummet into a pitfall trap. "How could I have fallen for it againnnnnnnnnn!"
A pause. Melia can faintly hear Xord laugh. "Heh, heheh, fallen."
It was one of those days, Alvis notes as he exits the Alcamoth Baths. One of those days which necessitated a grungier porcelain throne simply because it was closer to the Tomb. He would have gladly gone for the clean John—after all, if he doesn't have to scrub it shiny, he's cool with it—but, unfortunately, that required an extra two seconds of travel, and he just didn't have that kind of time.
Sorean grunts as he strides out into the lonely streets of Alcamoth and heads toward the public baths. "I'll beat that Galvin at his own game this time. My robe isn't touching filth!" he rants to no one in particular.
As he struts, he passes by Alvis, who exhales and forces a smile at the emperor. After Sorean leaves the vicinity, the seer hastily gestures to a High Entia man, and he heads over to him.
"What's up?"
"Can you, um…"
"Oh, sure." The man stoops over and stares hard at Alvis' bum. "With white pants, it's pretty hard to hide anything," he comments.
"Yeah, I know," Alvis replies testily. He suddenly whirls around and slaps the man away. "It doesn't take that long."
Giggling in a way that reminds Alvis of the time he watched Zanza, in a tiny 5-year-old Shulk's body, try to take a cookie from Dickson, the man steps away. "Has anyone ever told you that white pants is probably a bad idea?"
"Melia did, so many times. Why, do I have anything there?" His tone turns sharp. "She'd kill me if I did."
"Ooo, you're trying to impress her?"
He only grunts in reply. "It's difficult to tell on my end, but I think she thought I was Shulk. He's pretty well-endowed, so I don't mind it myself."
"Pfft, identity doesn't matter. I've been dating Ma'crish for decades now, and she still thinks I'm Galdo!" He laughs. "Actually, I don't want her to know that I'm not."
Alvis suddenly frowns and stares off in the distance, where the grand entrance of the High Entia Tomb looms. "Um, she is going with Shulk actually—" He begins to rush off. "Melia, Melia, I will save you, Melly, I love you!" the man screams. "MELLY, I'M COMING!"
The man dusts off his palms, sighs, then cracks a grin. Alvis doesn't give himself enough credit.
As Melia walks around the great pit in the middle of the floor, she leans over to place her hand on the button. A scanner starts up, making Shulk coo in excitement. With a grunt, Melia grips the pedestal as she reaches over to catch her arm in the beam, and it clicks, as if groaning with tremendous effort—Shulk likens it to the time when he built a teleporter. It was quite fine, the boy was very proud of it. Even though it destroyed half the lab and sent Reyn careening into Colonel Vangarre's home (Shulk's a bit fuzzy on the details; Reyn has refused to ever talk about this incident) after the machine made such funny noises of suffering, the inventor merely chalks the clicks off to machine strain and leaves it at that.
Then the doors open.
"MELLY! MELLY, THERE YOU ARE, I HAVE FOUND YOU!" The pair whip around as Alvis sprints into the room. Melia beams and waves at the seer, and a grin breaks across Alvis' face that that. "Oh, Melia, I finally caught up with—"
His foot hits solid air.
The two blink—and he's gone.
Multiple screams float up from the hole.
"How could I have missed this in the Passage of Fate?!"
The young woman shrugs and takes Shulk's hand in hers. She doesn't care that he makes such utterances of boyish confusion and discomfort—she heard that at prom, and now Soongalle is crawling back to her! The arrogant brat! He just wants the first consort role, well, that's Alvis' spot, mind him, and Soongalle's no Homs, only Shulk is a Homs, and only Shulk gets the role as her second consort!
She has this whole thing planned. Even if she must break some rules with the whole first-consort-must-be-a-High-Entia, she has this whole thing planned.
"Who puts a great big hole somewhere like that?!" Reyn rants. [actual line, not making this up]
"Well, maybe if somebody didn't push the button!" Dunban snips.
Xord shrugs. "Meh, I would have pushed it, anyway."
"You never believe Melia when she gets that look upon her face," Alvis replies in a chipped voice as he stands. The Passage of Fate told all when he sat upon his porcelain throne; much like cracking open a newspaper, it is Alvis' favorite bathroom distraction. "It is an expression of the utmost mischief, and you fell for it!" His voice cracks.
"Heh, fell."
Sharla looks up, then clicks her tongue and wades out of the pool, where the Arachno Queen greets her. The woman grunts as Queenie begins to lick her dry, much like she would a tiny spider child. Once Xord gets out—suddenly screaming something about not getting his armor wet—she turns toward him next, and the group watches as her overeager dry job turns into moans, and Xord promptly disappears underneath the Queen's limbs and popping hearts.
"Oh Meyneth, please don't do me," Alvis mutter with a cringe.
"Riki want to go next!" The little nopon shrieks as Dunban picks him up and tries the Arachno Queen's patented Dry-Lick Technique. "NO! RIKI WANT DOWN, RIKI NOT LIKE THIS, LET GO OF RIKI!"
Reyn peers down the corridor. "Jeez, so this is the hard route, eh?"
"You're Canadian, eh?" Alvis snips back. "Yes, this is the hard route. We fell down the pitfall trap designed specifically to catch stupid tomb robbers. The button you hit scanned your genetic code, and you failed its test because you are not of royal lineage…and a High Entia."
"Well, what if I were a High Entia that was all royal?"
"You would probably pass it and raid the tomb just fine."
Shrugging, as if he has nothing left to lose—including his dignity, which was lost long before today—Reyn starts forward, Sharla hot on his heels. The others all groan and follow save for the Arachno Queen and Xord, who has to be dragged along by a steamed Alvis.
With the twisting and twinning of so many corridors that become a nightmare to explore the entirety of, the rag-tag group finally makes it to a large area with a very pretty glowing orb hovering in the center of it. "Ooooh, it's a ball!" Reyn cries out in happiness. "It's a very big ball, too! Oi, Dunban, we could play catch with it, like you used to do when we were, like, ten!"
"We did?" the man replies.
As the Monado Boy skips over to it, a giant monster attacks!
"AHHHhHHh! AhhHhHhHH! The ball is alive! Why are they always alive?!"
"Why is there a big green barrier in the way?!" Xord shouts.
"WHAT DID RIKI DO, ORLUGA?! ORLUGA RIKI'S FRIEND!"
"My rifle's getting hotter!"
"Hey!" Reyn says.
"Sorry, but it is," the woman replies pointedly as she holds up her ether rifle.
"Oh, sorry, I thought you meant something else." He rubs the back of his head.
She waves a hand in his general direction. "Don't worry yourself."
Sorean steps into the bathhouse and groans. "GALVIN, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Alvis disconnects from the Passage of Fate—his way of entertainment during such dreary times—and cackles, which only makes the others stare at him.
As the group drags themselves into the Ceremony Hall, Melia pulls away from Shulk and blinks, as if she were a spooked Bunnit.
Alvis, enraged, stalks over to Shulk and tosses the boy aside. "Ow! Alvie, what the Zanza?!"
Melia shrugs and tries to play it cool. "What took you so long?"
"What took us so long?!" Reyn exclaims.
"Dunban played with the ball, not me!" Xord blurts out as he points a finger at the man.
"Not Riki!"
"I didn't do anything!" Dunban protests.
The girl continues that guilty shrug of hers. "Oh, well, in that case, then you can watch me prove my lineage right here. See?" She steps forward, and a blue orb scans her—then gasps!
"OH ZANZA, THEY'RE STILL DOING THIS TEST?!"
The party screams and backs away as the orb lights up with a glow and begins talking, something that Shulk can only dream machines can do.
"DEAR BIONIS," it curses, "ARE THEY ALL IDIOTS TODAY?! THEY MUST BE, AND YOU! ARE YOU TOO AN IDIOT?"
Melia blinks. "Um? I've barely even stepped foot out of my villa until like, three weeks ago, so, no?"
"GREAT! I'M SO GLAD SOME THINGS DON'T CHANGE. YOU, MY PRECIOUS GIRL, ARE THE— WAIT, THE NEXT EMPEROR IS GOING TO BE A GIRL? E-ERM, YOU ARE THE HOPE OF THE— OH MY ZANZA, THE HOPE OF THE ENTIA IS A GIRL! WHY DID THAT BLASTED GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT—" This goes on a for a while. "—GRANDSON SOREAN HAVE A DAUGHTER? WHY COULDN'T MY OTHER GRANDSON, ZOUZAZOU, BE THE ONE TO SUCCEED THE IMPERIAL LINE?! WHY COULDN'T SOREAN BEAT HIM IN THAT DUEL, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU?!"
"Because my brother takes drugs?" Melia suggests.
"OH, WELL, FEMALES WERE ALWAYS THE PURISTS," the voice adds. "YOU'RE DEEMED A-OKAY! GO, AND BE THE HOPE OF THE ENTIA!"
"It's the High Entia," she corrects testily.
"NO, THEY JUST ADDED THAT TO REFLECT THE FACT THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY—"
"We get it!" the group belts.
"WOW, DO I HAVE TO CROWN ALL OF YOU?" it snarks. "BUNCHA TRAMPS. GET OUTTA HERE AND LEMME GO BACK TO SLEEP!"
The floor opens up, and Alvis slides away as the group drops.
"Gah, I hate these things!" Reyn says.
Xord squeals, "I fell for it again!" Beat. "Heh, fell."
Alvis cracks a grin as he looks up at the glowing eye-thing. "You always were so very eloquent in your words, Caesar Antiqua."
"JUST DON'T LET THEM KILL ME AGAIN AT THE FEET OF MY ENEMY, AND DON'T LET THEM FORM A TRIUMVIRATE AGAIN! YOU KNOW HOW WELL THAT WORKED."
"I will certainly try. But, you know, you were always such an influence in Entia studies."
"AH, CRAP."
The pair stops speaking as Tyrea slinks away. "Darn it, and I was gonna sneak-attack Melia too if she didn't have that Homs-not Homs-kinda-sorta-a-Mechon brat with her."
"You still could have," Alvis replies.
"Yes, but I was too frozen in my spot after they started making out."
"MELIAAAA!" Alvis disappears in a puff of green smoke. His screams echo across the chamber. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!"
"So…where to next?" Reyn asks, brushing cobwebs and what could pass as a finger bone from his massive shoulder. "What a mess that place was."
Shulk laughs, "Prison Island sounds like a neat tourist attraction. Let's just hope it's not closed for business. It looks like it hasn't been taken care of in years!"
"So, Project ONION has begun…" a mysterious, quirky voice muses to the smog-filled air of Mechonis Field. What he was doing down in Mechonis Field was quite silly, really—a repair of a stubborn generator. During these times, however, he likes to talk to himself. His way of having someone to tell his plans to since they've all gone and left for lower goals. "I only wonder when they'll all bow down to the crushing force of the Mechonis! Ahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Aha—" Egil breaks down coughing. "Ha—" He waves a hand in the air. "I should really clean this place up."
Cormag Ravenstaff: I wish I could just forget Xenoblade 2.
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (guest): Unfortunately, I can't give an exact schedule, I'm very sorry. I have found, however, that schedules for parodies tend to become oppressive; in the need to get the next installment out, the humor becomes forced and unnatural. I tend to write this when inspiration hits and I'm really feeling it! so it can be the best it can be. Thankfully, this is fairly often.
ragnarok (guest): They are pretty brutal, aren't they?
ang4133: Thank you for reading it! It means a lot to me that you say that, thank you! :)